St. Denis Medical (2024) s01e12 Episode Script

1
Medical tech supervisor to ICU.
Medical tech supervisor to ICU.
Okay, go! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PARTY WHISTLE TRILLS]
- ALL: Happy birthday!
Guys, guys, come on.
Don't make a big deal just 'cause
it's my birthday, bitches!
Yeah! [LAUGHTER]
Uh, I'm looking for my husband.
They said he was brought here
after the gas station fire.
Oh, yes. I'm, uh, so sorry.
Let me I'm
I'm gonna turn this off.
Um
Oh, this is my jam!
Come on, ladies.
Let's get in position.
Excuse me. My husband was in a fire.
I'm sorry. What?
How do the buttons on this work?
He was in a fire.
Oh, yeah, you do, girl.
Get it. [LAUGHS]
So we have a new policy
here at the hospital.
No more Bluetooth speakers
on the floor, okay?
They've abused the privilege.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Well, Mr. Carter, your tests
have come back negative
on all the usual respiratory infections,
so we're in rare disease territory now.
Oh, wow.
[LAUGHS] Exciting, right?
Should should I be worried?
Nah, worrying causes stress,
which impedes the immune system
not what you need right now.
Now, my mind goes right to hantavirus,
but it could be diphtheria or plague.
Ooh, dengue.
- These all sound terrifying.
- [CAT MEOWS]
I know. [LAUGHS]
You'll be fine.
Excuse me.
Is that a cat in there?
Yeah, uh, Jasper's my
emotional support animal.
Oh, that's fun. So fun.
Um, and you have the paperwork
to prove that's a real thing?
I do.
- Good.
- He he's probably thirsty.
Could I get a small dish
of water for him?
Room temp is fine.
Of course.
Okay, not her. There's another. Not her.
Okay, here's a big group.
Not her. Not her. Not her.
- Matt. Matt.
- Yep.
Maybe just warn me when it is Serena.
- Okay?
- Oh, sure.
I guess that could work.
Yeah, Serena and I always go
big for each other's birthdays.
It's just kind of this
fun thing between us.
Surprise! Happy birthday!
But this year, I did
something pretty special.
For weeks, I have been
working on this video.
I mean, it's really more
like a short film, you know?
It's, like, pictures and clips
and special effects, so
So like a slideshow?
Yeah, like a slideshow.
Oh, here comes Ron.
Okay, again, only if it's Serena.
Yeah. Everybody's dressed the same.
- It's confusing.
- Yeah, I know.
What's all this for?
It's Serena's birthday.
Ah.
I better fire up the old excuse machine,
get me out of whatever
nonsense she has planned.
Didn't you get the email?
We're all going to O'Malley's.
Yeah, hence the bling.
Ooh.
A woman's necklace?
No, it's a it's a chain.
It's a cool man's chain.
Yeah, I didn't get anything.
Oh.
Well, I mean, she
she knows you hate stuff
like this, so she you know.
- I do.
- Yeah.
Well, it saves me having
to come up with some backstory
about this uncle died
or that uncle died.
Right.
I have lost 37 uncles so far this year.
[CHUCKLES]
It's an epidemic.
Yeah.
Well, enjoy your woman's necklace.
It's it's a chain.
Pretty pumped about
Serena's birthday drinks.
I hit up the mall,
got a chain and some new jeans.
The sales lady called
them boyfriend jeans,
which I think is a good sign.
Oh, also, I downloaded
a Spotify playlist
called Top Hits since I'm not familiar
with the latest music.
I hope they play
"We Don't Talk About Bruno."
That is kind of my new jam. [LAUGHS]
Cats are cold, selfish,
and judgmental. [LAUGHS]
I can't think of a worse support animal.
Well, what about porcupines, right
with those sharp quills?
Thanks for the support. Ow.
I guess that would
also be bad, wouldn't it?
Or a dolphin.
Can you imagine wheeling
that tank around?
Splish, splash. Not for me.
You know, I think
you're missing the point.
Nope, I've got it giraffe.
How would that work?
What, I gotta raise the ceiling
to even get him in here?
Oh, I'll just go pull some permits.
[LAUGHS] What a headache.
Yeah, I don't think anyone's bringing
an emotional support giraffe
into this hospital.
Devastated I missed
the context for this.
Expanded labs for patient Carter.
All right.
Oh, well, well, well.
Schweitz, camera, action.
I'm I'm sorry, the bubonic plague?
Incredible, isn't it?
But, like, the plague, plague?
You know, let's just
keep our voices down, okay?
Yersinia pestis, the black death.
Bring out your dead! Right?
- "Monty Python."
- Oh, my God.
You know what? It's really not that bad.
I think "Monty Python"
was playing up the grimness
for the comedy, you know?
Oh, yeah, you'll be fine.
500 years ago, you'd have been screwed,
but we've got antibiotics now.
Yeah, there is one side effect, though.
It's so rare,
the doctor who diagnoses it
gets quite a bit of press, you know.
I have to call my family.
As do I, my friend. As do I.
No, I think we need to keep
this between us for right now.
What? Why?
I don't wanna cause widespread alarm
- if I don't have to.
- [SIGHS]
Oh, hey, everybody,
come on down to St. Denis.
We've got great doctors, comfy beds,
and just a little touch
of the black death. [LAUGHS]
That's an ad that would convince no one.
Hey, can you make sure the guy in 109
gets heparin at 6:00?
Nope. I'll be at O'Malley's.
You mean Serena's thing?
I thought that was close friends only.
I think she invited
pretty much everyone.
You're not coming?
No, I didn't get roped into that.
[LAUGHS] Luckily.
Luckily, I did not get roped into that.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
We remember
I almost used "Closing Time,"
but I think we used it for Dale
the security guy's funeral.
Oh, this was the right call.
You should try "YMCA" by
the "Despicable Me" minions.
Have you heard that track?
No, I'm an adult, so
Lots of adults like the minions
- Gru
- Hey, guys, listen.
If we talk, we're gonna miss it, okay?
- So let's
- Yeah.
♪
[BEEPING]
Keith!
No microwave. It's a birthday.
But it's ramen. I need to
Eat it dry, Keith!
♪
I'm treating myself
to whatever snacks I want
this morning because today is my 50th.
Yup, half a century.
Feels big.
♪
[CRUNCHING]
♪
Hmm. [LAUGHS]
Can you believe that was five years ago?
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh. I guess it has been five years.
Mm-hmm.
- Can't believe it.
- [CHUCKLES]
♪
Remember [LAUGHS]
Remember when Bruce came in in shorts,
and he had razor burn all over his legs?
Yeah, that was funny.
That was really funny.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh!
Here we go.
Abscess supercut.
Abscess supercut
Oh, man. [LAUGHS]
Abscess supercut [LAUGHS]
Keith.
Shh.
♪
Now, it's crucial we do
some contact tracing.
We've gotta figure out where
you picked up the plague.
Okay, can we call it
something else for right now?
- How about the giggles?
- Sure.
Have you been in any
flea-infested dwellings
or touched any open, festering wounds
that could have given you the giggles?
No, I don't think so.
Can we not call it the giggles?
Well, what else is fun?
I'm not married to the giggles.
Well, hold on. What's that, uh, scratch?
- Where'd you get that?
- Oh, uh, Jasper.
I thought it'd be cute to put
a little lime helmet on him.
He did not agree.
I'm sorry, lime helmet?
You peel half a lime,
put it on his head.
He looks like a little general.
Right, and and he's
telling you to do this?
No, this has gotta be it.
Cats can carry the plague.
We'll test to confirm, but I
think our friend Jasmine here
Jasper.
Well, pretty sure you said Jasmine.
- Mm-mm-mm.
- You did. I know what I heard.
- Be careful, Bruce.
- It's fine.
He's very friendly.
Yeah, you just said
he scratched you, so
- Just need a quick swab.
- [CAT MEOWS]
- Oh!
- Oh, Jasper!
Where'd he go?
- Jasper, come back!
- Go get him!
Could have used some
lime shackles, am I right?
[CHUCKLES]
No, that is a problem, though.
I can't believe you let
that disgusting thing get out.
Oh, relax, Joyce. It's just a dumb cat.
- We'll find it.
- Oh, excuse me.
Hayseed. Come here, come here.
You grew up on a farm, right?
It was more of a homestead.
The idea was, when the secular
world destroyed itself
Yeah, but you know
how to deal with cats?
The animal or, like, a cool man?
No, we have a cat running
around the hospital
that probably has the plague.
- What?
- Yeah.
Me-ouch, right?
But for real, it's pretty bad.
We gotta track it down.
Okay, I guess I could help.
Oh, thank you. Oh.
I have that same necklace.
Chico's?
Claire's.
We had a ton of animals
around the compound.
No cats.
My grandpa had this thing
about cats hypnotizing men
and turning them into perverts,
but I still think I could track it.
Plus, it'd be pretty nice
walking into Serena's party
as the guy who knows all the top hits
and captured the plague cat.
Pathology technician to Pathology.
Pathology technician to Pathology.
It was a little long, I know.
Huh?
The video was a little long.
I director's cut is coming, okay?
No, it was great.
I loved it.
Okay.
Are you all right?
You just seem kind of off.
No, I'm good.
Seriously.
Love you. Love the video.
Oh, she hated it.
How do I know?
Because that's the exact voice she used
when I got baby bangs.
And she was right too.
I looked like Lord Farquaad.
Second call, Dr. Jennings.
That's too many words on that poster.
Mm-hmm.
And on another note,
the sentiment is insane.
Shh.
I'm trying to get ahead
of a narrative here.
There's a cat running around
loose, and he's got the plague.
I'm sorry the bubonic plague?
What? No!
[WHISPERING]
Yes, whispered at this level.
[NORMALLY] Ugh, my whole day is screwed.
Tell Serena I'm not gonna be
able to make it to her party.
I'm trying to stave off
a medieval outbreak.
Wait, hold up.
Serena invited you to her party?
No, my feelings are not hurt,
but it's part of the social contract.
You invite me, I say no.
Then when I'm chilling
at my house, it's by choice.
It feels nice.
Okay, so the cat is
most likely in zone A or B
or possibly somewhere else.
I could probably track its
movements by looking for scat.
They used to call me Scat Matt.
All right, enough
with the scat, all right?
I say we place cans
of Meow Mix Original Choice
at various points of egress and ingress.
Now, that includes
air vents, trash chutes.
- Is that him?
- [CAT MEOWS]
- That's him! I did it.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
[MONITOR BEEPING]
I was a travel nurse before this.
I worked the ER in Miami, Vegas.
I planned to stay at St. Denis
six months max.
This town has one sushi restaurant
and one Greek restaurant.
And it's the same restaurant.
Patient Services, pick up 105.
Hey. Whatcha looking at?
Oh, just an old
travel nurse friend, Madison.
She's going all over the world.
Oh, God.
That would destroy my intestines.
Okay, uh, gifts continue.
- What?
- There you go.
God, thanks.
It's tickets to Kacey Musgraves.
No way!
That's amazing!
Wow.
That's, like, in six months.
Yeah. What, do you got plans?
Nope.
I'm sure I'll just be here.
Thanks.
I mean, I'm just confused at this point.
I thought she liked Kacey Musgraves.
I know she likes getting drunk
in parking lots.
So what's the problem?
$300.
Tim's gonna kill me.
Okay, okay.
Uh, all right.
Actually, you know what?
You you approach slowly, and
I'll field marshal from here.
It's just a title, Matthew.
Lose the ego. Come on.
- Here you are.
- Shh, shh!
Oh, you found it.
Okay, Matt, go.
- Yeah.
- Go.
Hi. Okay.
Move! What's the problem?
She's old and sleeping.
It feels weird to just reach
in her lap without consent.
Ronan Farrow is not
at the hospital today.
Just grab the damn thing!
Hi, I'm Matt.
- [SCREAMS]
- Hello!
I'm a nurse! I work here!
I'm sorry!
What the hell, Matt? You're losing him!
[LAUGHS]
I could really cut it up.
[LAUGHS]
I'm, uh, watching a video of myself
at my friend's wedding.
Boy, I let loose that night.
You're watching a video of yourself?
Well, someone sent it to me.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Who?
You wouldn't know him.
He's a private person.
You know, I was thinking,
you and I are probably
the most fun people in this department.
Did you ever think about that?
Not really.
Boy, I tell you what.
If you and I were ever in the
same place at the same time,
boy, that would be pretty dope.
I don't know next weekend
or this weekend
or tonight?
Madison's doing caviar bumps naked
at a Halfmoon party in Ko Pha-ngan.
And a 68-year-old man just asked
if I wanna go "cut it up" sometime.
What the hell happened to me?
This is what it must have
been like in the old days, huh?
Two cowboys out on the plains,
hunting for food.
Buffalo Bruce and Matty the Kid.
Well, you've ruined it.
So what's the plan?
We just sit here and wait?
This could take all night.
Yeah, so what if it does?
You got plans? Let's see, it's Tuesday.
Is that your
Masturbators Anonymous meeting?
No, I don't.
I just wanna get
to Serena's party on time.
I wanna be there with her
for for her.
Matty.
Matty the Kid, are you crushing?
Oh, you are.
- You're crushing hard.
- No, I'm not.
Don't. Come on.
Not to Bruce.
Okay, yeah, a little.
Okay.
You know, it's actually pretty sweet.
And I get it, man.
Look, me and Serena had a thing once.
What? When did you two date?
Well, we didn't date, per se, but, um
So you hooked up?
It was more of an energy thing.
Okay, so then nothing's
ever happened between you?
Look, the point is, I'm
giving you my blessing, okay?
That should be enough.
I realize I'm just stuck
here doing the same things,
going to the same bar every week.
And it sucks! It's my birthday.
I should be having fun today.
Yeah, totally.
Birthdays are supposed to be special.
And today is my 50th
Can something be about me
for, like, one second?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for apologizing.
Well, it's like I always say.
If you want something done right,
you gotta do it yourself.
Ugh. Leslie, help me here, please.
- I'm eating my lunch.
- Ugh.
Well, do you have something
that can help me find a cat,
like facial recognition or something?
Sure, just hit that button
that says Find Cat.
Ugh, okay, your attitude is not helpful.
Oh, Labor and Delivery still has
their Christmas decorations up.
I've told them to take
them down three times.
Make a note of that.
And why is this patient trying
to put our pillow into his bag?
This isn't Pottery Barn.
Okay, now, where is this cat?
Wait, why is Heather crying?
Oh, yeah.
You know, she was
having an affair with a dude
from her Pilates class,
and she got pregnant.
What?
And she wants to leave her husband,
but the dude from the
Pilates class, he's not down.
He's one of those rolling stone,
like, oh, I just go with the energies.
- Oh, my God.
- But that's what keeps her
coming back.
Oh, my God. How do you know all this?
I don't; I just like making up stories
'cause it's boring as hell here.
Well, you have a gift.
Here, kitty, kitty.
All right.
So you didn't wanna wait for Musgraves.
The best I can do
is Third Eye Blind tickets
two Thursdays from now, all right?
But I need to know soon
because I already listed
the Kacey tickets on StubHub,
and I'm really taking a bath there.
Yo, crazy lady,
what are you talking about?
You clearly hated
your birthday gifts, all right?
So I'm just trying to figure you out.
I finally know how men feel.
Just tell me what you want.
Okay, calm down.
The birthday gifts are great.
I'm just in my head
'cause I've been here
way longer than I planned
and my life is basic.
What?
Aw, babe, why didn't you tell me?
But maybe that's who I am now.
I live in Oregon.
I'm gonna marry some cookie-cutter dude,
pump out a couple of rando kids,
and die, like,
in a wheat field or something.
I gotta go round.
So Serena didn't hate my gifts.
She's just scared that her life
is gonna turn into a nightmare.
A nightmare that is the
exact description of my life,
minus the wheat field.
I'll probably die
in a Marshall's or something.
[KEYS JINGLING]
So I was thinking, and, um,
I might be getting
a little tired of Oregon.
[SCOFFS] Aren't we all, sister? [LAUGHS]
Right, but that's why
I might wanna go, like,
work abroad for a year and then see
where that takes me, you know?
[GASPS] Cat!
[CAT PURRS]
- [PANTING]
- Oh!
I don't know why I did that.
I don't know why you're harping on this.
I'm not harping on it.
I'm just saying, I don't understand why
I need your blessing
if you two never dated.
Okay, I'm this close
to revoking my blessing.
Dr. Schweitz and Nurse Matt,
we need you in Zone B.
- There's a threat.
- Go! Go, go, go, go!
- There's a threat in Zone B.
- Out of the way!
No, move! Move!
All right. Where's the cat?
Over there!
All right.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Hey!
- I'll give it back.
Okay, nice and steady.
- [CAT MEOWS]
- Easy does it.
Hey, kitty, kitty.
We're not gonna bite.
Aww, he's so cute.
Don't touch it!
It has the bubonic plague!
What? [PEOPLE CLAMORING]
[BLEEP], you spooked Jasmine.
- Jasper.
- He said Jasmine!
Right, there's no need to panic!
- Ron, shut the doors!
- On it!
Take your time, Ron.
I didn't engineer the damn door!
- Oh!
- Matt! Around!
We'll be trapped inside with it!
It's not the alien from "Alien," Keith.
There's no need to panic!
Keep screaming that. It's helping.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
- Oh!
- Ooh!
- Oh, whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
- Can I have my blanket back?
- All right, Serena, you're up.
What do I do? What do I do?
- Don't get me. It's my birthday.
- [CAT HISSES]
Give me that!
[PEOPLE EXCLAIM] I got him!
- Matt!
- Attaboy, Matty.
Don't let him get you!
He's getting me! He's getting me!
- [CAT SNARLS]
- Oh, yeah.
- It's really getting him.
- Ow. He's so strong.
Yeah, I, uh, caught the cat.
Feels pretty good.
Scratches sting a little,
and I almost certainly
have the bubonic plague,
but just another crazy day
in the life of Matty the Kid.
[BLOWS SHARPLY] Ah.
I can't believe you just held on to him
while he was scratching you.
Ah, just the plague.
- No biggie.
- Yeah.
Hey, it's lucky you had on
that chastity necklace.
It probably protected your throat.
Bruce, it's a normal chain.
It's not a chastity necklace.
There's no lock. Doesn't make sense.
Well, I think the chain looks sick.
Very gender-bendy.
Oh. Okay.
What's going on here?
Oh, we bailed on O'Malley's.
We felt bad ditching Matt when
he got the plague for us, so
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, I guess I should go.
Uh, hey, uh, Serena!
- Uh, Ron says he's leaving.
- What?
No, you've gotta stay. It's my birthday.
Let's cut it up.
You heard the lady.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
But my uncle Maurice, uh, has
run out of treatment options.
I need to be by his side.
But, um, happy birthday, girl.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, birthday beans.
I'm sorry, I cut you off earlier.
What were you saying?
Oh, no, it was nothing.
All good.
You know, I realized all of
Madison's pictures are selfies
because she doesn't have many friends.
And it shoved me.
And I could go travel and
have some wild experiences,
but my people are here.
I mean, I talk to Alex
more than my actual family.
And Matt straight up
saved me from the plague.
Thanks.
So yeah, this is where
I'm supposed to be.
This place still has some surprises.
Blah, blah, blah.
Why are you still
talking to these nerds?
Smile, birthday girl.
Ee!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Whoa, what are you all doing he
is this for my birthday?
I thought you all forgot.
- [SCOFFS] No.
- We would never.
[LAUGHS] Well, obviously,
it's for you, Keith.
- Yeah.
- Happy birthday!
All right, guys. Keith's here.
- Happy birthday!
- What?
I thought it was your birthday, Serena.
Okay, um, well, we all chipped in
and and got you this.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Aw, thanks, everyone.
- Okay.
Happy birthday, buddy. Whoo! Come on.
- Hey, happy birthday, Keith!
- Aw.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
They thought of me, hon.
Yeah, they even got me
Kacey Musgraves tickets.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I don't know who he is either.
But I can't wait to find out.
Do you want to come with me?