Stella (2012) s03e03 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 3
Give me your buses, I'll give you my knowledge.
You're a difficult woman to turn down, Aunty Brenda.
He's very keen to put things right, Zoe.
You're wasting your time.
I've got you a visitor's pass.
We have been nominated for salon of the year.
Awards will take place next week.
Oh, get over yourself, man.
It's like living in some drug-induced production of Under Milk Wood.
A subcutaneous injection is administered where on the anatomy? I know this one, I do.
Yeah, well, you're not meant to, it's my test! Just below the epidermis.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
When'd you turn into House MD? That's Nadine and Blubber Busters, that is.
According to her, body knowledge is power.
If you don't know what's what, you dunno which bit's getting fat.
Glad you're joining though, Stel.
You might actually like it.
No, I won't.
Not with Nadine-bloody-Bevan barking orders at me.
Ah, she's only there to help.
And you did say you were worried about getting fat.
Yeah, cos of the HRT, not because of biscuits and burgers.
You do realise how mental it is, Alan? Me hormones messed with.
I'm turning into a dirty old woman, lusting after every fella I see.
Well, not you, obviously.
Right.
Cheers for the lift, Al.
Really kind of you.
No probs.
Let's just call it two pound.
Mate's rates, is it? Hey, What's my brief doing here? Jan! Jan! Jan! Jan, her name is.
You don't say.
Ah, she's good as gold.
Jan! Moving in, are you? Sorry do I know you? Alan Williams I'm your client.
Oh of course.
Er no.
Katie's just spending a few days in her father's new place.
They like to have their stuff, don't they? Hey, you never told me he moved in next door.
He's really annoying.
Guess what his name is? Michael Jackson.
Yeah.
Michael Jackson! Very angry man.
Bit of a hottie, mind you, I'll give him that.
Toodle pip.
See you.
Hiya.
I'm Stella.
Oh, hi.
Wow.
Starting a library, are you? GCSEs in a few weeks, lucky me.
Oh, she'll be fine.
She always is.
Here's my pride and joy.
This is Ben.
Ben's been grounded for two years.
Mam! Grounded for what? Nothing - Smoking.
Yuck.
Smoking's for morons.
That's grunt, that is, for 'whatever'.
I speak it fluently these days.
Right, is that everything? Anyway, nice meeting you.
Right, well, I'll be off.
Bye, darling.
Bye.
That's right, off you go.
In your lovely big car.
She used to be mine.
You made me look a right div in front of that girl.
I'm going to my room.
Do not disturb me.
With pleasure.
And don't you disturb me neither, because I've got revision.
Hiya, presh.
Ha, ha.
Is it me, or did Ben actually used to be a nice little boy? Nah.
He's never been nice.
Hm.
Any luck down the job centre? No.
Right.
Well, if you need me, I'll be revising.
If you need me, I'll be smoking.
Hi.
I'd like to book a prison visit, please.
For tomorrow? Yeah, to see Lenny Mack.
Yes! Purple and black.
Please tell me you're joking.
You're useless when it comes to decorating.
I'll get a decorator Loser.
Oi! How did you get there? Got my own little VIP exit, ain't I? Through next door's attic.
Been using it for a few weeks.
Bit tricky now the posh bloke's moved in, like.
But old Benny-boy, slick! What are you talking weird for? Ugh Yo, Ben! You coming? Nah.
Suit yourself.
Boys.
S'up, bro? Well can you use the hook to change gear? Well, then he'll be fine then.
Tell him midday sharp.
I'm expecting a lot of supply and demand.
Ta-ra.
Oh.
Auntie Bren.
This thing hasn't stopped.
I've got the what-d'ya-call-it tommorrow, recruitment doo-dah.
And you know I'm looking for work? I know, kid.
What has your life become, uh? No job, living in sin.
Even your own father has abandoned you twice - Anyway I was thinking I'm a good driver, over 25, what do you reckon to me working for Brenda's Buses? I reckon it could work.
You're family after all, and in my book family means everything.
Thanks.
Turn up tomorrow, let's give it a whirl.
You deserve it if anyone does.
Ah one thing.
The insurance might be an issue cos of my er background.
Don't you worry about the insurance, good boy! Me and Mandy at Berry Claims claims are like that! Nice one! Oh, yeah.
you want to slide down my pole, don't you? You're so hot.
You're on fire.
Mum? What? I'm revising.
OK, I'll tell you later.
It's a bit bare.
Well don't worry, I will sort it.
I'll get this curtain pole up in no time.
I did actually manage to keep the drill in the divorce, so Oh, for God's sake.
It's on hammer mode.
I'll get that.
You make us some coffee.
All right! All Right, I'm coming! Look, I know you've got anger issues, my friend told me.
But I just want a bit of - What friend? One minute it's your music, next it's your bloody drill! I could report you to the council for noise pollution! Yeah? Well, go on then.
Because if you report me, I'll report you.
Who to? Environmental health.
By my calculation, there are at least four adults, three children and a dog inhabiting your home.
It's like living next door to a bloody refugee camp! Hey, hey, hey! Calm down.
You told me that you could sink my father a week Tuesday gone, Bobby Giffins.
And we still haven't sunk him yet.
Disgusting.
Actually, boys, I think you'll find I said that date might have to be flexible.
You're nine days over! Any more flexible and she'll be doing backflips! Yes, thank you, George! Quite why you're here, I don't know.
We buried your Aunt Beryl fair and square last week, as I recall.
Crem'ed her.
Aye.
And we're still waiting for the ashes.
Now, where is she? Is that the office telephone? Don't worry, I'll get it.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Now, where is she? Here you go.
Clean bum and everything.
Excellent.
He'll be wanting his bunny rabbit.
Oh, special delivery.
God, hope's it's not another final demand for the electric.
I swear those quarters come round every three months.
No, it's for you, Em.
Mm.
You going Blubber Busters tonight? Yeah.
Why else do you think I'm having no breakfast? I'm on a diet today.
What for? Why? Well, cos it's the hairdressing awards and that.
Jen's says we're up for salon of the year.
And I want to look nice and thin in my dress.
Thin is not nice, Emma.
Svelte is nice.
Mm.
That's what I'm aiming for, svelte.
And lithe.
Everything all right, Em? It's my decree absolute.
Me and Sunil Well, it's in now.
Proper full-on divorce.
I'm going to work.
Listen, don't - Emma, please - It's fine.
Wish I never got married in the first place.
Daddy? Excuse these.
Nobody knows how hard it is to maintain a demi-wave like mine.
You'd better come in.
Come on, you piece of shit.
Oh, bollocks.
Oh, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks! Bollocks! How comes you've got so many dead bodies covered in muslims? It's mus-lin.
And that's Lanky Susan, for your information.
Pontyberry's foremost netball player.
As was.
We're awaiting an extra-long casket.
What about him, then? Look, all I came to say was maybe I could lighten your load a little.
You? Lighten my load?! Over my dead bodies.
Don't say I never tried.
Oh, God! Exquisite, isn't she? I wouldn't go as far as to say - It's genuine silver finish on this thing.
It's not going to be genuine silver, is it? That'd make the cost prohibitive.
When I say genuine silver, Mr Jackson, I mean genuine silver colour.
Don't want you suing me for mis-selling a vehicle now, do I? Still, I can see you're taken by her.
Go on, touch her.
Feel her curves.
Um I dunno.
To be honest, I really do have a preference for German engineering.
Why didn't you say so, son? There's a German engine in this.
And the exhaust pipe and tail lights came off a VW, come to think of it.
So, she's practically pure Aryan.
Hey, Mikey.
That's a nice touch.
Very eco-warrior.
Taxi for Baxton? I'd like to see your badge, please.
For all I know, you might be one of them illegal minicab rapists.
Or a conman.
But you booked me.
Right, well, I'll take your word for it then.
And don't take the bypass, cos it's longer, not shorter.
I've timed it.
There's a £1.
50 difference on the fare.
Can't beat a bit of Spandau, can you, eh? Reminds me of when I had more years in front of me than behind.
And hair.
Doing anything nice today? Not really, no.
I'm off at Brenda's Buses, I am.
Recruitment day.
I like the taxis, don't get me wrong, but I like a bit of variation - For goodness sake, will you stop blathering? I'm paying you to drive, not drivel.
But I got nowhere to put them! Oh, please, boys, give me a chance! No.
No returns.
Refunds.
Cashback.
Vouchers.
Or air miles.
It's not - They're bin 'ems, I know.
But I can't bury them if I haven't got the man-power to do it! Hold on! People can hear you all over the hospital.
Stella? Morris.
All right, boys? Thank God you're here.
They won't take this lot back.
I'm inundated.
Overwhelmed.
It's like land of the dead back at Simpsons.
Daddy nearly broke a hip falling over lanky Susan from Iceland! All right.
Calm down a minute.
Barry, Reese, ain't there nothing you can do? OK.
Er no.
You gotta keep up.
We had a .
.
deal.
But I can't! II got no room! God, I can't cope! Bobs, man! I'm sorry, he's just very - Hungry? Childish.
Tall? There you go.
Thanks.
Keep the change.
Really? You put your foot down.
I admire that in a cabbie.
Now watch my planters when you turn around.
Oh, hey Hang on, you left your It's my resignation, it is.
Sorry it's on lavender paper.
I've run out of lined.
No, it's no use! I've buggered this up by taking too much on.
So, it's time I fell on my sword for Simpsons.
'Tis a far, far better thing I d-do today.
Than I have ever d-done before.
Jackie Collins, Hollywood Wives.
Too late! I'm gone.
And let that be an end to it.
All told.
Sold a Vauxhall Vectra this morning.
To the Michael Jackson.
Not the dead singer.
A solicitor, he is.
So? So, he's a proper legit professional, he is.
Like Judge John Deed, or Bergerac.
Who's Begerac? Right, listen up, everybody! Tom Evans.
Yeah.
Marley Evans.
Yeah.
Peter Evans.
Yeah.
Luke Morgan.
Here.
Yanto Beet.
Yanto Beet? Oi! Are you here then, or what? I came with you, Auntie Brenda! That don't buy you privileges.
Or extra biscuits.
You've had your allotted one.
I thought I made that clear.
One biscuit per person.
Aye.
I haven't had none.
I'm on a diet.
Can I have yours? No! I'm not late, am I? Yes.
All right, everybody shut up, and get in the cabin.
Fun lunch? Mm.
Tell me about it.
All right, Jack? Hi.
Sorry about this morning.
Emma going off like that.
No, that's fine, Stella.
Divorce is a very tender subject.
Mm.
Much like fox-hunting.
And botox.
Anyway.
Have you got any bananas? Only I couldn't see any out there.
There's plenty.
They must be hiding on you, the bastards.
Come on.
And so, today is all about helping us to help you - Basically, there's gonna be a load of tests, fail 'em and you're out.
Now, my daughter Vivian by here is gonna be the guinea pig passenger.
God help us.
And as senior partner, the final decision will of course lay with me.
Or me.
Right, let's get started.
Or me.
Argh.
I could've sworn we had some left! It's all right.
I'll leave it.
Between you and me, I think Tanisha eats them all.
Don't tell Uncle Jag I said so.
Oh, ha-ha! Oh, I knew it! They're ex-display, but they'll do the job.
Thanks.
Are those your last ones? 'Fraid so.
The lady has beaten you to it.
Take them.
they're ex-display.
No, no, it's fine.
I'll have an apple.
No, I'm not having you accusing me of being greedy.
I've changed my mind, I don't want a banana - Oh, for god's sake.
Now we're all happy.
Aren't we? Visiting will end in five minutes.
You're looking so beautiful, Zo.
What do you want, Len? A second chance? Not with you.
With Jack.
I know what I've done was stupid Iwas a total idiot.
Don't give me the "I've changed" bullshit.
No, course not.
But Listen.
I I just want to see my son before he gets too old and he forgets who I am.
But I want him to forget you, Len.
When were you ever a proper dad? You don't deserve him.
I know.
Luke's his proper dad now, I suppose.
Yeah.
I'm just the donkey who pratted about with him.
Made the little fella laugh though, didn't I? Sometimes.
I've done this for him.
It's a bed-time story.
And you're going along, you're going along, you're going along, you're going along and sharp right bend on the road! Too fast! Where's the 'orn on here? Never mind the 'orn! Slow down, man! All right.
Alan Williams, let's have you.
Just in case.
Thanks.
And you're going along, nice easy speed.
Picking up momentum, you're going along, you're going along and bang! Emergency stop.
Hang on.
I wasn't expecting no emergency stop.
That's why it's called an emergency stop.
And look what would've happened to your passenger! Tossed on the ground like a useless ragdoll.
All right.
Don't milk it, Vivian.
Get up, man.
He never even blew the horn.
He's steering the bus with a mop! Why are we calling it a bus? It's just a load of chairs.
This is a joke.
Right.
Quick-fire round.
Possible scenarios, raise your hand if you know the answer.
Dai.
OK.
You're being held hostage by a gun-toting pensioner.
How would you react? Punch her! Shove her out the door.
No.
Bring your own gun.
No! Do whatever she tells you in order to get everyone safely off the bus? Correct answer.
But keep them hands on the wheel, son.
Give me my sweets! You're a horrible smelly bum and I hate you! I'm gonna punch your lights out! We're naughty children.
Come on, control us, control us! Come on, give them back, they're mine! Right.
Her airways are restricted, now do something.
For God's sake, give me mouth-to-mouth, man! Just go for it! What's it called?! Whoa, you can't do that, bud! She's family, man.
It's not right.
I'll take this one for the team.
Aw, I'm glad you could meet me, presh.
I've been thinking about it all morning.
Going round and round in my head.
Thing is, it'll make me feel like a bit of a failure, Mam.
We were only married five minutes, it's shaming.
See, I reckon this divorce could be the making of you.
What are you on about? Well, look at me.
When Rob went, it was awful - You were a right mess.
I know.
But thinking now it was the best thing that could've happened to me.
What, getting your heart broken? Yeah, he did me a favour, in fact.
Cos once he'd gone, how could my life ever go back to how it used to be? Something had to bloody change.
And, so, she became a nurse.
Exactly.
Mm-hm.
Now rice cake .
.
cottage cheese, nice.
Gross.
Or an ex-display banana.
Hard-won, that was.
You know, it's sad about you and Sunny that it never worked out, he was a lovely boy.
But let's face it, you're doing a job you love.
And it probably wouldn't have happened if you two were still together.
Mm.
It's a good thing we don't know how life's going to turn out, isn't it? You're telling me? Wouldn't bother getting up in the morning if we did.
Mm.
OK, people.
Well Mike Dermot, I gotta be the bearer of bad news.
We gotta be the bearer of bad news.
Now, as you know, there's only two jobs going.
And so without further ado I can announce that Alan and Yanto have got the jobs.
Yes! Ah, great stuff.
But I done better than them in all the tests.
I know, love.
But like you said, your criminal record's gonna cripple my premiums.
I checked it with Mandy, it's a total no-goer.
But I'm your nephew.
Oh, come on now, Luke.
Since when have us Welshies ever gone in for nepotism? Shall we hear what Daddy's got to say? All right, Jack? Listen what it is, I'm gonna tell you a story, like, for your bedtime.
Once upon a time, there was this caterpillar.
Hello? Well? Nah.
Even my own Auntie won't give me a job.
Well, she'll have me to contend with tonight, I can tell you.
Mam, please don't say nothing.
It's humiliating enough as it is.
I'm going to my room.
Do not disturb me.
I'll get the tea on.
I was thinking, now that I've got a car again Using the term loosely That maybe we could go somewhere tomorrow night.
Bowling or cinema? Cinema'd be good.
I went bowling with Mum and Andy the other day.
So Did you? Yeah.
Do you often um you know do things, family things with Andy, then? Yeah.
Good.
That's good.
Not really.
You do know he's an absolute wanker, don't you? I'm sorry, Stel, but Dai's decision was final, you know me.
I'd have taken him on in a flash but Dai's the senior boss and I got to bow to his what-d'ya-call.
You felt Luke was a liability, didn't you, Dai? Yeah, you said.
Don't be putting the blame on me.
OK, everyone! Eyes forward.
Now before we start this week's exercises can I just say a big welcome to our newest and youngest member give it up for little Alan.
OK.
Legs in the air, everyone! And don't forget, everyone.
When we get tempted, what do we do? Five big breaths Is this Blubber Busters with Lina Lloyd? No, Nadine Bevan.
I've took over the concession while Lina's having her band fitted.
And we've just finished, by the way.
But it says seven sharp on this leaflet.
That's an old one.
Here's the new one with all the right times.
Oh, can I have one of them.
Only I lost mine.
No.
What do you think I am, made of leaflets or something? Great.
That's an hour of my life I won't get back! Oh, for god's sake! Ah.
Wait, they're mine! All right, I'm only helping you pick them up, like.
Oh, it's you.
Ta for the scarf, by the way.
I thought you'd stolen it.
Are you working? Cos I need a lift home now.
Er finished for the day, but I'll still take you if you want.
I'm taking you back aren't I, Stel? Mates rates.
£1.
50 a hour.
£2.
No, thank you.
I'm not looking for charity, I'm looking for a taxi.
Hey, Bobs.
I just texted you.
What's this about you resigning? You haven't, has he? It takes a big man to admit defeat.
I should have done it ages ago.
Well, do you want to talk about it? Sorry, I can't stop! Going somewhere? Oh, shit.
Ben? Are you awake yet? Oi, your mum's calling you.
How'd you get here? It's OK for you to break into ours last night but not the other way round? Er no.
It's fine.
Honest.
Got any smokes? I thought smoking was for morons.
I lied.
I only got papers and 'baccy.
But they're solid to roll.
For you, maybe.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realise.
I just wanted to - Help yourself.
Katie tells me you went bowling with Andy? Yes.
Andy got seven strikes.
Look, you're moving too fast for her, Jan, it's not fair.
How often does he sleep over? It's none of your business.
Katie is my business.
Well for your information, Katie happens to like Andy.
Well, she told me he's a wanker.
Andy is not a wanker.
Someone mention my name? Yes, they did.
Wanker.
For God's sake, Mike.
There is no need for that.
You behave like a bloody child.
That's my mug! It's the company's mug.
It's my bloody mug! It's not! And whose company is it? Stop it, You're behaving like children! It's my bloody mug Michael! Oh, my God.
Are you OK? Course I'm not bloody OK! Well, it's not my fault! Shut up and go and get the first aid kit.
Swearing, fighting, puking, punching, stabbing, crying, hanging and jabbing Welcome to A&E.
Otherwise known as the front line.
I'm just glad I'm trained in Krav Maga.
That's an Israeli martial art way tougher than taekwondo.
Right, Tom, go get our first victim.
Hey now, focus.
I'm only back to clean up my desk.
I left a lot of glitter pens.
And a ball of 'lastics, if memory serves me right.
One milky tea, coming right up.
Oh, really? And how exactly does it look, Daddy Simpson? Listen, Bobby Jean.
Things are awful slow over at Thomas, Thomas, Evans & Thomas .
.
and Thomas.
So, here I am.
Your new assistant.
If you'll have me.
Wha Oh, great.
What? You are joking me - OK, people.
Mr Michael Jackson.
Deep cut to the nose caused by a china mug.
Stella, what do you see? Er no, I can't, sorry.
Excuse me? I gotta declare an interest.
He is my next-door neighbour and we seriously don't get on, so She's right about - Whoa.
Stop right there.
Listen up.
There's gonna be times in your career when you've gotta treat people you don't like.
People you hate even, loathe, despise, abhor.
Detest? Detest.
You just grit your teeth, grab your gearstick and get on with what needs to be done.
Cos this is a hospital, not a social club.
And as sure as shandy ain't no room for squabbles when someone's life's in the balance.
Now clean him out.
What have you got on? It's not the bloody Nuts awards.
Colette said glamour, So, I glammed up.
Why are you all waiting out here? You should be inside, come on.
Where's Colette to? She's not well.
Trouble in paradise, eh? Shut up.
Ooh, how about the new Quentin Tarantino? Hmm.
Good call.
Hm.
The state of your nose, you look like you're in a Quentin Tarantino.
Ha-ha.
He's in his room, presh.
Unless he's been suffocated by car fumes! Right.
I just seen them go out.
Him and her next door.
So? So now you can show me the VIP exit.
And then I might come tagging.
Maybe, if I feel like it.
OK.
He's here to collect the award on Melanie's behalf.
There's something very sexy about a man who did your hair.
Shush, man! I'm only saying! If a man can do a French pleat who knows what else he can do with his fingers? Eh, Marcus? All right, I think you've had enough now.
Shame Colette couldn't make it tonight, innit? What was it, migraine, was it? Don't be so bloody naughty! Something like that.
She's gonna be so proud of you, mind, winning that.
Is she? Isn't she? OK.
The next one's a biggie.
It's salon of the year.
And the award goes to Pontyberry's finest.
Jensens.
Jensens is run by husband and wife team Marcus and Colette Jensen, who set up the salon in 2003 and haven't looked back since.
You're so talented.
Please welcome to the stage, hairdresser of the year himself, Marcus Jensen.
Up for his second award of the night.
Thank you.
Wow.
Two in one night, feels a bit greedy.
But I'd especially like to thank all the staff - - Go Marcus, go! - Shush, man! And unfortunately Colette can't be here tonight but I'm sure that she would be well, she'd be thrilled.
And I'd just like to say Jensens fucking rock! Ah, my boobs! I want some more champagne, don't I? Easy now.
I've got an ASDA bag in the back if you want to Thanks, Al.
- Yep, there we are.
- Yes.
But I wanna meet Nicky Clarke.
I got his curling tongs! And his straighteners! She'll have to come back to mine.
Her mam'll kill her if she goes home like this.
I'm not surprised.
This should cover it.
Thanks.
I love you, Marcus.
Oh, God.
I do, man.
He's proper lush, he is.
Ain't he, Al? Oh, get off.
Go home, Amy, you're drunk.
Watch your head.
Mind your dress.
Cheers, mate.
Aye.
Sorry about all this.
She's lucky to have you as a friend.
Well, you're lucky and all.
Mr South Wales Valley's Hairdresser Of The Year.
It'll be all right, you know.
Whatever it is.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Safe journey.
Where are we going? We're going home.
I told you not to get this drunk.
You know what, I love this song.
Oh, shush now.
Al's driving.
Hi, Colette, it's me.
Just thought you'd like to know we won.
And I'm on my way home now.
Hope you're not still angry with me.
See you.
Cool.
What do we do now? Nothing.
This is it.
Really? What do you expect? Do you think this is hers? Well, it's not her dad's, is it? Now put it down, man! Well, at least we managed to get back here.
Heap of junk.
Have to get a bloody mechanic round tomorrow.
Give me the sausages! Give me the sausages! But I ate them.
I thought they were for the journey.
Come on.
What's she doing up there? Tess? Tessa? How did you get in here? Oi! What Oi! All right, I hear you.
I just found your delinquent of a child and his mate in my house! I'm not a child! He's not delinquent! Really? Then explain why he was breaking and entering my property! Ben? - Well? - What's going on? Been a break-in at Mr Jackson's.
Sign of the times, Mike.
Broken society equals break-in Britain.
Mam? Everything all right? No, actually.
I would have been well within my rights to have attacked him in self-defence.
Showed you, burglaring scum! But he's talking about your Ben, Bren.
Really? Oh, well, there's another one headed for the slammer then, Madge.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- Easy.
Sorry, Mam.
She's hammered, she is.
Can she stay? Her mam'll kill her if she goes home like this.
Yeah, course she can.
Every other waif and stray's in there.
What? It isn't that bad, is it? Can we not do this on the street? Right.
Ben inside.
Little Alan, go with your dad.
As for you, who I do have in my house is none of your business.
But I'll tell you one thing for nothing Everyone who goes through that door is a damn sight nicer than you, you stuck up, annoying, English bastard! Oh! And she's a racist to boot! Nice.
Oh, very nice.
I want my mam! Very nice, very nice.
Because it's my business, butty-boy! Brenda's Buses! Good god! And I couldn't cross my legs.
Without further to-do, I give you the all new Simpsons! Roll the tape! You know what we're like here, someone might steal it! My day couldn't get much worse.
Starting with the watches.
I got D+G, Gucci, Tag What the f 'Scuse me.
You're a difficult woman to turn down, Aunty Brenda.
He's very keen to put things right, Zoe.
You're wasting your time.
I've got you a visitor's pass.
We have been nominated for salon of the year.
Awards will take place next week.
Oh, get over yourself, man.
It's like living in some drug-induced production of Under Milk Wood.
A subcutaneous injection is administered where on the anatomy? I know this one, I do.
Yeah, well, you're not meant to, it's my test! Just below the epidermis.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
When'd you turn into House MD? That's Nadine and Blubber Busters, that is.
According to her, body knowledge is power.
If you don't know what's what, you dunno which bit's getting fat.
Glad you're joining though, Stel.
You might actually like it.
No, I won't.
Not with Nadine-bloody-Bevan barking orders at me.
Ah, she's only there to help.
And you did say you were worried about getting fat.
Yeah, cos of the HRT, not because of biscuits and burgers.
You do realise how mental it is, Alan? Me hormones messed with.
I'm turning into a dirty old woman, lusting after every fella I see.
Well, not you, obviously.
Right.
Cheers for the lift, Al.
Really kind of you.
No probs.
Let's just call it two pound.
Mate's rates, is it? Hey, What's my brief doing here? Jan! Jan! Jan! Jan, her name is.
You don't say.
Ah, she's good as gold.
Jan! Moving in, are you? Sorry do I know you? Alan Williams I'm your client.
Oh of course.
Er no.
Katie's just spending a few days in her father's new place.
They like to have their stuff, don't they? Hey, you never told me he moved in next door.
He's really annoying.
Guess what his name is? Michael Jackson.
Yeah.
Michael Jackson! Very angry man.
Bit of a hottie, mind you, I'll give him that.
Toodle pip.
See you.
Hiya.
I'm Stella.
Oh, hi.
Wow.
Starting a library, are you? GCSEs in a few weeks, lucky me.
Oh, she'll be fine.
She always is.
Here's my pride and joy.
This is Ben.
Ben's been grounded for two years.
Mam! Grounded for what? Nothing - Smoking.
Yuck.
Smoking's for morons.
That's grunt, that is, for 'whatever'.
I speak it fluently these days.
Right, is that everything? Anyway, nice meeting you.
Right, well, I'll be off.
Bye, darling.
Bye.
That's right, off you go.
In your lovely big car.
She used to be mine.
You made me look a right div in front of that girl.
I'm going to my room.
Do not disturb me.
With pleasure.
And don't you disturb me neither, because I've got revision.
Hiya, presh.
Ha, ha.
Is it me, or did Ben actually used to be a nice little boy? Nah.
He's never been nice.
Hm.
Any luck down the job centre? No.
Right.
Well, if you need me, I'll be revising.
If you need me, I'll be smoking.
Hi.
I'd like to book a prison visit, please.
For tomorrow? Yeah, to see Lenny Mack.
Yes! Purple and black.
Please tell me you're joking.
You're useless when it comes to decorating.
I'll get a decorator Loser.
Oi! How did you get there? Got my own little VIP exit, ain't I? Through next door's attic.
Been using it for a few weeks.
Bit tricky now the posh bloke's moved in, like.
But old Benny-boy, slick! What are you talking weird for? Ugh Yo, Ben! You coming? Nah.
Suit yourself.
Boys.
S'up, bro? Well can you use the hook to change gear? Well, then he'll be fine then.
Tell him midday sharp.
I'm expecting a lot of supply and demand.
Ta-ra.
Oh.
Auntie Bren.
This thing hasn't stopped.
I've got the what-d'ya-call-it tommorrow, recruitment doo-dah.
And you know I'm looking for work? I know, kid.
What has your life become, uh? No job, living in sin.
Even your own father has abandoned you twice - Anyway I was thinking I'm a good driver, over 25, what do you reckon to me working for Brenda's Buses? I reckon it could work.
You're family after all, and in my book family means everything.
Thanks.
Turn up tomorrow, let's give it a whirl.
You deserve it if anyone does.
Ah one thing.
The insurance might be an issue cos of my er background.
Don't you worry about the insurance, good boy! Me and Mandy at Berry Claims claims are like that! Nice one! Oh, yeah.
you want to slide down my pole, don't you? You're so hot.
You're on fire.
Mum? What? I'm revising.
OK, I'll tell you later.
It's a bit bare.
Well don't worry, I will sort it.
I'll get this curtain pole up in no time.
I did actually manage to keep the drill in the divorce, so Oh, for God's sake.
It's on hammer mode.
I'll get that.
You make us some coffee.
All right! All Right, I'm coming! Look, I know you've got anger issues, my friend told me.
But I just want a bit of - What friend? One minute it's your music, next it's your bloody drill! I could report you to the council for noise pollution! Yeah? Well, go on then.
Because if you report me, I'll report you.
Who to? Environmental health.
By my calculation, there are at least four adults, three children and a dog inhabiting your home.
It's like living next door to a bloody refugee camp! Hey, hey, hey! Calm down.
You told me that you could sink my father a week Tuesday gone, Bobby Giffins.
And we still haven't sunk him yet.
Disgusting.
Actually, boys, I think you'll find I said that date might have to be flexible.
You're nine days over! Any more flexible and she'll be doing backflips! Yes, thank you, George! Quite why you're here, I don't know.
We buried your Aunt Beryl fair and square last week, as I recall.
Crem'ed her.
Aye.
And we're still waiting for the ashes.
Now, where is she? Is that the office telephone? Don't worry, I'll get it.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Now, where is she? Here you go.
Clean bum and everything.
Excellent.
He'll be wanting his bunny rabbit.
Oh, special delivery.
God, hope's it's not another final demand for the electric.
I swear those quarters come round every three months.
No, it's for you, Em.
Mm.
You going Blubber Busters tonight? Yeah.
Why else do you think I'm having no breakfast? I'm on a diet today.
What for? Why? Well, cos it's the hairdressing awards and that.
Jen's says we're up for salon of the year.
And I want to look nice and thin in my dress.
Thin is not nice, Emma.
Svelte is nice.
Mm.
That's what I'm aiming for, svelte.
And lithe.
Everything all right, Em? It's my decree absolute.
Me and Sunil Well, it's in now.
Proper full-on divorce.
I'm going to work.
Listen, don't - Emma, please - It's fine.
Wish I never got married in the first place.
Daddy? Excuse these.
Nobody knows how hard it is to maintain a demi-wave like mine.
You'd better come in.
Come on, you piece of shit.
Oh, bollocks.
Oh, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks! Bollocks! How comes you've got so many dead bodies covered in muslims? It's mus-lin.
And that's Lanky Susan, for your information.
Pontyberry's foremost netball player.
As was.
We're awaiting an extra-long casket.
What about him, then? Look, all I came to say was maybe I could lighten your load a little.
You? Lighten my load?! Over my dead bodies.
Don't say I never tried.
Oh, God! Exquisite, isn't she? I wouldn't go as far as to say - It's genuine silver finish on this thing.
It's not going to be genuine silver, is it? That'd make the cost prohibitive.
When I say genuine silver, Mr Jackson, I mean genuine silver colour.
Don't want you suing me for mis-selling a vehicle now, do I? Still, I can see you're taken by her.
Go on, touch her.
Feel her curves.
Um I dunno.
To be honest, I really do have a preference for German engineering.
Why didn't you say so, son? There's a German engine in this.
And the exhaust pipe and tail lights came off a VW, come to think of it.
So, she's practically pure Aryan.
Hey, Mikey.
That's a nice touch.
Very eco-warrior.
Taxi for Baxton? I'd like to see your badge, please.
For all I know, you might be one of them illegal minicab rapists.
Or a conman.
But you booked me.
Right, well, I'll take your word for it then.
And don't take the bypass, cos it's longer, not shorter.
I've timed it.
There's a £1.
50 difference on the fare.
Can't beat a bit of Spandau, can you, eh? Reminds me of when I had more years in front of me than behind.
And hair.
Doing anything nice today? Not really, no.
I'm off at Brenda's Buses, I am.
Recruitment day.
I like the taxis, don't get me wrong, but I like a bit of variation - For goodness sake, will you stop blathering? I'm paying you to drive, not drivel.
But I got nowhere to put them! Oh, please, boys, give me a chance! No.
No returns.
Refunds.
Cashback.
Vouchers.
Or air miles.
It's not - They're bin 'ems, I know.
But I can't bury them if I haven't got the man-power to do it! Hold on! People can hear you all over the hospital.
Stella? Morris.
All right, boys? Thank God you're here.
They won't take this lot back.
I'm inundated.
Overwhelmed.
It's like land of the dead back at Simpsons.
Daddy nearly broke a hip falling over lanky Susan from Iceland! All right.
Calm down a minute.
Barry, Reese, ain't there nothing you can do? OK.
Er no.
You gotta keep up.
We had a .
.
deal.
But I can't! II got no room! God, I can't cope! Bobs, man! I'm sorry, he's just very - Hungry? Childish.
Tall? There you go.
Thanks.
Keep the change.
Really? You put your foot down.
I admire that in a cabbie.
Now watch my planters when you turn around.
Oh, hey Hang on, you left your It's my resignation, it is.
Sorry it's on lavender paper.
I've run out of lined.
No, it's no use! I've buggered this up by taking too much on.
So, it's time I fell on my sword for Simpsons.
'Tis a far, far better thing I d-do today.
Than I have ever d-done before.
Jackie Collins, Hollywood Wives.
Too late! I'm gone.
And let that be an end to it.
All told.
Sold a Vauxhall Vectra this morning.
To the Michael Jackson.
Not the dead singer.
A solicitor, he is.
So? So, he's a proper legit professional, he is.
Like Judge John Deed, or Bergerac.
Who's Begerac? Right, listen up, everybody! Tom Evans.
Yeah.
Marley Evans.
Yeah.
Peter Evans.
Yeah.
Luke Morgan.
Here.
Yanto Beet.
Yanto Beet? Oi! Are you here then, or what? I came with you, Auntie Brenda! That don't buy you privileges.
Or extra biscuits.
You've had your allotted one.
I thought I made that clear.
One biscuit per person.
Aye.
I haven't had none.
I'm on a diet.
Can I have yours? No! I'm not late, am I? Yes.
All right, everybody shut up, and get in the cabin.
Fun lunch? Mm.
Tell me about it.
All right, Jack? Hi.
Sorry about this morning.
Emma going off like that.
No, that's fine, Stella.
Divorce is a very tender subject.
Mm.
Much like fox-hunting.
And botox.
Anyway.
Have you got any bananas? Only I couldn't see any out there.
There's plenty.
They must be hiding on you, the bastards.
Come on.
And so, today is all about helping us to help you - Basically, there's gonna be a load of tests, fail 'em and you're out.
Now, my daughter Vivian by here is gonna be the guinea pig passenger.
God help us.
And as senior partner, the final decision will of course lay with me.
Or me.
Right, let's get started.
Or me.
Argh.
I could've sworn we had some left! It's all right.
I'll leave it.
Between you and me, I think Tanisha eats them all.
Don't tell Uncle Jag I said so.
Oh, ha-ha! Oh, I knew it! They're ex-display, but they'll do the job.
Thanks.
Are those your last ones? 'Fraid so.
The lady has beaten you to it.
Take them.
they're ex-display.
No, no, it's fine.
I'll have an apple.
No, I'm not having you accusing me of being greedy.
I've changed my mind, I don't want a banana - Oh, for god's sake.
Now we're all happy.
Aren't we? Visiting will end in five minutes.
You're looking so beautiful, Zo.
What do you want, Len? A second chance? Not with you.
With Jack.
I know what I've done was stupid Iwas a total idiot.
Don't give me the "I've changed" bullshit.
No, course not.
But Listen.
I I just want to see my son before he gets too old and he forgets who I am.
But I want him to forget you, Len.
When were you ever a proper dad? You don't deserve him.
I know.
Luke's his proper dad now, I suppose.
Yeah.
I'm just the donkey who pratted about with him.
Made the little fella laugh though, didn't I? Sometimes.
I've done this for him.
It's a bed-time story.
And you're going along, you're going along, you're going along, you're going along and sharp right bend on the road! Too fast! Where's the 'orn on here? Never mind the 'orn! Slow down, man! All right.
Alan Williams, let's have you.
Just in case.
Thanks.
And you're going along, nice easy speed.
Picking up momentum, you're going along, you're going along and bang! Emergency stop.
Hang on.
I wasn't expecting no emergency stop.
That's why it's called an emergency stop.
And look what would've happened to your passenger! Tossed on the ground like a useless ragdoll.
All right.
Don't milk it, Vivian.
Get up, man.
He never even blew the horn.
He's steering the bus with a mop! Why are we calling it a bus? It's just a load of chairs.
This is a joke.
Right.
Quick-fire round.
Possible scenarios, raise your hand if you know the answer.
Dai.
OK.
You're being held hostage by a gun-toting pensioner.
How would you react? Punch her! Shove her out the door.
No.
Bring your own gun.
No! Do whatever she tells you in order to get everyone safely off the bus? Correct answer.
But keep them hands on the wheel, son.
Give me my sweets! You're a horrible smelly bum and I hate you! I'm gonna punch your lights out! We're naughty children.
Come on, control us, control us! Come on, give them back, they're mine! Right.
Her airways are restricted, now do something.
For God's sake, give me mouth-to-mouth, man! Just go for it! What's it called?! Whoa, you can't do that, bud! She's family, man.
It's not right.
I'll take this one for the team.
Aw, I'm glad you could meet me, presh.
I've been thinking about it all morning.
Going round and round in my head.
Thing is, it'll make me feel like a bit of a failure, Mam.
We were only married five minutes, it's shaming.
See, I reckon this divorce could be the making of you.
What are you on about? Well, look at me.
When Rob went, it was awful - You were a right mess.
I know.
But thinking now it was the best thing that could've happened to me.
What, getting your heart broken? Yeah, he did me a favour, in fact.
Cos once he'd gone, how could my life ever go back to how it used to be? Something had to bloody change.
And, so, she became a nurse.
Exactly.
Mm-hm.
Now rice cake .
.
cottage cheese, nice.
Gross.
Or an ex-display banana.
Hard-won, that was.
You know, it's sad about you and Sunny that it never worked out, he was a lovely boy.
But let's face it, you're doing a job you love.
And it probably wouldn't have happened if you two were still together.
Mm.
It's a good thing we don't know how life's going to turn out, isn't it? You're telling me? Wouldn't bother getting up in the morning if we did.
Mm.
OK, people.
Well Mike Dermot, I gotta be the bearer of bad news.
We gotta be the bearer of bad news.
Now, as you know, there's only two jobs going.
And so without further ado I can announce that Alan and Yanto have got the jobs.
Yes! Ah, great stuff.
But I done better than them in all the tests.
I know, love.
But like you said, your criminal record's gonna cripple my premiums.
I checked it with Mandy, it's a total no-goer.
But I'm your nephew.
Oh, come on now, Luke.
Since when have us Welshies ever gone in for nepotism? Shall we hear what Daddy's got to say? All right, Jack? Listen what it is, I'm gonna tell you a story, like, for your bedtime.
Once upon a time, there was this caterpillar.
Hello? Well? Nah.
Even my own Auntie won't give me a job.
Well, she'll have me to contend with tonight, I can tell you.
Mam, please don't say nothing.
It's humiliating enough as it is.
I'm going to my room.
Do not disturb me.
I'll get the tea on.
I was thinking, now that I've got a car again Using the term loosely That maybe we could go somewhere tomorrow night.
Bowling or cinema? Cinema'd be good.
I went bowling with Mum and Andy the other day.
So Did you? Yeah.
Do you often um you know do things, family things with Andy, then? Yeah.
Good.
That's good.
Not really.
You do know he's an absolute wanker, don't you? I'm sorry, Stel, but Dai's decision was final, you know me.
I'd have taken him on in a flash but Dai's the senior boss and I got to bow to his what-d'ya-call.
You felt Luke was a liability, didn't you, Dai? Yeah, you said.
Don't be putting the blame on me.
OK, everyone! Eyes forward.
Now before we start this week's exercises can I just say a big welcome to our newest and youngest member give it up for little Alan.
OK.
Legs in the air, everyone! And don't forget, everyone.
When we get tempted, what do we do? Five big breaths Is this Blubber Busters with Lina Lloyd? No, Nadine Bevan.
I've took over the concession while Lina's having her band fitted.
And we've just finished, by the way.
But it says seven sharp on this leaflet.
That's an old one.
Here's the new one with all the right times.
Oh, can I have one of them.
Only I lost mine.
No.
What do you think I am, made of leaflets or something? Great.
That's an hour of my life I won't get back! Oh, for god's sake! Ah.
Wait, they're mine! All right, I'm only helping you pick them up, like.
Oh, it's you.
Ta for the scarf, by the way.
I thought you'd stolen it.
Are you working? Cos I need a lift home now.
Er finished for the day, but I'll still take you if you want.
I'm taking you back aren't I, Stel? Mates rates.
£1.
50 a hour.
£2.
No, thank you.
I'm not looking for charity, I'm looking for a taxi.
Hey, Bobs.
I just texted you.
What's this about you resigning? You haven't, has he? It takes a big man to admit defeat.
I should have done it ages ago.
Well, do you want to talk about it? Sorry, I can't stop! Going somewhere? Oh, shit.
Ben? Are you awake yet? Oi, your mum's calling you.
How'd you get here? It's OK for you to break into ours last night but not the other way round? Er no.
It's fine.
Honest.
Got any smokes? I thought smoking was for morons.
I lied.
I only got papers and 'baccy.
But they're solid to roll.
For you, maybe.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realise.
I just wanted to - Help yourself.
Katie tells me you went bowling with Andy? Yes.
Andy got seven strikes.
Look, you're moving too fast for her, Jan, it's not fair.
How often does he sleep over? It's none of your business.
Katie is my business.
Well for your information, Katie happens to like Andy.
Well, she told me he's a wanker.
Andy is not a wanker.
Someone mention my name? Yes, they did.
Wanker.
For God's sake, Mike.
There is no need for that.
You behave like a bloody child.
That's my mug! It's the company's mug.
It's my bloody mug! It's not! And whose company is it? Stop it, You're behaving like children! It's my bloody mug Michael! Oh, my God.
Are you OK? Course I'm not bloody OK! Well, it's not my fault! Shut up and go and get the first aid kit.
Swearing, fighting, puking, punching, stabbing, crying, hanging and jabbing Welcome to A&E.
Otherwise known as the front line.
I'm just glad I'm trained in Krav Maga.
That's an Israeli martial art way tougher than taekwondo.
Right, Tom, go get our first victim.
Hey now, focus.
I'm only back to clean up my desk.
I left a lot of glitter pens.
And a ball of 'lastics, if memory serves me right.
One milky tea, coming right up.
Oh, really? And how exactly does it look, Daddy Simpson? Listen, Bobby Jean.
Things are awful slow over at Thomas, Thomas, Evans & Thomas .
.
and Thomas.
So, here I am.
Your new assistant.
If you'll have me.
Wha Oh, great.
What? You are joking me - OK, people.
Mr Michael Jackson.
Deep cut to the nose caused by a china mug.
Stella, what do you see? Er no, I can't, sorry.
Excuse me? I gotta declare an interest.
He is my next-door neighbour and we seriously don't get on, so She's right about - Whoa.
Stop right there.
Listen up.
There's gonna be times in your career when you've gotta treat people you don't like.
People you hate even, loathe, despise, abhor.
Detest? Detest.
You just grit your teeth, grab your gearstick and get on with what needs to be done.
Cos this is a hospital, not a social club.
And as sure as shandy ain't no room for squabbles when someone's life's in the balance.
Now clean him out.
What have you got on? It's not the bloody Nuts awards.
Colette said glamour, So, I glammed up.
Why are you all waiting out here? You should be inside, come on.
Where's Colette to? She's not well.
Trouble in paradise, eh? Shut up.
Ooh, how about the new Quentin Tarantino? Hmm.
Good call.
Hm.
The state of your nose, you look like you're in a Quentin Tarantino.
Ha-ha.
He's in his room, presh.
Unless he's been suffocated by car fumes! Right.
I just seen them go out.
Him and her next door.
So? So now you can show me the VIP exit.
And then I might come tagging.
Maybe, if I feel like it.
OK.
He's here to collect the award on Melanie's behalf.
There's something very sexy about a man who did your hair.
Shush, man! I'm only saying! If a man can do a French pleat who knows what else he can do with his fingers? Eh, Marcus? All right, I think you've had enough now.
Shame Colette couldn't make it tonight, innit? What was it, migraine, was it? Don't be so bloody naughty! Something like that.
She's gonna be so proud of you, mind, winning that.
Is she? Isn't she? OK.
The next one's a biggie.
It's salon of the year.
And the award goes to Pontyberry's finest.
Jensens.
Jensens is run by husband and wife team Marcus and Colette Jensen, who set up the salon in 2003 and haven't looked back since.
You're so talented.
Please welcome to the stage, hairdresser of the year himself, Marcus Jensen.
Up for his second award of the night.
Thank you.
Wow.
Two in one night, feels a bit greedy.
But I'd especially like to thank all the staff - - Go Marcus, go! - Shush, man! And unfortunately Colette can't be here tonight but I'm sure that she would be well, she'd be thrilled.
And I'd just like to say Jensens fucking rock! Ah, my boobs! I want some more champagne, don't I? Easy now.
I've got an ASDA bag in the back if you want to Thanks, Al.
- Yep, there we are.
- Yes.
But I wanna meet Nicky Clarke.
I got his curling tongs! And his straighteners! She'll have to come back to mine.
Her mam'll kill her if she goes home like this.
I'm not surprised.
This should cover it.
Thanks.
I love you, Marcus.
Oh, God.
I do, man.
He's proper lush, he is.
Ain't he, Al? Oh, get off.
Go home, Amy, you're drunk.
Watch your head.
Mind your dress.
Cheers, mate.
Aye.
Sorry about all this.
She's lucky to have you as a friend.
Well, you're lucky and all.
Mr South Wales Valley's Hairdresser Of The Year.
It'll be all right, you know.
Whatever it is.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Safe journey.
Where are we going? We're going home.
I told you not to get this drunk.
You know what, I love this song.
Oh, shush now.
Al's driving.
Hi, Colette, it's me.
Just thought you'd like to know we won.
And I'm on my way home now.
Hope you're not still angry with me.
See you.
Cool.
What do we do now? Nothing.
This is it.
Really? What do you expect? Do you think this is hers? Well, it's not her dad's, is it? Now put it down, man! Well, at least we managed to get back here.
Heap of junk.
Have to get a bloody mechanic round tomorrow.
Give me the sausages! Give me the sausages! But I ate them.
I thought they were for the journey.
Come on.
What's she doing up there? Tess? Tessa? How did you get in here? Oi! What Oi! All right, I hear you.
I just found your delinquent of a child and his mate in my house! I'm not a child! He's not delinquent! Really? Then explain why he was breaking and entering my property! Ben? - Well? - What's going on? Been a break-in at Mr Jackson's.
Sign of the times, Mike.
Broken society equals break-in Britain.
Mam? Everything all right? No, actually.
I would have been well within my rights to have attacked him in self-defence.
Showed you, burglaring scum! But he's talking about your Ben, Bren.
Really? Oh, well, there's another one headed for the slammer then, Madge.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- Easy.
Sorry, Mam.
She's hammered, she is.
Can she stay? Her mam'll kill her if she goes home like this.
Yeah, course she can.
Every other waif and stray's in there.
What? It isn't that bad, is it? Can we not do this on the street? Right.
Ben inside.
Little Alan, go with your dad.
As for you, who I do have in my house is none of your business.
But I'll tell you one thing for nothing Everyone who goes through that door is a damn sight nicer than you, you stuck up, annoying, English bastard! Oh! And she's a racist to boot! Nice.
Oh, very nice.
I want my mam! Very nice, very nice.
Because it's my business, butty-boy! Brenda's Buses! Good god! And I couldn't cross my legs.
Without further to-do, I give you the all new Simpsons! Roll the tape! You know what we're like here, someone might steal it! My day couldn't get much worse.
Starting with the watches.
I got D+G, Gucci, Tag What the f 'Scuse me.