Squinters (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Hit The Road
1 - How's work? Are you CEO yet? - You know what? I'm actually expecting some good news this morning.
I don't trust good news.
Every silver cloud has a black lining.
Come on, Mum.
- You could be looking at the new - .
.
the new bloody Pacific sales manager at Kosciuszko.
They're looking for someone experienced, energetic yet confident.
Doesn't sound like you at all.
That's exactly what I am.
Sounds more like your brother.
You're more of a timid - self-deprecating tinkerer.
- Tinkerer? What is a tin? That sounds I'm a fiddler or something.
A tinkerer? Anyway, thanks once again for filling my cup with such confidence.
If you prefer lies, just say so.
Well, I would rather the lies, Mama.
(SNIFFS) Oh, is that (SNIFFS) Eugh.
- It was Barney.
- Was it Barney, was it? OK.
Barney, that was very You're a very bad dog, Barney.
What a very bad human-smelling fart you just did then.
- No, don't scold him, love.
- Yeah, I wasn't.
That was a pretend scolding 'cause I know that wasn't him.
I know what Barney's farts smell like, Mum.
I don't what you're implying.
Oh, I think we know what's happening here.
I know what you did.
Well I'm an old lady.
(SIGHS) Sometimes I'm not even sure what's going to come out of me.
It's a wide open road It's a wide open road So how do you think it feels Sleeping by yourself When the one you love, the one you love Is with someone else Then it's a wide open road It's a wide open road REPORTER: (ON RADIO) Two southbound lanes closed in the Princes Highway at Kings Way due to a multi car crash.
It's just gone 8:00am.
Motorists are advised to exercise caution and try and remain patient.
(UNLOCKS DOOR) Hi.
- Hi.
- Morning.
- How you doing? - Good.
So, who else are we picking up for the carpool? Nobody else in marketing even mentioned it.
- Really? That is so typical.
- Yeah.
You'd think at least one other person would've signed up.
- So it's just you and me? - Yeah.
Is that a problem? Yeah.
Yeah, that's a problem.
Well There must be hundreds of people that live near us.
Does no-one else care about their carbon emissions? - Right? - Yeah! - People.
- It's like I'm the only one - that got a flyer under my door.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And what sort of loser would I have to be to contrive a carpool club and design and print out one flyer and put it under one person's door? Yeah, just to end up with someone alone in your car! (LAUGHS) I know, right? That'd be Smile! - What's that? - #carpoolclub.
Oh.
Cool.
That way if I turn up murdered, people will know it was the guy in the creepy white van.
Why do people always say white vans are creepy? You wouldn't say that about a black van or a yellow van.
Don't make this a race thing.
Everyone knows that kidnappers and psychos drive white vans.
Well, if everyone knows that psychos drive white vans, then a real psycho wouldn't buy a white van, would he? He'd, like, go for something more inconspicuous, like a hatchback or a Prius, so then he could drive around stalking whoever he wanted without anyone making the assumption he was going to do anything psychopathic.
How do you know so much about how psychos think? REPORTER: Eastbound lanes have reopened on the M4 after an earlier car breakdown approaching Stubbs Street.
Traffic starting to flow again now, so not as bad a day as we'd thought.
So (EXHALES) .
.
to get a job in the warehouse now, you've got to pass a psychometric test.
And they got the usual questions, you know - "Do you make your bed in the morning?" "If you stub your toe on an inanimate object, "do you yell at the object?" - OK.
- And now they got one "If you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be?" Huh! That's weird and difficult.
Yeah, well, I've put some thought into it and I reckon I'm like a Royal.
My tough chocolate exterior takes a bit of biting into but once you do, you find a pleasant-tasting marshmallowy soft centre.
Yeah, but you're not like a Royal.
Are you a fucking authority on me now, are you? No, no - I'm just yet to see this pleasant-tasting marshmallowy soft centre, and I've known you since primary school.
Yeah, but it's not like we actually hung out.
No, but we're hanging out now.
Alright, alright.
Settle down, Neddy.
The DUI charge left me with no choice.
Yeah, but you could've got a lift with anyone at work.
Yeah, but you were the only one that said they'd pick me up from mine.
Well, I guess I was just curious to see if you'd changed.
- Were you curious about me? - Nah.
- Really? - I have vague recollections of you.
You know what? Maybe you're like an Iced VoVo - sweet but inconsequential.
That's actually offensive.
Alright, Neddy No-Friends, maybe you're a Gaiety.
I'm not a Gaiety.
And I have no problems with Gaieties.
I'm just not one.
Look at this.
It's like an accordion.
Get Botox, then.
I can't get Botox.
- Mums Hub keeps telling me - - I need to be a positive role model.
- I literally just watched you go through a red light.
Just promise me you'll actually try at school so you can get a good job you enjoy, not get stuck working in bubble wrap, wondering if you're ever going to get a lay.
L la Love.
And commitment.
It's like looking into a mirror of my own past, before the regrets.
And the heroin.
OK, you once had a puff of a joint laced with heroin and we've been hearing about it ever since.
I need you to get a qualification, Moosh.
- For me or for you? - For me! And you'd have a safety net when the singing thing doesn't work out.
Sorry - if.
- I spoke to the careers counsellor.
- Good! And what did she say? She thinks I can be the next Courtney Barnett.
- Never heard of him.
- Great.
(PHONE BEEPS) That Vijay? - Want to talk about it? - Not really.
Oh, come on, Moosh.
Aren't I the cool mum? - Your friends say that.
- They're being sarcastic.
- Elsa's mum is the cool mum.
- Really? Didn't know it was so cool to cheat on your husband.
What? With the principal.
In the janitor's nook.
Besides, I did have friends at school.
- Oh, yeah? Who? - Josh Lindsay.
Never heard of him.
You pinned him down and you shaved a dick into the back of his head.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Josh "I'm not lonely" Lindsay.
Yeah.
Wasn't the nicest thing to do, was it? Oh, I was doing it for the guys, mate.
I remember weighing up the hurt Josh would feel against the joy my mates get out of it and in the end, joy won.
What can I say? I'm a people's person.
Hey, what about that time you gave that kid an atomic wedgie for a full five minutes? Did you weigh up the hurt that kid would feel against the joy your mates would get out of it? Nah, I just did it.
Fuck.
Poor little bugger.
(LAUGHS) It was fuckin' funny, though.
- (LAUGHS) Was it? - Yeah.
(LAUGHS) 'Cause that was me.
Yeah.
You, uh you strangulated one of my testicles and I had to get it removed.
I've had kids since then, so I guess it's a moot point.
But still REPORTER: We do have an accident - it's in Smithfield on the Cumberland Highway at Sturt Street.
That one's affecting northbound traffic.
Let's practise for your job interview.
- Have you prepped? - - Um, well uh, yes and no.
I am wearing a bra.
So, that's a good thing.
- And um, oh, I'm practising my listening face.
- - Last night I was like, "Hey.
" - Yep.
God, I don't know if that's listening.
That's flirting face, but listening face is close to that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
OK.
I'll help you.
Uh Where do you see yourself in five years? - Not telling.
- OK.
What's your greatest weakness? I would have to say my lower back.
Yeah.
OK.
What about strengths? Very kind.
- OK.
- A very generous lover.
You need to rethink some of these answers.
I've got to say I'm an introvert.
I've got to say you are definitely not.
No, I took a quiz last night, you know, on BuzzFeed and it tells you if you're an introvert or an extrovert and what kind of Mexican dessert you are.
Well, that sounds like a legitimate quiz by a very academic institution, but just in case that, you know, Kosciuszko's not paying people to pretend to be introverts, how about we just go with being who you really are? - OK.
- OK.
Cool.
Um Why should we hire you? You shouldn't, unless you're desperate.
This isn't a joke, Talia.
We need you to get this job so we can save up to open the yoga wine bar.
Namaste And Chill.
I thought of that last night.
Namas That's what we should call it! Namaste And Chill.
Or Come For A Drink, Namaste For Sex.
(CHUCKLES WRYLY) No, it's called Cabernet Savasana.
- We'll see.
- We won't.
- We might.
- OK.
- What's the bitch's name? - Who? That's Bar No, Barney's new girlfriend is Daisy.
Alright? Alright, Barney? Don't forget that.
When you get down to business, you can't forget their name.
He's not gonna get down to business.
Barney's never been interested in the one-two how'd-you-do.
Ohh Come on.
It's all they think.
He's a dog.
Apart from, like, a can of Chum, I mean, all they're thinking about is bloody rooting.
Nah, not Barney.
His mind is on higher things.
And the only reason you are breeding him is because you and Eric are dysfunctional.
- No.
- There's a name for that.
It's called pet proxy.
I read it in the Women's Weekly.
- Oh, it is not pet proxy.
- Yep.
It's not like I'm living my life through Barney and we're having children through Barney.
He's a very beautiful-looking dog and someone wants to breed with him.
- It's because you're dysfunctional.
- But we're not dysfunctional.
(SCOFFS) You're about as functional as a plastic steak knife.
How can you say you're functional when you've been together five years and he still shakes your hand? - He still introduces himself to me.
- It's polite.
And he hasn't moved anything into your house - not even a sock.
You've never liked him.
I just want you to meet someone lovely before I die.
Set a date for that yet, have you, Mum? You will miss me when I'm gone.
You're gonna outlive us all.
Be lucky to live till next Christmas at the rate I'm drinking.
(SIGHS) I want to talk about my body after I die.
(SIGHS) God, you're always banging on about death.
Well, listen, son, if you can't face death, how can you handle life? That's what my darling Uncle Rebus used to say.
Is that Uncle Rebus who shot himself in the face? Yeah.
Took a while to recognise him, you know - identify the body.
Anyway, what am I doing with your body? My preferred option is to be heated and turned into a diamond.
That would set you back about 25.
25,000 to be heated and turn into a diamond? Yeah.
And that way you can wear me.
Put me on a chain round your neck or in a ring.
It'd be lovely.
And when you're not wearing me, pop me in the safe.
Heat you up and turn you into a diamond and then just wear you out and about? Where would you like me to take you, Mum? To a nice show.
And how would you like how would you like that? Should I hold you up to watch the show? You could get a pierced tongue and put me in You know what's that for, don't you? That's for pleasure.
- Well, you're gay.
- Hang on a minute.
Hang on.
Mum, you've really got to think about this.
That means I put you in a diamond in my tongue as I'm maybe pleasuring another ma.
- What are you doing? - It's a beautiful idea, son.
It's not a beautif So you'll always be with me? - Yes.
- Do you swallow, Mum? That's i Pardon? Sor Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've gone too far, Mum.
I just You're in my mouth.
You're in a diamond.
I went a little bit too far there.
I'm sorry.
REPORTER: OK, we've got an update on the Eastern Creek situation.
All lanes are now open on the northbound ramp.
It's 9:00am.
Enjoy the work day and drive carefully.
It's just gone 5:00pm.
The M5 East tunnel has reopened following an overheight truck approaching the entrance.
Try and have a safe drive home.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello, Kerry.
Is that you? MAN: No.
Sorry.
Uh, my name's Davis.
I'm the employee welfare counsellor from Kosciuszko.
Yeah, Davis, I'm not in the mood.
I was informed your reaction to the offer of redundancy today was not positive.
Oh! Well, you've been informed correctly, haven't you?! - Well, I'm I'm here to give you tools - to transition into this new chapter and show you there are exciting potential opportunities ahead of you.
Like, exciting but So exciting, isn't it? Exciting potential opportun Did you not hear? They think I'm redundant.
Redundant.
That mean Lukas no good no more! If you could see past the immediate shock Yeah, look, the only thing I see at the moment is diversity cocks and PC warriors! I mean, there's no chance they're going to promote a middle-aged white man anyway.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Uh, promote? OK, look, just because I look like I'm part of the boys club I mean, oh, wow, I don't fit the homosexual stereotype 'cause I'm a little bit rough around the edges.
I mean, unless of course, you know, homosexuality has .
.
well, it's entered the mainstream now, has it? Um, no.
I think we're still a minority.
Got nothing to show.
Nothing to show for 16 years at this business.
You know why? This is why - because I'm, like, not a one-legged Muslim lesbian.
Oh, no! I need a fucking drink.
Well, that's a good idea.
Why don't you call a friend and? Actually, I think I've got something down here.
Hang on.
Wait.
Wait, you can't drink in the car.
Here we are.
I-if you drink while driving, I'm going to have to hang up.
Well, I'll save you the trouble, yeah? (DISCONNECTS CALL) And three people in my department are so worried about whether Amazon's taking over, they've all taken stress leave.
Stress leave! Clearly they don't have enough work to do.
- Why don't you take some stress leave? - Because I'm not stressed! Sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Sounds like you could do with a drink.
Yeah.
Or better yet, a shag.
Well, that's I'm supposed to be seeing this guy tonight.
- Like a friend? - Swipe right kind of friend.
We've hooked up a couple of times.
Oh, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool.
So, what's his deal? What's what's he like? He's alright.
You know, full-on.
Hate that.
What do you mean? Tall, dark, handsome, rich.
I think he's a CEO.
- Sounds absolutely unbearable.
- And he works out.
Oh.
So he's vain.
Oh, at least he doesn't dye his hair to make himself look younger.
I don't dye my hair.
Plugs? What? No, this isn't This is my natural Pull it.
You can pull it.
It's my (LAUGHS) Taking the piss.
I think you've got great hair.
- I love your hair.
- Thanks.
Oh, I can't take all the credit.
It's mostly genes.
- But I do have this sea salt spray - I think he's getting serious.
Oh, right.
I mean, who actually wants to be in a relationship? Who wants to be a couple and surrender their identity? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Are you married? Me? No, no, no, no.
I am I am not married.
I'm totally single.
Totally available.
But I'm the same.
I'm like, "Relationships?" (SCOFFS) I'm too busy anyway.
Trying to focus on my work at the moment.
Deliveries? No, my real work - painting.
- Painting houses? - Painting paintings.
Oh! Cool.
You're an artist.
I was going to be a concert pianist but they wanted me to cut my nails and that was a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make.
(CHUCKLES) Don't they get in the way when you're - Masturbating? - .
.
typing? REPORTER: The M4's struck again.
Traffic's backed up right onto Parramatta Road.
When they asked me if I had any special skills, I said I could pogo stick indefinitely.
I told you to practise for the interview.
That is a stupid thing to say, and a lie.
It's not a lie, actually.
I can pogo stick indefinitely.
I have, like, a really strong core.
If I didn't need food or water or, like, to go to the bathroom, I could just keep going.
OK.
Well, what did they say? They said, "Talia, we don't know how to tell you this, "but you got the job.
" You got it?! I got the job! Aaaahh! Yes! BOTH: Third eye.
Dab, dab.
Namaste.
Yes! This means we can save up for Cabernet Savasana twice as fast.
Well, not twice, because your salary would be lower than mine, obviously, but, like, heaps faster! Yeah, the pay is bigger than I expected.
It's so important that you just remember to listen to me at all times when we're at work, 'cause I know we're friends but I've been there longer than you and I'm heaps more senior.
Does it really matter who may or may not have a higher position than the other person? It's just a job title.
Job title there means everything, and while we're at work, you have to adhere to the system.
- We all do.
- I'm glad you feel that way, because, um I wish I wasn't the one who had to tell you this but, um, I have actually been hired as your area supervisor.
- Aaahh! Third eye! - Dab, dab.
Namaste.
- You're my supervisor? - Yes.
I've been there for seven years.
And as your supervisor, I am grateful for your commitment.
You're not even qualified! You didn't even practise for your interview! Why would they give it to you?! Actually, I had some really good ideas in the interview of changes to kind of make within the company.
Like, I actually had the idea that maybe we should pay people per box they pack instead of per hour, so to just, like, hurry up the lazy ones.
What? That's what I always say to you! Oh, I thought it sounded familiar.
- You stole my idea.
- OK.
I was not the one who wanted to get a job.
You wanted me to get a job.
Because I wanted to help you, not have you cut my grass! OK, Simoni, this is about Cabernet Savasana, alright? Or are we just gonna forget about our dreams and become Kosciuszko wage slaves? You're right.
You're right.
Thank you for making me remember what's important.
You're welcome.
But as your supervisor, I'm going to have to ask you to get that temper under control.
First warning.
- Is this Gary? - No-one.
"Very much enjoyed our chance encounter the other day.
"You haven't changed a bit since university.
Dinner?" Who's this? Shakespeare? What's with all the fully spelt words and the punctuation? Is this his first-ever text? I think correct spelling and grammar is a turn-on.
Please don't say 'turn-on'.
So, was Gary a massive nerd at university? All I can remember about uni is that I didn't finish it.
Because of the heroin? FYI, Mia, guys who are cool in their 20s don't have jobs in their 40s, whereas nerds have jobs.
Look at this guy.
He'll be cool across all eras.
- He just sent you that? - Mm-hm.
We don't like to be this far apart.
Well, if you learn to drive, you could be closer.
Yeah, he doesn't believe in it.
- Yeah, I'm waiting until - - I can afford an electric car.
- - Until then, I'll only ride-share.
- No worries, Vijay.
- Go back to listening to your music.
- Oi, next left! It's heaps quicker.
Yeah, I do this trip twice a day, Vijay.
Left here, through the parking lot, and OK.
Uh, you missed that one.
It's fine.
There's a laneway up here on your left.
Left.
Go left.
(SIGHS) Shit, Miss D.
You totally fucked that.
(PHONE BEEPS) "How about dinner and a movie? "Gary loves spy thrillers.
" Oh, great - he talks about himself in the third person.
That's a massive red flag.
That's OK.
Bridget doesn't mind.
REPORTER: All southbound lanes on the M7 near Eastern Creek are now open after that persistent grass fire Macca, could you, um could you put your pants back on? No can do.
Jess and I are trying to have kids and I've got to keep my balls cool.
Promotes sperm production.
Cold nads make lads.
OK, that's actually disgusting and not even scientifically proven.
Oh, shush, mate.
Anyone in I get offered a redundancy? No.
I think it's just sales and marketing at the moment, then they'll look at I and warehouse down the track.
It's a fuckin' stitch-up.
You'll be fine.
They're always going to need forklift drivers.
Nah, I don't wanna get the arse 'cause I'll have nowhere to wank.
What? Well, the missus works home so I can't wank at home.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Hang on.
You wank at work? Yep, and today was a two-wank day.
Normally just have the one but, you know, I'm pretty fuckin' stressed so I had to rub out two - one at morning tea and one after lunch.
What? Am I led to believe you do not partake in this behaviour, Neddy? No, I do not partake in that behaviour.
- Are you serious? - Are you? Mate, you don't know what you're missing out on.
It's the best way to let go of all the shit you build up after going home each fuckin' night.
Really? Because I find going home each night actually relieves stress.
And, you know, I get to watch TV with Anna and the kids, design my apps.
Yeah, well, it's also good for productivity.
Like, if I clear a whole row of packaging within a certain time frame, I have a little wank to celebrate.
Yeah, but isn't that a false economy? Because the time you save by working quickly would presumably be eaten up by wanking.
Yeah, you're right.
My life's fucked.
(LAUGHS) What? No-one's saying that.
No.
At school, everyone looked up to me and now I'm just some goon rubbing one out during coffee breaks.
No way.
Hey, no.
Hey.
Listen, you've got a you've got a beautiful wife, you've got a nice house, a job where you can wank.
No, no, no.
I got to reboot this shit.
Stop the car.
No, hang on, hang on, hang on.
I'll just I'll drive you home.
No, just fuckin' stop the car.
I'm finding it hard to breathe.
Just stop the car.
I need to have a fuckin' drink.
Alright, alright.
Just keep breathing.
- You can have a drink when - Just stop the car, mate! - Stop the fuckin' car! - I'm stopping.
- Stop the car! - I'm stopping! Macca, don't Fuckin' fuck off! Mate (SLAMS DOOR) (HORNS HONK) Macca, you forgot your pants! (PHONE RINGS) - Kerry, is that you? - Yeah.
Alright.
How'd Barney go? Did he chuck one up her? Mate, Daisy's giving off so much heat, I could toast marshmallows off her arse, yet Barney won't go near her.
Toasting marshmallows off her What why don't you just manually stimulate him? I've got better things to do than stroke your mongrel's lipstick.
Maybe he's a knob gobbler like his old man.
Oh, excuse me.
Thank you very much.
Or maybe she's a bogan like her old lady.
Bit of trailer park trash going on there, yeah? Mate, you can take your poofy pooch and (BARNEY WHINES) What's happening? Kerry, if you touch one hair on that dog's head He's alright.
He he's up and (TYRES SQUEAL) Fucking hell! I just hit a man with no pants! Are you gonna drop me off first? You, then Barney, then me.
OK.
Doesn't seem fair, really, does it? I'm going to the doctor.
Barney's going to a sex party.
I don't trust good news.
Every silver cloud has a black lining.
Come on, Mum.
- You could be looking at the new - .
.
the new bloody Pacific sales manager at Kosciuszko.
They're looking for someone experienced, energetic yet confident.
Doesn't sound like you at all.
That's exactly what I am.
Sounds more like your brother.
You're more of a timid - self-deprecating tinkerer.
- Tinkerer? What is a tin? That sounds I'm a fiddler or something.
A tinkerer? Anyway, thanks once again for filling my cup with such confidence.
If you prefer lies, just say so.
Well, I would rather the lies, Mama.
(SNIFFS) Oh, is that (SNIFFS) Eugh.
- It was Barney.
- Was it Barney, was it? OK.
Barney, that was very You're a very bad dog, Barney.
What a very bad human-smelling fart you just did then.
- No, don't scold him, love.
- Yeah, I wasn't.
That was a pretend scolding 'cause I know that wasn't him.
I know what Barney's farts smell like, Mum.
I don't what you're implying.
Oh, I think we know what's happening here.
I know what you did.
Well I'm an old lady.
(SIGHS) Sometimes I'm not even sure what's going to come out of me.
It's a wide open road It's a wide open road So how do you think it feels Sleeping by yourself When the one you love, the one you love Is with someone else Then it's a wide open road It's a wide open road REPORTER: (ON RADIO) Two southbound lanes closed in the Princes Highway at Kings Way due to a multi car crash.
It's just gone 8:00am.
Motorists are advised to exercise caution and try and remain patient.
(UNLOCKS DOOR) Hi.
- Hi.
- Morning.
- How you doing? - Good.
So, who else are we picking up for the carpool? Nobody else in marketing even mentioned it.
- Really? That is so typical.
- Yeah.
You'd think at least one other person would've signed up.
- So it's just you and me? - Yeah.
Is that a problem? Yeah.
Yeah, that's a problem.
Well There must be hundreds of people that live near us.
Does no-one else care about their carbon emissions? - Right? - Yeah! - People.
- It's like I'm the only one - that got a flyer under my door.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And what sort of loser would I have to be to contrive a carpool club and design and print out one flyer and put it under one person's door? Yeah, just to end up with someone alone in your car! (LAUGHS) I know, right? That'd be Smile! - What's that? - #carpoolclub.
Oh.
Cool.
That way if I turn up murdered, people will know it was the guy in the creepy white van.
Why do people always say white vans are creepy? You wouldn't say that about a black van or a yellow van.
Don't make this a race thing.
Everyone knows that kidnappers and psychos drive white vans.
Well, if everyone knows that psychos drive white vans, then a real psycho wouldn't buy a white van, would he? He'd, like, go for something more inconspicuous, like a hatchback or a Prius, so then he could drive around stalking whoever he wanted without anyone making the assumption he was going to do anything psychopathic.
How do you know so much about how psychos think? REPORTER: Eastbound lanes have reopened on the M4 after an earlier car breakdown approaching Stubbs Street.
Traffic starting to flow again now, so not as bad a day as we'd thought.
So (EXHALES) .
.
to get a job in the warehouse now, you've got to pass a psychometric test.
And they got the usual questions, you know - "Do you make your bed in the morning?" "If you stub your toe on an inanimate object, "do you yell at the object?" - OK.
- And now they got one "If you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be?" Huh! That's weird and difficult.
Yeah, well, I've put some thought into it and I reckon I'm like a Royal.
My tough chocolate exterior takes a bit of biting into but once you do, you find a pleasant-tasting marshmallowy soft centre.
Yeah, but you're not like a Royal.
Are you a fucking authority on me now, are you? No, no - I'm just yet to see this pleasant-tasting marshmallowy soft centre, and I've known you since primary school.
Yeah, but it's not like we actually hung out.
No, but we're hanging out now.
Alright, alright.
Settle down, Neddy.
The DUI charge left me with no choice.
Yeah, but you could've got a lift with anyone at work.
Yeah, but you were the only one that said they'd pick me up from mine.
Well, I guess I was just curious to see if you'd changed.
- Were you curious about me? - Nah.
- Really? - I have vague recollections of you.
You know what? Maybe you're like an Iced VoVo - sweet but inconsequential.
That's actually offensive.
Alright, Neddy No-Friends, maybe you're a Gaiety.
I'm not a Gaiety.
And I have no problems with Gaieties.
I'm just not one.
Look at this.
It's like an accordion.
Get Botox, then.
I can't get Botox.
- Mums Hub keeps telling me - - I need to be a positive role model.
- I literally just watched you go through a red light.
Just promise me you'll actually try at school so you can get a good job you enjoy, not get stuck working in bubble wrap, wondering if you're ever going to get a lay.
L la Love.
And commitment.
It's like looking into a mirror of my own past, before the regrets.
And the heroin.
OK, you once had a puff of a joint laced with heroin and we've been hearing about it ever since.
I need you to get a qualification, Moosh.
- For me or for you? - For me! And you'd have a safety net when the singing thing doesn't work out.
Sorry - if.
- I spoke to the careers counsellor.
- Good! And what did she say? She thinks I can be the next Courtney Barnett.
- Never heard of him.
- Great.
(PHONE BEEPS) That Vijay? - Want to talk about it? - Not really.
Oh, come on, Moosh.
Aren't I the cool mum? - Your friends say that.
- They're being sarcastic.
- Elsa's mum is the cool mum.
- Really? Didn't know it was so cool to cheat on your husband.
What? With the principal.
In the janitor's nook.
Besides, I did have friends at school.
- Oh, yeah? Who? - Josh Lindsay.
Never heard of him.
You pinned him down and you shaved a dick into the back of his head.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Josh "I'm not lonely" Lindsay.
Yeah.
Wasn't the nicest thing to do, was it? Oh, I was doing it for the guys, mate.
I remember weighing up the hurt Josh would feel against the joy my mates get out of it and in the end, joy won.
What can I say? I'm a people's person.
Hey, what about that time you gave that kid an atomic wedgie for a full five minutes? Did you weigh up the hurt that kid would feel against the joy your mates would get out of it? Nah, I just did it.
Fuck.
Poor little bugger.
(LAUGHS) It was fuckin' funny, though.
- (LAUGHS) Was it? - Yeah.
(LAUGHS) 'Cause that was me.
Yeah.
You, uh you strangulated one of my testicles and I had to get it removed.
I've had kids since then, so I guess it's a moot point.
But still REPORTER: We do have an accident - it's in Smithfield on the Cumberland Highway at Sturt Street.
That one's affecting northbound traffic.
Let's practise for your job interview.
- Have you prepped? - - Um, well uh, yes and no.
I am wearing a bra.
So, that's a good thing.
- And um, oh, I'm practising my listening face.
- - Last night I was like, "Hey.
" - Yep.
God, I don't know if that's listening.
That's flirting face, but listening face is close to that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
OK.
I'll help you.
Uh Where do you see yourself in five years? - Not telling.
- OK.
What's your greatest weakness? I would have to say my lower back.
Yeah.
OK.
What about strengths? Very kind.
- OK.
- A very generous lover.
You need to rethink some of these answers.
I've got to say I'm an introvert.
I've got to say you are definitely not.
No, I took a quiz last night, you know, on BuzzFeed and it tells you if you're an introvert or an extrovert and what kind of Mexican dessert you are.
Well, that sounds like a legitimate quiz by a very academic institution, but just in case that, you know, Kosciuszko's not paying people to pretend to be introverts, how about we just go with being who you really are? - OK.
- OK.
Cool.
Um Why should we hire you? You shouldn't, unless you're desperate.
This isn't a joke, Talia.
We need you to get this job so we can save up to open the yoga wine bar.
Namaste And Chill.
I thought of that last night.
Namas That's what we should call it! Namaste And Chill.
Or Come For A Drink, Namaste For Sex.
(CHUCKLES WRYLY) No, it's called Cabernet Savasana.
- We'll see.
- We won't.
- We might.
- OK.
- What's the bitch's name? - Who? That's Bar No, Barney's new girlfriend is Daisy.
Alright? Alright, Barney? Don't forget that.
When you get down to business, you can't forget their name.
He's not gonna get down to business.
Barney's never been interested in the one-two how'd-you-do.
Ohh Come on.
It's all they think.
He's a dog.
Apart from, like, a can of Chum, I mean, all they're thinking about is bloody rooting.
Nah, not Barney.
His mind is on higher things.
And the only reason you are breeding him is because you and Eric are dysfunctional.
- No.
- There's a name for that.
It's called pet proxy.
I read it in the Women's Weekly.
- Oh, it is not pet proxy.
- Yep.
It's not like I'm living my life through Barney and we're having children through Barney.
He's a very beautiful-looking dog and someone wants to breed with him.
- It's because you're dysfunctional.
- But we're not dysfunctional.
(SCOFFS) You're about as functional as a plastic steak knife.
How can you say you're functional when you've been together five years and he still shakes your hand? - He still introduces himself to me.
- It's polite.
And he hasn't moved anything into your house - not even a sock.
You've never liked him.
I just want you to meet someone lovely before I die.
Set a date for that yet, have you, Mum? You will miss me when I'm gone.
You're gonna outlive us all.
Be lucky to live till next Christmas at the rate I'm drinking.
(SIGHS) I want to talk about my body after I die.
(SIGHS) God, you're always banging on about death.
Well, listen, son, if you can't face death, how can you handle life? That's what my darling Uncle Rebus used to say.
Is that Uncle Rebus who shot himself in the face? Yeah.
Took a while to recognise him, you know - identify the body.
Anyway, what am I doing with your body? My preferred option is to be heated and turned into a diamond.
That would set you back about 25.
25,000 to be heated and turn into a diamond? Yeah.
And that way you can wear me.
Put me on a chain round your neck or in a ring.
It'd be lovely.
And when you're not wearing me, pop me in the safe.
Heat you up and turn you into a diamond and then just wear you out and about? Where would you like me to take you, Mum? To a nice show.
And how would you like how would you like that? Should I hold you up to watch the show? You could get a pierced tongue and put me in You know what's that for, don't you? That's for pleasure.
- Well, you're gay.
- Hang on a minute.
Hang on.
Mum, you've really got to think about this.
That means I put you in a diamond in my tongue as I'm maybe pleasuring another ma.
- What are you doing? - It's a beautiful idea, son.
It's not a beautif So you'll always be with me? - Yes.
- Do you swallow, Mum? That's i Pardon? Sor Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've gone too far, Mum.
I just You're in my mouth.
You're in a diamond.
I went a little bit too far there.
I'm sorry.
REPORTER: OK, we've got an update on the Eastern Creek situation.
All lanes are now open on the northbound ramp.
It's 9:00am.
Enjoy the work day and drive carefully.
It's just gone 5:00pm.
The M5 East tunnel has reopened following an overheight truck approaching the entrance.
Try and have a safe drive home.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello, Kerry.
Is that you? MAN: No.
Sorry.
Uh, my name's Davis.
I'm the employee welfare counsellor from Kosciuszko.
Yeah, Davis, I'm not in the mood.
I was informed your reaction to the offer of redundancy today was not positive.
Oh! Well, you've been informed correctly, haven't you?! - Well, I'm I'm here to give you tools - to transition into this new chapter and show you there are exciting potential opportunities ahead of you.
Like, exciting but So exciting, isn't it? Exciting potential opportun Did you not hear? They think I'm redundant.
Redundant.
That mean Lukas no good no more! If you could see past the immediate shock Yeah, look, the only thing I see at the moment is diversity cocks and PC warriors! I mean, there's no chance they're going to promote a middle-aged white man anyway.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Uh, promote? OK, look, just because I look like I'm part of the boys club I mean, oh, wow, I don't fit the homosexual stereotype 'cause I'm a little bit rough around the edges.
I mean, unless of course, you know, homosexuality has .
.
well, it's entered the mainstream now, has it? Um, no.
I think we're still a minority.
Got nothing to show.
Nothing to show for 16 years at this business.
You know why? This is why - because I'm, like, not a one-legged Muslim lesbian.
Oh, no! I need a fucking drink.
Well, that's a good idea.
Why don't you call a friend and? Actually, I think I've got something down here.
Hang on.
Wait.
Wait, you can't drink in the car.
Here we are.
I-if you drink while driving, I'm going to have to hang up.
Well, I'll save you the trouble, yeah? (DISCONNECTS CALL) And three people in my department are so worried about whether Amazon's taking over, they've all taken stress leave.
Stress leave! Clearly they don't have enough work to do.
- Why don't you take some stress leave? - Because I'm not stressed! Sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Sounds like you could do with a drink.
Yeah.
Or better yet, a shag.
Well, that's I'm supposed to be seeing this guy tonight.
- Like a friend? - Swipe right kind of friend.
We've hooked up a couple of times.
Oh, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool.
So, what's his deal? What's what's he like? He's alright.
You know, full-on.
Hate that.
What do you mean? Tall, dark, handsome, rich.
I think he's a CEO.
- Sounds absolutely unbearable.
- And he works out.
Oh.
So he's vain.
Oh, at least he doesn't dye his hair to make himself look younger.
I don't dye my hair.
Plugs? What? No, this isn't This is my natural Pull it.
You can pull it.
It's my (LAUGHS) Taking the piss.
I think you've got great hair.
- I love your hair.
- Thanks.
Oh, I can't take all the credit.
It's mostly genes.
- But I do have this sea salt spray - I think he's getting serious.
Oh, right.
I mean, who actually wants to be in a relationship? Who wants to be a couple and surrender their identity? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Are you married? Me? No, no, no, no.
I am I am not married.
I'm totally single.
Totally available.
But I'm the same.
I'm like, "Relationships?" (SCOFFS) I'm too busy anyway.
Trying to focus on my work at the moment.
Deliveries? No, my real work - painting.
- Painting houses? - Painting paintings.
Oh! Cool.
You're an artist.
I was going to be a concert pianist but they wanted me to cut my nails and that was a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make.
(CHUCKLES) Don't they get in the way when you're - Masturbating? - .
.
typing? REPORTER: The M4's struck again.
Traffic's backed up right onto Parramatta Road.
When they asked me if I had any special skills, I said I could pogo stick indefinitely.
I told you to practise for the interview.
That is a stupid thing to say, and a lie.
It's not a lie, actually.
I can pogo stick indefinitely.
I have, like, a really strong core.
If I didn't need food or water or, like, to go to the bathroom, I could just keep going.
OK.
Well, what did they say? They said, "Talia, we don't know how to tell you this, "but you got the job.
" You got it?! I got the job! Aaaahh! Yes! BOTH: Third eye.
Dab, dab.
Namaste.
Yes! This means we can save up for Cabernet Savasana twice as fast.
Well, not twice, because your salary would be lower than mine, obviously, but, like, heaps faster! Yeah, the pay is bigger than I expected.
It's so important that you just remember to listen to me at all times when we're at work, 'cause I know we're friends but I've been there longer than you and I'm heaps more senior.
Does it really matter who may or may not have a higher position than the other person? It's just a job title.
Job title there means everything, and while we're at work, you have to adhere to the system.
- We all do.
- I'm glad you feel that way, because, um I wish I wasn't the one who had to tell you this but, um, I have actually been hired as your area supervisor.
- Aaahh! Third eye! - Dab, dab.
Namaste.
- You're my supervisor? - Yes.
I've been there for seven years.
And as your supervisor, I am grateful for your commitment.
You're not even qualified! You didn't even practise for your interview! Why would they give it to you?! Actually, I had some really good ideas in the interview of changes to kind of make within the company.
Like, I actually had the idea that maybe we should pay people per box they pack instead of per hour, so to just, like, hurry up the lazy ones.
What? That's what I always say to you! Oh, I thought it sounded familiar.
- You stole my idea.
- OK.
I was not the one who wanted to get a job.
You wanted me to get a job.
Because I wanted to help you, not have you cut my grass! OK, Simoni, this is about Cabernet Savasana, alright? Or are we just gonna forget about our dreams and become Kosciuszko wage slaves? You're right.
You're right.
Thank you for making me remember what's important.
You're welcome.
But as your supervisor, I'm going to have to ask you to get that temper under control.
First warning.
- Is this Gary? - No-one.
"Very much enjoyed our chance encounter the other day.
"You haven't changed a bit since university.
Dinner?" Who's this? Shakespeare? What's with all the fully spelt words and the punctuation? Is this his first-ever text? I think correct spelling and grammar is a turn-on.
Please don't say 'turn-on'.
So, was Gary a massive nerd at university? All I can remember about uni is that I didn't finish it.
Because of the heroin? FYI, Mia, guys who are cool in their 20s don't have jobs in their 40s, whereas nerds have jobs.
Look at this guy.
He'll be cool across all eras.
- He just sent you that? - Mm-hm.
We don't like to be this far apart.
Well, if you learn to drive, you could be closer.
Yeah, he doesn't believe in it.
- Yeah, I'm waiting until - - I can afford an electric car.
- - Until then, I'll only ride-share.
- No worries, Vijay.
- Go back to listening to your music.
- Oi, next left! It's heaps quicker.
Yeah, I do this trip twice a day, Vijay.
Left here, through the parking lot, and OK.
Uh, you missed that one.
It's fine.
There's a laneway up here on your left.
Left.
Go left.
(SIGHS) Shit, Miss D.
You totally fucked that.
(PHONE BEEPS) "How about dinner and a movie? "Gary loves spy thrillers.
" Oh, great - he talks about himself in the third person.
That's a massive red flag.
That's OK.
Bridget doesn't mind.
REPORTER: All southbound lanes on the M7 near Eastern Creek are now open after that persistent grass fire Macca, could you, um could you put your pants back on? No can do.
Jess and I are trying to have kids and I've got to keep my balls cool.
Promotes sperm production.
Cold nads make lads.
OK, that's actually disgusting and not even scientifically proven.
Oh, shush, mate.
Anyone in I get offered a redundancy? No.
I think it's just sales and marketing at the moment, then they'll look at I and warehouse down the track.
It's a fuckin' stitch-up.
You'll be fine.
They're always going to need forklift drivers.
Nah, I don't wanna get the arse 'cause I'll have nowhere to wank.
What? Well, the missus works home so I can't wank at home.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Hang on.
You wank at work? Yep, and today was a two-wank day.
Normally just have the one but, you know, I'm pretty fuckin' stressed so I had to rub out two - one at morning tea and one after lunch.
What? Am I led to believe you do not partake in this behaviour, Neddy? No, I do not partake in that behaviour.
- Are you serious? - Are you? Mate, you don't know what you're missing out on.
It's the best way to let go of all the shit you build up after going home each fuckin' night.
Really? Because I find going home each night actually relieves stress.
And, you know, I get to watch TV with Anna and the kids, design my apps.
Yeah, well, it's also good for productivity.
Like, if I clear a whole row of packaging within a certain time frame, I have a little wank to celebrate.
Yeah, but isn't that a false economy? Because the time you save by working quickly would presumably be eaten up by wanking.
Yeah, you're right.
My life's fucked.
(LAUGHS) What? No-one's saying that.
No.
At school, everyone looked up to me and now I'm just some goon rubbing one out during coffee breaks.
No way.
Hey, no.
Hey.
Listen, you've got a you've got a beautiful wife, you've got a nice house, a job where you can wank.
No, no, no.
I got to reboot this shit.
Stop the car.
No, hang on, hang on, hang on.
I'll just I'll drive you home.
No, just fuckin' stop the car.
I'm finding it hard to breathe.
Just stop the car.
I need to have a fuckin' drink.
Alright, alright.
Just keep breathing.
- You can have a drink when - Just stop the car, mate! - Stop the fuckin' car! - I'm stopping.
- Stop the car! - I'm stopping! Macca, don't Fuckin' fuck off! Mate (SLAMS DOOR) (HORNS HONK) Macca, you forgot your pants! (PHONE RINGS) - Kerry, is that you? - Yeah.
Alright.
How'd Barney go? Did he chuck one up her? Mate, Daisy's giving off so much heat, I could toast marshmallows off her arse, yet Barney won't go near her.
Toasting marshmallows off her What why don't you just manually stimulate him? I've got better things to do than stroke your mongrel's lipstick.
Maybe he's a knob gobbler like his old man.
Oh, excuse me.
Thank you very much.
Or maybe she's a bogan like her old lady.
Bit of trailer park trash going on there, yeah? Mate, you can take your poofy pooch and (BARNEY WHINES) What's happening? Kerry, if you touch one hair on that dog's head He's alright.
He he's up and (TYRES SQUEAL) Fucking hell! I just hit a man with no pants! Are you gonna drop me off first? You, then Barney, then me.
OK.
Doesn't seem fair, really, does it? I'm going to the doctor.
Barney's going to a sex party.