Stella (2012) s04e03 Episode Script

Series 4, Episode 3

You've got to promise not to tell anyone.
Scout's honour.
You've done this before? What, made a sandwich? Yes, I have.
One day I notices the manager staring at me.
In that way that men do.
Bulimia?! Oh, bloomin' swat.
No, I got as far as bronchitis and I had to give Jack his breakfast.
See ya later.
Oi, get off! No, not you Celia, Michael.
Don't you get to eat at work? Chefs don't eat, we "taste".
Yes, Chef! See ya, Katie.
Are you back tonight? Yep.
Mum's going paintballing with her yoga group.
Don't ask.
Oh, good luck with your exam today.
Mwah! Fireman Sam! Oi! It's my 'ouse.
Look, I gotta go.
Telly-gate has just kicked off.
I'll see you later.
Oh, what now? C'mon.
Get up that college and see if they'll let you enrol.
There's no courses I like.
Besides, studying's a waste of time.
It is NOT a waste of time.
Look at Michael.
He's read all them books and now he's frying eggs down Big Al's cafe.
Morning, Stell.
Alright, Zo? Not really.
Jack was in all night with us.
Wouldn't settle.
Michael's got to get a banister on them stairs, mun.
I nearly went arse over tit.
Luke! I mean, I nearly slipped, again, on the way down.
I don't think it's meant to have a banister.
It's cos it's minimalist.
See you, Jack! Bye, Daddy.
Ahh! Right, good boy, you are coming up the hospital with me.
Have you gone total Tonto? They're doing a trial shift for porters today.
So? So, if you don't wanna educate yourself, you can find out what a proper hard day's work's like.
Now, move it! Pervert! Careful you don't add that butter too quickly.
I know how to make hollandaise sauce, thank you.
Right, then Dad, mun! Sorry about that.
We need three eggs bendydick, two bacon sarnies, two cheese omelettes.
Trois benedicts, deux baguette gammon, deux oeuf! Whoa, stop that.
It's confusing the customers and Nadine's having a breakdown.
So just talk English, yeah? Fine.
Michael, three benedicts.
Yes, Chef! Remind me why he's 'ere again? I could do this lot on my own.
Don't be like that, mun.
His posh nosh is pulling 'em in.
Four quid for some salad cream on two cockin' poachers?! Cock it.
I'll have a plate of chips.
This lot are gagging for a bit of bastard breakfast.
Do you want a side with that? Aye.
Tyson! Put the cockin' sauce down! Bonjour, Bobs.
What'll it be? Er, eggs Benedict.
Excellent choice.
Tyson! Little cockin' shit! To take away, please.
Ooh, excuse me, Cheryl.
Stella Morris.
Don't worry about the Morris bit, we're neighbours now, ain't we? As I've previously stated, persistently alluding to the proximity of our living quarters will not carry no favours.
Especially in this afternoon's practical exam.
But I wasn't trying Rule one, page one.
Leave your personal life at the door.
Which leads me to ask, why you've dragged your son to work today? I haven't dragged him nowhere.
Ben's here to apply for the porter's job.
Take a place against the wall.
Is she gonna shoot me? Good luck.
Oh, great.
Dole office closed, is it? No choice.
If I didn't accept this interview they'll stop my wedge.
It's three strikes and you're out with the rock 'n' roll these days, Benny boy.
When you're all grown-up you'll understand.
Right, you two, follow me.
You're together for the day.
More salt.
I've not added any yet.
You should have.
I wasn't aware there was an optimum time to do so.
Whilst whisking, it enhances the flavour.
Yeah, sure.
Ten minutes.
I've got fare from Merna's.
I'll be back in a bit.
You're taxiing again? Well, you know, keeping my hand in.
Just in case.
Will you two be able to manage without me? Excellent.
See you in a bit.
So what did old chuckle chops have to say about Ben? Well, you can imagine.
"Stella Morris, why is your son 'ere? This is an 'ospital, not a place for human beings.
So, for waking up in the morning, yellow card! For breathing at work, yellow card!" "For daring to even exist, yellow" Yellow card! Cheryl! Insubordination.
My office.
17:00 hours.
Good morning! Ha.
Morning, Aunty Brenda.
Good to have you back.
Good to be back, kid.
I'm far too young and vibrant for early retirement.
Ha! Bobby's up for it.
Up for what? Luke Morgan? Dai's having a poker night.
Poker night? Special invite only.
No riff-raff.
No chit-chat.
Just the elite of Pontyberry.
Still alright for me to join you? It'll be serious mind, son.
Well, I'd better get out there and sell some cars then, cos I want in.
Big time.
Oh, but not a noise to Zoe, like.
She don't approve of gambling.
Gor So I take it I'm not invited to this whatyercall? I'll be operating the evening on the once esteemed code of poker conduct, "Strictly No Ladies".
So, of course, you can come.
Bacon sandwich, please, love.
And three waffles.
Certainly, young man.
And don't worry, babes, this one's on me.
I know you got no cash.
It won't be for long.
Alright, Karl? Alright, Al.
I'll soon be back on my hands.
I know, love.
I believe in you.
Taylor and Burton, that's us.
What, dead? No, mun.
A team! I am the wings and you are my wind.
You can always sign on, y'know, Karl? Never! No Morris never claimed for nothing.
Don't be daft.
Your father's been on invalidity for 20 years.
All he did was catch a cold down Fontygarry Lido.
No man calls a Morris a shirker.
I'll get us some dosh, Nads.
Trust me.
Your wind is strong! Argh! Alan, out of my kitchen! I cannot work like this.
Sorry, but chefing's a young man's game.
So, are you sacking me, Little Alan? No.
My father is.
Am I? Yes.
I'm senior partner.
The hiring and firing of staff is not my remit.
Staff? Eh, come on, son, we don't even pay him.
I mean it, Dad.
It's him or me.
Michael, I hate to do this, but Let me save you the bother.
And you, pack your stuff and get out! You're sacked! What?! You can't sack me, I'm your father! This is my bloody business! You're always in the way! Don't be ridiculous! 'Scuse me.
You keep putting things down where they shouldn't be! I don't.
And eat the toast! It's meant to be for the customers.
Will you just listen?! I'm going for a drive.
Cool off, will you? Coo-eee! Off to the hospital I am.
Check up on my hip.
Every time I take a step it sounds like someone's crunching crisps.
Half day, is it? Yeah, something like that.
My Glen never had it so lucky.
A real grafter he was.
It was a hard place to survive.
Down the mines? Butlins.
Ten years a Redcoat.
Never again.
Oh, great! Hi, Stell.
Just checking how my little "Raymond Blank" is getting on? Good, yeah.
All going well.
What are you cooking up now? Oh, just a erm I gotta go.
Big order just in.
Go fry 'em, cowboy! Mwah.
" Are you alone? Yes.
Why? Very enigmatic.
What is it? Tonight.
Only serious players.
No riff-raff.
No chit-chat.
My place at nine.
You in? Well, I'll, uh I'll have to check it's OK with Stella and get back to you.
Duw, duw, man.
Who wears the trousers in this house? Or should I say the Marigolds? Marigolds Arg! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, don't panic.
Deep breaths.
Er, who's there? Dai Davies! Come in.
It's open.
What the hell are you doing up there? Er, just changing a light bulb.
Could take some time.
A tricky job.
Anyway, look, take this.
My place at nine.
No riff-raff.
No chit-chat.
Top secret.
Only me.
I 'ear there's a game of poker on tonight.
Shh! Who from? No can tell, Dai.
An ex-soldier's lips is as tight as a tambourine.
Who from? Aunty Brenda.
Cor, typical.
I decide who's coming, not her.
So, am I in? Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.
Alan, are you? Eh? Oh, I'll check and see if Celia's alright with it.
What is it with the men of the 'Berry?! Are you a man or a mouse? What?! Where? Can you see it?! Have you seen it? Oh, God, has it gone? Oh, tell me it's gone! What the hell is wrong you? Nothing, um Just, uh, a bit anxious, that's all.
I want, er I want the light bulb change to go well.
Nice and smooth, like, no hiccups.
It's a big job.
Gor I know what you mean, Al.
It took me best part of a week once to wire a plug.
You gotta get these things right.
Good God, it's like seeing a ghost! Oh, here we go.
Morning, Aunty Brenda.
From down by there I thought her Sean was back in town.
He wore leather and drove a whatshername.
But he was much younger than you.
You aged as I got nearer.
Well, thank you.
Thank you for that.
I can't chat, I'm only back from work cos I remembered I'd left the heating on.
And why aren't you in work? I thought you was cooking in the The thing is, I've been a right grumpy git with him lately.
I can hear myself nagging.
Alright? Alright.
It's not this way! Mam? Is this the way to the Chapel? Turn back on yourself and take the first left.
Told you.
Poor kid.
You think they'd have started him off on a live one.
Lift! Lift.
Ahh Don't beat yourself up about Michael.
You only want what's best for him.
I know, but Jan used to nag him day and night apparently, and Oh God! I'm not turning into the ex-wife? Stop it.
You couldn't be more different.
There you go.
And he loves you, I can see that.
He'll come to.
He's a good man, your Michael.
A responsible man.
It's just with the caff and the cabbying, I'm worried he's taken on too much.
But he's always wanted to be his own boss.
D'you want to sit up for me, love? It's all pressure though, isn't it? Look, your Al is a fighter.
He may seem like a big softy but, trust me, when his chips are down, he's brave and strong and fearless.
Right Let's be having you.
Aaargh! Aaaargh! Aaaaaaarrrrrrgh! Come out, you scampering shit! I suppose we're both lucky really.
Course we are.
Eh, let's do something nice for them tonight.
I could keep my nurses uniform on? Michael quite likes it I mean together.
Oh, no, I wouldn't go that far.
D'you mind? I mean a meal.
At ours.
Oh! A takeaway.
Less hassle.
I'll get some wine.
I'll get some chocolates.
A double date! Well, I'm glad that's sorted.
Keckers, it was that way! It's this way, now come on.
It's to the left.
Who said you was in charge? It's this way! Muppet! Tosser.
Now I'm telling you, it's this way.
No, it's this way.
Please tell me that man is dead.
Do you have an explanation for this? Ben?! What's going on?! I'm dealing with this, Nurse Morris.
You're dealing with nowt.
I've got my papers signed to say I've turned up, so you can stuff that stiff up your arse as far as I care.
I'm off.
And you? Oh, he's staying.
Is he yours? Yes.
He's a good boy really.
Help me return the deceased to the trolley, please.
Of course.
Er, d'you want the head or the feet? Just take the lower limbs, please.
You got any kids yourself? No.
Too busy, is it? You married? No.
Just as well, the hours you work.
Not much time for a family life.
And lift Phew! That's the thing with your job.
Must be hard to find someone who understands, I should think, cos you've got to make sacrifices, haven't you? Oh, God.
I've gone too far, haven't I? I've embarrassed you.
I always do this.
You hate me now, don't you? I don't hate you.
Yeah, you do, I can tell.
I assure you I don't.
Bloody thing.
Why, Mr Solicitor.
Haven't seen you in The Cock before.
Beyonce, d'you work here? Spot on.
Still got your details.
In case of emergencies, like.
So? I'll have a red wine.
Merlot if you've got it.
We got two types of red.
Cold or warm.
Erm, whatever's open.
Good choice.
Nice place.
I practically grew up 'ere.
Your family owned it? No, but my mother used to leave me in the car outside with pop and crisps when she spent afternoons on the lash with the latest boyfriend.
Oh, right.
Oh, yeah.
I just loves The Cock, me.
Show me your prints.
Where are you? Show yourself.
Show me your prints! Where are ya? Show me Ha! That's it.
Gloves off.
Fancy you owning your own law firm, you look too young.
It must be the exfoliator, then.
Three times a day and four at weekends.
So, you working on anything big at the moment? Yes.
I am, as a matter of fact.
Well, can you tell me what it is, Mr Jackson? Or can I call you Mike? Sure, er, Mike's fine.
But, no, I can't.
Client confidentiality is absolutely paramount in the legal profession.
Confidentiality is totally key in my line of work too.
Any secret would be safe with me, Mike, promise.
OK, well, strictly between us I am on my way back from the very delicate drawing up of a will where the client, an old farmer, has £400,000 in used notes stuffed in his mattress.
Thing is, he wants to leave it all not to his wife .
but to his prize bull.
You're joking me? Correct.
So, people, at the bottom of my bed you'll see a medical printout.
The information and stats on there should enable you to diagnose my phantom condition.
Any questions? Nurse Brackstone? No, don't think so.
Speak up.
No, don't think so.
Speak up! No, I don't think so! - Have the rest of you got it? - Yes, Cheryl.
Once you've worked out what's wrong with me, you can move on to Mrs Wong.
No conferring.
Exam conditions apply.
Stella Morris.
Right, um, blood pressure high.
And you're shaking a bit.
Erm, and you've got a slight rash on the back of your hand.
Don't touch me! Look at the notes! And on your arms.
The notes, Morris! Very irritable also.
Diabetes! You've got type one diabetes! Wrong! Pancreatitis! But your rash? The fruity breath Wrong! Wong! Well, come on, Stella Morris! Right, let's see Um Shaking of the limbs Um Foaming at the mouth Certainly a fit of some kind.
Epileptic, maybe? Ooh, and she's grabbing her left arm! Heart attack? Wrong! Chicken pox! No, heart attack.
Her notes clearly show she got chicken pox, Stella Morris.
No, I mean she is having a heart attack.
Right now! Mr Honey! Move away! We've got a cororonary! Let the rabbit see the hole, let the dog get the bone.
Stand back, please, everybody.
Get me an FBC, a blood gas and cardiac enzymes.
BP 90 over 45.
Crash cart, please.
Crash cart's on its way, Mr Honey.
Stand beside, people.
We've got an emergency situation emergency.
Thank you, Sister Spragg.
Charge to 150.
Right, we have a stable rhythm, let's get her to the Cath Lab.
Well done.
Thank you.
Like I said, no riff-raff, no chit-chat, so what do you mean, second thoughts? I've been thinking about my cousin, Gwynfo.
Massive gambler.
What's he got to do with it? He's been clean for 20 years nigh on.
Lost his first house to Alwyn the Arab, him from Tylorstown.
Poker's a perilous pastime, Dai.
Butch up, Bobby.
Are you in or out? Oh, go on then.
I'm a sucker for a bit of danger.
Hiya, Karl! Alright, Karl? Word on the street is there's a poker night going down.
Where d'you hear that? On the street.
Which street? The street with the word.
What word? The one with the Look, is there a game of poker on tonight or what? Shh! There is.
Who told you? Say no more! Please, Dai.
I'm a bit skinners at the minute I wanna buy something nice for Nads, like.
Treat her.
What do you say? Another? Oh, why not.
I don't wanna dispel the myth about drink and lawyers.
But you're not a lawyer.
The last I heard you got a job flipping burgers in Big Al's caff.
Hardly Rumpy of the Bailey, is he? It's Rumpole, actually.
Whatever, burger boy.
What the hell are you doing 'ere, Kackers? Keckers.
You knows it's Keckers.
You're barred.
Remember? Oh, and Kackers You got bog roll on your shoe.
Mm, nice try.
I don't give a toss what you do, Mike.
It's you I like.
And this one is on me, OK? Well, on the 'ouse, anyway.
Oh, yes, it's a common treatment for cardiac dysrhythmias.
Come again? It's saved a lot of lives.
But, how does it work, like? Well, it delivers a therapeutic dose of electrical energy to the heart.
You mean you get to proper electrocute 'em? Ha, mega! Mega indeed.
And if you come round here Stella Morris.
It's 17:00 hours.
My office.
Sir! Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Get off! Another? I would, but I'm actually a bit crap at afternoon drinking.
So, best get a cab, I think.
Ooh, one thing before you go, though.
Do me a massive favour and help us shift a crate out back? I got no help till six.
Right, where is it? Where's what? The crate? Oh, never mind that.
I've found something else needs doing.
Let's see what else I can find, is it? Ohh.
Stop! Stop! I need a taxi.
Cheryl, I am so sorry about this morning.
My impersonation.
It wasn't big and it wasn't clever, and it probably wasn't that good.
Forget about this morning.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
You've had a huge shock.
We all have.
How is Mrs Wong by the way? I know you're very close.
Forget about Betty Wong! She's hard as nails.
Before she set up her business empire she travelled to this country with nothing in her pocket but 20 Woodbine and a toothpick.
She'll pull through.
OK, well, I'd better You were correct.
Sorry? Your diagnosis in the practical exam.
Between these four walls, that door, the floor and the ceiling, you were correct.
I do have diabetes one, which is being treated with the appropriate medication, and under no circumstances are you to mention or discuss it ever again.
Understood? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
A sergeant can never show any weakness.
But you're not a sergeant, you're a nurse.
And a really good one.
You showed that today.
Look, if you ever want to talk Meeting over.
Oh, great.
Sorry it's me.
Probably the last person you wanted to see after what just happened.
What do you mean? This morning.
In the caff, like.
Yeah, well, you'll have to do.
Just get me home, yeah? Is that putty you've got all over your head? Flour and water.
Its a long story.
Look, I'm sorry about Little Alan's behaviour this morning.
You've left him to run the ship alone, then? Not really.
You see, after he told me to sack you, he, uh, sacked me.
So, how was it then, The Cock? It was different.
I see Beyonce's back there working.
Who? The barmaid.
Oh, right.
She can be a bit of trouble, y'know, that one.
Yeah, I got that impression.
Eh, you going to Dai Davies' poker game tonight? Try and stop me.
Love my poker.
You? Definitely.
Haven't told Celia yet, but she's good as gold, like.
Let's me do anything.
Hi, there.
Oh, alright, love? Oh, right.
I didn't know that.
No, of course not.
Sounds great.
Nice idea.
Bye! You're coming to mine for dinner tonight.
I'm coming to yours for dinner tonight.
Are you sure you don't mind me and your dad going out tonight, then? No, course not.
Oh, look, Mam.
Mr Honey told me I'd find 'em 'ere.
Phwoar! Look at the size of that one? Implantable that is.
Defibrillators? Don't tell me you've got the medical bug after today, have you? Hey, that's what you should go and sign up for in college.
You'll need it for medicine - and you get to blow stuff up.
Not medicine.
That's what I wanna do.
What? Technology.
The cutting edge stuff.
Like an inventor.
Gotta admit, though.
He's the dog's, isn't he? Who? Mr Honey, mun! Oh, he's alright.
Ooh, last time I looked at a sixth form prospectus was 30 years ago.
A week later I found out I was pregnant.
Well, relax, cos I'm not.
There you go.
Yep, see you.
There you go, see.
Technical Design.
Told you.
I'll sign up tomorrow.
Hallelujah! One thing.
What? I'll need to be able to drive, so perhaps you could pay for some lessons as well as Michael taking me? Don't push it.
Oh, 'ere he is.
How is my little chef? Desperate for a coffee.
Oh, have you had a hard day? Er, sort of, yeah.
Have you been drinking? No.
Well, just the one.
On my way back.
I don't think Jamie Oliver would approve of booze in the kitchen.
Not with all them knives and things around.
I haven't been in the kitchen.
Where've you been, then? What is this? The Spanish Inquisition? Oh, sorry, was I nagging? No, it's not you.
I was sacked.
What? What? What? Turns out I wasn't needed after all.
Thought I'd go for a ride, cheer myself up.
The sodding bike broke down.
I've been at the garage all day.
It's still there now.
You're not having much luck at the minute, are you, presh? Don't feel sorry for me.
This is all my doing.
Y'know, I will support you whatever you do, but you're a lawyer, Michael, not a chef.
Tell you what.
Why don't you go and put your feet up and I'll make us a nice cup of tea, is it? Thanks.
Please tell me there's a good explanation for this?! Well, of course there is.
There was a real problem, big, like, with the water pressure this afternoon.
Not even a dribble.
So I fixed it.
I would've tidied this lot up, like, but I got an urgent fare from The Cock.
Lucky I was at home, really.
Lucky?! Houses in the Blitz were luckier than this.
Why weren't you in the caff today? I was sacked.
What?! Well, Little Alan thinks he's sacked me.
It's a load of nonsense but I Right, you clean yourself up, get this place sorted.
We've got guests tonight.
And you, re-employ your father immediately.
No way.
No way? You need him for the days you're in college.
He just gets under my feet.
Ha! Do it now! It's too late.
Re-employ your father or there's no PlayStation for a week.
Ugh! You start tomorrow at eight.
Don't be late.
I love this bit.
The build-up.
The apprehension.
The danger in the air.
Orange squash, anyone? Cheesy puffs? Just the squash.
Puffs and me have never got on.
Tonight is to celebrate some big news.
You know Dixie's Field? Top of the Willows? Indeed.
Prime Valleys' woodland.
And guess who's just bought it? Would we know him? Or is it a woman? Me, you p Me, mun! What the hell have you done that for?! Bought a bog and some wasteland, whasnim.
Drunk, were you? Absolutely not! It was going for a song.
You gentlemen, and you, are looking at a landowner.
Who the hell is that? The table's full.
Not yet it's not, good boy.
I thought you needed some high rollers so I stepped in for you.
You what?! Come on in, Scotty! Alright, everyone? Ha! How you doing? Aunty Brenda tells me there's a bit of fuckin' action in the 'Berry tonight.
Mind if I pull up a chair? Crazy Karl.
I know.
We've met loads of times.
Oh, nice one.
And this is Luke I know him, too.
We know each other, mun.
Oh, my boy.
Ah, I didn't know that.
Stepson, really.
But we're as thick as ants, ain't we? Weren't always like that, mind.
When I started courting his mam, he couldn't stand the sight of me.
Used to punch me in the face and everything.
Spat in my hair once.
Did I? I'm sorry to interrupt the stroll down memory lane, but can we get on, please? Aye, two quid in, yeah? Two quid.
There we go, two quid.
I've got no cash, only this.
The shirt on my back.
Right, you lot.
Let's play cards.
Yes! Bring it on! Feeling lucky.
Perhaps that explains why she's so uptight all the time? High blood pressure, sugar up and down Eurgh! Argh! Ohh! Alan, what's wrong? Sorry, I heard the door.
Before it was knocked? I'll get it.
Alan, what is the matter? I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
It's alright.
I've got Let me just Thanks a lot.
OK, tenner a head.
And remember, I am getting yours, Mr Jackson.
You've had a hard day haven't you, presh? Not great.
It seems like Little Alan's upset quite a few people today, eh? Oh, it's not just that.
His bike had broken as well.
Aaaaarrrgh! Aaargh! Sorry about that.
My arm.
Tight elbow.
Happens every so often.
It's an old rugby injury.
I'll sort this lot out later.
Anyway, as I was saying.
Been in the garage all afternoon, haven't you? Have you? Yes, I have.
Aaaarrrgh! Urgh! Alan! What is going on?! I'll cover your three, Luke, and raise you a fiver.
Who do you think you are, Dai Davies? Minnesota Fats? Fats played pool, not poker.
It's not the game I was referring to.
I'm out.
We can see that.
I didn't realise it was so cold in 'ere.
Oh, me, too.
And me.
Fold? But you own half of Pontyberry.
That as may be, but you don't poop about with Lady Luck.
Eh? Eh? So, just you and me, son.
The whole pot is riding on this.
Or, shall we say, on you.
I'll see you.
A pair of kings! Ha-ha! Oh, God alive! Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
Full house.
Yes! Yessss! Whoo! Poor little thing.
Come on, out you go.
So that's it? A mouse.
Not just that mouse.
Any mouse.
Been like it since I was a kid.
Look at the size of me.
No, it's not.
I mean, take me, I've got an aversion to honeycomb.
What? Honeycomb? Freaks me out.
The shape of it.
I can't stand it.
The way it's so neat.
And the thought of all them bees making it and being so "neat".
You weirdo.
So, what about you then, gorgeous? Any confessions? What? No, nothing.
I don't have a "thing".
No phobias? Fears? Pretty boring, I'm afraid.
Who's that? Your girlfriend, is it? Aaarrgh! No.
It's Katie.
She wants a lift from swimming tomorrow.
Right, that's the veggie one, OK? Shall we just mix it all up, is it? Yeah, absolutely.
D'you want a top up? What are you doing here? And why d'you keep texting? What do you want? Oh, I got what I wanted last night, didn't I? I dunno where you've run off to, but come home so I can apologise properly, OK? I got a little surprise for you.
Dad, what's going on? Stella, I know this looks really bad.