Stella (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode One

Do I look 42? Or do I look younger? Definitely don't look younger.
Thanks.
I don't know, do I? You're my mother.
You look like all the other mothers.
Shut up.
I'm loads younger than the other mothers coming in here.
I was only 17 when I had you, remember? Not much cop, though, am I? Past 40.
Divorced.
Three kids.
I'm not a kid.
Haven't had sex for two years.
Come on, that's nasty.
Sorry.
Bonfire Dave thinks you're a MILF, if that helps.
Does he? You do know what a MILF is, don't you? Yeah.
Mind you, he thinks Darren Lee's grandmother's a GILF, so Not really a compliment.
.
.
it doesn't really count.
Which one's Bonfire Dave? So, everything's still alright, like? Nobody is, you know? No.
You're not? I'm not being bummed, no.
Well, that's something, innit? "And pump it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
" "And pulse it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
" "Now, let's lunge.
" Ben, come on, love.
It's half past.
OK.
"And pump it.
Come on.
Two.
Three.
Four.
" Three, four.
"And pulse it.
Two.
Three.
Four.
" "Now, reach in deep, like you're giving your lady garden a really good mow.
" Mam, mun.
Don't say "lady garden", it's minging.
I done you some toast.
I can't, I'm detoxing.
Detoxing? I've got to lose a stone by next month.
There's nothing of you, love.
You want to get that Karen Vorderman.
She's much easier.
She's younger than you, though, I suppose.
Charming.
It's Carol Vorderman, not Karen.
I done you some toast.
Thanks.
And where've you put my costume? Where to have you put my costume.
What are you on about? For the environment thing, the play.
We done that, year 7.
Do you all have to dress up as carrots and that? You haven't done it, have you? Yes, I have.
It's at Nana's.
Nana can't sew.
Mam, If you haven't done it, just say.
Don't lie.
It only makes it worse.
Ben, I have made you like a Yeah, go on.
I have made you a wheat type of thing.
She haven't done it.
A wheat sheaf? Yes.
The dress rehearsal's at 4:00.
I know, I'll bring it up the school.
When? This afternoon.
At 3:00.
When? When I go to see Mr Palmer about your GCSEs.
No point.
I'm leaving Easter.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
You coming, posh boy? You're not leaving Easter.
Chemistry.
Thanks.
"Grind yourself into it.
" "Yeah.
Really grind yourself into it.
" Hush now, good girl, isn't it? We definitely had a few kicking round last year somewhere.
Let me just get that, and I'll be down in a sec.
Right, let's plonk you on the chair a minute, and we'll get you sorted.
OK? Bobby.
Don't plonk.
Sorry.
Simpson's Funeral Services.
Paula speaking.
"- Hiya, it's me, it is.
- Your mobile's off.
" "What's a wheat look like?" "You know, a wheat thing.
" Who needs to know? "It's for Ben, it is.
" He's doing this thing after school about GM crops or something.
"I forgot to do him a costume.
" You're such a shit mother.
I know.
You hungover? Yep.
And I got four cremations in a row.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but she don't like the shroud, and I'm running out of options.
Stell, I've gotta go.
I'll have a think.
"Yeah, alright.
" Still over? Just.
82.
I have, you twonk.
They had one in Leeds over by Roundhair Park.
I know, but you never went.
Mum would never let you.
Mum never knew, did she? Alright? Morning.
Em, did you know they're opening a Vodka Lodge in Cardiff? The one in Leeds is wicked.
Yeah.
Put him down, will you? It's embarrassing.
What you reading, arse-head? Oi, less of the arse-head.
You alright? Ben, whoa, Ben.
Look, you know what you need, don't you? What'll toughen you up a bit? Rugby.
Rugby.
Aye, that's right.
You want to come down the Rec Saturday mornings? Under 15s.
And, bring your mam, if you like.
No point, she won't go out with you.
They're here.
Right, unpack those urns for me.
Check there's no cracks in them.
Don't forget now, me and you got a date up Sidoli's later.
We're on for a custard slice.
What's he like, Paul? I've got customers.
Stop it.
Come on, then.
Alright? He's got a jippy hoof, Stell.
Who? Glen or the horse? Hey, you seeing your boy today? Yeah, he's got his school show on up the school.
No, no.
Your Luke, not little Ben.
Yeah, I am, as it goes.
He's on weekly visiting now.
Ask him if he knows our Graham's youngest, Ashley.
Got sent down Tuesday week.
Aggravated robbery with intent to harm.
He's a lovely boy.
Four years they gave him.
You never know, him and Luke, they might become chums.
Yeah.
Aye.
Chums, is it? He's laughing now.
You should have seen him this morning.
Face like a ripped dap.
So long.
See you, love.
Right, today, please, don't be a bastard.
Thank you.
Right, let's get him in the shower.
Right.
Come on, boy.
She looks so cold, don't she? Cold in life, but not in death.
That's what we like to say.
No, cold in death, she meant.
Death, yes.
Aye.
Is it OK to touch her? She won't you know? Bruise? No.
Sing to her, bach.
Sing to Mammy.
I'm sorry.
That was just so I know, son.
Gets you right in the cock, don't it? In the what? Cock of your throat.
Is it OK if I to keep her warm? Course.
Of course it is.
She knitted it, see.
Keep her all cwtched up, is it? Would you excuse me a moment? Right, after three.
One.
Two.
Three.
"Hiya, this is Stella.
Leave a message after the tone.
" Stell, give me a ring when you get this.
I think I've sorted your problem.
Hey, love, do you do dogs? No, bugger off.
Stell! Hiya.
Alan.
Alright? Where you off to? Usual.
Ironing, see Luke.
Look, I better go.
Yeah, listen, I've a little present.
Anchovies.
They're a type of fish.
Nice on toast.
Bit of mustard.
Alright, keep your hair on.
I love you.
Hiya.
You off to see your little Luke? He's not little no more, Bobs.
He'll be 25 now in a few months.
Should be out by then, isn't it? Yes.
There you go.
Harvest festival costume.
Have to use your imagination, like.
You pissed? Slightly.
But he is driving.
It's rubbish, mun, Paul.
At least it's the right colour.
I will need it back tonight.
I thought harvest was autumn time? It's not actually harvest festival.
It's a play, it is.
About, GM crops or something.
My uncle Roger had them.
Nasty.
You're late.
I've got yoga.
I know.
Only ten minutes, mind.
Two of last week's shirts were on metal hangers.
I won't tell you again.
They have to be wooden or I'll use the Pole.
I don't think I've got a pole.
The Polish girl.
Don't be dense.
Any chance of a refill, Mrs B.
What am I like? Do you want some Earl Grey this time? Or some lapsang souchong? Yeah, I'll give it a go, as long as it's hot.
Alright? Alright? And do that red blouse on 30.
OK.
See ya.
Yeah, see you.
Look at this one.
She's drawn a little bear.
"To my bampy bear.
I'll miss you.
Big bear cuddles.
" That sweet, isn't it? Megan.
Little granddaughter, I expect.
No, his cleaner.
Serious? Yup.
He used to dress up as a bear and pour porridge over them both, and she'd spank him with a wooden spoon.
Was it hot, the porridge? I don't know, do I? It wouldn't have scolded mind, through the fur.
So, I don't suppose it mattered.
It's funny what people are into, isn't it? They say death do make you horny.
Survival instinct or something.
I don't see the attraction myself.
Bingo.
78.
I'm legal.
You ever done it in a skip? No.
I have.
Alright? What are you doing here? Seeing Palmer.
About Emma.
She never said you was coming.
She's my kid and all, you know.
It's not like you, that's all.
I can't remember a single time you've come up the school about the kids.
Well, Nadine's up for a job.
Classroom assistant.
Nadine's coming? She thought she'd come, so she could make a good impression, like.
Bloody hell, there's nowhere to park.
It's disgusting.
There better be a space with the job, Carl.
That's all I'm saying.
Alright, Stell? Yeah.
I'll see you in there.
I've got to find Ben.
Give him his costume.
Don't worry, we're sorted.
Na's got a mate works in the costume shop in town.
I've got him a wheat thing.
It's like a Wheat sheaf.
Aye.
Great.
So, what do you say? Thanks, Nadine.
Nay-deen.
Stunning, isn't it? Yeah.
Any time, presh.
Just glad to have got you out of a hole, that's all.
Put it on, then.
What about your one? That Nana's sewing? Don't worry.
Nadine's one's much better than mine and Nana's.
Nay-deen, it is.
But you went to all that trouble.
Don't be daft, mun.
It's nothing.
Listen, I've got to go.
See Mr Palmer about Emma's exams.
See you at the show, OK? Mam, is that it in there? Yeah, but don't worry.
Can Alex Rees have it? His mother forgot to do one.
That's disgusting, that is.
Her own son.
I love kids, me.
Go on, then.
Tell him it's not as good as Nadine's one, alright? Nay-deen.
Good luck, son.
Yeah, crack a leg.
Well, this brings back memories.
Not for me, it don't.
What, you never got suspended? No.
Cane? Detention.
Of course I got detention.
Everyone got detention.
I thought you wasn't the same year? We weren't.
Carl's even older than me.
Aren't you? Only by two years.
Three, actually.
I was only two years above you.
Don't make any difference to me.
He's got the body of a 30-year-old.
Haven't you, babes? Sorry to keep you, Mr and Mrs Morris.
Yeah.
And I'm the step-mum.
Not yet.
Nadine Bevan.
You might recognise me from my application form.
Classroom assistant.
I love kids, me.
Right.
Come on in, then.
I still don't see what your problem is.
I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life.
I went there to tell him to make Emma sit her exams What's the point? She don't want to.
The point is so she can have a better life! Let's face it, Stella, the girl is thick as shit.
She's like me.
No, she's not! What's the point of her wasting time? May as well get a skill with hairdressing and beauty and shit.
She can go anywhere then.
She'll earn a fortune on the cruises.
Shut up, Nadine! Charming.
Look, you may have no ambition whatsoever for your daughter, but I have.
I want her to make the best.
To have a better life.
To make a better life Better than you, yeah? I don't want her waking up when she's 40-odd Divorced.
.
.
Three kids One in prison.
.
.
no qualification and wondering where it all went wrong.
You have gone a bit podgy, mind.
Shut up, Nadine.
Wait in the car.
Podgy, I said.
Not fat.
Look, come on, mun.
I know you want what's best, like.
She's our little girl.
But you've got to be realistic.
She wants to leave, Stell.
You've got to let her.
You've got a bit of hanging out your nose.
There.
What's really bothering you? You can tell me, can't you? You're the mother of two of my children, for God's sake.
We were married for eight years.
I've seen your arse.
And your panini.
Don't say panini.
I don't know.
I'm just feeling a bit old, I am.
Yeah, I know.
Come here.
Snow.
Do you think it's the menopause, like? You'd be lucky, good girl.
My God.
For your daughter, but I have.
Mr Lewis? Aye.
Paula Kosh.
Simpson's Funeral Services.
About your late mother.
I thought you'd be a bloke, like.
Can I, first of all, offer my deepest condolences to you and your family.
I've got no family.
My wife left six weeks ago.
Did she? Have you been drinking? No.
Right.
You'd better come in then.
Hush a minute.
Mam! Stop it.
Mam! She's not here.
Well, get up them stairs.
Mam! What are you doing wearing my clothes? What are you doing taking the pill? Please, take your time.
I can't believe Mam's gone.
I saw her every day.
Or we'd speak on the phone.
How in God's name am I going to manage without her? It's alright.
It's best just to let it out.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Right.
I'm OK.
OK.
You can carry on.
We'll talk about the funeral details in a bit.
But first of all, I need to take a look at your mother.
I need to measure her.
Is she upstairs? Aye.
I'll take you up.
Up there.
Very well.
There's something you should know, Mrs Mrs Kosh, is it? You can call me Paula.
The thing is, Paula, I've already bought Mam a coffin.
You think that's weird, don't you? Depends.
Oak or pine? Oak.
Handles, brass or wood? Brass.
Satin lined, or silk? Leather.
God.
Right, I've got 54 minutes.
Excellent.
Shouting at me is not gonna stop me.
I have drilled it into you since you were this high, you've got your Whole life ahead of me, yeah.
I don't want it ahead of me.
I want it on top of me, like That boy on top of you, more like.
He's not a boy, and I'm not a girl.
I'm a woman.
I'm 16! So childish.
You're showing off! Who am I showing off in front of? You know what I mean! You always say that! Look, Sunny is the only one I've done it with.
Most of my friends are on their third.
I love him.
He's my soul mate.
Don't say he's your soulmate.
I'll be sick.
But he is.
You can talk.
You was having sex at my age.
You had Luke.
At least I'm on the pill.
Go on, throw that back in my face, why don't you? It's true, isn't it? You're too young.
I was too young.
I messed up my whole life.
I don't want you making the same stupid mistakes.
Luke's a stupid mistake, is he? That's nice.
I didn't mean it like that.
Why are you being so thick, Mam? Everyone does it these days.
Trudy Lewis have been doing it since year nine.
And Gemma Price.
You are not Trudy Lewis or Emma Price.
Gemma.
It's Gemma Price.
Sweetheart, you can have more choices than I did, that's all.
There's plenty of time for sex.
Right.
Wait until I'm your age, is it? Cos you're at it day and night.
Got a string of men knocking on your door wanting to shag the arse off you.
Em.
Sorry.
Mam, I'm sorry.
I'm late for Ben's play! I think the leather's going this end.
Needs a new lining.
Rubbing you, is it, babe? It is a bit.
I'm doing casserole for tea.
Lamb.
We'll have that collie with it, shall we? It's on the turn, like.
Right, pull me out.
I've got to get up the school.
How comes? I leant something to Stella.
I've got to get it back.
I'll be home after that.
You want to play later? I'll be a plumber or a man from Sky.
Nah, love.
We need to rest your leg.
Let's save it up, is it? Alan Alright? Hello, love.
Little Alan's playing a marrow.
So I heard.
Stell, over by here, kid.
Alright, Dad? Alright, Mam? Hello, love.
Exciting, isn't it? Yeah.
Hi, Stell.
Hiya.
Little Alan's playing a marrow.
Great.
How's Ben? Nervous? Does he know his lines? Well, he doesn't have to say much.
Just stand there being a wheat thing.
Sheaf.
Don't spoil it for me now.
Don't tell me what happens.
Hello.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you very much.
It's the Howells.
Idris Howells.
Lost his wife last week.
You were in school with his daughter.
Bloody hell.
Is that Lisa Howells? She used to be massive.
We had a fight once, me and her.
School trip to Dodington.
Outside the bouncy castle.
Here we go.
That's him.
That's him.
That's him.
Marrow be I, and gift I give to all around.
I made that for him.
Great.
In America, they call me the eggplant.
Eggplant? Yes, but I prefer Gene.
Aubergine.
What's an aubergine, babes? I don't know.
Is it an apple? I am the chief.
The chief of the wheat.
I stand all day in Ben was meant to wear that.
Nadine got it for him.
Where is he then? Where's Ben? What have we got on? Go on, Benny boy.
You find me on Cobs, you find me in flakes.
- I make tasty pop - Corn.
And sometimes make cakes.
That's my mammy's dress.
You stole my mammy's dress.
Leave him alone.
Move away from the stage.
Oi, what do you think you're doing, Lisa Howells? Lisa, love, sit down.
Come on.
Get away from my boy! No-one touches my mammy's things! What are you on about? That's my friend's.
No it's not.
It's my mammy's! I haven't forgotten Dodington, Lisa Howells! Fight! Fight! Fight! Is this part of the play? Don't be a fool, Meg.
Go on, Stell.
Get in there, go on.
Hey, that's dirty! Alright, ladies.
Put it down, Lisa Howells.
It's not your mammy's dress! So, she was wearing it, and she was actually dead? It's not catching, Stell, being dead.
It's not like measles.
I'd better get it back before they notice.
Did you hear that? This boy of yours, loyal as a blind dog, didn't wear Nadine's costume.
He didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Babes, that's so sweet.
Thanks.
Mam.
Shame your sister's not more like you.
Heck.
You fallen out again? It's nothing.
She's just very rude and offensive and common, and has no respect for her mother whatsoever.
Where've I heard that before? I'm this way.
You alright to drive, Paul? Yeah, two points under.
See ya.
Yeah.
Bye, then.
Ta-ra, Paul Ta-ra.
Bollocks.
Police, please.
Someone's stolen my hearse.
Not my purse, my hearse.
You don't know the meaning of novelty until you hear me speak.
Dirty, dirty bitches.
Hey, Cranford's on.
Just started.
It's a good one.
Who are you with? There's no need to panic, Mr Kosh.
Your wife's been the victim of a crime.
Babe, what happened? What's going on? I'm fine.
She's had her hearse stolen.
What, up at that the school show? Yeah.
Little bastards.
They take it from your bag? No, not her purse, her hearse.
I'll tell you what, why don't you make us all a nice cuppa? And I can get some more details from you.
Aye.
I'll stick the kettle on.
Hang on.
I got it.
What? Very good.
Very good.
No, Dai, this is serious.
They've really stolen it.
Yeah, right.
No, they have.
This is no joke, Mr Kosh.
Car theft is a serious crime.
And has anybody been reprimanded yet, Officer? Has anybody been caught? Dai, love, you've got it wrong.
What are you gonna do when you catch him? Dai! Will you have to cuff him, will you? Bloody good uniform she've got, Paul.
Better than that one you got from Marshall's.
Right! Sorry, sir, but you were warned! Alright, mun.
Don't hurt him.
Butterfly.
Butterfly.
That's a code word, officer.
Look, we play these games.
Alright? I know the answer to that one.
It's cos it's a liquid.
Aye.
How'd it go? OK.
Did he remember his lines? Yeah, I did.
I wasn't asking you? Right, Ben, I'm going upstairs to call auntie Paula.
Bed in ten minutes, please.
Childish.
I'll go and live at Nan and Gumpa's! Yeah, it might be better if you did.
She's really upset.
Shut up, arse-head.
Mam, Emma called me an arse-head.
That's a good call.
Good call.
Off you go.
Ready? Next one.
Go.
Good call, son.
Excellent.
Down.
No, no.
No, no.
Excellent.
OK, boys, in you come.
Come in.
We've got a new boy today, right? He's part of the team.
So, I don't want no shit off none of you.
Got me? Alright, back on the drill.
Alright? Yeah.
Alright, here we go.
Back with it.
Where's Ben? Playing chess.
You still not talking to Emma? No, I won't be spoken to like that, Paul.
It was disgusting.
You sound like Nadine.
You used to go weeks not speaking to your mother.
You want it the same with Emma? She effectively called me a dried-up old maid.
Yeah, well, truth hurts, don't it? What? When did you last have sex? That's got nothing to do with it.
Hey now, good girl.
We can't all be like you and Dai, at it three times a week.
Six.
Alright, I don't want to know.
He's my brother.
Two Christmases ago, from Newport.
Made a clucking sound when he How in God's name do you remember details like that? There's not many of them, love.
You idiot.
Any joy? Not really.
She's on her last legs, beaut.
So is your sister.
So is your wife.
Bloody hell.
Ben? I've been playing rugby.
No, you've been playing chess.
It's cool.
Can I go next week? Al thinks I'm really good, don't you? Hang on a minute.
I've never seen nothing like it.
I thought he'd be shit.
All the boys did.
I thought they'd kick his head in and everything.
But he's stunning.
Truly.
Fast as a bastard.
Could be another Jonathan.
Ross? Davies.
Well done, kid.
We'll have you playing for Wales now.
Don't encourage him, Dai, mun.
Go in the shower, please.
OK.
See you, Al.
See you later.
Bye.
I think he wanted to surprise you.
Bless him.
Yeah, well, thanks.
I suppose.
No, no.
Thank you.
Stell, there's a bit of a do on at the club, like, tonight.
Curry buffet and a free pint.
If you fancy going? I can pay for yours, if you want.
Alan, I couldn't.
It's not a problem.
It's only £3.
No, I didn't mean I mean, it's very nice of you to ask and that.
Three pound? It's a bargain.
I think that's a brilliant idea.
Can me and Dai come? Aye.
Cos we were just saying we needed a night out, weren't we, Stell? OK.
I can't pay for you two as well, mind.
Wouldn't dream of it, butt.
See you up there about 7:00, is it? Alright.
It's a date.
No, it's not a date.
Alan, it's not a date.
No, no.
Turn of phrase, like.
Well done, girl.
Back in the saddle.
Don't even speak to me.
Is Alan your boyfriend now? Don't be daft.
You've got lipstick on.
It's only a curry buffer.
Buffet.
It's still a night out, isn't it? Why do I have to go to Nana's when Emma's here? Well, because Emma might want to go out.
How do you know? You haven't spoken to her for three days.
What? Alright? We weren't doing owt.
OK.
I'm going to this curry thing.
Down the rugby club.
Ben's going to Nana's.
OK.
What about you two? God, I don't know, Mam, alright? Alright.
Bloody hell.
Don't say I didn't try.
Stella.
May I? Nah, you're alright.
Where's Paula? Tucking in.
Alright? Beautiful.
Hey, how's things with Emma? I don't know.
Shall we get drunk? Shall we get drunk? Shall we get drunk? I got us a table.
Well, a third of a table.
Stella, curry.
Ladies first.
She's beautiful, isn't she? Who, my sister? Like an Afghan hound.
Sleek.
God.
That was 1982.
I know.
30 years.
Why am I so old? You're not as old as Glen.
Or Marge.
Or me.
46 in June.
Still fit as a butcher's dog.
Give or take a leg injury.
We've got the raffle coming up in 15 minutes.
Right.
Got you a raffle ticket.
W, thanks, Al.
Whoa.
Easy, tiger.
What do you think you're doing? Sorry, I just thought the curry buffet, the music, the raffle.
It'll take more than a £3 chicken tikka to get me into bed, good boy.
Just thought I was in with a chance, that's all.
Everbody says you're desperate.
Charming.
Who told you that? Wasn't me.
Wasn't me.
I remember this.
Come on.
Come on, you two.
This is me.
You can all bugger off now.
Thank you for a top, top night.
Shouldn't we see you to the door? Nah.
Come back to my house if you like.
I've got Cluedo, Mousetrap.
Not tonight, Josephine.
We've got a little game of our own to be playing.
Buckaroo? Yeah, something like that.
OK.
Au Revoir.
Nos da.
Nos da! Arrivederci.
Arrivederci! Hey, Shergar, why the long face? Where's Sunil? Gone home.
I had a brilliant night.
You two had a row or something? No.
Switch that off a minute, babes.
Can we make friends? What you said Mam.
Look, it wouldn't have bothered me if it wasn't true.
I have gone to the dogs a bit.
Gone a bit lazy, like.
But I'm going to make more of an effort from now on.
I'm only 42.
It's not the end of the world, for God's sake.
And I've been thinking tonight, and don't laugh, right.
How about if I do some GCSEs or something? I've got more time on my hands now, with you and Ben getting older.
We can do them together, if you don't want to stay in school.
We can sign up for the TEC together.
What do you reckon? It'll be funny.
Mam, I'm pregnant.
Don't be stupid, you're on the pill.
I've been to see the doctor and everything.
12 weeks.
You're gonna be a nana.
So, you don't tell your father, you certainly don't tell Nadine, and you don't breathe a word of it to Nana Meg or Gumpa.
Fucking hell, Stell.
Can you believe it? Where is she? You're going to love being a nana.
There's nothing cocking like it.
We'd be happy to give them the flat upstairs, for instance.
But only if they get married? That's the deal.
My God, I don't know your name.
It's Sean.
Hiya, I'm Stella.
Alright?