Star Trek: Deep Space Nine s01e10 Episode Script

The Nagus

Jake, I've got a terrific surprise for you.
Oh, yeah? What is it? We are going to Bajor for the Gratitude Festival.
- What's the Gratitude Festival? - The biggest Bajoran holiday of the year.
Major Kira says it's spectacular.
While we're there we can visit the fire caverns you want to see.
- Great.
When do we leave? - This afternoon, after school.
- For how long? - Three days.
Three days? Computer, orange juice.
- Dad, do I have to go? - No, not if you don't want to.
Thanks, Dad.
- Nog and I have plans for tomorrow.
- What kind of plans? An Andorian freighter is due in tomorrow.
An Andorian freighter? It's carrying a shipment of those new antigrav tractors.
- We're hoping we'll get to see one.
- Let me get this straight.
You would rather hang around with Nog than visit Bajoran fire caverns with the old man? Nog's my friend.
No need to thank me, madam.
Here at Quark's, customer satisfaction is our primary concern.
You run along back to the dabo table.
Rom, that lady tells me she misplaced a fat currency pouch.
- Yes, brother? - And you found it.
- Yes, brother.
- And you returned it to her intact.
- I was dazzled by her beauty.
- You worthless, tiny-eared fool.
What's the first Rule of Acquisition? Say it.
"Once you have their money, you never give it back.
" Exactly.
You can ponder its meaning while polishing every rail in the place.
Get out of my sight before I toss you out an airlock.
Nog! Is this what they teach you at that human school? Sloth and indolence? - No, Father.
- We'll see about that.
Tonight, you'll polish every rail in the place until they sparkle.
Is that clear? Yes, Father, tonight.
Every rail.
And so the Andorian says, "Your brother? "I thought it was your wife.
" Get it? "Wife " Had to think about that one, didn't you? - I'm looking for Quark.
- You found him.
I'm Krax and this is my father, Grand Nagus Zek.
Is the Grand Nagus here on business or pleasure? - Is there a difference? - No, of course not.
My father will reveal why he is here when he sees fit.
As for now, he desires the use of a holosuite.
He's heard that your programmes are quite alluring.
They are! But they may prove a touch energetic for his advanced years.
- Are you refusing his request? - Not at all.
Is there a particular activity he'd like to sample? The Nagus dislikes choosing between so many delightful possibilities.
In that case Here's a list of five programmes that are my personal favourites.
I'd be happy to select one for him.
That won't be necessary.
The Nagus has decided to try all five.
Sorry I'm late.
The transporter in Ops needed an adjustment in its upper molecular imaging scanner.
But never mind that.
All right, let's settle down.
Let's settle down! Jake! Nog! Nog! Thank you.
Now, we only have two more weeks to get through before Mrs O'Brien returns from Earth, so that shouldn't be too difficult, right? Let's get out our homework padds.
We'll begin with the older students.
Your last assignment was to write an essay defining "ethics".
Let's start with Nog.
- I don't have my essay.
- Why not? - My padd was stolen.
- Is that a fact? Any idea who stole it? It happened at Quark's.
I put it on a table and there were Vulcans nearby Hold on.
You're saying Vulcans stole your homework? - Yes, sir.
- Any idea why? Because they don't have ethics? All right, that's enough.
It's the truth.
Ask Jake.
He was with me.
Go on.
Tell him.
I guess so.
You guess so? He Yeah.
They took it.
I was there.
I want that essay in tomorrow.
Is that understood? - Yes.
- I hope so.
Did the Nagus mention how long he'd be using the holosuite? - He'll be done when he's done.
- What if he's injured? My father left instructions not to be disturbed.
- Are you suggesting we disobey him? - Forget I said anything.
The Grand Nagus, here under our roof.
- I'm so proud! - I hope you can live on pride.
That's all we'll have once he's through with us.
He's here to take over the bar? Why else would he come here? To buy me out for a fraction of what the place is worth.
- You could refuse to sell.
- Why didn't I think of that? Idiot! The Nagus doesn't take no for an answer.
Good programme.
- My father requires rest.
- I would imagine.
Please feel free to use my own brother's quarters for as long as you're with us.
That should be satisfactory.
Is there anything else I could do to make your stay pleasant? Invite me to dinner.
I'd be honoured.
Chief, airlock nine is jammed again.
I'll get a crew on it immediately.
Ensign Jonas? - How's school? - We'll muddle through, though I'm counting the days till Keiko gets back.
Are the students giving you a hard time? Kids love to take advantage of a substitute teacher.
I always did.
- I hope Jake's behaving himself.
- He's a fine lad, sir.
- It's just - Just what? If he were my son, I'd find a friend for him other than Nog.
That's easier said than done.
They've become inseparable.
I'd find a way to separate them, sir.
That Nog's a bad influence.
I appreciate the advice, but I trust my son.
Besides, it would become me versus Nog and I won't force Jake to choose.
- Why not? - Because I'd probably lose.
- I doubt that, sir.
- That's because your daughter's three.
Wait until she's 14.
Are you sure? My compliments, Quark.
These tube grubs are chilled to perfection.
Did I say I was finished? Please, help yourself.
I ran into your cousin Barbo recently.
Barbo? I thought he was still in that Tarahong detention centre.
- They finally released him.
- How fortunate.
He told me how you sold those defective warp drives to the Tarahong government.
Very clever.
It was nothing.
The Tarahongians are incredibly gullible.
He also told me how you betrayed him and left him behind bars while you kept the profits.
The sixth Rule of Acquisition expressly states "Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
" I certainly never have.
I told you he had brains.
You've done very well for yourself, Quark.
Not that well.
Don't contradict your elders.
It's impolite.
I suppose I'm doing quite well at that.
It was a stroke of brilliance to open a bar so close to a stable wormhole.
He didn't know the wormhole existed! That's what makes it so impressive.
He had the instinct, the ears, to make the smart move before anyone else did.
You could learn from his example.
Boy! Can I go now? I have homework.
Did he say homework? There's a Federation school here run by a hu-man, a female.
And you allow your son to attend such a place? Nog, I never want you to go there again! Now go to your room.
And no studying.
My apologies, Nagus.
It's those Federation do-gooders - always sticking their ugly noses in other people's business.
Most distressing.
Yes, Nagus, most distressing.
- Yes, yes.
- Now, speaking of business Quark, I've come to ask a favour of you - one that would be very important to me.
- I need your bar.
- I knew it.
And your services as host for an important conference to be held here tomorrow at 9:00 sharp.
I would consider it a privilege.
And the purpose of this conference is? The future.
And for Ferengi business interests, the future is already here.
And its name is the Gamma Quadrant.
Ferengi transport Sepulo has put in at docking bay five.
That's the third Ferengi ship in 18 hours.
- Maybe it's Quark's birthday.
- Lock up the silverware.
We don't have to.
Sisko to Odo.
- Go ahead, Commander.
- About all of these Ferengi visitors I'm already on it.
- No, no, no! - Is something wrong? You can't seat Turot next to Hoex! They've been bitter rivals since Hoex bought out Turot in the cargo ports on Volchok Prime.
Rom! Change these seating arrangements immediately.
Quickly, before I toss you out the nearest airlock.
I thought you understood this was a private meeting.
Go away! We're closed! Go away! Shoo! Shoo! - What's the delay? - We await the Grand Nagus.
He better show his ears soon or I'm leaving.
No one leaves until the conference has concluded.
Still hiding in your father's shadow? The Nagus casts a very long shadow.
Careful you don't disappear in it! I see we're all here.
- Enough drinks.
- All right, I'm going.
No, you stay.
Me? Gentlemen, be seated.
Hey, Nog.
- Where were you? - I'm through with school.
- What do you mean? - I don't have to attend boring classes.
- Is this your father's idea? - It's the right decision.
- If you want, I'll talk to Mr O'Brien.
- No.
I don't belong there.
- Don't you want to learn things? - You mean like ethics? - And other stuff.
- You don't understand.
I'm a Ferengi.
For me, school is a waste of time.
- Why is that? - Because there's no profit in it.
- Why are you mad at me? - You're a stupid hu-man.
I don't know why I bother with you! I'm stupid? You're the one not going to school.
See if I care.
And lastly, I would like to salute Nava, whose takeover of the Arcybite mining refineries in the Clarus System is now complete.
I congratulate you all.
Profits are better than ever.
Nevertheless, it is becoming more and more difficult to find truly lucrative business opportunities here in the Alpha Quadrant.
And why? Because no matter where we go our reputation precedes us - a reputation tainted by the lies of our competitors, who spread the impression that we are not to be trusted.
But now, thanks to the discovery of the wormhole, for the first time, we can now avoid such falsehoods.
The Gamma Quadrant, gentlemen - millions of new worlds at our very doorstep.
The potential for Ferengi business expansion is staggering.
And best of all, no one there has ever heard the name Ferengi! Our reputation will be absolutely stainless.
- Our word can be our bond.
- Until we decide to break it! It'll be the good old days all over again! Who shall lead us in this endeavour? - My father.
- The Nagus.
- The Grand Nagus! Yes! Yes! - Nagus! I thank you for your confidence but I must decline the offer.
But, Father I'm old.
The fire dims.
I'm just not as greedy as I used to be.
Yes, you are, more so.
No, my mind's made up.
I've already chosen my successor.
A leader whose vision, imagination and avarice will oversee Ferengi ventures in the Gamma Quadrant.
The new Grand Nagus Quark! - He's a lobeless amateur! - Have you lost your mind? - I won't stand for it! - This is outrageous! Congratulations.
I know you'll do a wonderful job.
Oatmeal lumpy again? No, I'm just not hungry.
- Want to talk about it? - It's Nog.
- His father's pulled him out of school.
- I see.
It's not fair.
Nog can't even read.
School's not going to be fun without him.
You can still get together after school.
I don't think he wants to be my friend anymore.
- Did he say why? - Humans and Ferengis don't get on.
Usually they don't.
You always say that we should befriend other cultures.
I believe that and I'm glad you do.
But human and Ferengi values are very different.
We've never bonded.
So Nog goes his way and I go mine? These things happen.
How about after school, we play a little baseball? I can't.
I have something to do.
- Grand Nagus Quark.
- I love that.
I'm afraid we were never formally introduced.
- I am Gral, your new best friend.
- You wish to serve me? - I wish to protect you.
- Protect me? From those who are jealous and wish to take your place.
They can be very dangerous.
- How do I stop them? - Leave it to me.
I'm not going to allow anybody to harm such a grateful friend as yourself.
How grateful am I? You'll make sure I have my pick of the most lucrative Gamma Quadrant opportunities.
And if I refuse? You won't.
Nagus, I'm in desperate trouble.
So am I.
And please, call me Zek.
Now, which would you choose - Risa or Balosnee VI? - I don't quite follow.
- For my vacation! My first in 85 years.
I'm told, on Balosnee, the soothing harmonies of the tides can cause the most stimulating hallucinations.
But when I think of those voluptuous Risian females Nagus, please Gral just threatened my life.
So he's the first, is he? He won't be the last! What am I to do? You picked me.
You must have some advice.
To survive, you must surround yourself with loyal men.
- That's good.
- But not too loyal.
Never trust anyone who places your prosperity above their own.
- I see.
- And when in doubt, be ruthless.
I can do that.
Go on.
Zek? Zek? I didn't do anything! I don't know, Krax.
20 bars of gold-pressed latinum? I'll need to think about it.
- In a year, it'll be worth double.
- I'll take it.
You want me to be your bodyguard? Think of it as a promotion.
- But why me? - You're the only one left I can trust.
You're my closest associate, my friend, my brother.
But I thought since you'll be so busy being Grand Nagus, I could take over running the bar.
You? Run my bar? Not exactly overcome by grief, are we? This is a private funeral service.
You have my sympathies for your loss.
Nevertheless, when someone dies on my station there are questions that must be answered.
There was nothing suspicious about Father's death.
It was caused by a infection of the tympanic membrane.
Then you won't mind if I ask Dr Bashir to examine the body.
That would be difficult.
- What's this? - My piece of Zek.
When a Ferengi of my father's stature dies the body is vacuum-desiccated and sold as a prized collectible.
How touching.
- I know there's - I wonder - Go ahead.
- It wasn't important.
I guess humans and Ferengis don't have a lot to talk about.
- That's what my father says.
- Mine, too.
That doesn't mean they're right.
We always had stuff to talk about before.
So, what do you say - you still want to be friends? Yes.
When my father finds out, he won't be happy.
Neither will mine.
Come on, I have a great idea.
- What is it? - Come on.
So, what exactly does it mean becoming Grand Nagus? If you wish to speak to me you must first make an appointment with Rom.
Don't be ludicrous.
It is also customary to show respect by kissing my sceptre.
Huh! I suppose I could make an exception in your case.
See the discolouration around the impact perimeter? - That's sorium and argine.
- Aren't they Ferengi explosives? Exactly.
This is a Ferengi locator bomb, designed to lock on to pheromones.
- They're attracted to body odour? - Deadly and very accurate.
If Quark hadn't lowered his head - Commander.
- Yes, Doctor? I've given Quark an examination.
He's shaken up, nothing more.
It's time to chat with the Grand Nagus.
I'd be delighted.
When will you understand that we are trying to save your life! You're trying to interfere in Ferengi affairs, which are none of your concern.
- Now, look here, Quark - Uh-uh.
Grand Nagus Quark.
Those locator bombs are near foolproof.
Next time, you won't be so lucky.
The Grand Nagus does not ask for help from outsiders.
Whoever tried to kill you is counting on that.
You must have some suspicion.
- I'm suspicious of everybody.
- Who benefits from your death? Let's see.
That would have to be Krax.
If anything happens to me, Krax becomes Nagus.
True, but it was Gral who threatened you.
Threatened you? How? That's none of your concern.
Besides, Gral and Krax were at the funeral when the bomb went off, which means that neither of them could have set it.
Whoever planned this could have had an accomplice.
You're sure all of Zek's associates attended the funeral? Yes, they were all there.
This is getting us nowhere.
- What about Zek's servant? - You mean Maihar'du? Was he at the funeral? I don't recall seeing him there.
Do you? Now that you mention it, no, I don't.
Hupyrian servants are renowned for their devotion to their employers.
For Maihar'du not to have shown up at Zek's funeral is very odd indeed.
You were out pretty late last night.
- I was? - You came in after midnight.
I guess I got kind of busy doing stuff.
- What kind of stuff? - Nothing important.
Just hanging around.
- With Nog.
- We weren't doing anything wrong.
Then tell me all about it.
I can't.
It's private.
Private? I got to go.
I want you home for dinner.
Understood? Understood.
The thing is, Nagus, I feel I've done all I can in the field of gouge mining.
You wish to find profit elsewhere? - Yes, Nagus.
- Where would that be? I'd like the chance to introduce synthehol to the Gamma Quadrant.
A very lucrative opportunity.
Tell me, Nava, when Zek announced I was to succeed him, were you pleased? No, Nagus.
Did you come to me and offer your support? No, Nagus.
Yet now you call me Nagus.
But is it out of true friendship? No, you only pretend to show me respect so I will grant you this immense opportunity.
Which I'm willing to split with you - 50-50? In that case let's hope the Gamma Quadrant develops a taste for synthehol.
A very smart deal, Nagus.
I seem to have a knack for it, don't I? Yes, Nagus.
The rest will have to come back tomorrow.
All this benevolence wearies me.
- Yes, Nagus.
- As you wish, Nagus.
I think I'll head to the bar and check the receipts.
- Yes, Nagus.
- Yes, Nagus.
If he keeps handing out these choice opportunities he's going to become very popular.
We'll just have to come up with a new plan.
Something more reliable than a locator bomb.
Something that can't possibly fail to kill my dear brother.
Come in.
I was going to ask you to play Jokarian chess but you're just sitting down to dinner.
I sat down when Jake was supposed to be home.
Aubergine stew.
Looks delicious.
- So where's Jake? - Where else? With Nog? My own adolescence was difficult enough.
Surviving my son's will take a miracle.
Maybe it's time you had a little talk with Jake.
Children need to know their boundaries.
I've been a mother three times and a father twice.
Which was easier? I wasn't very successful either way.
Feel free to reject what I'm about to say, but if I were you, I'd find Jake and bring him here for his dinner.
You would? Absolutely.
Computer, locate Jake Sisko.
'Jake Sisko is in cargo bay 14.
' Thanks, old man.
- "There are four teen " - Fourteen.
- Planets - " planets in the Bajoran " - What's that word? - "System.
" - "System.
" - That was pretty good.
Want to try some more? "The lar largest planet is Bajor.
"It has three moons?" You got it! Keep going, keep going.
"The third moon, "it has " You clumsy idiot.
You want to strangle me? - My apologies, Nagus.
- Stop daydreaming.
- Pay attention to your work.
- Yes, Nagus.
- When do we leave? - As soon as you're ready.
I've always wanted to take a trip through the wormhole.
Still, it's odd Zek never mentioned that he'd travelled to the Gamma Quadrant, or that he opened negotiations with one of its worlds.
Negotiations that you will complete.
According to Krax, Stakoron II contains rich deposits of mizainite ore.
A very lucrative opportunity.
- Quark? - What now? About the bar You have so much, and I have so little Which is exactly how it was meant to be.
Let's not keep our new partners waiting.
Nagus, my father himself never looked more commanding.
Maybe it would be wise to take a dabo girl along with us.
Whatever for? A pretty woman by my side would add to my prestige.
Never underestimate the importance of a first impression.
One look at your imposing features, and the Stakoron negotiators will give us what we ask for.
All right.
If you really think I won't need her Believe me, you won't.
Shall we? This is an historic moment.
Nagus There must be some mistake.
There's no ship docked here.
Wait! Rom, you idiot! Krax, what are you standing there for? What's the matter with you two? Open the door! Do you hear me? Open up! - You must obey your Nagus! - You've just been voted out of office! Rom! Brother! Please! You were going to toss me out an airlock.
- I never meant it! - Well, I do.
" Nice name for a bar, don't you think? Enough talk.
Let's get this started.
Would you like to do the honours? Or should I? Let me out! Let me out of here! Please Release him! Nagus! You're alive! Well, Quark, looks like you needed my help after all.
Don't you recognize your father? - You died.
- I saw it happen.
I entered a Dolbargy sleeping trance.
But why? It was a test to see if you were ready to take my place.
And you failed miserably! But, Father, I am ready.
I am ready! You saw for yourself I was about to grab power! You don't grab power.
You accumulate it without anyone noticing.
But I don't understand.
The bar, you fool.
That was the key.
All visitors stopping by on their way to and from the wormhole.
You could have sat there quietly and gathered up information about the Gamma Quadrant.
What about him? He could have held the sceptre while you controlled everything.
When everything was running smoothly, you would take over.
- But, Father - I'm not interested in excuses! Go back to the ship.
We'll be leaving here shortly.
Yes, Father.
It's like talking to a Klingon.
I guess this still belongs to you.
It looks like I'll have to remain Grand Nagus long enough to establish a Ferengi presence in the Gamma Quadrant.
And I was really looking forward to retirement.
If I hear of any good Gamma Quadrant deals you'd be right for, I'll let you know.
You know where to find me.
You've done a very profitable job here.
Who knows, maybe one day I'll come back and buy it from you.
So, Rom you were going to toss me out an airlock.
- Forgive me, brother.
- Forgive you? Why, brother I didn't think you had the lobes.
Such wonderful treachery deserves a reward! I'm making you the assistant manager of policy and clientele.
What exactly does that mean? I don't know.
I just made it up.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
So what time tomorrow? As soon as you get out of school? Jake.
What are you doing here? I was waiting for you.
Dad You're a great boy, you know that? Now go be with your friend.