Stella (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode Three

As soon as I'm 18 we can marry.
Great.
So wait till you're 18 then I can't wait for you to come home.
I'm counting the hours.
Look what he got me, Mam.
Em.
I proper love him, Mam.
I know you proper do.
My God.
I don't know your name.
It's Sean.
Hiya.
I'm Stella.
This one's Ben.
You look like you've got a book in hand already.
Yeah.
And that one's you.
That's the 12-week one, I think.
Hang on.
Compare it with mine.
They look alike, mind, don't they? Really? Yeah, deffo.
What about Luke? You got any of him? Not a scan, no.
But somewhere Here it is.
He was only about an hour old there.
Looks quite cross, mind, doesn't he, even then? Shut up! Joking, I am.
He's cute.
I've done your tomatoes.
Nice one, Benny boy.
Do you want the sugar on top or on the side? That's lovely.
Thanks.
Elastic bands, I liked.
Just chewing 'em.
Ten at a time.
It says here that Stella means star, in Latin.
I know it do.
Got any jam, Stel? I thought you was doing a family tree.
The more details you give, the more marks you get.
You seriously need to get a life.
There you go.
What's Emma mean anyway? Very wide.
Shut up, no it doesn't.
Tell him, Mam! It means unique.
Thanks, babe.
Right! I am thinking of getting bunk beds for when Luke gets home.
Can I have top bunk, Mam? Can I? Can I? I don't know.
I've gotta buy 'em first.
How much do you reckon I got in here? Where did he sleep before, Luke? He had a bedsit down Lambey Way.
Can't go back there, of course.
Pump up the Lillo, I told her.
Don't be daft.
He could go to an halfway house.
That's what most prisoners do.
Then they get a tag.
Will he have a tag and a probation officer? No.
Sunny, look, this kind of thing.
Let's see.
What's that? My wedding sari.
I fancy something like this.
That's nice.
When we going shopping? Don't worry.
Tanisha's sorting it.
She likes doing stuff like that.
But I wanna come.
It'll probably be a weekday.
We'll probably have to go Cardiff.
So? Don't you want me there? Dur! Obviously.
But if you're busy, it's fine, that's all.
Come on.
See you.
Emma? Can I have a lift to school? When you getting the car fixed? It's on the list.
Is there always gonna be a list? Yep! Ta-da! What do you think? Yeah, nice.
If you'd seen him first thing, he looked like Gandalf.
- He said I should go pro, didn't you? - My God! Yes you did! Volume down.
He said I could make a career of it.
You've got a career by here, good boy.
I know, I'm run off my feet.
It's not my fault, the recession.
People aren't dying like they did.
Alright? Now, 14 down, seven letters, B something R something, something, something D.
Brother? I thank you.
Cashing your giros? No, little Alan's college fund.
I do five pound every fortnight without fail.
How long you been doing that? Three weeks now.
Building a little nest egg, I am.
Karl? Alright, Jag, how's my fellow Granddad holding up? I've booked the stag, my friends.
A Grease the Musical themed weekend in Weston Super Mare.
I'm thinking of going as Kenicke.
Everyone will want to be Danny but I'm going for the curve ball route.
Stunning.
That's what Sunil wanted, is it? Sorry.
Sorry.
Hiya, Stel.
Alright, Stel? I couldn't push in a minute, could I, babes? I'm on a schedule.
There's others waiting.
Morning, love, wow, that's a big one.
Big baby.
Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch a tiger by his vodka.
See, if I do any further up, I'll have to take a few slacks.
My.
- Randall, Sammy Tandall.
- Sammy Tandall, Sammy Brandall.
Hiya, Stel.
That's all there was in there for them bunks.
I'm thinking of signing on.
I've never known it so slow.
People aren't dying like they used to, apparently.
What's going on? Hal? Dick the Kick.
He's dead.
No! Who's Dick the Kick? I need a drink.
He's a legend.
Our legend.
Wh What's all this kick business? It's his claim to fame, man.
Dick scored the winning kick against the All Blacks in '53.
From a 90-degree angle.
Some people called it a mathematical impossibility.
God.
The whole town will be devastated.
I know.
They're bringing him up the club now.
Hero's return, innit? Hang on.
Dick's coming home? Yeah.
Sorry.
Lad I knew, Dia Davies, the chairman of the rugby club, he just rang me.
He wants to see you about doing the funeral like.
I am over.
Bobs, fire up the hearse.
We've got work to do.
Coming? Yeah.
Come on.
Mr Davies? Is he having a stroke? Sorry.
It's all the emotion, it is.
Come on.
We've just finished laying him.
You were saying about Dick's neighbour.
Mrs Richards, yeah.
Poor woman found him dead on the kazi yesterday.
Like Elvis he was.
In a jumpsuit? Did, Mrs Richards bring the body here herself? No, she's 96, man.
I sent a couple of the rugby lads down for him.
One's a butcher, see? So he was refrigerated like.
They didn't use the hook, obviously.
Out of respect.
See this? This is the very same ball that Dick the Kick kicked.
Gotta be laid to rest with him, don't you think? Hasn't stopped.
I've had Max Boyce, Barry John and Michael Ball on the blower today.
All asking when the funeral is.
He'll need a proper big send off like in the olden days.
You gotta make it huge.
Unlike him.
So, Paula, what do you reckon? Can you do it? Can you give Dick a funeral he'll never forget? This is amazing.
Where in God's name did you find it? So what do we want? We want impact, we want style, we want class.
Want these mushy peas? No, thanks, I'm trying not to.
So what you're saying is we gotta make a big splash? Exactly.
We want death like you've never seen it done before.
A funeral so huge the whole town will want one.
Speculate to accelerate.
Deffo.
Get the old Simpsons funeral carriage out.
Daddy and Dia can lead the procession in full chief mourners what is it? Dia Davies or Dia Cosh? Dia Cosh, of course, our Dia.
I think we should have a band and all.
Brass.
And replica rugby jerseys from 1953 for the coffin bearers to wear.
With numbers 10's on the back.
I'll iron them on.
My cousin Gemma done that in Falaraki.
With jerseys? Thongs.
OK.
I am seeing a huge, open casket.
So he can lie in state with the mourners traipsing past.
That's the ticket.
What about the wake? The food? Finger buffet at the club.
Sorry.
Yahoo! I tell you what, this funeral is gonna be major.
I just seen Hugh Edwards interviewing someone down Londis.
Bought a new dress.
Booked in for a Jamaican tropical at the dentist.
The dentist? They gotta diversify these days.
That dental nurse is a genius with a tan gun, apparently.
Hey, Stel.
Alright? How you coping? I'm baring up.
You haven't seen little Alan, have you? He's gone rogue on me again.
Always does it when we come here.
I should keep him on a leash.
There he is.
Alan! They They want me to say a few words at Dick's funeral.
Dia asked me.
Dia Cosh or Dia Davies? Dia Davies.
Don't suppose you'll have a gander of what I've got here? I don't if that's an I or Y, at the end of Mugabe.
Brum-brum! Cats in a bucket! Dad, I'm stuck! Dad! What do you think you're playing at? He's alright, he's well insulated.
Little Al.
Alright? Hiya.
Long time, no see.
Right.
Well, can't stop.
He don't do big shops, see? Sends him demented.
Come on.
Come on.
See you again.
Ta-ra.
See you, mate.
How was Emma's party? You glad you went in the end? Yeah.
Yeah, it was great.
Thanks for making me see sense.
Course now I've gotta fork out for a bloody wedding.
Bunk beds? Yep.
You building these yourself? Yeah, why? Nothing.
Just can't imagine it, that's all.
I'm not just a pretty face, you know? I am also a qualified carpenter.
Right.
And if you help me load this lot onto the trike, I'll buy you a tea in a polystyrene cup.
She's living the dream.
Yes.
Emma, come on love, it's half one, you're gonna be late.
I'm changing my bra.
So what's the latest with the wedding sari? When we going shopping like? Sunil? What it is, there's a shop my mum wants to go to but it's got a waiting list so it could be weeks.
Emma! We haven't got weeks.
We got the hen do, then the last exam, then the wedding, then the baby.
It's all planned out.
That's better.
The cups were rubbing.
Right.
So long.
God, it's like kicking out time up Draeger Arms in here.
Hey, Bobby, while I'm here, don't suppose you could have a quick gander at my speech, could you? For the service like.
Can't remember if it's Pol Pot or Pole Pot.
Any other one than Nessun Dorma? Never mind hit with the ugly stick, they've been bludgeoned with it.
We can't have them front and centre at the funeral, can we? That's what the British media's gonna think.
This is Wales' reputation on the line here, Daddy.
I gotta do something about it.
It's top, that is.
Top of the pops.
We got a bit of a problem with our mourners.
Not now, Bobs.
Use your initiative, yeah? So, how long you got this clobber for? Starting about 40 minutes ago.
This is amazing.
Where in God's name did you find it? Remember my cousin, Suzy? Married that chap from Bosnia and he didn't have no relatives so they shipped them in, got 'em from Von, didn't she? Von's got allsorts on her books.
What is it, like an extras agency? Yeah.
Based in Newport.
It's gonna cost mind.
Stick it on the bill.
Come on then.
Let the dog see the rabbit.
Careful.
Lift here.
Don't! Mammy, I've just started.
Hello there, Von.
I'm looking to book around 40 of your best clients.
We should've built 'em upstairs.
Bobs, that came this morning.
I think it's the jerseys.
Thanks.
Lift it! Will Scott be able to do anything about this moustache? Excellent.
God, it's like another prison cell in here.
What's he coming home to, Dad? No bars on the windows and a lot of love.
Stop worrying, you'll give yourself an ulcer.
Or a gland.
We'll see ourselves out.
See you later.
Bye.
Stel? Visitor! Go on up, kid.
Bollocks.
I like the colour.
Suits you.
What you doing here? That's nice.
Came to help with the bunk beds.
Really? Why? I wanted to impress you.
Keep up.
Stella! It's the jerseys.
They haven't sent number 1s and Dick was 10.
You said everybody had to wear a replica.
They've only got 0s.
Cup of tea? I mean, maybe it's like symbolic like.
Like he were a 10 and now he's a 0.
Ta.
You're not helping, sweetheart.
In fact, you're freaking me out.
Is Bobby your fella? OK.
Hang on.
Give it here a minute.
How about? Angels and roses.
What's he like, Stel? Brains and biceps.
He can come to the funeral.
He can be a bearer.
Can he be a bearer, can he? Alright, Bobs.
Calm down, you're getting hysterical.
Sean, look, it's up to you like.
Do you wanna bear Dick? They've pulled out all the stops.
Princess Di's had nothing on this.
Bobby's on the verge of a breakdown.
Who's this Sean fella? He's just this decorator fella.
Bobby thinks he's the bees knees.
What? What you grinning at? You.
My boy's coming home in a month and that's what's making me smile.
You're mad, you are.
It is a month, isn't it? I've got time, haven't I? For what? Nothing.
I don't want you outside with a banner and balloons.
Yanto's mam did that and he got his head kicked in.
Keep your hair on.
No, I've just made you something, I have.
It's not finished yet.
That's alright then.
Might have a surprise for you and all.
Really? Like what? You haven't got no-one pregnant, have you? What? My God.
You're not bringing none of this lot home, are you? Yeah, Mam, Bonfire Dave.
Don't give him nothing flammable to play with! I do worry.
Obviously.
About you coming home.
I know.
Cos you know what people are like.
They can be bastard bastards.
They never forgive and they always They always remember, yeah.
Still, got you on my side, haven't I? Yeah.
Me and Bonfire Dave.
So, how many uncles did you have, Grandpa? Two.
Or was it three? Four.
You forgot Glynn.
Very sad.
Auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Where they hang themselves with an orange.
Lovely man, wasn't he? Salt of the earth.
Leave it! So, you had four uncles, I got two on Dad's side.
How many's Luke got? On Rob Morgan's side? Who's Rob Morgan? Luke's Dad.
We didn't count him.
But I have to.
It's a family tree.
Just put "father unknown".
Don't be so bloody minded.
He was only a boy.
He was man enough to do you know what.
Don't not to mention his name again in this house or your mother's.
Why's Nana so dramatic? I've no idea but as a general rule, you'll find life's easier if you do what she says.
He's just having his tea.
Hiya.
Hello, love.
Sorry I'm late.
It takes longer on the bus.
Mam, Grandpa's uncle killed himself with an orange.
This is the worst day of my life.
Me too, Gethin.
Nadine, didn't recognise you.
What do you reckon? Well I know, so natural, innit? You'd think I was born like this.
Alright.
They were doing two for the price of one.
Karl says I look like Kelly Brook.
Daddy, that's quite racist what you've just said.
There you are.
Bunking off school, are you? Aye, but it's education, innit? Death.
I suppose so.
I'm heading on up the crem.
Wanna make sure we get a good seat.
Coming or what? Come on, boys.
And the rest.
Come on.
I said I was sorry.
He had a riding crop and everything.
It would've been criminal not to use it.
Too much information.
No need to worry about Bobs, I only had a soggy headset and the flowers.
If it weren't for Stel, we wouldn't have no jerseys neither.
We got there in the end, didn't we? Correction.
We, me and her.
You can seal the coffin.
Good luck cos that ball ain't going nowhere.
But I was supposed- Use your initiative.
Come here.
Sorry, but Bobby Joe to Paula Pie, is the eagle ready to fly? What are you on about? It's code, innit? Can we get going? Yes, you soft sods.
Right then.
I'll be at the back.
And the music? Are we good to go? For God's sake, will you just get on with it? Bobby Joe to Stella Bella, the keys are clear to tinkle.
Weren't they supposed to be a brass band? Brass, steel, it's all metal, innit? We love you, Dick! You're the best, Dick! We'll miss you, Dick! He was the biggest Dick in the world.
How excited are you? About the funeral? Emma's wedding sari.
Of course, she'll have to tie it so it covers up the bump.
She's really starting to show, nuh? Still, it's so exciting.
Shame about the waiting list, mind.
There'll be no waiting list at Saharli Silks, I can assure you.
It's very, bargain basement.
If you catch my drift.
That's the shop that Emma wanted.
That Emma wanted? And please don't take this the wrong way, Stella, but Felicia and I would like to go halves.
Don't be daft.
I don't want to hear another word.
It's hardly gonna break the bank.
After all, this may be my, our, only chance to buy a wedding sari.
What about Jasminder? We're not sure she's the marrying kind.
Much more likely to have a string of purely physical encounters.
Mam! Hiya, Stel.
Hiya.
Hey, I've got a bone to pick with you.
What now? I've just been chatting with Jag and Tan about the wedding sari.
They say they wanna go halves.
Do they? You know they do and that's why you picked a cheapo sari shop so I wouldn't look skint in front of the in-laws.
Don't have a go now.
She was only thinking of you, Stel.
You silly buggers.
Don't worry about the money.
I'll sort something.
Your auntie Paula's gonna give me a few quid for helping out today.
Ta, Mam.
Cheers, Stel.
I'll have all my babies under one roof again soon.
When's he getting out then, Luke? Two, no four weeks tomorrow.
Sun's never met him, have you, babe? Nah.
He got sent down exactly a month before we met.
Sad old day, isn't it? We've lost a true hero.
- Aye.
- Aye.
Aye.
I know you've had to make a fair few speeches in your time.
True.
Has he? I was wondering if I could call upon your expertise? What, to make a speech? No, no, no.
I want him to read mine.
Dia's asked me to say a few words about Dick.
Dia Davies or Dia Cosh? Davies.
Aye, go on.
Nice to see you, Gareth.
When are they gonna let us in, Karl? It's disgusting keeping us out here like a bunch of dogs.
We're all grieving, for God's sake.
Hush a minute.
Anyway, Rob Morgan came up from Georgetown.
What you on about? Luke's Dad.
Boy's doing a family thing.
Family tree.
Look! Smile for the camera! It's a funeral.
So, how many brothers and sisters did he have, Rob Morgan? Can't remember.
I know he had a sister I might've known, like.
Family had a bit of money, I suppose.
His father ran Morgan Kemp.
I remember that, pill-popping factory.
Pill packing factory.
So, when Rob got your mam up the duff, his parents were gutted like.
So they sold the lot and moved to Canada.
Became a builder.
Yeah, Ash Valley Construction.
I looked it up.
Proper detective.
Anyway, stunning for me that he left obviously cos I got your mam and Em and you.
And me.
And then you got me.
Aye.
Aye.
Best not to mention Rob to Stella though.
Bit of a sore point like.
A winning soul with a winning kick.
His rugby playing powers meant that victory was ours.
So we lay down all our flowers for the Kick.
We miss you, Dick.
Friends, I'm sure that seeing such a good turn out today would've made Dick a very proud Dick, a very happy Dick, a Dick tickled pink if he was alive today.
Which, of course, he isn't because this is his funeral.
Oggy, oggy, oggy.
Oy, oy, oy.
(I've always found Neil Kinnock very attractive.
) (You need sex, you do.
) Thank you, it Thank you, Neil.
And now, last but not least Alan Williams, youth rugby coach and dedicated fan of Dick would like to say a few words in in memory of the legend himself.
Al.
Go for it, boy! Like many men before him, Dick Jenkins was a revolution.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but what exactly did Dick Jenkins have in common with Colonel Gaddafi? I know I'm a fool.
I let you all down.
Well, I for one thought it was stunning.
Really? Aye.
The woman from the Western Mail said I should be ashamed of myself, said I'd brought Dick's reputation into disrepute.
She's full of it.
You compared him to Enoch Powell.
He invented the NHS.
This is amazing.
Where in God's name did you find it? Nice, aren't they? Sorry? Hey, manners.
What have I said about talking with your mouth full? Can't understand a word you're saying.
Are we dancing or what? Come on then.
And by the way, that's illegal.
So sue me.
Jas.
My God.
I have died and gone to heaven.
No.
Dick the Kick has.
I've seen those hunky bearers.
Definitely off to more funerals if this is what they're like.
There's more people arriving every minute, it's fantastic.
I know.
What a send off.
I'm glad we could do Dick's memory justice.
You've done that alright.
People will be talking about this for years.
Right, time for seconds.
Help yourself.
Just let me have the address for the bill, Dia, before I get too many of these down me.
Bill? Well, invoice she means for the funeral, like.
His kids, is it? I haven't met them yet.
Dick didn't have no kids.
Whoever's in charge of his estate then.
All Dick's estate was in plastic bags out the back.
That's where he kept his cash.
Paul, you did know Dick didn't have no money? He was potless.
Why do you think I sent the lads down for him? He weren't cold and the council was clearing his flat.
But he was legend.
He must've had something.
Reputation.
That's what he had.
He kicked that kick in '53 and quit the game a year later.
Never had to work for nothing after that.
Wherever he went, the people of Wales showered him with food, beer, whatever he wanted.
We owed him a debt of gratitude, see? And we paid in full.
What about my bill? Who's gonna pay in full for that? I just assumed That she would God.
Up here.
Cheers.
Thanks.
Come on we're going home.
Old people are dancing now and I'm scared.
Can I bring Little Al? Only if he doesn't look at me or ask me what umbilical means.
Em? Have you seen Bobby anywhere? Jiving with Daddy.
Bobby! Hey, Stel, me and Marj are gonna go pro, what do you think? I think we got a problem.
I was already overdrawn before I started this bloody job.
Come on now, love, we'll sort it.
How? We ain't got no money to sort it.
My God, you've lost the plop.
Stel, what have I done? Babes.
It's not your fault.
Why the hell didn't Dia say something? Dia Davies or Dia Cosh? He thought I knew, didn't he? God! I forked out for the band and the buffet.
And the extras.
They're already on time and a half as it is.
What extras? Where do you think them foxy bearers came from? I'm gonna kill him! No, listen, it wasn't him.
It was my idea.
What, same as the jerseys? And the carriage? And Neil bloody Kinnock? It's Lord Kinnock actually.
God.
I'm such a complete tit.
Didn't Dick have nothing at all? Not a sausage.
What about his ball? The one he kicked the kick thing? People would pay an arm and a leg for that.
We buried him with it.
Well, we could dig it up.
Them grave diggers are lazy buggers.
I stabbed it! Before we put it in the coffin.
It was the only way to get it in.
No-one has to know you did that.
A ball's a ball, isn't it? Now piss off.
Anyway Come on! Five pound a strip.
It's not gonna break the bank.
What's the prize? Out of this world.
Not Tenerife, is it? Even better.
The ball.
That Dick the Kick kicked.
Shut up.
That'd take you to all the Canary Islands.
We can't raffle off something so precious.
It should be in a museum.
It could be in Alan's museum.
Put me down for 20 quid's worth.
Come on.
Where exactly is it going, this blue plaque? On Dick's house, place he was born.
They'd have a job, pulled it down 30 years gone.
There's a playground there now.
That's why the plaque's going on the Climbing frame.
Yeah.
In the exact same spot as his front door.
Fascinating.
Anyone else? Come on! Dig deep! Roll up, roll up.
This is your one and only chance to do a Dick.
Fiver a kick.
If you score a kick like Dick did, you'll win the lot.
Colin Jackson, you've got to be up for it.
I don't know.
Dick was called Dick the Kick for a reason.
That kick was impossible.
Aye, you'd have to be thick even to attempt it.
Right, me first.
Ta.
Whoo-hoo! Go for it, babes.
There you go, that's it.
A fiver, thank you.
Cheers, lad.
Thank you.
Come on, get your fivers out! Right, what about this? "Dear Rob Morgan, my name is Ben.
You don't know me but you might know Luke, the son you have never seen.
" Isn't your mam gonna go mental when she finds out you wrote to him? She's not gonna know.
"Please will you tell me more about your side of the family cos Luke's bit on the family tree is empty.
Luke is doing well and we're looking forward to him coming out of prison.
All the best, Ben.
" Here we are.
All sorted.
When am I gonna get my outfit? Who cares? No-one's gonna be looking at you, babe.
Not here.
Oy, Ben, door! It's not all of it but you won't be overdrawn more than you already was.
Stel.
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, it weren't all me.
And you are bloody brilliant too.
And you're fit.
Did I tell you you was fit? You might've mentioned it.
Cheers, Bobs.
I'm not thinking about you no more.
I'm thinking about my date.
What date? Stuart.
One of the extras.
He's taking me out.
You lot! Over here.
We're on the telly.
Earlier today, legendary Welsh rugby star Dick the Kick Jenkins was given a hero's send off as the crowds took to the streets.
Look, there's Dia and Daddy.
Dick, who scored his legendary kick in 1953, rode to his final resting place in a horse-drawn carriage and had fellow Welshman, Lord Neil Kinnock pay tribute to him in the chapel.
Karl, it's you.
My God, I'm coming up.
I was standing right by there.
How long you been living here? Can't say I've noticed you till recently.
And I thought everyone here knew everyone.
I got some work about a year ago.
Big painting contract at Blackhill.
"Bloody English, coming here taking our jobs.
" I like the place, I suppose.
You never went home? Never went home.
See, I'm not being funny, I've lived her all my life, wouldn't live nowhere else but I can't imagine choosing to live here.
It's alright, got a good Chinese.
True.
Bit different to Liverpool, isn't it? I'm not from Liverpool.
I thought they called you Scouser Sean? They do.
I don't know why cos I'm from Barnsley.
Well, this is me.
Thanks again for today, Sean from Barnsley, you're a star.
Don't I get a coffee? Sorry? That's what you normally get when you walk someone home, isn't it? Hang on, you was walking me home? I thought you were walking me home? What? How old are you? 32.
You're ten years younger than me.
You can't walk me home.
Why not? I don't know! Because look, presh, cos you can have a coffee but not a coffee.
Alright? Just a coffee.
Well, when you put it like that.
Mam, quick! My God.
What's happened? Emma, tell me! We've got a surprise for you.
What? Alright, Mam.
It's OK, he hasn't escaped.
They let him out early.
My God.
My baby boy.
Come here.
Alright? Yeah.
That's Sean.
He's got a Harley.
Look, I'll leave you to it.
Nice to meet you, Luke.
Yeah.
Hasta la vista, man.
Good surprise then or what? No! It's not a good surprise actually.
It's a fan-bloody-tastic one! Oy! All you gotta do is drop off, get the cash and keep 20 for yourself.
Easy.
Till I get caught.
Maybe I don't wanna marry someone who just stays at home all day.
Got a little surprise for you.
VIP tickets.
My friend's already got us some.
What friend? You don't wanna do that, mate.
What do I wanna do then, mate? Tell me!