Star Trek: Short Treks (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

The Escape Artist

Star Trek: Discovery Short Treks: The Escape Artist How dare you? How dare you put your hands on me, you filth? When my associates get word of this brutality, you'll find yourself on the wrong end of a disintegration beam.
You can count on that.
50 and 60.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Whatever he's paying you, I'll double it.
Do you hear me? This is your lucky day.
Damn it.
I bet you never thought you'd see this face again, did you? You are correct, because I have never seen you before in my life.
Wait.
Did you try and sell me a used shuttle last year? No! Tevrin Krit.
You slept with my sister and stole my family's sacred cudgel.
Mr.
Krit, with all due respect, I haven't the foggiest idea of what you're talking about.
That cudgel was passed down by my ancestors for over a hundred years.
I was going to give it to my son.
Uh, "cudgel"? Is that Are you are you saying "cudgel"? I've never heard of that.
Is that some sort of kitchen implement? It's a hand weapon - used for close quarters combat.
- I have never seen nor heard of a cudgel.
I think you're getting your humans confused.
No, I am a gentleman of the highest caliber.
Wherever you go, people sing the praises of Harry Mudd.
We must all look alike to you.
Which an easy mistake to make for a a gentleman Oh.
"Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
"Wanted by the Federation on 30 counts of smuggling, "20 counts of attempted homicide, one count of attempted regicide " Regicide.
He was a duke.
Hardly counts as regicide.
What are we attempting to murder now? Accuracy? "Transportation of stolen goods, and one count of penetrating a space whale"? You kind of had to be there.
Sounds to me like you pissed off the wrong planetary alliance.
They slapped a 100,000-credit bounty on your head, and I'm so, so glad that I'll be the one to profit off your downfall.
Something to think about during our journey.
This has all been a big misunderstanding.
What do you say we talk this out, hmm? Combine forces, and locate your cudgel together? I'm sure you're used to worming your way out of situations like this, but not today.
I assure you, I have never been in a situation like this before.
How dare you? How dare you put your hands on me, you filth? When my associates get word of this brutality, they'll You better hope these bindings hold, or I'll carve off your skin like a suckling targ! No, no, wait, not my face! Well, maybe I have been falsely accused once or twice.
I can't help it if my reputation precedes me.
I am a memorable man.
It's all scuttlebutt and hogwash, I assure you.
Oh, great.
Oh, wait a minute.
Uh, uh, a dim memory is, uh, bubbling to the surface of my consciousness.
Of course.
Tevrin Krit.
With a with a "T.
" "Tevrin.
" I was think I had a romantic encounter with your sister.
Yes, how could I ever forget? A forbidden tryst.
Oh, her tusks prodded my face, her stubble grazed my lips.
Oh, it was overwhelmingly seductive.
Yes, and in a fit of passion, I absconded with your cudgel to keep as a memento of our secret love.
And I am not proud to say that I sold it.
Your cudgel is now in parts unknown, and I am so very sorry.
You will be even sorrier when I hand you over to Starfleet.
I had to sell it.
We were low on capital.
I really shouldn't be telling you this, but I am a member of the resistance.
The Federation won't stop until they've consolidated power across the entire quadrant.
Sure, they blather and prevaricate about "peaceful exploration," but what they're really after is total hegemonic supremacy.
I've never heard of any resistance.
That's because it's a secret resistance.
Nobody knows about it except the resistors.
Which I am one of them.
Look, we're not so different, you and I.
Both forced to fight for scraps on the fringes.
If only there was a way that we could work together.
Hmm? Pool our resources, take control of our destiny.
You have to see the wisdom in that.
Has that line ever worked on anyone? It's not a line.
I'm telling you, I see something special in you.
We're kindred spirits.
Hey, hey.
I'm telling you, we're kindred spirits.
Stop dragging your feet.
You are surprisingly strong for your diminutive stature.
You're throwing my center off balance.
I am of normal height.
It is not my problem you are freakishly weak.
MUDD: Okay, okay.
You know, we're not so dissimilar, you and I.
Both forced to fight for scraps on the fringes.
Maybe we could work together, control our destiny.
Surely, you can see the wisdom in that.
Hmm? A coalition would give us more leverage against the Federation.
But how can I trust you? We would both benefit from an alliance.
Why would I lie? Because you're driven by insatiable greed.
Precisely.
So unbind me now so we can turn a bad situation into good business.
Is that a no? Wait What are you looking for? None of your concern.
Have you lost track of your ship? Maybe if you were a little taller, you wouldn't get lost so often.
I know exactly where I am at all times.
What kind of bounty hunter loses her ship? The kind who would never be in a partnership with you.
All right.
You know, the light dappling down through those sewer grates accentuates your exceptional beauty.
- Be silent.
- Are you spoken for romantically? Because I would love to show you the 27 moons of Tartus IV.
You're a much better captor.
She was far too emotional.
I thought you were supposed to be rich.
Oh.
A common misconception, but I have not a jot to my name.
No.
I speak the truth; any fortune I may have had has been liberated by the Federation tax man.
If I had any money, I'd be sipping jippers on a beach somewhere instead of being chained up in this piece of lovely cruiser.
Hmm.
I don't buy it.
- I bet you stashed away a fortune.
- Oh, no.
Trust me.
I am the poorest man you've ever met.
I'm telling you, I'm rich.
You let me down from here, I'll make it worth your while.
Hmm? I'm listening.
You'll never have to set foot in a slum like this again.
I'll give you so much latinum, you'll be able to wear a cape, and nobody will be able to say anything, because rich people get to do whatever they want.
Your enemies will be positively green with envy.
- Greener.
- Hmm.
So to speak.
You'll be invited to only the finest soirees.
I would look good in a cape.
You would look amazing in a cape.
Hey, imbecile.
You know we got a camera in here, right? I nearly had him tricked into thinking that I wanted his money.
You're relieved.
So you have me wrapped in chains, in a cell, and suspended from the ceiling? Is there a word in your language for "overkill"? You seem nice.
What's your name? Your skin is luxuriously green.
Like a delectable lime.
You know This may be your lucky day.
I know the secret whereabouts of a treasure ship which we could No.
Krit.
No! OFFICER: This is the Federation starship De Milo.
Please identity yourself.
Oh, don't be so naive.
Don't your people have any kind of code of conduct? This is Tellarite merchant vessel D-bar-seven-five-six.
Requesting permission to approach.
Permission granted.
So, do you think you've talked me into lowering my guard? This is your last chance to use that knife you've got stashed in your boot.
Do you want me to beg? Because I am not above begging.
Please know if those Federation lunatics get a hold of me, they'll skin me alive and blow me out an airlock.
I I'm sorry about your cudgel.
That was was deeply wrong of me.
But you're better than this.
Tellarites are better than this.
Go on.
Take me home with you.
I'll polish your tusks.
Uh um I'll braid your little beard.
Please.
I'll clean the lavatories in on your on this ship.
Anything, but just Don't hand me over to them, please.
Two to beam over.
Oh, goddamn it! You mo Curse the day I met your pig-faced sister! Welcome to the De Milo.
- How can we be of Oh.
- Tevrin Krit.
Pleased to make your acquaintance.
More than happy to turn this sack of durf over for the bounty.
MUDD: Officer, I apologize for this disgusting space homunculus.
I'd say you'd get used to the smell, but you really don't.
Follow me.
KRIT: Do you transfer the latinum to my account or just give it to me in one big bar? I assume you bought Mr.
Mudd from some tall, female bounty hunter? It was a fair deal.
The bounty's all mine.
True.
But this is not Harcourt Mudd.
My scanner says he is.
He is an android duplicate of Mr.
Mudd.
Thinly skinned with replicant DNA and programmed to distract you until it's too late for you to demand a refund.
Bounty hunters have been showing up all week with these monstrosities.
Someone took you for a ride.
- Oh, that's a twist.
- Has anyone ever told you that before? Just gorgeous! Oh, very good.
Mudd, tell him you're real.
No! If I had any money, I'd be sipping jippers - on a beach somewhere.
- If I had any money, I'd be sipping jippers on a beach somewhere! If I had any money, I'd be sipping jippers on a beach somewhere.
If I had any money, I'd be sipping jippers on a beach somewhere.
If I had any money, I'd be Jippers on a beach, jippers on a beach.
- Jippers on a beach.
- If I had any money, I'd be sipping Jippers on a beach, jippers on a beach, jippers on a beach.
Your jipper, ma'am.
Hmm.
- Thank you, Mudd.
- You're welcome, Mudd.
Watch where you're going.
I'm mopping.
Delicious jipper.
COMPUTER VOICE: Incoming transmission.
Will you excuse me, boys? I have to take this.
Deactivate.
Yes, I hear you're looking for Harry Mudd.
You can take him off my hands for 50,000.
Excellent.
I'll meet you there.
Oh.
Would you happen to be interested in a slightly used cudgel? Hmm? There's a great responsibility at hand.
Someone or something is going to end all sentient life in the galaxy.
We're in a middle of a fight for the future.
Mr.
Tyler, we are always in a fight for the future.
Be bold.
Be brave.
Be courageous.
Welcome to Discovery.
Star Trek: Discovery returns January 17.
Star Trek: Discovery Short Treks: The Escape Artist