Speechless (2016) s03e08 Episode Script


1 [PEPPER BARKING] DYLAN: Hey, come on.
Yeah, come on.
Gonna have to circle back to that.
[PEPPER BARKING] Come here, Pepper.
Come eat your, uh [FIRE CRACKLING] Fire! Wake up! Fire! Really? Nothing? "When Clowns Fall Down" is on TV! Oh, "Clowns" is on! Oh! There's a fire! Ray, DVR the clowns, and let's get out of here! Dylan, out! Dad, take this! - Ray? - Wow, what's gotten into him? I suppose you don't really know how you're gonna react to an emergency until you're in one.
You know what I mean? I wonder how I'd react in an emergency.
- This is one! Get out! - Yes, sir! Oh, I'm a follower.
- [CHUCKLES] - Now! Well, we found our culprit These cheap, old lights.
They're brand-new.
To us.
I don't know when the raccoon I fought for them purchased them.
Please don't judge us.
Money's been really tight.
We've had to buy our house, pay for hospital bills, so you know what? We could really do without the light-shaming.
That's much longer than it usually takes her to go on the offensive.
That's respect.
Well, I'm sorry you lost all your presents.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - Don't worry.
No, those are fake presents until we could afford real ones.
They were just boxes full of newspaper and sawdust.
Or, in your parlance, fuel.
[CHUCKLES] You don't talk to our insurance, do you? DiMeooooos! Oh, thank God.
Were you out clubbing? And does that look really work for you? Hey, last week, I convinced three sturdy Not the time.
Mom, Dad, our presents.
No child should have to bury her presents.
Aww, don't worry, Dylan.
I can You can what?! What can you do, Kenneth? Please, tell me.
You can bring back my presents? Is that what you do?! Look, I'm sorry.
It's been a very hectic night.
I was gonna say I can bring you my presents.
I don't want to overhype, but I gave a pretty penny to the estate of Steve Jobs Whoa! Okay, okay, all right.
Well, I don't want to be a one-upper, but our presents were one better.
VR headsets for Ray and movie-editing software for JJ, and a My Little Pony for Jimmy.
And a dirt bike for Dylan! Wow, Mom.
They're gone, but you sure take care of us.
I know I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.
Say, Maya, d-did you happen to get me that book I wanted called "This is Questionable Behavior"? I didn't, but I did get one called "A Victimless Crime.
" Is it by the same guy who wrote "But To What End"? No, it's by the woman who wrote "What They Don't Know, Won't Hurt Them.
" Wow, I read a lot of books, but I've never heard of any of these.
Yeah, I know 'em.
Excuse me, I was told you're the hero who saved the family.
Oh, uh Wow, I-I guess I am a hero.
Uh, I mean, I've been heroic a few other times, but only in dreams.
One time, I stopped a group of guys from robbing a bank full of girls I like.
" I know.
Eh, still gotta do my walk-behind.
I just got up 'cause I heard the dog bark.
But I suppose if a boy wakes up his family and gets everybody out safely, he's a hero.
Baba-booey! Go, Sox! I'm sorry about her.
[LAUGHS] What is this? A-A surprise for me? "Merry Christmas to my Big Buddy.
" Isn't this exciting? JJ told me you want to coach, and we have an opening.
Coach Cox took a leave of absence for some troubling reasons - [SIGHS] - Oh.
Writing a novel.
Oh, okay.
[CHUCKLES] I can't believe I'm gonna coach! [LAUGHS] Your girls' basketball team.
Hard pass! Oh, you heard him, girls! Harder passes! Ow! No, I'm passing.
I can't coach girls' basketball.
What's wrong? You're not sexist? Yup.
I'm a sexist.
I'm a big, ol' sexist.
And there will be no more talk of this.
The man has s-spoken.
Okay, fine, I'm no sexist.
I just have a very complicated relationship with girls' basketball.
Okay, dude.
Watch what happens when I Google "Kenneth Clements basketball.
" Yeah, did you mean "Kendall Clements"? That's my sister.
I was good at basketball, but she was great.
And she and my other sister, Kiki, just loved rubbing my nose in it.
If I scored 20, Kendall would score 40.
If I scored 50 Okay, I never scored 50.
What's that look? Are you a long-lost third witch sister I don't know about?! I wanna coach, but girls' basketball, that's Kendall's world.
I just can't go there.
Okay, I think our story's coming up.
This is going to be huge for me.
Thanks, Grant.
Sounds like those elephants had a Hanukkah they'll never forget.
And now, a story about a family that narrowly avoided having a nightmare before Christmas.
Picture a hero.
In your mind, he's probably not a little guy, is he? And he probably doesn't have wild, unkempt hair or drink out of the toilet.
What? One time! Dylan put ghost pepper in my toothpaste.
But last night, the DiMeo family spelled "hero" "D-O-G.
" Dog hero? What a fun angle.
Is the news always this good? But that's not what happened.
Don't believe me? Listen to what this boy had to say about little Pepper.
He's a hero.
- [LAUGHS] - Dolph?! DYLAN: Ray's not a hero Also he is "Dolph" now No, I am a hero! I saved you guys! Ray, it doesn't matter.
Seriously, look, who cares what they say about Shut up, I'm on TV! It stinks because our parents worked so hard to get us all these great presents even though money's been tight.
VR headsets, dirt bikes, my brother's "Harry Potter" fan fiction in hardback, one of those robot vacuums.
Hey, my lie is famous.
[GRUNTS] Hey, Dolph, you missed a spot.
Okay, Dylan.
You can mock me all you want, but I've decided not to let Pepper getting all the credit bug me.
I'm not gonna get jealous of a dog.
I have to rise above it.
It's either that or I let it drive me insane.
Ooh, that sounds more fun.
Let's do that.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Yay! Pizza's here! Mrs.
DiMeo? Hi, I'm Candy Kensington.
I'm from the Newport Beach chapter of the charity Santa's Purpose.
We're doing our Jinglethon fundraiser at Lafayette this week.
Why not "Santa's Cause"? Oh, wow, yeah, um That's much snappier.
Anyhoo, um, may I? So, part of our mission is, uh, bringing the joy of Christmas to less fortunate families.
Oh, no, no, we're not in need of charity.
- We thought you were food! - I'm starving! Oh, shush! Well, we heard your family's story, and we were just heartbroken.
So we've decided to replace all of your gifts! - RAY: What? - DYLAN: No way! Okay, bring them in! Whoa! - [GASPS] Is that a dirt bike? - Right over there.
Oh, my gosh, VR goggles! This is the best Christmas ever! Mom! Can I ride this in the house? MAYA: Uhh Ooh! Oh, my God, Jimmy.
What have I done? You defrauded a charity at Christmas.
Well anything can sound bad if you say it.
- Whooo! - Whoa! Okay, yeah! Bad bird! - Oh, look out for that panther! - Ah! Ohh, Jimmy, I feel so awful.
Why did I lie? We've got to give these gifts back.
Oh, do we? Think of the kids.
Darling, no matter what, the kids cannot find out what happened.
RAY: You lied to us? We're losing our presents? You know you should really try these while we still have them.
JJ, I'm all for surprises, but if I'm blindfolded, it's hard for us to talk.
It's no problem, man.
I can talk for him.
[LAUGHS] Anything to get those five stars.
What do you want me to read, baby? - [CARS HONKING] - No, man! - [TIRES SQUEALING] - Watch the road! Can we just sit in silence? Whatever you say, boss, all right? Anything to get those five stars, baby.
We are here.
It's The Cheesecake Factory, isn't it? Oh, you know how I love cheesecake.
BOTH: Hi, Kenneth! Wha This Cheesecake Factory sounds a lot like my terrible sisters! Yo, DiMeo.
Is it true? Did your dog carry JJ to safety with his teeth? No, of course You know what? Yes.
Yes, he did.
Pepper is a great dog.
My family is safe.
That's what's important.
Hey, Blake, what would you do if I told you the real hero is actually here [SMACKS BACKPACK] right now? Come here, Pepper! Oh, my gosh! [INDISTINCT TALKING] It is so nice to meet you, JJ.
And, Kenneth, you looking good.
What did you do, fall in the Fountain of Youth? Oh, you're so sweet, Kiki.
Anybody want cookies? Fresh from the oven.
Sounds great! [CHUCKLES] [HUSHED] I hope you get stuck in the oven.
What are we doing here? "Make your peace with them so you can coach like you want.
They seem lovely.
" Oh, lovely, huh? Watch.
Ladies, I have some exciting news.
I was offered the, uh, job of girls' basketball coach.
[LOUD LAUGHTER] KIKI: Basketball? You don't even know anything about basketball! I played at a high level in high school and college! All right, Broken Stereo.
"Why do they call you 'Broken St '" Dude, don't set them up like that, man! Because he can't play.
[LAUGHS] Because he sucks at basketball! [LAUGHS] Kendall, I-I said "broken" because when the radio don't play, he can't Y-You don't get it? You know what? Never mind.
He sucks! - High five, up top! - Yeah! - [LAUGHS] - You see, JJ? [INDISTINCT TALKING] Da, da, da-da, da, da Da, da, da-da, da Da, da, da-da, da-da, da, da [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Hello, darlings.
Did you have a wonderful day? Great, sad it's done.
Well, do I have good news for you.
We're volunteering at the Jinglethon.
What? Why? Do you want to give the presents back? You keep the presents' name out of your filthy mouth! Well, we can't pay for them, so we're donating our time.
After all, time is money, except we have it.
Kenneth the coach.
What you gonna teach them how to do, Kenneth? Lose? Yeah, like, how to get beat? [LAUGHS] Kendall, it's the same thing! They're synonyms! I didn't even want to come here.
Is there nothing else we can talk about? Actually, um Yeah, there is something I need to tell you.
I went to the doctor last week Yeah? He saw something on my X-ray, and it was bad.
It was really bad.
What was it? Your jumpshot, sucka! Shake your body like a bottle of champagne I'm-live for a long time, you Good Halloween House.
"Why do you call him 'Good'" What did I say about teeing them up? 'Cause he got big ol' butterfingers! You don't even play, Kiki! Kendall's the good one! Stop dancing! And I'm not bad at basketball.
Rejected! In your face! That's it! We're settling this on the court.
If I win, you two shut up forever.
If you score once, we'll shut up.
Deal, British Airways.
"Why do they call" Dude, stop! Right, we are here for one reason only To work off the presents we took.
Right? We will not take anything.
I brought that.
- Hey! Welcome, DiMeos.
- Hello, Candy.
We could use plenty of help here in the donation center, but I do have a solo task for one of you.
Although I wish it could be you.
Isn't that right, you little life saver? I'll do it.
[GASPS] Perfect.
Ooh, I'm gonna get you a bell.
[BELL JINGLES] Ba-bum, bum, bum I just got a $500 donation! Score one good deed for the DiMeos! $500? That means we've reached this hour's goal.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
Maya wins the hourly incentive.
Two box seats to the Ducks game, valued at $600.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] You've gotta be kidding me You're right.
Bring the whole family Five box seats! Yay! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Good job.
Bring up the heat - Yeah! - I got no trust but to go hard How's my butt taste? I don't know, Kiki! It's her butt I'm tasting, okay? I got no trust but to go hard [RIM CLANGS] [LAUGHS] Did anyone taste my butt? - How do you like your new Santa? - He's great! You and I don't have any beef.
Just Dylan.
Yeah, it was Dylan messing with me, and I'm not crazy.
I don't have a feud with a dog.
Good talk.
Hey, no! Those could have chocolate.
- [SNIFFING] - Wah! [GROANS] Ray, did you eat that whole cake? That was for all the volunteers.
No, it was the dog.
Pepper? Did you set me up? Are you blaming the hero dog? It was him! And I saved the family, not Pepper! He was probably barking at a squirrel or something 'cause he's just a dumb dog! [GASPING] That Dolph kid hates the hero dog! [BOOING] Good news, I've raised thousands of dollars for these people.
You know, our debt is paid.
We can now go home, put on our goggles, and kill some giraffes! We're supposed to be setting them free.
DiMeo, before you go, just one more thing.
CANDY: Jinglethoners, television audience, we all know about the DiMeo family tragedy, yet they persevered, and they all showed up to volunteer today.
So, as a thank-you, we are going to give the DiMeos all of today's proceeds! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] No, no! Please, stop giving us things.
You don't get it! We're liars! The presents that burned under our tree were collectively worth $7.
- [ALL GASP] - Don't judge her.
The stuff showed up, and, yeah, we kept it! Would you have done anything different? Well, somebody call Heaven.
We just found a bunch of new Christmas angels.
- Yeah.
- [BOOING] Oh, yeah, go on, then.
We don't care.
Go on.
Boo all you want.
[BOOING LOUDER] That's actually quite hurtful.
Out, out, out.
Out through the grotto.
Wait, where's the dog? Oh, I left him with this old couple.
They said they'd drop him home later.
Oh, he's back there somewhere.
I'm sorry, I can't stop lying! [GASPS] Weirdos! You've seen a choir before.
Let's go! JJ, what are you doing here? "Kenneth needs elec-tro-lytes.
" Well, I've got no questions.
Quick, come on, come on, come on.
Look, we're hiding from a mob of Santa-loving DiMeo haters, and I'm sorry I got us into this stupid mess.
I just saw the chance to give you everything you've always wanted, and then I couldn't say no.
- Silent night - "That's ridiculous, Mom.
Sure, we're hiding like hunted criminals, - Holy night - but we have each other.
That's what matters.
" - All is calm - RAY: JJ's right.
This Christmas more than ever.
Our house could've burned down.
- All is bright - We could've died! And Ray saved us.
I know, but you guys are being sweet, and songs about America always get me.
- Round yon Virgin - It's "Silent Night.
" - Mother and Child - It wouldn't kill us expose her to church.
- No.
- That's why I'm torturing you.
I couldn't handle that it was you, but you did save us.
You're a hero, Ray.
I honestly don't care what anyone thinks now.
Sleep in heavenly peace All right, Kenneth needs his electrolytes.
The coast is clear.
- [PEPPER BARKS] - Pepper, you found them.
[GROWLS] [BUZZER] "Get up.
" Why? Kendall's just gonna knock me back on my butt.
"Think of all the times I tried something and I failed first and wanted to quit, but you made me keep going.
" Yeah, well, I'm not like you.
I hate failure.
"You worry about me next year.
I worry about you.
I want you to have something when I'm gone.
" And you think coaching is it? Me, too.
I can do this.
It's only 50 to zero.
BOTH: 51.
In no universe was that a 3, Kendall! Ms.
Kensington, we're very sorry.
Well, you should be.
But, thanks to your family, donations are pouring in like never before.
Look at that.
$100 from Christmas Carly "Hope this helps after you got scammed by those monsters.
" Oh, that's us.
$200 from DanTheMan45 "Save X-Mas! Can't let the DiMeos win!" Aww.
"Get well soon, Beth"? Oh, I think that might've been a medical GoFundMe.
- Oh.
- Anyhoo, you know, I always wanted people to give out of love, but it turns out, disgust works even better.
So, in a weird way, we did a good thing.
Even though everyone thinks that we're awful.
Who cares what everyone thinks? I know I don't anymore.
Hold on.
What if we could do even more good by seeming even more bad? All right, here we go.
Boom, baby! Watch out, watch out, watch out Oh, Canada.
Watch out, watch out, watch out - Watch, wa-watch, watch out - I don't know! I'm out of material.
You've usually given up by now.
[DOOR OPENS] Girls, what are you doing here? It's 4:00.
Time for practice.
Oh, it's 4:00? I've been losing for two hours? [LAUGHS] You've been playing for two hours without scoring a point? That's amazing! How do you not quit? Yeah, I mean, I can relate to the failure, but not the persistence.
Well, girls, failure is part of the process.
But this is worth it, so I'm not gonna give up.
I knew we should've played to 20, Kendall.
"We"? Y-you don't do anything, Kiki! Oh, so we just gonna act like I don't work part-time at a law firm? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] What? That's right! Yes! Whose house? Good Halloween House's house! Girls, consider that your first practice.
Pick this up again tomorrow? - Yes.
- Thank you, coach.
Nice job, Kenneth.
Feels good to get one.
Wait, I got one, right? You didn't give me one because of the speech, right? Merry Christmas, Kenny.
Kendall, I need closure! Honey, what you need is a scented candle, 'cause what you did is stink up the place.
- Take it easy.
- That's our coach.
[CHUCKLES] I like coaching.
Hello, Jinglethon.
We just wanted to rub it in your face that we took Santa's Purpose for all they're worth.
Yeah, and they are never gonna see that money again because Christmas is a sham! And if you people here and watching at home really cared about helping others, that money thermometer would be full.
[BOOING, TELEPHONES RINGING] And, yeah, we have a hero dog.
Here, Pepper, you want a treat? Too bad! [CROWD BOOING] Hey, the sleigh bells are clang-ing Jing-ly jang-ling, filling the evening air And carolers belt out "Drummer Boy" with flair When you heard that they were volunteering, is this what you pictured? - Holiday treats sublime - Yeah, me too.
The whirring and stirring sounds like Christmastime