Sports Night (1998) s01e16 Episode Script


[ Slow instrumental music|plays ] Is it me, or is this|an incredibly slow news day? It's very slow.
It's excruciatingly slow.
Yet here we are.
Here we be.
Waiting for|the news to happen.
Waiting for|the games to start.
What time does the first|game start, Elliott? In seven hours.
-- Was it your favorite?|-- The shirt? Was it your favorite shirt? I don't have|a favorite shirt.
-- The white J.
|-- That's not|my favorite shirt.
The white J.
Press|isn't your favorite shirt? -- No.
|-- What's your favorite shirt? I don't have|a favorite shirt.
What shirt are you missing? -- The white J.
|-- Your favorite.
-- Shut up.
|-- How did you lose it? -- I didn't lose it.
|-- Then how come|you can't you find it? I didn't say I couldn't find it.
|I said I didn't have it.
-- Wait|-- Dan -- Wait|-- Leave it alone.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
-- Danny|-- You had sex with a woman.
-- No.
|-- Yes.
-- No.
|-- You did.
I didn't.
You went to|a woman's apartment, and there you had wine,|and there you had sex.
You are way off base.
|That is not what happened, exceptyes,|that's what happened.
Casey Fine.
I'm so proud of you.
I've never liked you|at all.
You've got that|rosy glow about you.
Jeremy:|So here's the thing.
Natalie's invited me|to spend Easter at her|parents' house in Ohio.
It would be three days|and two nights that|would include various family and|holiday-oriented events such as|dinners and trips to church.
NowI'm Jewish.
No kidding? Right|and I need some guidance 'cause I don't mind telling|you, I'm feeling just a little|anxious about this.
Number one -- is it too|early in our relationship for me to be spending|three days at her parents'? I mean, it's not like I'm|Pacino going back to Corleone and bringing gifts to|Appolonia's family.
And number two --|I'm Jewish.
And her family is, you know,|incredibly not.
Which isn't, by the way,|any sort of a problem for me, but I do think it might be|a problem for them, because, after all, there are|those who think I killed|their lord, Jesus Christ.
Not me directly, mind you.
|I didn't drive the|getaway car or anything.
In fact, my family's|from Latvia, so we've got|a pretty solid alibi, but anyway, lsaac,|what do you think? -- Oh, my God, were you|talking to me all that time?|-- You want me to start again? Yeah, but first, could you just|hit me over the head with that|blunt instrument over there? Jeremy, is there|any news to report? On what? On the news.
Is there any news to report? Sports, the news, your job -- I'm saying, is there|any news to report? I gotta tell you,|there really isn't.
Isaac's got a lot|of work to do.
How 'bout we talk|about it later? Excellent.
You must be getting tired|of hearing everybody's|personal problems.
-- Just a little.
|-- It's an office, after all.
That's right.
You're our boss,|not our bartender.
We shouldn't be leaning|on you like this.
Just so long as we're|professional.
Gordon stood me up|last night.
-- You were supposed to|go out?|-- We were supposed to go out.
Is that all you have to say? I'm surprised I could|muster up that much.
We were gonna go to|dinner and a late show|at Rainbow and Stars, but he had to work late, which -- look, I'm not gonna|be one of those women.
He has an important job,|which he loves.
He had to work late.
When I was 1 1, I had|a pet fish that died.
And what does that have to do|with Gordon standing me up? Nothing.
I thought|you were finished.
Isaac Dana, go do your show.
[ Knock on door ] Hey.
[ lmitating Casey ]|Hey.
How was last night? Great, it was great.
Dinner at Rainbow and Stars,|dessert at Cafe Luxembourg, then we stayed up all night|and we laughed.
What was that about? There's nothing like|Tuesdays at noon.
No news -- nothing to|keep your minds busy.
Everybody coming in here|with their personal problems? As if I -- I had sex last week|for the first time|since Lisa and I split up.
It was with a woman|I hardly know.
I'm feeling kind of|conflicted about it For many reasons, I suppose,|not the least of which is I obviously have to|confront some unresolved|feelings for Dana.
[ Sighs ] Plus, I really miss my shirt.
Keep talking.
I'm just gonna start|drinking now.
[ Slow instrumental music|plays ] Natalie: Aren't we supposed to|be featuring the box-and-one?|-- Yes.
Well, we can probably find|a better example of|a box-and-one.
-- Why?|-- 'Cause this isn't|the box-and-one.
What's Jeremy|doing out there? He's making eggnog.
-- He's making eggnog?|-- lsn't he sweet? Why is he making eggnog? 'Cause he hates it.
He doesn't like eggnog.
It makes him sick.
Does he know that no one|drinks eggnog at Easter? He thinks we do.
You don't want to set|him straight? He's just getting|the hang of it.
Let's talk about work.
All right, the box-and-one,|especially if we're talking|about North Carolina -- Everything's good now.
-- I'm sorry?|-- Everything's good.
-- With Gordon.
|-- Yes.
-- Excellent.
|-- [ Chuckles ] The ski weekend was good.
-- Good.
|-- That was all I had to say.
The North Carolina|has two -- I meant that it was right.
The ski weekend.
It was the right thing to do.
Two people talk.
|They straighten things out.
-- So everything's good.
|-- It is.
|North Carolina -- it's better than good.
-- I'd have settled for good.
|-- This is better.
-- Good.
|-- North Carolina.
-- Yes.
The box-and-one --|-- Here's the thing -- -- Dana|-- It's just this one thing.
-- What?|-- It's this -- -- and I preface this|by saying|-- That everything's good.
-- that everything's|very good.
|-- But here's the thing.
He stood me up last night.
-- Yes.
|-- Why? Well, he said|he had to work late.
Maybe he had to work late.
I'm sure he had to work late.
|Gordon doesn't lie.
And he wouldn't lie to me.
|And, plus, he oftentimes|has to work late.
SoI am just|a ridiculous person.
[ Laughs ] You want to talk about it? No.
No, I want to work.
When North Carolina throws|a box-and-one up against -- My instinct is to call him.
-- Don't.
|-- I know.
-- Repel that instinct.
|-- I'm trying.
-- Dana?|-- Yeah? -- You don't want to be|that kind of woman.
|-- I don't.
You don't want to|make that call.
-- It's not attractive.
|-- It's not attractive.
It's not attractive,|and I'll tell you what|else -- it is no fun.
-- That's right.
|-- "Were you really|working last night, or can I just turn you off a|little more by being insane?" You don't want to be that.
[ Laughing ]|I really don't.
That's right.
And yet it seems I am.
Yes, indeed.
I am that woman.
But you can grow.
-- That's right.
|-- You can grow.
I can grow.
|I'm ripe for growth.
-- I'm nothing|if not potential.
|-- Yes.
But I don't think it's|gonna happen today.
-- You're gonna call him?|-- I wouldn't put it past me.
I don't think you|should call him.
I don't, either.
Things are good.
Very, very good.
It wouldn't be attractive.
-- No!|-- It won't be endearing.
-- That's right.
|-- It's a bad idea.
Yet here I go.
[ Dialing ] [ Slurping ] How exactly did the shirt|get left behind? We don't really have to|talk about this, do we? -- I think we do.
|-- Yeah? -- I think it's good for you.
|-- Thanks.
-- How did the shirt|get left behind?|-- I spilled wine.
-- She offered to throw it|in the laundry.
|-- I told her|not to go to any trouble.
-- "Oh, it's no trouble.
"|-- But then morning|comes around -- And you don't feel like|sticking around for the shirt|to get out of the drier.
So I put my jacket on|over my T-shirt -- Slink on home.
|-- I didn't slink.
-- What time was it?|-- It was about 6:00 A.
-- It was just getting|light outside?|-- Yeah.
-- Jacket over the T-shirt?|-- Like I said.
-- You slinked.
|-- Danny You slinked, my young friend.
And I've never felt closer|to you in my entire life.
Dana: I'll tell you|why I-I called, and this is gonna|sound silly.
Abort, Dana.
There was no reason|for this call.
[ Laughs ] There was absolutely|no reason.
This is a call in the middle|of the day to say hello [ Chuckles ] 'cause|that's the cut of my jib.
Would you please? That would be great.
That would be|really good.
[ Whispering ]|This is really good.
That's really good.
|I'll see you later.
[ Chuckles ] Goodbye.
[ Receiver hangs up ] He's coming by tonight|for the show, then we're gonna go out.
The tone in his voice --|uh! -- his tone of voice -- it was all I needed to hear.
I could tell right away.
-- I'm glad.
|-- [ Laughing ] You see|what I'm talking about? -- Communication|-- Yes.
-- between two people.
|-- Yes.
"The cut of my jib" --|I've never said that before.
-- It sounded good.
|-- [ Chuckling ] Jeremy's still at it|with the eggnog? He badly wants to be|accepted by my parents.
-- Yes.
|-- Come to think of it,|so do l.
Look, an editing machine --|we can work.
His tone of voice -- You guys will have|a great time tonight.
Things are very good|right now.
That's right.
I was feeling strange,|and now I'm not feeling|strange anymore.
North Carolina.
I still feel strange.
-- I know.
|-- Why do I feel strange? -- I have a theory.
|-- You have a theory|about this? I have a theory about why|you're feeling strange.
I know you do,|but I choose not to hear it.
Well, life's not quite|like that, is it, though? -- No, it's not.
|-- Here's my theory -- -- Yes?|-- You don't like Gordon.
Well, that's an interesting|theory, and you'd be|completely right except for the fact|that you're totally wrong.
Dana Natalie This is you and me talking,|Dana.
I'm not other people.
This is our little|coven of women.
"Coven" is|a group of witches.
I thought a coven|was just a group.
It's a group of witches.
All right, then this is|our little something else.
And also because a coven|is more than two.
-- A coven is more than two?|-- Yes.
-- Are you sure?|-- Yes.
-- Are you absolutely sure?|-- Yes.
Then, thank you,|William Safire.
I'm just saying, if you're|gonna misuse a word, -- you should do it properly.
|-- You don't like Gordon.
Listen, that's not true.
It is true,|and you happen to be the only one|who doesn't know it.
I like Gordon a lot.
I love Gordon.
|I'm telling you -- And I'm telling you that|when you use that word|in a romantic context, you have absolutely no idea|what you're talking about.
Well, now [ Sighs ] The box-and-one.
[ Sighs ] That was a lousy thing|to say about Gordon.
I didn't say it about Gordon.
|I said it about you.
Let's work.
That'd be fine.
[ Sighs ] I'm calling him again.
To hear his tone of voice? -- That's right.
|-- lmagine my surprise.
I'd like some privacy.
-- I'll go get some Fritos.
|-- Thank you.
-- Would you like any Fritos?|-- No, I'm fine.
I'll be the judge of that.
Apparently you will be.
This is one of those moments I'm compelled to tell you|how wonderful you are.
Every once in a while,|I'm reminded how lucky I am to be dating|a solid, mature man.
Jeremy, swallow the eggnog.
I just can't.
Anybody remember Salanio|and Salerio? -- Yes.
|-- Chris? Salanio and Salerio? -- From "The Merchant|of Venice.
"|-- Yes.
-- "Yes" you remember them?|-- Yes.
-- Elliott?|-- What? She wants to know|if you remember them.
I don't believe I do.
They brought news -- news of Antonio and his ship and the state of|Shylock's loan to Bassanio.
They helped to keep|the audience up to date.
The Venticelli,|they were called --|the little winds.
Man, this is about as bored|as I have ever been in my life.
Jeremy, good Jeremy,|what ho? -- "What ho?"|-- What news, Jeremy? Why is she|speaking like this? She thinks she's|Sacco and Vanzetti.
Salanio and Salerio.
The little winds.
-- The Venticelli.
All rightwell, Dana's having|second thoughts about Gordon.
Dana thinks it's because Gordon|stood her up last night under|suspicious circumstances, but Natalie thinks it's because|Dana really likes Casey.
Casey's a little out of sorts|because sometime last week, he|spent the night with someone.
Casey thinks it's because|it was too soon after his|marriage broke up, but Dan thinks it's because|Casey's in love with Dana.
That's pretty much it.
Would it be wrong|for you guys just to|make up a news story? It would be|fundamentally wrong.
Can any of you tell me anything|about the host wafer? [ Rattles ] -- So you made her breakfast?|-- No.
-- You didn't|make her breakfast?|-- I just left.
-- 'Cause you|were uncomfortable.
|-- Yeah.
-- Something wasn't right.
|-- Yes.
You could have fried|her an egg, dude.
Danny Haven't you noticed|there's a question|I haven't asked you yet? Yes.
I haven't asked you|who it was.
No, you haven't.
I haven't asked you her name.
I appreciate it.
Do you know why|I haven't asked? It was, like,|a week ago, Danny.
|Uh, can we drop it? I haven't asked, because|that's not what men do.
-- And it's really not.
|-- We don't ask.
We don't tell.
We don't do|a lot of things that|women think we do.
-- That's what makes us men.
|-- Was it Victoria? -- Who's Victoria?|-- From your building.
-- That's Leslie.
|-- Was it Leslie? I'm not gonna|tell you her name.
We can do this the hard way,|or we can do this the easy way.
What's the hard way? I don't know, but the easy way|is you telling me her name.
Danny -- What's the big deal?|-- It's not a big deal.
That's why I'm not|gonna tell you her name.
Just whisper it in my ear,|come on.
Oh, you know that's|not gonna happen.
If it's easier,|you could write it down|on a piece of paper.
Why would that be easier? Maybe the name's|difficult to pronounce.
The name's not difficult|to pronounce.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Can I ask you a question? Is it about|the box-and-one? -- Yes.
|-- Sure.
Do you think Casey's|been seeing Sally? -- No.
|-- You don't? -- No.
|-- You don't think|he's been seeing Sally? -- No.
|-- Just like that? What do you mean? I mean it seems|like you didn't have to|think about it at all.
-- You didn't have|to consider it.
|-- I didn't.
-- Why not?|-- 'Cause I know he's|not seeing Sally.
How do you know? 'Cause if he was, I'd know.
-- That's what I thought, too.
|-- Yeah.
I thought if he was,|I'd know.
But then I thought,|Casey's very discreet.
He's extremely discreet.
Discretion is very|big with Casey.
Very big.
And then I also|thought, why wouldn't|he be seeing Sally? Sally is maybe|the best-looking woman -- I don't know -- in the world.
He's just gotten done with|a 10-year marriage to -- now, don't get me wrong,|'cause she's an old friend -- a pretty hideous wench.
Wouldn't you be seeing Sally?|I'd be seeing Sally.
He's not seeing Sally.
Sally's body is ridiculous.
You have a very|good body, Dana.
-- Bet your ass I do.
|-- That's right.
And you do, too.
Tell me about it.
But that woman's body|is over the line.
He's not seeing Sally.
Then he's out of his mind.
You really like my body? She'd be receptive|to his advances.
She's made that quite known.
I'll grant you that.
She is "Sally the willing.
" You know how I know|Casey isn't seeing Sally? How? Because he really|cares about you.
And he knows it would|hurt your feelings.
Dan: I, for example, have had,|from time to time, trouble pronouncing|the name "Moira.
" Also, we know someone|named "Kirsten, " and some people pronounce|it "Keersten.
" It's not Kirsten.
|It's not Moira.
-- Jane's an easy name|to pronounce.
|-- It's not Jane.
-- So's Pam.
|-- You know what? I have an idea.
Let's talk|about this a lot more.
I have literally|nothing to do.
Get a score on|Michigan/Michigan State.
Look at that.
Hey, Sally.
Sally had the score.
What's going on? Oh, virtually nothing.
Sally was right there|with the score.
You got a problem|with me today, Dan? You're 19 feet tall.
Why are you wearing heels? Are you feeling diminutive? Nobut now I have|to look up that word.
-- Casey|[ Clears throat ]|-- Yeah? -- l, um, can't find it.
|-- You can't find it? -- The thing.
|-- Yeah.
You know what|I'm talking about? -- Yeah.
|-- Can't find it anywhere.
-- It's okay.
|-- I'll keep looking.
You know, if --|if it turns up.
Maybe it got mixed up|with someone else's laundry.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
Maybe I'll see you later.
I'll be here or on the air.
I'll be here or there.
-- I know.
|-- Yeah, of course.
Have a good show.
Okay, you only think you know|what she was talking about.
I have a hunch I cracked|her code, yes.
She was talking about a pair|of cross-country skis|that she borrowed.
That may have gotten mixed up|in the laundry.
While I applaud|your initiative, while I like that|you're moving forward, and while I admire your having|climbed Mt.
Sally -- Danny This is a recipe|for disaster.
-- It's no big deal.
|-- Moreover -- What?|-- You shouldn't tell Dana.
Well, of course I'm not|gonna tell Dana.
I mean, Dana|shouldn't find out.
-- I know.
|-- Do you? Yes.
What is it, Jeremy? Interesting thing -- did you know that the word|"Easter" never appears|in the Bible? -- Is that right?|-- The Bible is absent any mention of a celebration|of the Resurrection of Christ, save for one verse -- Acts 12, Verse 4, and that's|only in the King James Bible, where the word "Passover"|was mistranslated as Easter.
However,|in the new King James,|the American standard, and even the new|international version, the word is translated|correctly as "Passover.
" Now, that's a relief.
I did a search on the word|"Resurrection.
" -- Excellent.
|-- Want to hear more? -- Not at all.
|-- Can I ask a question? Sure.
Jesus said, "Behold|my hands and my feet, "that it is myself.
"Handle me and see, for a spirit|hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have.
" What's your question? This relates to|the bunny rabbit how? Get out.
No problem.
[ lndistinct murmuring,|giggling ] [ Laughing ] [ Knocking on glass ]|That's debatable.
Get a room,|for cryin' out loud.
Hey, how you doin'? Oh, it's a very|slow news day.
Well, a bunch of congressmen|are about to vote to roll back entire|sections of 77 Sub-B.
Uh, any of them gonna be|holding basketballs|when they do it? Probably not.
Well, you're here early.
Well, I like watching|Dana in action.
Uh, who doesn't? Listen,|I better get in action.
|Shout if you need me.
I need you.
[ Giggles ]|Just like that.
[ Giggles ] -- Hey, Gordon.
|-- Hmm? Have you ever met a woman who|works downstairs named Sally? Really tall? Yeah.
She's|the executive producer on the "West Coast|Update" -- 2:00 A.
Yeah, we've talked|a couple of times.
Don't take my friendship|with Dana for granted.
[ Chuckles ]|What do you mean? I know you think|I'm in love with her.
I know she thinks|I'm in love with her, and that's all fine|as long as it's fun and games.
But I want you to know|Dana's important to me.
I've known her a long time,|and I like her a lot.
And there are certain lengths|I'd go to to avoid seeing her|get hurt in any way.
What's on your mind, Casey? You're wearing|my shirt, Gordon.
I was wondering|why it felt so tight.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
[ Giggles ] So what were you|and Gordon talking about? -- Before?|-- Yeah.
-- Nothing.
|-- No, no, really.
Really, it was -- -- You guys are getting|along well now.
|-- Yeah.
-- I'm glad.
|-- Me too.
Things are going|so good now, Casey -- I mean,|with the two of us.
-- You and Gordon.
|-- Yes.
-- That's great.
|-- lsn't it? Yes.
What? -- Nothing.
|-- Really? Yeah, I was -- -- The games have started.
|-- What? The games.
# Oh # Dana: Let's go! [ Claps ] -- # Now, I don't hardly|know her #|-- I want to see the people|who work here work here.
Kim, stay on the DePaul game.
We're gonna back it up|to the feature.
-- # But I think|I could love her #|-- Elliott, get a wire summary|and cut footage and make sure that|Natalie sees it.
Dave, Chris, Will -- # Crimson and clover #|-- I need a sound test and|a color pattern before 10:00.
It's showtime! Let's move.
# Oh # [ Rock music plays ]