Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e07 Episode Script

Paige Turner

1 [DOOR CLOSES] Wow.
Big Adele fan, huh? No, just a fan of a free T-shirt.
Look, I'm here to update you on the construction.
I, uh, I have a new date of completion.
Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, this ain't my first rodeo, all right? We agreed on eight weeks.
So before you go trying to pad the schedule with some story about a fire at the sconce factory, this job will be done - In one week.
- What? We're a little early, so feel free to use it on your Yelp review.
That's a lot early.
I mean, that is good news, yes? Now you can sell the house.
Yeah, right, of course.
We're absolutely gonna do that.
Right after we redo the garage.
What? You're finished so early, let's put in a new kitchen, update the bath.
How long will that take? We already have a lot of work lined up.
I mean, I can try to squeeze in Squeeze in.
- It will not be quick.
- Who said quick? Take your time.
Treat me like a lady.
Incidentally, we're gonna need to pay you in tiny, lady-like installments.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel I just need someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay Hey, neighbor.
Hey.
I made you something.
Breakfast buns? These are them? You made these for me? Well, I made 'em for the kids, but I had couple dozen left over, so Mmm.
I also wanted to talk with you about remodeling the garage.
So good.
I was thinking maybe we bring this whole place up to code.
Why? Why are they so good? Huh? I mean, did you put extra cinnamon o-or, like, vanilla? Maybe put in a small kitchen? Smart.
Yeah, it'll be great for the resale value when we sell.
If we sell.
- When we sell.
- If or when we sell.
Just ask Vlad just not to start work in here right away.
I have plans tomorrow night.
Oh, no problem.
Thank you.
What the hell? Oh, yeah, no, it's, uh, it's citrus-tinged - Uh, yeah.
- With, uh With.
.
- - hints of sun-dried huckleberry.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Now, would you say that scent is overpowering or welcoming? - Welcoming? - Mm.
- I guess? - Good.
Good, good, good.
And would you say the throw pillows are carefully arranged or casually tossed? 'Cause I'm going with casually tossed.
Do you have a garage date? Well, we may not limit it to the garage, but, uh, yeah.
Yeah.
First date.
You know, you don't wanna just keep her in the garage.
Get her out there, see some things.
It's not a first date.
Of course not.
Why would it be? Just awesome, crazy, sexy, cool.
So, where did you meet this little chickadee, this boneless, skinless lil' nugget? Um, well, uh, she works in my building, and she has bones and skin.
Jackpot.
I'm sorry.
Is this making you feel weird? I-I'm actually feeling weird.
- What?! Why? - I just It's not weird at all.
Not a'tall.
I am super psyched for you guys, and I hope you have so much fun on your date with the casually-tossed pillows.
ARTHUR: Doesn't he have someplace to go? If he did, wouldn't he be there right now? I mean, what do children do all day? Sell magazines? He's obviously exhausted.
- Yeah.
- Right? I'm sure he'll wake up when it's time to feed.
For now, I'm just gonna leave him with these frozen mozzarella sticks, house key, some pocket cash, and a sticky note expressing our love.
Mwah.
Okay, does he really need $100? Yes, he does.
Love you, Auntie.
It's a joy I've never known.
Do you love me? LENA: Am I thrilled that he's got some rando garage gal staying over? MAYA: Okay, how is she the garage gal? You're the one who lives in there.
Seriously, could you imagine if some guy was like, "Hey, come on over to my garage.
Do you Uh, did you want to watch some TV in my garage? Can I get you a drink from the mini-fridge in my garage?" That's your mini-fridge.
You bought it.
Well.
I'm certainly not gonna rock the boat.
Martin's already got one foot out the door.
You know who doesn't have one foot out the door? My little nephew.
Sleeping in his little footsie pajamas, with his little fuzz-stache, holding onto his big, ol' bottle of grape soda he falls asleep with every night.
You know, he just lost a tooth.
Camille, that's not good.
I don't judge your parenting, "garage girl.
" I honestly don't know what his mother is so upset about.
The kid's an absolute angel.
Well, that's probably because you don't ask him to do anything like brush his teeth or take a shower.
How's he doing in school? Camille? Gun-Woo goes to school, right? I assume so.
I don't know for sure.
I'm not his jailer.
Oh, my God.
That's a no.
He's here on vacation.
Plus it was just Thanksgiving, so aren't schools shut down until after Sundance? My understanding was that the two of you were supposed to be helping him get his act together.
By doing what? By sticking him in another institution that he's just gonna fail out of because they don't get him nor he them? Well, what about home-school? I I've been doing some research, and I think I might actually do that myself.
I think I might actually do that myself.
But you're not really an educator.
Aren't I? - I mean, no.
- No.
Look, I think that we can all agree that with smartphones and iPhones and Androids, AT&T, Sprint, and Verizon She's just naming phone carriers.
Knowledge is obsolete.
Everyone just Googles everything anyway.
But do you know what you can't Google? Good taste, a discriminating palate.
And those are the things that I can teach him.
Well, I'm sold.
LENA: Hey, Vlad? Martin wants us to hold the work on the garage.
Apparently he and his girlfriend have plans.
I mean, girlfriend is a little premature, but she is staying over.
Which is great and not at all weird.
- I made some crudités for him - Yes, we can do that, sir.
- To put out - I understand.
Oh, on the phone.
You are on the phone.
That's why I sent you the samples, yes.
Uh I'm I'm still talking.
I thought you might react this way.
We can try it again, yes.
Hopefully fourth time's the charm.
You have a good one, too.
Mm-hmm.
Bad day? I actually think I found a client that's more difficult than you.
I'm particular.
I think that's a bit more fair.
And just like you, he is very, very annoying.
But at least you know exactly what you want.
This guy has no idea.
Have you tried asking him what sort of lifestyle he aspires to, you know, and then work those elements into a concrete design? What do you mean? Let's say he wants to feel like a fancy Moroccan hotelier.
You suggest a sunken living room with a fire element.
Woven rugs, hanging lanterns, decorative tile You speak high-maintenance crazy person.
- Well - You are bilingual.
Come speak to my mentally unstable client, translate for me.
Uh, I'm very flattered, but Actually, I'd love to get out of the house.
Yes? - Yeah.
- Great.
When I was child, I had no real mentors because all of the grown-ups around me were so tacky.
Sad.
And it seemed like all those tacky grown-ups cared about was whether or not I knew the capital of Ethiopia.
Addis Ababa.
- What? - The capital of Ethiopia.
Okay, great.
You know the capital of Ethiopia.
Done.
Now, do you know how to cultivate your own steez without being a label whore? Not sure.
Do you know how to fake it till you make it, frontin' like you livin' that five-star, baller-ass lifestyle when all you really got in your pocket is a used-up In-N-Out gift card? Because those are the things T-Mobile can't teach you.
But I can.
Whoa.
I want this guest bathroom to be perfect.
Like mm, Mid-Century? - I love Mid-Century.
- But Mid-Century now.
- Future farmhouse.
- Okay.
And I want an infinity sink and infinity towels.
So, like, towels that don't stop? Yeah, they just go on forever.
Just infinity.
And how many of those do you want? Just, like, two.
Also, you don't have to run everything by me.
I'm super easy.
Listen, I'm done.
Let's quit this guy, go to Fatburger right now, please.
Farro.
I have two words, and you can call me crazy or you can call me crazy like a dang fox.
Rose gold.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Well, I'm a dirty slut for rose gold.
But that's not it.
I'm also seeing a dark, charcoal wash floor to ceiling.
It will create a caustic, dystopian landscape [GASPS] that will be overthrown by the luxe, gleaming, rose gold fixtures.
The juxtaposition will be sublime.
I'm literally going to vomit joy.
I love it.
I love this woman, and I lurve her ideas.
We cannot finish this project without she.
I'll pay whatever.
I'll work hourly, and you never have to speak to Farro again.
- Let's go get that Fatburger.
- Deal? Deal.
When is the best time to visit the Grecian Isles? Uh, before Easter to avoid tourists.
Correct.
Unless, of course, you want to go to the beach, then? Late July.
When is the best time to visit Paris? - Christmas.
- Trick question.
Paris is passé.
Right.
Christmas is always in Zurich.
- Yes.
- [WATCH CHIMES] Oop.
Time for recess.
So, why don't you go Nair your upper lip, have a little grape soda, brush after, and then I'll see you back here in three and a half hours.
Okay.
Love you, Auntie.
Hey.
How's it going, teach? [EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm not sure whom's teaching whom.
You're supposed to be teaching him.
E-Y.
Boom.
Triple word score.
- That's four times three.
- That's not a word.
That's 12.
"Noodley.
" - [LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
- Yes, it is.
"Noodley," right? Like Like when you want a noodle with something, right? You're noodley.
So it has nothing to do with eating noodles? Go ahead.
Hm? Challenge me.
- Challenge me.
- I challenge you.
[LAUGHS] Mm.
I think your ex-wife is watching us from the window.
What? No, no, she wouldn't.
Oh, yep.
That's her.
Lena.
Come on.
Yes, you.
Come out here.
- [SIGHS] - LENA: Hey! - Hey.
- Hey.
Look at Yeah.
Okay.
Um so, uh, this is Paige.
Paige, uh, this is my ex-wife, Lena, and our contractor, Vlad.
Hi.
Oh, man.
We're moving kind of fast.
I'm not sure I'm ready to meet your contractor.
[LAUGHS] Witty! Quick and witty.
Scrabble, huh? Uh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
This one is kicking my ass.
She's up 100 points here.
Ooh! Mm.
Yeah.
No.
We We were in the garage, but it's getting kind of cramped, so Well, please let me be the first to welcome you.
I already welcomed her.
Well, then let me be the first person to say howdy.
Howdy-ya-doody.
Wow.
You guys are just so cordial.
Mm.
I mean, you'd have to be, right? - Right.
- Right.
[CLEARS THROAT] Right.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Yes, and may I wish you a very Lacey Chabert.
Let's go.
"Party of Five"? Okay, so You wanna get a bite to eat? - Are you kidding me? - Hm.
You're gonna act like that did not just happen? Like what didn't just happen? Well, I mean, she was so uncomfortable that I was here.
Oh.
Maybe I just don't get your whole setup.
Right, um, so, uh, every other week No, I get it.
I just I don't understand it.
Look, this is all temporary.
You know, we're gonna sell the house, we're gonna go our separate ways.
We already talked about it.
Right.
And noodley's a word.
Yes.
Oh.
- Don't trick me like that.
- [LAUGHS] Do you think Mr.
Crazy will like these tiles for his shower? No.
It needs to be matte.
Hey, what did you think of Paige? Uh, I don't know.
I mean, she seems 'Cause I really like her.
She is so, so great.
I mean, what a doll.
But what was up with her calling us "cordial"? That's a compliment, no? Not how she said it.
So you don't like her? No, I love her.
I just didn't expect her to be so judgmental.
I mean, do you find her to be judgmental, bordering on intolerant? Uh, I don't know.
All you American women seem the same to me, with all your flowy tops and the shelter dogs.
I'm just surprised that she's so age-appropriate.
Martin's mostly been dating younger women, you know, who are kind of flighty.
Not women like Paige! [CHUCKLES] Yeah, I see now.
You're still in love with your ex-husband.
- What? No.
- Mm-hmm.
That's why we fix the garage.
More construction means more time, you don't sell the house, and then get him back in your clutches.
I'm fine with Martin dating.
I just want him to be with someone who's more on board with our current living situation.
But he is not on board with it.
And I'm hoping to change that.
Because you're still in love.
[SCOFFS] I am not.
I am going to be in a relationship, too, at some point.
Honey, you are already in a relationship.
With him.
[LAUGHING] No.
I am a single woman.
You don't put out single-woman vibes.
I put out major single-woman vibes.
To me, you feel off the market.
Well, I'm not off the market.
I am on the market.
I am an open house, baby.
Anyone in this neighborhood could come by and just walk right through my No heat.
Because you caught me off-guard.
If I knew you were gonna kiss me, I would've brought my "A" -game.
One more try.
No more tries.
Hey! Hey, you work for me.
You get back here and kiss me one more time! You looking for something? I was just showing Paige our old record player.
You're not gonna seduce her using Coldplay on vinyl, are you? Um, no.
I retired that album on you.
Good.
Hm.
Plans for the garage? Actually, it's for a client.
A client? Yeah.
I forgot to tell you Vlad hired me to consult on one of his remodels.
Wow, seriously? Seriously.
Hm.
[CHUCKLES] Is that funny? No.
No, no, no.
I think it's, uh, it's awesome.
You'd be great at that.
- Well, thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Martin, I need to explain something.
Oh, about the spying? Yeah.
Yeah, a-and it didn't help to convince Paige that our situation is chill, by the way.
Aha, so she doesn't think it's chill.
Because it's not chill.
- Why were you watching us? - I'm not.
I-I thought there was a wasps' nest - Mm.
- Hanging from the garage, so actually, I was looking out for you guys.
Okay.
Hey.
Thank you.
Got it.
I'll let her know.
Totally chill.
I just live with my ex-wife and a bunch of wasps.
And our three kids.
Them, too.
Just keeps getting better and better.
And don't forget our turtle, Josh.
And everything he stands for.
Can't stop, won't stop, get guap Ten white toes in them Tory flip-flops Manicures and pedicures, I'm always tip-top Camille, my dove, you know I'm not one to confront you about anything.
When we first started dating, I let you call me Anton for about six months.
Hm, I miss the Anton days.
And, Gun-Woo, I love your sound, and I'm not really trying to rock the boat or anything, but I think there might be some major holes in your curriculum.
Name one.
Science.
False.
We studied geology yesterday.
Show me how you do it Show me how you do it It's a little cloudy.
Good catch.
CAMILLE: And after that, we did P.
E.
And then we started history.
See, this is her face in 2002, and this is her face now.
Show me where she's had work done.
[GASPS] Bitch got a new chin.
Is he actually learning anything academic? Gun-Woo, if I take four 30-minute Pilates classes for every one 45-minute barre class, how many hours of total exercise have I done if I've done three barre classes? 8 hours and 15 minutes, Auntie.
Satisfied? I am so sorry, baby.
I had no idea how detailed and Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
We're in the middle of a lesson here.
Forgive my insolence.
I will make it up to you.
Perhaps a vacation to Zurich for Christmas? - Hey.
- Hey.
Paige, um, I was just I felt like there was some awkwardness when we first met.
I felt like I was awkward.
Yeah, you were.
Oh.
Great.
Same "page.
" [CHUCKLES] I just I know that this whole arrangement might seem a little odd, but I'm proud of what we have here.
I mean, I'm I'm more than proud.
I cherish it.
But I could see how, if I were the new girl coming in, I might not like it very much.
But you have to understand, there are three kids who still need two parents, and we all count on each other.
So I guess what I'm hoping this breakfast will say is, thank you in advance for your understanding.
Mm.
Mmm.
So, that whole innocent, disenfranchised homemaker routine, people are buying that? [CHUCKLES] Beg pardon? I've got your number, lady.
And it has nothing to do with your kids or your home or the co-parenting.
And it has everything to do with you and your unresolved feelings for Martin.
MARTIN: Babe, where'd you go? Nowhere, hon.
Look! We've got breakfast in bed.
Here we go.
Black, like your soul.
Just for the record, I take 11 sugars.
Ew.
I might have another design job for you, a house in Bel Air.
They have lots of money and terrible taste.
I'm in.
Oh, Mr.
Crazy hired a professional photographer to take pictures of your bathroom.
- You want to see? - Of course.
All right, here.
I really love what we did with the hardware and Do me, baby Like you wanna Do me, baby If you gonna Do me Like a nasty man Like a nasty man That time, I caught you off-guard.
Hold me Do me if you wanna Do me like you wanna