Still Game (2002) s09e02 Episode Script

Cats Whiskers

1 This programme contains adult humour.
KNOCK ON DOOR VICTOR: Come in! It's open! Greetings, old pal.
Right back at you, old chumerino.
Clansman? Oh, yes.
My mouth's all shaped for a pint.
How was Corby? Oh, Corby? Aye, it was OK.
That's my cousin planted now.
Very poor turnout at the funeral, but by all accounts, she was an auld bastard anyway.
Still, that's the estate sorted.
She had an estate? No, she lived on an estate.
I was just handing the keys back to the council.
Did she leave you anything? Ehnaw.
So, are we going for a pint, or what? Yep.
What have you done tae your face? Oh, this? Nothing.
Justmixing it up a bit.
So I go away for a fortnight and I come back and you've went into the fried chicken business? Shut up.
I know this looks good.
Have you got a bird? Gimme peace.
Have you got a wee chicken, then, deep-fried? Victor, a man does not squeeze a beard out or no reason whatsoever.
What is it you're up to? Take a look at this.
Oh, aye.
That's Derek Bedford.
Used to be in Crossroads.
Then he retired.
Then he got to be the cover guy on the Twilight Monthly magazine.
Gets tae travel all over the world getting his photographs taken, flies everywhere for free, goes holidays, goes shark fishing, eats wherever he likes, and he looks a million dollars into the bargain.
Wow, Jack.
You know a lot about him.
Er, aye.
I do, aye.
It's no a jealousy thing.
Hmm.
Lucky bastard! Aye.
Well, his luck's ran out.
He was jet-skiing in Barbados.
His steering got locked.
Couldnae turn it, could he? They found him 14 miles off the coast.
Deid? Cooked.
He looked like a Peperami.
Oh, that's terrible.
He'll be sorely missed.
Aye, he will indeed.
So that's why I've got the beard.
Because you think you can replace Derek Bedford as the Twilight guy? They're looking at people just now.
There's a form to be filled in, photies to be sent, an interview.
This time, they want a couple - appeal to the auld dames an' all.
I want that gig, Jack.
Naw.
Nae offence, Victor.
I mean, you're a decent-looking bloke, but you're gonnae need more than a daft beard to swing that gig.
CLEARS HIS THROA CLEARS HIS THROA Is that a shark's tooth? I believe it is.
Oxfam.
£1.
99.
Here, press the lift while I just put this away in the cupboard.
It's Hawaii 75-0.
MEENA, TRANSLATED: When hell freezes over.
You've seen the stock numbers.
Stuff's going missing.
Besides, it's always been two at a time.
It was two at a time for my father, and two at a time for his father before him.
OK, four at a time.
Sorry, Father.
DOOR BUZZES One, two, three.
Meena, you only let in three.
You buying anything? Naw.
You've been in here before, haven't you? Maybe.
Mmm.
And as far as I recall, you've never bought anything.
Nice recall.
Not as much as a flying saucer.
They're for spacemen.
Have you got a name? They call methe Lone Wolf.
And why would they call you the Lone Wolf? Because I work alone.
Mm-hm.
AndI'm going to wolf these! HOWLS LIKE A WOLF MEENA: Navid! Haw! Haw! MEOW Oh, there ye are.
The Littlest Hobo, in cat form.
Oh! There you go, wee fellow-me-lad.
Here, you, this is none of your semi-skimmed shite.
This is the good, good gear.
Gold Top.
Turn you into a lovely wee fat cat.
Come on, get it scuttled.
MEOWS Ehmorning, Joe.
Oh, morning, Winston.
What are ye doing? I'm giving the wee cat some scran.
I've got a saucer of milk up the stair for it.
Oh, put it in yer tea.
Because he prefers something mair substantial.
See that wee stray? I've given it love, attention, succour.
Aye, well, looks like you're the sucker, cos he's clearly moved on fae milk.
Haven't ye, Toby, son? Toby? His name's Bob! So the cat's a good fit for me, see? I don't have to walk it, cos a cat's no a dug.
A cat's no a dug? Thank you for stopping by and clearing that up for us, Mr Attenborough.
I'll tell ye something else - a budgie's no a tortoise.
ALL LAUGH Shut up.
My point is, the cat's a good fit for Joe, as well, cos he needs the companionship.
This is a battle I'm no losing.
What's the wee cat's name? Well, that's the thing.
You see, he's called it Toby, but I've called it Bob.
Oh, thanks very much, Winston.
You've named the cat after me? If I named the cat after you, it would be called Boabby - Boabby the Cat - which is a sexual offence.
Aw, look who it is - Sean Connery and his wee pal Odd Job.
Well, there's your Goldfinger for you.
Two pints, prick.
ALL SNIGGER Right .
.
let's be having it, then.
Who's first? You look like an anorexic Captain Birdseye.
You look like a junkie Kenny Rogers.
You look like a Kentucky Fried wanker.
I've covered chicken, Boabby.
You look like Harold Shipman going his holidays.
So, what's with the beard? Have you heard of Derek Bedford? Oh, aye, the sporty pensioner off the front of the magazine.
Aye.
Well, he's deid.
VICTOR: Mm-hm.
And they're coming to Glesga and they're looking for a new guy.
And he thinks he's the new guy.
I think you'll find I am the new guy.
You no gonnae give it a go, Jack? Give this lanky streak of pish a run for his money, eh? Aye, he could be standing there with the surfboard and you can be the beach baw.
No, no, it'sno for me, all that posing in front of magazines, and that.
Naw, that's the pursuit of the vain.
Anyway, you shut up.
"Beach baw.
" Aw, good for you, Victor.
What do you have to do? Ach, you just fill a form out, you know, send your photie in.
They're looking for a woman an' all.
ISA: Are they? Oh, I might throw my hat in the ring.
Oh, it can be you and me, Victor, right there on the front cover.
Boabby, do you have an electric razor behind the counter there? The beard's coming aff.
I think you look smashing with that beard, Victor.
Maybe I could be your beach gal.
Make that an open razor, Boabby.
The beard's staying.
The wrists are getting it.
What do cats like? Er, shagging, licking their bits, and sleeping.
No, to eat.
You haven't got a cat.
No' yet, but I will have soon.
I need something a cat cannae resist.
You want these.
Purries - guaranteed to drive a cat to ecstasy.
It's crack for cats.
It's really only dried-out, mashed-up fish guts, but it drives them aff their nut.
Two packs, please.
Get behind the beads.
Huh? Behind the beads! Ah, the Lone Wolf.
You appear to have wandered into the lion's den.
There will be no more pilfering.
Hear my roar! That disnae sound like a lion.
That sounds more like a big pussy.
Cornered, hurling insults.
Not a wolf, but merely a cub.
Put my gear back.
HOWLS LIKE A WOLF Lion, by Christ.
Clarence, The Cross-Eyed Lion! CAT TREATS SCATTERING Come on, wee Bob.
Come and get your fix.
Chicken and liver - irresistible.
You're a bastard, Joe.
I want that cat.
That cat wants me.
That cat cannae live wi' you.
One wrong turn in that buggy of yours and he'd be roadkill.
Oh, aye? And what are you gonnae do? Let it use yer leg as a scratching post? Has that cat ever been inside your house? No' yet.
Has it ever been inside yours? Naw.
So, here's what I'm proposing.
The first person to get wee Bob Toby.
Bob, Toby, Toby, Bob.
Shut up! Whoever's hoose that cat chooses to enter is the victor, and the loser fits a catflap for the winner.
You hear that, Toby? We're getting a catflap.
MEOWS Oh-ho! Look who it is - our man in Havana.
Well, I'm havana lager.
Two One pint, prick.
Still gunning for that magazine job, eh? Correct.
Nae offence, Victor, but you look like Jeremy Corbyn's idiot cousin.
You've nae chance.
Nae offence, like.
All taken.
Where's Jackie-boy? He's away into the toon.
He'll be here directly.
CLEARS HIS THROA Hello, Victor.
You couldnae see green cheese, Isa, could ye? How do you mean? Don't start.
You're done up like a fish supper! Och, well, what's the harm in it? They're looking for a woman as well.
And I'm no the only one making an effort.
And what job are you applying for? Coco the bastardin' clown? I'll see you on the beach.
Well, this is just dandy, isn't it, eh? You try to do something, get the pish ripped out of ye for it, and then everybody jumps on the bandwagon.
Well, you know who your friends are, eh? Evening, Victor.
Hello, Jack.
Hi, Tam.
Hi, Shug.
Hi, Jack.
What is it? You no taking your bunnet aff? Nah.
Take your bunnet aff.
Nah, I'm feeling it a bit cold in here, actually.
Jack Nah.
Take your bunnet aff, Big Jack.
ALL SNIGGER Big deal! So I got my hair done this morning.
How did you spend your afternoon - getting stretched on a rack? Excuse me? What height are you? Bloody stupid question.
Same height I've always been.
You've always been 6'1"? Aye! We've always been the same height, you and me.
I mean, that's why we've always been pals - cos we ay see eye to eye.
Nice troosers, Jack.
Have you got lifts in your shoes, Jack? Yes, Victor.
I'm sorry.
Listen, cards on the table - I need a shot at this goodness and I sincerely hope it's no gonnae affect our friendship.
You know what I mean? It will not.
May the best man win.
Aye, well, glad to hear that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going for a pish.
Wolf.
Navid.
The brass balls of you to walk in here so brazen when you know that I am watching you.
The Wolf needs to eat.
And you don't think I'll catch you? SCOFFS No with that big fat belly.
SIGHS Fair do's.
I stand in defeat.
Fill your boots.
What new ploy's this? I know when I am beaten.
Chocolate bar.
Packet of crisps.
Tin of kidney beans for the dinner.
I love kidney beans.
And to wash it all down .
.
a bottle of fizzo.
CLICK £4.
80, you little bastard.
MEENA: Haw, Navid! Oh! HOWLS LIKE A WOLF SIGHS Bob! Where are ye? Hello, Bob.
MEOWS Hmm? What's this, you ask? It'sa deid roast chicken.
Still warm.
Would you like a wee bit? MEOWS Of course you would.
Is that you hooked now? MEOWS Well, the first bit was for free.
But if you want another piece of heaven, you're gonnae have to work for it.
Walk this way.
CAT MEOWS Hey, Joe.
It's Winston.
I hope you've got a saw in the house, cos you are gonnae be cutting me a catflap.
Oh, you don't believe me? Well, I'll take a wee photie.
CAT MEOWS GROWLING SCREAMS Victor.
Yes, Jack? Can you please turn the heating off? Take your cardigan off.
No, it's no that.
It's just far too warm in here.
LAUGHS What you laughing at? Your hair is running down your face, Jack.
Shut it, beardy baws.
Right, have you looked through the questionnaire? I have, aye.
Good.
OK, let's start at the top.
What have you put for outdoor activities? Well, I'm ticking yes, cos there was a day last summer when it didnae rain and Boabby did the barbecue in the car park.
You and I had a rotten burger.
So that's yes.
Water sports.
You mind we were pished, we were chokin' for a slash That's plenty, Jack.
Oh, hold on, but I was on the Waverley for Billy Cassidy's stag, so I'm putting sailing.
Right.
Well, I'm putting sailing, as well, because I remember being on a pedalo wi' my Jean in Santa Ponsa.
And the reason I remember is because I burnt my foreheid, my shoulders and my belly.
It was absolutely brutal.
"Do you ride a horse?" Yes.
Since when? Blackpool.
That was a donkey, and you fell off it because you were pished.
Donkey, zebras - it's all one.
Here, Jack, do you want to just save time by ticking everything? Aye.
You putting your photie in? Aye.
Got it done at Jerome's.
Well, it's Swifty Print noo.
Aye.
Who done yours? Shug gave us a dig-oot.
Well, give us a look at it, then.
You first.
We'll baith go at the same time.
Come on.
Promise not to laugh? No.
VICTOR LAUGHS When did you get that took? Yesterday.
That's a boxing pose.
That's correct.
But that's a wrestling belt.
Is it? Oh, naw.
See, I bought that for the grand-wean's Christmas present, put it in the cupboard, and forgot to send it.
Think anybody'll notice? Nah, it'll be fine.
Put it in.
Aye.
Oh, right, show us yours.
Oh, aye.
JACK LAUGHS That's brilliant.
Oh, I like the way you're staring into the middle distance.
"Where will I go today in my red E-Type Jaguar? "Will I go to the bookie's? Will I go to the butcher's? "Will I go to the Clansman?" Whose car is that? This big bastard's.
Look at this! Put that in! Put it in! You've howled your last howl, Wolf.
In a minute, it is me who'll be howling with laughter, and that.
Can I help you? I'm looking for a child called Lone Wolf.
Darren! MEOWS No! I'm begging you, Bob, son, don't go in.
Come on, wee Toby.
Come hame, son.
Don't do it, Bob.
He's a ratbag.
No-o-o-o-o! I'm at my wits' end with this one.
I don't know where he is half the time and I don't know what he's up to.
Where is the husband? He's away a lot of the time on business.
He's a diamond merchant, you see.
Really? Oh, aye.
That's why we're living like the Kardashians.
No.
He's pissed aff.
With the diamonds? Oh, I see.
The diamonds are part of the Kardashian sarcasm.
You need to pay back every penny you stole from Mr Harrid.
How am I gonnae dae that? I've nae money.
What age are you, Darren? 13 last week.
Well, it would appear that 13 is your lucky number.
PURRING How have you done that, ya sleekit bastard? # Fresh fish Caught in the ocean this morning.
Catflap, please.
MUMBLES ANGRILY I'm next.
You all right? I was, aye, but now I feel a wee bit jumpy.
Listen, all we want out of this is for one of the two of us to win it.
You've got every chance in the world.
Thanks, Jack.
So do you.
Just go in there and be the best version of yourself.
IMITATES SEAN CONNERY I love the beaches, the shand, the shurf the sheashells.
I also like barbecuesh.
I likechopsh, ribsh, and, erm and shaushagesh.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Has anyone told you you sound a bit like Sean Connery? It hash been shaid.
Thanks for coming in.
Shanksh.
First three weeks, no wages, until I'm paid back.
After that, you make good money.
Thanks, Mr Harrid.
I really do appreciate the opportunity.
I won't let you down.
Good lad.
Hi.
So, it's Eesa? No, Isa, like Liza.
Minnelli.
Drennan.
I see you didn't put your age.
No.
A lady never discusses her age.
ELASTIC PINGS You see, Mr Mullen, the couple we are looking for have to have that outdoor glow, that sea-sprayed sparkle, a face that says, "I've had a life and I'm still living it.
" Have you had any work done? I am aghast, shocked and horrified that you would even suggest such a thing.
Thanks very much, Mr Jarvis.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Oh, is that it? Oh, well, if you'd allow me for a second The ladies love this, by the way.
# Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside Oh, I do like to be beside the sea That's fine.
Thank you, Mr Shut up a minute.
There's a better bit coming.
I like to go swimmin' and shag loads of women OK, that's enough of that.
Thank you.
Ohoh, oh! Ha! No way, man! The Wolf's got a job! All these papers are heavy and my legs are killing me.
See you later, mate.
Good job, Winston.
Aye, you're welcome, Joe.
A bet's a bet.
Can I no put a catflap in my door an' all and we can share the bloody cat? I'm no the sharing type, Winston.
I won the bet, and what's mine's mine.
That's the way I like it.
MEOW I thought you suited that beard.
Aye, but once I knew I'd lost, I just wanted it off, you know? I see you're back to 5'2".
5'8", you cheeky big bastard.
Me dyeing my hair Paul-McCartney-brown, as well.
And it'll no be long till you're back to normal.
The bastard on the 42 widnae accept my bus pass.
I had to pay full price! WHIMPERS Say hello to MrTwilight.
Aw, Shug! Well done, Shug.
Well deserved, Shug.
What can I tell you, eh? My years in the Navy.
My specialised skill-set.
I am an outdoor man.
What about the wig? Oh, they never even noticed it.
To Mr Twilight - Shug! And Mrs Twilight - Edith! Wow, Edith.
You look huhuman.
What did you do wi' your hairy moles? They took them aff.
There's a wee keepsake.
And your hump? Turns out it wisnae curvature of the spine.
It was just fluid.
JACK GAGS What can I get the glamorous girl? A pina colada? A Cuba libre? Pint of Guinness.
Look who it is, Joe.
A wolf in sheepish clothing.
I'm sorry, Joe.
My feet were sore and I just wanted a shot.
Nae harm done, son.
We'll say no more about it.
You're lucky, son.
Another chance.
You are at a fork in the road.
Down one path, a life of petty crime and infamy.
The other road? Hard work, reward, respect.
HOWLS LIKE A WOLF