Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e14 Episode Script
Annie, Are You Okay?
1 Previously on "Splitting Up Together" I heard something about you.
Are you pregnant? Test was negative, so you're off the hook.
No giving up this time.
No matter what.
Forever and ever.
Deal.
MAE: Gross.
So gross.
Really? I think it's beautiful.
We are not having this baby in the Cowboy Palace Saloon.
Hey! No baby.
It was a false alarm.
- Clear the hall.
- Whoa! - [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [INDISTINCT BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Forever and ever.
Go.
You have to.
- No, I I-I can't.
- You can.
[SIGHS.]
- Okay, well, I love you.
- Love you.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
Oh, hey, and Martin?! [MARTIN SIGHS.]
Tell Lisa Apple "What's up?" - [LENA SIGHS.]
- [SMOOCHES.]
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay - - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- [MONITOR BEEPING.]
- [INDISTINCT BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
What are you doing here? You're having a baby.
They wanna do a C-section.
The baby's breech.
Well, are your parents coming? They're on a cruise.
I haven't been able to reach them.
[GASPS.]
- Okay.
Okay.
- [WINCES.]
Look, you're gonna do great.
You're gonna do great.
Just just say "yes" to all the drugs.
SUNSHINE: Ready to have a baby? Who's this? - Uh I'm just, uh I think that I might - He's Martin.
He's Martin.
- I'm Martin.
- He's the dad.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Hey, Dad.
[CHUCKLES.]
Better late than never.
- Scrub up.
- Oh, no.
He's not We're we're not a It it's not like a - He's not a part of this, so - I'd like to be.
I-I can be.
I want to be.
If you'll let me be.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
[KATE BUSH'S "THIS WOMAN'S WORK" PLAYS.]
Oh, oh [VOCALIZING.]
Pray God you can cope I stand outside This woman's work This woman's world Ooh, it's hard on the man Now his part is over I know you have a little life in you yet I know you have a lot of strength left I should be crying, but I just can't let it show I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking Of all the things I should have said That I never said All the things we should have done that we never did All the things I should have given but I didn't Oh, darling, make it go away Just make it go away [VOCALIZING.]
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- [TAPPING.]
CAMILLE: If we're gonna day-drink, we'd better get started.
- [SIGHS.]
- It's day.
How did you know I was here? Martin texted me.
I came as soon as I heard.
[SIGHS.]
Did you get a haircut? I came as soon as I heard and directly after my haircut.
Only because Andy's so hard to get in with and he probably would have charged me if I didn't show.
- Oh.
- I mean, I don't know for sure that he would have charged me, but I didn't want to risk it.
Plus, I was really ready for a change.
- Okay, Camille.
- And how are you? I mean [SIGHS.]
all things considered? Okay, just do me a favor and don't even front.
This could not suck any harder.
Come on, Camille.
Martin and I are gonna be fine.
Apple army in da house! You guys, I'm legit having a flashback - to my very first stomach pump.
- Ugh! Can we get our picture? - Want one.
- Okay.
Coachella weekend one called.
- They want their wristbands back.
- [LAUGHS.]
What are they even doing here? [SIGHS.]
What are we doing here? - - [BABIES CRYING.]
SUNSHINE: Okay, Dad.
Let's go over the home care sheet for Mom.
Actually, I think you should just go.
- What are you talking about? I - Let's just drop the charade, shall we? It's not gonna be "Mom and Dad.
" It's just gonna be Mom.
Lisa You didn't want to be in my life when I didn't have a baby, I think it best if we - I step out? I'm I'm stepping out.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll step out.
- [LISA SIGHS.]
- That's what she wants.
But you can't expect me to walk out of here and pretend this baby never happened.
And you might not want me around, but our daughter Annie.
Annie.
Well, Annie might feel differently.
I'ma go get an ice-pack for your butthole.
Hey, Dad! I've been a pediatric nurse for 17 years.
Check back tomorrow.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh.
Martin.
She okay? She's okay.
And the baby? Little girl.
Annie Apple.
And she's Mine.
- Right.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
How are you? Mm.
Bit shocked.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hmm? You know what would be nice? If we organized a meal train, for Lisa.
That way she doesn't have to worry about food when she gets home.
I mean, I would have loved that! Did they give you any sense of when she's gonna be discharged? - Lena.
No diapers.
- And I can pick up some diapers.
No meal train, okay? She doesn't want me to be a part of the baby's life.
I barely got to see her.
No, no, no, no.
No, she doesn't mean that.
She just gave birth.
She's reeling.
We just need to give her some time, she'll come around.
She's had nine months to come around - Martin, listen to me.
- Someday, Annie is gonna ask if her father wanted to be part of her life.
If he tried to know her.
And that answer needs to be yes.
She needs to know that you didn't do nothing.
So we're just supposed to sit here and do homework, pretend Mom and Dad aren't playing "Smash Bros" upstairs? Wait, Mom and Dad got "Super Smash Brothers"? Oh, oh, Mae.
Gross.
What's gross is them sneaking around and disrespecting the institution of divorce.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Think we should tell him? I'm not gonna be the one to emotionally scar Milo.
There's your Mommy Joshua.
You're right.
Let's make Mom do it.
MARTIN: Sunshine, yes, hi.
Uh, yeah.
I'm just I'm calling to check on the girls.
Just making sure everybody's good.
You know what? They're doing great.
They're actually being discharged tomorrow morning.
Lisa's up and around and anxious to get home.
That's great.
That's great.
Do you know what time? Maybe I could I could pick them up She made other arrangements, Martin.
I'm I'm sorry.
She's she's just not there yet.
But you said you've been a nurse for 17 years.
And in 17 years, I've never seen anyone less there yet.
What can I say? - - [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Thanks for coming with.
Oh, no problem.
I know how committed you are to scaling insurmountable objects.
Hey, hey, hey! Your dog! - Are-aren't you gonna call after him? - Nope.
Unlike you, I don't chase after everything that runs.
No, if that dog is ready to move on, I am prepared to let him go.
- Ah, he's got all the answers, folks! - [CHUCKLES.]
[MARTIN CHUCKLE.]
[SIGHS.]
So tell me now.
What do I do now, huh? Just make a decision you can live with, because you're the one that's gonna have to.
But I can't just force Lisa to let me be in Annie's life.
But I'm worried, you know, if I do nothing, I'll regret it.
Well, respecting Lisa's wishes isn't doing nothing.
It's doing what she asked you to do.
Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.
Oh, look who's back, and now our relationship continues.
You see that? Why? Because he wants it to.
I provide him with food, water, shelter, affection, but he still had to run all the way up to the top of that mountain to find out that none of those things are waiting for him up there.
Hmm.
You should write a book.
- Oh, come on! - [CHUCKLES.]
You don't read.
- - Ah, come on, boy.
- - [CRUNCHING.]
- Look how stunning Mom is.
- Yeah, - she's, like, luminous.
- Hmm.
Don't you think she should be out there, dating? Yeah.
She needs to love again.
Something other than those mini-cheese crackers.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
They are not wrong about the crackers.
Maybe we should set her up with Alan's dad.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
[CRUNCHING.]
Why are you kids talking about me like I'm not here? We just want more for you than processed cheese.
More? These crackers are really good.
Yeah, but Alan's dad is a divorced sculptor who looks like Nathan Fillion.
He's single.
You're single.
Right? - Right.
Mm-hmm.
Quite right.
All right.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Tell Alan I'm DTF.
- Oh.
- "Down to find out more about his dad.
" Just tell 'em to hit me on the hip.
- We don't get your references.
- Like, at all.
- They know.
- They totally know.
Aww.
Thanks for the hand-me-downs.
Jasper really had the cutest stuff.
"I'm kind of a big dill.
" [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Man, Jasper would blow this one out.
- Mmm.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do not move a pregnant muscle.
I got it.
Who are you? - Who are you? - Gene? - [GRUNTING.]
- So introductions are in order, huh, Gene? This is Frank, a.
k.
a.
Sugar Beard, a.
k.
a.
Country Music Face.
- And, Frank, this is - Gene.
I heard of you.
- Heard of you, too.
- Oh, yeah? - What have you heard? - Good stuff.
Some might say mighty good.
Heard that you're nice and that you're handsome.
Story checks out.
Well, that's rightly gracious of you.
And I would add that if we met under different circumstances, I could imagine us as friends or partners.
Business or pleasure? That'd be your call.
- Uh, what? What's going on here? - Well, you tell me.
I mean, I text you on the way home from my tourney, starving, ask you to order two tuna subs.
I get home? No subs.
No return text.
Now this? Um, Frank, I'm gonna speak to Gene, - uh, in private for for just a moment.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Do you have some kind of sensor that goes off when I'm experiencing joy? No, but that is a product I'd be interested in if the tech exists.
It does not.
What is this, Gene? You-you suddenly care what I'm doing? - Basically.
- Too little, too late.
Yeah.
That's right.
I am now with a guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
And this time, I'm gonna hold on tight.
'Cause you were kind of a [BLEEP.]
to me.
Yeah, I'm kind of a [BLEEP.]
That's what I bring to the table.
Look, I'm emotionally unavailable.
It's my mother's fault.
She didn't breastfeed.
No, don't blame your mother She could not get me to latch.
But then all these years later I finally did latch.
To you.
Ew.
Look, what I need to say right now, and then I'll walk out of your life forever, is that I love eating subs with you.
Go! You should do karate.
- Goodbye, Gene.
- Oh.
Secret husband, reporting for duty.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, Lena.
According to the book, you've got a good eight weeks before the baby can even see that you aren't there.
I need to say something.
And I need you to hear me and try to understand, okay? Okay.
I think we should respect Lisa's decision.
And by "we," I mean "you" because I've already decided to.
- But, Martin - No, Lena, hey.
- You have to trust me.
- No, you have to trust me.
Lisa is home right now with no one to help her.
She's recovering from surgery with a newborn, and you may not remember what that means, but I do.
She can't even stand up straight or fix a meal or take a shower And she has to wear those giant mesh underpants.
I remember.
But if she wants to do this alone, she has a right to.
Babe, you are kind and generous and full of empathy and quite possibly focusing on Lisa because it's easier than focusing on us right now, and I get that.
I truly do.
But this is not yours to fix.
This is.
And I'm just [SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that Annie's arrival into this world is causing you pain.
And I'm sorry that this is gonna be just so much more complicated than we anticipated.
I'm just [SIGHS.]
really, really sorry.
[SIGHS.]
[WHISPERING.]
I'm sorry, too.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
No one knows I'm here, and no one needs to know.
All I want to do is clean your bathroom, stock your fridge, do some laundry, and give you a chance to take a shower.
No questions asked.
Does that sound okay? [WEAKLY.]
Yeah.
Oh.
Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry.
- [GASPS.]
Thank you.
- Toast? There you are.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- So, um, is he a sensei? Who, Gene? No, he's a waiter.
But that trophy, it was Oh, yeah.
Probably for participation.
And the belt? Your leather cowboy belt is the only one I am interested in.
- [SIGHS.]
- - [MURMURS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [GIGGLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wait, did you [GASPS AND CHUCKLES.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- Really? Oh.
Oh, don't cry.
Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry.
What am I doing wrong? This boob is about to burst.
She's crying like she's hungry, but she won't nurse.
Well, if I were to guess, and, um, it's just a guess, she sounds a little congested.
Oh, my God! Right! Totally! Okay, I know this one.
Um, they gave me this mini turkey baster thing - [CRYING CONTINUES.]
- Sweetie Okay, unless you want to impregnate a hamster, that thing is useless.
This is what you want.
This is your new best friend.
"The Snot Sucker.
" It's Swedish.
Okay, so you just lodge it, and then you [SLURPS.]
suck it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- [CRYING CONTINUES.]
- [SLURPING.]
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Full tube.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Wow.
- That's amazing, but gross.
- [LAUGHS.]
Um, kind of satisfying.
Would you mind holding her? - I just I want to clean it.
- Yeah.
- - Okay.
[WHISPERING.]
Hi, baby.
Hey.
Do you think she's gonna eat? Oh, of course she will.
You're a genius.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERING.]
Can I? Oh, here.
Hi, baby.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay.
- [COOS.]
- Mm-hmm.
Ohh, ah, ah.
[WHISPERING.]
She's eating.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
When she's done, it's gonna be your turn.
I made you a veggie barley soup, which is great for milk production.
Why are you being so nice to me? Um because I am you? Or I was you.
I mean, not exactly you, but.
.
I've been there, iced that.
Also, I mean, I saw your support system at the hospital, and those guys are way more prepared for bottle service than bottle service.
Okay, come on.
You have to admit that was a good one.
[COOING.]
[WHISPERING.]
There you are.
See you tomorrow? See you tomorrow.
- Hey.
I was just calling you.
- Hey! I got paranoid that you changed your mind and ran away from me and all my baggage.
Quite the opposite! I was planning on making you - and all your baggage some pancakes.
- Oh, come here.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MARTIN SMOOCHES AND MOANS.]
Help! No! My eyes - Kissing! I saw them kissing! - Same.
Same.
I wasn't allowed in the Cowboy Saloon, but I could still see inside of it.
I knew you knew.
All right, who's gonna break it to Alan's dad? Break what? - They're getting back together, moron.
- Nuh-uh! Well, we were saving the exclusive for "Us Weekly," but, yep, Mom and I are a thing.
How long do you think it will last this time? [COUGH-WHISPERING.]
Monogamy's a myth.
I am just glad everything's out in the open.
You know, families are supposed to be honest with each other.
Right? Right.
Right.
-
Are you pregnant? Test was negative, so you're off the hook.
No giving up this time.
No matter what.
Forever and ever.
Deal.
MAE: Gross.
So gross.
Really? I think it's beautiful.
We are not having this baby in the Cowboy Palace Saloon.
Hey! No baby.
It was a false alarm.
- Clear the hall.
- Whoa! - [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [INDISTINCT BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Forever and ever.
Go.
You have to.
- No, I I-I can't.
- You can.
[SIGHS.]
- Okay, well, I love you.
- Love you.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
Oh, hey, and Martin?! [MARTIN SIGHS.]
Tell Lisa Apple "What's up?" - [LENA SIGHS.]
- [SMOOCHES.]
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay - - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- [MONITOR BEEPING.]
- [INDISTINCT BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
What are you doing here? You're having a baby.
They wanna do a C-section.
The baby's breech.
Well, are your parents coming? They're on a cruise.
I haven't been able to reach them.
[GASPS.]
- Okay.
Okay.
- [WINCES.]
Look, you're gonna do great.
You're gonna do great.
Just just say "yes" to all the drugs.
SUNSHINE: Ready to have a baby? Who's this? - Uh I'm just, uh I think that I might - He's Martin.
He's Martin.
- I'm Martin.
- He's the dad.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Hey, Dad.
[CHUCKLES.]
Better late than never.
- Scrub up.
- Oh, no.
He's not We're we're not a It it's not like a - He's not a part of this, so - I'd like to be.
I-I can be.
I want to be.
If you'll let me be.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
[KATE BUSH'S "THIS WOMAN'S WORK" PLAYS.]
Oh, oh [VOCALIZING.]
Pray God you can cope I stand outside This woman's work This woman's world Ooh, it's hard on the man Now his part is over I know you have a little life in you yet I know you have a lot of strength left I should be crying, but I just can't let it show I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking Of all the things I should have said That I never said All the things we should have done that we never did All the things I should have given but I didn't Oh, darling, make it go away Just make it go away [VOCALIZING.]
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- [TAPPING.]
CAMILLE: If we're gonna day-drink, we'd better get started.
- [SIGHS.]
- It's day.
How did you know I was here? Martin texted me.
I came as soon as I heard.
[SIGHS.]
Did you get a haircut? I came as soon as I heard and directly after my haircut.
Only because Andy's so hard to get in with and he probably would have charged me if I didn't show.
- Oh.
- I mean, I don't know for sure that he would have charged me, but I didn't want to risk it.
Plus, I was really ready for a change.
- Okay, Camille.
- And how are you? I mean [SIGHS.]
all things considered? Okay, just do me a favor and don't even front.
This could not suck any harder.
Come on, Camille.
Martin and I are gonna be fine.
Apple army in da house! You guys, I'm legit having a flashback - to my very first stomach pump.
- Ugh! Can we get our picture? - Want one.
- Okay.
Coachella weekend one called.
- They want their wristbands back.
- [LAUGHS.]
What are they even doing here? [SIGHS.]
What are we doing here? - - [BABIES CRYING.]
SUNSHINE: Okay, Dad.
Let's go over the home care sheet for Mom.
Actually, I think you should just go.
- What are you talking about? I - Let's just drop the charade, shall we? It's not gonna be "Mom and Dad.
" It's just gonna be Mom.
Lisa You didn't want to be in my life when I didn't have a baby, I think it best if we - I step out? I'm I'm stepping out.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll step out.
- [LISA SIGHS.]
- That's what she wants.
But you can't expect me to walk out of here and pretend this baby never happened.
And you might not want me around, but our daughter Annie.
Annie.
Well, Annie might feel differently.
I'ma go get an ice-pack for your butthole.
Hey, Dad! I've been a pediatric nurse for 17 years.
Check back tomorrow.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh.
Martin.
She okay? She's okay.
And the baby? Little girl.
Annie Apple.
And she's Mine.
- Right.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
How are you? Mm.
Bit shocked.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hmm? You know what would be nice? If we organized a meal train, for Lisa.
That way she doesn't have to worry about food when she gets home.
I mean, I would have loved that! Did they give you any sense of when she's gonna be discharged? - Lena.
No diapers.
- And I can pick up some diapers.
No meal train, okay? She doesn't want me to be a part of the baby's life.
I barely got to see her.
No, no, no, no.
No, she doesn't mean that.
She just gave birth.
She's reeling.
We just need to give her some time, she'll come around.
She's had nine months to come around - Martin, listen to me.
- Someday, Annie is gonna ask if her father wanted to be part of her life.
If he tried to know her.
And that answer needs to be yes.
She needs to know that you didn't do nothing.
So we're just supposed to sit here and do homework, pretend Mom and Dad aren't playing "Smash Bros" upstairs? Wait, Mom and Dad got "Super Smash Brothers"? Oh, oh, Mae.
Gross.
What's gross is them sneaking around and disrespecting the institution of divorce.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Think we should tell him? I'm not gonna be the one to emotionally scar Milo.
There's your Mommy Joshua.
You're right.
Let's make Mom do it.
MARTIN: Sunshine, yes, hi.
Uh, yeah.
I'm just I'm calling to check on the girls.
Just making sure everybody's good.
You know what? They're doing great.
They're actually being discharged tomorrow morning.
Lisa's up and around and anxious to get home.
That's great.
That's great.
Do you know what time? Maybe I could I could pick them up She made other arrangements, Martin.
I'm I'm sorry.
She's she's just not there yet.
But you said you've been a nurse for 17 years.
And in 17 years, I've never seen anyone less there yet.
What can I say? - - [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Thanks for coming with.
Oh, no problem.
I know how committed you are to scaling insurmountable objects.
Hey, hey, hey! Your dog! - Are-aren't you gonna call after him? - Nope.
Unlike you, I don't chase after everything that runs.
No, if that dog is ready to move on, I am prepared to let him go.
- Ah, he's got all the answers, folks! - [CHUCKLES.]
[MARTIN CHUCKLE.]
[SIGHS.]
So tell me now.
What do I do now, huh? Just make a decision you can live with, because you're the one that's gonna have to.
But I can't just force Lisa to let me be in Annie's life.
But I'm worried, you know, if I do nothing, I'll regret it.
Well, respecting Lisa's wishes isn't doing nothing.
It's doing what she asked you to do.
Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.
Oh, look who's back, and now our relationship continues.
You see that? Why? Because he wants it to.
I provide him with food, water, shelter, affection, but he still had to run all the way up to the top of that mountain to find out that none of those things are waiting for him up there.
Hmm.
You should write a book.
- Oh, come on! - [CHUCKLES.]
You don't read.
- - Ah, come on, boy.
- - [CRUNCHING.]
- Look how stunning Mom is.
- Yeah, - she's, like, luminous.
- Hmm.
Don't you think she should be out there, dating? Yeah.
She needs to love again.
Something other than those mini-cheese crackers.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
They are not wrong about the crackers.
Maybe we should set her up with Alan's dad.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
[CRUNCHING.]
Why are you kids talking about me like I'm not here? We just want more for you than processed cheese.
More? These crackers are really good.
Yeah, but Alan's dad is a divorced sculptor who looks like Nathan Fillion.
He's single.
You're single.
Right? - Right.
Mm-hmm.
Quite right.
All right.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Tell Alan I'm DTF.
- Oh.
- "Down to find out more about his dad.
" Just tell 'em to hit me on the hip.
- We don't get your references.
- Like, at all.
- They know.
- They totally know.
Aww.
Thanks for the hand-me-downs.
Jasper really had the cutest stuff.
"I'm kind of a big dill.
" [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Man, Jasper would blow this one out.
- Mmm.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do not move a pregnant muscle.
I got it.
Who are you? - Who are you? - Gene? - [GRUNTING.]
- So introductions are in order, huh, Gene? This is Frank, a.
k.
a.
Sugar Beard, a.
k.
a.
Country Music Face.
- And, Frank, this is - Gene.
I heard of you.
- Heard of you, too.
- Oh, yeah? - What have you heard? - Good stuff.
Some might say mighty good.
Heard that you're nice and that you're handsome.
Story checks out.
Well, that's rightly gracious of you.
And I would add that if we met under different circumstances, I could imagine us as friends or partners.
Business or pleasure? That'd be your call.
- Uh, what? What's going on here? - Well, you tell me.
I mean, I text you on the way home from my tourney, starving, ask you to order two tuna subs.
I get home? No subs.
No return text.
Now this? Um, Frank, I'm gonna speak to Gene, - uh, in private for for just a moment.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Do you have some kind of sensor that goes off when I'm experiencing joy? No, but that is a product I'd be interested in if the tech exists.
It does not.
What is this, Gene? You-you suddenly care what I'm doing? - Basically.
- Too little, too late.
Yeah.
That's right.
I am now with a guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
And this time, I'm gonna hold on tight.
'Cause you were kind of a [BLEEP.]
to me.
Yeah, I'm kind of a [BLEEP.]
That's what I bring to the table.
Look, I'm emotionally unavailable.
It's my mother's fault.
She didn't breastfeed.
No, don't blame your mother She could not get me to latch.
But then all these years later I finally did latch.
To you.
Ew.
Look, what I need to say right now, and then I'll walk out of your life forever, is that I love eating subs with you.
Go! You should do karate.
- Goodbye, Gene.
- Oh.
Secret husband, reporting for duty.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, Lena.
According to the book, you've got a good eight weeks before the baby can even see that you aren't there.
I need to say something.
And I need you to hear me and try to understand, okay? Okay.
I think we should respect Lisa's decision.
And by "we," I mean "you" because I've already decided to.
- But, Martin - No, Lena, hey.
- You have to trust me.
- No, you have to trust me.
Lisa is home right now with no one to help her.
She's recovering from surgery with a newborn, and you may not remember what that means, but I do.
She can't even stand up straight or fix a meal or take a shower And she has to wear those giant mesh underpants.
I remember.
But if she wants to do this alone, she has a right to.
Babe, you are kind and generous and full of empathy and quite possibly focusing on Lisa because it's easier than focusing on us right now, and I get that.
I truly do.
But this is not yours to fix.
This is.
And I'm just [SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that Annie's arrival into this world is causing you pain.
And I'm sorry that this is gonna be just so much more complicated than we anticipated.
I'm just [SIGHS.]
really, really sorry.
[SIGHS.]
[WHISPERING.]
I'm sorry, too.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
No one knows I'm here, and no one needs to know.
All I want to do is clean your bathroom, stock your fridge, do some laundry, and give you a chance to take a shower.
No questions asked.
Does that sound okay? [WEAKLY.]
Yeah.
Oh.
Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry.
- [GASPS.]
Thank you.
- Toast? There you are.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- So, um, is he a sensei? Who, Gene? No, he's a waiter.
But that trophy, it was Oh, yeah.
Probably for participation.
And the belt? Your leather cowboy belt is the only one I am interested in.
- [SIGHS.]
- - [MURMURS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [GIGGLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wait, did you [GASPS AND CHUCKLES.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- Really? Oh.
Oh, don't cry.
Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry.
What am I doing wrong? This boob is about to burst.
She's crying like she's hungry, but she won't nurse.
Well, if I were to guess, and, um, it's just a guess, she sounds a little congested.
Oh, my God! Right! Totally! Okay, I know this one.
Um, they gave me this mini turkey baster thing - [CRYING CONTINUES.]
- Sweetie Okay, unless you want to impregnate a hamster, that thing is useless.
This is what you want.
This is your new best friend.
"The Snot Sucker.
" It's Swedish.
Okay, so you just lodge it, and then you [SLURPS.]
suck it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- [CRYING CONTINUES.]
- [SLURPING.]
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Full tube.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Wow.
- That's amazing, but gross.
- [LAUGHS.]
Um, kind of satisfying.
Would you mind holding her? - I just I want to clean it.
- Yeah.
- - Okay.
[WHISPERING.]
Hi, baby.
Hey.
Do you think she's gonna eat? Oh, of course she will.
You're a genius.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERING.]
Can I? Oh, here.
Hi, baby.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay.
- [COOS.]
- Mm-hmm.
Ohh, ah, ah.
[WHISPERING.]
She's eating.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
When she's done, it's gonna be your turn.
I made you a veggie barley soup, which is great for milk production.
Why are you being so nice to me? Um because I am you? Or I was you.
I mean, not exactly you, but.
.
I've been there, iced that.
Also, I mean, I saw your support system at the hospital, and those guys are way more prepared for bottle service than bottle service.
Okay, come on.
You have to admit that was a good one.
[COOING.]
[WHISPERING.]
There you are.
See you tomorrow? See you tomorrow.
- Hey.
I was just calling you.
- Hey! I got paranoid that you changed your mind and ran away from me and all my baggage.
Quite the opposite! I was planning on making you - and all your baggage some pancakes.
- Oh, come here.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MARTIN SMOOCHES AND MOANS.]
Help! No! My eyes - Kissing! I saw them kissing! - Same.
Same.
I wasn't allowed in the Cowboy Saloon, but I could still see inside of it.
I knew you knew.
All right, who's gonna break it to Alan's dad? Break what? - They're getting back together, moron.
- Nuh-uh! Well, we were saving the exclusive for "Us Weekly," but, yep, Mom and I are a thing.
How long do you think it will last this time? [COUGH-WHISPERING.]
Monogamy's a myth.
I am just glad everything's out in the open.
You know, families are supposed to be honest with each other.
Right? Right.
Right.
-