Spun Out (2014) s01e11 Episode Script

He's here, he's here! - Who's here? - Jacob Milton! The only man to ever equal Dave Lyons in PR and with the ladies.
One night he had sex with a model, a supermodel and a swimsuit model! And briefly got the government to label cigarettes "awesome.
" By the time I got done with Cheney's friend He was begging to apologize for getting shot in the face.
Oh man! Hey! I want you to meet Jacob Milton, the finest wingman I have ever had the pleasure of serving with.
So, you and the boss man used to tear it up together? Man, oh yeah! We used to go out drinking and womanizing with the Rolling Stones.
Until Keith said, "No, this is too much.
You guys are insane!" They called us "The Closers" 'cause we closed every deal and every bar - And one time, an airport.
- Mm-hmm! - Wow! - But now he's off closing all by himself in San Francisco.
Yep.
Sir, would you mind continuing this male bonding after you sign a few things in your office? Oh, right, Bryce, okay.
Though you might want to come watch this.
I sign with this pen that Richard Branson gave me.
Oh, really? Branson gave me a Porsche.
Maybe you could draw a picture of it with that little pen of yours.
Maybe I could.
I mean, the pen did originally belong to Picasso.
Oh! Hey, great shoes.
- Did you get those at Sully's in New York? - I did.
- Hmm, thought so.
- So you live in the Castro District? - Got a loft there.
- I thought so.
Oh Dave has no idea you're gay, does he? - Not a clue.
- He's not like us.
I spotted you the second I walked in.
- Really? What tipped you off? - The hair.
The hair It's always the hair.
It's like a big, gay beacon.
Come on, you guys must know somebody! I haven't had a date in 3 months! I can't.
Every time I set you up, you tell the truth.
I thought women wanted honesty from men.
Women don't want honesty from men.
Women want honesty from gay men.
Yeah, like uh, see that lipstick on you, it does not work for you at all.
See? Now, I'm fine with that.
You have to get better at giving women our version of honesty.
Like, "Wow, that was a fascinating dream.
" Or, "You're right.
She did give you a look.
" Or the classic, "No! You're not turning into your mother at all!" Come on, guys.
- I'm not that bad.
Excuse me.
- Can I get you another drink? I don't know.
Can you? No, I'm kidding, of course.
Yes, you may.
Coming right up.
You know she's gonna spit in your drink.
If she doesn't, I will.
Okay, I know this girl, she teaches me hot yoga.
I'll set you up with her.
And we will be there to make sure you don't screw it up.
- Great.
Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Yeah, that's all spit.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
So Stephanie and Olivier.
It's been a month now, huh? That's not you?! I called him Beckett, like, 6 times! He just looked at me like I was an idiot.
Yeah, that's it! Thank you for agreeing to meet me here, Olivier.
This last month has been amazing but It's been the best month of my life! That's adorable.
Listen, I need to be honest with you.
Oh, oh, woop, woop Hi, mom.
Yeah, yeah, she's right here.
She wants to speak with you.
Oh, no Oh, hello? Yes, it's great to finally speak with you.
The family lake house Yeah, why wouldn't I want to come meet everyone? I can call you what? Okay.
Bye mom.
All right, so there we were, handcuffed at the Swiss French border.
- We lost our passports.
- And we had to get to Paris by midnight! Ah, gay Paree! - But The Closers couldn't be stopped.
- No.
Not only did we make it to Paris by midnight, but the border guards came with us! How long did that party last, Dave? - Ah man! - Yeah, Dave, was it 525,600 minutes? I don't know.
Probably about that.
We don't Hey, I've got to sign off on some press releases, but when I am done, The Closers are hitting all their old haunts.
All right.
Dude, you gotta lay it on so thick? I want to tell Dave.
I just want wait for the right time.
- It just never seems to be the right time.
- Hey, I got some great news! Our favorite strip club, Tainted Ladies, they just reopened after that hepatitis scare.
I got a pocket full of fives.
I got a pocket full of tens.
That looked a lot like the right time.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, how are things going with Olivier? Did I detect a little tension? Yes.
Ugh, I don't get it! I should be crazy about him! You know, he's gorgeous, yet I'm repulsed.
He's affectionate, but I feel suffocated.
When he smiles, I just I wanna punch in those perfect white teeth! So why are you sticking around? Sometimes sticking around is easier than being honest and ending it.
You see, I'm the opposite.
I'm so honest I keep blowing it with every girl I date.
Hey, how about we make a pact.
I'll be more honest, and you lie.
I'll end my relationship and you stop ruining yours.
You dump, I date.
- Done.
- Deal! Hey Bryce! Oh! I need you to dump somebody for me.
What would you prefer? Slow and painful, brutal and fast, or something subtle that will haunt him for years? - Hm.
Surprise me.
- Ooh Ah! He must be a Scorpio.
So quick to tears.
Bryce, couldn't you have done the "let's still be friends" crushing, not the "rendering him impotent" crushing? Oh, I couldn't do it.
Poor Olivier's grandmother just found out she's going blind.
- Oh - All he wants is for you to meet her so she can see you just once.
Go to him, Stephanie.
- Go to him.
- Yes, Stephanie.
Go to Beckett.
Hey There, there Jacob, I can't help but notice the beard.
- What about it? - It's just sort of odd.
I grew mine first.
And I remember you saying you liked it.
Then I see a photo of you at an event and you've got a beard I didn't steal your beard, Dave! If you stole the beard, that's fine, I understand.
You need the beard, you know, 'cause of your weak chin.
Actually, I haven't needed a beard for about 5 years now.
Really? Then why would you have a beard if you don't need a beard? Oh God beard.
You're gay! As a fireman on Fire Island.
Wh why the hell didn't you tell me before now? I tried once.
We'd been drinking a lot and you just hugged me and said, "Me too!" Yeah, but you slept with women.
I mean, you slept with lots and lots and lots of women.
I mean, lots of women that I wanted to sleep with.
I guess that was my way of hiding it from myself.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I'm gay too! Not in that outfit you're not.
So, you're okay with this? I'm more than okay with it.
I'm happy for you.
I'm proud of you for coming out.
In fact, tonight, we party like kings.
Homosexual kings! Cool! That's the name of the club I'm taking you to.
Let's go! Good morning team! - Someone's in a good mood.
- I certainly am, Nelson.
I had the most amazing night last night with Jacob.
It was just so exhilarating, you know? I mean, even this coffee tastes sweeter.
Probably because it isn't mine.
I think I accidentally stole someone's caramel latte.
But you know what? It's fantastic! Uh, by the way, Dave, we don't actually say "fantastic.
" We say "fabulous.
" That's right, we do, don't we? Hey, Nelson.
Have you ever been to a gay bar? We have our own bars?! Yeah.
You really gotta check 'em out.
Ah, they're fantastic! I mean, it was just I don't know how to describe it.
It was just so freeing, you know.
I mean, it's the first time since Sunday school that I've been in a room where I wasn't trying to get laid.
Okay, that's not actually true.
In Sunday school I was trying to get laid.
Hey, Dave.
Did you take my non-fat, vanilla-soy, one-pump, caramel latte? I think I did, man.
Sorry about that.
So, what are our plans for tonight? What's up? What are we gonna do? Can't we just take it easy and go to that bar downstairs? Manion's? I don't want to go to Manion's! Aw, come on.
That place is so boring.
It's it's full of breeders.
Well, I don't want to go to a gay bar.
I do want to go to a gay bar.
- Fine, have it your way! - I gotta use your office.
All right, we'll go to Manion's! Hey Bryce, how fast do you think you can gay up Manion's? Sir, by 9PM, that bar will be raining men.
Excellent.
I thought it was raining men once.
Serves me right for fallin' asleep in a Russian sauna.
Did you bring me to a gay bar? It was straight when we sat down.
It must have come out while we were here.
I told my husband I would go to gay bars without him, but I did not think one would just pop up around me.
I didn't know Manion's was a gay bar.
Me neither, but I for one applaud their open-mindedness.
Dave, you didn't hire a bunch of gay guys to hang out at your local tavern, did you? Welcome to Gay Night at Manion's, sponsored by Dave Lyons! What? I let you pick the bar, so I changed it a little.
Come on! Oh, hey.
Hey guys.
How's it going? Come on.
This is your last night in town.
Let's spend it like we always used to, okay? Unless you don't think you can keep up anymore.
Buddy - The Closers are open for business.
- All right.
- Hm.
Let's do this! - Oh! - Yeah! - Whoo! All right.
Roxy, serious question: Do you like camping? The closest I've come to camping is losing cell reception in an elevator.
Right answer! Who needs nature? - What are we, animals? - Okay, next question.
Could you possibly get any cooler? - I could grow sideburns.
- There it is.
- Doin' good.
- I told you.
Ah, careful.
They're hot.
Could be hotter.
Hm! Ooh You want a napkin? - I'm good.
- A finger-bowl maybe? - Mmm! - A garden hose? Okay, he's in some serious trouble.
There's only one thing we can do.
Yeah, ignore him, get drunk and dance.
- That sounds awesome! - Mm-hmm.
Hey, baby.
Look what I got.
Your costume.
I'm s I'm sorry, what? Look, every year my family does a new Rodgers and Hammerstein musical.
And this year, it's The Sound of Music.
You're Rolf.
Listen, we need to talk.
Oh I see where this is going.
- I'm sorry, I just - You want to be Maria.
Babe, I get it, okay? It's just casting is a little political, okay? It's all about who you know.
Specifically, gran'mama.
Yes, yes, of course.
Um, it's actually not about the play.
Oh.
Hold on.
- Hello, mother.
- Ugh.
Stephanie and I will not be coming up to the lake house this week.
Why? Because she's my Maria.
And I'd climb any mountain for her! Oh, my God! That is the sweetest thing anybody's ever done for me! I can't believe I tried to break up with you every day for the past two weeks! What? You mean, like like every day? Like, there wasn't a Wednesday where you thought things might work out? Nope, not a single day! - Until now.
- You you lied to me! You lied to my mother! Did you even care that gran'mama was going blind? Honestly, she's 92.
She's seen all she needs to see.
So have I.
Goodbye, Stephanie.
Don't call me.
But Olivier! Hello, mother? No, no! Someone stole my phone and was pretending to be me.
I know you'd think a yoga teacher would eat nothing but salads, but life is short.
I like to dig in with both hands! You sure do.
Right up to the elbows! Oh no! She's still eating with both her hands! We better get in there before she starts eating with both feet.
Yeah.
Beckett, Roxy! What What a coincidence! - What are you guys doing here? - Hi, I'm Abby.
It's nice to meet you.
I noticed you're almost done your appetizers.
Do you know what else is really good here? The cutlery.
For the next half hour, enjoy half price on our lip-smackin' finger-suckin' platter! - Ooh! - No!!! No way we can say no to that! Cheers, buddy.
Ah! Oh! Mm! Okay! You know what? I think I've had enough shots.
- I'm just gonna ask.
Back in the day - I wasn't attracted to you.
Wow! You really pulled that bandage off fast.
Excuse me.
Didn't I meet you in Nice last year? Uh no, I've never actually been to Nice.
What? You've never been to Nice? Sometimes I'll just fire up the private jet, pop over to Nice for the weekend.
- Really? - Yep.
- I'm Ethan.
- Hey, Ethan.
What the hell are you doing? Huh? What I was just chatting.
Chatting with Ethan here.
No, no, you're not chatting.
You're flirting.
What?! You don't bring up the private jet when you're "just chatting.
" Besides, he doesn't even have a private jet.
Oh, I have a jet.
And it is totally private.
You're doing it again.
What are you talking about? Doing what? I'm just Look, I'm just trying to help you out, man.
Really? Yeah, I'm trying to help you.
Look.
You know, you're about to let this fish off the hook, all right? I'm just trying to reel him in, keep him close to the boat, so you can at least scoop him up with a net.
You really think I need your help to sleep with this man? He doesn't.
You don't.
You really don't think I couldn't take this man away from you if I wanted to? He has a jet.
He could.
I'm just saying, you have lost your game.
- Game? - Yeah! - You don't know even know what my game is! - No, I don't.
I got a whole new game.
You want to see some game? - Sit back and watch, old man! - I'm watchin'.
So, Ethan, what gym do you go to? Ooh! Or should I say, what gym don't you go to? Agh! I'm sorry, Ethan.
This is crazy, man! What are we doing? I don't know, it's just instinct.
I just want to compete, you know.
It's - 'Cause I'm straight! - What? - And I'm getting married.
- What?! I do not approve of your lifestyle! Look, being gay may not be a choice, but marriage definitely is! Let me out of here! Out of my way! Let me out of here! Let me go! Let me through! So I finally get up on the water skis and I'm waving to everybody, only to realize that they're applauding me because my bikini is around my ankles.
- Wow! - Both pieces! I think we're over the hump.
And the finger food platter for the woman whose metabolism everyone hates.
You know what would be good? If we donate this to a food bank.
Or, better idea, why don't we just give this to the hungry men here? Guys, guys, guys I can do this.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
Nothing All right.
My friends think that I'm having a problem coping with this little thing a little, little quirk.
- What quirk? - It's it's not a big deal.
It's not at all.
I wouldn't normally bring it up, but I know that women like honesty.
So I'll just tell you: it's every time you eat, you lick your fingers that's it.
And this bothers you? No.
Not Well, okay.
Yeah, a little.
It's not about you.
This is totally about me.
It's just this tiny little thing I find a little irritating.
You're taking this the wrong way.
I didn't I didn't want to say anything.
Again, this is You're a lovely woman.
I'm having a great the greatest night.
It's just, if you were just a little less finger-licky I would be so happy.
Happy happy as a clam! Hey, we should order clams! No, it's a terrible idea.
Why would we order clams? Anyway, you know what? I regret saying anything.
Conversation over.
All right.
We good? Oh, we're good.
I'll tell you what.
You don't have to worry about me putting anything else in my mouth tonight.
Aw, she was gonna put something else in her mouth! Gordie! Hi! Gordon! Are you gay? No! That's Nelson.
You really have to start telling people apart.
How'd it go? You dump? - No.
Got dumped.
You date? - Nope.
Got dumped.
Beckett, why can't we find anybody?! In your case, I have no idea.
For me, I can't stop turning these little annoying things into huge deal breakers.
- Everybody's gonna be annoying.
- Yeah.
Love is finding that person who annoys you the least.
I like that I wouldn't embroider it on a pillow.
To finding the least annoying person.
Yeah.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
Does that bother you? Not at all.
Yeah, that bugs me a little.
All right if I come in? I just wanted to make sure you haven't turned this into a bath house.
Yeah, okay, I deserve that.
Yeah.
Homofying Manion's was stupid.
I can't stand to see you getting married.
I mean, have you learned nothing from me? Dave, we had a lot of good times, but we can't stay those guys forever.
Yes, we can! We're rich! Look, I just want to settle down.
Have kids.
And when I get married, I want you to be my best man.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'll be honest, I was kind of hoping you'd say that.
In fact, I've already started planning the wildest stag party ever! I expect nothing less.
- Okay.
- Just promise me one thing: - No strippers.
- Oh! Of course not! Come on! No strippers.
I promise, no strippers.
None.
What's It's, uh, nothing man.
I love you, man! I do not approve of your lifestyle! You know being gay may be a choice but marriage definitely It's the other way around? Something like that.
Yes, being gay is a choice