Squidbillies (2005) s02e08 Episode Script

Asses to Ashes, Sluts to Dust

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Smells like dang eggs or somethin'.
May l speak with you for a minute? This flatulence is off the charts and we don't even know where the gas is coming from.
Her dementia is getting so bad, she's blaming it on me.
What? Doctor, why are you doing this? - Sorry, Mrs.
- Hey, doctor.
- l'm sorry.
- Doctor, be a professional.
- Come on now.
- This is very serious.
She's gaining and losing weight at an impossible pace.
This is just water retention.
This can only mean one thing.
She needs a new gallglabber.
l mean, don't you think so? You just blinked as l said that, do you? What you telling me is we gonna probably have to call on Jesus to use His heavenly powers to heal her? l'm saying that l need to cut her open with tools and give her a new gallglabglabber.
Jesus, Lord, l humbly ask that you drive the demons from this wrinkly, and undesirable body.
l feel you, Lord.
l command you, Satan, be gone! - Son of a - Now walk to me.
The bunions have been exorcised! - All right, Granny! - l'm bunion free, Jesus.
But them bunions was fine.
Hell, they looked good.
The damn gall bladder's what turned on her.
Fix the damn gall bladder.
Well, l'm really more of a foot specialist.
- l'd help you if l could.
- This one here is gonna help.
Now whip out that damn gall bladder or we'll scrape the sumbitch off the wall.
He's not a blood relative, is he? Lord, no! You're an insane man! l'm afraid you need a gall bladder from your own family.
Well, why didn't you say so? Hell, we got a gall bladder right here encased inside this bitch.
She's filled with smoke.
Check it out.
The blood that we did find is riddled with hepatitis D which l didn't even know existed.
Thatl don't know what that is.
So you saying we gonna probably have to call on Jesus to use his heavenly powers l'm saying we might need a different donor.
You're in fairly good shape.
Why don't you So you are gay and you wantin' to sleep with me and date me? - ls that it? - l did Don't you be gayanatin' him.
You trying to transmogrify me into one of y'alls? - l just did - Hell, no.
l ain't that way.
l do not want to date you, sir.
So you sayin' you just want the sex.
l'm saying that you may be the perfect donor for your Moth-- Grand-- That old bat? She is so special to me.
She is the very glue that holds this here family together.
We'd be lost without her.
Then again, l am busy.
See, l'm a-fabricatin' me a whistle.
lt don't work yet.
Daddy, we are gonna save Granny's life, ain't we? We? Who's we? You got yourself a gall bladder, don't you, big man? - Who, me? - lt doesn't really matter.
See, you don't have insurance, and the cost of a gall bladder-oscomy is cost is big mans have strong money.
Granny needs us, Daddy.
We got to find the money.
You're right, son but that's gonna take a lot of work and we gonna need us a lot of help.
Get the hell off! Get your ass away from my scooter.
- l ain't pickin' up.
Hell, l'm droppin' off.
- Don't leave me, Early.
l'm ill.
Now, Granny, how do you expect to get better if you don't get out here and work your ass off to make the money check to get the pay to pay for operation to make you better? - Did you just hear a pop? - Me? Now don't you hop that saggy ass home unless you bringin' Ben Franklin with you.
l need me some money! Hola muchachos.
Por favor/ Easy, muchachos.
You're bending my walker.
My spine! - Well, hell, you said family.
- l said blood relatives.
Damn it.
Back her out.
When's Molly Hatchet come on? Why, so you can bed down with the rhythm section again? Get her out of here Terry! Take her from my sight! l knew you couldn't afford the Molly Hatchet tickets.
- Asshole.
- You better watch that mouth, girl.
Be careful, Terry.
You carry my heart.
l woke up in North Korea some little fella trying to grind my head into a powder.
Said rubbing it on himself would help him get it up.
- Said it in Korean, of course.
- That's terrible.
Terrible job you've done on that crown molding.
ls that even mandarin sunrise? No.
My pancreas exploded.
l told you l needed to rest.
Yeah, l'm afraid no Coca-Cola unless you redo that work.
l don't want the textured look.
No texture.
Spool me out eight linear feet of that there jerky rope.
Ain't that there supposed to be for the operation for your ma or your grandma? OK, all right.
Well, then l suppose l'll have me a box of them 1 2-gauge.
No, no.
- The hollow points.
- You can use the surgery money.
Whatever's best for your family.
l'm gonna go with teriyaki.
Are you sure you got enough money? Yeah, l think you do.
Well, Lord, looks like it's time.
l'm gonna settle in and spend all of eternity - just sittin' at your right hand - Yes, so tellin' you all about that one show l seen.
- Yeah, so - She's The Sheriff.
- Maybe l'll take - She really was the sheriff.
One time, she got herself locked in jail.
You think your daddy's seen that one? l bet he ain't, but l'll tell him all about How much exactly do you need for this operation? lt don't matter.
There ain't no way we can afford it.
Look at your waffle.
What is that? - That's awful.
- And it's crying blood.
- Can you believe it? - Big whoop.
That's probably worth something on the internet.
- Want to sell that? - Well, it's still a waffle.
What if l post it right now? - Keep your hands off my waffle! - You can get $200, Granny.
- l don't care who's your daddy is.
- Granny.
You're a thief in my eyes.
How dare you take a waffle from a sick woman.
Granny! Bug! Don't hurt me.
God, l didn't tell nobody about you Granny, it's gonna be all right.
We're gonna get you that new gall bladder.
But l didn't mean to flush you down the toilet all those years ago.
You did you did what? How's So you're a doctor, huh? You were always my favorite.
- What you want? - Mr.
Cuyler? Great news.
A donor has stepped forward.
Turns out there's another squid in the valley.
You heard me, right? Perfect match.
He's a squid from your family.
You don't want to know who this guy is? Yeah, we ain't got no money so we'll see you later, then.
- Half price.
- What's that? Tell him half price.
Also, we will do the surgery for half price, which pisses me off.
Cuyler? Daddy, is Granny gonna die? Son, there's a time to plant and a time to plow.
Now, you bring me the good book.
The phone book.
We gonna call us up some bitches.
Can't you go to your rich boss and axe him for the money? Rusty, that old woman is in the hospital a-dyin'! And you want me to kill my damn pride, too? Hell, no! l refuse! Come on, Daddy.
Please, Daddy.
She's all we got left.
You know, till Aunt Lil wakes up over there.
Goodness, Early, no wonder your work's dropped off so much.
And l can't help but notice the drinking and the fighting.
And l assaulted that landscaping crew, toosexually.
Yes, l recall the litigation.
Early, of course l'll pay for the operation.
- You will? - Of course.
Hot damn! You a sumbitchin' angel! Question.
Can we do some other things to her? What we've done is implanted a small computer in her head that sends electrical impulses to her brain.
Hopefully, this will help her with her smoking problem.
But she don't smoke none.
Yes, well, this will reduce her need to not smoke.
These delicious Dan Halen High Tar Slims.
- Smoke now! - Gimme those! That's the stuff.
Y'all fixed her gall bladder, right? Yes, we've done We're going to shortly.
ln that, you know What have we got here? That's a free satin totebag.
lt comes with the operation.
Wait a minute.
Free satin tote? Yes, forthe nausea.
But free satin tote, right? - For the nausea.
- Give me a light.
Butbutbut free satin tote.
For the nausea.
- Free satin tote! - For the nausea! Smoke now! Smoke now! Hey y'all! Anybody got any cigarettes? Yeah, l smoked all the ones in town.
- Smoke now! - l need three more! BloodLogic Not worth it.