Sports Night (1998) s01e10 Episode Script

Shoe Money Tonight

Man: Studio "A, "|this is Master Control.
You're up on router 9 tonight.
Dave: Three minutes in,|four minutes live.
Kim: Dan, Casey,|to the studio, please.
Dan: I tell you to hit.
|What do you do?|Are you listening to me? You know, I don't understand|the insurance.
You don't have to understand|the insurance.
-- I just buy the insurance.
|-- Yes, you do.
When did you become the guy|who knows more than me|about blackjack? I've always been the guy|who knew more than you|about blackjack.
-- Always?|-- Yes.
-- Then why do you lose?|-- I never lose.
You always lose.
I hardly ever lose.
You hardly ever win.
Tonight's different.
Yeah, I had a hunch.
-- I'm in the zone.
|-- There's no zone.
-- There's a zone.
|-- There really isn't.
There is a very palpable|zone, my friend, and I am in it.
Dave: Two minutes in,|three minutes live.
Jeremy, check Natalie's|shot sheet in the 20s.
|She got something wrong.
You got something wrong? Yes, I did, wonder boy,|and after the show,|I'm gonna kill myself.
Why don't you go play|some tennis with your friends? How many times do you want me|to say, "I'm sorry"? It's gonna be|a few more times.
We're having a little thing.
I've been hearing about it|all day.
Teddy, it's a standing two.
Ask them|about their running game.
|Ask them about injuries.
She wanted to go|to the movies.
I really have been hearing|about it all day.
Dana,|can I see you out here? Yeah.
What's going on? I'm shrinking.
-- But that's not|what I came to tell you.
|-- You're shrinking? Manny measured me|for a new suit an hour ago.
|Turns out I'm shrinking.
Where? -- You want to listen to me,|or you want to tell|your funny jokes?|-- I can do both.
Peter Lasker|and Paul Schapp are -- -- Oh, you're kidding.
|-- It's snowing in Pittsburgh.
-- Dan and Casey|are going to Atlantic City.
|-- Not tonight.
Paul and Peter|are stuck at the airport? They've been sitting|on the tarmac.
Casey and Dan are gonna be|pretty mad, lsaac.
You better get in there|and tell them.
I've decided to let you do it.
Really? -- I'm delegating.
|-- Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Paul and Peter are on|a tarmac in Pittsburgh.
-- 90 seconds live.
|-- Stand by, VTR.
-- Paul and Peter|aren't gonna make it?|-- It's snowing.
The guys think they're going|to Atlantic City.
-- Not tonight.
|-- Who's gonna tell them? Roll VTR.
-- I say, "Double down.
"|What do you do?|-- Can we stop? -- I say, "Double down.
"|What do you do?|-- How do you know|you're in the zone? Cut me.
-- Danny, I --|-- Cut the cards.
Dude, you are in the zone.
-- I say, "Double down.
"|-- Double my ass down.
Fellas,|I've got some bad news.
There's no bad news tonight,|Natalie.
When the show comes down, Danny and l|are hopping in a limo, heading down|the Garden State Parkway, and getting off at the exit|clearly marked "The Zone.
" That's great, Casey,|but all those things|you just said -- -- Yeah?|-- not gonna happen.
Show her the card thing.
Paul and Peter|are trapped in an airport.
It's snowing in Pittsburgh.
|You gotta stay and do|the "West Coast Update.
" Look, I know you guys|had your heart set on|going to Atlantic City and that this|isn't the first time|that this has happened -- -- Natalie|-- Yeah? It's no problem.
-- It's no problem?|-- It's no problem.
-- You're kidding.
|-- Life's like that|sometimes, Natalie.
-- You can't control|the weather.
|-- So you shouldn't worry|about it.
-- We all work|for the same network.
|-- We're happy to help out.
I have to say|I'm really impressed with the maturity you two are|exhibiting right now.
-- Part of the job.
|-- Have a good show.
Bites! It bites hard.
Oh, this bites.
Dave: In 32 Good evening.
From New York City,|I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories,|plus a Ryder Cup preview|and a trip to the Big Sombrero.
We'll run down|how the top draft picks|are faring in the big time, and we'll run up the flag|at Greensboro.
All that|coming up after this.
You're watching "Sports Night"|on CSC, so stick around.
We're out.
Anyway, l-I really appreciate the two of you sticking around|and filling in.
-- It's no problem.
|-- Oh, please.
You think I want to be stuck|doing "The 2:00 A.
"? -- This is just a temp gig.
|-- Temp gig? -- A temporary gig.
|-- Thanks.
My stuff's out there.
|I talk to a lot of people.
Just so long as none of them|are talking back.
|-- Danny Well, like she's listening|to anybody but herself.
-- Even CNN.
|-- No kidding.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, Sally, we're sort of in the middle of a -- what do you call it? -- a national television show.
But we do good work|on "The 2:00 A.
" Sally, we're back in 30,|and you're in our shot.
-- I have a keen dislike|for that woman.
|-- She's perfectly nice.
She is not perfectly nice, and I'd appreciate|a little backup here.
Can we have a bond|over this, please? Fine.
I'll stop thinking|Sally is nice if you'll stop thinking|Jeremy is right.
I never said he was right.
-- Hey, I'm sitting|right here.
|-- Stay quiet!|-- Thank you! Sally, camera 2 has got|your butt pretty well framed, so if you wouldn't mind|stepping out of the shot Thank you.
And be sure|Casey sees your cleavage|as you walk out.
There you go.
In 32 That's all for us,|but don't shed a tear 'cause Casey and I will be back|at 2:00 A.
on this coast,|1 1 :00 P.
on the left, subbing in for Peter Lasker|and Paul Schapp on|the "West Coast Update.
" So don't adjust that dial, and while we're gone,|if any talking animals ask you to buy|some tacos or beer, for God's sake,|do what they tell you.
-- You've been watching|"Sports Night" on CSC.
|Have a good night.
|-- Good night, Mom.
We're out.
[ Clears throat ]|You know, it occurs to me -- we have some time|to kill.
|-- Yes.
-- And a deck of cards.
|-- Yes! We've been to the A.
Some people around here with|a little too much change|in their pockets.
-- We gotta lighten these|folks up a little bit.
|-- Take 'em off their coin.
You know what they say.
-- About what?|-- About money won.
-- What do they say?|-- I don't know.
|I'm asking.
They say it's twice as sweet|as money earned.
How come you said,|"What do they say?" It was an alley-oop pass.
|I was dishing you the ball.
You were.
|And I completely missed it.
Well, I was there|for the putback.
I wouldn't have been able|to do anything with it anyway.
-- That's right.
|-- 'Cause I didn't know|the expression.
Not only that, but it was,|like, half an hour ago, and we're still talking|about it.
You're not in the zone|anymore, are you? -- Not in the zone.
|-- Lost the zone.
I'm down here|with the rest of you.
Let's play cards.
|Come on! Hey, lsaac, you in here? Whoa! I can barely see you|down there.
Pretty funny|coming from someone I can fire|any time I like.
I downloaded some stuff|on osteoporosis.
-- Dana, this is no joke.
|-- I know.
And the good news is|it says here that osteoporosis|isn't an inevitable part|of aging as once was thought.
In fact, if you haven't reached|menopause yet -- [ Gasps ] -- No, wait.
Hold on.
|-- Thank you very much.
Either of you interested|in participating|in the sport of kings? -- We're gonna race horses?|-- We're gonna play poker.
-- That's not|the sport of kings.
|-- What's the sport of kings? -- Racing horses.
|-- What's poker the sport of? It's the sport|of people who play poker.
-- Thank you.
|-- Isaac's shrinking.
Oh, yeah, Dana,|I forgot to ask you --|please, spread that around.
What do you say?|We got nothing to do|for two hours.
$10 minimum, 3-raise limit? -- Whatever.
|-- Shoe money tonight! -- Whatever.
Isaac?|-- I'll play a couple hands.
Isaac, I'm gonna bring along|this material on shrinking|and read it aloud as we play unless you think|that's gonna distract you.
No, I just want to make sure|you've got time to put your résumé together|and clean out your desk.
He's nuts about me.
It was one night.
|It was tennis.
It was the only night we had|the same night off together for, like, two weeks.
We're together|every night anyway.
At midnight! We go back to my place|or we go back to your place.
We have a lot of sex.
We watch|"The 2:00 A.
" We go to sleep.
|We come to work.
What kind of a relationship|is that? It's working out|pretty well for me.
It was a joke!|I made a joke!|I like to make you laugh.
Why? Because I like you|very much.
Jeremy, it wasn't|the greatest joke|I've ever heard.
I never said I was opening|for Jack Benny.
-- You meant Henny Youngman.
|-- I meant Jack Benny.
Jack Benny plays the clarinet.
Jack Benny plays the violin.
|For that matter, so does|Henny Youngman.
But you're thinking|of Benny Goodman.
Do you really always|have to be right? -- No.
|-- Then why|are you still talking? -- 'Cause I am right.
|-- Could have guessed.
Hey, if we're gonna fight,|can it not be|about Henny Youngman? We're not fighting|about Henny Youngman.
We're fighting|because instead of going|to the movies with me, -- you decided to play tennis|with Judy Rootie-tootie.
|-- You guys getting all this? You know someone|named Judy Rootie-tootie? -- Judy Reston-Taylor.
|-- The actress? -- We went to school together.
|-- I hear she's great|in that new thing.
-- Thank you, Siskel & Ebert!|-- Natalie! Hey, we're playing poker|in the conference room.
|You guys in? Natalie and I can't play.
It's important|we spend these precious|moments together.
Oh, there'll be|no precious moments|tonight, darling.
-- You know what I mean?|-- I think I do.
-- No precious moments|of any kind.
|-- I understand.
If, however,|your arrogance extends to thinking you're|a better poker player|than I am, you are welcome to join me|at the card table so that I can wipe|that smug smile|off your face and teach you a lesson|you so richly deserve.
Natalie, do you even know|how to play poker? The guys at Sigma Kappa Pi Iet me play|in their poker game|any time I wanted.
Now, why do you suppose|that was? 'Cause you're a knockout|and your parents are loaded? 'Cause I got game, baby.
Have you fallen on your head? Or are you just afraid|I might humiliate you and you won't be able to go|to Sundance with Judy the ho? I tell you, Casey,|it appears some time|has freed up in my schedule, and I just might|be able to play cards|with you after all.
Rack 'em up, Casey.
That's pool,|you mental patient! -- It's gonna be a fun night.
|-- Oh, yeah.
|-- Oh, yeah.
I can't believe|how not in the zone I am.
It's really pretty startling|how little time it takes to go from being in the zone|to being not in the zone.
Tell them about the time|I was in the zone.
There was a time|he was in the zone.
-- Beautiful.
|-- Yes, it was,|but you know what? -- What?|-- That's yesterday's news.
|You're what was.
Look at your cards|and make a bet.
-- Fold.
|-- Call.
Shoe money tonight! -- Would you stop that?|-- lsaac's a little cranky.
It seems when he was|growing up, he didn't get|enough calcium and vitamin D.
Aces bet.
-- Natalie|-- $10.
Don't you think you owe me|enough money? I was taught to play poker|by the boys of Sigma Kappa Pi.
I'm doin' fine.
Natalie, you owe me,|like, $700,000.
I'm basically your landlord|at this point.
Stop playing! Jealous of the frat boys? There are times you're|not that easy to love.
How are my guys? Us? We are putting together|a great show for you guys.
-- Good.
|-- Well, "great" is relative.
|It's just "The 2:00 A.
" On your show, though, man,|I could really do my thing --|I mean let it fly! Sally, can I talk to you|a second? -- Guess there's only one|Dana Whitaker, though.
|-- Sally.
I have a hunch|Dana's about to make|that point right now.
Pair of kings.
-- Trip aces.
|-- Ahh.
Straight to the jack.
-- Can I say something?|-- Sure.
Of my entire roster|of boyfriends, and it is, believe me,|quite the lengthy list, you are my least favorite.
Hey, I'm just happy|to be on the team.
On segments|10, 12, and13 -- I really don't want to get|into a little thing with you.
No, you really don't.
|On segments 10, 12, and 13 -- No, l-I'm just saying|"The 2:00 A.
" is my show.
-- And you do a good job.
|-- Yeah, I'm not staying|there forever, Dana.
I have got people talking|to me -- MSNBC -- Sally, I don't really care|that much about your life.
Well, look|who's the belle of the ball.
On segments 10, 12,|and 13 -- -- What about them?|-- Casey's not gonna want|to do it this way.
He likes to break up|the highlights with|features or remotes.
-- Casey approves|your rundowns?|-- No, but that's me.
We've been working together|a really long time.
It's like a marriage.
|He trusts me.
With you -- and I hope|you don't take this|personally -- with you, he's gonna want|to approve the rundown.
-- He already approved it.
|-- N-- he approved it? -- He said it was fine.
|-- He said it was fine? Well, he didn't really|look at it, but he said,|"Hey, you're the producer.
|Whatever you think is best.
" -- Huh.
He said that?|-- Yeah.
|[ Chuckles ] Can I -- do y--|can I ask --|did he say it like, [ Nonchalantly ]|"Hey, you're the producer.
|Whatever you think is best" or did he say it like,|"You're the producer.
|Whatever you think is best.
"lt doesn't really matter|since I know Dana's gonna look over|the rundown and take care|of it anyway"? The first one.
[ Laughing ]|Oh, interesting.
You've got a little thing|for Casey, don't you? I can't tell you|how little a thing|I don't have.
It's okay.
|He's very cute.
Recently divorced,|makes a ton of money, and|I'm sure he's got good contacts.
You know,|I don't mind telling you|I could really go for him.
We don't even need|to have a relationship --|just the sex and the contacts.
My friendship with you is|the important thing, Dana.
I-I really mean that,|and I don't want|anything to get -- Oh, Sally, I can tell|you're starting to open|up to me a little, and I think that's great,|but I'm pretty much done|talking with you right now.
-- We'll have drinks?|-- Absolutely.
-- See ya.
|-- Okay.
Jacks and 4's.
Trip 5's.
[ Sighs ] I know why you're beating me|so much.
It's 'cause you're not|a very good poker player.
-- That's not why.
|-- It really is.
Or isn't it just possible|that you're sitting|in the good chair?! No.
What is possible|is that the boys|from Sigma Kappa Pi are a big honking bunch|of losers! -- What did I miss?|-- Natalie's pretty much|divested herself of|possessions.
I'm mounting a comeback.
Isaac --|did somebody step on lsaac? Oh, no, there you are.
-- You still work here?|-- I'll never leave you,|little buddy! -- Casey|-- Yep? Ow! Can I talk to you outside|for a second? Yes.
-- You approved|Sally's rundown?|-- Yeah.
-- You approved it?|-- Yes.
-- Just like that,|it was approved?|-- Well, I didn't hold|confirmation hearings.
No, you just approved it|without even looking at it.
-- I never need to approve|your rundowns.
|-- That's right.
-- I have done|something wrong, but|for the life of me --|-- Casey -- We're about to have|a little talk, aren't we?|-- Oh, yes.
Isn't osteoporosis|pretty common? Very common, especially|among Caucasian women.
-- Bummer.
|-- Yes.
What are you gonna do|with your old suits? -- I was thinking about|shoving them up your --|-- No problem.
I'm taking a break|if anyone wants my seat.
It's the good chair.
I'm just gonna run|to the bathroom.
You want to come with me|to the bathroom, Dan? Why, no, Jeremy, I don't.
You don't want to step|outside with me and talk on our way|to the bathroom? Sure.
We're just stepping out|and going to the bathroom.
I didn't really have to go|to the bathroom.
-- Really?|-- I just wanted to talk.
I don't think anyone saw|through your clever ruse.
-- I am in the doghouse|with Natalie.
|-- Come in my office.
It's a new relationship.
|Clearly I've broken some rule|that no one ever taught me.
-- You played tennis|with your friends instead|of going out with her?|-- Right.
-- And one of those|friends happened to be|a beautiful actress?|-- Yes.
-- Dude.
|-- I know.
-- You're very wise to come|to me with this problem.
|-- Thank you.
-- Natalie is angry|because she doesn't understand|a fundamental principle.
|-- What's that? -- The principle?|-- Yeah.
A man's past is more important|to him than his future.
-- You understand?|-- No.
-- Neither do women.
|-- I know how they feel.
You have to stand firm|on this, Jeremy.
Sooner or later she's|gonna realize she's wrong, and when she does,|you have to stand firm.
You can't|forgive her right away.
|She needs a little punishment.
-- What kind of punishment?|-- I'd withhold sex.
You would?|That sounds like it would be way worse for me|than it would for her.
Education isn't easy.
-- You don't have any idea|what you're talking about,|do you?|-- On this, no.
-- Part of what you said|is true.
|-- Really? I have to stand firm --|not to establish an upper hand|but to establish equality.
-- Exactly.
|-- We'll have an argument, and she will take a position|that absolutely defies logic.
Now, I have a pretty|healthy respect for logic, but then all she has to do|is put on one of my shirts.
-- The shirt.
|-- She'll grab a white|dress shirt from my closet.
-- You're cooked.
That's it.
|-- It's over.
-- Like bishop|to queen's rook 7.
|-- Keep going.
My chess team|is playing Lakeland.
I start my match|king's pawn 3, king's pawn 3, bam, bam, bam.
|All of a sudden, the guy moves|bishop to queen's rook 7.
I lost 32 moves later,|but I was never even in it.
And that relates to Natalie|wearing your shirt how? I have to stand firm.
|Thank you.
I have worked very hard|over the years to learn what you like|and what you don't like, what works for you|and what doesn't, and it's very discouraging|to learn it turns out you've been taking it|for granted.
-- I haven't been taking it|for granted.
|-- You've been taking it|for granted.
You think Sally and I operate|at the same level, and since you don't approve|my rundowns, well, then, there's no reason|to approve hers.
Sally -- you know, Sally?|Do you understand|what I'm talking about? -- Sally.
|-- Yes.
Let me try this.
|You are so good at your job|and Sally is so not that much that the actual dichotomy -- -- the phenomenal --|-- You're pathetic!|You know that? I didn't want to bring this up,|but it seems to me -- and I'm just speaking|as a friend -- it seems to me|that your jealousy of Sally doesn't have|quite as much to do|with her professional acumen as you would lead us|to believe.
Whoa, there, Huckleberry.
|Come on back to the stable.
First of all, Sally doesn't|have any professional acumen, and second of all,|what the hell are|you talking about? I'm just saying that|it's hard not to notice that the woman's body|was put together by a technician|very close to God.
A technician close to God? Not God himself,|but certainly a high-level staff person --|a senior V.
Well, her brain|was put together by the assistant night guy|at the 7-Eleven.
Well, maybe so, but I think|the source of your problem -- -- Is her body?!|-- Her legs do go|all the way down to the floor, and she's gonna be|whispering in my ear for 30 minutes.
Well, one of the things|she's gonna be whispering is, "Stand by, 14,"|which will be your third straight highlight|without a break for a feature.
She's got cameras 2 and 3|as your primaries,|Dan's doing the soccer, andtwo of your intros|contain puns.
-- Puns?|-- Puns.
-- There are puns? Puns.
|-- Yes.
Bad ones.
-- Is there such a thing|as a good one?|-- No.
And you're not gonna do|anything about this? Well, sorry, pal.
|"The 2:00 A.
's" not my table.
-- Help me out.
|-- I'm gonna go play poker.
You're gonna go play cards|while I'm doing puns|on camera 3? It's time to kick back.
Sally! Last card.
Who's still alive? Isaac, Natalie, and Jeremy.
-- You give Casey|a talking to?|-- Yes, I did.
He didn't really|mean anything, Dana.
-- I'm sure he deserved it!|-- Thank you.
-- How you doin', Jeremy?|-- I can't complain -- -- Shut up.
|-- Thank you.
Jeremy, ace bets.
[ Chips clatter ] -- Raise $50.
|-- Natalie And then there were two.
-- I've raised you $50.
|-- Natalie, listen to me.
You've lost a lot of money|to me tonight.
You're basically gonna be|living the rest of your life on a charitable grant from|the Jeremy Goodwin foundation.
Take the 100 bucks back|and fold.
Scared? I've got a straight.
|You've got three 7's.
-- You don't have a straight.
|-- Look at me.
I'm not lying to you.
|I have a straight.
How do you know|I don't have a big house? A full house.
|Dan already folded|the 6 you needed, and I have the other one.
You don't have|a house of any sort.
|You don't have a pup tent.
You've got trip 7's,|and I have a straight.
I want you to trust me|right now.
I want you to say to|yourself, "Yeah, I've dated|a string of jerks in my life.
"They were stupid,|they were mean to me,|but maybe this one's different.
"Maybe I should take|a chance and not adopt the|'Break up with him before|he breaks my heart' strategy.
" I want you to remember that|when I started liking you, I didn't stop liking tennis, and I want you to|know that I don't think|there's a woman in the world that you need|to be threatened by, no matter how glamorous|you think she is.
But mostly I want you|to trust me just once when I tell you|that you have three 7's and I have a straight.
You're bluffing so hard|it's coming out your ears.
Three 7's.
and guess what -- 5.
That was cool.
-- I don't deserve you.
|-- No, you really don't.
I'm sorry.
-- I don't think you are.
|-- No, I really am.
This is gonna take some time.
Maybe you could take me|back to your apartment and I can accelerate|the healing process.
No, I don't think so, Natalie.
|I don't think you should be|rewarded for your behavior.
Stand tough there, Jeremy.
-- What are you doing?|-- He's my boy.
-- You're his boy?|-- Yeah, but it's okay.
Natalie, I think it's best|if we spend tonight apart.
You're probably right.
I've got no clothes|at your place anyway, so I'd just end up|having to wear|one of your shirts, and I know how much|you hate that.
I was never even in it.
Natalie:|Good night, everybody.
-- Good night.
|-- Where are you guys going? -- White dress shirt.
|-- Got it.
Jeremy: Have a good show!|-- We're not gonna have|a good show.
We're gonna have|a terrible show.
Dana, you've either|got to stand over|that woman's shoulder or you have to call everyone|in the Pacific time zone and tell them|I'm not really like this.
Oh, the thing is|Jeremy's gone now,|the cards are still hot, and I'm feeling like I might|be just a little somewhere|in the vicinity of the zone, -- and you know|what that means?|-- Please don't say it.
Shoe money tonight! Dana please? Kim, bring me a copy|of "The 2:00 A.
" rundown.
Will, get me shot sheets|for the West Coast hockey.
Elliott, look at V.
s|in the early 20s and take out all the puns.
an ace for my sexy boss.
Somebody take her money.
No chance, stretch.
Jack of diamonds, Aces bet.
[ Rock music plays ]