Still Game (2002) s07e06 Episode Script
Down and Out
1 Terrible this, isn't it? Eh? Pulling doon the high flats.
It's as if they're destroying wur heritage.
Speaking as a former resident of Harrier Heights Hey! What are you? A 75-year-old midget? Get yersel tae f Jack! he's only a wean.
Well, we staked oot these spots since half six this morning, and he's just sauntered in.
Aye, right enough! Here, you, spare us the history lesson, eh? On yer bike, ya interloping wee fud! What time is it? Hauf 11.
I thought they were going to blow it up at 11? Hello, boys.
Oh! Isa.
Oh, a sad day for Harrier Heights.
They'll no be pulling it doon for a few minutes yet.
I just spoke to the gaffer.
He says delays are very common in these situations.
The gaffer spoke to YOU? Aye.
So the gaffer took time out of his busy demolition schedule to keep you up to speed wi' proceedings? Aye.
Well, I never actually spoke TAE him, but I was standing next to him, earwigging while he was talking to another man.
See what she's done there, Jack? Aye, kept us busy talking so you could slip to the front.
Nice try.
Chase yersel, Isa! I mean, what have they done wi' the poor old souls that lived in here? Braemar Care Home.
Oof! One stop away fae the crematorium.
They're no in there permanently.
Just till their new hooses get built.
Oh, it's supposed to be nice.
Lovely woman that runs the place, Mrs Fletcher.
She runs it like a hotel.
Aye, that no-one checks out of.
Who's the janitor? Norman Bates? Right, let us through.
Disabled man here! Blue badge holder.
Oof, there's a candidate for the care home! Oh! I might have guessed you two auld duffers would have the prime spot.
Did ye camp oot all night like Black Friday, aye? Up wi' the lark, on wi' the kettle.
Flask of tea, doon we came.
Aye, well, enjoy it.
It'll not be long till your block's coming doon, tae.
Hopefully wi' you two still inside it.
We've been assured oor hoose is as safe as Eh, as safe as, erm Houses, Jack.
Er, houses, aye.
Thanks, Victor.
Isn't that right, Councillor McVitie? Yes? I'm just saying our flats arenae coming down.
Aw, no, no, no, no, no.
No, not at all, no.
Eagle Heights and Osprey Heights are staying.
Remember, lads - I'm Craiglang born and bred.
That's why we voted for ye! KLAXON WAILS Oh, here we go.
Here we go! EXCITED MURMURS CROWD: 14, 13, Stop shoving, stop shoving! CROWD: 12, 11, ten, nine, eight, seven, six Peggy, hen Leave it, Jack.
She'll turn roond and demolish you.
CROWD: five, four, three, two, one.
Hey! APPLAUSE That was amazing! I'll never forget that for as long as I live.
Well, be sure to pop doon to The Clansman later on and tell us all about it, ya big eclipsin' bastard! Tam! Winston.
What is that you're daein' there? Sssh.
Come here! What do you see here? Ma pal, acting like a daftie after the blitz.
Winston, this rubble is a mountain.
A mountain of opportunity.
There's gold in this there rubble, and I'm nothing mair than a humble miner.
Aye, a dirty low order manky miner.
You're sick! This is hyper-miserableness.
It's uber-skinflintishness.
It's biblical arseholity! Is it? Is it, though? A manky auld spoon.
Big deal.
Keep digging and you might find a bowl and a box of cornflakes! Not just any old spoon.
Solid silver.
SOUTHERN STATES DRAWL: That'd fetch a pretty price! And iffen there's mair diggin' to be done in there, then four hands is better than two! Right.
Oot ma way.
We're going in.
There ye go, Councillor.
Thank you.
You were at the demolition.
How did it go? Ach, these things are never easy.
I don't know if you know this, but I actually voted for you in the locals.
Well, thank you for your support! No, cause the two other boys were wankers.
Quite.
And the woman wanalso a wanker.
The next campaign slogan.
Vote Alex McVitie - not a wanker! BOABBY LAUGHS PHONE RINGS Oh, look who it is - Cagney and Lacey! Shut up, Boabby.
It wouldnae take a detective to work oot you're a bell end.
Two pints, prick.
Were yous at the demolition? Aye, it was good.
A lot of waiting, mind.
But thenboof.
Rubble.
I don't know what you're so chipper about.
Yous two'll be next.
Shut yer hole, Boabby.
Councillor McVitie himself assured us that Osprey Heights is safe.
Isn't that right, Councillor? I wouldnae be so sure.
What do they call it? The regeneration of Craiglang.
Get it up and running.
Ye've got mair chance of getting Stephen Hawking up and running.
Aye, or Oscar Pistorius.
No, he's a runner, Jack.
Aye, but he's in the jail.
He cannae run aboot in the jail, sure.
That should still work.
Ah.
What's this? Does it say Tesco ootside? Two lager, two whiskies, two scampi fries.
What's all that filthy rubbish? Filthy lucre.
Currency.
Hard cash.
Fae where? Fae what's left of Harrier Heights.
Oh, dear.
Grave-robbing.
That is very poor.
Gies peace.
Once we get to the car booty, we'll be getting paid for this lot.
Ah, well, ye can start noo, and get me paid for this lot.
Now, Boabby, that clock there, that hasnae worked since Poldark was on the first time.
Aye Interested? Deal.
My God.
It'll not be long before we're raking through your stuff.
Now, listen, ye couple of Burke and Hare bastards - we have been assured that Osprey Heights is safe.
By who? By him! Councillor McVitie! Ho, Councillor! CROWD MURMURS Simmer down.
Can we have a bit of order? MURMURING DIES DOWN Thank you.
Now, the announcement of the demolition of Eagle Heights and Osprey Heights came as much as a surprise to me as it did to you.
Hang your head in shame! But the fact remains that many of your fellow residents have seen this for the opportunity that it is.
We trusted you! An opportunity for you to start a new life, in new housing.
Toilet! Victor.
Well, we're just shouting stuff out, aren't we? This is just Hear, hear! I havenae said anything yet, Isa.
Oh, aye.
Sorry.
Councillor McVitie, we all know that you are a local man, a stand-up guy.
We know that you did everything that you could.
But this is history repeating itself.
MURMURS OF AGREEMEN Driving a wrecking ball through good people.
MURMURS INTENSIFY When they tore down the great communities of Glasgow, The Gorbals, Govan, The Red Road, and moved us around like cattle.
Yes, Navid! You tell him.
Well said.
But we are proud people, not livestock! Yes! Well said, Navid.
That wis lovely! Sir, which block of flats are you from? Flats? I wouldnae live in those flats! I've got a bungalow.
I make my money from these arseholes! LAUGHTER This meeting is for residents only.
It's all very well throwing him out, but he's made a good point.
CROWD MURMURS Hello, everybody.
My name is Maureen Fletcher, and I'm the manager of Braemar Care Home where, many of you, if you choose, can reside.
It's a care home! Yes, that's right, it is a care home - for some.
But, for you, it's temporary accommodation until your new homes are ready.
We don't want to live with a bunch of old dribblers! Look, come and see for yourselves, and then decide.
We have a games room, quiz nights, a beautiful TV lounge, and the food! Our chef used to work at Hotel Du Vin.
Wait until you taste his lasagne.
I like lasagne! Tell her, Jack! Lasagne! Sit doon.
It's like the Botanic Gardens out there! Well, thank you.
Some of our residents could give Alan Titchmarsh a run for his money.
Yeah, I'd like to get in amongst that in the garden.
When the weather's good, we have a barbecue.
My burger's flipped already! Is that a 50-inch television? 56.
That just came in last week.
You'd be very happy here.
For how long, did you say? Six weeks, max.
Are you buying that, or are you are just feeling it up? Look, love, ye've took and shook everything on this stall.
Attractive to look at, lovely to hold, but if you should drop it, consider it sold.
How much is it? Fiver.
I'll gie ye three.
Deef as well as shakey? LOUDER: Five.
Parkinson's.
A bastard, isn't it? Lying on yer ribs, burger, beer, in front of a 56-inch badboy! Just like being on yer holibags, Jack boy! Take me with you.
Please.
What? Do you know what's in the pies? Apple? People.
Auld people.
William.
Please.
Let's get you a nice hot chocolate.
Do you want to know what she puts in the hot chocolate? Naw, you're all right.
Look at all this stuff.
Abandoned! Aye, right enough.
We'll get a fiver for this.
Oh, a fiver.
And four for that, three for this, two for this lassie, and a quid for her wee sister! Aye, every flat in this building has something that naebody wants any mair.
Here, do you recognise this song? PLAYS BOUNCY TUNE WINSTON CHUCKLES BOTH: # We're in the money, we're in the money! # Careful.
Is that the last of it, son? Aye, that's it.
If you can just sign here.
This is ridiculous, intit? Aye.
I've lived in that hoose since 1971.
Aye, I know.
I helped ye move in, sure.
LIFT BELL RINGS I carried those chairs in.
Aye.
I'd have thought you'd have bought new chairs by noo.
Shut up.
Perfectly good chairs.
And, besides, when they lifted that couch of yours, three thrupenny bits fell oot! Aye, and a book of Green Shield stamps.
Ah, well, it's all going intae storage now, eh? What did you do with all yer scudbooks? Ach, I just put them in the I've no' got scudbooks! ISA SNIFFLES Oh, Isa.
You all right, hen? Aye.
It's an awful sad day, intit? Aye.
Is that you moving in wi' Colin, then? Aye.
I'm getting the bus over to Bishopbriggs.
The bus? Is he no' coming to pick ye up? No, he's working the day.
He's got a conservatory! That you two off tae an auld folks' home? It's no an old folks' home! It's a temporary housinghome.
Aye, for auld folks.
Ach, it's just for six weeks until they finish building the hooses in Parkmill.
Parkmill? Aye, it's the good end.
Oof.
Is that where they say, "PLEASE gie me yer wallet, ye auld bastard"? Boabby's having a do in The Clansman for us all the night before they pull the flats doon.
Are ye gaun? No, probably no'.
That would be too emotional.
Too stressful.
Besides, it's two buses, and ma Colin's got a drinks cabinet full of sherry.
Very touching.
Well, boys, it's been fun.
Lovely memories.
LIFT BELL RINGS I'd better be oan ma way.
Victor, I think your removal fella had a couple of drinks in him.
I seen him drapping one of your boxes.
Oh, what? Anything smashed? Naw.
Just a load of auld nudie books.
JACK CACKLES What's that? I don't know.
Is it cabbage? IS it cabbage? Does it matter? Could I have some "is it cabbage"? Because I love "is it cabbage".
Could I also trouble you for a ladle of "they might be beans", please? Piss off.
What happened to the lasagne? Lasagne? That says "Madge", no' "DiMaggio's".
Sling your hook! Did ye hear that, Sandra? Lasagne! MADGE CACKLES Can you turn that back? I was watching Homes Under the Hammer, boys.
Isa? What the hell are you daeing here? Ach, it wasnae working oot at Colin's.
His wife's an utter gabshite.
And nosy wi' it.
Every night, yap, yap, yap.
Melt the ears aff ye.
Oh, I couldnae get a word in edgeways.
It was torture.
It was like Tenko.
And what a bloody gossip.
No, I'm better aff in here till I get ma ain hoose.
At least we've got each other for company.
What's the matter, Victor? I've got something in ma eye.
Here, what have yous been up tae, eh? What's been happening? Yous been behaving yersels? There's nothing been happening.
No, aye, behaving.
Uh-huh, totally, aye.
Ah, Mr McDade, Mr Jarvis.
Glad I caught you.
Mr Stephenson claims he's lost £14 to you both in a poker game, so the cards have been taken away and destroyed.
You made everybody watch "Queens of Pole Dancing", which upset some of our female residents, so no more remote control until further notice.
And last night you both went to a pub called The Clansman? You left the main door open, and three of the residents got out.
They were found wandering the gardens with no shoes.
No-one is allowed in or out after nine o'clock.
A curfew? Wait a minute! We've got to go to a party in The Clansman.
I mean, they're "demolishizing" our flats in the morning! Demolishing.
What did I say? "Demolishizing.
" Eh, aye, well, pulling them doon.
I mean, this is our last night as residents of Craiglang.
We have to be at that party! You are no longer residents of Craiglang.
You are residents of Braemar Care Home, and you will observe its rules.
Lockdown at nine o'clock.
No exceptions.
This isnae a hotel.
Or a care home.
This is a loony bin.
Calm doon, Jack, calm doon.
It's hardly One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, now, is it? BELL RINGS MRS FLETCHER OVER PA: Medication time.
Medication time.
Medication time.
Medication time.
MUSIC: The Final Countdown, by Europe It's Armageddon! ONE free drink for everyone! CHEERS Nice one, Boabby! I'll have a pint of vodka! To the end, my friends! VARIOUS: Cheers! PHONE RINGS Hello.
Hey, don't get a taste for that, we cannae get slakered.
We've got a lot of stuff to humpf.
And how are we going to shift it? Going tae strap it tae oor backs like a couple of puffed oot Welsh pit ponies? I havenae worked that oot yet.
All right, thank you.
MUSIC STOPS Shut up a minute, everyone.
I've got something to say here.
Jack, Victor and Isa arnae coming.
What? How no? Something about a curfew in that home up there.
They're no' allowed oot.
Here, can we get their free drinks? Shut up, Tam.
That's bad.
Is there nothing we can dae? Aye, there's something we can dae.
JACK CLEARS THROA Shoosht! You shoosht, ya bastard! It's no' a library! This is more like it, isn't it? Sitting quietly together, enjoying each other's company.
What could be better? Well, maybe a can of air freshener so we can mask the smell of pish coming fae David Niven here.
See you in the morning.
Well, I'm going to finish that cup of tea, fill my hot water bottle, get my jammies on, and slit my wrists.
You got any plans, Jack? No, nothing mair exciting than that.
I'll probably rummage through the kitchen to see if I can find a bottle of Domestos to neck, then that'll be the end of that.
Isa? I'd be happy enough for one of yous to lift that vase and smash ma skull in.
If yous can be bothered.
ALL LAUGH It's all right laughing, but is this how you envisaged your last night in Craiglang, Victor? In here wi' all these furnace dodgers, eh? Aye, aye, they'll all be doon The Clansman, kicking their height.
TAPPING NOISE WHISPERING: Roond the back.
'Mon.
Boabby, come in.
What's the matter wi' Eric? Is he pished? Naw.
Peggy was sitting on him in the van.
MUSIC PLAYS What is it? It's time.
Operation Old Shit Osprey is green for go.
Forget aboot it.
You havenae even worked oot how we're gonnae move the stuff.
Yes, I huv.
Navid's a bit occupied for the minute.
Oi! Sssh.
We're taking Navid's van.
We're going up to raid all your empty flats.
God's sake.
Right, well, you might want to pop into ma flat, because I've left a sideboard there.
You'll probably get a couple of quid for it.
Oh! I've always liked that sideboard, tae.
What's in here? Oh, Mammy, Daddy! DOOR SLAMS DEEP VOICE: Right, security, what are you up to? Erm, I was Och, you, ya shitpot! WINSTON CHUCKLES Where have you been? Isa's.
Two garden festival mugs, and a cushion wi' a peacock on it.
There was also something else in there that I'd never experienced before.
What was that? Complete blissful silence.
BOTH LAUGHING Right, here, get a haud of these.
We're due one of these each! Right, there we go, now.
Down the hatch! What do you suppose Tam and Winston are doing right about now? Right about now? Probably drinking our pish.
BOTH GAGGING BOTH CACKLING Turpentine.
Plunger.
Two Brillo pads.
Oh, hold on.
Oh, bingo! Ho, ho, ho! Navy rum.
That's no pish! No.
Let's give it a wee Oh.
Nothing covers the taste of your friends' urine better than Old Navy Rum! Thanking you.
NAVID SNORING Hurry up! Get it up ye, ya Nurse Ratched-faced bastard! NAVID SNORING STIRS, MUTTERS Come on, Meena, would it kill you to give us a quick tug? FLETCHER CLEARS THROA I'm calling the police.
Don't try to leave.
All the doors are locked now.
NAVID GRUNTS Whoa! What were you drinking last night? Orange juice.
Aye, whatever you say, chief(!) This is it.
The end of an era.
Well, at least everybody's here to see it.
No' everybody.
Where's Tam and Winston? WINSTON MOANS Get up.
What's going on? "What's going on?" We tanned that bottle of rum.
Oh, aye! That was good.
Oh! Look, there's Jack and Victor.
And Eric, Isa, Navid.
What are they doing? They're all looking up here.
What fur? KLAXON WAILS Oh! Oh! Come on, Winston! Wait, wait.
How many mair flights? BOTH SCREAM 20 seconds.
Oh, I cannae watch.
Oh! Argh! Tam, Tam! Come oan, Winston.
I'm a goner.
Go on withoot me.
Save yourself! Aye, OK.
Ya dirty lousy bastard! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four TAM SCREAMING three, two, one.
They're still standing! Ooh! So am I! After the failed demolition of two tower blocks in Craiglang, the council has abandoned plans to demolish the homes when it emerged that Councillor Alex McVitie has come under investigation for his involvement in a massive property development fraud.
McVitie, who denies any wrongdoing, has been accused of taking payments from an assortment of demolition firms and building companies.
And now a look at the weather.
Ho, ho, ho.
I tell you what, we deserve to still be in that loony bin.
How? We were daft enough to vote for that wanker.
Aye.
I can see the headlines in tomorrows papers - "No biscuits for McVitie.
" I don't know aboot that, Jack.
When he gets to Barlinnie, he'll be getting dunked.
Ooh! Where's this going? What is it? Erm Porny mags.
They're his.
They're his.
It's as if they're destroying wur heritage.
Speaking as a former resident of Harrier Heights Hey! What are you? A 75-year-old midget? Get yersel tae f Jack! he's only a wean.
Well, we staked oot these spots since half six this morning, and he's just sauntered in.
Aye, right enough! Here, you, spare us the history lesson, eh? On yer bike, ya interloping wee fud! What time is it? Hauf 11.
I thought they were going to blow it up at 11? Hello, boys.
Oh! Isa.
Oh, a sad day for Harrier Heights.
They'll no be pulling it doon for a few minutes yet.
I just spoke to the gaffer.
He says delays are very common in these situations.
The gaffer spoke to YOU? Aye.
So the gaffer took time out of his busy demolition schedule to keep you up to speed wi' proceedings? Aye.
Well, I never actually spoke TAE him, but I was standing next to him, earwigging while he was talking to another man.
See what she's done there, Jack? Aye, kept us busy talking so you could slip to the front.
Nice try.
Chase yersel, Isa! I mean, what have they done wi' the poor old souls that lived in here? Braemar Care Home.
Oof! One stop away fae the crematorium.
They're no in there permanently.
Just till their new hooses get built.
Oh, it's supposed to be nice.
Lovely woman that runs the place, Mrs Fletcher.
She runs it like a hotel.
Aye, that no-one checks out of.
Who's the janitor? Norman Bates? Right, let us through.
Disabled man here! Blue badge holder.
Oof, there's a candidate for the care home! Oh! I might have guessed you two auld duffers would have the prime spot.
Did ye camp oot all night like Black Friday, aye? Up wi' the lark, on wi' the kettle.
Flask of tea, doon we came.
Aye, well, enjoy it.
It'll not be long till your block's coming doon, tae.
Hopefully wi' you two still inside it.
We've been assured oor hoose is as safe as Eh, as safe as, erm Houses, Jack.
Er, houses, aye.
Thanks, Victor.
Isn't that right, Councillor McVitie? Yes? I'm just saying our flats arenae coming down.
Aw, no, no, no, no, no.
No, not at all, no.
Eagle Heights and Osprey Heights are staying.
Remember, lads - I'm Craiglang born and bred.
That's why we voted for ye! KLAXON WAILS Oh, here we go.
Here we go! EXCITED MURMURS CROWD: 14, 13, Stop shoving, stop shoving! CROWD: 12, 11, ten, nine, eight, seven, six Peggy, hen Leave it, Jack.
She'll turn roond and demolish you.
CROWD: five, four, three, two, one.
Hey! APPLAUSE That was amazing! I'll never forget that for as long as I live.
Well, be sure to pop doon to The Clansman later on and tell us all about it, ya big eclipsin' bastard! Tam! Winston.
What is that you're daein' there? Sssh.
Come here! What do you see here? Ma pal, acting like a daftie after the blitz.
Winston, this rubble is a mountain.
A mountain of opportunity.
There's gold in this there rubble, and I'm nothing mair than a humble miner.
Aye, a dirty low order manky miner.
You're sick! This is hyper-miserableness.
It's uber-skinflintishness.
It's biblical arseholity! Is it? Is it, though? A manky auld spoon.
Big deal.
Keep digging and you might find a bowl and a box of cornflakes! Not just any old spoon.
Solid silver.
SOUTHERN STATES DRAWL: That'd fetch a pretty price! And iffen there's mair diggin' to be done in there, then four hands is better than two! Right.
Oot ma way.
We're going in.
There ye go, Councillor.
Thank you.
You were at the demolition.
How did it go? Ach, these things are never easy.
I don't know if you know this, but I actually voted for you in the locals.
Well, thank you for your support! No, cause the two other boys were wankers.
Quite.
And the woman wanalso a wanker.
The next campaign slogan.
Vote Alex McVitie - not a wanker! BOABBY LAUGHS PHONE RINGS Oh, look who it is - Cagney and Lacey! Shut up, Boabby.
It wouldnae take a detective to work oot you're a bell end.
Two pints, prick.
Were yous at the demolition? Aye, it was good.
A lot of waiting, mind.
But thenboof.
Rubble.
I don't know what you're so chipper about.
Yous two'll be next.
Shut yer hole, Boabby.
Councillor McVitie himself assured us that Osprey Heights is safe.
Isn't that right, Councillor? I wouldnae be so sure.
What do they call it? The regeneration of Craiglang.
Get it up and running.
Ye've got mair chance of getting Stephen Hawking up and running.
Aye, or Oscar Pistorius.
No, he's a runner, Jack.
Aye, but he's in the jail.
He cannae run aboot in the jail, sure.
That should still work.
Ah.
What's this? Does it say Tesco ootside? Two lager, two whiskies, two scampi fries.
What's all that filthy rubbish? Filthy lucre.
Currency.
Hard cash.
Fae where? Fae what's left of Harrier Heights.
Oh, dear.
Grave-robbing.
That is very poor.
Gies peace.
Once we get to the car booty, we'll be getting paid for this lot.
Ah, well, ye can start noo, and get me paid for this lot.
Now, Boabby, that clock there, that hasnae worked since Poldark was on the first time.
Aye Interested? Deal.
My God.
It'll not be long before we're raking through your stuff.
Now, listen, ye couple of Burke and Hare bastards - we have been assured that Osprey Heights is safe.
By who? By him! Councillor McVitie! Ho, Councillor! CROWD MURMURS Simmer down.
Can we have a bit of order? MURMURING DIES DOWN Thank you.
Now, the announcement of the demolition of Eagle Heights and Osprey Heights came as much as a surprise to me as it did to you.
Hang your head in shame! But the fact remains that many of your fellow residents have seen this for the opportunity that it is.
We trusted you! An opportunity for you to start a new life, in new housing.
Toilet! Victor.
Well, we're just shouting stuff out, aren't we? This is just Hear, hear! I havenae said anything yet, Isa.
Oh, aye.
Sorry.
Councillor McVitie, we all know that you are a local man, a stand-up guy.
We know that you did everything that you could.
But this is history repeating itself.
MURMURS OF AGREEMEN Driving a wrecking ball through good people.
MURMURS INTENSIFY When they tore down the great communities of Glasgow, The Gorbals, Govan, The Red Road, and moved us around like cattle.
Yes, Navid! You tell him.
Well said.
But we are proud people, not livestock! Yes! Well said, Navid.
That wis lovely! Sir, which block of flats are you from? Flats? I wouldnae live in those flats! I've got a bungalow.
I make my money from these arseholes! LAUGHTER This meeting is for residents only.
It's all very well throwing him out, but he's made a good point.
CROWD MURMURS Hello, everybody.
My name is Maureen Fletcher, and I'm the manager of Braemar Care Home where, many of you, if you choose, can reside.
It's a care home! Yes, that's right, it is a care home - for some.
But, for you, it's temporary accommodation until your new homes are ready.
We don't want to live with a bunch of old dribblers! Look, come and see for yourselves, and then decide.
We have a games room, quiz nights, a beautiful TV lounge, and the food! Our chef used to work at Hotel Du Vin.
Wait until you taste his lasagne.
I like lasagne! Tell her, Jack! Lasagne! Sit doon.
It's like the Botanic Gardens out there! Well, thank you.
Some of our residents could give Alan Titchmarsh a run for his money.
Yeah, I'd like to get in amongst that in the garden.
When the weather's good, we have a barbecue.
My burger's flipped already! Is that a 50-inch television? 56.
That just came in last week.
You'd be very happy here.
For how long, did you say? Six weeks, max.
Are you buying that, or are you are just feeling it up? Look, love, ye've took and shook everything on this stall.
Attractive to look at, lovely to hold, but if you should drop it, consider it sold.
How much is it? Fiver.
I'll gie ye three.
Deef as well as shakey? LOUDER: Five.
Parkinson's.
A bastard, isn't it? Lying on yer ribs, burger, beer, in front of a 56-inch badboy! Just like being on yer holibags, Jack boy! Take me with you.
Please.
What? Do you know what's in the pies? Apple? People.
Auld people.
William.
Please.
Let's get you a nice hot chocolate.
Do you want to know what she puts in the hot chocolate? Naw, you're all right.
Look at all this stuff.
Abandoned! Aye, right enough.
We'll get a fiver for this.
Oh, a fiver.
And four for that, three for this, two for this lassie, and a quid for her wee sister! Aye, every flat in this building has something that naebody wants any mair.
Here, do you recognise this song? PLAYS BOUNCY TUNE WINSTON CHUCKLES BOTH: # We're in the money, we're in the money! # Careful.
Is that the last of it, son? Aye, that's it.
If you can just sign here.
This is ridiculous, intit? Aye.
I've lived in that hoose since 1971.
Aye, I know.
I helped ye move in, sure.
LIFT BELL RINGS I carried those chairs in.
Aye.
I'd have thought you'd have bought new chairs by noo.
Shut up.
Perfectly good chairs.
And, besides, when they lifted that couch of yours, three thrupenny bits fell oot! Aye, and a book of Green Shield stamps.
Ah, well, it's all going intae storage now, eh? What did you do with all yer scudbooks? Ach, I just put them in the I've no' got scudbooks! ISA SNIFFLES Oh, Isa.
You all right, hen? Aye.
It's an awful sad day, intit? Aye.
Is that you moving in wi' Colin, then? Aye.
I'm getting the bus over to Bishopbriggs.
The bus? Is he no' coming to pick ye up? No, he's working the day.
He's got a conservatory! That you two off tae an auld folks' home? It's no an old folks' home! It's a temporary housinghome.
Aye, for auld folks.
Ach, it's just for six weeks until they finish building the hooses in Parkmill.
Parkmill? Aye, it's the good end.
Oof.
Is that where they say, "PLEASE gie me yer wallet, ye auld bastard"? Boabby's having a do in The Clansman for us all the night before they pull the flats doon.
Are ye gaun? No, probably no'.
That would be too emotional.
Too stressful.
Besides, it's two buses, and ma Colin's got a drinks cabinet full of sherry.
Very touching.
Well, boys, it's been fun.
Lovely memories.
LIFT BELL RINGS I'd better be oan ma way.
Victor, I think your removal fella had a couple of drinks in him.
I seen him drapping one of your boxes.
Oh, what? Anything smashed? Naw.
Just a load of auld nudie books.
JACK CACKLES What's that? I don't know.
Is it cabbage? IS it cabbage? Does it matter? Could I have some "is it cabbage"? Because I love "is it cabbage".
Could I also trouble you for a ladle of "they might be beans", please? Piss off.
What happened to the lasagne? Lasagne? That says "Madge", no' "DiMaggio's".
Sling your hook! Did ye hear that, Sandra? Lasagne! MADGE CACKLES Can you turn that back? I was watching Homes Under the Hammer, boys.
Isa? What the hell are you daeing here? Ach, it wasnae working oot at Colin's.
His wife's an utter gabshite.
And nosy wi' it.
Every night, yap, yap, yap.
Melt the ears aff ye.
Oh, I couldnae get a word in edgeways.
It was torture.
It was like Tenko.
And what a bloody gossip.
No, I'm better aff in here till I get ma ain hoose.
At least we've got each other for company.
What's the matter, Victor? I've got something in ma eye.
Here, what have yous been up tae, eh? What's been happening? Yous been behaving yersels? There's nothing been happening.
No, aye, behaving.
Uh-huh, totally, aye.
Ah, Mr McDade, Mr Jarvis.
Glad I caught you.
Mr Stephenson claims he's lost £14 to you both in a poker game, so the cards have been taken away and destroyed.
You made everybody watch "Queens of Pole Dancing", which upset some of our female residents, so no more remote control until further notice.
And last night you both went to a pub called The Clansman? You left the main door open, and three of the residents got out.
They were found wandering the gardens with no shoes.
No-one is allowed in or out after nine o'clock.
A curfew? Wait a minute! We've got to go to a party in The Clansman.
I mean, they're "demolishizing" our flats in the morning! Demolishing.
What did I say? "Demolishizing.
" Eh, aye, well, pulling them doon.
I mean, this is our last night as residents of Craiglang.
We have to be at that party! You are no longer residents of Craiglang.
You are residents of Braemar Care Home, and you will observe its rules.
Lockdown at nine o'clock.
No exceptions.
This isnae a hotel.
Or a care home.
This is a loony bin.
Calm doon, Jack, calm doon.
It's hardly One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, now, is it? BELL RINGS MRS FLETCHER OVER PA: Medication time.
Medication time.
Medication time.
Medication time.
MUSIC: The Final Countdown, by Europe It's Armageddon! ONE free drink for everyone! CHEERS Nice one, Boabby! I'll have a pint of vodka! To the end, my friends! VARIOUS: Cheers! PHONE RINGS Hello.
Hey, don't get a taste for that, we cannae get slakered.
We've got a lot of stuff to humpf.
And how are we going to shift it? Going tae strap it tae oor backs like a couple of puffed oot Welsh pit ponies? I havenae worked that oot yet.
All right, thank you.
MUSIC STOPS Shut up a minute, everyone.
I've got something to say here.
Jack, Victor and Isa arnae coming.
What? How no? Something about a curfew in that home up there.
They're no' allowed oot.
Here, can we get their free drinks? Shut up, Tam.
That's bad.
Is there nothing we can dae? Aye, there's something we can dae.
JACK CLEARS THROA Shoosht! You shoosht, ya bastard! It's no' a library! This is more like it, isn't it? Sitting quietly together, enjoying each other's company.
What could be better? Well, maybe a can of air freshener so we can mask the smell of pish coming fae David Niven here.
See you in the morning.
Well, I'm going to finish that cup of tea, fill my hot water bottle, get my jammies on, and slit my wrists.
You got any plans, Jack? No, nothing mair exciting than that.
I'll probably rummage through the kitchen to see if I can find a bottle of Domestos to neck, then that'll be the end of that.
Isa? I'd be happy enough for one of yous to lift that vase and smash ma skull in.
If yous can be bothered.
ALL LAUGH It's all right laughing, but is this how you envisaged your last night in Craiglang, Victor? In here wi' all these furnace dodgers, eh? Aye, aye, they'll all be doon The Clansman, kicking their height.
TAPPING NOISE WHISPERING: Roond the back.
'Mon.
Boabby, come in.
What's the matter wi' Eric? Is he pished? Naw.
Peggy was sitting on him in the van.
MUSIC PLAYS What is it? It's time.
Operation Old Shit Osprey is green for go.
Forget aboot it.
You havenae even worked oot how we're gonnae move the stuff.
Yes, I huv.
Navid's a bit occupied for the minute.
Oi! Sssh.
We're taking Navid's van.
We're going up to raid all your empty flats.
God's sake.
Right, well, you might want to pop into ma flat, because I've left a sideboard there.
You'll probably get a couple of quid for it.
Oh! I've always liked that sideboard, tae.
What's in here? Oh, Mammy, Daddy! DOOR SLAMS DEEP VOICE: Right, security, what are you up to? Erm, I was Och, you, ya shitpot! WINSTON CHUCKLES Where have you been? Isa's.
Two garden festival mugs, and a cushion wi' a peacock on it.
There was also something else in there that I'd never experienced before.
What was that? Complete blissful silence.
BOTH LAUGHING Right, here, get a haud of these.
We're due one of these each! Right, there we go, now.
Down the hatch! What do you suppose Tam and Winston are doing right about now? Right about now? Probably drinking our pish.
BOTH GAGGING BOTH CACKLING Turpentine.
Plunger.
Two Brillo pads.
Oh, hold on.
Oh, bingo! Ho, ho, ho! Navy rum.
That's no pish! No.
Let's give it a wee Oh.
Nothing covers the taste of your friends' urine better than Old Navy Rum! Thanking you.
NAVID SNORING Hurry up! Get it up ye, ya Nurse Ratched-faced bastard! NAVID SNORING STIRS, MUTTERS Come on, Meena, would it kill you to give us a quick tug? FLETCHER CLEARS THROA I'm calling the police.
Don't try to leave.
All the doors are locked now.
NAVID GRUNTS Whoa! What were you drinking last night? Orange juice.
Aye, whatever you say, chief(!) This is it.
The end of an era.
Well, at least everybody's here to see it.
No' everybody.
Where's Tam and Winston? WINSTON MOANS Get up.
What's going on? "What's going on?" We tanned that bottle of rum.
Oh, aye! That was good.
Oh! Look, there's Jack and Victor.
And Eric, Isa, Navid.
What are they doing? They're all looking up here.
What fur? KLAXON WAILS Oh! Oh! Come on, Winston! Wait, wait.
How many mair flights? BOTH SCREAM 20 seconds.
Oh, I cannae watch.
Oh! Argh! Tam, Tam! Come oan, Winston.
I'm a goner.
Go on withoot me.
Save yourself! Aye, OK.
Ya dirty lousy bastard! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four TAM SCREAMING three, two, one.
They're still standing! Ooh! So am I! After the failed demolition of two tower blocks in Craiglang, the council has abandoned plans to demolish the homes when it emerged that Councillor Alex McVitie has come under investigation for his involvement in a massive property development fraud.
McVitie, who denies any wrongdoing, has been accused of taking payments from an assortment of demolition firms and building companies.
And now a look at the weather.
Ho, ho, ho.
I tell you what, we deserve to still be in that loony bin.
How? We were daft enough to vote for that wanker.
Aye.
I can see the headlines in tomorrows papers - "No biscuits for McVitie.
" I don't know aboot that, Jack.
When he gets to Barlinnie, he'll be getting dunked.
Ooh! Where's this going? What is it? Erm Porny mags.
They're his.
They're his.