Squidbillies (2005) s02e03 Episode Script

Double Truckin' the Tricky Two

% My oldest son was born an albino % % My youngest is covered in hair % % The middle one says he's a homosexual % % The other seven are gone, l don't know where % % and l don't care % % l just don't care % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! All right then, y'all bow your heads.
God almighty, we ask you to bless this Russell, kindly turn down the electronica.
God almighty, we ask you to bless this feast that lie before us and please allow these spent lottery tickets with their silver scratchery seasonings to nourish our bodies, as they were unable to do the same to our wallets.
Lord, thank you for the untimely frost you sent what claimed our pointless banana orchards.
Oh, l was a fool to plant bananers on a mountain.
You made sure of that.
ln short, thank you for nothing.
You want to thank the Lord for that truck boat truck? You silly bitch, don't be telling Him about my truck boat truck.
But, Daddy, you tell everybody about that.
That's your pride and joy.
Because it's bad-ass, is why.
Check out this mess.
Listen to that 450 big block! So enjoy my 450 big block, Lord which you have seen fit to take from me in your jealous rage.
We had best reap your holy rewards in tonight's drawing of the Tricky Two Jackpot Extravaganza! You best to make it so! Amen.
What the hell was that about? ls he serious? l didn't come down here to be threatened.
Lord, l need a favor.
Think you can hook me up? You know, no.
l'm not giving you the Tricky Two numbers.
OK, sorry, sweetie.
Well, how about just a little taste of the alpha and omega? Then l would be giving you both of the numbers.
No! l'm saying l'm not doing it.
- Come on.
- Look, l just can't do it.
But you know who you should try? And l'm serious.
- Satan's a self - l know.
But you know something? He likes working with the elderly.
lt's not a bad choice.
l'll never masturbate again.
Come on.
l know.
Woman, get in here! They pulling the numbers! Tonight's winning numbers for the Tricky Two Jackpot Extravaganza are - 7.
- 7.
And 4! l got it! You got it, boy.
And ''W''.
Yes, ''W''.
So tonight's two winning numbers for the Tricky Two are 7 and 4 and ''W''.
Have a problem with that? Well, move to New York.
A portion of tonight's Tricky Two will benefit Georgia public schools.
Georgia public schools.
Someone has to build the cars.
Damn that Tricky Two! They tricked us again with the third number.
Damn lottery.
l ain't never won Jack Squattery.
''l ain't won jack a lot from the squattery.
''The lottery should be the jacksquattery '''cause l ain't jack squatting a loty.
'' There's more.
''They should rename the lottery to the jacksquattery '''cause that's all l ever win in it.
'' There you go.
Five exclamation points.
Oh, you slap that on a hat and you gonna make you some money.
Make me some money.
- Damn it, l need some money! - Of course you do.
Listen, Early, l'm catching some heat from the State gaming commission.
Apparently they want someone to win the Tricky Two other than me.
So tonight, l want you to cup my balls.
Up to now, Lord, you've had your gigantic sandal foot placed on the windpipe of all my dreams.
But even as you try to defeat me, l hatch another idea to defeat you.
Or is it? Listen, play this favorite record backwards, and smash it! l'll do you.
l'll do you hard.
l'll do you till your brains fly out and kiss your soul into the dirt.
l'll rape you like a monster pig in hell.
What What did you need? - The Tricky Two jackpot numbers.
- No, no, no.
How about l burn your ass like a sweet potato? - Yeah, OK.
- Really? Oh, well, then, you're gonna steal money from the government by falsifying No, that one sucks, wait a minute.
Ah, Satan, come on.
Use your A game here.
Cheat on Tell her to pee in her neighbor's brain.
- To pee in her neighbor's brain.
- To pee in her neighbor's brain! To pee To pee in your neighbor's brain! - Second head butting.
- Yes, you nailed it.
- That's it.
- No! Shut up.
l double dare you! l'm a big time potty mouth.
Swearing makes me tough.
You're a confused individual.
Granny, Granny! Gather up the family.
This is the night that Early Cuyler detrickulatates The Tricky Two.
Hey, who here killed my favorite snake? Welcome to tonight's Tricky Two jackpot extravaganza.
And now, yank forth the balls! Acorn.
And? - Bolt.
- Bolt? So, the two numbers are acorn and bolt, and And a fist of pine straw.
And pine straw.
- Pine cone.
- Pine cone.
- Here we got a hog nut.
- Hog testicle.
- Shell casin'.
- Shell casing.
- Eyeball.
- Eyeball? Go, Daddy, go! - Another shell casin'.
- And another shell casing.
And finally, a squirrel skull.
And squirrel skull.
So, tonight's numbers are Wait a minute, hold on And this right here.
Partial brain matter.
Of course.
So, tonight's numbers are: Acorn, bolt, pine straw, pine cone, hog testicle shell casing, shell casing eyeball, and finally squirrel skull with partial brain matter sort of still in it.
l am a winner! l'm gonna get my grandma that operation she needs for a transplant.
Bingo! Bingo! Bingo, bingo, bingo! Bingo! Bingo, bingo! Well, congratulations, Early.
You finally won the lottery.
Shirley Jackson's The Lottery.
He doesn't understand.
Did you You did take freshman English, didn't you? But then, you know, it's the short story, the winner gets stoned.
- Too late, chief.
- No, we're not All right.
Everyone, just sit down.
''The morning of June 27th was clear and sunny ''with the fresh warmth of a full summer day ''Stone hit her on the side of the head.
''lt isn't fair! lt isn't right! ''Mrs.
Hutchinson screamed.
And then they were upon her.
'' - Early? Your opinion? - When we gonna get high? - l mean, l won the damn drawing, right? - Oh, you won the drawing.
The drawing and the quartering! Just lower the check.
See, right here it says that ''You will be ripped asunder by the 4,000 horsepower semis ''of the a-truck-o-lypse.
This Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.
'' Standard echo on the - Damn.
- weekday name.
Wake up, Granny.
Hey, Granny.
- You won the lottery! - l did? - Oh, yeah, you done it.
- Oh, Early! You're such a sweet, sweet Son of a bitch! You die in hell! Hey, darling, how much for your corn dog? - l thought they threw rocks in the book.
- Rocks are boring.
Ladies and gentlemen put your pain ponchos on and huddle beneath the plexiglass lest your faces be stained with the filthy entrails of this profoundly unlucky sesquaceptuiginarian! % Time, the time will pass % Super Goliath! Ultra Goliath! ln the name of Georgia public schools, tear her to bits! Look at that! Look at the violence! Wait for it Still to come Any minute now.
Granted the creature is elastic, and l didn't foresee that, but - Switch over to the beauty tips, sonny.
- There's still the possibility that you could watch her rip somehow.
Just look at that painted up whore.
Nick her with the scissors.
- Granny's got a little itch on her nose.
- Wait, don't go! Could you just give me a little scratchy scratch? - Hey, anything could happen here still.
- Right here? - Just a little lower.
- Right there? Little lower.
Just Just wait.
Wait till l'll l'll call the drivers.
Super Goliath! Have you got your ears on? Copy here, boss.
l-20's a parking lot down here got a melon truck jack-knifed at the clover leaf.
Ultra Goliath, where are you now? Roger that, l'm at the rest area.
Getting my groove on.
Thought we's done with all this.
Oh, forget it.
This sucks.
Just a wee hair lower.
Well, l'll go down right here.
That's far as l'm goin'.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, you're good at that, aren't you? Spank me.
Granny, l ain't goin' no lower, you know it.
Hi, how you doing? Well, l'm OK.
Hey, listen.
You ever see one of these here up close? BloodLogic And finally, squirrel skull.