Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

Heat Wave

1 REPORTER: Enjoy these cool-morning temperatures while they last, because when that marine layer burns off, it's gonna get hot and stay hot.
- We'll see temperatures soaring into - - the triple digits today - and staying there for the rest of the week.
I just don't think we should be packing that much medicine.
That's what the camp nurse is for.
What if someone doesn't feel well in the middle of the night? - Camp nurse.
- What if it's something small that you don't want to wake a whole nurse up for? Let's say Mason has a stomach ache that could be fixed with a cup of mint tea.
A cup of mint tea? In his bunk? How does that even work? - Lena, no.
- Just hear me out.
You are not packing him a-a tea kettle, okay? He's a 14-year-old boy, not Agatha Christie.
- He might miss the comforts of home.
- It's camp! He's supposed to miss the comforts of home! Ugh.
Hey, buddy.
You excited for camp? No.
What? You love camp.
I did love camp.
But Jules is gonna be there this summer.
Jules is your best friend.
He lives to humiliate me, Dad.
The kids at my camp think I'm cool, and now Jules is gonna be up there all summer, - drawing dongs on my face.
- Well, don't let him.
Listen, man.
You are bigger than Jules.
By a lot.
You got to put him in his place.
What do you mean, like fight him? No, of course not.
Don't fight him Maybe scare him a little, you know? Okay, man, look.
Let's let's let's practice, right? You're big.
You're strong.
Jules starts talking smack, right? You get all up in his grill, and you say Why do you insist on treating me like garbage and hurting my feelings? - No.
- I can say it louder.
It's not the volume that's the problem, okay? Asking someone why they treat you like garbage It's not a power move, okay? Try this If you keep running your mouth, baby boy, you're gonna wind up over my knee.
W what does that mean? I'm gonna spank him? - Maybe.
- LENA: Martin? [WHISPERING] Hey, work on that.
- The advice that you're giving Mason? - [NORMAL VOICE] Yeah? It kinda seems like you're encouraging him to be someone other than who he really is.
- Yes.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.
- Okay.
- Uh, guys! Bus is here in 15! - Okay, I pre-wrote your letters home.
They're multiple choice.
All you have to do is check the corresponding boxes and I'll know how you're doing.
These are all about bodily functions.
Okay, give me the letters.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Get on the bus.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Love you so much.
Have fun! - We'll see you at parents' weekend! - Be safe! Hey, are you guys gonna be bored with us gone all summer? Are you going to kill each other? [CHUCKLING] It'd be so funny if you killed each other! We're not gonna kill each other! It's gonna be exactly like when you are here! - [BUS ENGINE STARTING] - Don't forget to shower! Don't forget to have fun! Don't forget to kill each other! - Bye! - Love you guys! [EXHALES SOFTLY] Well, I'll tell you something I may have appreciated summer camp in the past, but I really appreciate it this year.
Joint custody is no joke.
I'm exhausted.
Now I understand why you get so cranky all the time.
[LAUGHS] Well, thank you for not attributing it to my period.
So, that's progress.
And I have to say, you've been really great - with the kids.
You really have.
- Oh, thank you.
And [INHALES SHARPLY] - Are you gonna cry? - No.
No? You're totally gonna cry.
You cry every time.
[SHAKILY] Well, not this year.
- Do you want some gum? - Sure.
[VOICE BREAKS] Okay [WHIMPERS] - Are you crying into your purse? - No.
- No? - No! [SOBBING] - Um, I'm gonna go in.
- Okay! And, uh, let me know when you got the gum.
- Okay! Bye! - All right.
Bye! [SOBBING] Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay [CLOCKS TICKING] [SIGHS] [EXHALING DEEPLY] [SIGHS] - Oh.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
It's weird with the kids gone, huh? - It is.
- Yeah.
- I'm just taking out the trash.
- I was just getting some air.
- It's hot in there.
There's no AC.
- Yeah, I know.
Look, Lena, I don't see why we have to keep doing this every-other-week thing while the kids are gone.
You know, we can just share the house for the summer.
- There's central air and - It's fine.
I think we can just stick with the program, and if I get too hot, um, I can just go to a cooling center.
A cooling center? Yeah, like, um, I can ride the bus, or go to my local library.
Uh, have it your way.
[LAUGHS] But I guess we're not gonna do our backyard Piña Colada Party this year? Ohh, I forgot about that long-standing tradition.
Whereby we celebrate our independence - from the children? - Mm, I recall, I recall.
[BOTH LAUGH] Hey, what if we still had the party, right, but we just invited lots more people? Yeah, so it isn't weird.
Yeah, like some neighbors, a couple of coworkers - Lisa Apple.
- Of course Lisa Apple! And maybe that guy who you had sex with in the car? - Maybe! Cool.
- Yeah.
Very cool.
"The cooling centah.
- This is weird.
- ARTHUR: Very.
It's the same exact party they used to throw when they were married.
Everything's the same.
Only now they get along.
- Oh, so now we dance together? - I was tired of my lady - Uh-huh, seriously? [LAUGHS] - We'd been together too long - [LAUGHS] - Like a worn-out recording Of a favorite song - This is this is us! [BOTH LAUGH] - Uh-huh.
- while she lay there sleeping - Come here.
So, what, they're lovebirds now? - I read the paper in bed - You know, I don't think my marriage was ever as good as their divorce.
It's like their divorce fixed the one thing that was the problem, which is excitement.
I mean before, they were always arguing, all right, there was always ALL: If you like piña coladas! And getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga If you have half a brain If you like making love at midnight - In the dunes of a cape - LISA: Martin? Hey.
- Hey! - I'm the love that you've looked for Hey babe? What is going on? I thought you said this was a little party.
A little Piña Colada Party! You thirsty? Can I get you one? Oh, no.
Those have more calories than a cheeseburger.
- Is that true? - They also have I didn't think about my lady - I know that sounds kinda mean - [LAUGHS] But me and my old lady - I'm the old lady! Hey! - Old lady! the same old, old routine Martin, I think I'm just gonna go grab some food.
- I'm so sorry.
- Wait, no.
Why? Why? We have food here.
We've got tacos and dogs, or whatever.
Yeah, but I-I just had the longest day today.
You wouldn't believe the phone call I had to make earlier ALL: Yes, I like piña coladas! And getting caught in the rain I'll call you later! I'm not much into health food - I am into Champagne - [CHEERING] I've got to get you by tomorrow [EXHALES] [SIGHS] Ohh.
[CHUCKLES] Mmm! Oh my God, that's hot.
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR] - Hey, you know where the box fan is? No.
But if you want to come in and look for it, you can.
Come on in.
Come in.
You're All the cold air's going out.
[SIGHS] So good.
So, so good.
Oh, please don't let there be a power outage.
Well, the main house will be fine, because of the generator.
But the garage however - Is that for me? - Uh-huh.
Little crank-radio action.
We got weather, a flashlight - Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS] Are you sure you don't want to stay here? Just until the temperature breaks.
Because selfishly, I am not looking forward to my week out there.
What do you think Lisa Apple would say? Is that what you're worried about? - Lisa Apple? - Well, I wouldn't like it if I were her.
But you're not her, okay? And I can guarantee you that she doesn't care.
She's totally cool like this house.
[NEWS AND MUSIC STATIONS OVERLAP] [BOTH LAUGH] - Okay, I'll stay in Mae's room.
- [MARTHA & THE VANDELLAS "HEATWAVE" PLAYS] But just until the heat wave is over.
You won't even know I'm here.
- So roomies? - Roomies! - Starts to burning - Get back over here.
- Ahh! - And I'm filled with desire Could it be a devil in me Or is this the way love's supposed to be? - It's like a heat wave - Heat wave - Burning in my heart - It's like a heat wave - I can't keep from crying - It's like a heat wave [TO MELODY] I don't have to sleep in the garage - [SOFTLY] Ba ba-ba-ba da [HUMS] - Hey, Lena?! Hey.
I don't still buy you deodorant.
It comes on its own.
We have a subscription.
Well, thank you.
Must have some perspiration-filled plans? That's a lot.
Lisa's taking me to some, like, hipster venue to see some music with her friends.
That sounds fun.
What are you up to? I am gonna exist in my own skin.
Oh, and maybe stalk the camp website for photos of our kids.
Oh, hey, if you find any, will you post 'em? For sure.
Is that what you're wearing? Yeah.
It's hot out.
Okay, you look like Baryshnikov.
Baryshnikov's a very sexy man.
I think maybe just a plain tee.
[LAUGHING] Okay You know my dad said he thinks that our divorce is better than our marriage.
Camille agreed with him.
- Well, that's not fair.
- Well, maybe it's true.
More equitable division of labor? New-found appreciation for what the other party brings to the table? Sex just not with each other.
Hey, I tried! Ah, [SIGHS] I never could get it right with you.
I could never ask for what I really wanted.
I was too hung up on the minutiae.
The minutiae? - Poor choice of words.
- [LAUGHS] Don't stop, never stop believing LISA: I can't believe you're out on a week night.
I am DVRing so many things right now.
[LAUGHS] Hey, thank you for doing this with me.
Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world.
WOMAN: Lisa! - Ahh! - Hi, guys! You look so good! - Okay, babe, this is - Yes.
Gemma, Rex, and Hashish.
- Hashish? - Everybody, this is Martin.
- Martin? - Uh-huh.
Can I get you guys a drink? Lavender Collins and he'll have a Pear Ginger Bellini.
Can I get an Elderflower Lime Martini? - Elderflower? - Yeah.
Thanks, babe! Mwuah! - [DEAP VALLY'S "ROYAL JELLY" PLAYS] - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh, no, ooh, Noel There ain't no light at the end of the tunnel Oh, oh, don't ya know There ain't no gold at the end of the rainbow Oh, no, oh, no, Noel There ain't no light at the end of the tunnel Oh, oh, don't ya know There ain't no gold If you wanna be Queen Bee [LAUGHS] Here's your beer, boss.
- Buck-twenty-seven.
- A buck-twenty-seven?! - Want to start a tab? - No, I-I don't want a tab.
- If you wanna be Miss Thing - God.
Then you better start hustling Excuse me! Out of the way! Excuse me! Coming through! - Noel, know how you feel - Guys, I'm coming in.
- Coming in.
- Oh, hey.
[LAUGHS] - Ahh! - [LAUGHS AND SHRIEKS] - GIRL: Ha! - Selfie! - Ahh! - Okay! Hey! So - you're moving back in together? - Temporarily.
And you're dancing together at the stupid colada party.
Stupid colada party? Come on, Lena, you know the only good thing about that party is the chorus.
What exactly is going on? Nothing! - We're roomies! - Roomies? What happened to the woman in your painting and her her journey? She is still on her journey.
But when she gets home from her journey, she has a roomie.
- Stop saying "roomie"! - No can do.
Because I am one.
And I have one.
I just hope that you realize that the only reason that you and your "roomie" are getting along so well is because you no longer have any expectations of one another.
The opposite of our dynamic.
And if you were still together, things would be exactly the same you would focus on the kids, he would focus on himself, and then you would punish him for making you feel invisible.
You're so smart and sexy.
You should be a psychiatrist.
- Thanks, hon.
You, too.
- [DOOR OPENING AT MARTIN AND LENA'S] - Yeah? - Oh You know what? I have to let you go.
I just heard the front door, and um, I'm gonna pretend like I'm asleep so that my roomie doesn't feel weird about having sex in the next room-y.
How rad was that? - [SIGHING] So rad.
So rad.
- So rad! You know what I'm in the mood for? [GROANS] A Gatorade and a good night's sleep? - No, old man.
- Oh, yes.
[WHIMPERS, LAUGHS] We have this entire house to ourselves, - Mmm - and I intend to use it.
Ohh! Aggh! I'm good, I'm good good.
- [GROANS] That's good.
That's hot.
So hot.
- You like it? - Mm-hmm.
- Hm? Woo-ooh! - Hello.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] Oh, hey, there you go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Chopper 7, right, we have liftoff.
There we go! [SIGHS] Oh, yeah.
Oh yeah.
[YAWNING] Yeah, that's good.
That's good, yep.
- You're such an old man.
- Sexy, sexy.
Very sexy.
- Yeah? - Not so sexy.
- Baby, it's too high.
It's above - Are you sure? it's above your belly button, yeah.
Aye Ow! Oh, my God, I think you just - I think you scratched my cornea.
- Aww! Ooh, ooh.
[LAUGHS] - Sorry! [LAUGHS] - [GROANS] No, I'm okay.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Babe, you are so sexy I can't even stand it.
But I am incredibly dehydrated, so if maybe I could just get some water, meet you upstairs? - I'll get it.
- [HUSHED] Okay.
[SULTRY] Meet you up there.
- Huh? - Oh, ohh.
- Oh, oh, there she goes! There she goes.
- Ba da-da da-da da-da! - - [HUMMING] Seriously? [CHUCKLES THEN GASPS] Oh, my God! [CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
- What happened? Is everything okay? - Nothing.
I just startled Lisa.
She's not wearing her glasses, so I don't think she knew it was me.
LISA: Ah, ha-ha, no.
I thought it was your week in the garage, - actually.
- Okay, look, look.
This is all my fault, okay? I forgot to tell you there's no AC out there, so we decided What what what is this? Is this new? I haven't seen this before.
It's not brand new.
It's new to you.
Lisa! Wait.
Lisa Lisa, hey.
It's the middle of the night.
Where are you going? [SCOFFS] Did you really think the three of us were just gonna shack up together? Come on, Lisa.
This is a big house.
- Don't be crazy.
- I am not being crazy.
In fact, this is the most sane I've ever been.
Lisa [SIGHS] You forgot your glasses.
Hey, hey, hey! Come on.
Lisa, come on.
Look, you need these to drive.
- Don't you? - Yes, I do.
I can't believe you're this angry.
Look, we're only doing this because of the heat.
You're only doing it 'cause of the heat, you're only doing it 'cause of the kids, you're only doing it because you're upside down on the house.
You have a million reasons why you refuse to let go of your ex-wife, except the only one that makes sense - You're still in love with her.
- [LAUGHS] Cut it out, all right? Don't think I didn't notice you spent the entire night on your phone liking pictures of Lena and the kids.
It's very obvious where your heart is, Signor.
And it's not with me.
"Signor"? Come on, Li That's that's not even That's not even true.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - [SCOFFS] Lisa - Lisa.
- [SLAMS DOOR] [ENGINE STARTS] Lena? Lena? Martin.
Yeah? Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is everything okay with Do you know what this is? - A turtle? - It's Josh.
Our turtle.
- Are you sure? - I'm sure.
I think [CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES] I think it's a sign.
- Josh is? - Josh had his chance.
Josh was handed his freedom.
And he could have gone anywhere and done anything.
And you know what Josh did? Josh came home.
Josh wants to be home.
- He does? - He does.
Hello, my old heart It's been so long Since I've given you away Um maybe take Josh off my hair.
- What? Oh.
- I don't want Josh in my hair.
- Can you put Josh on the ground? - Mm-hmm.
I've built around you - Okay.
- To keep you safe [PIANO PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES] Oh oh I - I thought we were roomies.
- We are not roomies.
When we were married, we were roomies.
Well, in that case, we have a big problem on our hands.
- We have a very, very big problem - Mm-hm.
[SIGHS] Hey.
I wanted you to look at me.
I felt like you stopped seeing me.
I see you.
[CREAKING AND BANG!] - LENA: Oh! What the - MARTIN: Aah! So, I'm sorry, we're buying all of the things on our housekeeper's wish-list? - Is it is it her birthday or something? - It's not stuff for her.
It's stuff she needs to clean our house.
Oh, hi.
Ohh, oh! [LAUGHING] - Hey.
- Hey! [ALL CHUCKLING] What what I It's.
It's really good to see you guys.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Do you know what this means? Yes.
Lisa Apple's housekeeper is pregnant.