Stella (2012) s05e04 Episode Script

Series 5, Episode 4

If this medication isn't working, I wanna come back to Wales for a bit.
I haven't got no one to dance with.
-So I was wondering -Yes, well, you are in luck.
I'm here to talk about Jasminder.
I think it's time we found her a husband.
He've come to stay for the summer? Hello, Stella.
(VOCALISING) And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside Na na na na na na Na na na (BIRDS CHIRPING) MICHAEL: But, why a cottage? What's wrong with the hotel? I don't know.
He's here for the summer, isn't he? -It's more silence.
-Oh, is that what he told you? (SIGHING) No, it's what he told Luke.
Remember Luke? The son he've come to visit? Don't be sarcastic, Stella, doesn't suit you.
It's just Rob has been here a week now and I'm fed up of talking about him.
I wanna talk about our anniversary instead.
Two years.
Where's the time gone? Aw.
You walked me home after the gala, took me to your bedroom Pushed you onto the bed and said Something big has come up.
Don't remember that bit.
That's enough! I just don't want your insurance, okay? Now, goodbye.
James' claim letter hasn't had a response.
-What? -We need that in by the end of Friday or we can't counterclaim.
But I'm going to Pontyberry today, it's my anniversary tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Michael.
Until this is done you're not going anywhere.
Ta-da! What do you think? Very flash.
Stolen? Yeah.
Lost the police at the roundabout.
(CHUCKLING) -Want a hand? -No.
Come on in.
This is nice, innit? There really is no need to take me, you know.
It's just routine.
Do my bloods.
Oh, hush now.
And get a move on, we're gonna be late.
This is still between us, isn't it? Of course.
I haven't told no one, not even Michael.
Thank you.
I don't like keeping things from him though, Rob.
Hmm.
Sorry.
Right.
Let's get you to the hospital before the police catch up with me.
How many times? There's no way I'm having an arranged bloody marriage.
Please, we just have to keep your dadiji happy.
-But why? -Well, because she's your grandmother.
And, because she owns half the pub.
The Kapoors are one of the most respected families in Bombay.
So, I must insist that the living room upstairs is thoroughly cleaned.
Am I clear? -You're in the way.
-I beg your pardon.
Look, love, I'm employed to clean the pub, all right? I'm not some domestic servant.
So, are you gonna move or you want wet feet? (SIGHING) We sign the new lease next month.
Please, just play along until then.
You've only got to meet the boy.
I promise.
(SCOFFING) Fine! But you owe me, all right? (SIGHING) Gotta say.
You got good taste in staff there, jag.
Soft hair, full lips, a hind leg like a Spanish stallion.
And she got balls which I always find attractive in a woman.
What are you getting at, Yanto? I think your cleaner's the dog's.
I'm gonna ask her out.
On a date? Aye.
I'm not stepping on toes here, am I, captain? If you got designs on her, for the officer's mess then I'll stand aside.
No, of course not.
(CHUCKLING) Don't be ridiculous, man.
In that case, mission on.
And they're all wood, basically.
A teak, pine, mahogany.
Some offer wicker, but they're either hippies or cheapskates, so I wouldn't bother looking at them.
I tell you what, why don't you take this home with you to peruse at your what-you-call and give us a tinkle later on.
Thank you for your custom, sorry for your loss.
Bye! What in the name of Julie Christie was that? You had her in and out quicker than a microwaved spud.
Sorry, gotta dash.
Council meeting.
I'm gonna propose myself as candidate for new mayor.
IVAN: Morticia Brenda.
When you began this job, you insisted your work here would be not compromised.
I ain't compromising nothing.
Ivan, love, surely having the mayoress of Pontyberry on your payroll can only benefit this lush emporium.
Very well.
But, I must insist your presence at tomorrow's wake.
Hmm.
Eric Edwards, a Star Trek fanatic.
Oh, do you mean Eric the Vulcan? Well, I'm surprised that he even has a wake, he have no friends to speak of.
All ''online'', apparently.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Laters! Do not let me down, Morticia Brenda.
(BLOWING) -Daniel Kapoor.
-Oh.
You are having a giraffe.
This is your one opportunity for eternal happiness.
It is vital you make a good first impression.
Therefore, I think it will be most fitting for you to perform a Bharata natyam when he arrives.
Dance? In front of him? Have you completely lost the plot? Please, Jasminder, don't talk to your dadiji like that.
-Oh, look what you've done now.
-(GASPING) You're not the one having to go along with that bloody madness.
All I desire, all I pray for and beg for on the ground like a crawling hound is that my family should be happy.
I only want what's best for you.
But you, you spit it in my face.
(WAILING) (SPEAKING HINDI) (CRYING CONTINUES) Fine, I'll do the flipping dance.
Thank you.
(SPEAKING IN HINDI) (DOOR OPENING) Knock, knock.
Sorry to disturb, but I wanna talk about this.
-What of it? -I want to enter with you.
No, no, no.
It would not appropriate be.
I am a professional.
The others are mere amateurs.
So? That gives us a better chance.
Any idea where the lippy is? I'm right in the middle of Mrs Doyle.
jujing her up for a family look-see.
The thing is, you're amazing.
You're the best.
There's only two winners for this competition, you and whoever you dance with.
And I wanna be the whoever.
Please.
It was here on Tuesday.
I used it for old man Jacob's cheeks.
Stop wittering, Bobby.
Use this.
''Intense Plum'' is hardly ideal for a 90-year-old.
I don't think she'll be complaining, do you? So, will you dance with me again? Please.
What do you say? I say, to the hell with it.
What have I got to lose? (SQUEALING) I've booked a room at the Fox, to practise.
-I won't let you down, Evin.
Evan.
-Ivan.
Ivan.
(CHUCKLING) (SNAPPING FINGERS) You wanna tread gentle with that one, you know.
Attractive woman, husband away.
Bobsy, you are holding a stick by the incorrect end.
She is interested solely in the dance.
Hmm.
Yes.
Yes.
This is good.
Still needs a few tweaks, though, -and witness statements.
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING) Sorry, do you mind if I Checking in with your insurance broker? Sure.
Ask her what the weather's like in Wales.
just ringing in to check I didn't get you into trouble earlier.
Look, um, I've got something to tell you.
-(SIREN BLARING) -Where are you? Um, walking Banjo.
-Stella.
-Who's that? Oh, it's Rob.
Hey, Rob.
What What's he doing there? He's out for a run.
-Right, well, um, send him my best.
-Will do.
I suppose we should invite him over sometime, show him my allotment? Guess so.
-Oh, come on then.
-What? Invite him over.
Do you wanna come and see the allotment one night? Michael's asking.
Uh, yeah.
Lovely.
He said, ''Yeah.
Lovely.
'' -Anyway, look, about tomorrow, I -Hang on a sec.
Rob? -What's wrong? -Ugh.
just a bit light-headed, that's all, from the bloods.
Can you tell me later, presh? Only, um, it just started raining and I haven't got my brolly.
-Bye.
-Ste What time is your train? Uh, 3:00.
-I'm coming with you.
-What? I'll go and see Marshall, that IT guy in Cardiff.
We'll work en route and make tomorrow's deadline by tonight.
You are a bloody angel.
I think you know I'm not.
Thank you.
Stop looking at me.
I'm fine.
just might not be doing the next London marathon, that's all.
You have to tell Luke, Rob.
(EEHALING DEEPLY) Topshop in Tonyrefail.
For my waitressing.
What do you think? Awesome.
I like everything you wear.
Aw.
-Hiya.
-Hiya, Stell.
Did you hear that? He's the best BF ever, ain't he, like.
BEN: And from the gully into the garden and into the house.
Here we are in the kitchen.
And, oh, look over there.
Who's that? Could it be a dirty douche who'd rather spend the summer with a girl than his best bro? You know you're not recording.
The light's not on.
Got you on a borrowed pen.
Oi, don't talk to her like that, sap-head.
-Or what, douche-bag? -STELLA: Oh, do you know what? You two are doing my flipping head in.
Some people in this world have got real problems.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) The one-way system has been in place since 1989 when an average of 0.
38000 vehicles and Sorry.
Not interrupting anything, am I? George The Butcher here was just laying out his plans -for the one-way system.
-Oh, good.
Nothing important, then.
I was just declaring myself as candidate for mayor.
Well, funnily enough, that's exactly why I'm here, 'cause I want to declare, and all.
You declare for mayor? (SCOFFS) Give me a break.
Look, I didn't want to have to bring this up, but Before she died, Mayor Mary Meyer told me I was to be her successor.
Successor? (SNICKERS) Who do you think you are? Henry VIII? (ALL LAUGHING) (CLEARING THROAT) Have you got a manifesto? Well, of course I do, good boy.
I got mani-what's-his-names flowing from my noodle extreme as in the what-you-call.
So, come on then.
Tell us what they are.
I'll tell you right now when I'm gonna tell you what they are.
Tomorrow afternoon in the Frisky Fox.
In a pub? Yes, a public place 'cause we are here to serve the people of the public, all right? I got a big table booked for lunch, on me.
My plans will be revealed then.
There you go.
Thanks.
Oh! Uh, do me a favour.
We're out of lemonade.
Here's a tenner.
Pop down the Lidl's and get six big bottles, will you? All right.
Thank you.
What for? Trusting him.
Well, trust has got nothing to do with it.
I'm a businessman.
I'm hoping he'll shoplift the pop and come back with the tenner.
(LAUGHING) So, here we are, Pontyberry Park, haunted after dark by a ghost swan and a zombie fox.
Let's find out more.
Uh, hiya, girls.
Uh, have you been in this park at night? I know what you're after there, Morris.
And I told you I weren't interested last summer.
What? Oh no, I didn't mean that.
-Oh.
-Can I see that? Yeah.
It was your sister I was after, anyway! These things are meant to be, um, idiot-proof.
How did you mess this up? All right, Steven Spielberg.
You know how to use it, do you? Of course, sunshine.
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH) LUKE: Hiya! Uh, look, I gotta go.
Yeah, time to be grandpa.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, and thank you for feeding Dylan.
Yeah, you too.
Bye.
-Hey.
-Hello, Sophie.
Dylan? Have you two got a dog now? He's got the run of the pond.
Doesn't need much commitment.
I like him.
Is she coming over then? Suzanne.
Uh, probably not.
She's just so busy with work, you know, and, uh Anyway, I like my own space.
Besides, who'd feed Dylan? Haven't dragged you from anything, have I? Diddly squit.
Only thing I got going on is organising a Gambler's Anonymous meeting and I bet you a million quid even that goes tits up.
Hmm, I thought betting was off the cards.
Very funny.
I got no job, no prospects, no nothing.
And please don't say something will turn up because it never does.
Let me give you some cash, tide you over.
Ah, you're all right.
You're always bailing me out, you and mum.
Hey, what was it you wanted to talk about? Um Oh, I'm taking the whole family out for lunch tomorrow.
Nice big jolly.
What do you say? Yeah, sounds good.
You'll like going out for lunch, wouldn't you? (BABY GIGGLING) (PERHAPS BY DORIS DAY PLAYING) I know what you're thinking.
You do? I never got the projection right on my active leg.
In the middle eight.
Let us five minutes take? Very impressive.
I know.
We got natural chemistry, me and Evan.
Ivan.
I'd say it was a bit more than chemistry if I didn't know better.
What are you suggesting, Stella Morris? Oh, nothing.
It's just that you You'd do well to remember I'm a married woman, thank you very much, with a husband up then rigging.
(SIGHS) I didn't mean anything Um, if you'll excuse me, I got dancing to do.
Can we try that bit from the end again? I didn't quite get my leg over.
Uh, no.
That quite suffices for today.
Goodnight.
Now look what you've done.
Disgusting, you are.
Mum! What are you doing here? WOMAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: At platform 3 is the 15.
;15 from London Paddington.
-And the witness statements? -Emailed from the train.
So, we've made the deadline then.
just.
Thanks for your help.
I didn't realise what a schlep it is for you every weekend.
Oh, it's worth it.
-Oh, great.
-Problem? Yeah.
I've missed the bloody valley connection.
See you Monday.
There was no need to come.
just wanted to know you're all right.
Yeah, it's supposed to be anonymous.
Well, I'm your mother.
See your dad today? Yeah, popped over, like.
You are all right, aren't you? Yeah, of course I'm all right.
It's just I know this has been advertised on the website and that, but what if word hasn't gotten out? I'll leave you to it.
Come in.
Been expecting you.
Sorry, uh, I'm not sure we're in the right place.
Now, we're all friends here.
You're definitely in the right place.
Take a seat.
Uh, there's no need to say anything.
I'll kick things off in a bit.
You have far to come? Mumbai.
Wow! -That, uh, really is commitment.
-(DOOR OPENING) Mrs Kapoor and Daniel, beta, Namaste.
Welcome to our home.
just ignore this unsavoury man and follow me.
(LAUGHS) For goodness sake, Jagadeesh, let people relax before they have food.
Where are your manners? Of course.
Apologies, Mother.
(SPEAKING IN HINDI) I have studied the charts of these two children very carefully, Mrs Kapoor, and they speak to me.
They are of the water.
And I have no doubt they should be together.
(SIGHING) Ugh, no, you gotta be fucking joking me.
Whoa, Keckers, hang on there.
Whether it's me or not that's running this, you're still walking out, ain't you? Don't get all Jeremy-shitting-Kyle on me, Lukey boy.
I'm serious.
If you've come about gambling, you've come to the right place, mate.
Must be stupid, innit? Big room, empty chairs, just me and you? Well, there's no way anyone else is gonna pitch up at this time.
Fancy a game of pool? All right, go on then.
Stell.
Well, good God.
-What time do you call this? -I'm so sorry.
I missed my connection.
Oh, thanks for seeing to these.
Careful now, you'll get your suit all muddy.
I'll come down here in the morning.
No, you won't, good boy 'cause we are leaving after breakfast -and heading up to Manor House.
-What? For our anniversary.
We're having a spa day and we're staying the night In a four-poster.
-We can't afford that.
-It cost nothing.
-(MOBILE PHONE PINGING) -I won it in a competition.
-'Course you did.
-(CHUCKLING) What? Look.
Why is Mad Max sending you a sex text? Oh, I picked up Maria's bloody phone, haven't I? Yeah, well, switch it off.
I don't wanna see no more if he's on the last leg of a strip.
I'll sort it tomorrow.
God, what a day.
-I mean, the defendant's team -Ey.
No work talk, is it? You're late as it is.
Let's not spoil the weekend.
It's just They tried to pull a fast one Michael.
-Fish and chips in the oven.
-(SIGHING) It makes a lot of sense what you're saying, like.
Yeah, like I told you, helping you helps me.
It's how it works, this thing.
I saw you win that cup.
It was at the Martyr's Club, weren't it? Three rounds on points.
I just kept running.
Uh, bull.
You were good.
I wish I had that skill.
It's the rage now, innit? Boxing to be fit, personal trainers and that.
MICHAEL: There's so much to choose from.
Yeah, I think I'll go for a nice shoulder massage.
Yeah, about that, presh.
The thing is, your treatment's already been chosen, see.
Really? What is it? Chest wax.
(CLEARING THROAT) What? That was the competition, like.
''Describe why you use Eternally Soft in less than 1 0 words.
'' Eternally Soft? (DOORBELL RINGING) It's the new brand of male chest wax.
I told them you use it.
But Eternally Soft? They'll be waxing you with it at 5:30.
just think of the four-poster, is it? -Hang on.
I -Oh, and there's gonna be a photographer there for their new brochure.
They said would you mind wearing this for the shot.
(DOG BARKING) Hiya.
Have you got five minutes? Yeah.
Come in.
-I saw Luke yesterday.
-Me too.
-You didn't tell him.
-I couldn't do it.
He seemed so worried about other stuff going on, I just wanted to protect him.
So, I told him we're going for a big family meal at one.
-What? -I was hoping you'd come, otherwise he'll know something is up.
Oh, no, I can't.
-Me and Michael are meant to -Please, Stella.
I really need your help with this.
Rob.
-You're out and about early.
-Uh, yeah.
-He just popped in to -Say hello.
-And to invite you folks for lunch.
-Invite us for lunch.
What, today? -No, sorry, we can't do today.
-Yeah, we can.
We can.
We'll see you there.
Okay, see you there.
Oh, Little Al, keep a cockin' eye out, will you? just collecting some sand for the back wall.
Old cement's rotten as cock.
This is the zombie playground where all of the dead zombies come together and play as one.
Uh, stay in the frame, Benjamin.
What do you mean frame, butt? Oh, that's rubbish.
Oh, you're pants.
We won't be working together again.
Artistic differences.
Yeah? Ben, can we talk about Cerys? Oh, shut up, man, I don't wanna hear that Last year when you met Lily I was really happy I helped you when you were too shy to ask her out, didn't I? Fat load of good that did.
And now I've met someone.
And like, it's your turn to be happy for me this time.
Yeah, well, she've gone and ruined our entire summer, hasn't she? We can still hang out, you know.
It's just I want to hang out with her and all.
I miss you, man.
Will you help me make my zombie film? What? Even though I'm a douche-bag? You can be a zombie douche-bag.
Yeah, all right.
-You reckon you can still go higher? -Of course I can, you muppet.
(LAUGHING) Eh, smile for the camera, come on! God, you are ugly, mate.
(LAUGHS) Hey, you kind of look like a zombie, saying that.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Don't you cockin' spray me, get it in the cockin' barrel! I don't care if you're hungry, if you don't shovel this, you get no tea.
Checking out the boxing gear, is it? Yeah, just, uh, seeing what's here, like.
Barter with him about the gloves.
I got a fiver off mine.
-Do you want a hand? -No.
Woman's gotta stay fit, Luke.
Strong body, strong mind.
Yeah, but that's obviously too heavy for you.
(PANTING) It's not for me, is it? It's for Betty Wong.
She can still bench press the equivalent of male orang-utan and she's 70 on Tuesday.
(GRUNTING) Welcome, welcome.
Take a seat.
We're through there.
just sit anywhere.
(LAUGHING) Yes.
And where in the name of Stephen Strange have you been? I thought you'd forgotten.
Forgotten what? -The wake.
-(GASPING) 'Course not.
(HESITANTLY) Uh, I just didn't know what to wear, that's all.
Anything but that, would do.
Now, come on.
Aunty Brenda.
Welcome, welcome, please.
Take a seat, George The Butcher.
I will shortly be making my speech for candidature.
But first, I gotta pop next door.
Dot, I'll be with you in a minute.
See? Making excuses already.
Shall we, uh Hurry up! Right.
Offer these around.
Whatever happens, don't laugh.
They take the whole thing very seriously.
Take what very seriously? (STARK TREKTHEME SONG PLAYING) Aaah.
BOBBY: I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh! (CLEARING THROAT) (SQUEAKING) Eric The Vulcan's online friends.
They've come to give him a Starfleet send-off.
As Eric would say, ''Live long and prosper.
'' Thank you.
Due to the occasion, I'd have thought it was pretty obvious he did neither.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much for making the effort today.
Eric would really have appreciated it.
-Effort? -You are the only Pavakian here.
Pavakian? One of the simple blemonge-like people that populate Bartalis.
One of Eric's favourite species.
Live long.
Cheers.
Very impressive.
How did you know what to wear? It's all in the research, kid.
It's all in the research.
(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) So graceful.
And now my Daniel has prepared a little poem for you.
Haven't you, Danny? All his own words.
Danny ''Oh, for a dove, for my love above.
'' -By Daniel Kapoor.
-By Daniel Kapoor.
May I first go to the lavatory? Please.
Yeah, me too.
Excuse me.
These young people and their bladders.
(CHUCKLING) But then, they are of the water.
(DOOR CLOSING) What is your star sign, Yasmina? Aries.
And my Jagadeesh is a Leo.
You are both of the fire.
This is a sure sign that Shiva is looking down upon us.
What are you talking about, Mother? I think that this home will see the dawn of not one, but two marriages! (SPEAKING HINDI) Stella.
Michael.
Glad you could make it.
Hiya.
Rob.
Right, uh, I'll get some drinks in.
Lager top, ta.
Uh, you're not 18.
He'll have a pop and orange.
But, Mum, that is so unfair.
May I remind you, the last time you had a drink you had a fight with Darren Lomax and someone wrote ''knob'' on your forehead.
-You're having a pop and orange.
-I'll give you a hand.
That was so embarrassing.
What 17-year-old doesn't drink? I'm looking at one right now.
Shaming.
What can I do for you, gents? Uh, two glasses of Merlot and a pop and orange.
-I'll just have a mineral water, thanks.
-Okay.
So, Stella tells me you've moved into a cottage up on Lemon Hill.
Yeah, it's a lovely little place, actually.
You must both come over for dinner.
Not that I'm much of a cook.
And well, uh, is it Suzanne? Will she be joining you? Oh, I'm not sure yet.
And Stella also tells me you don't know how long you'll be staying.
Yeah, well, it's the, uh, perks of being your own boss, I guess.
So, just take long holidays.
Is that all this is? A holiday? You know, sometimes I forget that you're a solicitor.
-Sorry? -All these questions.
It's just like being in court.
-Put those on my bill please, Cerys.
-Of course.
Here you all are.
Why didn't no one tell me what time you was all meeting? Uh, Nadine, this is a quiet family meal.
I know, Ben said.
Shame Karl couldn't be here.
Still, you'll have to make do with me.
Ben, give me a hand with your sister.
-Come on.
-What? So, what were you two nattering about at the bar? I don't natter.
Talking about, then.
Court cases.
I can't bear lying, Rob.
And he knows something's going on.
just let me tell Luke first.
I'll do it today, after the meal.
I'd prefer it if you were with me when I did.
Of course.
-Here you go, darling.
-Thank you.
-All right? -Hiya.
What the hell are you doing? What does it look like? This whole thing's unbearable.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) You look like you need this more than me.
Cheers.
I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to this debacle.
I thought you looked well up for it.
I'm a good actor.
Your dance was very interesting.
Yeah, right up there with ''Oh, for the love of dove above.
'' (CHUCKLING) Would you like to go outside for a smoke? I don't smoke.
Would you like to go outside and watch me smoke? Let's get some drinks.
Give me a hand.
I was wondering if we could have a chat later on.
Yeah, me too.
About that cash you offered me.
-Well, actually -Don't you think I'm not grateful.
I am.
But I can't borrow from you, can I? 'Cause of this GA thing.
We're not meant to borrow, are we? Or lend.
No, I know that.
That's not what I meant.
I was wondering if you'd like to invest instead.
-Invest in what? -I've had this idea.
Set myself up as a fitness instructor, boxingcise.
Done some forecasts, and you'll get it back, definitely.
It'll just be for the equipment.
What do you say? I'd love to.
Cheers, Dad.
MICHAEL: Give it back.
It's gonna be all right, Luke.
I know it's bit of shock.
Eh? Luke was just was just telling me how he's going to set up his own business.
I'm lucky enough to invest.
Boxingcise.
(CHUCKLES) Boxingcise.
Oh! Yeah, it's a brilliant idea.
When did you come up with that? What do you mean, ''It's a shock''? just seeing your dad again, that's all.
Your mother's had a few too many Merlots.
She never could hold her drink.
-Same again please, Cerys.
-CERYS: Yeah.
(CLEARING THROAT) Stell, we should be, uh, heading off now.
You can't go yet.
There's sticky toffee puddings for afters.
It's our anniversary, Ben.
Really? What of? You should have said.
-Two years since we first met -Went on a date.
Right, you ready, Stell? Actually, let's stay and have dessert, is it? Still got plenty of time to get there.
Ben, watch the baby for me.
Mine's the fruit salad, no cream.
You're different from your photo.
Looks can be deceptive, huh? I don't even need these glasses.
My mother insists it makes people think I'm intelligent.
-(CHUCKLING) That's mad.
-Yeah.
There's clear glass in them.
(CHUCKLING) I know dadiji means well and that, and I love her to bits, really, but she can't know who's right for me, can she? Of course not.
Matchmaking is archaic.
You've got to go with your heart, not your head.
And there has to be physical attraction.
of course.
Of course.
Strong physical attraction.
Very strong.
(EEHALING DEEPLY) just going out for a breather.
Family meal.
It's hard when you're the centre of attention all the time.
I can imagine.
You wasn't bothered last night, was you, about what that Stella Morris was insinuating? 'Cause she just doesn't understand the dancing.
Always been a bit thick, that one.
I can see from whence her mistake arose.
-Eh? -Dance is in us, it takes us over.
We have the chemistry, you and I.
That's what I said.
That is what I said! -We do, don't we? -Absolutely.
But the notion of a romantic liaison between us (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHING) Preposterous.
Hysterical.
So I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow at 8:00 for practise, partner? You all right? Look like you've seen a ghost.
-Carole -(DOOR OPENING) -I wonder if you would like -The mystery machine is ready to take us to paradise.
You what? The number 48 for Cardiff leaves in 1 0 minutes.
I've finished up.
Do you mind if I go? What? Yes.
(CHUCKLING) Please, yes.
Of course.
Lager top.
On Bob's bill.
And don't tell my mum.
-You really don't like me, do you? -Correct.
Well, the feeling's mutual, all right? We'll just have to put up with each other, won't we? For the sake of my mate.
Deal? Deal.
About flipping time and all.
You two were really getting on my nerves like a couple of cats.
-Um -Not now, Dotty.
Where the hell have you been? -Stuck in the transporter beam.
-Eh? Nothing.
Now, listen here, you lot.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen of the Council, if you do make me mayor of Pontyberry, you'll get honesty, drive and passion.
And what-you-call.
(CHUCKLING) Is that it? Plus, a pub lunch like this every month.
My bill.
Thank you.
Jagadeesh! Jagadeesh! I found this upstairs in the living room.
It's from Jasminder, look! ''Me and Danny gone to Ibiza to chill.
No panics, catch you soon.
'' (CRYING) My little girl.
Our little baby.
What have you done? -Me? -You pushed her too hard with your demands and your overbearing ways and now she's run away.
-What have you done? -Shh.
-Shh.
-(SPEAKING HINDI) -(CLEARING THROAT) -Your pudding.
Aunty Brenda, mayor-in-waiting.
-(LAUGHING) -STELLA: Congratulations.
Does this mean that you'll be giving up your job in the funeral parlour now that you're in office? No, Rob Morgan, it do not.
I'm still very much needed there 'cause people are always dropping dead.
Thank God.
(LAUGHING) MARIA: Michael.
MICHAEL: Maria.
Pleasure.
Oi, Chief, pint a Cock'n Bull.
Well, you've taken a bit of tracking down.
That's a fiver to the bag lady for directions.
-You've got my phone.
-I've got your phone.
-Max is expecting me this evening.
-I know.
He, uh, sent a photo.
He's obviously really missing you.
Uh, I wanted to get back to you, but the day just spiralled.
I didn't think swapping was your thing.
Yes.
Um, no, it isn't.
Um, come and meet the natives.
Everyone, this is Maria, my boss.
I'm gonna get her a drink, so be nice, please.
-Stella, happy anniversary.
-Hiya.
Oh, thanks.
Did Michael tell you the slog he had to get back for it? No, he haven't said nothing.
All right, Marie? I'm Nadine, Stella's son's stepmother.
Yeah, I'm Luke, her eldest son.
But not with my dad.
I'm Ben, her second, and my sister's in India.
I'm Little Allen.
Stella's kind of adopted me.
Rob Morgan.
And I'm the great cocking aunt of Michael's unborn baby.
Quite a lot to take in all at once.
Aunty Brenda, mayor-in-waiting.
Are you the swinger from London? Oh, God.
I'm in a polyamorous relationship, if that's what you mean.
Have I missed anything? Train beckons.
Nice to meet you all.
-Ta-da, love.
-So long.
Safe journey! (CHUCKLING) Maria, what's happened? Can I apologise for anything that may or may not have been said, especially Relax.
It's nothing I've not heard before.
Uh, thank you for the phone.
How long were they together? How How do you know they were together? You can tell.
Bye.
Stella.
Stella.
Can I have a word? STELLA: I was just telling Rob about the dinner party.
Was Maria okay? Is everything all right? -No, it fucking well isn't.
-What? This whole weekend has been a total waste of time.
I mean, I've worked my ass off to make this anniversary and you decide to spend our day giggling with your ex-bloody-boyfriend who's suddenly showed up like a bad rash.
-Rash? -Yeah, what about doing your placement in London? There's been no talk of that since he arrived.
Something's going on, Stella.
What is it? Nothing.
Nothing to do with us, anyway.
Well, that's not good enough.
I'm going.
-Going where? -Back to London.
I've wasted enough time this weekend as it is.
Oh, Michael, don't go.
Michael.
BEN: Mum, quick! Call an ambulance! (ALL CLAMOURING) LUKE: All right, give him some air.
I don't know what's happened, Mum.
He got up to go to the bar and just sort of collapsed.
Rob, can you hear me? What's wrong with him, Mum? You? Looking good.
You are on fire, Conchita.
Do you think I'm so shallow I'd leap into Rob's bed at the slightest sign of trouble? -Michael is threatened by Rob.
-(SCOFFING) You think? Welcome to my town.
Welcome to my establishment.