Starsky and Hutch (1975) s03e18 Episode Script

62 - Class in Crime

It was only 70 yards, love.
Your favourite mime was only 65 yards away.
Almost close enough to be nicked.
Too many good years in you to make such a mistake.
Now that we've ended the days of our mime-lover Mr Allen Richards, we're off to the home of The House That Jack Built.
Whatever you say, love.
On this occasion, sweet Michelle, you'll have a much more active role.
You say the nicest things, Professor.
Thank you.
[PAGER BEEPING] Are you a doctor? No.
Roto-Rooter? Mm-mm.
I give up.
What? Just another man who has to leave love and beauty for the call of duty.
That's nice.
Did you just make that up? [IMITATING BOGART] It's better we don't say goodbye, sweetheart.
Just got beeped.
Does it hurt? Sweetheart, you have no idea how much.
You're not kidding, huh? STARSKY: Know how much a plumber makes a year? HUTCH: More than a cop, that's for sure.
When he's off, he's off.
You know, if this thing is an easy one, maybe we can get back to Rachel and Mary, huh? STARSKY: Rachel and Mary.
Sounds like a small college back East.
HUTCH: No, no, that's William and Mary.
Rachel and Mary, William and Mary, what's the difference? They were married.
To who? Each other.
Who do you think? STARSKY: Hmm.
[###] Go ahead.
It's clean.
Prints? Zip.
Maybe an easy one, huh? Hmm.
Very light.
Right on the button.
Beautiful piece.
If you're a pro, you can hit a mosquito's mother at 70 yards.
With a scope, give me 170.
Any scope? He didn't need it.
71 yards away, a crowd on the sidewalk watching.
Watching what? A mime.
What? You know, these kids from the college come down with a tin cup and a bag full of talent and entertain the people on the sidewalk.
A mime.
Go on.
There ain't no more.
The dead man? Allen Richards, age 28 and not a cavity in his mouth.
Salesman of fancy cars in a place called The House That Jack Built.
$36 in his wallet and a bachelor's button on his jacket missing.
The wife sends regards.
Oh, thanks.
[###] [WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV] Our man Jack is a fanatic for reruns of The Rookies.
Hasn't missed a segment since it's on.
He'll be expecting friend Allen during the second commercial.
Then they'll be getting ready for me.
But he will not be expecting a high-fashion femme fatale.
Forget it, pal.
You can't afford it.
If I was a plumber, I could.
WOMAN: Which one of you is interested? My name is Catlin, and I'm here to assist.
I'm definitely interested.
Are you experienced? Excuse me? These are not just cars.
Could have fooled me.
They are high-tension engineering masterpieces, surrounded by the body of a sculptor's dream.
Well, actually, we're interested in another kind of body.
Allen Richards.
He used to work here.
He's dead.
You know about that? Someone was kind enough to call.
Who? Does it matter? It might.
You see, he was, uh, murdered in broad daylight.
Night-time is for women.
Polish it.
Say, did you know that they say that these things are so quiet that you can actually hear the rustle of silk stockings against leather? Hmm? I love the smell of leather.
Yeah, well, you and Todesco ought to write a book together.
Look, Miss Catlin, Allen Richards was supposed to meet a man by the name of Jack this afternoon at 2:30.
Do you know anything about that? "The House That Jack Built" Jack.
The owner of this joint.
You're very perceptive.
You're very kind.
Would you have an address on Jack? Sure.
Would you mind giving it to me? Sure.
Thank you.
How long have you worked for Allen Richards, Miss Catlin? Two years.
That's the first straight answer I've got.
You seem all broken up over his death.
Jack Morgan's number and address.
Why is it I get the feeling she's not telling us everything she knows? Well, now, if I did that, you would age before your time.
Uh Let me ask you something.
How much for, uh, your piece of engineering? Thirty-five, nine.
"Thirty-five, nine" what? Thirty-five thousand nine hundred dollars.
American money? Yeah.
[###] [MAN AND WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV] [DOORBELL RINGS] MICKIE: Now, love, which one of us is more dangerous? [###] HUTCH: Is that Catlin lady just weird, or do you think she's involved? STARSKY: Beats me.
HUTCH: Well, I think she probably could be, if somebody gave her a chance.
STARSKY: Mm-hmm.
What time is it? HUTCH: Where's your watch? STARSKY: On my wrist.
HUTCH: Well? STARSKY: 2:20.
HUTCH: Allen Richards had an appointment with Jack in ten minutes.
MAN [ON TV]: You know what I mean? [###] Lipstick.
"White Shoulders.
" Guess he never saw the sun.
No, I mean the smell.
Like somebody took a bath in it.
Mix that up with a little chloroform, who the hell's gonna fight back? Looks like The House That Jack Built's crumbled.
[###] GAGE: Medoc, 1969.
MICKIE: A good year.
A very good year.
You wanna hear about it? Oh, every detail.
The door was open, as you arranged.
I walked in, and staring me in my plastic face was that gun.
He took 49 seconds deciding whether to blow my brains out or go for the seduction.
You wanna know something? Oh, indeed I would, love.
Those were the most perfectly exquisite 49 seconds of my entire life.
Nothing, huh? OK, thanks.
DMV has nothing on Jack's house.
They kill the boss and his top salesman.
You think somebody wants to put Jack's auto shop out of business? I didn't know the automobile business was that competitive.
Hey, I'm also gonna check out Allen Richards' apartment.
See if anything over there can tell us something.
Barry, look alive.
I think I'll check out Catlin the Weirdness.
Right this way.
I can't believe it.
He was such an ideal tenant.
There were no, uh, conflicts or fights? Wild parties, strange visitors? Oh, no.
He was calm, cooperative, a nice guy.
Well, thank you very much.
Oh, by the way, would you be interested in a vacant apartment? Really, ma'am The body isn't even cold.
An empty apartment is.
Well, ah I'll lock up when I leave.
Oh, well, thank you.
Oh, oh, the key's on the right.
Yes, thank you.
[###] HUTCH: Last count, we got eight of these books on mime.
And Richards was killed watching some mime outside of a restaurant.
That means somebody did their homework.
We got one shot, one bullet, books on mime, his buddy and boss Jack Morgan sitting with a gun in his lap out on an OD of chloroform.
Yeah, some pro has done his homework.
Now, according to what you got here, Richards and Morgan went to the same school together.
Yeah, I read that, too.
Graduated classmates.
That's about the only tangible lead you got, huh? Tangible? Only 400 graduates a year out of that college! Well, 398 of them are still alive.
Jameson's College is just up the coast.
You better get your fanny up there and check it out.
What for? If I knew that, I wouldn't be sending you up there, would I? Right.
And by the way, where's your partner? Oh, uh, Starsky's checking out Catlin.
Well, that was last night.
You know, the lady from the automobile showroom.
Nobody's heard from him since last night.
Well, knowing Starsky, he's probably, you know He'd better be on his J-O-B.
Are you forgetting I know Starsky too? Augh! Hey! Your timing leaves a lot to be desired.
What are you doing with that piece of sculpting outside? You can't afford $35,000.
CATLIN: Thirty-five, nine.
What'd you find out? It's not worth it.
Can't corner like a Torino.
I'm talking about the case, Detective Sergeant Starsky.
Lipstick on the buttons.
Doesn't match.
Her shoulders are white, but no perfume.
You are one good detective.
Ah, ah Um What are you up to? Dobey's sending me up to Jameson College to check on those two dead graduates.
They both went to Jameson.
I'm not very good at waiting.
Can I go now? Hmm? Sure.
Thank you.
I'll check things out at this end.
Oh, I'm sure you will.
David? Hmm? How do you like your breakfast? Over easy.
[###] Come now, this is a class of the philosophy of crime, from stealing the cookies when your mother isn't looking to murders of convenience.
Now, what I am trying to communicate past your well-scrubbed faces is to let go your preconceptions about the poor, downtrodden criminal.
It's nonsense.
The criminal assumes total responsibility for his life.
If one chooses to To steal or to commit a murder, that is an aggressive exercise in that individual's behaviour.
Yes, Ralph.
Uh, according to you, it's almost as if the bad guy's respectable.
What about the victim, the guy that gets burned, uh, murdered, let's say? Ah, the voice of conscience raises its sacred heart, huh? The victor, as well as the victim, is responsible for his life and death.
Uh, come now, Professor, are you telling me that if somebody murders me, I'm responsible? Indeed, and that is the precise issue we shall deal with in our next class, the subtle and obvious ways we choose our own executions.
MORGAN [ON TAPE]: Come at 2:00 instead of 2:30.
I got to admit I'm a little nervous.
It's not every day we try and blackmail a professional hit man.
So, get here early, partner.
We should have our act together before the professor comes.
Todesco found this in Allen Richards' apartment.
The voice is identified as Jack Morgan's.
Shh! How do you read that? They're partners.
They're both dead.
Both had appointments with a professor.
Uh I know a dozen con men who got the alias of "professor.
" Well, it's a 3:00 meet.
Allen Richards got burned at 12:00 and Jack Morgan at 2:30.
Whatever made him nervous, I'm betting on the professor.
What have you got? Hello.
How are you? Forget the social amenities.
No kidding.
What you got? Look, I just been through enough microfilm and yellowed sheets of class records to make me half-blind.
So what? That's your job.
What you got? OK, OK.
Allen Richards, good student, B-plus average.
Jack Morgan just made it.
Just made it.
The last year, the two of them took three courses together.
First one was European history taught by Mrs Andrews.
The second one was a course in the art of mime, taught by a Professor Bertold.
And the third one was in the philosophy of crime, taught by a Professor Gage.
After graduation, they remained friends.
Jack Morgan inherited that, uh, automobile showroom.
And Allen Richards was Let's start with Professor Bertold, huh? Allen Richards was shot watching a mime.
Wait a second! Philosophy of crime.
Hmm? Philosophy of I saw that.
I saw that I saw that book.
I saw that book at the Allen Richards apartment.
That's it! You all right? That's it! Yeah, I'm fine.
And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna enrol at the university in a course in philosophy of crime taught by J Gage.
That's a mighty long shot.
So's the murder of Allen Richards.
[###] Now, what we're concerned with today is the fact that the killer and the killee are married, by choice, and not accident.
Why? Why what? Well, why are you sorry? Oh! Well, I'm sorry I came late, interrupted your class.
I apologise.
Well, why did you come in late and interrupt? Can we begin again? Well, I never stopped.
Well, then let me explain.
Just take responsibility yourself.
Yes, well, I, uh I just enrolled.
I'm a non-matriculating student.
I stopped by the registrar, and she said that I could start the class today, even though you'd already been going one day.
If that's all right with you, Professor? Is it all right with you? [CHUCKLING] I, uh I think I'm being had.
By your own sense of limiting convention under the guise of insincere politeness.
Find a seat.
What's your entire name? HUTCH: Hutchinson, Ken.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed a prime example of an act of innocence.
An act, I say.
Hutchinson, Ken behaved as if it were all a matter of bad timing.
Excuse me, Professor.
Uh, can we forget about the bad timing and just resume the class? Oh, your timing was perfect, Hutchinson.
The class never stopped.
You are a living example of what I'm trying to teach all these fair-minded students.
When an act of illegality occurs, when a breaking of the rules takes place, be it coming late or stealing the cookies or committing a murder it is intentional and planned by the individual, who must assume responsibility in one form or another.
Correct, Hutchinson, Ken? I do not ask rhetorical questions.
Do you agree? As a matter of fact, I don't.
I came late.
That's no crime.
And you certainly can't equate my act, which Even if it was intentional, which it certainly wasn't, with murder.
That's ludicrous.
You stopped apologising.
And you do have an opinion.
Now, listen carefully.
The crime is not equal.
That is not what I said.
I did say that when we break the rules, there is that salacious part of us that knows it and does it by choice.
And that part exists in you, Hutchinson, in you, Stanley, and in you, Rachel.
And in the man who commits murder, who exercises his freedom of breaking the rules and assuming responsibility for his actions.
DOBEY [OVER RADIO]: Starsky, this is Dobey.
Where are you? STARSKY: I'm at the professor's house.
I'll fill you in later.
DOBEY: Just be careful.
[###] Hello? Anybody home? It's not what you think.
How do you know what I think? You think I'm a thief, right? No.
Actually it's that Mercedes out in front.
A '63, right? I'm a nut for old Mercedes, so I, uh I rang the bell.
Honest, I did.
Nobody home.
So, I know what beach living is like.
I came around, figuring there was somebody in the water or on the porch, and I came up, and I knocked.
Definitely did.
And Well, I ended up inside, figuring that Well, uh Here we are.
Yes, aren't we? What do you want? Uh Your forgiveness, a glass of water and a Mercedes.
In that order.
[###] Water.
Ah, thanks.
It's good.
Uh You, uh, wouldn't be interested in selling it, huh? The Mercedes.
You would? Yes.
Ah, how much would you want for it? How much do you think it's worth? A lot more than I have, if you wanna know the truth.
You a cop? You a criminal? You're a cop.
Surf's up.
I have some questions.
Are you gonna take me downtown, Officer? If necessary, yeah.
Get a warrant, call my lawyer and rock and roll.
[###] [###] What do you mean the judge won't give us a writ? The judges have to be careful.
A lot of the boys are taking their writs and intimidating people instead of investigating.
They're getting very sensitive, and I don't blame them.
But there's a note from the two dead men on his wall.
All it says is "We know.
" Yeah.
That's not exactly evidence pointing to a murder, is it? Look, we don't wanna charge him, we just wanna bring him in and question him.
Check his bank account, his dental plates.
Anything to make a connection.
Like a motive.
Would you hand me the mustard there? All right, bring him in.
What? What? Look, I, uh I sat, or rather squirmed, in that man's class today.
I gotta tell you, he's slick, cool and probably very dangerous.
There's no way we're gonna pin him against the wall with any kind of interrogation.
I mean, he'd bounce us against the wall with his exercise of freedom before his lawyer could spring him.
So, how are we gonna bring him in, genius? The student is gonna give the teacher a lesson.
[FIRE CRACKLING] The police know.
They suspect.
They'll investigate.
They already started.
And what shall they find? Ashes? [###] Is being killed by an assassin's gun any less a suicide than jumping off a 20-storey building? Let me diagram the lives of two people who have [###] How marvellous.
It's not often that I'm surprised in this ambience.
Whom do I have to thank? Ah, very well, let's, uh solve this mystery, albeit somewhat banal.
First three words.
What do they connote? Well, "I also know" means, obviously, that they share some information with others.
More? Possibly with Jack and Allen.
Actually, it implies a threat, I believe.
Of what nature? Well, it's sort of blackmail.
Something happened.
The writer knows.
Jack and Allen possibly know.
And the writer wants money, as indicated by the dollar signs.
It's a little gauche in style.
The, uh, underlining, exclamation point, reflect a certain nouveau-riche mentality.
The author is obviously of a lower-middle economic consciousness.
But what is missing? Oh, come, come.
For a threat to be viable, for blackmail to work, if that is indeed what this is, we need to know the "or else" clause.
[CLEARS THROAT] Well, it, uh It seems implied, Professor, that either the party come up with the money or the blackmailer will go to the authorities with damaging information.
Really? Why? Well, if he did that, he's liable to be arrested himself on any number of charges.
Withholding information, blackmail, who knows what other complicities? And if he does what Mr Hutchinson suggests, class, what else does he lose? His clout.
[###] Exactly.
As you succinctly put it, he abandons the privacy of the information and the opportunity for compensation.
It's a good thing you're not matriculating, Hutchinson, because, frankly, you would not be graded highly.
Ah, shall we, uh, take a little walk? Now, how do you find the class? Fascinating.
You're a little bit older than many of the students.
I'm a late bloomer.
You did write that message.
Give the professor an A.
Well, maybe we should, uh, talk a bit.
That's what we're doing, isn't it? Well, actually, we have a great many things to discuss, and this is, uh This is hardly the place.
How about my place? I live in I know where you live, Professor.
I've done my homework.
Well, you constantly surprise me, Mr Hutchinson.
My place, then.
Say, an hour? Say two hours, but not in your place.
On the beach, about 200 yards north of the house.
Wear a pair of pants and a shirt.
Can't we be civilised about it, say, having a drink on my porch? I know a lot of civilised people who are dead.
On the beach, clean, carrying nothing.
Two hours.
[###] You're crazy.
This guy's a pro.
One bullet, no-miss time.
I mean, how do you expect to avoid the same fate as his other two unfavourite students? Hmm? I'm counting on you.
Let me have those things.
The car? Packed.
Gas tank full.
Bank accounts? Empty.
We have the cash.
Tickets? At the airport.
Reservations confirmed to Rio.
Rio will be excellent this time of year.
By the time the authorities figure it all out, we'll have been in three countries and changed our identities twice.
You're marvellous.
I know.
Now, I will try to get ocean-side of Hutchinson, Ken.
And when I'm sure he hasn't left any information with anyone else, I will bend down and ostensibly pick up a seashell.
[###] Isn't it kind of chancy? What ever happened to "preparation is part of the process"? There isn't any time.
Besides, the sign of a true professional is his ability to improvise.
Are you up to it? I wouldn't have it any other way.
[###] The water's warm today.
I, uh, got the money for you, but, uh, how do I know that you haven't told anyone else? You're gonna have to take my word for it.
Jack and Allen told me that they hadn't told anyone else.
Well, they lied.
They told me.
Well, how do I know that you're not lying to me? Uh, because I'm selfish, and I would've had to share a piece with them.
And I don't share with anybody.
They're also dumb.
That's why they're dead.
You are much smarter, Mr Hutchinson.
[###] Ken.
It's a rather beautiful shell.
STARSKY: Hutch! [GUNSHOTS] Mickie! [###] You could have killed her.
Yeah, I could have, but I didn't.
Looks like we can forget about our fish dinner.
Hey, you guys, you gotta think positively.
STARSKY: I think it's positively hopeless.
MARY: It gets dark in a couple hours, Ken.
Look, you gotta have a little faith in this business, a little patience.
There's probably a whole school of fish running around down there right now.
STARSKY: Yeah, probably as bored as I am.
Maybe it's your equipment, Ken.
Sweetheart, this is a brand-new rod and reel.
It's gonna take him a year to pay it off.
Starsky, without exception, this is the finest fishing equipment that money can buy.
Well, it's a shame the fish don't know that.
Whoa! Whoa! And don't they now, dirt ball? Oh, man, have I got a big one! Whoa! Go get him, Ken! Is it really a fish? No, no, it's a Border collie.
Oh, are we gonna have a fish dinner tonight! Well, Starsky, don't just sit there, get a net! A net? A net.
Get a net! Get a net! OK, all right! Where is it? Come on! Get it! Where is it? Oh, this is a biggie! Come on! Where is it? Hold this! What? Hold this! OK, I got it.
Yeah, well, let me out! Let me out! I got it! OK.
Oh, it's a big one.
I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! Get the net, will you?! I'm getting it.
Get it, get it! The line's gone dead.
Oh, terrific! HUTCH: No, it hasn't.
No, it hasn't.
It's just an old trick the fish play to fake you out.
Ah, ah, he's still on.
He is? HUTCH: Yeah.
I got it! Aah! MARY: Aah! [SPLASHES] [###] Well, uh Uh, let's have a spaghetti dinner, huh? I'll buy, huh? [###]