Still Game (2002) s00e02 Episode Script
Still Game Live
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, stranger.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING What is that bastartin' racket? Is there a fitba match on or something? Maybe something's happening at the Clansman, naebody's telt us.
Nah, Isa would've said something, surely.
Aye.
It'll be the young team on the spare grun.
They mutant weans.
Aye.
What did you say that for? What? When I came out the kitchen there, you said, "Hello, stranger.
" Och, you were away in there for bloody years, Jack.
Aye, well, I'm back now, so shut up.
Aye, good(!) What's this we're watching? Och, it's this shower of wankers live at some bastard arena, you know? They've no' performed together for years, they've settled their differences, and noo they're back! CHEERING Aye, see All they're doing is lining their bastarding pockets.
Aye, aye.
Back to wring the last bit of sweetness oot it for cold, hard cash, eh? They must think we're daft.
Only a mug would pay to see a bunch of pensioners LAUGHTER staggering aboot the stage, you know? Aye, wouldnae catch me coughin' up for that shite.
No.
Monty Python.
Pfft! Aye.
Bloody parrot sketch.
Ministry of silly walks.
Ministry of silly cocks, mair like it.
VICTOR CHUCKLES Eh? I like it, Jack.
Aye.
What's this, here? Oh, that's an invite.
Invite to what? Oh, my Fiona and Tony - that's them been married 20 years now.
Aye, they're gonnae renew their vows in Canada.
Canada! Aye.
Are we getting to go back to Canada? Och, no, it's non-starter.
She knows I'll not go for that, no.
Ach, you're probably right, Jack.
I couldnae dae that flight now, anyway.
The jet lag, the deep vein thrombosis.
The fact you werenae invited.
LAUGHTER See, there's that noise again.
It's like laughter and merriment coming oot the Clansman.
Aye.
Laughter and merriment are not two words I associate wi' the Clansman, Jack.
No.
Ah, it'll be the young team pissed up ootside Navid's.
Aye.
Full o' that Scadooba.
Aye.
Aye.
Parrot sketch.
Hmph! You see, that shit doesnae work, because you cannae put a television show on in a theatre.
Indeed you cannot.
Why not? Well, it's its ain wee world, a television show, intit? But in the theatre, live - the fourth wa', they call that.
The what wa'? The fourth wa'.
In the theatre, there isnae one.
What are you on about, Jack? I don't know.
Mm.
What I'm saying was, if this was a theatre, right? That wa' there wouldnae be there.
See if that door was to go just now Aye.
and I was to go and answer it Mm.
I wouldnae go and answer it like this No.
Aye? I'll tell you for why.
Because that would feel pig ignorant.
But if the door was to go the noo "Ding-dong!" I'd feel I'd want to answer it like this Have you had a stroke, Jack? Naw.
But if I was gonnae have one, I'd want to have one right here, you see? For who?! For them.
The weans outside Navid's? Naw.
The audience! The audience! There you are! AUDIENCE CHEERS Yas! Aye! Look at that! Did ye think we werenae gonnae talk to you? Naw.
That WOULD be pig ignorant.
Naw, what we've done is, we've fooled ye, ya shower of wankers.
Oh, Jack! Now, see these people down here, Victor? Aw these people here? Oh, these fine people here, yes.
Yes.
They are the diehards, they are the faithful.
The box set brigade, yes.
Oh, yes.
Soon as you all heard the show was happening, you got on the blower.
Yes.
And happy you were to hang on for nine hours only to be cut aff twice before you got some tickets.
Now, the people there Oh, you're confused, Jack.
That's not people.
No, they are people.
Surely not! They wee dots of people They wee dots of people, hello! Hello! There they are, aye.
They bastarts didnae want to come at all.
Naw.
No, no.
They got their tickets for their Christmas or some such.
Aye.
There they were on Christmas morning, opened the envelope, "What is it?" "Ooh, it's a ticket.
" "Is it Lady Gaga?" "Is it Katy Perry?!" "Is it Rod Stewart?" "Naw, it's Still Game.
" "Ohh" "But are they good seats?" "Not particularly, no.
" "Are we inside the building?" "Very nearly.
" Och, Rod Stewart.
For the price of that ticket, you only get one auld pensioner.
Aye.
But for the price of yer ticket tonight, you get the whole gang! AUDIENCE CHEERS Look at this, Jack.
eh? Winston! What the hell happened to your leg? Well! I was talking to His leg's at the bottom of the canal.
What? Aye.
He wis talkin' tae Andy Kinnoborough and his dug started pishin' up against his Isa.
Pause.
Sky Plus.
Episode delete? No, no, no.
SERIES delete.
Shut up! Here, boyshave you seen this? Ach, about 50 bloody times.
The electronic luxury leg.
You're always poring over that.
I'm surprised the pages arenae stuck thegither.
Did ye see the price? I mean, 250,000! For Christ's sake, Winston, gie it a rest.
Ye've gotta live in the real world.
This is Craiglang.
Of course you'd like a Steve Austin bionic leg.
I'd like a Ferrari.
Jack here would like to go to Canada to see Fiona renewing her vows.
Aye.
Boabby here would love an extra two inches on his cock.
Hah! Giving him the grand total of four! JACK CHUCKLES It's never gonnae happen.
Aye! Daft wee four inch cock, that's a cracker.
Dear, oh, dear.
Is that true, Jack? Fiona renewing her vows? It is, aye.
That's right.
That's nice.
Aye, it is nice, thank you.
How is she? She's fine, thanks for asking, Boabby.
She happy? Yes, she's very happy, Boabby.
Tell her I'm asking for her.
Victor Mm-mm-mm.
Isa, unpause.
Oh, Jesus.
Well Isa.
Come you wi' me.
For God's sake.
Once in your life, do the right thing.
Not a word.
But it's a good story, Victor! So's the Titanic, and we know how that ended.
I just Shtoom! I'm Silencio! Just Clamptatum Non Chattium.
Two whiskies, Boabby.
Oh, aye, what's this? Oh Don't concern yourself.
This is the future.
Which is something you don't have much of.
Cos you'll be deid soon.
Shut up.
We know fine well what that is.
Oh-ho! This'll be good, eh? Right, boys, the flair's yours.
What is it? They call 'em Er, it's You know.
It's Oh, gie us peace, de yous think we're daft? I don't know.
But we're aboot tae find out! Well, what is it? What is it ye think that is? I don't know - is it a phone? Naw.
I think it's too big to be a phone.
Maybe it's a television.
A television? Quickly! I'm gonnae have to hurry you Let's go for TV.
Aye, OK.
OK.
Ooh, naw! I know what it is, I've remembered.
I saw it on breakfast TV wi' what d'ye call her - Lorraine Kelly.
And she called it, er What was it again? A fudge.
A fudge? I'm gonnae need an answer! What happens is, when it's all cloudy, you've tae pull out all your plugs, and all your information goes doon into your fudge.
Fudge.
Go get 'em, Jack.
That's my mate.
It's a fudge.
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER TABLET! I meant tablet! Oh Jack! Too late! I have to accept your first answer.
You said this was a bar of fudge! I meant tablet! I got confused! Oh, that's too good! Fudge, be Christ! The iFudge! Isa Isa, get back here noo! Isa! You can shut up, ye bastarts.
Oh, no, no, no.
Let me have my moment.
Fudge! Ah, ye've gotta gie 'em that, boys.
Ye've been toed tight in the baws.
Aye, well, piss taking aside, what does it actually dae? Yous are dinosaurs.
See, this is a game changer.
Look SHUTTER CLICKS That's me taking a photie.
That's called a selfie.
Aye.
See, when I was young, a selfie meant something different back then, you know? I would have two or three selfies a day sometimes.
I had that many selfies wan night I passed oot.
PHONE RINGS Oh, that's me Oh Hello? Hello, Frances, darling.
Yes, yes, I'm in Navid's.
You're in Navid's.
THEY CHUCKLE Busted.
Right, I'll be there shortly.
OK.
Since when did you get a phone? Shut up, ye old duffer.
You're still communicatin' using smoke signals frae yer pipe! You're too tight to buy phone, Tam Mullen.
Correct.
I found it on the bus.
Would I be able to watch a movie on this, Boabby? Certainly, Winston.
Fire in.
Oh, here, look at that.
A picture hoose in yer haun.
You were right, Boabby son.
THEY are the Flintstones.
WE are the Jetsons! THEY CHUCKLE What film are you gonnae watch on it? My Left Foot? Footloose! Silence of the Limbs.
Das Boot.
No - Schindler's Limp.
Oh, we have a winner! Aye, aye, very good.
Get it up yous! Oh, come on, noo Naw.
No, ye took the piss.
Bite ma shite.
Hey-ho, Navid.
Gentlemen.
What can I do you for? Wait a minute! I've got a call coming in on my iPad! Oh, ya HE CACKLES Oh, no, hold on - it was my iPad mini! Isa, you bastart.
I'm sorry, boys, it was too good no' to share.
See these iPads, that no' for the likes of me and Jack.
They're for the young team.
No, they're no'.
They're for everyone.
I use mine so my customers can online shop here.
I can even speak to my brother in India.
India! Wow.
What's online shop? It is using the router to get Wi-Fi which is connected via the Ethernet.
ISA CHUCKLES Look at their glaikit faces! They're like Jedward on Mastermind.
THEY LAUGH What's Facetime? Facetime.
Eh? They see me, I see them.
Aye, Boabby's got one of them.
Mm.
They ask me what they want, I prepare it for them, they come and pick it up.
You have to embrace technology, gentlemen, eh? Progress cannot be made by simply standing still.
Aye, aye, well, quit the sermon.
Has Winston been through here? Aye, aye.
His face was trippin' him.
Why? Och, well, he was in the Clansman and he was using one o' they things you've got, one of they pads Boabby's got, to watch movies.
And we were takin' the mickey oot o' him, weren't we? Aye.
Taking the piss wi' movie names aimed at him having the one leg.
It was good! Example? Er, the Good the Bad and the Wobbly.
Aye.
One Shoe Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
JACK CHUCKLES Right, right.
So you think this is a bit of sport, huh? Reducing a once able-bodied, spirited man like Winston to comedy movie titles? No Well, it was pretty funny at the time Losing a limb, for a man like Winston, is like cutting the penis from a tiger and throwing it onto the fire! That's like somebody I knew.
You know somebody who threw their cock onto a fire? Naw! Partick McCallum.
Partick? Do you mean Patrick? Naw, Partick.
Who in the name of Christ calls their wean Partick? It was a nickname.
What was his real name? John.
How does John become Partick? Well He wis always pawnin' his suit, so they called him Suits McCallum.
Then it was Suits and Boots.
Then they drapped the suits bit and it was just Boots McCallum, until he kicked his next door neighbour's cat, then it was Boots the Cat.
Then they drapped the Boots bit, and was just Cat.
Until he got a promotion at Beatties' Bakery, when he became the boss, and then it was Boss Cat.
And then Boss became Partick Cross, and then just Partick.
And that's how he got his name.
APPLAUSE Jesus Christ Almighty, Isa, why didn't you just tell us at the beginning this fella was fae Partick? He wisnae, he wis fae Paisley.
What aboot Partick fae Paisley?! Well, folk was always taking the mickey oot ae him.
Taking the mickey about what, woman?! He had one eye bigger than the other.
No' just a wee bit bigger, but a helluva lot bigger, like it was magnified! It was like Sherlock Holmes was lookin' at ye! And his nickname was Partick? Why didn't they just call him Big Eye McCallum? Or Eyeball? Or Cyclops? Because that would have been horrible.
Aye, well, even though my beard grew three inches listening to that turgid tale, Isa's right.
Go and find Winston.
Apologise to the poor auld bugger.
Aye.
We've went in too heavy on the leg.
Aye.
We've committed a foul.
The old studs showing.
We'll go the morning first thing and we'll apologise.
Aye, OK.
Actually, you know what? I think we can go one better than that.
See Shug, Navid? Does he come on that Padlet thing to get his virtual messages? Aye, aye.
That's his shopping there, in fact.
Well, can you get him up on it? Me and Victor want tae give him a facial.
LAUGHTER Aye, but I think you mean facetime.
Eh? A facial is something different altogether.
Aye, well, whatever, get him up on it.
Hello, Shug.
Your messages are ready.
Righto, Navid.
Jack and Victor want a word with you.
Hello, Jack! Hello, Victor! HELLO, SHUG! WE ARE IN NAVID'S AND CAN SEE YOU! What are you shouting for? Look at his lugs, He's hardly deaf! Hello, there, Shug.
Sorry to bother you, this won't take long, over.
"Over?" You're not on a walkie talkie in Dad's Army.
Shug, what's that you're doing? I'm fishing.
I don't use a rod, but.
Not when you've got these bad boys.
I can hear the fish coming up, see! I'll tell ye what it is.
Winston's seen a thing in a magazine, an electronic leg affair.
It's from America, it costs a fortune.
Could you build a thing like that? I could probably give ye a version of it.
You know me, I like a project.
How long would it be? The same length as the other leg.
No, Shug.
How long would it take? Oh! Give me a couple of days.
Right, good.
But not a word, mind.
It's a big surprise, know what I mean? I can keep a secret.
Who do you think I am, that daft old gasbag Isa? I'm standing beside them, Shug.
Ope! Hello Isa! So, here's the thing Sh! WATER SPLASHES Dinner! Marvellous, isn't it? That is fantastic, that thing.
Aye, aye.
This is what sets you two apart.
You are going one better than an apology.
You are making up for your bad comedy movie title behaviour.
Gentlemen, well done.
Aye, thanks.
See you later, Navid.
Isa, Winston's leg, I've got a belter.
Beverly Hills Hop.
It's beautiful out there.
Peaceful.
Serene, almost.
I love a quiet start to the day.
Me an' all.
Had your breakfast? Aye.
What did you have? Porridge.
You? Aye, I had porridge.
Cannae whack it.
Not the way I take it, anyway.
Shut up, don't start all that.
I'm surprised you've got any teeth left in your head, the amount of sugar you take in your porridge.
I'm surprised you're not on the floor taking a heart attack, the amount of salt you take on yours.
That's a very English thing, that, taking sugar on your porridge.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
It's very English indeed, the sugar.
I see your line, fisherman, with its shiny lure, but it shall remain untaken.
Unbit.
For I shall swim past it.
Yes, very English, the sugar.
Where as WE, the Scots, were afforded no such luxury.
We had to take salt, of all things in our porridge, and we grew to like it.
Why? Because we had to.
AUDIENCE CHEER Jack what are we doing, sitting here first thing in the morning, narking at one another? Sorry.
I think it's just cos I'm missing ma Fiona, to be honest.
I wish to Christ she was renewing her vows here.
I know, I know.
Couldnae go the first time, could you? No.
That was just after Jean had died.
They were the dark days.
Right.
Here, Jack.
Jack, wait a minute, wait a minute, What if you could be there, without leaving Craiglang? Be where? Canada! Have you took too many of your sore back tablets? No.
Technology.
It's all around us.
That electric pad Navid and Boabby showed us.
We spoke to Shug on it.
Navid speaks to his brother.
Aye, in India.
Well, India's further away than Canada, Jack.
So you're saying I could see her, on one of they things, on the day as if I was actually there? That's fantastic! You can do a damn sight more than that.
You can give her away.
Say a few words.
Like a speech.
Aye.
That's like bloody Star Trek! Aye, Star Trek.
Now, beam us up a cup of tea, and a couple of biscuits, Scotty! Scotty, now, is it? Aye.
The wee growly engineer, down in the basement, pressing all the buttons! Captain, the ship can't take it any more So that makes you the Captain? Picard.
Who's an Englishman! Oh, ya bastard! Right.
I'll give ye that.
Scrap the tea and biscuits.
Winston's.
Warp Factor Six.
Yes.
What youse wantin'? To apologise.
What for? All that shite about your leg down the Clansman yesterday.
Doesnae matter.
Got more tae annoy me.
Like what? I'll tell you like what.
I've phoned the Royal Infirmary.
The lassie's after telling me it'll be three weeks before I get a new leg.
So I gie'd her plenty down the phone, and slammed it down.
And I went and got roaring drunk, decided I would go down to the canal and try and fish my leg out wi' ma crutches.
What happened? Ma crutches are lying at the bottom of the canal as well, now.
LAUGHTER Both of them.
That bastardin' canal is swallowing me one bit at a time.
So how did you get up the road? Isa gie'd me a backie.
LAUGHTER All the way from the canal? Aye.
And talkin' the whole time! What the hell about? I've got no idea.
I wasn't listening.
I was pished.
I sang all the way home.
Snapped your brush? What was that with, temper? No.
I've tried to make a new leg.
Soon as I put my weight on it, it snapped.
Listen, Winston.
We've set a wee thing in motion that we think is going to sort your problems out.
Oh, aye, what's that? Oh, no - it's a surprise.
A good thing.
But know this.
All that shite about your leg - we're done with it.
It won't happen again.
Never.
Never.
Ah, well, that's good, boys.
I appreciate that.
Cos I'm at the end of my tether, I really am LAUGHTER HE TRIES NOT TO LAUGH BOTH TRY TO HIDE THEIR LAUGHTER Jesus Christ, Jack I cannae resist! Resist, resist! We promised.
Look at yous.
An open goal.
Yer arseholes are twitching like rabbits' noses to get stuck in.
Well, fill your boots.
No, no, no.
We're men of our word.
Can you walk wi' that thing? Aye.
Well, come down the Clansman with us and we'll get you a pint.
That'll cheer you up.
That will be right.
Standing' in the Clansman wi' a ukulele for a leg.
"You're walkin' funny, Winston - have ye snapped a ham-STRING!" No, no.
That'll happen if ye go down there in those stupid shorts.
Put some trousers on and fire a shoe on the end of the ukulele and they'll be none the wiser, Winston! Do you think? Aye.
Aye, all right, aye.
I'll do that.
I might even have a pie.
Aye, a pint of lager and a pie.
Down the Clansman.
Cannae go twang wi' that! What do you want? Wee goldie.
Two goldies, Boabby, and stick a pint of lager up for Winston.
I've got your lager, Win He's no' there, Jack.
Winston come on in and stop being stupid.
STRING TWANGS LAUGHTER STRING TWANGS STRINGS PLAY A TUNE LAUGHTER Change this £20 for the puggy, please, Boabby? Aye.
That's 15 and 5 nuggets.
Thanking you.
Och.
What am I like? I've got a pocketful of change here! Stupid.
Tell ye what.
Here's your five back, here's your five nuggets, I'll take a tenner.
Right.
Hold on, Tam.
You've given me a fiver and four nuggets.
Oh, sorry.
Is that the best ye can do, Tam? Is that all you've learned from watching your con programmes? How to try and short-change me a nugget? I tell you what.
I don't need your change.
There's your nugget, that's your tenner.
I'll take back my 20.
Gladly.
Freeze.
That really was a pleasure to watch, wasn't it, Victor? Yes, indeed, Jack.
Breathtaking.
But you'll not know what happened there.
That's because you were watching a master craftsman at work.
Because we're at the Hydro, we can rewind and replay what this sleekit bastard has actually done.
Rewind.
BOABBY AND TAM TALK BACKWARDS And slow-mo.
EXTRA-SLOW: You know what, I don't need your change.
Here's your nugget, that's your tenner, I'll take back my 20.
And freeze.
What's actually happened is - Tam's come in here with 20 and he's now got £10 off Boabby, giving him a total of £30.
Tam has bamboozled Boabby by gettin' him tae do two things at the one time! And everybody knows that two things at the one time is beyond Boabby! Because Boabby is a wanker.
STRINGS TWANG STRINGS PLAY A TUNE Stunning! And now the coin drops! MUSIC: How Long Has This Been Going On How? But When? Now some of you will have watched that and still don't know what happened.
Well tough titty.
Yes.
RINGTONE That's Shug calling.
SHUG: Boabby, is Jack and Victor there? Jack.
Victor.
Shug.
Hello, Shug! Me and Victor are here but Winston is here also.
Oh, right! So, this call is to provide an update on project Heather McCartney.
Delivery will take place tomorrow at 1700 GM when Juno and Vauxhall will meet with Shergar to receive Fatboy.
Right you are.
Juno and Vauxhall signing off.
Let us know when the leg's ready, Shug.
Sh! You stupid! What? What was all that about? Nothin' at all.
Nothin' at all.
Boabby, we've a favour tae ask ye.
Uh-huh.
Can we get a loan of that PadI? I Thanks.
Pad.
It's iPad.
No.
I'm no givin' ye a loan of it cos ye don't even know what it's called.
We're only needin' to borrow it for two hours.
Jack.
You and Victor are that auld and decrepit you'd have it dropped, smashed and in the pail in minutes.
If Apple wanted pensioners to use the iPad they'd put wee handles on it.
No.
Come on, I'm desperate to see my Fiona renewing her vows in Toronto.
It's on Saturday.
We've covered this.
An iPad's beyond yous.
Boabby, you don't understand.
We're trying to keep up wi' ye.
Wi' all the new things.
We just thought, with that thing, he could see Fiona.
And Fiona could see him on her big day.
He couldn't go the first time, Jean had just died.
Do you know how to work it? Boabby, yesterday we thought it was fudge.
Couple of old duffers.
When is this, Saturday? Aye.
Saturday, six o'clock.
Their time or our time? Their time.
Right, so what does that make that our time? They're five hours behind.
So what does that make that our time? Who gets married at four in the morning? Boabby, they're five hours BEHIND us.
Wait.
What time is it? Eight o'clock.
So the wedding's at 3? Where are you getting 3 from? You said 8 o'clock.
8 minus 5 equals 3.
No, it's eight the now.
I don't care what time it is the now! Shoutin'.
- When's the weddin'? - Saturday.
- WHAT TIME ON SATURDAY? - Six o'clock! What is it you're no understanding? - Six o'clock our time or their time? - Their time.
Right.
So six plus five ALL: 11.
'Sake, Boabby, ya brainless bastard, it's no an iPad you're needing - it's an extra set of fingers.
And he wonders how I took a tenner off him! What? Nothin'.
No' givin' ye a loan of the iPad But if ye want, I will keep the bar open for you on Saturday so you can come and use it and do your Fiona thing.
Hey, Boabby.
Thanks very much.
No worries.
It'll be nice to talk to Fiona again anyway! You'll no' be talking to my Fiona.
You'll be busy pulling pints or banging the fist on the top of that keech box microwave to fart out another half-cooked pie.
But you will not be talking to my Fiona.
Right? Right.
Talk to her! Right, you - come here.
What is going on there? What? That whole Jack, Boabby, Fiona verbal Bermuda triangle, what's happening? I've no idea! Pish! You're the puggy that always pays out.
Come on.
Get it telt.
No.
I don't think so.
Ordinarily, I wouldnae be able tae hold a secret.
I'd have that spread quicker than crabs in a whorehouse! LAUGHTER But I have discovered a pleasure unknown tae me till now.
The pleasure of you no' knowin'.
Oh, aye! You and me are one and the same.
Like mirror and reflection.
Peas in a pod.
Aye.
Maybe you're right, Isa.
Maybe we're made for each other.
WOLF WHISTLES Isa, you complete me.
Eh? Tell me what went on between Boabby and Fiona, ya tight-lipped bastard! Aaaagh! Ma only foot! Ten for effort, Winston! Ten for effort! I coulda slipped you the tongue there! Pete the Jakey's got more chance of slippin' me the tongue.
Ya filthy pig, you! A wedding? Right here in the Clansman! Will they be able to see us an' all? Oh, aye.
Aye, love.
And the best of it is we don't have to be there.
That means ye don't have tae buy anybody a drink! On that subject, Tam.
That shit you pulled earlier.
I don't know what happened there but my arse is sore so I do know I've been pumped.
LAUGHTER So let me say this to you, in front of everybody here.
Enjoy that pint.
Because that is the last pint you con out of me.
Don't flatter yourself, Boabby.
I've got bigger fish to fry.
I merely use you for training.
A medicine ball.
A skipping rope.
A punch bag, if you will.
What you on about? I'm moving on up.
From the pub league to the Premiership.
That's rugby! Sssh, Jack.
Sorry.
Let me tell you this.
Yesterday, in the chip shop, I witnessed a man consume an entire meal for free.
Why? Because that man was a priest.
And because of that, the boy behind the counter couldnae bring himself to charge him.
I had an epiphany.
For what is a priest? Many things I proffer you would answer.
A holy man.
A celestial guide.
A conduit to divine converse.
But not to me.
To me, he is merely a black shirt and a wee bit of white cardboard.
Both of which, I've got in the house.
You're no' going to impersonate a priest? You should be ashamed of yourself, Tam Mullan.
Father Mullan.
LAUGHTER You do what you've got to do, Tam.
Because you're done here.
No more fleecin'.
My guard is up.
The shutters are down.
The saloon is now closed.
DRAMATIC MUSIC I'll pray for this town! THUNDER This Boabby is not for pumping! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER I'll let you go, then.
That's lovely.
All right, darling.
Speak to you soon.
All the best.
Cheery-bye-bye.
That you sorted, aye, Jack? Aye.
Clockwork.
I give her away at 11, then at 12 I make a speech.
They'll be able to see me on the Paddy Power as if I'm actually there! Aye.
Amazing, in't it? Listen, I've been doing some thinking, Jack.
See on the big night Aye.
you cannae be drinking.
Oh, no, no, not a drop.
No, no.
That is all fine and dandy for you, isn't it? You are on Tennent's and I'm on Tizer! No, no, I will be looking after you.
I see myself as the best man in this situation.
I'll go sober with you.
That's good of you.
Two of us on the one wagon.
Aye, good.
Me with a hip flask.
Just winding you up, Jack.
Give us your speech.
OK.
"Tony, you've been my son-in-law for many, many years" Cut.
What? I'm not feelin' that, Jack.
You've got to give it more gusto.
That was very flat.
I'll flatten your nose in a minute! You're supposed tae be the best man here, no' the bastardin' director.
"Cut"! Alfred Bitchcock! Well, excuse me, Robert De Nearly! Fine, well.
Right, well, go well.
Action.
"Tony, you have been my son-in-law for many years "and indeed you've been a smashing provider to my Fiona and, indeed, grandweans.
"But because I wasn't at your wedding first time, I didn't get "the chance to say, that if at ever I should find out "that you have lifted your hands to ma Fiona or indeed the grandweans, "you will be hammered, you'll be getting kneecapped.
I will f" Whoa! MEENA: Navid? TRANSLATION: What dress? The only thing you'll be zipping up tonight is your onesie when you get home late from your shift here.
You're stuck behind the beaded curtain - best place for you.
Bun.
Isa, come and eat something.
Line your stomach.
Navid, I've telt ye before.
I don't want tae fall out or offend ye, but with the greatest respect, I wouldnae eat your value muck.
But Isa, if you don't eat something, you'll be pished after one sherry.
I WILL eat something.
I've got some mushroom soup in there I've made.
I picked the mushrooms myself.
Hey-ho.
Hey-ho.
I cannae go.
How no? You go.
We're gonnae go.
I know.
Are you no? No.
Let us guess.
Is it the leg? Aw, have ye gie'd up the ukulele? Shut up.
Aye.
It was killing me.
Well, you might change your mind, Winston, when you see what we got Shug tae build ye! Oh, aye? What's that? AUDIENCE OOHS AND WHISTLES Oh, my giddy aunt! Eh? How about that? That's beautiful! We need to get it on ye.
Need to be careful.
It's easy - he's designed this Custom built.
Easy to wear.
Argh! Ah! Oh! Here, boys, this is unbelievable.
Look at that! It's got total balance.
I don't know what to say.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, listen, don't thank us.
Thank Shug.
Look at this! Watch this, look Careful! I'm all right, I'm all right.
Easy You look like the tin man out o' The Wizard of Oz when he first gets oiled! WINSTON LAUGHS # Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da # Da-da, da-da, da-da-da If I only had a pint! BOTH: # Da-da-da diddle-dee-da! # BOABBY: It's got mair lights on it than the puggy.
That's smashing! It's like Dr Who.
It's like a Dalek's leg.
Daleks don't have legs, ya dizzy bastard.
BOABBY: What is the deal wi' the lights, though, Winston? Dear, oh, dear - look at you, Boabby.
You're like Cro-Magnon Man.
This leg has got gigabytes, an internal driver.
It's got sensors.
It's got Blu-Loo.
Bluetooth, Jack.
What did I say? You said Blu-Loo.
What is that? That's the stuff you put in the cistern to make yer lavvy water blue.
Well, obviously, it's no' got that.
The point I'm trying to make is Shug's pimped that leg to the max.
Here, what's this? "Heid Butt Mentalintite?" No, no Oh, ha! "Heid Butt.
Mental, intit?" Aye.
That's good, that.
I brought that to keep us awake.
It's like an adrenaline shot to the heart.
Boof! - Right, who wants a drink? - Lager.
Sweet sherry, Boabby.
Two orange juice, Boabby.
Make that three.
Jesus Christ - I keep the pub open for ye and I'm no' selling any drink? Ye could have had this in a scout hall! Trying to keep a clear head, Boabby.
Fair enough, Jack.
It's all right, Jack - we'll get mingin' afterwards.
Honkin'.
Here, wait a minute.
Where's Tam? Jesus, Tam! Yer face! What's happened to you? Boabby, get him a drink! I don't want a drink.
I don't think I'd be able to keep it doon, to be honest.
What the hell's happened tae ye, Tam? - Was it the young team? - No, it was not the young team.
It happened in that chip shop.
Oh, you never done that priest thing, did ye? We telt ye that was a bad idea, Tam.
Somebody's lamped ye! Aye, I know! Och, I'll tell you.
I've dug oot a nice black shirt and I carefully cut out a bit of white cardboard in the hoose to make the dog collar.
And it looked good.
I felt the part.
In fact, when I sat doon at the table in the chip shop, the lassie said to me, "Good afternoon, Father.
" That was it, I was in.
The supper arrived, I droont it in salt and vinegar and mowed intae it, sharpish.
I fired the remaining chips ontae some bread and butter, scuttled that.
I managed to wring two full mugs of tea ootae the pot.
It's a smashing size pot you get in there Aye.
AND? Oh, aye - well, I finished, and I made the international sign for the bill.
"The bill?" The boy shook his heid - "No, Father.
No charge.
" No charge, Father? I've done it.
I've pulled it aff.
I'm seein masel' in all the fancy cafes of the world - Paris, London, Rome, eating gratis, buckshee.
All my life has been leading up to this.
All that stands between me and a lifetime of free scran is 12 lousy feet to the chip shop door.
So I make my way across the floor.
I'm two feet, TWO FEET fae freedom.
That's when the waitress starts goin' aff her heid and shouting, "Oh, come quickly, for God's sake, Father! "Mr Gallagher's had a heart attack!" JACK SNIGGERS Jack! Sorry.
His wife's there.
She looks up at me.
"Thank God you're here, Father! I know my Alec's not gonnae make it.
"Can ye gie him the last rites?" Last rites - I don't know anythin' aboot that.
I did see something on Columbo once so I've got a rough idea.
I kneel doon and off I goes.
"The Lord absolveth you of all sins" That's all I've got.
Noo, I'm ramblin'.
"The Holy Spirit will look after ye "and will hooketh ye up with yer auld pals in the heaven.
" I'm getting looked at funny.
I'm thinkin' to myself - "Latin! Naebody understands Latin!" Jesus Christ I know! I've went "Nomine Padre.
" Then I've went "Spirito Sancte.
" Then I've went "Domino Pizza.
" EVERYBODY BUT ISA LAUGHS That's when the collar pings open and the chip shop boy goes aff his nut and sets about me.
For yer collar pingin' open? That could happen to any priest! Ayebut the inside of every priest's collar doesnae say "Kellogg's"! THEY ALL LAUGH BOABBY: Tam, this one's on me.
You deserve that, right enough.
Thanks, Boabby, son.
You earned that, Tam, aye.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thanks for the free pint, Boabby.
Boot polish.
- Boom! - Ya bastard! Tam? Ye didnae dae the priest thing? A lot o' pish to rinse this daft prick.
EVERYBODY CLAPS Gie's the number, Jack.
Time to call Fiona.
Here we go, Jack.
Right.
Come on, noo.
Big, deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Ye nervous? A wee bit, aye - dawn of the new age, innit? It's like the moon landing all over again.
Did you know that there is mair technology in that iPad there than there was in all the computers in Houston for Apollo 11? Aye - that's if they went at all.
Eh? The moon landing.
Load o' pish.
Cannae survive on the moon.
Nae atmosphere.
Mair atmosphere on the moon than there is in the Clansman, Boabby.
THEY LAUGH That's them there.
Oh, here we go! Hi, Dad! Hello, darling.
Oh, my God! You look beautiful.
You look just like yer mother.
Welcome, Mr Jarvis.
You timed your arrival to perfection.
I was just about to ask the all-important question.
Who gives the hand of Fiona away today? ALL: This yin here! Be quiet! That's myself.
Jack Jarvis, esquire.
If any man can show any just cause why Fiona and Tony may not once again be lawfully joined together, let him now speak, or for ever hold his peace Always a tense moment, that one.
We now have the privilege of witnessing the continuation of a great and joyous union of not just a loving couple but of a family, including a proud father, watching from across the ocean, but very much here in spirit.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Aw! That's lovely, that.
There we go.
CHEERING See you in an hour, Dad! You will, darling, of course you will.
WINSTON: That was amazing! Well done, Jack.
Ye awright? Aye, I enjoyed that.
Listen, ye did her proud, OK? Well, speech in an hour.
Right - drinks! Yes, Boabby! Naw, naw, naw! For God's sake! Is this a Mormon wedding? We're no out the woods yet.
I need to be on my best behaviour.
Yeah.
Let me get the speech done in an hour, then we can get absolutely slakered, but until then, as far as the consumption of alcohol is concerned, can we show a bit of decorum? Exercise a wee bit of restraint? Well said, Jack.
CLOCK TICKS SLURRING: Shut up, Boabby! Just let him talk! I'm telling ye.
The Moon landing never happened.
It was aw' in a TV studio.
The spaceship was made oot o' Bacofoil.
Bacofoil That's 12 o'clock.
Come on, get it together! Jack's speech! Gottae do that speech.
Fiona! Get it done Get yer jacket sorted Hey, oh! OH! That toilet floor is absolutely disgusting! - It's swimming with urine! - Whit dirty bastard's done that? Me.
I missed the urinal and pished the floor.
Everyone went and got pished and I promised my Fiona I wouldnae dae that! Don't panic, Jack.
Have a couple of sausage rolls.
Stamp 'em in ye, that'll restore order and decorum.
I'm no' wanting a sausage roll, that's all shite fae Navid's! I'm gonnae have some soup.
It's mushroom soup, I made it masel'! For God's sake, Isa.
Look at the state of you.
Give that to me, eh? I wish I wisnae Muslim - then I could be pished as well and jabbering shite with all you bellends.
Bastard microwave, bloody buttons! MICROWAVE BEEPS, WINSTON'S LEG STAMPS TAM: Winston, come on! We need to sober up here.
- This is Jack's night.
- Aye.
Tam's right.
Best thing we can do is not be sittin' here, steamin'.
- Your leg's steamin'! - Eh? - Ahthat's boiling - OW! That's absolutely red hot! - What's caused that? - I dunno "THE FINAL COUNTDOWN" PLAYS BOABBY: That's Fiona callin'! She's on the iBall, hurry up! VICTOR SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY.
Sh, sh, sh! We soldiers, we soldierssh, sh! TAM FARTS I gambled and nearly lost, there! How's that for atmosphere? Fartin'.
Ya disgusting bastard! Oh! Is everything OK, Dad? Yes, everything's fine, apart from the bastardin' smell here.
Do you want me to get on with the speech, get it oot the road? Ladies and gentlemen, my father-in-law, Jack Jarvis, would like to now make a speech.
Right, Tony, this speech is gonnae last aboot as long as you're gonnae last in the bedroom department tonight.
That's a joke aboot premature ejaculation.
He told me to say it.
MICROWAVE BEEPS Don't do that in the camera, ya daftie! Argh! Here, somebody's gonnae have tae get Shug! Sh! Boabby! This soup is freezing! When are ye gonnae get that fixed, you wanker? Whoa! There's people at a wedding, wi' hats on, and you're shouting "WANKER!" Doin' a bloody thing, ya wanker.
I'm awful thirsty.
Here, Isa, drink this.
Oh, aye.
ELECTRICITY BUZZES Tell me aboot Boabby and Fiona, gonnae? BOABBY PUMPED FIONA! But then she chucked him.
And no' for another fella, but for a lassie she met at the university because she was experimenting.
Then Boabby phoned Fiona and asked tae meet up with the both of them.
Fiona thought he wanted to get back together whereas, in point of fact, he wanted to watch them doin' it.
Fiona's girlfriend knocked seven shades of shite oot o' Boabby, including heidbutting oot his front teeth! After that, she went to Canada, that's where she found love wi' Tony! Boabby's tap set are wallies! Heid Butt! Mental, intit? They've heard all that, you slabberin' all that, they've heard it over there! I'm sorry, hen! - You dirty bastard! - Jack's daughter?! There's the picture went.
Get her back, Boabby, come on and get her back.
TEARFULLY: I'd LOVE to get her back.
I WANT her back, Jack! SLURRING: That should be ME standing next to Fiona in Toronto.
No, you, Tony, you prick! We used to love each other, Fiona.
Do you remember the wee song I used to sing to you? You remember? # Fiona Jarvis # You're absolutely marvellous And you've got the sweetest titties in Craiglang You bastard, you! I'm sorry about that, Fiona.
NAVID: Shitty microwave.
BANGING ARRRGGGHHH! ELECTRICITY BUZZES BOABBY: Owwwwwwwww! I'm no' paying for that.
Shug can pay for that.
Jack, I'm sorry I said, "Wanker", butthere's no other way to describe youse.
Internationally humiliated, punched in the mooth, kicked in the tea towel holder, bar destroyed.
I'm SO glad I stayed open for youse.
Dad? Yes? We'll talk in the morning.
OK.
Finally! Ma mushroom soup.
I'm starving! ELECTRICITY BUZZES 'Eh? Where am I? 'I know what's happened.
'I've took a heart attack in the Clansman and I've keeled o'er.
'I'm deid.
'Oh, my 'Oh, naw' SITAR MUSIC PLAYS 'Oh! Oh, dear!' You are no deid, Isa.
And let me tell you why # You refused to eat my sausage roll # Instead you ate some soup # You picked the mushrooms by yourself # And now you're loop-de-loop! # If someone got as high as you # You'd be blabbing on the phone # But word is oot, you dozy boot # You're oot yer bastard dome! # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard dome # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard dome # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # Got to hand it to you, Isa, dear # With you, it's never dull # You rock star Craiglang pensioner # You're oot your bastard skull # You should have got your mushrooms # From my old corner shop # But you got them in the graveyard # You're out your bastard box! # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard box # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard box # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la La, la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la MEENA: Navid? Navid? Navid? Navid? # Navid, you are a monster # You keep me in my place # I'm here tonight to set things right # I want to show my face # NO! Listen to me, Meena # That's no use at all # Not seeing you's your gimmick # That would burst the bastard ball! # Burst the bastard Burst the bastard # Burst the bastard ball # Burst the bastard Burst the bastard # Burst the bastard ball La, la-la-la This is not for you to decide, you walloper! It's a decision for the people of Scotland! Take these arguments and end them! Let's have a referendum.
To the entire Scottish race - do you want to see my face? Hold the bus! You speak English? Not the tongue of our mother nation? Not a word.
But it's Isa's hallucination! Ask me properly, say, "We want to see your face.
" Do you want to see my face? AUDIENCE: YES! Do you want to see my face? AUDIENCE: YES! Do you want to see my face? AUDIENCE: YES! It's time to see my face! ELEPHANT TRUMPETS # Your mushroom trip is ending # You've came back from outer space # But I'll tell you something, Isa # You're still oot your bastard face # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard face # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard face La, la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la 'That's me comin' up, noo! Ah!' # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la La, la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la ELECTRONIC MUSIC STARTS PLAYING # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS # Spaceman # I always wanted you to go # Into space, man # Spaceman # I always wanted you to go Into space, man HISSING SOUND RADIO CRACKLES One small step for a one-legged man one giant leap for Craiglang! We're back! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING Good night! Good night!
CHEERING AND WHISTLING What is that bastartin' racket? Is there a fitba match on or something? Maybe something's happening at the Clansman, naebody's telt us.
Nah, Isa would've said something, surely.
Aye.
It'll be the young team on the spare grun.
They mutant weans.
Aye.
What did you say that for? What? When I came out the kitchen there, you said, "Hello, stranger.
" Och, you were away in there for bloody years, Jack.
Aye, well, I'm back now, so shut up.
Aye, good(!) What's this we're watching? Och, it's this shower of wankers live at some bastard arena, you know? They've no' performed together for years, they've settled their differences, and noo they're back! CHEERING Aye, see All they're doing is lining their bastarding pockets.
Aye, aye.
Back to wring the last bit of sweetness oot it for cold, hard cash, eh? They must think we're daft.
Only a mug would pay to see a bunch of pensioners LAUGHTER staggering aboot the stage, you know? Aye, wouldnae catch me coughin' up for that shite.
No.
Monty Python.
Pfft! Aye.
Bloody parrot sketch.
Ministry of silly walks.
Ministry of silly cocks, mair like it.
VICTOR CHUCKLES Eh? I like it, Jack.
Aye.
What's this, here? Oh, that's an invite.
Invite to what? Oh, my Fiona and Tony - that's them been married 20 years now.
Aye, they're gonnae renew their vows in Canada.
Canada! Aye.
Are we getting to go back to Canada? Och, no, it's non-starter.
She knows I'll not go for that, no.
Ach, you're probably right, Jack.
I couldnae dae that flight now, anyway.
The jet lag, the deep vein thrombosis.
The fact you werenae invited.
LAUGHTER See, there's that noise again.
It's like laughter and merriment coming oot the Clansman.
Aye.
Laughter and merriment are not two words I associate wi' the Clansman, Jack.
No.
Ah, it'll be the young team pissed up ootside Navid's.
Aye.
Full o' that Scadooba.
Aye.
Aye.
Parrot sketch.
Hmph! You see, that shit doesnae work, because you cannae put a television show on in a theatre.
Indeed you cannot.
Why not? Well, it's its ain wee world, a television show, intit? But in the theatre, live - the fourth wa', they call that.
The what wa'? The fourth wa'.
In the theatre, there isnae one.
What are you on about, Jack? I don't know.
Mm.
What I'm saying was, if this was a theatre, right? That wa' there wouldnae be there.
See if that door was to go just now Aye.
and I was to go and answer it Mm.
I wouldnae go and answer it like this No.
Aye? I'll tell you for why.
Because that would feel pig ignorant.
But if the door was to go the noo "Ding-dong!" I'd feel I'd want to answer it like this Have you had a stroke, Jack? Naw.
But if I was gonnae have one, I'd want to have one right here, you see? For who?! For them.
The weans outside Navid's? Naw.
The audience! The audience! There you are! AUDIENCE CHEERS Yas! Aye! Look at that! Did ye think we werenae gonnae talk to you? Naw.
That WOULD be pig ignorant.
Naw, what we've done is, we've fooled ye, ya shower of wankers.
Oh, Jack! Now, see these people down here, Victor? Aw these people here? Oh, these fine people here, yes.
Yes.
They are the diehards, they are the faithful.
The box set brigade, yes.
Oh, yes.
Soon as you all heard the show was happening, you got on the blower.
Yes.
And happy you were to hang on for nine hours only to be cut aff twice before you got some tickets.
Now, the people there Oh, you're confused, Jack.
That's not people.
No, they are people.
Surely not! They wee dots of people They wee dots of people, hello! Hello! There they are, aye.
They bastarts didnae want to come at all.
Naw.
No, no.
They got their tickets for their Christmas or some such.
Aye.
There they were on Christmas morning, opened the envelope, "What is it?" "Ooh, it's a ticket.
" "Is it Lady Gaga?" "Is it Katy Perry?!" "Is it Rod Stewart?" "Naw, it's Still Game.
" "Ohh" "But are they good seats?" "Not particularly, no.
" "Are we inside the building?" "Very nearly.
" Och, Rod Stewart.
For the price of that ticket, you only get one auld pensioner.
Aye.
But for the price of yer ticket tonight, you get the whole gang! AUDIENCE CHEERS Look at this, Jack.
eh? Winston! What the hell happened to your leg? Well! I was talking to His leg's at the bottom of the canal.
What? Aye.
He wis talkin' tae Andy Kinnoborough and his dug started pishin' up against his Isa.
Pause.
Sky Plus.
Episode delete? No, no, no.
SERIES delete.
Shut up! Here, boyshave you seen this? Ach, about 50 bloody times.
The electronic luxury leg.
You're always poring over that.
I'm surprised the pages arenae stuck thegither.
Did ye see the price? I mean, 250,000! For Christ's sake, Winston, gie it a rest.
Ye've gotta live in the real world.
This is Craiglang.
Of course you'd like a Steve Austin bionic leg.
I'd like a Ferrari.
Jack here would like to go to Canada to see Fiona renewing her vows.
Aye.
Boabby here would love an extra two inches on his cock.
Hah! Giving him the grand total of four! JACK CHUCKLES It's never gonnae happen.
Aye! Daft wee four inch cock, that's a cracker.
Dear, oh, dear.
Is that true, Jack? Fiona renewing her vows? It is, aye.
That's right.
That's nice.
Aye, it is nice, thank you.
How is she? She's fine, thanks for asking, Boabby.
She happy? Yes, she's very happy, Boabby.
Tell her I'm asking for her.
Victor Mm-mm-mm.
Isa, unpause.
Oh, Jesus.
Well Isa.
Come you wi' me.
For God's sake.
Once in your life, do the right thing.
Not a word.
But it's a good story, Victor! So's the Titanic, and we know how that ended.
I just Shtoom! I'm Silencio! Just Clamptatum Non Chattium.
Two whiskies, Boabby.
Oh, aye, what's this? Oh Don't concern yourself.
This is the future.
Which is something you don't have much of.
Cos you'll be deid soon.
Shut up.
We know fine well what that is.
Oh-ho! This'll be good, eh? Right, boys, the flair's yours.
What is it? They call 'em Er, it's You know.
It's Oh, gie us peace, de yous think we're daft? I don't know.
But we're aboot tae find out! Well, what is it? What is it ye think that is? I don't know - is it a phone? Naw.
I think it's too big to be a phone.
Maybe it's a television.
A television? Quickly! I'm gonnae have to hurry you Let's go for TV.
Aye, OK.
OK.
Ooh, naw! I know what it is, I've remembered.
I saw it on breakfast TV wi' what d'ye call her - Lorraine Kelly.
And she called it, er What was it again? A fudge.
A fudge? I'm gonnae need an answer! What happens is, when it's all cloudy, you've tae pull out all your plugs, and all your information goes doon into your fudge.
Fudge.
Go get 'em, Jack.
That's my mate.
It's a fudge.
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER TABLET! I meant tablet! Oh Jack! Too late! I have to accept your first answer.
You said this was a bar of fudge! I meant tablet! I got confused! Oh, that's too good! Fudge, be Christ! The iFudge! Isa Isa, get back here noo! Isa! You can shut up, ye bastarts.
Oh, no, no, no.
Let me have my moment.
Fudge! Ah, ye've gotta gie 'em that, boys.
Ye've been toed tight in the baws.
Aye, well, piss taking aside, what does it actually dae? Yous are dinosaurs.
See, this is a game changer.
Look SHUTTER CLICKS That's me taking a photie.
That's called a selfie.
Aye.
See, when I was young, a selfie meant something different back then, you know? I would have two or three selfies a day sometimes.
I had that many selfies wan night I passed oot.
PHONE RINGS Oh, that's me Oh Hello? Hello, Frances, darling.
Yes, yes, I'm in Navid's.
You're in Navid's.
THEY CHUCKLE Busted.
Right, I'll be there shortly.
OK.
Since when did you get a phone? Shut up, ye old duffer.
You're still communicatin' using smoke signals frae yer pipe! You're too tight to buy phone, Tam Mullen.
Correct.
I found it on the bus.
Would I be able to watch a movie on this, Boabby? Certainly, Winston.
Fire in.
Oh, here, look at that.
A picture hoose in yer haun.
You were right, Boabby son.
THEY are the Flintstones.
WE are the Jetsons! THEY CHUCKLE What film are you gonnae watch on it? My Left Foot? Footloose! Silence of the Limbs.
Das Boot.
No - Schindler's Limp.
Oh, we have a winner! Aye, aye, very good.
Get it up yous! Oh, come on, noo Naw.
No, ye took the piss.
Bite ma shite.
Hey-ho, Navid.
Gentlemen.
What can I do you for? Wait a minute! I've got a call coming in on my iPad! Oh, ya HE CACKLES Oh, no, hold on - it was my iPad mini! Isa, you bastart.
I'm sorry, boys, it was too good no' to share.
See these iPads, that no' for the likes of me and Jack.
They're for the young team.
No, they're no'.
They're for everyone.
I use mine so my customers can online shop here.
I can even speak to my brother in India.
India! Wow.
What's online shop? It is using the router to get Wi-Fi which is connected via the Ethernet.
ISA CHUCKLES Look at their glaikit faces! They're like Jedward on Mastermind.
THEY LAUGH What's Facetime? Facetime.
Eh? They see me, I see them.
Aye, Boabby's got one of them.
Mm.
They ask me what they want, I prepare it for them, they come and pick it up.
You have to embrace technology, gentlemen, eh? Progress cannot be made by simply standing still.
Aye, aye, well, quit the sermon.
Has Winston been through here? Aye, aye.
His face was trippin' him.
Why? Och, well, he was in the Clansman and he was using one o' they things you've got, one of they pads Boabby's got, to watch movies.
And we were takin' the mickey oot o' him, weren't we? Aye.
Taking the piss wi' movie names aimed at him having the one leg.
It was good! Example? Er, the Good the Bad and the Wobbly.
Aye.
One Shoe Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
JACK CHUCKLES Right, right.
So you think this is a bit of sport, huh? Reducing a once able-bodied, spirited man like Winston to comedy movie titles? No Well, it was pretty funny at the time Losing a limb, for a man like Winston, is like cutting the penis from a tiger and throwing it onto the fire! That's like somebody I knew.
You know somebody who threw their cock onto a fire? Naw! Partick McCallum.
Partick? Do you mean Patrick? Naw, Partick.
Who in the name of Christ calls their wean Partick? It was a nickname.
What was his real name? John.
How does John become Partick? Well He wis always pawnin' his suit, so they called him Suits McCallum.
Then it was Suits and Boots.
Then they drapped the suits bit and it was just Boots McCallum, until he kicked his next door neighbour's cat, then it was Boots the Cat.
Then they drapped the Boots bit, and was just Cat.
Until he got a promotion at Beatties' Bakery, when he became the boss, and then it was Boss Cat.
And then Boss became Partick Cross, and then just Partick.
And that's how he got his name.
APPLAUSE Jesus Christ Almighty, Isa, why didn't you just tell us at the beginning this fella was fae Partick? He wisnae, he wis fae Paisley.
What aboot Partick fae Paisley?! Well, folk was always taking the mickey oot ae him.
Taking the mickey about what, woman?! He had one eye bigger than the other.
No' just a wee bit bigger, but a helluva lot bigger, like it was magnified! It was like Sherlock Holmes was lookin' at ye! And his nickname was Partick? Why didn't they just call him Big Eye McCallum? Or Eyeball? Or Cyclops? Because that would have been horrible.
Aye, well, even though my beard grew three inches listening to that turgid tale, Isa's right.
Go and find Winston.
Apologise to the poor auld bugger.
Aye.
We've went in too heavy on the leg.
Aye.
We've committed a foul.
The old studs showing.
We'll go the morning first thing and we'll apologise.
Aye, OK.
Actually, you know what? I think we can go one better than that.
See Shug, Navid? Does he come on that Padlet thing to get his virtual messages? Aye, aye.
That's his shopping there, in fact.
Well, can you get him up on it? Me and Victor want tae give him a facial.
LAUGHTER Aye, but I think you mean facetime.
Eh? A facial is something different altogether.
Aye, well, whatever, get him up on it.
Hello, Shug.
Your messages are ready.
Righto, Navid.
Jack and Victor want a word with you.
Hello, Jack! Hello, Victor! HELLO, SHUG! WE ARE IN NAVID'S AND CAN SEE YOU! What are you shouting for? Look at his lugs, He's hardly deaf! Hello, there, Shug.
Sorry to bother you, this won't take long, over.
"Over?" You're not on a walkie talkie in Dad's Army.
Shug, what's that you're doing? I'm fishing.
I don't use a rod, but.
Not when you've got these bad boys.
I can hear the fish coming up, see! I'll tell ye what it is.
Winston's seen a thing in a magazine, an electronic leg affair.
It's from America, it costs a fortune.
Could you build a thing like that? I could probably give ye a version of it.
You know me, I like a project.
How long would it be? The same length as the other leg.
No, Shug.
How long would it take? Oh! Give me a couple of days.
Right, good.
But not a word, mind.
It's a big surprise, know what I mean? I can keep a secret.
Who do you think I am, that daft old gasbag Isa? I'm standing beside them, Shug.
Ope! Hello Isa! So, here's the thing Sh! WATER SPLASHES Dinner! Marvellous, isn't it? That is fantastic, that thing.
Aye, aye.
This is what sets you two apart.
You are going one better than an apology.
You are making up for your bad comedy movie title behaviour.
Gentlemen, well done.
Aye, thanks.
See you later, Navid.
Isa, Winston's leg, I've got a belter.
Beverly Hills Hop.
It's beautiful out there.
Peaceful.
Serene, almost.
I love a quiet start to the day.
Me an' all.
Had your breakfast? Aye.
What did you have? Porridge.
You? Aye, I had porridge.
Cannae whack it.
Not the way I take it, anyway.
Shut up, don't start all that.
I'm surprised you've got any teeth left in your head, the amount of sugar you take in your porridge.
I'm surprised you're not on the floor taking a heart attack, the amount of salt you take on yours.
That's a very English thing, that, taking sugar on your porridge.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
It's very English indeed, the sugar.
I see your line, fisherman, with its shiny lure, but it shall remain untaken.
Unbit.
For I shall swim past it.
Yes, very English, the sugar.
Where as WE, the Scots, were afforded no such luxury.
We had to take salt, of all things in our porridge, and we grew to like it.
Why? Because we had to.
AUDIENCE CHEER Jack what are we doing, sitting here first thing in the morning, narking at one another? Sorry.
I think it's just cos I'm missing ma Fiona, to be honest.
I wish to Christ she was renewing her vows here.
I know, I know.
Couldnae go the first time, could you? No.
That was just after Jean had died.
They were the dark days.
Right.
Here, Jack.
Jack, wait a minute, wait a minute, What if you could be there, without leaving Craiglang? Be where? Canada! Have you took too many of your sore back tablets? No.
Technology.
It's all around us.
That electric pad Navid and Boabby showed us.
We spoke to Shug on it.
Navid speaks to his brother.
Aye, in India.
Well, India's further away than Canada, Jack.
So you're saying I could see her, on one of they things, on the day as if I was actually there? That's fantastic! You can do a damn sight more than that.
You can give her away.
Say a few words.
Like a speech.
Aye.
That's like bloody Star Trek! Aye, Star Trek.
Now, beam us up a cup of tea, and a couple of biscuits, Scotty! Scotty, now, is it? Aye.
The wee growly engineer, down in the basement, pressing all the buttons! Captain, the ship can't take it any more So that makes you the Captain? Picard.
Who's an Englishman! Oh, ya bastard! Right.
I'll give ye that.
Scrap the tea and biscuits.
Winston's.
Warp Factor Six.
Yes.
What youse wantin'? To apologise.
What for? All that shite about your leg down the Clansman yesterday.
Doesnae matter.
Got more tae annoy me.
Like what? I'll tell you like what.
I've phoned the Royal Infirmary.
The lassie's after telling me it'll be three weeks before I get a new leg.
So I gie'd her plenty down the phone, and slammed it down.
And I went and got roaring drunk, decided I would go down to the canal and try and fish my leg out wi' ma crutches.
What happened? Ma crutches are lying at the bottom of the canal as well, now.
LAUGHTER Both of them.
That bastardin' canal is swallowing me one bit at a time.
So how did you get up the road? Isa gie'd me a backie.
LAUGHTER All the way from the canal? Aye.
And talkin' the whole time! What the hell about? I've got no idea.
I wasn't listening.
I was pished.
I sang all the way home.
Snapped your brush? What was that with, temper? No.
I've tried to make a new leg.
Soon as I put my weight on it, it snapped.
Listen, Winston.
We've set a wee thing in motion that we think is going to sort your problems out.
Oh, aye, what's that? Oh, no - it's a surprise.
A good thing.
But know this.
All that shite about your leg - we're done with it.
It won't happen again.
Never.
Never.
Ah, well, that's good, boys.
I appreciate that.
Cos I'm at the end of my tether, I really am LAUGHTER HE TRIES NOT TO LAUGH BOTH TRY TO HIDE THEIR LAUGHTER Jesus Christ, Jack I cannae resist! Resist, resist! We promised.
Look at yous.
An open goal.
Yer arseholes are twitching like rabbits' noses to get stuck in.
Well, fill your boots.
No, no, no.
We're men of our word.
Can you walk wi' that thing? Aye.
Well, come down the Clansman with us and we'll get you a pint.
That'll cheer you up.
That will be right.
Standing' in the Clansman wi' a ukulele for a leg.
"You're walkin' funny, Winston - have ye snapped a ham-STRING!" No, no.
That'll happen if ye go down there in those stupid shorts.
Put some trousers on and fire a shoe on the end of the ukulele and they'll be none the wiser, Winston! Do you think? Aye.
Aye, all right, aye.
I'll do that.
I might even have a pie.
Aye, a pint of lager and a pie.
Down the Clansman.
Cannae go twang wi' that! What do you want? Wee goldie.
Two goldies, Boabby, and stick a pint of lager up for Winston.
I've got your lager, Win He's no' there, Jack.
Winston come on in and stop being stupid.
STRING TWANGS LAUGHTER STRING TWANGS STRINGS PLAY A TUNE LAUGHTER Change this £20 for the puggy, please, Boabby? Aye.
That's 15 and 5 nuggets.
Thanking you.
Och.
What am I like? I've got a pocketful of change here! Stupid.
Tell ye what.
Here's your five back, here's your five nuggets, I'll take a tenner.
Right.
Hold on, Tam.
You've given me a fiver and four nuggets.
Oh, sorry.
Is that the best ye can do, Tam? Is that all you've learned from watching your con programmes? How to try and short-change me a nugget? I tell you what.
I don't need your change.
There's your nugget, that's your tenner.
I'll take back my 20.
Gladly.
Freeze.
That really was a pleasure to watch, wasn't it, Victor? Yes, indeed, Jack.
Breathtaking.
But you'll not know what happened there.
That's because you were watching a master craftsman at work.
Because we're at the Hydro, we can rewind and replay what this sleekit bastard has actually done.
Rewind.
BOABBY AND TAM TALK BACKWARDS And slow-mo.
EXTRA-SLOW: You know what, I don't need your change.
Here's your nugget, that's your tenner, I'll take back my 20.
And freeze.
What's actually happened is - Tam's come in here with 20 and he's now got £10 off Boabby, giving him a total of £30.
Tam has bamboozled Boabby by gettin' him tae do two things at the one time! And everybody knows that two things at the one time is beyond Boabby! Because Boabby is a wanker.
STRINGS TWANG STRINGS PLAY A TUNE Stunning! And now the coin drops! MUSIC: How Long Has This Been Going On How? But When? Now some of you will have watched that and still don't know what happened.
Well tough titty.
Yes.
RINGTONE That's Shug calling.
SHUG: Boabby, is Jack and Victor there? Jack.
Victor.
Shug.
Hello, Shug! Me and Victor are here but Winston is here also.
Oh, right! So, this call is to provide an update on project Heather McCartney.
Delivery will take place tomorrow at 1700 GM when Juno and Vauxhall will meet with Shergar to receive Fatboy.
Right you are.
Juno and Vauxhall signing off.
Let us know when the leg's ready, Shug.
Sh! You stupid! What? What was all that about? Nothin' at all.
Nothin' at all.
Boabby, we've a favour tae ask ye.
Uh-huh.
Can we get a loan of that PadI? I Thanks.
Pad.
It's iPad.
No.
I'm no givin' ye a loan of it cos ye don't even know what it's called.
We're only needin' to borrow it for two hours.
Jack.
You and Victor are that auld and decrepit you'd have it dropped, smashed and in the pail in minutes.
If Apple wanted pensioners to use the iPad they'd put wee handles on it.
No.
Come on, I'm desperate to see my Fiona renewing her vows in Toronto.
It's on Saturday.
We've covered this.
An iPad's beyond yous.
Boabby, you don't understand.
We're trying to keep up wi' ye.
Wi' all the new things.
We just thought, with that thing, he could see Fiona.
And Fiona could see him on her big day.
He couldn't go the first time, Jean had just died.
Do you know how to work it? Boabby, yesterday we thought it was fudge.
Couple of old duffers.
When is this, Saturday? Aye.
Saturday, six o'clock.
Their time or our time? Their time.
Right, so what does that make that our time? They're five hours behind.
So what does that make that our time? Who gets married at four in the morning? Boabby, they're five hours BEHIND us.
Wait.
What time is it? Eight o'clock.
So the wedding's at 3? Where are you getting 3 from? You said 8 o'clock.
8 minus 5 equals 3.
No, it's eight the now.
I don't care what time it is the now! Shoutin'.
- When's the weddin'? - Saturday.
- WHAT TIME ON SATURDAY? - Six o'clock! What is it you're no understanding? - Six o'clock our time or their time? - Their time.
Right.
So six plus five ALL: 11.
'Sake, Boabby, ya brainless bastard, it's no an iPad you're needing - it's an extra set of fingers.
And he wonders how I took a tenner off him! What? Nothin'.
No' givin' ye a loan of the iPad But if ye want, I will keep the bar open for you on Saturday so you can come and use it and do your Fiona thing.
Hey, Boabby.
Thanks very much.
No worries.
It'll be nice to talk to Fiona again anyway! You'll no' be talking to my Fiona.
You'll be busy pulling pints or banging the fist on the top of that keech box microwave to fart out another half-cooked pie.
But you will not be talking to my Fiona.
Right? Right.
Talk to her! Right, you - come here.
What is going on there? What? That whole Jack, Boabby, Fiona verbal Bermuda triangle, what's happening? I've no idea! Pish! You're the puggy that always pays out.
Come on.
Get it telt.
No.
I don't think so.
Ordinarily, I wouldnae be able tae hold a secret.
I'd have that spread quicker than crabs in a whorehouse! LAUGHTER But I have discovered a pleasure unknown tae me till now.
The pleasure of you no' knowin'.
Oh, aye! You and me are one and the same.
Like mirror and reflection.
Peas in a pod.
Aye.
Maybe you're right, Isa.
Maybe we're made for each other.
WOLF WHISTLES Isa, you complete me.
Eh? Tell me what went on between Boabby and Fiona, ya tight-lipped bastard! Aaaagh! Ma only foot! Ten for effort, Winston! Ten for effort! I coulda slipped you the tongue there! Pete the Jakey's got more chance of slippin' me the tongue.
Ya filthy pig, you! A wedding? Right here in the Clansman! Will they be able to see us an' all? Oh, aye.
Aye, love.
And the best of it is we don't have to be there.
That means ye don't have tae buy anybody a drink! On that subject, Tam.
That shit you pulled earlier.
I don't know what happened there but my arse is sore so I do know I've been pumped.
LAUGHTER So let me say this to you, in front of everybody here.
Enjoy that pint.
Because that is the last pint you con out of me.
Don't flatter yourself, Boabby.
I've got bigger fish to fry.
I merely use you for training.
A medicine ball.
A skipping rope.
A punch bag, if you will.
What you on about? I'm moving on up.
From the pub league to the Premiership.
That's rugby! Sssh, Jack.
Sorry.
Let me tell you this.
Yesterday, in the chip shop, I witnessed a man consume an entire meal for free.
Why? Because that man was a priest.
And because of that, the boy behind the counter couldnae bring himself to charge him.
I had an epiphany.
For what is a priest? Many things I proffer you would answer.
A holy man.
A celestial guide.
A conduit to divine converse.
But not to me.
To me, he is merely a black shirt and a wee bit of white cardboard.
Both of which, I've got in the house.
You're no' going to impersonate a priest? You should be ashamed of yourself, Tam Mullan.
Father Mullan.
LAUGHTER You do what you've got to do, Tam.
Because you're done here.
No more fleecin'.
My guard is up.
The shutters are down.
The saloon is now closed.
DRAMATIC MUSIC I'll pray for this town! THUNDER This Boabby is not for pumping! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER I'll let you go, then.
That's lovely.
All right, darling.
Speak to you soon.
All the best.
Cheery-bye-bye.
That you sorted, aye, Jack? Aye.
Clockwork.
I give her away at 11, then at 12 I make a speech.
They'll be able to see me on the Paddy Power as if I'm actually there! Aye.
Amazing, in't it? Listen, I've been doing some thinking, Jack.
See on the big night Aye.
you cannae be drinking.
Oh, no, no, not a drop.
No, no.
That is all fine and dandy for you, isn't it? You are on Tennent's and I'm on Tizer! No, no, I will be looking after you.
I see myself as the best man in this situation.
I'll go sober with you.
That's good of you.
Two of us on the one wagon.
Aye, good.
Me with a hip flask.
Just winding you up, Jack.
Give us your speech.
OK.
"Tony, you've been my son-in-law for many, many years" Cut.
What? I'm not feelin' that, Jack.
You've got to give it more gusto.
That was very flat.
I'll flatten your nose in a minute! You're supposed tae be the best man here, no' the bastardin' director.
"Cut"! Alfred Bitchcock! Well, excuse me, Robert De Nearly! Fine, well.
Right, well, go well.
Action.
"Tony, you have been my son-in-law for many years "and indeed you've been a smashing provider to my Fiona and, indeed, grandweans.
"But because I wasn't at your wedding first time, I didn't get "the chance to say, that if at ever I should find out "that you have lifted your hands to ma Fiona or indeed the grandweans, "you will be hammered, you'll be getting kneecapped.
I will f" Whoa! MEENA: Navid? TRANSLATION: What dress? The only thing you'll be zipping up tonight is your onesie when you get home late from your shift here.
You're stuck behind the beaded curtain - best place for you.
Bun.
Isa, come and eat something.
Line your stomach.
Navid, I've telt ye before.
I don't want tae fall out or offend ye, but with the greatest respect, I wouldnae eat your value muck.
But Isa, if you don't eat something, you'll be pished after one sherry.
I WILL eat something.
I've got some mushroom soup in there I've made.
I picked the mushrooms myself.
Hey-ho.
Hey-ho.
I cannae go.
How no? You go.
We're gonnae go.
I know.
Are you no? No.
Let us guess.
Is it the leg? Aw, have ye gie'd up the ukulele? Shut up.
Aye.
It was killing me.
Well, you might change your mind, Winston, when you see what we got Shug tae build ye! Oh, aye? What's that? AUDIENCE OOHS AND WHISTLES Oh, my giddy aunt! Eh? How about that? That's beautiful! We need to get it on ye.
Need to be careful.
It's easy - he's designed this Custom built.
Easy to wear.
Argh! Ah! Oh! Here, boys, this is unbelievable.
Look at that! It's got total balance.
I don't know what to say.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, listen, don't thank us.
Thank Shug.
Look at this! Watch this, look Careful! I'm all right, I'm all right.
Easy You look like the tin man out o' The Wizard of Oz when he first gets oiled! WINSTON LAUGHS # Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da # Da-da, da-da, da-da-da If I only had a pint! BOTH: # Da-da-da diddle-dee-da! # BOABBY: It's got mair lights on it than the puggy.
That's smashing! It's like Dr Who.
It's like a Dalek's leg.
Daleks don't have legs, ya dizzy bastard.
BOABBY: What is the deal wi' the lights, though, Winston? Dear, oh, dear - look at you, Boabby.
You're like Cro-Magnon Man.
This leg has got gigabytes, an internal driver.
It's got sensors.
It's got Blu-Loo.
Bluetooth, Jack.
What did I say? You said Blu-Loo.
What is that? That's the stuff you put in the cistern to make yer lavvy water blue.
Well, obviously, it's no' got that.
The point I'm trying to make is Shug's pimped that leg to the max.
Here, what's this? "Heid Butt Mentalintite?" No, no Oh, ha! "Heid Butt.
Mental, intit?" Aye.
That's good, that.
I brought that to keep us awake.
It's like an adrenaline shot to the heart.
Boof! - Right, who wants a drink? - Lager.
Sweet sherry, Boabby.
Two orange juice, Boabby.
Make that three.
Jesus Christ - I keep the pub open for ye and I'm no' selling any drink? Ye could have had this in a scout hall! Trying to keep a clear head, Boabby.
Fair enough, Jack.
It's all right, Jack - we'll get mingin' afterwards.
Honkin'.
Here, wait a minute.
Where's Tam? Jesus, Tam! Yer face! What's happened to you? Boabby, get him a drink! I don't want a drink.
I don't think I'd be able to keep it doon, to be honest.
What the hell's happened tae ye, Tam? - Was it the young team? - No, it was not the young team.
It happened in that chip shop.
Oh, you never done that priest thing, did ye? We telt ye that was a bad idea, Tam.
Somebody's lamped ye! Aye, I know! Och, I'll tell you.
I've dug oot a nice black shirt and I carefully cut out a bit of white cardboard in the hoose to make the dog collar.
And it looked good.
I felt the part.
In fact, when I sat doon at the table in the chip shop, the lassie said to me, "Good afternoon, Father.
" That was it, I was in.
The supper arrived, I droont it in salt and vinegar and mowed intae it, sharpish.
I fired the remaining chips ontae some bread and butter, scuttled that.
I managed to wring two full mugs of tea ootae the pot.
It's a smashing size pot you get in there Aye.
AND? Oh, aye - well, I finished, and I made the international sign for the bill.
"The bill?" The boy shook his heid - "No, Father.
No charge.
" No charge, Father? I've done it.
I've pulled it aff.
I'm seein masel' in all the fancy cafes of the world - Paris, London, Rome, eating gratis, buckshee.
All my life has been leading up to this.
All that stands between me and a lifetime of free scran is 12 lousy feet to the chip shop door.
So I make my way across the floor.
I'm two feet, TWO FEET fae freedom.
That's when the waitress starts goin' aff her heid and shouting, "Oh, come quickly, for God's sake, Father! "Mr Gallagher's had a heart attack!" JACK SNIGGERS Jack! Sorry.
His wife's there.
She looks up at me.
"Thank God you're here, Father! I know my Alec's not gonnae make it.
"Can ye gie him the last rites?" Last rites - I don't know anythin' aboot that.
I did see something on Columbo once so I've got a rough idea.
I kneel doon and off I goes.
"The Lord absolveth you of all sins" That's all I've got.
Noo, I'm ramblin'.
"The Holy Spirit will look after ye "and will hooketh ye up with yer auld pals in the heaven.
" I'm getting looked at funny.
I'm thinkin' to myself - "Latin! Naebody understands Latin!" Jesus Christ I know! I've went "Nomine Padre.
" Then I've went "Spirito Sancte.
" Then I've went "Domino Pizza.
" EVERYBODY BUT ISA LAUGHS That's when the collar pings open and the chip shop boy goes aff his nut and sets about me.
For yer collar pingin' open? That could happen to any priest! Ayebut the inside of every priest's collar doesnae say "Kellogg's"! THEY ALL LAUGH BOABBY: Tam, this one's on me.
You deserve that, right enough.
Thanks, Boabby, son.
You earned that, Tam, aye.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thanks for the free pint, Boabby.
Boot polish.
- Boom! - Ya bastard! Tam? Ye didnae dae the priest thing? A lot o' pish to rinse this daft prick.
EVERYBODY CLAPS Gie's the number, Jack.
Time to call Fiona.
Here we go, Jack.
Right.
Come on, noo.
Big, deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Ye nervous? A wee bit, aye - dawn of the new age, innit? It's like the moon landing all over again.
Did you know that there is mair technology in that iPad there than there was in all the computers in Houston for Apollo 11? Aye - that's if they went at all.
Eh? The moon landing.
Load o' pish.
Cannae survive on the moon.
Nae atmosphere.
Mair atmosphere on the moon than there is in the Clansman, Boabby.
THEY LAUGH That's them there.
Oh, here we go! Hi, Dad! Hello, darling.
Oh, my God! You look beautiful.
You look just like yer mother.
Welcome, Mr Jarvis.
You timed your arrival to perfection.
I was just about to ask the all-important question.
Who gives the hand of Fiona away today? ALL: This yin here! Be quiet! That's myself.
Jack Jarvis, esquire.
If any man can show any just cause why Fiona and Tony may not once again be lawfully joined together, let him now speak, or for ever hold his peace Always a tense moment, that one.
We now have the privilege of witnessing the continuation of a great and joyous union of not just a loving couple but of a family, including a proud father, watching from across the ocean, but very much here in spirit.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Aw! That's lovely, that.
There we go.
CHEERING See you in an hour, Dad! You will, darling, of course you will.
WINSTON: That was amazing! Well done, Jack.
Ye awright? Aye, I enjoyed that.
Listen, ye did her proud, OK? Well, speech in an hour.
Right - drinks! Yes, Boabby! Naw, naw, naw! For God's sake! Is this a Mormon wedding? We're no out the woods yet.
I need to be on my best behaviour.
Yeah.
Let me get the speech done in an hour, then we can get absolutely slakered, but until then, as far as the consumption of alcohol is concerned, can we show a bit of decorum? Exercise a wee bit of restraint? Well said, Jack.
CLOCK TICKS SLURRING: Shut up, Boabby! Just let him talk! I'm telling ye.
The Moon landing never happened.
It was aw' in a TV studio.
The spaceship was made oot o' Bacofoil.
Bacofoil That's 12 o'clock.
Come on, get it together! Jack's speech! Gottae do that speech.
Fiona! Get it done Get yer jacket sorted Hey, oh! OH! That toilet floor is absolutely disgusting! - It's swimming with urine! - Whit dirty bastard's done that? Me.
I missed the urinal and pished the floor.
Everyone went and got pished and I promised my Fiona I wouldnae dae that! Don't panic, Jack.
Have a couple of sausage rolls.
Stamp 'em in ye, that'll restore order and decorum.
I'm no' wanting a sausage roll, that's all shite fae Navid's! I'm gonnae have some soup.
It's mushroom soup, I made it masel'! For God's sake, Isa.
Look at the state of you.
Give that to me, eh? I wish I wisnae Muslim - then I could be pished as well and jabbering shite with all you bellends.
Bastard microwave, bloody buttons! MICROWAVE BEEPS, WINSTON'S LEG STAMPS TAM: Winston, come on! We need to sober up here.
- This is Jack's night.
- Aye.
Tam's right.
Best thing we can do is not be sittin' here, steamin'.
- Your leg's steamin'! - Eh? - Ahthat's boiling - OW! That's absolutely red hot! - What's caused that? - I dunno "THE FINAL COUNTDOWN" PLAYS BOABBY: That's Fiona callin'! She's on the iBall, hurry up! VICTOR SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY.
Sh, sh, sh! We soldiers, we soldierssh, sh! TAM FARTS I gambled and nearly lost, there! How's that for atmosphere? Fartin'.
Ya disgusting bastard! Oh! Is everything OK, Dad? Yes, everything's fine, apart from the bastardin' smell here.
Do you want me to get on with the speech, get it oot the road? Ladies and gentlemen, my father-in-law, Jack Jarvis, would like to now make a speech.
Right, Tony, this speech is gonnae last aboot as long as you're gonnae last in the bedroom department tonight.
That's a joke aboot premature ejaculation.
He told me to say it.
MICROWAVE BEEPS Don't do that in the camera, ya daftie! Argh! Here, somebody's gonnae have tae get Shug! Sh! Boabby! This soup is freezing! When are ye gonnae get that fixed, you wanker? Whoa! There's people at a wedding, wi' hats on, and you're shouting "WANKER!" Doin' a bloody thing, ya wanker.
I'm awful thirsty.
Here, Isa, drink this.
Oh, aye.
ELECTRICITY BUZZES Tell me aboot Boabby and Fiona, gonnae? BOABBY PUMPED FIONA! But then she chucked him.
And no' for another fella, but for a lassie she met at the university because she was experimenting.
Then Boabby phoned Fiona and asked tae meet up with the both of them.
Fiona thought he wanted to get back together whereas, in point of fact, he wanted to watch them doin' it.
Fiona's girlfriend knocked seven shades of shite oot o' Boabby, including heidbutting oot his front teeth! After that, she went to Canada, that's where she found love wi' Tony! Boabby's tap set are wallies! Heid Butt! Mental, intit? They've heard all that, you slabberin' all that, they've heard it over there! I'm sorry, hen! - You dirty bastard! - Jack's daughter?! There's the picture went.
Get her back, Boabby, come on and get her back.
TEARFULLY: I'd LOVE to get her back.
I WANT her back, Jack! SLURRING: That should be ME standing next to Fiona in Toronto.
No, you, Tony, you prick! We used to love each other, Fiona.
Do you remember the wee song I used to sing to you? You remember? # Fiona Jarvis # You're absolutely marvellous And you've got the sweetest titties in Craiglang You bastard, you! I'm sorry about that, Fiona.
NAVID: Shitty microwave.
BANGING ARRRGGGHHH! ELECTRICITY BUZZES BOABBY: Owwwwwwwww! I'm no' paying for that.
Shug can pay for that.
Jack, I'm sorry I said, "Wanker", butthere's no other way to describe youse.
Internationally humiliated, punched in the mooth, kicked in the tea towel holder, bar destroyed.
I'm SO glad I stayed open for youse.
Dad? Yes? We'll talk in the morning.
OK.
Finally! Ma mushroom soup.
I'm starving! ELECTRICITY BUZZES 'Eh? Where am I? 'I know what's happened.
'I've took a heart attack in the Clansman and I've keeled o'er.
'I'm deid.
'Oh, my 'Oh, naw' SITAR MUSIC PLAYS 'Oh! Oh, dear!' You are no deid, Isa.
And let me tell you why # You refused to eat my sausage roll # Instead you ate some soup # You picked the mushrooms by yourself # And now you're loop-de-loop! # If someone got as high as you # You'd be blabbing on the phone # But word is oot, you dozy boot # You're oot yer bastard dome! # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard dome # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard dome # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # Got to hand it to you, Isa, dear # With you, it's never dull # You rock star Craiglang pensioner # You're oot your bastard skull # You should have got your mushrooms # From my old corner shop # But you got them in the graveyard # You're out your bastard box! # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard box # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard box # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la La, la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la MEENA: Navid? Navid? Navid? Navid? # Navid, you are a monster # You keep me in my place # I'm here tonight to set things right # I want to show my face # NO! Listen to me, Meena # That's no use at all # Not seeing you's your gimmick # That would burst the bastard ball! # Burst the bastard Burst the bastard # Burst the bastard ball # Burst the bastard Burst the bastard # Burst the bastard ball La, la-la-la This is not for you to decide, you walloper! It's a decision for the people of Scotland! Take these arguments and end them! Let's have a referendum.
To the entire Scottish race - do you want to see my face? Hold the bus! You speak English? Not the tongue of our mother nation? Not a word.
But it's Isa's hallucination! Ask me properly, say, "We want to see your face.
" Do you want to see my face? AUDIENCE: YES! Do you want to see my face? AUDIENCE: YES! Do you want to see my face? AUDIENCE: YES! It's time to see my face! ELEPHANT TRUMPETS # Your mushroom trip is ending # You've came back from outer space # But I'll tell you something, Isa # You're still oot your bastard face # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard face # Oot yer bastard, oot yer bastard # Oot yer bastard face La, la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la 'That's me comin' up, noo! Ah!' # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la La, la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la ELECTRONIC MUSIC STARTS PLAYING # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS # Spaceman # I always wanted you to go # Into space, man # Spaceman # I always wanted you to go Into space, man HISSING SOUND RADIO CRACKLES One small step for a one-legged man one giant leap for Craiglang! We're back! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING Good night! Good night!