Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020) s02e08 Episode Script

I, Excretus

And repairs are complete.
Should we head back in?
Wow, would you look at that?
Captain, we just received
a distress call
from the Bakersfield.
They're caught in
a temporal causality loop.
Wait a minute, I'm getting
the same distress call again.
Hold on. And now again.
Sounds like a time loop all right.
We'd better hurry. Warp me.
A view like this makes you realize
it doesn't matter what deck you work on.
We're all in it together.
And they left us.
They left us.
How much oxygen do we have?
A lot, a little? Ballpark?
Oh, I'm sure they'll turn back
at any second
and we'll have a good laugh about it.
See, guys? We're laughing. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
There we go, nothing a little
lung rejuvenation won't fix.
See? You're fine.
Oh, yeah, act like it's not a big deal
that you left us to die in the void.
This all could have been avoided
if you'd followed protocol
and signed out your magnet boots.
Or maybe that wouldn't have
even mattered
since lower decks
are so expendable to you.
Ridiculous! We're all equals
on this ship, right?
- Uh, they sleep in a hallway.
- Oh.
I'm not going to argue
with you, Beckett.
I have to make impossible
life-and-death decisions every day.
Yeah, no kidding, it's always
our life or death.
Ditch the attitude!
A Starfleet drill instructor
is going to be testing
the crew later today,
and I don't need you
messing up our score
because you've got
a chip on your shoulder.
Oh, great, yeah, well,
I hope one of the drills
tests to see if anyone on the
bridge is a giant piece of
I heard the drill instructor's
You know they can split
their bodies into three parts?
- I thought I was a triple threat.
- Ugh.
Drills, what a waste of time.
I'd even take real work over
this, like fake pretend work.
Good morning, Cerritos!
This one is Shari Yn Yem,
your friendly Starfleet
drill administrator.
Like many of you, this one
started from the bottom,
but with hard work, and plenty
of drills, this one is now
at the top!
These simulator holopods are
each programed
with individualized drills based on
situations other Starfleet crews
have experienced.
Every pod has a certain amount
of points you can earn
for doing a good job.
Everyone's score is displayed
right here,
so you can see how you stack up
against your fellow crew.
Almost seems unfair to
make them compete with us.
Gonna be a piece of cake.
This one will be flipping your ranks.
Low-level officers will be
given command of the bridge,
while senior officers will be
placed on the lower decks!
Excuse me. What?!
Well, there's no better way to
evaluate a crew's readiness
than from the bottom up, Captain.
Or should I say, Ensign?
Oh, yeah! This rules!
I get to be senior medical officer!
Ooh, baby, I'm chief engineer!
Good day to you, Captain Boimler.
Good day to you, Captain Mariner.
They actually think
they're going to be able
to handle our jobs?
This is gonna be rich.
All right, deck 12,
follow the yellow line.
Move it along, lower decks.
Aw, son of a
All right, let's get into it.
I wanna rack up some points
early so I can spend
the rest of the day soaking
in my commander's tub.
- Mirror Universe Encounter.
- Mirror universe?
This is easy. Yeah. I can
pretend to be evil. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
As captain, you must infiltrate
the Terran Empire
and find a way back
to your own dimension.
Long live the Empire.
I love to hate. Whattup, Migleemo?
Ugh, nothing makes me hornier
than torturing someone.
I'm horny all the time.
And being horny always gets me
in the mood to torture.
You can lose a whole day to that cycle.
Okay, screw finding an ally,
let's take over the ship and see
if we can dismantle the
Terran Empire from the inside.
Deviation from mission parameters
results in loss of points.
Okay, all right, I get it, yeah.
You're not exactly rewarding creativity.
Who dareth bump into me?!
Oh, I dareth. I double-dog dareth.
Ah! Ooh!
Okay, good. Just checking.
I need to figure out a way
to impress or kill the captain
so I can get on a more sinister ship.
Long live the Empire.
Long live the wait,
did you just salute me
with your left hand?
Our Mariner is right-handed.
Uh, no, I just,
uh, I strained this shoulder
flogging a Vulcan.
Get her!
- Damn.
- Don't worry, Commander.
You'll have other opportunities
to get a-head.
That's one of my faves.
Medical ethics. Chief medical officer.
Your mission: navigate
a paralyzed Klingon's request
for an honorable death.
Oh, uh, okay.
You must help me kill myself.
I broke my back picking up a peanut.
Well, as head of medical,
I'm not supposed to do any harm.
Points deducted.
What? Oh. I guess in that case,
let's send you off to Sto-vo-kor.
No! You must use my ceremonial blade!
Ew. No. It'll be quick
and painless this way.
Points deducted.
Huh? I-I gotta hurt him?
You refuse to honor my culture?!
Oh, no, no, sir,
I-I wanna kill you, I
Just give me the knife. Aah!
Good God, what did you do?
This Klingon isn't dead.
I-I was trying to save him?
- What? Come on. Come on.
- Faster. Kill me. Kill!
We have to get this warrior
an honorable death, stat!
- Get me 300cc's of any type of poison.
- I have to die!
[bleep] They have giant hearts,
so many backup organs.
Sir, it's done. There's
nothing else we can do.
Damn it. Call it.
Time of life, 0900.
- Sorry.
- Fail.
Old West planet.
As captain, you must survive
a lawless frontier town
in Earth's 19th century.
But beware, for you are a wanted man
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Trapped in cowboy land.
It's a Starfleet classic. Yeehaw.
Just gotta find the saloon
What? I haven't even done
anything creative.
Oh, we have to ride the horses. Okay.
Seems kinda like a narrow
parameter for a drill.
Calm down, horses love me;
I'm a maverick.
Whoa! Aah!
Help! Aah! Ow! Bad horse.
The Good of the Many. Chief Engineer,
enter the chamber
and fix the warp core breach
to save the ship.
- Okey dokey.
- Sir, the radiation!
You can't go in there!
I have to, son. I'm chief engineer.
Ooh, that sounds so good.
Ow! Hot! Uh, maybe if I
Aah! Frickin' radiation.
Warp core breach imminent.
I know, computer.
But how am I supposed to Ow!
Wow, this really shouldn't be that hard.
Shut up, Ensign! Wait, my boot.
Warp core critical.
Ha-ha! Come on, come on.
Got it!
- Borg Encounter.
- Uh, could you be
a little more specific than that?
Resist the Borg.
Okay, you know what,
that's fine. I've read literally
everything about the Borg;
I've got this.
Wow, the detail on this is amazing.
We are Borg. Resistance is futile.
Whoa, this is so cool!
Oh, sorry. Please, keep going.
Do the thing.
We will add your biological
distinctiveness to our own.
You will be assimilated.
Can't have that.
All right, can't adjust the
frequency anymore Yoink.
Ooh. Oh.
Oh, an escape sphere.
Mission accomplished.
Oh, yeah! That's right.
Boimler's the Borg man.
Your score is 79%.
79? No, no, no, no, no,
I can do better than that.
- Can I restart?
- If you score below passing,
you will be locked out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hit me.
Come on, let's go.
We are
Come on, Borg baby, this time
you're coming with me.
I can do better.
Do it again. Hit me!
Naked Time?
As captain, you must save your crew,
who are under the influence of a virus
that reduces their inhibitions.
Oh, no, this is
that disease that made everyone
fight and have sex all over the place.
Can you resist your own
temptations and save the ship?
Come on, girl. Last one. You got this.
Wow, everyone's very slick
and sliding around.
Keep your hands to yourselves.
Hey, that's an anus!
- Oh.
- Ooh.
I can't tell where I end and you begin.
It's naked time!
Oh, fail me, fail me! Seriously,
why is this drill still going? Fail me.
Put me back in the Western!
Ugh, I failed every single drill.
At least you weren't
responsible for the destruction
of a whole ship.
All those life-and-death decisions,
I honestly don't know how
Dr. T'Ana does it every day.
Mmm. Computer, what is this?
That is pesto.
Where's Boimler? He lives
for this kind of spread.
Last I heard, he was still
doing his drill.
Yeah, right. I bet he
bombed out just like us
and he doesn't want to admit it.
We got your signal.
How were you able to
Just fly.
- 94%.
- Again.
Your score is already in the top ten
I said again!
It hurts me to say this, but
maybe the bridge crew's jobs are
actually harder than we thought.
Yeah, well, I'm sure right now
they're finding out
just how hard it is to do our jobs, too.
I almost forgot how easy being
a lower-decker is.
All I did was stand in the
back of a banquet all day.
I just waited in the transporter bay
in case anybody
needed to be transported.
Why did we ever rank up again?
So what if their showers
are a little cramped,
or their replicators can only make
one slice of pizza at a time?
A small price to pay for no worries
and no responsibilities.
Even these close quarters
don't bother me.
Yep, I could get used to this easy life.
Ow! What the [bleep]?!
Klingon Encounter.
Really? I think I know how
to handle one of those.
Ensigns, your mission is to
support your commanders.
Stop goofing around, Ensigns!
The ship's under attack!
- What happened?
- Don't worry about it. Get to work.
These crates aren't gonna
stack themselves.
Really? There are Klingons on
the other side of the hull,
and this is our job?
Aw, son of a
If they wanted us to stack these,
then why are they shaped like this?!
Quick! Have you seen
a Q come through here?
- Q is on the ship?
- Forget I said anything.
Commander, wait.
We're Starfleet officers.
We can help you, just tell us what's
The Jem'Hadar? Get to battle stations!
Damn it!
Aha! I got it.
Now that both sides have been
put through individual tests,
your last drill will be
a joint exercise:
a simulated experience
that uses your real bridge.
The true test of a crew is
seeing how you can
unite as a single team.
"Steal the Cerritos from spacedock
and use it to save Spock
on the Genesis planet."
- Okay, yeah.
- An oldie but a goodie.
And just what do you think
you're doing, Ensign Freeman?
Force of habit.
All right, look alive, people.
Yeoman Ransom,
let's get some fresh coffee on deck.
Yes, sir.
Ensign Freeman, full thrusters,
take us out.
Aye, Captain. 90 seconds to spacedock.
Ensign Shaxs, what are you doing?
Requesting permission to
stretch, Captain.
My back's killing me
from sleeping in those bunks.
Oh, it's naked time!
Ugh! No. Stop that. Stop now.
Geez, what's gotten into you?
It's-it's just something
I'm remembering from the drills.
The one where you couldn't even
get on a horse?
How do you know about that?
The drills are public, Beckett.
I watched the playback.
I'm just saying,
two and a half years of lessons
and that's what you had to show for it?
Congratulations, Ensign.
You've earned yourself
a trip to the brig.
I've never been sent to the brig.
- Well, now you have.
- On what grounds?
On my grounds!
Beckett, I am speaking!
Captain, did you want
your coffee with cream or
Dang. That's gotta be a record.
Actually, it is.
I can't believe we didn't even
make it out of the spacedock.
There's not even a numerical
score for that.
Just "incomplete."
Oof, somehow that feels worse.
- I guess I
- You know I
- Oh, you go.
- No, no, no, you.
You know, it's been so
long since I've been an ensign,
I forgot how hard it can be
when you're not in the loop.
In a lot of ways, taking orders
is the more challenging job.
That's nice to hear, but ditto.
Commander-level stuff is hard.
Just the constant tightrope
walk of protocol.
Not worth the pesto.
Guess the carpet's always grayer
- on the other side of the ship.
- Big-time.
Do they know what "stacked" means?
We're [bleep] stacking for what reason?
Hold on.
That's what this has all been about.
That drills consultant made us suffer
through all of this crap
just so we'd understand
what the other ranks go through.
That's the actual drill here.
Ugh, you're right!
Where is that
tri-bodied little trickster?
I want to shake her hand.
Yo, Shari Yingo Yango,
- we figured you out, girl.
- You did?
Yeah, these drills were
secretly about team building.
You came in to make us
appreciate each other more.
And it worked! Thanks to you,
the Cerritos crew will
move forward with greater empathy
and a deeper
appreciation for each other.
Oh, no, you won't be moving
forward at all.
What are you
What is she laughing about?
Oh, come on.
Your drills scores
are well below failing.
Once they're submitted,
Starfleet Command will
relegate and reassign this entire crew.
So this wasn't about teamwork?
Teamwork? No.
This was about saving my job.
The bigger ships always passed
my drills with no problem.
It was starting to seem like we didn't
need a drills program at all.
This one needed a crew to fall short
to prove the drills were still valuable,
and, oh, did I find a crew.
You targeted us for failure?
This is a ship whose captain
left four ensigns
on a spacewalk to answer
a distress call.
It was a pretty safe bet.
And, of course, it didn't hurt
to goose the drills a bit.
Oh, I knew it. That mirror
universe drill was rigged.
They were all rigged!
And those horses. I would never
get trampled by a horse.
Oh, actually, no,
the horses weren't rigged.
I ran out of time. That one's on you.
Horses love me. Shut up!
We won't let you get away with this.
Cerritos crew, we've got
to do more drills
- to get our scores up.
- It's too late.
Once the drills have been failed,
you're locked out.
Soon this one
will submit your final scores
to Starfleet, and that will be
the end of
Wait, shut up, the drills aren't over.
- One is still active.
- What? Which one?
- It's Boimler!
- How?
That Borg drill should've
been over hours ago.
Well, it doesn't matter.
One passing score will make
little difference.
- If the drills aren't finished
- Our scores aren't final!
Boimler, can you hear me?
Hey, Mariner, I was just about
to close out this drill.
- I finally got a perfect
- Don't you finish that drill, Ensign.
That's an order!
Captain, but I beat
the Borg Queen in chess,
- and I taught her empathy.
- Just stay in that drill!
The crew is counting on you.
Yeah, Shari Bing Bang
is trying to screw us,
but she can't until your drill is over.
- Just keep Borging!
- I'm on it.
Resistance is futile.
Aw, man.
You know you've already lost, right?
All you're doing is
torturing that young officer.
He'll be fine. He's one of our best.
- He is?
- None of you are the best.
You're on a California Class ship.
Most of the Federation
doesn't even know you exist.
The smaller the ship,
the tougher the crew.
Oh, please, face the truth.
This one's made the drills.
This one's read all about life
on starships.
Exactly. You've read
how to work in space,
but have you ever been in a real
life-or-death situation?
- That doesn't matter.
- It's about to.
Captain on deck! Real captain.
Ensign Tendi, run a long-range
scan for any potentially
hazardous anomalies in this system.
Yes, sir. Is this a new drill?
Oh, no, this is real.
What is that supposed to mean?
All right, let's see, we've got
a tetryon wormhole,
chroniton radiation stream.
Ooh, a loner crystalline entity,
a crystalline entity
consuming a rogue planet,
a couple crystalline entities
getting frisky huh.
Lots of, lots of
crystalline entities today.
Must be crystalline entity
season or something.
Ensign, set an intercept course
for one of those crystalline entities.
- Warp four.
- Aye aye, Captain!
"The Crystalline Entity"
is drill number 89.
A classic. Can't wait.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on, Mariner, whatever
you're doing up there, hurry!
Aah! Borg Queen!
Uh, how-how's the empathy?
We were able to assimilate it.
No, no, no, no, no, my score!
Captain, we've reached
the crystalline entity.
It appears to be feeding on
unstable nebula radiation.
Oh, my, it's bigger
than this one thought.
Unstable, huh?
Seems like something
we should investigate.
Shields up, take us in.
What? No! In my drill,
you're never supposed to
This isn't a drill.
Shields holding, Captain,
but I'm reading transphasic
energy within the perimeter.
That's a new one.
Let's get a closer look!
No! We don't know the effect of
Controls are getting choppy.
We're caught in an electromagnetic
resonance belt.
I think we're in trouble!
This is not good!
Mariner, I really need
to get out of here. Like now!
Kinda tickles.
A remarkable creature.
Your design very nearly passes as human.
- I am human.
- Oh!
Wow. Then you need to drink more water.
Your skin is a mess.
But still, I think I should add
your biological distinctiveness
to our own; it's kind of our thing.
Are-are you sure? Because I've got
hay fever and acid reflux.
Adding me might result in a net
negative for the collective.
Oh, this one's gonna puke.
We need to fire a graviton
pulse to punch a hole out.
On my mark. Mmm
Say "mark"! Say "mark"!
What are you waiting for?!
Just making sure you're as
scared as you're going to get.
- You're crazy!
- Mark!
Full impulse!
Mariner, find me something else
dangerous to scan.
I'm in the mood for a black hole.
- Why?!
- We're gonna keep doing this
until you change our score.
There's a black hole feeding on
a temporal rift
just three systems over.
Lots of time quakes.
Sounds perfect. Maximum warp.
You can't blackmail me at
the expense of your crew.
They do this kind of work every day.
You gonna give us a passing grade,
or are we just gonna keep seeking out
dangerous situations for you
to see up close?
Stop! Stop! We can't!
Get me out of here! Get me out of here!
We could do this all day, lady!
All right, fine. You win, you win!
There, it's done. You've passed.
Mr. Rutherford, stop our spin.
Aye, Captain.
What? But the temporal black hole
Well, that was kind of a lie.
It's just a regular black hole.
Yeah, no biggie.
Which you would have known
if you weren't
a total fraud.
I'll be sure to put that in my report.
Boimler! We did it. Hey, it's all good.
You can exit the drill now.
I can him hear him shuffling
around in there.
Mr. Boimler! You can come out now.
You saved the ship!
There is no Boimler.
I am Excretus of Borg.
Get him out of there!
Assimilate. I must assimilate!
I, uh Where am I?
You're still on the Cerritos,
Mr. Boimler.
The crew owes you a debt of gratitude.
I was assimilated.
They-they put implants up my
Ear is where they put the implants.
Right in your ear.
Come on, pal, you need a drink.
Did I, did I get my perfect score?
You sure did. A hundred percent.
Hell yeah. Hit me. Hit me again.
Shari Yn Yem is no longer
working for Starfleet.
Apparently she stepped down
because of on-the-job stress.
Feels good, ruining a jerk's career.
Agreed. And there was
one thing she did manage
to teach us today.
Whoa, new replicator?
Let's just say we experienced
what the lower decks have been eating,
and noticed it could
use some improvement.
We updated this one with most of
the senior officer menu codes.
We get pesto?!
If you're going to be facing danger
on a daily basis,
might as well get the good stuff.
Thanks, guys. Aw, this is really nice.
Ooh, ooh, does it make
the lobster mac and cheese
with the breaded top?
Sounds like the one thing
the Borg left you with
was your appetite.
They took everything that I was.
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