Starlings (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

1 My first day, Granddad sent me out for tartan paint and a bubble for a spirit level.
I'm still waiting.
You don't need to work.
I could provide for all of us.
Meet Loz, me other son.
Billy didn't know anything about me, and my real mother had me adopted.
Breaking up with Julie is probably the best thing that could've happened to me.
I can breathe again.
Oh, come on, Charlie, that's too easy.
Kuala Lumpur is the capital of Malaysia.
I mean, you're gonna have to test me a little bit.
I eat capital cities for breakfast.
Here's one for you.
Er, what does the D in D-Day stand for? I don't know.
Well, have a guess.
Damnation? Damnation Day?! The day the Allied Forces landed in Normandy to end the Second World War, you think they'd call it Damnation Day? Do you not think that's a bit cocky? Well, Deutschland then? That means Germany! That's just biggin' up the enemy.
That's like the Americans calling Pearl Harbour "Nippon Sunday".
I don't know! What does the D stand for, then? The D in D-Day stands for "Day".
Day-Day? Yup.
The "D" is the as yet unspecified day of a military operation.
I might be better off walking the rest of the way.
No, no.
I promised your mum I'd drive you to football practise, and that is what I'm gonna do.
Next question.
How many bones in a dog's face? That's good son.
Thanks, Dad.
What's this one about? Oceans and rivers, estuaries.
Any body of water really.
It's about how we're robbing our planet of its most precious resource.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Has it got a title? It's called H2-Uh-Oh.
OK, give him a little kiss from his mummy.
See you tomorrow, Reuben.
Right, filo parcels in the oven.
What's our heroine up to now? She's just bought an olive press.
I don't understand this book, Mum.
Why would she just walk out on her family and move to Corsica? She's got a huge, three-bedroom house in London.
It's not my kind of book either, but I've got to read by tonight.
Even with me reading it for you, no way are we gonna get through this by seven.
Can we skip forward to the end? No, Bell, that would be cheating.
And cheating is wrong.
Besides, they'd know.
Carol Matthews tried to bluff her way through "The Secret life of Bees" last month, and they came down on her like a ton of bricks.
She left in tears.
I thought reading was meant to be relaxing.
Bell, the one thing you need to know about being in a book club is that it's not about reading books.
I'm gonna put the kettle on.
You carry on.
Oh, this is ridiculous now! You seriously can't name me six different types of moustache? You said a biology question.
How is a moustache part of the human body? How is it not? Right, I've had enough of this.
I don't think we're allow Relax.
Everyone does it.
It's not technically breaking the law.
There could never be A portrait of my love For nobody Could paint a dream I'm making a cup of tea, Terry.
Do you want one? I'm gonna have him this time, Jan.
You what? The Mekon.
Who? Brian Valentine.
Five weeks in a row he's done me.
Oh, the pub quiz.
I mean, how much ham does one man need? You're not winning the meat platter this time, Brian, because this time Uncle Terry's done his homework.
Where did you get that? They were in the fridge.
They're my mini fig tarts.
They're meant to be for the book club girls.
Can't they have biscuits? Last month Lizzie Wilson hired a chocolate fountain and we had strawberries on sticks.
So, no, I can't give them biscuits.
You haven't finished the book.
I haven't had time.
I've been baking for the past two days.
What's this book called? The "Lemons in Winter".
Author? Lesley Bampton.
There you go.
What am I looking at? That is a concise summary of the book you're reading.
Plot points, character arcs, the lot.
No, I'm not about to start cheating.
The idea is to read the book.
Even if you don't like it? I do like it, actually.
It's, um good.
Mum, she's standing naked on a cliff top now, screaming at the sea.
Thank you, Bell.
You can make your own tea.
I'll turn this off then, shall I? Stop it.
Stop what? That face.
The guilty face.
I can't help it.
I've never been in trouble with the police before.
We're not.
He's checking my licence with the station.
He'll come back over, give me the road safety chat, a slap on the wrist and we'll be on our way.
Why are they both coming over? Cos it's I don't know actually.
Step out of the vehicle, please, sir.
Hey? What for? Just step out of the vehicle, sir.
What are you doing? Anthony Ferguson, you're under arrest for failure to respond to numerous court summons and driving without a valid licence.
I've got a licence.
It's in your hand.
Unfortunately, this one only has six penalty points on it, whereas the DVLA says you've received 12.
That's wrong.
I can't have done.
Do you own a Toyota Corolla, registration SV99 WHE? Yes, but I haven't driven that car for months.
Somebody's driving it.
At speed.
No, they can't have done.
That car is parked outside my ex-girlfriend Julie's house.
The only way that car's moved is if she's J Ohh, God! "To me they were just a pair of flip flops, but to this little girl they were a way out of this wretched life.
" This is awful, Mum.
I think you should just leave the club.
We could hide in the garden when they come round.
I couldn't do that to Carole Matthews.
Then she'd be left, all on her own, without any allies.
Anyway, we've made a pact.
We either leave the club together or not at all.
What if she jumps before you jump? Then where does that leave you? Just keep reading.
Mum, you know what your problem is? You can't let anyone down.
And I mean that in a good way.
Right, see you later.
Yeah, see you later, Dad.
Hang on, where are you going? Er, just going for a little walk.
In a suit? With a pot plant? Yeah.
Has somebody got a lady friend? Ah, now that'd be telling, wouldn't it? Right.
Let's plough on, next chapter.
Chapter 12.
"I'd never thought of selling my own hair before, but the look on Luciani's face in the fluttering candlelight changed all that forever.
" Granddad! Granddad! Hiya.
Did you get lost? You've been ages.
Yeah, I had to stay back and do some extra training on, er On Saving the ball? Yeah, saving the ball.
Where's Fergie? Lake District.
Eh? The Lake District? We were on our way back and he said he could feel the call of the wild, so he headed off towards, er, Coniston or Ullswater, I'm not sure where.
In Reuben's van.
That's why you won't be seeing that for a while either.
He's taken Reuben's van? Yes.
Yes, he has.
He did say he'd call Reuben later if he can get a signal in the Lake District.
He's taken Reuben's van to the Lake District? Yes! When's he coming back? Is he staying overnight? I hope not.
He'd better be back for the quiz.
He's our geography head.
We need him.
I'll get that.
I'm looking for Loz.
Loz? Yeah.
Is he here? I'm not sure.
Can I ask what it's regarding? It's regarding him being my brother.
Hello, Charlie.
You've got a visitor, Loz.
They're not from the council, are they? No, his name's Lee.
Says he's your brother.
What? No, you've gotta get rid of him, Charlie.
Whatever you do, don't tell him I'm here.
He's a head case.
Might be a bit late for that.
He's stood next to me.
Alright, big nuts? You alright? Not avoiding me, are you, bruv? No, no, no, course not, no.
How did you find me? Mum gave me the address of that hippy place you're staying at.
Had a cup of tea with Arthur.
Oh, God.
Lovely fella.
Put him straight about you.
Give us a hug then.
Ohhhh! Oh, yep, I miss those.
This one of your doodles, is it? One of my paintings, Lee, yes.
What's it supposed to be? It's about the It's all about the sea.
Well, it's the right colour anyway.
What are you actually doing here? Just thought I'd pay my brother a visit, say hello.
Right, you've said hello, now you can go.
Aw, that's a nice way to talk to your bruv, isn't it? Hello.
Fergie! How are those Lakes? Are they? That is priceless! Calm down a bit.
You're over-egging it.
Well, I don't like lying to the family, do I? It's a white lie, Charlie, not a real lie.
It's one you tell when someone's been arrested.
You said you've done nothing wrong.
Why can't I tell 'em? Because I don't want to worry them.
You know what they're like.
Plus, it's embarrassing.
It'll all be sorted shortly and I'll meet you at the quiz.
Yeah? Do you need me to bring anything in for you, like cigarettes or phone cards, you know, for currency? I'm not in the Scrubs.
Act natural.
I'll be back before they miss me.
Good luck.
Over and out.
That was Fergie, calling from the, uh, house that Wordsworth used to live in.
Does anyone want a drink? I am parched.
Not for me, Charlie.
I never drink just before a fight.
OK, I can see there's a bit of tension between you two, that's none of my business, but don't have a fight.
No, Charlie, I'm a professional fighter.
I've got a big bout tomorrow night in Nottingham.
That's why I'm here.
See if my brother wanted to come along and support me.
Wait here.
I know you, don't I? Eh? I know your face.
No, no, I don't think so.
Used to work in a video shop? No.
I know where it was.
You had a stall on Chesterfield market.
Selling lighters? No, no, that weren't me.
I definitely know your face.
Do you own an hot air balloon? If only.
It'll come to me.
That's me there.
You see the bloke with the gloves? That's who I beat in the qualifier with a TKO.
What's a TKO? It's a technical knockout, Jan.
Means he wasn't unconscious but the referee ruled he was unable to continue, due to the broken fibula, which I did using just that part of my hand there.
So, it's like boxing? Yeah, but with kicking.
Like kick boxing? But less rules.
Right, I suppose I should head off.
Find myself a little hotel or something.
Good, right, it's been lovely seeing you again, Lee.
Don't be daft, you're family.
We're not gonna let you stay in a hotel.
Aren't we? Course were not.
You can kip in the caravan with Fergie.
Yeah, because he'll be back later.
Terry, don't forget that the girls are coming round later.
Jan's got her book club coming over later on.
It's not really convenient He can come to the pub quiz with us.
Eh? That is a very good idea, Gravy.
What are you like on geography, Lee? I'm alright.
What's the capital of Greece? Turkey? I'm good at sport.
Have you gotta fight one of these tomorrow? Yeah, bloke on the right.
Russell the Muscle Grant.
Russell The Muscle Grant? Yeah.
You're fighting Russell Grant? He's got a wolf tattooed on his face.
That's a coyote.
He's massive.
That's not natural.
He's a 'roid head.
Nice enough fella but his moods, all over the shop.
Sounds familiar.
What d'you say? Eh? Nothing.
I might just go and finish my painting.
Can I have one of them vol-au-vonts, Jan? Hello, Billy.
That time of year already? The usual, please, Sean.
Thank you, Sean.
I'll get your tin.
Been here long? Ah, about three hours.
Be a while yet.
Oh, right.
You done this before, have you? A few times, yeah.
I'm not a criminal or anything.
It's just sometimes little things tend to upset me, you know, like injustice, bad manners, that sort of thing.
So what they done you for? I threw a bloke through t'window at Samaritans.
Oh, right.
He swored in front of me missus, and I will not have that.
No, no, you gotta draw the line somewhere, ain't ya? You got a partner? No, no, I split up with my ex a couple of months ago now.
She's the reason I'm here.
Been driving through speed cameras and lumbering me with the points.
That'd set me off.
That ain't right.
She might not even It's just wrong!! How many years have you been coming up here now, Billy? 45 this year.
Oof! Where do the years go, eh? I still remember that first night, you were sitting there thinking you'd been stood up.
I barely knew her then, did I? Didn't know what she was like.
I'll never forget your face when I gave you that tin and you opened it for the first time.
You shot out of here like a hare out of a bloomin' trap.
Didn't even finish me drink.
And you didn't pay me either.
Mind you, I can't say as I blame you.
She was a beautiful girl.
Still is.
You watch your footing up that hill this year, Billy lad.
I always do, Sean.
I'll leave you two together then.
I told you it'd be this one.
Georgie thought you lived in that big house at the end, but then I saw the van and all the cars and the curtains.
You're early.
No, 6.
I'm sure we said seven.
Oh, well, we're here now.
Well, come in.
Oh, good, we don't need to take our shoes off.
Is, um, is Carol not with you? She rang with some excuse about one of the kids having meningitis.
Hope it wasn't something we said.
I don't think she'd read the book.
We bought wine.
Oh, good, cos I suddenly feel like a drink.
If you'd like to go through to the drawing room, I'll get you some glasses.
This is lovely, Jan.
And the colour of this carpet makes the room look so much bigger than it actually is.
I came back from judo once, and Van Gogh here, he'd stuck all his Action Men onto this bit of wood in the bath, he's taking photos of it.
It was my interpretation of "The Raft of The Medusa" by Gericault.
It was your interpretation of having no mates.
Not here yet? Nope.
I think he's bottled it, Dad.
No way, son, not the Mekon.
Gonna do his usual, isn't he? Big rock star entrance.
Who's this? The Mekon.
Dad's nemesis.
Brian Valentine, the man who knows it all.
The picture round, spot the lyric, anagram bingo, he's like a machine.
Dad! And there he is.
What, behind the old man? No, no.
That's him.
That's your nemesis? He just waved at you.
Mind games, Lee, pure mind games.
So, let's kick things off.
Who'd like to start? Jan, as we are in your oh so humble abode, would you like to take the lead? Yes, yes, er, I'd love to.
Um, let me just get you some more nibbles.
Oh, we're fine for nibbles, Jan.
Tell us what you thought.
Well, uh, I thought that the premise was a little bit derivative.
Really? I thought it was highly original.
Yes, I did too.
Well, I I hadn't finished.
Um, er, a derivative premise with an original twist.
But what about the story arc, Jan? Did you feel it started to sag a bit in the middle third? I did, actually.
Because I didn't.
Oh, right, well, um, I can't comment on the middle third, I really can't.
I mean, um, I could, but I won't because I Oh, was that the oven? Did anyone else hear a ping? No, I don't think so, Jan.
Listen, cards on the table.
I'm going to be completely honest with you now, girls.
I loved this book.
So, you're gonna marry this lady of yours, are you? I think it might be a bit soon, y'know? She's still pretty cut up over her last relationship.
Horrible piece of work he were.
Was he? She told me that they went on holiday, he hit a dog with a chair.
A dog? How cruel is that? I'm telling you, if I ever set eyes on that bloke, I'm just gonna knock him.
No hesitation.
Just bang!! Bang!! And bang!! Um It really upset Julie an' all.
She's an animal lover like me, so What's What's her name? It's Julie.
I've got a picture of her here.
D'you wanna have a look? I don't know.
Ohhh, my God! She is beautiful.
Isn't she? Isn't she? Yeah, she's an earth angel, that's what she is.
Aw, lovely, lovely, lovely.
So this ex ex of hers, d-do you know his name at all? Know it? It is burnt onto my cortex.
Anthony Ferguson?! Yeah, that's him.
Hang on! You're him! You're Fergie! Come here! Agh! I can imagine how this looks, but Ohh! OK, a quick 10-minute break and then we'll be back with the next round, round three, kamikaze catchphrase.
Doozie of a picture round this week, Terence.
Oh, I dunno, Brian.
We thought it was easy enough.
Well, there are more of you, I suppose.
Yes, the only one that had me momentarily stumped was, er, the minaret atop Brighton Pavilion.
The Yeah, no, the Yeah, got that one.
I imagine a fair few idiots in here thought it was the Taj Mahal.
Imagine they did.
Good luck with the next round then.
What? Number 12.
It's not the Taj Mahal.
Brian just let it slip.
Dad, Dad.
What? Mind games.
Are you in there, Fergie? Listen.
About that dog.
Yes, right, I did hit it with a chair Awwwww! Little doggy! Well, no, no, because there's my first point, you see.
Because the dog in question was not little, it was roughly the size of a foal and it was attacking Julie.
So if anything, you know, I was defending my, our, your girlfriend.
Is that true? Every word.
You went on holiday with my Julie! Right.
Sorry about that.
Er, where were we? You were about to tell us your favourite part of the book.
Oh, yes.
Well, I was almost moved to tears by the scene where Sukie was seated at the loom, making the blanket.
Figuratively restructuring her life from scratch, warp by weft.
And why did you like that particular section so much? Because, um, when you're a baby, er, you're swaddled in a blanket.
And then you sleep under a blanket when you're in your forties.
And then, when when you're old, you can, um, pop a blanket on your knees.
I need a glass of water.
Oh, um, I'll get that for you.
Why don't you give us your view on Chapter 26? Oh, yes, um, that was the, um Tsk! You did read the book, didn't you, Jan? What? Oh, yes.
It's just you seem a little bit vague on whole chunks of the story.
Do I? I don't care what your mum says.
He needs his ni-ni.
Put him down for an hour.
Well, he does if you give him his lavender dolly.
Would you like me to fill you in on the vestry scene, Jan? Er, no, no.
I-I'm just trying to find the right word to, um Hello, Book Club.
Thank God.
Everyone, this is my daughter.
Nice to meet you all.
Mum's told me all about what you girls get up to.
I'm Bell.
Oh, yes.
You're the single mother aren't you? You must be Lizzie.
Mum described you perfectly.
And you're obviously Georgie.
She said you two came as a pair.
And that's clearly Samantha.
Your mum was just about to talk us through what Georgie and I see as the major turning point of the book we've all been reading.
The ruined cathedral? Yep.
Yeah, Mum told me all about that yesterday.
When the ghost of Sukie's grandfather appears in the vestry and tells her to return to England.
You were in bits, weren't you, Mum? I was, I really was.
But you loved the ending, didn't you? When Sukie got home and laid the blanket she'd made over her sleeping children.
I still find that part really hard to talk about.
Here we are again, my love.
Back where it all started.
I thought me old knees weren't gonna make it this year.
I ran up that hill the first time we came.
When you left me that note in the tin, I thought all my Christmases had come at once.
And there you were, looking like Lana Turner in Latin Lovers.
I was shaking like a leaf when I sat down here, and it was the middle of bloody August.
I'd give anything to be sitting here with you again now.
But it was not to be.
They say the good ones die young, don't they, but you'll always be alive in here, my sweet.
Well, this is the last time I'm gonna come up here, Pearl.
I'm an old man now, you'd laugh if you saw me.
But I've planted you an orange blossom because I know they were always your favourite.
Something to remember me by.
Take care, my darling.
You've never had a Bermondsey egg? Watch this.
Have a bang on that.
Food of the gods.
Oh, that is Amazing, I know.
What are you sighing at, Mona Lisa? Nothing.
I'm gonna go and get some air.
Is Loz alright? He's always like this with me, Terry.
Does my head in.
Numbers dwindling, Terence? At this rate, it'll be just you and me, mano-a-mano.
And we all know how that'll finish, don't we? OK, pens at the ready.
Time for the next round.
So what's next month's book? Well, it's my choice this time, so I'm going for this.
Mum, that's even thicker than the last one.
I know, and I won't be needing any help this time, either.
You're never gonna find time to read all that.
I won't have to.
I read it two years ago in the Canary Islands.
Goodnight, ladies.
Oh, where have you been all day? I've just been for a little walk.
You've been on a date, haven't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I have.
Here he is, predictable as ever.
Lonely figure in a dramatic landscape.
Leave me alone, Lee.
Oh, yeah, course.
Cos no one understands Loz, do they? No one ever did.
So off you go with your pencil and your little easel, to draw your own version of events.
It's better than smashing everything you don't understand.
Yeah, that's right.
That's all I am, innit? A caveman.
Unlike golden boy, who Mum and Dad bent over backwards to keep happy.
Yeah, I forgot you had it really tough, didn't you? Tougher than you.
I never asked for an adopted brother.
They were my mum and dad, but up you popped, like the cuckoo in the nest, hoovering up all the love and affection.
So, you gonna come and watch me fight tomorrow? No.
No, I'm not, Lee.
I might have known.
You never have been interested in what I do.
I'm never gonna come and watch you fight, ever! And it's not because I'm not interested! Why then? The same reason it's always been.
I don't want to see my little brother get hurt.
In many ways, Shane, you and I are very similar.
I mean, yes, you're Julie's knight in shining armour now but that's what I used to be.
Can understand her animosity towards me, but I think if she knew I was languishing here because of some completely understandable oversight on her part, then she would do the right thing and clear my name.
So I'm just appealing to the honourable man I know you are to help facilitate this.
Are you still talking? And that last one was which 16th-century artist painted the Garden of Earthly Delights? Bosch.
What? Heronimus Bosch painted the Garden of Earthly Delights.
Not many of you got it, Heronimus Bosch was the man.
How did you know that? You told me when we were kids.
We was sitting on the beach at Clacton.
I'll never forget it.
My big brother told me.
Plus it's the noise an elbow makes when it hits a mans cheekbone.
Um I'm really sorry, Lee.
I'm sorry too, bruv.
Give us a hug.
Ooh, yes, looks like we have a tie-break situation between "The Terry's All Golds" and "Brian's Brain".
And it's going to be a history question.
This is it, team.
Wish me luck.
Aren't we gonna draw straws? It's a history question.
This is my area.
We always draw straws, Dad.
Right, Charlie, number one rule of tie-break is do not panic.
And remember, there's no shame in second place.
There's also no gammon in second place.
Good luck, Charlie.
Good luck.
Go on, Charlie! So here we are, the moment of truth.
"June the 6th, 1944.
" "Allied troops landed on the beaches of Normandy.
" "This, of course, was D-Day.
" "D-Day.
" "But what does the "D" in D-Day stand for?" You're free to go.
What? Your ex-girlfriend has admitted she was driving the car.
Why? Ask your friend.
It were the right thing to do.
Thanks, mate.
It's alright.
I'll see thee.
Hm Cheers.
Are you alright, Dad? What's happened? Well, we pushed him to a tie-breaker, Charlie had to go head-to-head with him on a history question.
You can imagine what happened.
Oh, Terry, not again.
You're right, not again.
Because thanks to that beautiful daughter of ours, say hello to tonight's victors and their porky spoils.
"The Terry's All Golds"! Jan, we really had him, Jan.
The Mekon's reign of superiority is over.
You're quite drunk, aren't you? Yes, yes, I is.
But look at this.
We've got cutlets, chops, bangers.
Bangers, more chops.
Shhh, shhh! Oh, are you alright, Fergie? Yeah.
That's brilliant news.
I'll let everyone know, yeah.
See you soon.
Fergie's on his way back! Hurray! They've dropped all They dropped Well, he's dropped his dropped his tent pegs in a river, so no tent, now he's on his way home.
Right, great.
Let's get some of this under the grill.
Who's hungry? Oh, me.
All I've had all day is a mini fig tart.
Meat! Everybody, raise your glasses to Charlie, who, with her sling shot of knowledge, hath finally felled the egg-headed Goliath named Brian.
You should stop drinking now, Terry Yes! I was thinking exactly the same thing.
OK, everybody! - Cheers! - Cheers! Well done, Charlie.
What's that? Dolphin.
We're going to an ancient forest, not Center Parcs.
Have a lovely anniversary.
What have you got planned? He won't tell me.
You can't leave Dad's van here, it might get looted.
Who'll loot it? Winnie The Pooh? We're having a nice time, aren't we? You're having a nice time you mean! Just give me one clue, please? Just follow the rose petals.
So which direction's camp? I've got no idea.