SpongeBob SquarePants s01e14 Episode Script

Hall Monitor

Puff's boating school where diligent students learn the rules of the road.
PUFF: Everyone put down your books because it's time to pick out the hall monitor of the day! Let's see here.
This week's hall monitor will be Bart, Jimmy, no, no, Tina, Ralph, hmm ( gasps ) ( in quaking voice ): SpongeBob.
( chair squeaks ) It's Jimmy.
Jimmy's the hall monitor.
Puff, I've done it already.
( chair squeaks ) Oh-- Phil? No way, Mrs.
Uh, Tina-- you're the hall monitor.
Hey, I've done it three times already.
( chair squeaks ) B-Beth BOY: She graduated.
Henry! ( squeak ) Vera! ( squeak ) Clayton! ( chair squeaking repeatedly ) ( sighs ) All right, I guess I have no choice.
( gulps ) The hall monitor of the day is Oh SpongeBob.
Yahoo! Hall Monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty, ma'am.
I'm ready to assume my position in the hall.
I will protect all that are weak in the hall.
All rules will be enforced in the hall.
Okay! Just take the hat and belt.
I can't accept that yet, ma'am.
First I have to make my speech.
You can't make this easy, can you? Classmates! Who am I to deserve such a great honor? Why, I would be nothing without Mrs.
Give me a break.
And to my public, all I can say is I'm touched.
And furthermore I will carry out my duties crime and punishment, punishment and crime in the hall.
which reminds me of an extremely long speech written by the greatest hall monitor of all time.
"Friends, students, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ears.
" ( snoring ) in conclusion, and without a moment to spare I will put on this uniform and assume my duties as hall monitor! Wish me luck, Mrs.
Oh, and I will be ( bell rings ) SpongeBob, are you okay? I overdid the speech again, didn't I? I'm afraid so.
Aw, tartar sauce! I guess I won't be needing this.
I hardly knew ye.
Uh SpongeBob? Yes, Mrs.
Puff? I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.
Yahoo! Thanks, Mrs.
What are the consequences of what I've just done? ( shudders ) ( sighs ) ( humming ) hall ( humming ) monitor.
( humming ) ( horns honking ) Broken traffic light.
Who's to say my monitor duties should end just because the bell rang? I can be helpful anywhere.
This looks like a job for the hall monitor! ( blows whistle ) ( blowing whistle rhythmically ) What would this town do without you, SpongeBob? MAN: My legs! My legs! On patrol I'm on patrol Uh-oh, an open window.
More seaweed medley, dear? The fools.
They've left themselves susceptible to danger.
I must show them the error of their ways through example.
( SpongeBob screams ) I'm the open window maniac! ( both screaming ) I hope you learned a valuable lesson! On patrol I'm on patrol I'm on patrol ( gasps ) Vandals! Another crime.
( smacking his lips ) Hmm strawberry.
I must act.
Patrick Patrick! Patrick! My ice cream-- it's alive! ( screams ) Patrick, down here.
Oh, SpongeBob, it's you.
Patrick, come down here.
SpongeBob SpongeBob! I'm down here.
You look funny.
Hi, SpongeBob.
That's "hall monitor" to you.
Sorry, officer.
Sorry's not good enough, Patrick.
You've just committed a crime and I'm taking you in.
What crime? I'm a bad person.
( sobbing ) NEWSPAPER BOY ( in high voice ): Extra! Extra! Maniac strikes Bikini Bottom! City paralyzed with fear! ( in gruff voice ): Tell your friends.
Arm yourselves with knowledge.
Extra! Extra Hmm "maniac Bikini Bottom car wrecks break-in.
" Who better to bring this maniac to justice than me the hall monitor! But I can't handle this case alone.
Patrick, are you ready to give up your life of crime? I want to be good! Hmm now you just need a symbol of authority.
It is our duty to catch this maniac and bring him to justice.
But how to proceed? Listen, Deputy, you're an ex-criminal-- what would you do? Hmm I'd get an ice cream.
( both licking loudly ) Okay, now what? Hmm This isn't working.
We've got to do something else.
Something with walkie-talkies! ( squeals ) And now, duty calls.
All right, Deputy, I'll go that way, you go some different way.
Geronimo! ( imitates police siren ) ( police siren approaching ) ( tires squeal ) Afternoon, son.
Hello, brothers.
Son, we're looking for the maniac.
Have you seen this man? ( screams ) It's the maniac! Take him away, take him away.
Calm down, son, it's just a drawing, not the real thing.
Now we're going to show you this picture again and you'll tell us if you've seen this guy, understand? Yeah, uh-huh.
( screams ) Horrible! ( screams again ) ( stops and starts screaming repeatedly ) Stay indoors, son.
And take that cone off your head.
( both laughing ) ( laughing ): What was that? SpongeBob.
( over radio ): Come in, SpongeBob.
Answer! SpongeBob here, Patrick.
I don't want to be a policeman anymore.
I'm scared.
Get ahold of yourself, Deputy.
( Patrick sobbing ) I want to go home! Poor rookie.
All right, I'm on my way back.
Hurry, SpongeBob.
I think it's getting dark.
Just put on your siren, I'll be right there.
( imitating weak siren ) ( imitating loud siren ) SpongeBob, I see him.
Where is he, Patrick? At the intersection of Conch and Coral.
SPONGEBOB: That's where I am.
He's right on top of me, but I can't see him.
What's he doing? Uh he's just standing there menacingly! Get out of there, SpongeBob! Yaah! That's his maniac shriek.
He's going to attack.
( whining and sobbing ) He's acting all crazy.
Run! Hide behind that building.
No, he's behind that building.
Quick, hide behind that street sign.
No, wait! The maniac just went behind that sign.
Quick, get under the street light.
No! Wait! He's there, too! Run for your life! ( screaming ) ( sighs ) ( muffled radio transmission ) Say again, Deputy? The maniac's in the mailbox.
( screams ) ( screaming and babbling ) Huh-- this guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac.
Wait a minute, Patrick.
I'm the maniac.
( Patrick screams ) ( sirens wail ) We'll take that as a confession.
SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are! I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city! You should be ashamed of yourself.
You know this guy? Of course I do.
I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place.
He's my responsibility.
PUFF: And in conclusion, students, red means stop, green means go.
And SpongeBob Yes, Mrs.
Puff? I'd like to see you after class six months from now.
( door slams )