State of the Union (2019) s02e01 Episode Script

The Laws of Grammar

So Take your time.
Um I'm actually a decisive person.
I'm sure.
I just don't see the word "coffee.
" Oh, we sell coffee.
Then that's what I want.
Okay, so we have three different roasts I don't want three different roasts, I just want coffee.
What would you give me if I just ask for coffee? I wouldn't.
I would describe the three different roasts.
And what if I just shouted "coffee" over your descriptions? Mm.
You can try that if you want.
Look, I've run my own business for a long time.
One thing I've learned, don't overcomplicate things.
Lead with the headline.
You sell cars, say you sell cars.
You sell guns, say you sell guns.
It doesn't even say coffee in your sign.
What the hell is "Mouthfeel"? Sounds like a sex club.
Oh, it's the way the coffee feels in your mouth.
It's a word connoisseurs use.
- You mean the taste? - No.
It's distinct from the taste.
See, it's all way too complicated, even before somebody walks through the door.
Okay, so you think in a gun store, a person walks in and asks for a gun, and that's the end of the conversation.
They give him a generic gun with the word "gun" on the box.
Guns are a bad example.
Just give a coffee number one.
I'm not interested in the mouthfeel.
- You take milk? - Sure.
Regular from a cow pumped full of steroids.
Nothing missing.
- Is that an initial? - Not really.
"Not really"? Just Jay.
What was your birth name? How strong is your pee flow currently? Oh, not an equivalent question! Oh, I think it is.
So what are you doing around here, anyway? What? I'm not cool enough? Honestly? - I have an appointment.
- Ooh.
Steve and Cindy upstairs? They're great.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, how are you? So you met my husband, Scott.
I wouldn't put you two together.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Steve and Cindy.
- Exactly.
You want to come up with us? That will still only be five of us in the room.
I'll bring your tea over.
So many questions.
Yeah? How do you know these people? You You mean one person.
Who in your mind is this entire imaginary community of friends? Yes.
My yoga class is across the street.
Hah! I just told you something you didn't know.
I was hoping you knew I went to yoga classes.
I knew you did something stretchy.
Okay, second question.
Let's say you need an What are they called, he/she? - Pronouns.
- Exactly.
Say you needed a pronoun.
Which one would you use? Well, I'd have to know the context.
In the course of an average day, I use both.
I'm talking about Jay.
You want to know if Jay is male or female.
Yeah, I guess.
Here is your tea.
And here is your steroids.
- Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
- JAY: Mm-hmm.
Why do you want to know? Beca Seriously? Yes.
Because it's relevant information.
Well, maybe if you're thinking of hooking up.
Not if you're buying coffee.
What if I wanted to say "blank" has put too much milk in this? Jay.
Jay has put too much milk on this.
I'm going to ask "blank" for another cup.
Jay prefers "they.
" - "They"? - Yes.
I'm gonna ask they for another cup? "Them", obviously.
They is making me another cup.
"They are", always.
You're giving a running commentary on this entire transaction.
I'm just trying to understand what's going on here.
Oh, I think you've got it.
So, language has no meaning.
- Of course it has meaning.
- "They" is plural.
Well, not the way you just used it.
- When? - "They is plural.
" You can't use "they" unless Jay is several people.
Well, Jay isn't several people and we still say "they.
" What are you going to do about it? What about the laws of grammar? They change all the time.
See, this is why I'm not comfortable with your choice of counselors.
Because grammar laws changed? Because Jay works in a coffee shop underneath but unconnected to their office? There's a whole way of thinking here that I, I [SIGHING IN EXHAUSTION.]
You know, I'm retired.
I think Bernie Sanders is a lunatic.
I don't see anything wrong with milk.
Why can't we go where we went before? That was 20 years ago and Jeannie retired.
But that was up in Laurel Hill.
I know what goes on there.
What goes on there? Golf, tennis.
None of this stuff.
I-I don't know if there's a correlation between good sports facilities and good counseling.
Maybe not.
Do you know why we're here? What are you talking about? - Why are we here? - For marital counseling.
But why? I probably did something bad again.
But you have no real idea what? No.
But I look forward to hearing about it.
And then I'll stop doing it and we can move on.
Wait, so you're so you're kind of patronizing me? [IMITATING SCOTT.]
Like, I have no idea why she wants to go see a counselor for.
Oh, well, I'll go along with it.
What would have changed if I'd asked a ton of questions? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
You'd have seemed like someone who has a stake in the relationship.
So just turning up isn't enough to demonstrate that? You're humoring me.
So can I go home again? No.
I just don't think people here are going to be any good for a guy like me.
What's a guy like you? You know me.
You married me.
No, I want to hear what you'd say.
- Just hard working - Well, retired.
A hardworking, family guy.
Our kids are out in the world now.
I'm a guy who loves his wife and his daughters.
And his grandchildren.
Although the youngest Will you stop with that? She's two years old.
She's not likable.
When we went to see Jeannie Ah, that was then.
You asked me about now.
Anyway, I still loved my wife.
I just did a stupid thing.
Well, things, as it turned out.
I know, I know.
I just thought that was how things were supposed to be.
You thought you're supposed to sleep with other women? - It was different back then.
- Oh, yeah.
In '90s, when men were men.
Okay, okay.
We went through all this torture with Jeannie.
And you and her tell me what a bad guy I am, and we talk and talk.
And here we are, like, a quarter of a century later and none of that talking counted for anything.
All that talking could never wipe the slate clean.
I know.
But it got us this far.
How's your coffee? Um, tastes like Almond Joy.
I mean, I like an almond joy - I think I want a divorce.
- but I wanted to have coffee.
You first.
A divorce? Yes.
Seriously? We're talking to these people because you want a divorce? What are we gonna talk about if you already know? Well, I don't know.
I think.
And there's a lot to talk about.
And if it turns out that's what I want, then I can help you accept it.
And we can move on with our lives, and be good parents and grandparents together.
I don't accept it.
I didn't think you would right away.
I'm not going to accept it.
Why not? Because I love you.
I love you, too.
I-I don't think that will ever end.
Okay, I'm not clever enough to understand this.
We're fine.
This is crazy stuff.
This is the coffee shop talking.
I'd say the same thing in any golf club or steakhouse of your choosing.
It's not so hard to understand.
I I just don't know if I want to be married To me or to anyone? I can't imagine being married to anyone else, either.
We should go.
That coffee was absurd.
I knew you wouldn't like it.
You should have let me describe it.

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