Still Game (2002) s07e03 Episode Script
Job
Right, who are we giving our possessions to today? I am not going into Age Aid.
That woman is a nightmare.
She's as deef as a post and a rude cow intae the bargain.
She blames ye cause she cannae hear ye.
Thinks ye'r mumblin'.
I had to shout at the top of my voice, "It's a jumper!" And The Home Start Trust, you can forget that because she is a snooty Nazi cow.
Rejecting stuff from yer bag.
Oh, aye, been there and done that.
"There's a pair of trousers for your charity, dear.
"Cheery bye!" "Hold your horses! "Have these trousers been laundered?" "Naw, hen.
Of course not.
"I took a dump in them this morning and just thought "I'll bring them up here, save me washing them!" "And if you hold the zipper up to yer beak "you'll detect the unmistakable whiff of pish.
"Get them washed, get them hung up "and get on with yer charity work, ya Hitler bastard.
" That's my wee stable all set out.
All powdered off with white pepper, delicious.
Oh.
Racing on.
You can shut up for a start.
You'll not be ruining my wee self-party with yer free boiler or accident that I havenae claimed for or yer, indeed your PPI pish.
And that goes for you an awe.
I'm not interested in you.
For you are a manila envelope, with a window in it, which I have no intention of keeking into.
No joy has ever come of your kind.
Oh, so it's the cat charity again, eh? Aye, where is that? Up there, sure.
Next to the sun tan place.
- The sun tan place? - Aye there.
- Browned Furra Pound.
- Ah.
So, what ye givin' them? Shirt.
Still in the wrapper.
John sent it over about ten Christmases ago.
It's no use.
It's too big.
It's enormous.
It's for a big bubble bodied fat fella.
171/2 collar.
That would do me.
And I love maroon.
Wish you health to wear it.
What've you got? Oh, aye, erm, this.
It's a monkey smoking a fag.
It's hideous, intit? I mean, what clown would gie ye that as a gift? - I got you that.
- Did ye? - Aye.
- Give it to me.
I'll take it.
If I'm honest I bought it fur myself but yer birthday rolled up.
Is that a tray? Aye.
It's got a map of Loch Lomond on it.
Oh, I love maps.
Haud the bus.
What are you gein' me for it? Recorder.
It's Fiona's.
She was right rotten at it.
- It's fae Alicante.
- You say Alicante.
I say Al-I-Can.
To me.
I'll get that learned.
A spoon? Uh-huh.
That's right.
Yes, it's for jam or sugar or salt, etc.
It's from Troon.
Oh, I see that.
And the stuff in the bags, is that for us? - No, no, no.
- No, no.
No, this is good stuff.
Na, it's just the spoon today.
So there ye have it.
The spoon for stirring tea or coffee or cod liver oil if you're not well.
I'm across how a spoon works.
The cats will be very grateful.
Are ye no wantin' it like? - Hi, Jack, Victor.
- Oh, hello, Mick.
You're no still living underneath that bridge are you? Aye.
Under the bridge.
Like a mad troll, man.
Oh, here, do you want a spoon? Oh, haud on, ya daftie.
You've offered a recovering junkie a spoon! - How no? - He'll use it for the junk! Oh, aye, eating a big jar of junk.
They don't eat junk oota jar, Jack.
They cook it on a spoon! Cookin' up junk on mah wee Troon spoon? Aye.
Listen son, you were gonna get a good spoon, but ye'r not gettin' it noo because of yer behaviour.
Nae danger, man.
Listen hen, put that away oot the road.
Safe.
Thank you.
Can I help you? - I'm wanting this suit.
- Uh-huh.
Thing is, it's six quid and I've only got two.
Will you take two? No.
Marvellous, eh? Charity begins at home.
It is a charity but it's also a business.
We sell things for charity.
The suit's six pounds.
Six pounds in our till is a big help.
Well, how about this then.
See if we buy something at four pound will you let him have that suit for two? - Yes.
- What have you got that's four quid? Four pound, please.
It's a multi-purpose spoon from Troon.
Ya bastard! Four a half grand? For a daft parking ticket.
What did ye dae, shoot a traffic warden? You don't even have a car.
Well, I did have a car.
For about a fortnight.
That's when I got the ticket.
It's just ran up and noo they're comin' efter me.
What are you gonnie dae? Well, the letter says, "If you are unable to pay, the council shall endeavour to recoup "the goods, chattel or possessions amounting to the recovery of the debt.
" Well, that'll be the first three quid paid back.
Och shoosh, that's not the thing.
I've got three weeks to pay or it's a custodial sentence.
- The jail? - The pokey? The bumhole buffet? That cannae be right.
It is right.
Read it and weep.
Wow, Winston, that letter is a downer.
However, this one is an upper.
My Invitation to receive the Glasgow Good Citizen Civic medal.
Oh, aye, for cooking Pete the Jakey's breakfast every morning, oot the goodness of your heart.
He doesnae have a heart.
Pipe doon.
"Why are you receiving this award? "Because you have exemplified a kindness "or selflessness" You're oot o' bog roll, Boabby.
Use newspaper, ya twat.
"In other words, your altruism and graciousness" Can I get another wee splash of Cola in there, Boabby? There's Cola in it already, ya greedy auld dick.
"has above and beyond, "marked you as a citizen of great standing" - Boabby, can I - No, you cannae, ya miserable ratbag.
"And for these esteemed qualities, we salute "and reward you.
" The Glasgow Good Citizen's Civic Medal? Are you sure it's not the Black Hearted Bawbag Barman Medallion? Or the Distinguished Doolally Dickpiece Deadbeat Decoration? Great, ah? I get a 4 and a half grand parking ticket and he gets a medal.
That's both stones firmly kicked.
Oh, and there's a plus one.
Who's comin' wi' me? Eh, oh, no, I'm washing my moustache that day.
I'm, er, I'm givin' him a hand.
What aboot you, Isa? Or are you busy washing your moustache? Erm Tell him your washing your beard.
Boabby, that would lovely, eh, but the thing is, eh Well? I canne go because you'll need someone to cover for you here at The Clansman! Well, otherwise that would have been lovely.
Boabby, I'll ignore the fact that you've asked everybody else, erm, but, can I put forward my case for being your plus one? Well, as you all know I've been in financial trouble myself a couple of times.
Gracious me, I am noo.
I'm what they call a borderline case.
Freddie Foodbank, if you will.
And it's for that reason that I appreciate the charity that you showed Pete.
You deserve that medal.
And I would be honoured to be there to see you receive it, because you are one hell of a fella, Boabby.
One hell of a fella.
Thanks, Winston.
I'd be delighted to have you there.
- Honoured to be there? - Uh-huh.
A helluva fella? A helluva gormless fella.
I've just got an invite to the inside of the City Chambers.
- Right.
- Where they have a lovely ballroom for awards upstairs And? And the fines and parking department doon stairs! Riddle me this, Batman.
Off you go, Alfred.
Who's Alfred? - The butler.
- Whose butler? Batman's butler! Na, I'm not a butler.
If ye'r not gonna go Alfred, the only other people you can be is Robin or Batgirl.
Well, I've neither the tights for Robin nor the tits for Batgirl.
No, I'm the Riddler.
So riddle me this! - Well, go wi' it! - The question I'm asking is, is Boabby an arsehole who became charitable, or is he a charitable man who masquerades as an arsehole? Ah.
Is he a benevolent man that covers it with a mask and cape of arseholiness? Exactly? Na.
I reckon he's a fully paid up card-carrying arsehole.
Aye, he's an arsehole.
Ye'r not the Riddler, ye'r the Penguin.
Oh, am I? Watch the tea, Jack.
Oh, Mick! Jack.
What can I do for you, son? I wanted to say thanks for giving us a dig oot with the suit.
Aye, nae problem son, aye aye Just oot of curiosity, what did you need the suit for? Ye'r not in trouble are ye? Na, quite the opposite.
I've got an interview for a job.
Oh, that's marvellous, eh.
Well, so you're wanted kitted oot? Suit, shirt, tie, shoes, the lot, eh? De ye think I'll need all that, it's only a daft office job.
Now listen to me ye young dumper.
You go for that interview, right, and then later on they say, "Who do we like for this?" And the gaffer pipes up, "I liked the boy that with the suit.
" But the assistant says, "Who was that wi' the suit?" He says, "The boy wi' the suit sure and the manky shirt "and the rotten flip flops.
"He's the boy for us.
" It's not gonna work son, is it? You don't need that other stuff.
"It is only with the heart we can see fully, "what is essential, is invisible to the eyes.
" Antoine de Saint-Exupery, 1940.
There or thereabouts.
Right.
What size are your shoes? - 10.
- Ah, you're pumped.
I'm a 12.
Ah, I'm a 9.
Haud on.
Two pair of socks and a pair of my shoes.
What about a pair of my Colin's, he's a ten? Have you still got some of Colin's stuff? Aye.
There's tons there.
It's been lyin' there since he went to the University.
I can gie ye shoes, shirt and a tie an awe! Well, there ye go.
That's smashin'.
Thanks, Isa.
What de ye think? You guys have got it good, living up here, wi' a talking letterbox that gies ye stuff? Eh? Mad hoose wi' a magic door.
Aye, it's pure Pixar, intit? It's a wummin.
Right.
Nice to meet ye, Missus.
For God's sake, this is oor neighbour, Isa.
Hello, son.
Noo, I've also got a nice overcoat there you could use, for if the weather's bad.
Thanks.
Haud on, but I might not need a coat.
What will the weather be like on Monday, magic door? Can you be quiet, please? This is a library.
Chattering away like a couple of budgies! I couldnae hear a thing.
Aye, well, they were deafening me! Noo, the way I see it, Winston, when I click on this button, I'll be an accessory, aiding and abetting ye.
I like a bet as well, Shug.
I'm always betting.
No, no, no.
Not betting, abetting.
Look, Shug.
This is an ancient lousy parking ticket that over the years has turned intae Bigfoot.
Ah.
We get in there, we find the cave where Bigfoot lives, "Oh, hello, ya big 4 and a half grand hairy Sasquatch "pain in the arse!" Blammo.
No' crime.
A hunt? That's right, Shug.
And what are we if not hunting men? And Sasquatch is the parking ticket.
- Yes! - Aye, OK.
Bingo.
- That's you.
- What am I looking at? Well, that's the original drawings for the City Chambers, 1885.
See, there's yer roof layout.
There's your ballroom, that's where you'll be.
Watching Boabby getting his stupid badge.
Aye well, you excuse yourself, you're, you're needing a pish or some such, cut through the kitchen, along the corridor.
The traffic fines office is behind that and that's where we need to be.
So what do we need? Torches, glass cutters? Possibly what, welding gear of some description? Gelignite? Will we need Jelly? The only jelly you'll be getting is after yer dinner, ya fat clown.
Cut down the fire stairs and let me in the back door.
4:30 on the button.
Boom.
Call me a fat clown.
Do you think there will be jelly? He's had a shower and everything.
Wait till you see him.
It wis very good of ye feeding the boy like that, Isa.
Sorry? I said, it wis very good of ye feeding the boy like that.
Do you know something Isa, that's probably that boy's first square meal in God knows how long.
- Good on ye.
- He's a lucky lad.
He's a lucky, lucky lad.
Aye well, he's welcome.
Right, yis ready? Oh, come on in, son.
Oh, the big reveal, eh! It's like one of them makeover shows! Whoa! Look at that! - Shining like a new penny.
- Aye.
You boy, are ready for that job interview.
Ooh! Oh, dear.
Good of you to see us at short notice like this Cammy.
No problem.
Not long now.
So operating out o' the hoose now, eh? Aye, since I got struck off.
You pull four teeth out the wrong person and everybody gangs nuts.
I mean, how was I supposed to know she was the girl out the toothpaste advert? So, eh, are you still allowed to use gas Cammy? Well, I'm not gonna chuck it out.
I've got a garage full of it! Gas, man.
I've never had gas before.
You feelin' OK, Mick? Tae be honest wi' ye a wee bit depersonalised, mebbe even de-realised.
Also feeling high levels of suggestibility and imagination but overall a slight dizziness blanketed in a deep-rooted euphoria.
Get yersels tanked up wi'it, it's aff its nut.
Do you want to try some lads? No, no.
Hey, look at that! - When's that fae? - I dunno, but it cost 3&6.
"At home with James Dean.
" Look at this.
"Engelbert Humperdink celebrates his 27th birthday in style.
"Jackie-O's stunning new wardrobe ahead of Dallas trip.
" "Why the ladies love Liberace.
" Right, that's you, son.
Got any mouthwash? Here, rinse with that.
Right.
So that's you sorted for your interview tomorrow.
What time's it at? Hof four! How am I looking? Like the 2:30 favourite at Cheltenham.
C'mon.
What's wrong wi' you? I'm just a wee bit nervous.
What huv you got to be nervous about? It's me that's getting the medal.
I'm nervous for you.
All the chat and awe that, who we'll be sittin' wi' and everything.
Oh, gies peace.
There we're there, table four.
Right, eh, I'm needing the toilet.
You go and get yourself settled and I'll get ye in there in five.
C'mon, we're due in there noo.
Move yer arse.
There will be jelly, right? - Winston.
- What? What is it wi' you and that watch? I'm just anxious to get to the toilet.
Will you sit a bloody minute until people sit down? Hi, I'm Boabby.
Hi, I'm Rachel.
Are you winning something tonight? I am indeed.
This must be the winner's enclosure.
What are you receiving your award for? Oh, I, uh, looked after a homeless guy for, um, quite some time.
You? Myself and Caroline jumped into the Maryhill canal and saved a man from drowning.
Fire fighter.
Art school.
I quit my job and went round Eastern Europe for two years with a puppet show that I performed for children orphaned by war.
I'm his plus one and I'm needing a shite.
How's that a poached egg you silly bastard? It looks like something that fell out your nose.
Right, get it fixed, start again, I'm not serving that up you novice arsehole! And where do you think you're going, fatty? I was just, eh I was just, eh, just eh, just get the nibbles on the tray and onto the tables! I was on my way to the toilet.
Get those nibbles out! Hoi! Winston, what the f Ye all set for your interview, Mick? Look at that pigeon, man.
Look at the size of it.
It looks as if it's ate another pigeon.
Never mind the pigeons.
Look, I'll pretend to be the interviewer and you introduce yourself to me.
Hello, I'm Methadone Mick.
I wouldn't say that.
Hello, I'm Methadone Michael.
Mick, you can drop the Methadone.
Cannae man, got tae have it every mornin'.
Never mind that.
Just say, "Hello, my name is Michael" and then just be loose wi' it? Let's buy some pigeon feed.
That wee one looks starving.
Look, goin' tae gie it a rest wi' the pigeons.
Watch me.
Watch and learn.
Good afternoon.
My name is Victor.
Good afternoon, Victor.
What makes you think you're suited to the position? Ha ha, that's an easy one, sir.
30 years in the service of Babcock and Wilcox, man and boy.
Loyalty's my middle name, diligence is my reason for being.
- Impressive.
- So therefore Weesht.
You've done enough.
I see no reason why you can't start on Monday.
I'm over the moon.
Let me leave you with my CV.
On the other hand, make it Tuesday.
That'll give you a chance to wipe that muck off your face.
So that's basically it, Mick, confident, forthright, be yersel', but without the shit.
Good luck.
Dammit.
He's no supposed to be there! Whoa! - Watch what ye'r daein'! - No! Buffers, eh? Come on you ya wee bastard, buff! I'm Andrew Gillespie.
Sit yourself, down.
- Michael, is it? - Mick.
Michael.
Nothing to do with Methadone.
OK, Mick.
Why do you think you're suited to this position? Ah! 30 years in the service of Babcock Wilcox, man and boy.
- What age are you? - 23.
Loyalty's my middle name.
It isnae actually, it's Thomas.
Diligence is my reason for being and I've not got shite on ma heid.
I beg your pardon? I've no got shite on my face or anything like that.
For God's sake, where have ye been? I was a baw hair away from gein ma pension to a prostitute! Shut up! Get in! Well, Mick, we have others to see Fair do's, Andra Mr Gillespie.
Here's the thing.
See my life, so far it's not been up to much, man.
Hands up, it's been my fault.
But you see noo? I'm clean, focused, man.
My mad days are behind me.
Well, you're remarkably well turned out today.
You'll love this.
It's aff it's nut.
I got this suit fur six pound but not really cause I only hud two but I got it any roads cause Jack and Victor bought a spoon.
So that was excellent.
Then I'm up at their door and this little wee magic letter box starts talking to me about all the stuff it can gie me.
Tie, shirt, shoes annat.
'Cause the letterbox hud a son called Colin.
Next thing they teeth are nae use! So I'm in this fellas living room, like Gas.
Gas is good! Then in the background, ding ding ding, old teeth in the bin, new teeth plugged in.
Aye.
We'll be here a bloody month.
No we'll no.
Come 'ere.
Oh-ho.
Look at you, ya ancient auld wee monkey.
Come 'ere.
Job done.
I'll see ye back at The Clansman.
You're not Brian.
- Naw.
- Where is Brian? Eh, he's not here the noo.
Get the bell then.
- The bell? - Go and get the bell, ya numpty! Hear ye! Oh yay! Hear ye! Shoosh the noo.
Ladies and gentlemen, Uh, his Right Honourable Lord, er, Lady Provost Um, what's yer name, hen? Winnie Cranston! Winnie Cranston! Give it up for Winnie! Whoo! My lords, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for that warm reception.
- Brian? - I don't know who that man is, but he's an imposter! Oh, for fu Mayhem.
Absolute mayhem.
I thought I was getting the jail.
So how did you get aff? The old silver tongue got me aff wi' it.
Aye, that and a quarter of an hour begging like a wee lassie.
"Oh, I'm Boabby's plus wan! I'm Boabby's plus wan! "I got lost in the corridors 'cause I'm old and past it!" Aye well, it worked, dint it? And naebody none the wiser.
None the wiser about what? That old parking ticket! That's why I went! It's binned.
History.
Awright troops? Oh aye, Mick! How'd ye get on? I got it.
I was close to not getting it, 'cause I was nervous annat.
Talking pish.
Then the strangest thing happened.
I'm about to leave thinking I've humped it.
And then I sees he's daein a crossword.
But he's not finished yet.
He's stuck.
So I lean over and I say, "Three tae finish, eh? "It's a bastard when that happens.
"So, genuine, real, honest.
"That one's unfeigned.
"Four doon.
Nine letters.
"Hard working is assiduous.
" Last one there, coolness and composure especially in a difficult situation.
Equanimity.
Next thing I know Gillespie's standing up and gieing it the welcome aboard.
Aah, that's magic.
- Dead chuffed for ye, son.
- Aye, really happy for you, Mick.
Oh, you guys are the stars, man.
Youse got me there.
Who knows? Mebbe youse'll be picking up some medals next year.
If we don't have a hard winter.
Right, Boabby, mair drinks! Seems like we've all had a bit of good luck the day.
Where is it your working, son? Ach, it's just some daft office job.
Hmm.
How ye getting on, Mick? Brilliant, Mr Gillespie.
I was climbing the walls there earlier 'cause there was ten fines to be processed there and I could only find nine of them.
One of them was missing.
So I've hunted and of all the places it's in the bin, crumpled up! Nae luck, Mr Ingram, whoever ye are.
I feel bad about dropping Winston in it with that old parking ticket.
Ach, don't worry, son.
You werenae tae know.
What did he get? What did you get again, Winston? 100 hours.
That woman is a nightmare.
She's as deef as a post and a rude cow intae the bargain.
She blames ye cause she cannae hear ye.
Thinks ye'r mumblin'.
I had to shout at the top of my voice, "It's a jumper!" And The Home Start Trust, you can forget that because she is a snooty Nazi cow.
Rejecting stuff from yer bag.
Oh, aye, been there and done that.
"There's a pair of trousers for your charity, dear.
"Cheery bye!" "Hold your horses! "Have these trousers been laundered?" "Naw, hen.
Of course not.
"I took a dump in them this morning and just thought "I'll bring them up here, save me washing them!" "And if you hold the zipper up to yer beak "you'll detect the unmistakable whiff of pish.
"Get them washed, get them hung up "and get on with yer charity work, ya Hitler bastard.
" That's my wee stable all set out.
All powdered off with white pepper, delicious.
Oh.
Racing on.
You can shut up for a start.
You'll not be ruining my wee self-party with yer free boiler or accident that I havenae claimed for or yer, indeed your PPI pish.
And that goes for you an awe.
I'm not interested in you.
For you are a manila envelope, with a window in it, which I have no intention of keeking into.
No joy has ever come of your kind.
Oh, so it's the cat charity again, eh? Aye, where is that? Up there, sure.
Next to the sun tan place.
- The sun tan place? - Aye there.
- Browned Furra Pound.
- Ah.
So, what ye givin' them? Shirt.
Still in the wrapper.
John sent it over about ten Christmases ago.
It's no use.
It's too big.
It's enormous.
It's for a big bubble bodied fat fella.
171/2 collar.
That would do me.
And I love maroon.
Wish you health to wear it.
What've you got? Oh, aye, erm, this.
It's a monkey smoking a fag.
It's hideous, intit? I mean, what clown would gie ye that as a gift? - I got you that.
- Did ye? - Aye.
- Give it to me.
I'll take it.
If I'm honest I bought it fur myself but yer birthday rolled up.
Is that a tray? Aye.
It's got a map of Loch Lomond on it.
Oh, I love maps.
Haud the bus.
What are you gein' me for it? Recorder.
It's Fiona's.
She was right rotten at it.
- It's fae Alicante.
- You say Alicante.
I say Al-I-Can.
To me.
I'll get that learned.
A spoon? Uh-huh.
That's right.
Yes, it's for jam or sugar or salt, etc.
It's from Troon.
Oh, I see that.
And the stuff in the bags, is that for us? - No, no, no.
- No, no.
No, this is good stuff.
Na, it's just the spoon today.
So there ye have it.
The spoon for stirring tea or coffee or cod liver oil if you're not well.
I'm across how a spoon works.
The cats will be very grateful.
Are ye no wantin' it like? - Hi, Jack, Victor.
- Oh, hello, Mick.
You're no still living underneath that bridge are you? Aye.
Under the bridge.
Like a mad troll, man.
Oh, here, do you want a spoon? Oh, haud on, ya daftie.
You've offered a recovering junkie a spoon! - How no? - He'll use it for the junk! Oh, aye, eating a big jar of junk.
They don't eat junk oota jar, Jack.
They cook it on a spoon! Cookin' up junk on mah wee Troon spoon? Aye.
Listen son, you were gonna get a good spoon, but ye'r not gettin' it noo because of yer behaviour.
Nae danger, man.
Listen hen, put that away oot the road.
Safe.
Thank you.
Can I help you? - I'm wanting this suit.
- Uh-huh.
Thing is, it's six quid and I've only got two.
Will you take two? No.
Marvellous, eh? Charity begins at home.
It is a charity but it's also a business.
We sell things for charity.
The suit's six pounds.
Six pounds in our till is a big help.
Well, how about this then.
See if we buy something at four pound will you let him have that suit for two? - Yes.
- What have you got that's four quid? Four pound, please.
It's a multi-purpose spoon from Troon.
Ya bastard! Four a half grand? For a daft parking ticket.
What did ye dae, shoot a traffic warden? You don't even have a car.
Well, I did have a car.
For about a fortnight.
That's when I got the ticket.
It's just ran up and noo they're comin' efter me.
What are you gonnie dae? Well, the letter says, "If you are unable to pay, the council shall endeavour to recoup "the goods, chattel or possessions amounting to the recovery of the debt.
" Well, that'll be the first three quid paid back.
Och shoosh, that's not the thing.
I've got three weeks to pay or it's a custodial sentence.
- The jail? - The pokey? The bumhole buffet? That cannae be right.
It is right.
Read it and weep.
Wow, Winston, that letter is a downer.
However, this one is an upper.
My Invitation to receive the Glasgow Good Citizen Civic medal.
Oh, aye, for cooking Pete the Jakey's breakfast every morning, oot the goodness of your heart.
He doesnae have a heart.
Pipe doon.
"Why are you receiving this award? "Because you have exemplified a kindness "or selflessness" You're oot o' bog roll, Boabby.
Use newspaper, ya twat.
"In other words, your altruism and graciousness" Can I get another wee splash of Cola in there, Boabby? There's Cola in it already, ya greedy auld dick.
"has above and beyond, "marked you as a citizen of great standing" - Boabby, can I - No, you cannae, ya miserable ratbag.
"And for these esteemed qualities, we salute "and reward you.
" The Glasgow Good Citizen's Civic Medal? Are you sure it's not the Black Hearted Bawbag Barman Medallion? Or the Distinguished Doolally Dickpiece Deadbeat Decoration? Great, ah? I get a 4 and a half grand parking ticket and he gets a medal.
That's both stones firmly kicked.
Oh, and there's a plus one.
Who's comin' wi' me? Eh, oh, no, I'm washing my moustache that day.
I'm, er, I'm givin' him a hand.
What aboot you, Isa? Or are you busy washing your moustache? Erm Tell him your washing your beard.
Boabby, that would lovely, eh, but the thing is, eh Well? I canne go because you'll need someone to cover for you here at The Clansman! Well, otherwise that would have been lovely.
Boabby, I'll ignore the fact that you've asked everybody else, erm, but, can I put forward my case for being your plus one? Well, as you all know I've been in financial trouble myself a couple of times.
Gracious me, I am noo.
I'm what they call a borderline case.
Freddie Foodbank, if you will.
And it's for that reason that I appreciate the charity that you showed Pete.
You deserve that medal.
And I would be honoured to be there to see you receive it, because you are one hell of a fella, Boabby.
One hell of a fella.
Thanks, Winston.
I'd be delighted to have you there.
- Honoured to be there? - Uh-huh.
A helluva fella? A helluva gormless fella.
I've just got an invite to the inside of the City Chambers.
- Right.
- Where they have a lovely ballroom for awards upstairs And? And the fines and parking department doon stairs! Riddle me this, Batman.
Off you go, Alfred.
Who's Alfred? - The butler.
- Whose butler? Batman's butler! Na, I'm not a butler.
If ye'r not gonna go Alfred, the only other people you can be is Robin or Batgirl.
Well, I've neither the tights for Robin nor the tits for Batgirl.
No, I'm the Riddler.
So riddle me this! - Well, go wi' it! - The question I'm asking is, is Boabby an arsehole who became charitable, or is he a charitable man who masquerades as an arsehole? Ah.
Is he a benevolent man that covers it with a mask and cape of arseholiness? Exactly? Na.
I reckon he's a fully paid up card-carrying arsehole.
Aye, he's an arsehole.
Ye'r not the Riddler, ye'r the Penguin.
Oh, am I? Watch the tea, Jack.
Oh, Mick! Jack.
What can I do for you, son? I wanted to say thanks for giving us a dig oot with the suit.
Aye, nae problem son, aye aye Just oot of curiosity, what did you need the suit for? Ye'r not in trouble are ye? Na, quite the opposite.
I've got an interview for a job.
Oh, that's marvellous, eh.
Well, so you're wanted kitted oot? Suit, shirt, tie, shoes, the lot, eh? De ye think I'll need all that, it's only a daft office job.
Now listen to me ye young dumper.
You go for that interview, right, and then later on they say, "Who do we like for this?" And the gaffer pipes up, "I liked the boy that with the suit.
" But the assistant says, "Who was that wi' the suit?" He says, "The boy wi' the suit sure and the manky shirt "and the rotten flip flops.
"He's the boy for us.
" It's not gonna work son, is it? You don't need that other stuff.
"It is only with the heart we can see fully, "what is essential, is invisible to the eyes.
" Antoine de Saint-Exupery, 1940.
There or thereabouts.
Right.
What size are your shoes? - 10.
- Ah, you're pumped.
I'm a 12.
Ah, I'm a 9.
Haud on.
Two pair of socks and a pair of my shoes.
What about a pair of my Colin's, he's a ten? Have you still got some of Colin's stuff? Aye.
There's tons there.
It's been lyin' there since he went to the University.
I can gie ye shoes, shirt and a tie an awe! Well, there ye go.
That's smashin'.
Thanks, Isa.
What de ye think? You guys have got it good, living up here, wi' a talking letterbox that gies ye stuff? Eh? Mad hoose wi' a magic door.
Aye, it's pure Pixar, intit? It's a wummin.
Right.
Nice to meet ye, Missus.
For God's sake, this is oor neighbour, Isa.
Hello, son.
Noo, I've also got a nice overcoat there you could use, for if the weather's bad.
Thanks.
Haud on, but I might not need a coat.
What will the weather be like on Monday, magic door? Can you be quiet, please? This is a library.
Chattering away like a couple of budgies! I couldnae hear a thing.
Aye, well, they were deafening me! Noo, the way I see it, Winston, when I click on this button, I'll be an accessory, aiding and abetting ye.
I like a bet as well, Shug.
I'm always betting.
No, no, no.
Not betting, abetting.
Look, Shug.
This is an ancient lousy parking ticket that over the years has turned intae Bigfoot.
Ah.
We get in there, we find the cave where Bigfoot lives, "Oh, hello, ya big 4 and a half grand hairy Sasquatch "pain in the arse!" Blammo.
No' crime.
A hunt? That's right, Shug.
And what are we if not hunting men? And Sasquatch is the parking ticket.
- Yes! - Aye, OK.
Bingo.
- That's you.
- What am I looking at? Well, that's the original drawings for the City Chambers, 1885.
See, there's yer roof layout.
There's your ballroom, that's where you'll be.
Watching Boabby getting his stupid badge.
Aye well, you excuse yourself, you're, you're needing a pish or some such, cut through the kitchen, along the corridor.
The traffic fines office is behind that and that's where we need to be.
So what do we need? Torches, glass cutters? Possibly what, welding gear of some description? Gelignite? Will we need Jelly? The only jelly you'll be getting is after yer dinner, ya fat clown.
Cut down the fire stairs and let me in the back door.
4:30 on the button.
Boom.
Call me a fat clown.
Do you think there will be jelly? He's had a shower and everything.
Wait till you see him.
It wis very good of ye feeding the boy like that, Isa.
Sorry? I said, it wis very good of ye feeding the boy like that.
Do you know something Isa, that's probably that boy's first square meal in God knows how long.
- Good on ye.
- He's a lucky lad.
He's a lucky, lucky lad.
Aye well, he's welcome.
Right, yis ready? Oh, come on in, son.
Oh, the big reveal, eh! It's like one of them makeover shows! Whoa! Look at that! - Shining like a new penny.
- Aye.
You boy, are ready for that job interview.
Ooh! Oh, dear.
Good of you to see us at short notice like this Cammy.
No problem.
Not long now.
So operating out o' the hoose now, eh? Aye, since I got struck off.
You pull four teeth out the wrong person and everybody gangs nuts.
I mean, how was I supposed to know she was the girl out the toothpaste advert? So, eh, are you still allowed to use gas Cammy? Well, I'm not gonna chuck it out.
I've got a garage full of it! Gas, man.
I've never had gas before.
You feelin' OK, Mick? Tae be honest wi' ye a wee bit depersonalised, mebbe even de-realised.
Also feeling high levels of suggestibility and imagination but overall a slight dizziness blanketed in a deep-rooted euphoria.
Get yersels tanked up wi'it, it's aff its nut.
Do you want to try some lads? No, no.
Hey, look at that! - When's that fae? - I dunno, but it cost 3&6.
"At home with James Dean.
" Look at this.
"Engelbert Humperdink celebrates his 27th birthday in style.
"Jackie-O's stunning new wardrobe ahead of Dallas trip.
" "Why the ladies love Liberace.
" Right, that's you, son.
Got any mouthwash? Here, rinse with that.
Right.
So that's you sorted for your interview tomorrow.
What time's it at? Hof four! How am I looking? Like the 2:30 favourite at Cheltenham.
C'mon.
What's wrong wi' you? I'm just a wee bit nervous.
What huv you got to be nervous about? It's me that's getting the medal.
I'm nervous for you.
All the chat and awe that, who we'll be sittin' wi' and everything.
Oh, gies peace.
There we're there, table four.
Right, eh, I'm needing the toilet.
You go and get yourself settled and I'll get ye in there in five.
C'mon, we're due in there noo.
Move yer arse.
There will be jelly, right? - Winston.
- What? What is it wi' you and that watch? I'm just anxious to get to the toilet.
Will you sit a bloody minute until people sit down? Hi, I'm Boabby.
Hi, I'm Rachel.
Are you winning something tonight? I am indeed.
This must be the winner's enclosure.
What are you receiving your award for? Oh, I, uh, looked after a homeless guy for, um, quite some time.
You? Myself and Caroline jumped into the Maryhill canal and saved a man from drowning.
Fire fighter.
Art school.
I quit my job and went round Eastern Europe for two years with a puppet show that I performed for children orphaned by war.
I'm his plus one and I'm needing a shite.
How's that a poached egg you silly bastard? It looks like something that fell out your nose.
Right, get it fixed, start again, I'm not serving that up you novice arsehole! And where do you think you're going, fatty? I was just, eh I was just, eh, just eh, just get the nibbles on the tray and onto the tables! I was on my way to the toilet.
Get those nibbles out! Hoi! Winston, what the f Ye all set for your interview, Mick? Look at that pigeon, man.
Look at the size of it.
It looks as if it's ate another pigeon.
Never mind the pigeons.
Look, I'll pretend to be the interviewer and you introduce yourself to me.
Hello, I'm Methadone Mick.
I wouldn't say that.
Hello, I'm Methadone Michael.
Mick, you can drop the Methadone.
Cannae man, got tae have it every mornin'.
Never mind that.
Just say, "Hello, my name is Michael" and then just be loose wi' it? Let's buy some pigeon feed.
That wee one looks starving.
Look, goin' tae gie it a rest wi' the pigeons.
Watch me.
Watch and learn.
Good afternoon.
My name is Victor.
Good afternoon, Victor.
What makes you think you're suited to the position? Ha ha, that's an easy one, sir.
30 years in the service of Babcock and Wilcox, man and boy.
Loyalty's my middle name, diligence is my reason for being.
- Impressive.
- So therefore Weesht.
You've done enough.
I see no reason why you can't start on Monday.
I'm over the moon.
Let me leave you with my CV.
On the other hand, make it Tuesday.
That'll give you a chance to wipe that muck off your face.
So that's basically it, Mick, confident, forthright, be yersel', but without the shit.
Good luck.
Dammit.
He's no supposed to be there! Whoa! - Watch what ye'r daein'! - No! Buffers, eh? Come on you ya wee bastard, buff! I'm Andrew Gillespie.
Sit yourself, down.
- Michael, is it? - Mick.
Michael.
Nothing to do with Methadone.
OK, Mick.
Why do you think you're suited to this position? Ah! 30 years in the service of Babcock Wilcox, man and boy.
- What age are you? - 23.
Loyalty's my middle name.
It isnae actually, it's Thomas.
Diligence is my reason for being and I've not got shite on ma heid.
I beg your pardon? I've no got shite on my face or anything like that.
For God's sake, where have ye been? I was a baw hair away from gein ma pension to a prostitute! Shut up! Get in! Well, Mick, we have others to see Fair do's, Andra Mr Gillespie.
Here's the thing.
See my life, so far it's not been up to much, man.
Hands up, it's been my fault.
But you see noo? I'm clean, focused, man.
My mad days are behind me.
Well, you're remarkably well turned out today.
You'll love this.
It's aff it's nut.
I got this suit fur six pound but not really cause I only hud two but I got it any roads cause Jack and Victor bought a spoon.
So that was excellent.
Then I'm up at their door and this little wee magic letter box starts talking to me about all the stuff it can gie me.
Tie, shirt, shoes annat.
'Cause the letterbox hud a son called Colin.
Next thing they teeth are nae use! So I'm in this fellas living room, like Gas.
Gas is good! Then in the background, ding ding ding, old teeth in the bin, new teeth plugged in.
Aye.
We'll be here a bloody month.
No we'll no.
Come 'ere.
Oh-ho.
Look at you, ya ancient auld wee monkey.
Come 'ere.
Job done.
I'll see ye back at The Clansman.
You're not Brian.
- Naw.
- Where is Brian? Eh, he's not here the noo.
Get the bell then.
- The bell? - Go and get the bell, ya numpty! Hear ye! Oh yay! Hear ye! Shoosh the noo.
Ladies and gentlemen, Uh, his Right Honourable Lord, er, Lady Provost Um, what's yer name, hen? Winnie Cranston! Winnie Cranston! Give it up for Winnie! Whoo! My lords, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for that warm reception.
- Brian? - I don't know who that man is, but he's an imposter! Oh, for fu Mayhem.
Absolute mayhem.
I thought I was getting the jail.
So how did you get aff? The old silver tongue got me aff wi' it.
Aye, that and a quarter of an hour begging like a wee lassie.
"Oh, I'm Boabby's plus wan! I'm Boabby's plus wan! "I got lost in the corridors 'cause I'm old and past it!" Aye well, it worked, dint it? And naebody none the wiser.
None the wiser about what? That old parking ticket! That's why I went! It's binned.
History.
Awright troops? Oh aye, Mick! How'd ye get on? I got it.
I was close to not getting it, 'cause I was nervous annat.
Talking pish.
Then the strangest thing happened.
I'm about to leave thinking I've humped it.
And then I sees he's daein a crossword.
But he's not finished yet.
He's stuck.
So I lean over and I say, "Three tae finish, eh? "It's a bastard when that happens.
"So, genuine, real, honest.
"That one's unfeigned.
"Four doon.
Nine letters.
"Hard working is assiduous.
" Last one there, coolness and composure especially in a difficult situation.
Equanimity.
Next thing I know Gillespie's standing up and gieing it the welcome aboard.
Aah, that's magic.
- Dead chuffed for ye, son.
- Aye, really happy for you, Mick.
Oh, you guys are the stars, man.
Youse got me there.
Who knows? Mebbe youse'll be picking up some medals next year.
If we don't have a hard winter.
Right, Boabby, mair drinks! Seems like we've all had a bit of good luck the day.
Where is it your working, son? Ach, it's just some daft office job.
Hmm.
How ye getting on, Mick? Brilliant, Mr Gillespie.
I was climbing the walls there earlier 'cause there was ten fines to be processed there and I could only find nine of them.
One of them was missing.
So I've hunted and of all the places it's in the bin, crumpled up! Nae luck, Mr Ingram, whoever ye are.
I feel bad about dropping Winston in it with that old parking ticket.
Ach, don't worry, son.
You werenae tae know.
What did he get? What did you get again, Winston? 100 hours.