Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Nevertheless... She Went Clubbing
1 - Do I need that much protein? - I think you do.
But it also has creatine.
And? You want gainz? Well, yeah, I do, but I also want liver function.
Well, don't call me crying from your plateau.
Stop pretending that you know about this stuff.
LENA: When we first got divorced, we weren't nearly this chummy, but time had passed.
Okay, hot oven! MARTIN: Things have become chill.
Mmm, cinnamon! Nice touch, Mom! We were both thankful, and so was the rest of the family.
Because even though we were no longer together It just made sense for us to do things together.
Football time for me, guys.
I will clean up later.
I promise.
I promise.
Which made every day feel like Christmas morning.
We need to get batteries for that.
Anybody want anything? I'll have a mimosa, if you're making them.
- [CAR HORN SOUNDS.]
- Kids, school! And by the time spring rolled around - We were total buds.
- [BELL DINGS.]
It was hard to believe, but we'd recovered from I am done! I am done with the scrutiny.
That fight changed us.
- You deserve someone who feels that way about you.
- I realized I wasn't ready to be dating.
And I realized I was.
When I'm feeling blue - All I have to do - Lisa? - Oh, hey! Martin, right? - Hey.
You're Milo's dad.
Amongst other things.
Such as? Lover of romaine.
- It is a great lettuce.
- Yes.
- Nothing seems to matter - [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- My whole world could shatter - Why are they playing this song? - I don't know.
- I feel - weirdly emotional.
- Oh.
Well, here.
- Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
So, how's Milo? Uh, oh, good.
He's he's good.
He, uh Going into second grade, so he made it.
I always felt bad I couldn't help more with his issue.
Oh, what with the peeing in the flower bed thing? No, he stopped that on his own months ago.
The kid's got a bright future.
No, I meant the whole "serial-killer" handwriting.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
That.
I kept telling your wife his penmanship was totally age-appropriate.
Yeah, well, I kept telling her we're all gonna be speaking Mandarin - soon, right? So, who cares? - Apparently she did.
She did.
So, you've been good? Me? Very! Very good.
Not that good.
No, Lena and I s-separated.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Actually, we we divorced, and we're living together still for now, but divorcedly so.
That's not a word.
I ramble when I when I get nervous.
I'm I'm divorced.
Okay.
Well, my number's still good.
Give me a call if you ever feel like getting brunch or something.
Oh, yeah! I always feel like getting brunch or something.
I But I never, ever do.
Maybe you should change that.
Ugh! Was that Lisa (BLEEP) Apple? God, we hated her.
Did we? Yeah.
Remember those big, fake glasses she used to wear? Ugh, and she was so "holier than thou.
" She was always giving us kid advice even though she doesn't have kids.
Well, she is a tutor.
What does that mean? She's not a very good tutor.
How much money did we pay her for Milo to still write like the Zodiac Killer? Hm, I didn't realize how strongly we felt about her.
Well, we did.
Thank God she's not in our lives anymore.
Yeah.
Thank God.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay Hey, Mom.
I signed you up for the bake sale at school, - and it has to be something good.
- So, dig deep.
- Oh, can I pitch you some ideas? - Go.
What about one of those rainbow-layer cakes? No, Eric's mom's already doing that.
It's all over her Pinterest.
You follow Eric's mom on Pinterest? She has great boards.
Oh! How about this I reinvent a classic.
I like where this is going Sea-salt dusted brondie.
- Brondie? Is-is that even a word? Di - Brondie.
did you just coin that? Oh, my gosh.
I think I just coined that.
And the Nobel Prize for brondies goes to [MAE GROANS.]
Lot of homework? Just an English paper on female role models called "Nevertheless.
" We have to complete the phrase by writing something remarkable our female role model has done.
Oh, well, if you need to interview me, I'm available.
I chose Maya.
Maya Angelou? Aunt Maya.
She's a trailblazer.
Uh, what has she ever blazed besides those weed cigarettes for her "anxiety.
" It's more about what she doesn't do, which is conform to the antiquated cis-gender norms of patriarchal society.
Okay, if this is an English paper, you should start by speaking English.
She decided to have a kid on her own.
We should celebrate that.
Celebrate her decision to have baby? She hasn't even done it yet.
I've been boots on the ground for 15 years! Yeah, but, Mom, it's 2018, and you still get giddy about bake sales and stocking the pantry with apple juice.
I'm sorry, but you're part of the problem.
I'm part of the problem? You don't wanna shatter the glass ceiling.
You want to clean it with Windex.
Okay.
First of all, I make my own window cleaner with a combination of white distilled vinegar and freshly squeezed lemon juice, and the fresh lemon juice is the most important part! Okay, listen, we're gonna finish this conversation later! [MARTIN CHUCKLES.]
Oh, man! Look at all these people having brunch.
Is brunch funny? It is to me.
I haven't had brunch in 15 years.
- You must be starving.
- I am.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- Uh-oh.
- Something wrong? You ordered pico on the side.
That is pico on the top.
Oh, no biggie.
Huh? "No biggie"? You don't wanna send it back? Or make me send it back so the waiter doesn't hate you for sending it back? 'Cause I-I will.
I-I can get her over here.
Nope.
All ends up in the same place.
It it does end up in the same place.
That's exactly right! Were you in a long-term marriage or an underground bunker? [LAUGHS.]
I am starting to wonder.
And I'm seeing the world through brand-new eyes.
- You are? Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
I'm noticing things that I've never noticed before.
Me? You're noticing me? I am noticing the hell out of you.
Is this okay? I'll tell you in a second.
Yep, it is.
Were you wearing those glasses when I saw you the other day at the market? I'm sure I was.
They're my glasses.
Yeah.
They're your glasses.
[CHUCKLING.]
Come on.
Wow! Look at all this stuff.
Dad really saved everything.
Including Mom.
She looks great, though.
Can I have her? Mm-hmm.
She always hated physical affection.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, Mom.
Yes, every awkward phase of your lives has been lovingly preserved.
You're welcome, girls.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are we even looking for here? [SIGHING.]
I don't know.
Something that proves that before I was a mom and just momming all the time, that I was a female role model.
- You were? - Oh, look! My old Girl Scout sash! I got every badge.
Uh, that's my Halloween costume from college.
- These are joke badges.
- Mmm.
- See? This one's for binge drinking.
- I earned a lot of those sophomore year.
Okay, fine.
So I'm not a role model.
Not a Michelle or a Malala or an Amal or a Hillary or a Oprah or even a Gayle.
If Mae did a report on me, it'd probably be titled "Nevertheless, she did dishes.
" Uh, I think you're being a little - hard on yourself.
- Mmm.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
She picked you.
Mae is doing her essay on you.
[CHUCKLING.]
Really? - Wow, I don't even like Mae.
- Ditto.
I'm just kidding.
She's wonderfully acerbic.
I mean, could they be less grateful? Come on.
All kids are rotten.
You know that.
Especially girls.
Besides, Mae is wrong about you.
As I recall, you had a great deal of gumption.
- Gumption, yeah! - Sure.
- You were early to join the workforce.
- Uh-huh.
You in high school.
Didn't you work in that mailbox store? It was a FedEx Kinkos.
And I'm the only employee who survived the merger.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- There you go! Well, my daughter doesn't look up to me.
In fact, she looks down on me.
Why? Because I take care of her.
So, tonight, I'm gonna teach her a lesson.
- Big date alert! - My buddy's getting laid tonight.
First time in two years.
- Hot damn.
- Hey.
Can you not tell people that? Come on, man.
Don't worry.
It's a cone of silence in here.
So, what did Lena say about you going out with Lisa Apple? [CHUCKLING.]
I didn't tell her.
Martin, you and Lena are in a good place right now.
- What are you - She didn't tell me who she was dating.
Lena has history with this woman.
She finds out that you're doing stuff behind her back, there will be blood.
Full disclosure is the key to all healthy relationships.
- Yeah.
- What do you think, A-town? - Let me run it by Camille.
Mmm.
- You got it.
And that is how it's done.
Hey, baby.
Cy's gonna send you a photo of my new haircut.
Approve please.
Hey, gang.
So, I'm out.
- What? - I'm out.
I feel like too much of my identity is wrapped in being a mom, so I'm gon' go get turnt.
[GIGGLES.]
That's hilarious.
Mae, how do I look? Like someone who wants to regarded as a sexual object rather than a three-dimensional person.
Oh, you are so second wave sometimes, Mae.
Hey.
What about my bake sale tomorrow? Brondies? The recipe and ingredients are on the kitchen counter.
You're 14 and almost 16.
I had a job when I was your age.
So, I heard.
She worked in a mailbox store.
Hey! It was a FedEx Kinkos.
And I survived the merger! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- DEREK: So, where we going tonight? Actually I just need you to drive around the block for like an hour so that my kids think I'm out on the town.
Hey what? You-you-you all dressed up to not go out on the town? [CHUCKLING.]
What's up with that? My daughter thinks I'm a bad role model.
Look, you need to stop worrying about Little Mama - and start worrying about Big Mama.
- Big Mama? Look, you looking all good.
You better go and hit that club.
And I ain't talking about no Sam's.
- Are you talking about - The club club.
The clurb.
- Huh.
The clurb.
- Yeah, I don't think Big Mama can do that.
Can Big Mama? It's getting kinda dark.
Why's it getting so dark? Because that's what happens when the sun goes down.
Why is nobody taking care of me? - [THUD.]
- Who's there? - [FLOORBOARD CREAKS.]
- What was that? Milo, stop rolling around for a second.
[GRUFFLY.]
Milo isn't here.
- [CREAKING THEN BANG.]
- Tell me you heard that.
Okay.
Since I am the oldest and least stupid, everyone follow me.
- Where we going? - Somewhere safe.
Everybody in.
This will be our panic room till Mom gets home.
Good call.
If we get hungry, we can eat Mom's insoles.
And if we get bored, we can journey into the dark web.
Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol Blame it on the vodka Blame it on the Henny Blame it on the blue tap, got you feeling dizzy Blame it on the a-a-alcohol Blame it on the a-a-alcohol, blame it on the Hey, this place is pretty lit! We're not really open yet.
Still, it's pretty lit.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh, my God.
I love this song! Turn it up! Turn it up! On the floors of Tokyo Or down in London Town to go, go With the record selection and the mirror's reflection I'm dancing with myself When there's no one else in sight In the crowded lonely night Well, I wait so long for my love vibration And I'm dancing with myself, oh, oh Dancing with myself, oh, oh Dancing with myself Well, there's nothing to lose And there's nothing to prove God, what am I doing here? - ZOEY: Hello? - Hello? - Can you hear me? - Yes.
I drank too much and it's your fault.
My fault? Because you were rude to me! - What? I - Yes, you were! Tell me the truth.
Do you want to break up with me? Do you? Hold on a sec.
[RETCHING AND COUGHING.]
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- Oh, God.
Hold on, honey.
Come on.
Hold on.
I'm coming in.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, God.
[GROANS.]
Hi.
Hi.
Okay.
Ooh, wow.
How are you this drunk at 6:45? I don't think he loves me.
Oh, oh, it's okay.
No, it isn't! I love him.
Like, I'm in love with him.
- I need his kisses.
- No, you don't.
- And I need kisses.
- No, you don't.
- I need kisses.
- Stop.
Stop saying "kisses".
I need kisses.
Listen.
What you need is a wet wipe, some Advil, and a travel-sized bottle of mouthwash.
Oh, my God.
That purse is everything.
- It's magical.
- Okay.
You're magical.
You are.
Yeah, and it's time that you embrace that, okay? If we are gonna give away the best parts of ourselves, then it better to someone who deserves it.
Alright? Because you're great.
[SOBBING.]
I'm great.
Here.
You have a little ranch on your dress.
God, I hope it's ranch.
I bet you'd be a really great mom.
You know what? I am a great mom.
[SOBS.]
Oh, come You're going to be okay.
Things are going to be okay.
They are, you know? Hello? [SNORES.]
Oh, my God.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Did you hear that? Did you hear that, Mae? - Yes, I did.
- Stranger danger! - Please don't kill us! [ALL SCREAM.]
How did you know we were in here? Milo texted me.
Are you here to help me with my homework? Um Okay, so, what happened to Mom? - She just went AWOL.
- She didn't go AWOL! Why are you yelling? You don't even know what "AWOL" means.
I'd like to believe our mother has embarked on a spiritual journey to discover who she is outside of the label she uses to define herself.
- On the eve of my bake sale.
- Okay, stop talking, all of you.
I hope you little rats know that the only reason anything ever good happens in this house is because of your mother.
Every birthday, every Christmas.
If it were up to me, you would all live unfed and unclothed in the yard.
- Now do your homework.
- I did my homework.
Can you make dinner? Hey, don't ask her.
She's not here for you.
She's here for me.
Gross.
[SIGHS.]
I will make dinner.
Hey, can you also make brondies for my bake sale? - Brondies? - Yeah.
LISA: Martin.
Bake sale? This is going to be a disaster.
The only baking I do is directly after waking.
I'm not a baker.
Lucky for you, this little lady is.
- You? - No, not me.
Her.
Grandma Flour's Bakery is only 1.
3 miles away.
- They have 160 five-star reviews - [MARTIN GROANING QUIETLY.]
and their specialty is brownies.
I don't know.
Lena always bakes from scratch.
Why make things harder than they have to be? "Why make things harder than they have to be?" Kids, I'm going 1.
3 miles.
- You guys going to be okay for a minute? - We'll be fine.
Uh, keys.
Oh, there.
I wanna kiss you right now, but I can't 'cause of these kids.
[LAUGHTER.]
LISA: You're so funny.
Oh, hello.
Hi, Lena.
- Lisa Apple's here.
- Dad invited her.
Oh! Lisa, Lisa.
And the Cult Jam.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're looking very scholarly tonight.
Uh, I didn't realize that Martin had hired you to help with the kids, so what do we owe you? What'd we say we said $13? - Yep.
Okay.
- One, two, $12.
It was $12.
Lena, where the hell were you? I was trying to teach Mae a lesson.
And I do think those kids are ready for more responsibility.
I mean, when I was their age, I BOTH: #SurvivedTheMerger.
We know.
But I agree, those kids should be fending for themselves.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Lisa Apple.
I just I didn't want you to know that Lisa was a thing until I knew that Lisa was a thing.
And I certainly didn't want to bring her around the kids that early.
It's okay.
It's Lisa Apple.
You get to be with someone young and fun.
And I get to find out why she wears those ridiculous glasses.
I'm really glad that we can have this conversation - without fighting.
- Me, too.
- We're good.
- We are good.
Okay, well, we're gonna we're gonna get going.
We? Oh, Lisa Apple and you.
Right.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
MAE: Mom? Mae? - You okay? - No.
I'm a bad feminist and daughter, too.
What? Why would you say that? I mom-shamed you, which isn't at all in the spirit of the movement.
Oh, it's okay, sweetie.
No, it isn't.
And although I want you to break free of the domestic chains that bind you Nothing is binding me.
No one is binding me, okay? I chose to do things this way.
Work part-time so that I can be home with you kids.
And I think I'm doing a pretty good job because look at how cool you turned out.
I know an entire cheerleading squad that would beg to differ.
Who cares about the cheerleading squad? It's the band geeks who are going to be running the world.
The band geeks hate me, too.
Sorry I acted like being a mom wasn't important.
I really didn't like how it felt when you weren't home tonight.
Because, nevertheless she makes everyone feel safe.
Wait, why would the band geeks hate you? I licked the clarinet player's reed.
[SIGHS.]
[BOTH SIGH.]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, that was worth more than 12 bucks.
- [LAUGHS.]
Gee, thanks.
- No, I'm serious.
You could go pro.
Your pillow talk could use some work.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Ugh, I'm sorry.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what happened at our house with Lena and the kids.
I know that's not what either of us had in mind.
Oh, what are you gonna do? It is what it is.
- [LISA CHUCKLES.]
- "It is what it is".
I love this woman's outlook! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
-
But it also has creatine.
And? You want gainz? Well, yeah, I do, but I also want liver function.
Well, don't call me crying from your plateau.
Stop pretending that you know about this stuff.
LENA: When we first got divorced, we weren't nearly this chummy, but time had passed.
Okay, hot oven! MARTIN: Things have become chill.
Mmm, cinnamon! Nice touch, Mom! We were both thankful, and so was the rest of the family.
Because even though we were no longer together It just made sense for us to do things together.
Football time for me, guys.
I will clean up later.
I promise.
I promise.
Which made every day feel like Christmas morning.
We need to get batteries for that.
Anybody want anything? I'll have a mimosa, if you're making them.
- [CAR HORN SOUNDS.]
- Kids, school! And by the time spring rolled around - We were total buds.
- [BELL DINGS.]
It was hard to believe, but we'd recovered from I am done! I am done with the scrutiny.
That fight changed us.
- You deserve someone who feels that way about you.
- I realized I wasn't ready to be dating.
And I realized I was.
When I'm feeling blue - All I have to do - Lisa? - Oh, hey! Martin, right? - Hey.
You're Milo's dad.
Amongst other things.
Such as? Lover of romaine.
- It is a great lettuce.
- Yes.
- Nothing seems to matter - [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- My whole world could shatter - Why are they playing this song? - I don't know.
- I feel - weirdly emotional.
- Oh.
Well, here.
- Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
So, how's Milo? Uh, oh, good.
He's he's good.
He, uh Going into second grade, so he made it.
I always felt bad I couldn't help more with his issue.
Oh, what with the peeing in the flower bed thing? No, he stopped that on his own months ago.
The kid's got a bright future.
No, I meant the whole "serial-killer" handwriting.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
That.
I kept telling your wife his penmanship was totally age-appropriate.
Yeah, well, I kept telling her we're all gonna be speaking Mandarin - soon, right? So, who cares? - Apparently she did.
She did.
So, you've been good? Me? Very! Very good.
Not that good.
No, Lena and I s-separated.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Actually, we we divorced, and we're living together still for now, but divorcedly so.
That's not a word.
I ramble when I when I get nervous.
I'm I'm divorced.
Okay.
Well, my number's still good.
Give me a call if you ever feel like getting brunch or something.
Oh, yeah! I always feel like getting brunch or something.
I But I never, ever do.
Maybe you should change that.
Ugh! Was that Lisa (BLEEP) Apple? God, we hated her.
Did we? Yeah.
Remember those big, fake glasses she used to wear? Ugh, and she was so "holier than thou.
" She was always giving us kid advice even though she doesn't have kids.
Well, she is a tutor.
What does that mean? She's not a very good tutor.
How much money did we pay her for Milo to still write like the Zodiac Killer? Hm, I didn't realize how strongly we felt about her.
Well, we did.
Thank God she's not in our lives anymore.
Yeah.
Thank God.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay Hey, Mom.
I signed you up for the bake sale at school, - and it has to be something good.
- So, dig deep.
- Oh, can I pitch you some ideas? - Go.
What about one of those rainbow-layer cakes? No, Eric's mom's already doing that.
It's all over her Pinterest.
You follow Eric's mom on Pinterest? She has great boards.
Oh! How about this I reinvent a classic.
I like where this is going Sea-salt dusted brondie.
- Brondie? Is-is that even a word? Di - Brondie.
did you just coin that? Oh, my gosh.
I think I just coined that.
And the Nobel Prize for brondies goes to [MAE GROANS.]
Lot of homework? Just an English paper on female role models called "Nevertheless.
" We have to complete the phrase by writing something remarkable our female role model has done.
Oh, well, if you need to interview me, I'm available.
I chose Maya.
Maya Angelou? Aunt Maya.
She's a trailblazer.
Uh, what has she ever blazed besides those weed cigarettes for her "anxiety.
" It's more about what she doesn't do, which is conform to the antiquated cis-gender norms of patriarchal society.
Okay, if this is an English paper, you should start by speaking English.
She decided to have a kid on her own.
We should celebrate that.
Celebrate her decision to have baby? She hasn't even done it yet.
I've been boots on the ground for 15 years! Yeah, but, Mom, it's 2018, and you still get giddy about bake sales and stocking the pantry with apple juice.
I'm sorry, but you're part of the problem.
I'm part of the problem? You don't wanna shatter the glass ceiling.
You want to clean it with Windex.
Okay.
First of all, I make my own window cleaner with a combination of white distilled vinegar and freshly squeezed lemon juice, and the fresh lemon juice is the most important part! Okay, listen, we're gonna finish this conversation later! [MARTIN CHUCKLES.]
Oh, man! Look at all these people having brunch.
Is brunch funny? It is to me.
I haven't had brunch in 15 years.
- You must be starving.
- I am.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- Uh-oh.
- Something wrong? You ordered pico on the side.
That is pico on the top.
Oh, no biggie.
Huh? "No biggie"? You don't wanna send it back? Or make me send it back so the waiter doesn't hate you for sending it back? 'Cause I-I will.
I-I can get her over here.
Nope.
All ends up in the same place.
It it does end up in the same place.
That's exactly right! Were you in a long-term marriage or an underground bunker? [LAUGHS.]
I am starting to wonder.
And I'm seeing the world through brand-new eyes.
- You are? Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
I'm noticing things that I've never noticed before.
Me? You're noticing me? I am noticing the hell out of you.
Is this okay? I'll tell you in a second.
Yep, it is.
Were you wearing those glasses when I saw you the other day at the market? I'm sure I was.
They're my glasses.
Yeah.
They're your glasses.
[CHUCKLING.]
Come on.
Wow! Look at all this stuff.
Dad really saved everything.
Including Mom.
She looks great, though.
Can I have her? Mm-hmm.
She always hated physical affection.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, Mom.
Yes, every awkward phase of your lives has been lovingly preserved.
You're welcome, girls.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are we even looking for here? [SIGHING.]
I don't know.
Something that proves that before I was a mom and just momming all the time, that I was a female role model.
- You were? - Oh, look! My old Girl Scout sash! I got every badge.
Uh, that's my Halloween costume from college.
- These are joke badges.
- Mmm.
- See? This one's for binge drinking.
- I earned a lot of those sophomore year.
Okay, fine.
So I'm not a role model.
Not a Michelle or a Malala or an Amal or a Hillary or a Oprah or even a Gayle.
If Mae did a report on me, it'd probably be titled "Nevertheless, she did dishes.
" Uh, I think you're being a little - hard on yourself.
- Mmm.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
She picked you.
Mae is doing her essay on you.
[CHUCKLING.]
Really? - Wow, I don't even like Mae.
- Ditto.
I'm just kidding.
She's wonderfully acerbic.
I mean, could they be less grateful? Come on.
All kids are rotten.
You know that.
Especially girls.
Besides, Mae is wrong about you.
As I recall, you had a great deal of gumption.
- Gumption, yeah! - Sure.
- You were early to join the workforce.
- Uh-huh.
You in high school.
Didn't you work in that mailbox store? It was a FedEx Kinkos.
And I'm the only employee who survived the merger.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- There you go! Well, my daughter doesn't look up to me.
In fact, she looks down on me.
Why? Because I take care of her.
So, tonight, I'm gonna teach her a lesson.
- Big date alert! - My buddy's getting laid tonight.
First time in two years.
- Hot damn.
- Hey.
Can you not tell people that? Come on, man.
Don't worry.
It's a cone of silence in here.
So, what did Lena say about you going out with Lisa Apple? [CHUCKLING.]
I didn't tell her.
Martin, you and Lena are in a good place right now.
- What are you - She didn't tell me who she was dating.
Lena has history with this woman.
She finds out that you're doing stuff behind her back, there will be blood.
Full disclosure is the key to all healthy relationships.
- Yeah.
- What do you think, A-town? - Let me run it by Camille.
Mmm.
- You got it.
And that is how it's done.
Hey, baby.
Cy's gonna send you a photo of my new haircut.
Approve please.
Hey, gang.
So, I'm out.
- What? - I'm out.
I feel like too much of my identity is wrapped in being a mom, so I'm gon' go get turnt.
[GIGGLES.]
That's hilarious.
Mae, how do I look? Like someone who wants to regarded as a sexual object rather than a three-dimensional person.
Oh, you are so second wave sometimes, Mae.
Hey.
What about my bake sale tomorrow? Brondies? The recipe and ingredients are on the kitchen counter.
You're 14 and almost 16.
I had a job when I was your age.
So, I heard.
She worked in a mailbox store.
Hey! It was a FedEx Kinkos.
And I survived the merger! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- DEREK: So, where we going tonight? Actually I just need you to drive around the block for like an hour so that my kids think I'm out on the town.
Hey what? You-you-you all dressed up to not go out on the town? [CHUCKLING.]
What's up with that? My daughter thinks I'm a bad role model.
Look, you need to stop worrying about Little Mama - and start worrying about Big Mama.
- Big Mama? Look, you looking all good.
You better go and hit that club.
And I ain't talking about no Sam's.
- Are you talking about - The club club.
The clurb.
- Huh.
The clurb.
- Yeah, I don't think Big Mama can do that.
Can Big Mama? It's getting kinda dark.
Why's it getting so dark? Because that's what happens when the sun goes down.
Why is nobody taking care of me? - [THUD.]
- Who's there? - [FLOORBOARD CREAKS.]
- What was that? Milo, stop rolling around for a second.
[GRUFFLY.]
Milo isn't here.
- [CREAKING THEN BANG.]
- Tell me you heard that.
Okay.
Since I am the oldest and least stupid, everyone follow me.
- Where we going? - Somewhere safe.
Everybody in.
This will be our panic room till Mom gets home.
Good call.
If we get hungry, we can eat Mom's insoles.
And if we get bored, we can journey into the dark web.
Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol Blame it on the vodka Blame it on the Henny Blame it on the blue tap, got you feeling dizzy Blame it on the a-a-alcohol Blame it on the a-a-alcohol, blame it on the Hey, this place is pretty lit! We're not really open yet.
Still, it's pretty lit.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh, my God.
I love this song! Turn it up! Turn it up! On the floors of Tokyo Or down in London Town to go, go With the record selection and the mirror's reflection I'm dancing with myself When there's no one else in sight In the crowded lonely night Well, I wait so long for my love vibration And I'm dancing with myself, oh, oh Dancing with myself, oh, oh Dancing with myself Well, there's nothing to lose And there's nothing to prove God, what am I doing here? - ZOEY: Hello? - Hello? - Can you hear me? - Yes.
I drank too much and it's your fault.
My fault? Because you were rude to me! - What? I - Yes, you were! Tell me the truth.
Do you want to break up with me? Do you? Hold on a sec.
[RETCHING AND COUGHING.]
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- Oh, God.
Hold on, honey.
Come on.
Hold on.
I'm coming in.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, God.
[GROANS.]
Hi.
Hi.
Okay.
Ooh, wow.
How are you this drunk at 6:45? I don't think he loves me.
Oh, oh, it's okay.
No, it isn't! I love him.
Like, I'm in love with him.
- I need his kisses.
- No, you don't.
- And I need kisses.
- No, you don't.
- I need kisses.
- Stop.
Stop saying "kisses".
I need kisses.
Listen.
What you need is a wet wipe, some Advil, and a travel-sized bottle of mouthwash.
Oh, my God.
That purse is everything.
- It's magical.
- Okay.
You're magical.
You are.
Yeah, and it's time that you embrace that, okay? If we are gonna give away the best parts of ourselves, then it better to someone who deserves it.
Alright? Because you're great.
[SOBBING.]
I'm great.
Here.
You have a little ranch on your dress.
God, I hope it's ranch.
I bet you'd be a really great mom.
You know what? I am a great mom.
[SOBS.]
Oh, come You're going to be okay.
Things are going to be okay.
They are, you know? Hello? [SNORES.]
Oh, my God.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Did you hear that? Did you hear that, Mae? - Yes, I did.
- Stranger danger! - Please don't kill us! [ALL SCREAM.]
How did you know we were in here? Milo texted me.
Are you here to help me with my homework? Um Okay, so, what happened to Mom? - She just went AWOL.
- She didn't go AWOL! Why are you yelling? You don't even know what "AWOL" means.
I'd like to believe our mother has embarked on a spiritual journey to discover who she is outside of the label she uses to define herself.
- On the eve of my bake sale.
- Okay, stop talking, all of you.
I hope you little rats know that the only reason anything ever good happens in this house is because of your mother.
Every birthday, every Christmas.
If it were up to me, you would all live unfed and unclothed in the yard.
- Now do your homework.
- I did my homework.
Can you make dinner? Hey, don't ask her.
She's not here for you.
She's here for me.
Gross.
[SIGHS.]
I will make dinner.
Hey, can you also make brondies for my bake sale? - Brondies? - Yeah.
LISA: Martin.
Bake sale? This is going to be a disaster.
The only baking I do is directly after waking.
I'm not a baker.
Lucky for you, this little lady is.
- You? - No, not me.
Her.
Grandma Flour's Bakery is only 1.
3 miles away.
- They have 160 five-star reviews - [MARTIN GROANING QUIETLY.]
and their specialty is brownies.
I don't know.
Lena always bakes from scratch.
Why make things harder than they have to be? "Why make things harder than they have to be?" Kids, I'm going 1.
3 miles.
- You guys going to be okay for a minute? - We'll be fine.
Uh, keys.
Oh, there.
I wanna kiss you right now, but I can't 'cause of these kids.
[LAUGHTER.]
LISA: You're so funny.
Oh, hello.
Hi, Lena.
- Lisa Apple's here.
- Dad invited her.
Oh! Lisa, Lisa.
And the Cult Jam.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're looking very scholarly tonight.
Uh, I didn't realize that Martin had hired you to help with the kids, so what do we owe you? What'd we say we said $13? - Yep.
Okay.
- One, two, $12.
It was $12.
Lena, where the hell were you? I was trying to teach Mae a lesson.
And I do think those kids are ready for more responsibility.
I mean, when I was their age, I BOTH: #SurvivedTheMerger.
We know.
But I agree, those kids should be fending for themselves.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Lisa Apple.
I just I didn't want you to know that Lisa was a thing until I knew that Lisa was a thing.
And I certainly didn't want to bring her around the kids that early.
It's okay.
It's Lisa Apple.
You get to be with someone young and fun.
And I get to find out why she wears those ridiculous glasses.
I'm really glad that we can have this conversation - without fighting.
- Me, too.
- We're good.
- We are good.
Okay, well, we're gonna we're gonna get going.
We? Oh, Lisa Apple and you.
Right.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
MAE: Mom? Mae? - You okay? - No.
I'm a bad feminist and daughter, too.
What? Why would you say that? I mom-shamed you, which isn't at all in the spirit of the movement.
Oh, it's okay, sweetie.
No, it isn't.
And although I want you to break free of the domestic chains that bind you Nothing is binding me.
No one is binding me, okay? I chose to do things this way.
Work part-time so that I can be home with you kids.
And I think I'm doing a pretty good job because look at how cool you turned out.
I know an entire cheerleading squad that would beg to differ.
Who cares about the cheerleading squad? It's the band geeks who are going to be running the world.
The band geeks hate me, too.
Sorry I acted like being a mom wasn't important.
I really didn't like how it felt when you weren't home tonight.
Because, nevertheless she makes everyone feel safe.
Wait, why would the band geeks hate you? I licked the clarinet player's reed.
[SIGHS.]
[BOTH SIGH.]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, that was worth more than 12 bucks.
- [LAUGHS.]
Gee, thanks.
- No, I'm serious.
You could go pro.
Your pillow talk could use some work.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Ugh, I'm sorry.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what happened at our house with Lena and the kids.
I know that's not what either of us had in mind.
Oh, what are you gonna do? It is what it is.
- [LISA CHUCKLES.]
- "It is what it is".
I love this woman's outlook! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
-