Speechless (2016) s02e13 Episode Script

D-I-- DIMEO A-C-- ACADEMY

1 And we know how excited you are to go to college, and we're excited for you, but the school's position is that you cannot graduate this year.
There were some absences related to medical procedures and therapies.
Some grades could be higher, but, you know, you just started at a mainstream school last year.
You know, that's their position, and they're adamant.
"What are you going to do about it, Mommy?" ["KILL BILL" THEME PLAYS] I thought you'd never bloody ask.
Should I put on the theme music to "Kill Bill"? Or is it already playing in your head? Yeah! [MUSIC CONTINUES] Unacceptable, Dr.
Miller.
Unacceptable, Dr.
Miller! Bloody unacceptable, Dr.
Miller! I understand, but I understand, but I understand, but Hey! [CHUCKLES] That's too funny, isn't it? We're getting ready for the same fight.
I'll see you there.
[TIRES SQUEAL] Where are you going? Why are you running away from me? - Coward! - It's true I am a coward.
The coward who cares That's my brand, and my track record of standing up to you is not good.
But this is too important, so I've brought reinforcements.
These are JJ's teachers.
They will attest that JJ has not completed the work necessary to graduate.
If you wanted to challenge that, you would have to go through all of us.
[MUSIC CONTINUES] Let's do it.
JJ needs to make up nine gym classes.
He'll do three gym classes, no dodgeball.
Four gym classes.
Give me dodgeball.
[MUSIC CONTINUES] What will it take for JJ to pass English? He needs to read two Shakespeare plays.
- Not gonna happen.
- One Shakespeare play.
- Sorry.
- My screenplay? Is it good? It's long.
Cut 10 pages, and we'll talk.
[MUSIC CONTINUES] JJ will not pass French.
JJ will pass French, 'cause you don't actually care and you hate your job.
Au revoir.
You're a math teacher.
Here's some math for you.
Three two I'll pass him! [MUSIC STOPS] [INHALES SHAKILY] Maya, it might be possible to squeeze a passing grade out of each of these teachers, but to graduate JJ before he's ready wouldn't be the right thing for him.
So I won't allow it.
I suppose that's that, then.
Yes.
Now please leave so I can collapse in peace.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, you guys are back from the JJ meeting? How'd it go? Oh, your mom likes to do those things alone.
There's a very clear division of labor in this family.
- So what do you do? - What do you do?! Sorry.
Lot going on.
Tough day.
She's back.
And she won.
Time for my traditional Mom victory marshmallow.
- I didn't win.
- You lost? What do we do? We don't have a tradition for that.
Marshmallows aren't a tradition either, Ray.
Nobody knows why you do it.
I couldn't change their minds.
Those fools are insisting he do another year.
Are we sure they're wrong? I mean, I know how you get whenever anyone says the words I-I'm gonna say it from back here.
"JJ can't," but should we consider that maybe this isn't one to fight? Maya? Say "JJ can't" again.
Aw, darling.
I'm sorry.
I I tried.
They just don't think you're ready to graduate.
JIMMY: "Then, I'm done there.
I can't face them.
I'm not going back.
" I'm so sorry.
[DOOR OPENS] Okay, buddy.
[SNAPS FINGERS] Let's get you to school.
Don't want to late.
It is this time.
Blam! I know It's an extravagance, but, as the guy at the watch store said, "Are you sure you can afford this?" [LAUGHS] Huh? Lafayette's not gonna let him graduate this year.
He's decided not to go back.
You may or may not have a job.
Oh, no, buddy.
Uh You guys want to buy this kid a watch? TEACHER: On to our next demonstration Gas visualization through thermal imaging.
Now, everyone, watch closely.
When Ray pops the balloon, the heated gas inside will disperse.
- Three, two - [FARTS] [LIGHT LAUGHTER] That's odd.
We didn't pop the balloon, but there still seems to be a hot gas in the air near Ray's pants.
Great demonstration.
I'll go sit down now.
Curious.
Any hypotheses on the strange gas around Ray? [CHUCKLES] Ray farted.
[LAUGHTER] Yes! That would do it.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Hey.
How's JJ holding up? He's been better, but Pepper's right.
It's really no problem that a big pile of belts won't fit.
I met with Dr.
Miller to ask if I would still get paid to assist JJ while he's not at school.
Got to hear her real laugh for the first time.
That was fun.
I'm gonna have to sell some stuff just to pay this dumb thing off.
Ugh! Goodbye, rare baseball card collection.
Hello, ex-wife who has them at her house.
The ex-wife who burned all your stuff? No.
The mean one.
[INHALES SHARPLY] She did not want to get a divorce.
[CHUCKLES] She's gonna be all over me.
Wish I could avoid the whole thing.
Just don't have much of a cushion.
Yeah, really makes you wonder where the phrase "as rich as a public school aide" comes from.
All right, ladies, votes for team captain have been tallied.
Oh, yeah.
Now, I don't want to get into one of those situations where I say "And your new team captain is" and then the wrong person stands up 'cause they were sure they were gonna win.
So even if you think you're about to be named captain, don't stand up, 'cause you didn't win.
Capisce? Your new team captain is Thank you! Alicia Hernandez.
Damn it, Dylan! What?! I'm faster than Alicia.
I'm faster than all of you.
Why didn't you dumb losers vote for me? Your answer's in your question.
No riddles, Barry.
I think people felt Alicia displays better sportsmanship than you.
[DYLAN GROANS LOUDLY] Of all the times to come in second! [LOCKER SLAMS] You didn't come in second.
Get in, get the baseball cards, get out.
Kenneth, do not be beautiful.
You just don't listen, you sexy devil.
Robin.
Hello.
Kenneth.
It is so good to see you.
You can smile? [LAUGHS] I know we didn't end on the best terms.
I'm in a better place now.
Your stuff's inside.
Wha This is you? Wow.
You're in a much better place.
Well, come on.
Let's catch up.
I'll open the good wine.
Well, I do like the good wine.
JJ.
Good news.
I found a school that is up to the task of helping you graduate this year.
"What's the school?" Would you like to meet the headmistress? She's just back there.
Word of warning She got a bit of a funny voice.
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] Hello, JJ.
My name is Miss Rona McDuff, and I am so excited to be working with you.
[NORMAL VOICE] Now, was that an excuse to show you that I'm gorgeous as a blonde? No.
It was, though, a dramatic way of revealing that I am the eadmistress of DiMeo Academy.
And class is now in session.
Also, [CLEARS THROAT], I'm gorgeous as a redhead.
I did my research.
If we follow a registered online curriculum, you can get enough credits to graduate this year.
Boom! Victory marshmallow is a thing now.
No? All right.
"They said I couldn't do it.
" Yeah.
So now we fight.
Did you just meet me? "You can't be my teacher.
You don't know" C-H-E "chemistry or French.
" Well, that's where you're wrong.
See, Mrs.
DiMeo doesn't need to know everything.
She just needs to know one chapter more than you.
And as of last night, she does.
Alors.
Si tu as fini de déconner, il faut que nous nous mettons au travail.
Allons-freakin'-sy.
Fart Guy! Look at them, mocking me.
They all know I wasn't named captain.
Is there any greater shame? None that I can think of.
Hey, look who it is! What up, Fart Guy? - [LAUGHTER] - I'm not Fart Guy! I'm just a girl who wasn't named captain! Why do they keep calling me that? It's not you.
In class yesterday, I I-I dealt it.
Ugh! Stupid track team! I'm so mad, I can't even enjoy that.
- [STUDENTS MAKING FART NOISES] - [LAUGHTER] Well, this is the place All mine now after a pretty brutal divorce.
This is my third one.
Getting pretty good at it.
So, what have you been up to? Uh, not much.
Say, is that one of those, uh, wine-on-tap things? Yeah.
Help yourself.
[LAUGHS] It's like one of those soft-serve machines that get you drunk! Hi! Oh.
You give your dog bottled water? [CHUCKLING] Man, that divorce worked out well.
What can I say? I'm attracted to successful men.
You always have been.
[LAUGHING] You're funny, Kenneth.
Oh.
You don't think I'm successful? [CHUCKLES] I saw your car, you were wearing the same shirt the day we met, and you're here for your baseball cards, which reminds me So great seeing you, Kenneth.
Right, in order for you to graduate this year, we've got a lot of ground to cover and not a lot of time.
So, in the interest of efficiency, we're gonna do a little bit of physics-French-geometry now.
"What's with the" B-A-L "balls?" Oh, excellent question.
We'll also be doing gym.
So, if energy goes as velocity squared, in the game of football, if I kick you two times faster, the pain you experience will be "Four times more.
" Yes! Exactly! I'm looking for DiMeo Academy.
Ah! Guest history lecturer World War II.
We'll throw some history on, too.
Start talking, sir.
Uh The year was 1941.
Kick and talk.
Kick and talk.
I was sitting in the front room Kick and talk.
and I was listening to the radio.
[SIGHS] Aren't you kids gonna ask JJ how school was today? JJ didn't go to school.
Yes, he did.
Today was his first day at DiMeo Academy.
Wait.
You started a school? "It's"G-R "great.
" Good enough for me.
I'm in.
Are you? Why? Kids my age are extremely immature about a perfectly normal bodily function.
Look, I work hard, and I listen to what the teachers say.
Do you want me or not? You know what? Another student could spice up the soccer team.
Does this school have a track team? Follow-up question Could that track team compete with the Lafayette losers at the meet this week? - I mean, I suppose - I'm in.
Don't put it in the oven! Put it in a drawer.
Look at that! A school so successful, it triples in attendance in a day.
Hey.
How was your day? Not bad.
I decided to homeschool JJ, then Ray and Dylan expressed an interest Which I didn't fully explore So I'm gonna pull them out of school and educate them all myself! Great.
How did their dad take that? Oh, right.
Yeah, I didn't ask him.
Tell you what we need another teacher.
Okay.
Well, I'll call in sick to work.
At least, call in "very concerned" to work.
Hey, DiMeos, I'm successful, right? Compared to what? Turns out my ex is a gold digger, and she doesn't want to dig me.
Well, obviously, it's a good thing this woman is no longer in your life.
Uh-huh.
Do you guys have anything I can borrow to show her I'm fancy? What's the most expensive thing you have? JJ's wheelchair? What's the next most expensive thing? This plate.
All right, time for class, I guess.
We have two new students today at DiMeo Academy.
Dylan and Ray, welcome.
Hey, I think I recognize you from my old school.
You're that kid who farted.
I'm your teacher Mr.
DiMeo.
Where's Mom and JJ? Oh, they are on what your mother called "an exploration of the tapestry of life," which the zoo, maybe? Here are some math books.
Wait.
We're doing schoolwork? DiMeo Academy is for real? I thought this was just one of Mom's crazy ideas that would blow over once she stopped being mad at the school.
[SIGHING] Oh, good.
That's what I thought, too.
Can I just watch you guys play video games or whatever? It's what I'd be doing anyways.
I am a success.
I own this car.
I own many cars.
This isn't even my favorite car.
I hate this car.
Nice car! [CHUCKLING] I hate it.
[GRUNTING] Just a little low.
[GASPS] You never get used to that.
This is yours? Why were you driving that junker yesterday? Oh, that old thing? I drive that sometimes just to keep me humble.
It doesn't work.
[BOTH LAUGH] So, what is it you're doing? Oh, you know Real estate, music.
Pretty much exactly what I told you I was gonna do back in the day.
I guess I had it wrong yesterday.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, right? [BOTH LAUGH] But, uh, a bit of a tip Robin, don't be so obsessed with success and money.
[CHUCKLING] It It's not a good look.
[DOG PANTING] What This thing jumped in my car to pee?! No, dog! No! Relax, Kenneth.
Stop, man! It's your fault! Why do you got to give it such delicious water? Good afternoon, students.
Another stellar field trip.
JJ, would you like a break? Too bad.
Pop quiz.
Ah physics, starting in three minutes ago?! What?! [LAUGHS] Go on.
Ah, hello, Mr.
DiMeo.
Is that an experiment? Yes.
I am testing the effects of ice cream sodas on smiles.
Oh, yes, there appears to be a correlation.
This isn't the kind of thing you've been doing all day? What did you study? - History.
- Science.
- Plus.
[SIGHS] More of a"answer one at a time" situation.
A word in my office, Mr.
DiMeo? Your lie was "Plus"? I don't think you're taking this seriously.
How serious am I supposed to take it? I'm standing in a principal's office that is covered in underwear.
This is just temporary.
Next month, I was thinking we could renovate the garage and maybe get a woodworking course out of it.
We're still gonna be doing this next month? We're doing this till JJ graduates.
I thought you were just blowing off steam.
No.
We're done.
Are you not on board with the DiMeo Academy? Your name's in the title.
I threw you a bone.
I was this close to calling it "Maya Academy.
" This isn't a school! It's a tantrum! Someone told you "No," so you went to war, like always.
You don't ask if the war is worth fighting, and you certainly don't ask what I think.
JJ had a problem.
I fixed it.
- That's what I do, Jimmy.
- [SCOFFS] And all this underwear It's yours! I always have your back, but this is a bad idea, Maya.
You can't teach him stuff that you just learned yesterday.
Ecoutez-moi bien, mon petit mec.
Tais-toi, sinon je vais tu faire désolé Désolé vraiment! I will give you that your French has gotten very good.
I blot and blot, and it just keeps coming.
I need more towels.
You've already used eight.
Then I guess I need nine, Robin.
This old thing's due for a detailing anyway.
This old thing is a rental! What? It's not my car.
These aren't my clothes.
The watch is mine, but it's stupid.
"V-I-I.
" Just say "seven"! I just wanted you to think I was a success.
I knew it! The second you saw my fish tank, I thought, "He's looking at them like a poor guy.
" You're onto me.
I've got nothing.
I'm no big shot.
I'm just an aide to a kid.
Like you help someone? Yeah.
Why? Does that impress you? Not at all.
It's just a little out of character.
I mean, our whole thing was about having fun, not caring about other people.
Remember that one time that guy had that heart attack at the nightclub and we just kept dancing? I Electric-Slid right past him.
That was our thing.
Well, I guess I've changed.
I don't have nothing.
I think I'm fulfilled.
Congratulations? Robin, it's been a pleasure, but I got to tell a car-rental company that it smelled like this when I got it.
If you ever become a fulfillment digger, you know who to call.
Hmm.
Eugggh.
Oh, right.
Your car's here.
I've signed you up to hear a guest lecture at the university 'cause I'm a humble-enough teacher to know I don't know everything about the Second Balkan War.
And you're going to see for yourself just how ready for college you are.
Go forth into the world.
Let nothing stand in your way.
Oh, door.
Yeah.
Sorry.
There we are.
Fit right in with those diploma kids, smarty-pants.
How did you sleep? We might need a new sofa in the faculty lounge.
JJ did well on his test.
I mean, very well.
Good.
You must be happy.
I know.
You'd think.
I should be.
I don't like it when we disagree.
It's new, and I hate it.
Not new.
I just don't tell you all the time.
What don't you tell me? [SIGHS] I don't like Indian food.
What, not even the samosas? Oh, wait.
No, I do love the samosas.
You're right again.
I know.
I'm right a lot.
But I don't want you to feel steamrolled by my decisions.
How about we give DiMeo Academy a chance, and in a month, if it's not working, we'll revisit? Three months, and we turn the garage into a faculty lounge.
Two months, and I agree to call you "Principal DiMeo.
" Oh.
Look at me Compromising.
Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Hey, man.
You trying to get somewhere or? "Yes.
I'm trying to get here.
" Whoa.
Okay.
So, it's settled.
DiMeo Academy will continue for JJ, and Dylan and Ray will return to Lafayette after Dylan beats them in the track meet.
Yeah.
And we'll explore changing the nickname.
[WHEELCHAIR BEEPING, WHIRRING] Oh, hey! You made it! Did you learn anything today? "I learned I want to quit DiMeo Academy.
" What? I mean, it's working.
We're proving that we can do it.
"No, you're proving you can and will do anything for me.
We already knew that.
But that's not life.
I checked out college today.
It's a bunch of people taking care of themselves.
I need practice doing that before I go.
" Okay, well I mean, whatever you want.
But if you go back here, you're gonna have to repeat a whole extra year.
You know that, right? And all your friends will have graduated.
You're sure about this, JJ? It's It's all you.
See that? Independent thinking.
He got that from DiMeo Academy.
You picked up a lot there in a week.
"I've been going to DiMeo Academy all my life.
" Mm.
We did good with that one.
This is the fight of your life! Others may have suffered.
ANNOUNCER: Running for DiMeo Academy Dylan "Salt" DiMeo.
Why is your nickname "Salt"? Because salt kills slugs.
Normal slugs, but we're sea slugs.
We live in salt water.
I saw your wife's car outside of the Red Roof Inn last Friday night.
You have a good race, now.
[SNIFFS] All right, let's get up.
Get ready, ladies.
Come on, now.
Runners, take your marks.
On your mark, get set [GUNSHOT] [APPLAUSE, INDISTINCT SHOUTING] Yeah! How's my butt taste? Where you at, Captain? Yeah, Dylan! Ohh! Ohh! [ALL GASPING] Stupid leg! After all the cool things I let you kick! Come on.
I'll help you.
No! Please get away! We're not finishing this race without you.
Once a sea slug, always a sea slug.
I-I don't want your stupid sportsmanship! No! Please don't record this! I don't want to go viral! Internet, my name is Renee Jenkins! This is Ireland! - [SIGHS] - [CROWD CHANTING "DYLAN!"] Thanks, girls.
You're better people than I am.
Please push me across the le first.
I thought what your teammates did for you was really beautiful.
I'm gonna share it with all my social-media followers.
Mom already saw it, Ray.
Aw! Did I miss the meet? I wanted to see you stick it to the old school.
It is the new school.
DiMeo Academy is no more.
Yeah, it's probably just as well, 'cause I've really missed yelling at principals.
I'm coming for you, Miller!! Mm.
That's the stuff, innit? Okay.
Well, JJ, looks like we're back in the saddle.
Maybe your new school would like to see you ride off in style.
"Since when are you rich?" Since I met you, buddy.
[CHUCKLES] So, where would you like to go? Back to the rental place it is.