State of the Union (2019) s02e03 Episode Script
Big Mustard
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, you're going to think this is personally directed, and it kind of is, but we no longer offer cow's milk.
That's a joke, right? I wish I could say it was.
- No, you don't.
- I do, honestly.
I want to make you as comfortable as possible here.
And I know things like this drive you crazy.
- So who decided? - The customers.
Kind of.
You're literally the only person that doesn't have a problem of lactose.
The milk goes off.
Nobody has a problem with lactose.
It's not a problematic thing.
A lot of people say it makes them gassy.
- Gas is a part of life.
- But it doesn't have to be.
Just because you can stop something doesn't mean you should.
Oh, so gas is an ethical issue for you.
Not ethical.
More political.
Soon all the smells of my childhood be gone.
Gasoline, tobacco, meat, farts.
[SCOFFS.]
It was character forming.
But there's a huge environmental issue with milk, too.
I think a lot of coffee shops will go our way in the end.
The day the last coffee shop in America stops serving milk, that's when you can take me to one of those clinics in Oregon.
And kill me.
You have to be able to kill yourself.
That's the law.
Even better.
Really, you rather give yourself a lethal injection than to try oat milk in coffee? Absolutely.
Depending on when.
Anyway, that's not gonna happen.
Big Dairy.
You believe there's such a thing as Big Dairy? It's not a belief.
It's a fact.
You guys can't just put the word "big" in front of everything and make it sound sinister.
You can't have Big Shaving Foam or Big Mustard.
Oh, I have friends that make artisanal condiments.
Believe me, there's a Big Mustard.
[SCOFFS.]
Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna drink it black.
Oh, like Clint Eastwood, but less sexually ambivalent.
[CHUCKLING.]
What are you doing? That guy, the one with the beard, I know him.
You know a gay man? Scott, you have hidden depths.
Here's the weird thing, though.
He's not actually gay.
The guy who just gave the other guy a French kiss is not gay.
- I know, all right? - What makes you so sure? I saw him put 20 bucks in a stripper's thong.
What? [SCOFFS.]
So you were on some sordid night out? It was work.
Took a bunch of suppliers out to dinner.
Went on somewhere.
And that poor guy had to pretend he was straight because he felt intimidated by the rest of you.
Nobody was intimidated.
I didn't tell him he had to stuff 20 bucks down there.
Okay, so you have two choices.
He was either pretending to be straight then, or he's pretending to be gay now.
Yeah, I see that.
Bi? He'd have to be a very enthusiastic bi.
Uh, why can't bi people be enthusiastic? Is that a thing? The unenthusiastic bi? I just mean he's out there.
That stripper's thong one day, kissing a man in public the next.
That's what I would do if I were bi , you know, go for it.
By the way, I'm not bi.
No.
I can't imagine you as a bi man.
I suppose I'm meant to be insulted.
Lots of women would be happy they couldn't imagine their husband being bi.
Well, I think I'd have found the infidelities easier if they've been with a man.
I would've thought, "Well, yeah.
I can't offer that.
" [CLICKS TONGUE.]
But there are very good synthetic alternatives available.
Apparently.
That's not something we need to explore.
What are we going to get out of these sessions? We're learning, don't you think? I learned that you're now a Quaker.
You don't really live at home even though we're married.
So, there's that.
- I think we're learning about - Don't say "ourselves.
" You weren't going to say ourselves were you? What does that mean? Whoever learned anything about themselves? Really.
And what is it? The only thing anyone ever learned about themselves is, what foods they like or don't like.
You never had an oyster? You try an oyster.
You hate it.
You've learnt you hate oysters.
That's it.
That's all you could learn.
What have you learned about yourself in the two sessions we had with Steve and Cindy? - Well, I've learned that you - No, not me.
You.
What have you learned about yourself with Steve and Cindy? Can we call them "Stindy"? I'd rather not.
They're the one person anyway.
What are you talking about? There's no guy in that couple.
They've melted into this ball of feminine intuition and insight.
The only male in the room is me.
- Oh, boy.
- What? - Now we're getting into it.
- What are we getting into? - [SIGHS IN EXASPERATION.]
- Steven isn't a male because What? Finish the sentence.
I can't finish the sentence.
I think Steven is a male.
Only you can finish the sentence.
But you just stopped at the word "because.
" Stopping at the word "because" is a rhetorical device to encourage elaboration of your initial point.
How was I supposed to know that? You really thought I was going to tell you why Steven isn't a guy? Yes, I was surprised, but please, I, I thought we were going to be on the same page for a minute.
I'm never going to say a guy is not a guy.
Okay.
I didn't know that about you.
I'll put that on the list with everything else.
"Will never say a guy's not a guy.
" It was all there, if you wanted to look hard enough.
Oh, had I looked hard enough, I'd have seen you are now a Quaker.
Well, no, not that.
But you could have noticed I was heading that way - Toward quaking? - It's not quaking.
How could I have noticed that? It was simply information that was withheld from me.
The details were withheld, not the general drift.
You overestimate my knowledge of Christian subsects.
I don't know how to spot general drifts of that kind.
The point is, it's all on the surface.
I'm not hiding things.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Cabdi? He is so sweet and charming This is my husband, Scott.
Hi, Scott.
You must be so proud of him.
I am.
I'm bursting.
Well, I'm bursting for the restroom.
I'll see you in a moment.
I mean, I can sort of see what you mean about Steven.
He's not a guy's guy.
He's not He's not the old Clint Eastwood, for sure.
Do you mind if we talk about the person I've never heard of for a moment? Cabdi? Oh, sure.
What do you want to know? Who is he? It's not what you think.
- What do you think I think? - That he's some kind of rival.
I think if you were sleeping with Cabdi your friend would not expect me to be proud of him.
Pride would be a weird thing to feel and to expect.
Yeah, right.
- So - He's just someone I sponsor.
Cabdi is an alcoholic? You're an alcoholic? No, I'm not that kind of sponsor.
Well, what other kind is there? The kind who pays for things? You pay for things? What things? Well, clothes, computers, that kind of stuff.
Why? Because he wouldn't have them if I didn't buy them.
But why Cabdi? Where Cabdi? Who Cabdi? When Cabdi? I was introduced to him by someone at the Friends and impressed by him.
He's 16, just arrived from Somalia.
He's had a terrible life.
So you thought I'm going to adopt him? In fact, we are gonna adopt him.
Me and you.
You're overdramatizing.
He doesn't live with us.
- Okay, but - CATHY: Scott.
I just had a thought while I was in there.
- Would you talk to my husband? - Uh, sure.
About anything in particular? About the Cabdi thing.
I'd like us to get involved.
Oh, you could take over if you want.
We don't want to be greedy.
No, I think Cathy meant she would like her and her husband to sponsor someone like Cabdi.
I would love us to.
And if I know Doug, he'll want to know all the positives and all the negatives.
How much it's going to cost him.
Eh, are you sure you don't know him already? [LAUGHING.]
Maybe you two could come to dinner.
No, we're not doing anything as a couple anymore.
We're splitting up.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
But it hasn't happened yet.
And we haven't decided for sure.
Really? I can't keep up.
We could still come to dinner.
I don't think that's fair on Doug and Cathy.
Remember the last time you got drunk and you tried to fight me? That didn't happen.
- Let's stick a pin in it - Yeah.
You could have helped someone out.
Divorce is divorce.
You can't pick and choose when we're together.
Let's go [MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, you're going to think this is personally directed, and it kind of is, but we no longer offer cow's milk.
That's a joke, right? I wish I could say it was.
- No, you don't.
- I do, honestly.
I want to make you as comfortable as possible here.
And I know things like this drive you crazy.
- So who decided? - The customers.
Kind of.
You're literally the only person that doesn't have a problem of lactose.
The milk goes off.
Nobody has a problem with lactose.
It's not a problematic thing.
A lot of people say it makes them gassy.
- Gas is a part of life.
- But it doesn't have to be.
Just because you can stop something doesn't mean you should.
Oh, so gas is an ethical issue for you.
Not ethical.
More political.
Soon all the smells of my childhood be gone.
Gasoline, tobacco, meat, farts.
[SCOFFS.]
It was character forming.
But there's a huge environmental issue with milk, too.
I think a lot of coffee shops will go our way in the end.
The day the last coffee shop in America stops serving milk, that's when you can take me to one of those clinics in Oregon.
And kill me.
You have to be able to kill yourself.
That's the law.
Even better.
Really, you rather give yourself a lethal injection than to try oat milk in coffee? Absolutely.
Depending on when.
Anyway, that's not gonna happen.
Big Dairy.
You believe there's such a thing as Big Dairy? It's not a belief.
It's a fact.
You guys can't just put the word "big" in front of everything and make it sound sinister.
You can't have Big Shaving Foam or Big Mustard.
Oh, I have friends that make artisanal condiments.
Believe me, there's a Big Mustard.
[SCOFFS.]
Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna drink it black.
Oh, like Clint Eastwood, but less sexually ambivalent.
[CHUCKLING.]
What are you doing? That guy, the one with the beard, I know him.
You know a gay man? Scott, you have hidden depths.
Here's the weird thing, though.
He's not actually gay.
The guy who just gave the other guy a French kiss is not gay.
- I know, all right? - What makes you so sure? I saw him put 20 bucks in a stripper's thong.
What? [SCOFFS.]
So you were on some sordid night out? It was work.
Took a bunch of suppliers out to dinner.
Went on somewhere.
And that poor guy had to pretend he was straight because he felt intimidated by the rest of you.
Nobody was intimidated.
I didn't tell him he had to stuff 20 bucks down there.
Okay, so you have two choices.
He was either pretending to be straight then, or he's pretending to be gay now.
Yeah, I see that.
Bi? He'd have to be a very enthusiastic bi.
Uh, why can't bi people be enthusiastic? Is that a thing? The unenthusiastic bi? I just mean he's out there.
That stripper's thong one day, kissing a man in public the next.
That's what I would do if I were bi , you know, go for it.
By the way, I'm not bi.
No.
I can't imagine you as a bi man.
I suppose I'm meant to be insulted.
Lots of women would be happy they couldn't imagine their husband being bi.
Well, I think I'd have found the infidelities easier if they've been with a man.
I would've thought, "Well, yeah.
I can't offer that.
" [CLICKS TONGUE.]
But there are very good synthetic alternatives available.
Apparently.
That's not something we need to explore.
What are we going to get out of these sessions? We're learning, don't you think? I learned that you're now a Quaker.
You don't really live at home even though we're married.
So, there's that.
- I think we're learning about - Don't say "ourselves.
" You weren't going to say ourselves were you? What does that mean? Whoever learned anything about themselves? Really.
And what is it? The only thing anyone ever learned about themselves is, what foods they like or don't like.
You never had an oyster? You try an oyster.
You hate it.
You've learnt you hate oysters.
That's it.
That's all you could learn.
What have you learned about yourself in the two sessions we had with Steve and Cindy? - Well, I've learned that you - No, not me.
You.
What have you learned about yourself with Steve and Cindy? Can we call them "Stindy"? I'd rather not.
They're the one person anyway.
What are you talking about? There's no guy in that couple.
They've melted into this ball of feminine intuition and insight.
The only male in the room is me.
- Oh, boy.
- What? - Now we're getting into it.
- What are we getting into? - [SIGHS IN EXASPERATION.]
- Steven isn't a male because What? Finish the sentence.
I can't finish the sentence.
I think Steven is a male.
Only you can finish the sentence.
But you just stopped at the word "because.
" Stopping at the word "because" is a rhetorical device to encourage elaboration of your initial point.
How was I supposed to know that? You really thought I was going to tell you why Steven isn't a guy? Yes, I was surprised, but please, I, I thought we were going to be on the same page for a minute.
I'm never going to say a guy is not a guy.
Okay.
I didn't know that about you.
I'll put that on the list with everything else.
"Will never say a guy's not a guy.
" It was all there, if you wanted to look hard enough.
Oh, had I looked hard enough, I'd have seen you are now a Quaker.
Well, no, not that.
But you could have noticed I was heading that way - Toward quaking? - It's not quaking.
How could I have noticed that? It was simply information that was withheld from me.
The details were withheld, not the general drift.
You overestimate my knowledge of Christian subsects.
I don't know how to spot general drifts of that kind.
The point is, it's all on the surface.
I'm not hiding things.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Cabdi? He is so sweet and charming This is my husband, Scott.
Hi, Scott.
You must be so proud of him.
I am.
I'm bursting.
Well, I'm bursting for the restroom.
I'll see you in a moment.
I mean, I can sort of see what you mean about Steven.
He's not a guy's guy.
He's not He's not the old Clint Eastwood, for sure.
Do you mind if we talk about the person I've never heard of for a moment? Cabdi? Oh, sure.
What do you want to know? Who is he? It's not what you think.
- What do you think I think? - That he's some kind of rival.
I think if you were sleeping with Cabdi your friend would not expect me to be proud of him.
Pride would be a weird thing to feel and to expect.
Yeah, right.
- So - He's just someone I sponsor.
Cabdi is an alcoholic? You're an alcoholic? No, I'm not that kind of sponsor.
Well, what other kind is there? The kind who pays for things? You pay for things? What things? Well, clothes, computers, that kind of stuff.
Why? Because he wouldn't have them if I didn't buy them.
But why Cabdi? Where Cabdi? Who Cabdi? When Cabdi? I was introduced to him by someone at the Friends and impressed by him.
He's 16, just arrived from Somalia.
He's had a terrible life.
So you thought I'm going to adopt him? In fact, we are gonna adopt him.
Me and you.
You're overdramatizing.
He doesn't live with us.
- Okay, but - CATHY: Scott.
I just had a thought while I was in there.
- Would you talk to my husband? - Uh, sure.
About anything in particular? About the Cabdi thing.
I'd like us to get involved.
Oh, you could take over if you want.
We don't want to be greedy.
No, I think Cathy meant she would like her and her husband to sponsor someone like Cabdi.
I would love us to.
And if I know Doug, he'll want to know all the positives and all the negatives.
How much it's going to cost him.
Eh, are you sure you don't know him already? [LAUGHING.]
Maybe you two could come to dinner.
No, we're not doing anything as a couple anymore.
We're splitting up.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
But it hasn't happened yet.
And we haven't decided for sure.
Really? I can't keep up.
We could still come to dinner.
I don't think that's fair on Doug and Cathy.
Remember the last time you got drunk and you tried to fight me? That didn't happen.
- Let's stick a pin in it - Yeah.
You could have helped someone out.
Divorce is divorce.
You can't pick and choose when we're together.
Let's go [MUSIC PLAYING.]