Squidbillies (2005) s01e01 Episode Script

This Show Is Called Squidbillies

This show is called Squidbillies.
lt takes place in a quiet little town nestled in the North Georgia mountains.
lt has a gas station, a dance studio, a Sheriff's office.
Look! There's the Sheriff.
Three years from now he'll die of emphysema.
% He'll die of emphysema % % Three years from now % That large building over there is Dan Halen's Sheetrock.
They specialize in sheetrock, sheetrock mud, sheetrock screws pharmaceuticals, petroleum, global mass media third world covert military operations, and The baby hammock! There's got to be a better way.
There is! Just connect the razor sharp hooks to the dangerous mesh cocoon, and presto! Another dead baby? Sue the parents! Take them for every dime.
By calling the baby hammock a baby deathtrap the parents had violated Dan Halen's copyright on the term ''baby deathtrap,'' which he was already using for The baby deathtrap! There's got to be a better way.
There is! Just place your baby next to the magical electromonkey.
% Oh, go on, they don't care about that % % Let it go % All right.
So who else lives here? There's Space Baby.
And Snakeman.
Can't see who he's talking to.
lt doesn't really matter.
That boy is Billy Morton, star of the football team.
Your daddy whittled you some fine limbs, son.
Watch this.
- They're talking playoffs this year.
- Well, l better get to practice, Sheriff.
- Stay sweet, Billy.
- l will, Sher-- Damn it! There goes the season.
This is the story of all the people that live in this mountain town.
But mostly, it's the story of Early Cuyler.
Sweet, divine, delicious.
Excuse me.
You reckon you could give me permission to date your pumpkin? - Get off my porch.
- Get out of your house! How do you like that? You like that? Early's real story begins 15 years ago.
% Early Cuyler was a young squid % % Young squid with his heart on fire % Early, baby, l'm gonna love you till the mountains and the oceans, like, collide with the sun and like everything on the Earth's dead, except for you and me and our love.
No! You ain't gonna touch my front butt.
Unless l get one of them sport radio things with the ear buds.
And the autoreverse! l can't be joggin' and flippin' tapes and drink my sip.
All right, then.
Lookit here! You give me all that money you keepin' in that damn robot box.
- Give it to me now! Do it! Do it! - Here you go, take it.
Now, can l please have one of them walkmans? - That'll be $34 if you got it.
- This oughta cover it.
Oh, that's Thanks, Early.
Ain't no Early here! Give me all that money! Do it! Let's go! Do it! Do it! Now! Now! - Take it all.
Just don't hurt me.
- Thank you, Boyd.
We'll see you in church.
Bye, Early.
That night the couple made sweet, sweet love.
Without Early.
Baby doll? Baby doll? You in there? l got some real special words for you.
Baby doll, will you marry me? Yeah, l guess.
And bring me that tape player! - Give it here.
- Now, which end you want me on? You ain't get me no tape cassette? Oh, flip tapes l know Flappin' cake tape capestape cassette.
Camper Van Whobilly what?! Hell, no! Did you hear me? l said Bad Company, 10 from 6.
Now move! Let's go, let's go.
l'm doing it.
You even believing this mess? What about a damn headache powder? Do your damn job.
Sheriff, hey, it's me, Early.
Early Cuyler spent the next 15 years in prison.
% Hard times, hard times % % Lord, how do they hang down % One and two and three and twirl.
Two and No, no, no.
You twirl on four! - This ain't gon' be worth a damn.
- One and two and three and twirl Meanwhile, Early's dear fiancée waited for him.
For 1 2.
14 seconds.
Oh my God, it's even got a jog timer! l'm gonna be a jogger.
And with this free one year subscription digital watch l now pronounce you man of snakeish descent and lordy.
She was carrying the fruit of Early's efforts.
- Thank God you're here.
Please help! - Not him.
- No, wait, don't leave, no! - Him.
Please, no! Unbeknownst to Early, a child was born, a son.
- Good luck with that crap.
- Go, go, go! The boy was left with Early's sister Lil.
She ran a beauty parlor/boiled peanut-ery off 575.
Look at him.
Where's my damn chicken?! % Lil named that boy Rusty % % And she raised him up as best she could % Damn, Lil, that boy can perm! How much do l owe you? Hey, Lil? Excuse me.
Did you know that moonshine is illegal in this county here? That's just my meth lab.
You know what it looks like from here? A mortal eye of God collapsing into itself with the insatiable color of the soul forever warmed in never-ending oneness.
And listen, that's not to reject the one, 'cause l l'm saved! Turns out Rusty had shampooed the Sheriff with over half a million dollars of crystal meth.
Smoke his head! So the state stepped in and placed Rusty in a more positive environment.
When l was little, we didn't have fancy ketchup.
We just had ketchup.
We used to make it out in the back out of opossum tails.
Only we just called it blood.
ls that right, now? Well, granny, l gotta git.
l'll have Mongolian beef, side order of sow chow chicken, spring vegetable and l don't want any sesame seeds in it and the princess rolls.
Yeah, well, that's nice, granny.
l gotta go.
l gotta get on out of here.
- l'll see you later, OK? - That's God's truth.
When Jesus was president, he ate babies all the time.
Boy, look at the time! Wait a minute.
Was that Satan? One of them ate babies.
OK, l gotta go.
Well, l just had me a gizgasm.
% Boredom and loneliness, boredom and loneliness % % Boredom and loneliness, boredom and loneliness % % Boredom and loneliness % % lt's lonely % % When you're with your granny % And that's when a wolf saved his life.
And then ate his face.
% lt's a wolf attack % For the next 11 years, Rusty was raised by wolves.
l'm doing it.
Look at me, l'm doing it! - Horribly.
- No, Daddy, no! And then the tooth fairy will come and bring me money? Where's he do it? Right here? So, babies don't come out the butt? But this time it was Rusty who had the upper hand.
Having filled his body with 300 pounds of nitroglycerin Rusty blew all the wolves and much of the forest into a fine brown mist.
Fortunately for the wolves, this was but a dream.
All right! l'm in Rush! Electric jug, baby.
This, too, was a dream.
Oh, God.
l had the weirdest damn dream.
l was in that band Rush.
Granny was there.
And l yelled, ''Show me your tatas!'' And she done it.
Oh, God, and l liked it.
- You're butt-ass naked.
- No, l ain't.
Oh, my God! Dream.
This actually happened.
You so soft.
This looks real.
% Let's just put him here % OK, sure, put him here.
% lt will be fun % Billy? - Son? - You're my daddy.
- lt's a boy! - l got a daddy! l got real family, boys! l'm a daddy! l'm a dad-- - Daddy, l love you so much.
- Hey, over here.
- But you ain't got no hair, damn! - Don't question the work of the Lord.
All right, l guess l love you, Daddy.
But you call me.
lf that don't just touch my heart.
You done your time, Early.
So, you go on.
- You be with your kin now.
- Thank you kindly, Sheriff.
Now whose toothbrush was it?! That's how you deal with the unwanteds.
That touches my heart, too.
Go on, be free.
You're just making it harder by staying around here And so the squids settled into a normal family life.
Daddy, l got a date with Tanya tonight but it's the same night l'm supposed to have a date with Tara.
And neither one of them know l'm a squid.
What l'm gonna do? Son, come over here and sit on your daddy's knee.
You think you're safe over there hiding behind them Hispanics? Looky here.
You know what this here tattoo means? You see this creature with the eyes in the back of his head? What now? lt means that the minute you turn your back, l'm gonna beat you! - No, Daddy! No! - l'll beat your ass in the yard.
- Ain't no damn guards gonna stop me! - Daddy, stop it! - l've got you! Your ass is mine! - Don't you know your own kin? - Some boys like syrup.
But l like jelly.
- You're home, Early.
You're home.
You're not inside anymore.
That's your boy, Rusty.
What? Daddy? BloodLogic