Still Open All Hours (2013) s05e07 Episode Script

Series 5, Episode 7

Ha! Oh, Mrs Flowers sends her regards.
Oh, bless her.
Hey, hang on, do we know a Mrs Flowers? I don't.
You must.
She stopped me in the street.
She said, "You're Granville's boy.
"Tell him Mrs Flowers sends her regards.
" Then she gave me this big wink.
Well, you can take it back, because I don't know any Mrs Flowers.
That's not what that wink said.
I don't care what the wink said, the wink must be lying! Oh, oh! Oh, yes, go good morning.
Guess who we've just seen, mini-skirted up in Cooper Street? Apparently, you once got your cufflinks caught in her blouse.
It's stories like that that can get people into trouble.
Oh, she certainly gave that impression.
She said you used to keep her bread rolls warm.
There's no favouritism in this shop.
All my customers are cheated equally.
No, treated treated equally.
Do you know what's just gone past? Years of my life doing this getting-up-early thing.
You don't know what early is.
In my day, we used to get up so early, we passed ourselves going to bed.
Half the people my age will just be going to bed.
Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, quiet.
I'm listening to this till.
I'm getting just this hint of a mellow Christmas spirit.
Huh, uh? Ssh.
Let's see.
There you are.
There.
And the notes.
There.
Oh, ah! Maybe it were lying.
Me dad used to lie.
Turns out he wasn't me dad.
Well, didn't your mother know? I'm not sure, they didn't talk a lot.
How's your bacon? Doing very nicely, thank you.
How's yours? Does that mean it's not all curled up like yesterday? Do you mean to say you don't like our approach to bacon? We spend hours, me and him, curling it.
It's a customer service.
I love the way you can lie without even thinking.
I like me bacon flat.
Well, you're a fuss-pot, then, aren't you? What you do, you go home, you put the frying pan on, it gets hot, put the bacon in, the bacon curls, don't it? We're doing half the work for you, yeah? Ready when you are, Granville.
For what? Leave it with me.
I'll think of something.
And in case you're wondering where I am, Mr Newbold is taking me for some Christmas shopping.
In case you're wondering where I am, I'm taking Mrs Featherstone for some Christmas shopping.
We should invite Gastric for Christmas dinner.
I'll send him something round.
It's not the same.
You'll feel rotten if you leave him in that house all alone.
I'll fight it.
It could be snowing.
I can see him, huddled round his little fire, re-reading his only Christmas card.
Well, it's one more than last year.
How do you know he got one? Because I sent it to him.
Oh.
From you.
He's got the cake we made, and he's got central heating, double glazing, and he's got his dog.
Oh, that's another thing.
I think we should invite the dog.
They leave hairs in the carpet! So don't play with Gastric on the carpet! Listen to me.
Hm? Mince pies, you've bought too many.
You can never have too many when the price is right.
Well, don't think you can feed them to me.
I'm not spending the next three months living on old mince pies.
You know those Roman swords, don't you? Well, they have that great big knob on the top.
And this is related to mince pies how? Well, they used to unscrew that knob, right, and it had a hollow inside where they used to place their mince pie, nice and snug, till after the battle.
I don't think mince pies had even been invented then.
No, not here, not in Britain, no! We were too busy running around half-naked and blue.
Yeah, they painted themselves blue.
I knew that.
No, no.
It were the weather, weren't it? You can wriggle all you like.
Yeah, well, they had to do that in order to keep warm.
Right But the truth is we've got to many.
Right, well, we'll have to think about selling them as, um I know, mistletoe mince pies, eh? They're not going to fall for that again.
Getting the people to fall for that again is the speciality of the house.
There's your books, you're stamped, get out of here.
I can't leave you in the clutches of a Gerald.
He's just some flash in the pan - here today, gone tomorrow.
We grew up together.
That's how they hide it.
Just Go! You can't keep coming in here.
How did you even get involved with a Gerald? People go through entire lives without even seeing one.
Right behind you is the door.
Use it.
I'll see you after work.
Now go.
Yes! Come here! OK, yes.
Ah, George and Annie Thompson, 50 years married this Christmas, eh? I'm glad you told him.
I don't think he's noticed.
Ah, she's sulking, ha-ha.
She wants to go to Cleethorpes for a second honeymoon.
Oh, now you've had some practice, it could go smoother than the first.
Well, when have we had practice? My thought exactly.
I don't remember either.
I can't get him away from his allotment.
Well, you like the broad beans.
Yeah, but he can't be doing much gardening this time of the year, can he? Oh, no, I just put some winter seed in.
If I turn me back, the birds will have it.
Well.
She'll go on her own.
Very fashionable, you know, a single-person second honeymoon, hm! We've got everything we need to make this place of yours look more like Christmas.
Got everything we need to make the whole street look more like Christmas! Oh, calm yourself, man.
I need a cup of tea.
I need something that isn't wrapped in glitter.
And here I am, glitter free, as nature intended.
Put a bit of whisky in it.
It was in the plan.
Oh, Newbold, you're an old grump.
But there's a cure for that.
No! No, Delphine.
If I didn't have to keep my options open, I'd tighten up the slack in your braces.
You're next.
She's mad at me for making a suggestion.
Ooh, sounds interesting.
It wasn't.
I had to drag him here.
He needs tidying up for George and Annie's anniversary party.
You make me sound like I'm 14.
Since when did you pass 12? I think that's yours.
Or it could be his.
Or-or maybe Oh, think of it as a lottery, try your luck.
What was this suggestion, then? It's what you and I were talking about.
Camping, getting back to nature.
Back? You've never been there in the first place.
You should pay more attention.
I'm an outback person.
A bushman.
And he's the same.
It's in our DNA.
Our ancestors were hunter-gatherers.
I thought your dad repaired bicycles.
Oh, he's talking further back.
He's talking rubbish, at which he's fluent.
All I said was, "For our next holiday, why don't we go camping?" Hey, I should keep quiet, we're in a female habitat.
He lives in one, he should be used to it.
I know.
And it's going to stop.
That's my New Year's resolution.
Oh, happy New Year! What's Factor X? He'll think of something.
Factor X was banned, you know, by the Puritans, along with dancing, flirting and heavy breathing.
Need I say more? What's in it? For you, six in a box.
That's six romantic experiences in a pack.
Do they really have this stimulating effect? We have testimonials from as far afield as Cooper Street.
Oh, Cooper Street's been stimulated ever since they had double glazing.
However, since it's the festive season, I'll take a box.
Ah.
I'd better make that two.
Is this one for you, Mr Newbold? Thank you, Granville, but my days of excitement are over.
They were never all that strenuous.
In my day, we used to care for the crease in our trousers.
It rather limited one's options.
You've had days of excitement? Will you kindly explain that they were not with me? Oh, yes, I can vouch for that! And what about you and these mischievous little mince pies, Granville? How many do you need before you feel the uplift? I can't do uplift any more, no, on account I'm on the last notch of me money belt.
Oh.
Oh, a bit of physiotherapy'll soon have you fit for purpose.
Come on, Mr Newbold, Christmas excitement has only just begun.
Ye gods, there's more? Now, Granville, there'll always be a warm mince pie waiting for you.
Oh, heck.
Oh, she'll be back, I know it, oh.
Hee oh! Sorry.
Mistletoe mince pies? You're repeating yourself.
You're on the back foot.
You're losing it.
We expect more originality from the personal grocer to the fascinating Mrs Flowers.
Oh! Oh Hey, listen, no offence.
Sorry if we've come at a bad time.
Bad news is always worse at Christmas.
No Sorry, no, no, you don't mind me, it was just .
.
it's just a little message of appreciation that I've found, you know, rather touching.
Very occasionally Very occasionally, you get a thank-you from a customer that Well, I don't know, makes it all worthwhile.
Excuse us.
Ye-yeah.
One minute.
Hm-hm.
Short heads together.
Hm, yeah.
Hey? I've never seen him like this.
You think he has no finer emotions, and then It's a scam! I was thinking that.
Where do you come up with all this stuff? Without looking embarrassed? "Dear Mr Arkwright ".
.
wishing you as pleasant a surprise this Christmas "as your wonderful mistletoe mince pies "have given me and my now very satisfied wife.
"Yours gratefully," etc, etc.
There's no signature.
It's a forgery.
It's one of many received from customers who will not be going away this Christmas because they'll be having too much fun at home.
It's your handwriting.
Hm? Well, yes! Well, do you know, I thought myself how similar it was, yes.
I bet we find your fingerprints all over it.
Speaking of which, brings us back to Mrs Flowers.
Watch my lips.
Nobody believes in your mistletoe mince pies! All right, please yourself, but don't come running to me after Christmas when you've got a cold north wind blowing through your new pyjamas .
.
and you've got icicles dangling from every hormone, because we will be sold out.
Ha! Oh, heck.
They're getting harder down here.
I hope you're doing better where you are.
You've got all the believers up there! You can't go wrong, eh? On the other hand, if you can't duck and dive a bit, eh? Yeah? Tricky, hm.
I wonder how you are coping with scrupulous honesty.
I need something dramatic to restore their faith in mistletoe mince pies.
How come Beth's still seeing Gerald? She's always been with Gerald, since they were kids.
So she's due a break.
You should leave them alone - don't break it up.
You're the one who's loopy for him - why don't you break it up? Because she's my best friend.
Besides, he never looks at me.
That was before we got you done up.
Look at you now, you're halfway human.
Cheeky! I mean it, look at you.
Never seen you in a skirt, or without a hard hat.
No, and it wouldn't make any difference.
He's probably scared of you.
How often do you hit him? I never hit him! You're always hitting me! Well, you're born for it.
Gerald's a gentleman.
She's wasting her time on him.
She can't even see that she comes second to his golf.
Well, what's your handicap? You at the moment.
You won't even make a try for him.
Is there a choice in who you fall for? There's a choice in how hard you go for it.
He'd laugh at me.
Well, then you'd see much he's worth.
And he wouldn't laugh at you, not now.
Look at you, hey? You look great when you smile, you've got shape, you've got legs all the way to Scunthorpe.
That is not an acceptable description for someone with a degree in engineering.
That's another thing - let him see you can afford him.
Shut up.
Oh, you're in a better mood! Yes, yes, I am.
Because I've come up with a solution of how to shift those mistletoe mince pies, and it's in two words - George Thompson! Sorry, I-I'm going to need it in more than two words, cos you've already lost me.
All right, listen, we need to convince people that our mistletoe mince pies can put the romance back in any relationship.
So all we have to do is persuade George to whisk his wife Annie off to Cleethorpes for a second honeymoon, and then we make people think that it was due to our mistletoe mince pies.
There's passion in the pastry, lust in the crust.
He'll never go for it.
Everybody knows she can't drag him away from his allotment.
He'll be worried about his winter seeds.
Yes What if we got him a scarecrow? Hey, you know, to scare off the birds? That make sense.
It's not a bad idea.
You'd have to find one pretty quick, though.
Yeah, you're right.
Oh, I'm sorry if I'm a bit flushed.
I've just had to readjust Mr Newbold's trimmings.
He told me was going to Mongolia for Christmas.
Yes, well, I soon put paid to that.
I hope Annie and George enjoy their party.
Do you think they suspect anything? They don't know about it.
I've just done her hair, they haven't a clue! She looked lovely.
What about him? Oh, I wouldn't say lovely.
He was asleep.
50 years will do that.
I heard they still have a very loving relationship.
You still have to sleep.
Yeah, you've still got to ask yourself, is he dreaming of his Annie or his artichokes? Right, come on.
There's nobody about.
Hey, come on! Gastric will be bringing George back from the pub any minute now.
Hurry up.
Are you sure there's nobody about? Of co There isn't! Look, it's a winter's day.
Now come on, I've got to get back to the shop.
Let's get you into position, shall we? If anybody recognises me, I'll have to leave the area.
Oh, come on, no-one's going to recognise you, no-one.
Even I don't recognise you.
Now, listen, you're doing great.
You're a you're a natural! All right.
Now, don't forget your line.
Yeah, engraved on my memory.
All right, let's hear you say it.
Now? Yes, now.
Oh Lighten up, George.
Take Annie to Cleethorpes! Yes.
Hey-up.
Here they come.
Oh, what is this? That is fantastic! You'd swear it was real! It's a work of art, is this.
You wouldn't be surprised, would you, if you could hear it speak, yeah? Oh, no, not a bit, I'd believe it.
But, you know, funny thing, they do say that nature has a strange way of communicating with its admirers.
Well, that'd be me, then.
I love this patch of ground.
Lighten up, George.
Take Annie to Cleethorpes.
Did you hear that? Hm? Hear what, sorry? Scarecrow, it spoke.
It said, "Take Annie to Cleethorpes.
" It's a personal message, obviously.
I told you, me and nature, we're like that.
Hang on, it's more like that.
Is that that like? Yeah, that's it, that's me and nature.
So, what can you do when nature speaks? Me and our lass, I guess we're off to Cleethorpes! That were good.
I tell you what, you were great.
Let's get changed.
Just glad nobody saw me.
Leroy? Oh! Uh, no, actually no.
No, Wollstonecraft, Maximillian Wollstonecraft, no connection with any Leroy.
Who are you talking to, Leroy? I told you - weird.
And when the meal is over, Father Christmas will toast the happy couple.
Happy couple? Uh, not you and me this time, Woburn, dear.
Have you got a beard? A beard? We could knock something up, if you'll pardon the expression.
Why would I need a beard? Ohh You told me to come to the community hall to help with the decorations.
And look how decorative you're going to be! Come on.
Oh, ohh Yes! Ta-da! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Here we are.
Right.
Where's the happy couple? Well, you said you wanted it to be a surprise, didn't you? Well, surprise, surprise, he's whisked her off to Cleethorpes for a second honeymoon! But I thought she couldn't get him away.
Well, she couldn't, but it only took one of my mistletoe mince pies, Aren't you glad we bought two packs? These damn mince pies! What are we going to do with all this stuff? Have we been too hasty? I were wondering that.
We can't waste it.
Let's have a Christmas party! Oh, look.
Oh, it's been a busy day, especially that last-minute rush on mince pies.
I thought our Leroy was a brilliant scarecrow.
He scared those two birds off! I expect they'll be back.
Did she really have to be a vegan? Couldn't he start slowly, with an agnostic? I'd better get changed and back to that party.
Merry Christmas, Madge.
Oh! You shouldn't do this, I've told you! Oh, it's lovely.
Dinner tomorrow, my place.
Bring your dog.
Let's talk strategy.
I'm listening.
When do you reckon is top time for turning a wife's thoughts to mistletoe mince pies? Mid-morning coffee break.
Mid-morning? Well, they'll be full up by night, they'll have been scoffing all day.
What about their body clock? Is mid-morning a good time? Very good time.
I reckon any time's a good time.
Keep it on! On? It's the opposite of off, you'll get the hang of it.
It's hot, it's hairy.
Yes, I know the feeling, I was once propositioned by a man like that.
Keep it on.
I want them to notice when we leave early.
Are we leaving early? I want them to see you dragging me away.
I want them to see the Newbold who cannot be denied! What? Me New Year's resolution.
I watch you scuffling around the house, I'm thinking, "That woman deserves a break.
" I am not going camping.
I'm not talking camping.
I'm talking mid-morning coffee break.
Of which we do not do.
But we're going to start.
We should do it often.
Make a feature of it.
A gentle interlude to the rhythm of our days.
Hm.
Another New Year's resolution? It is, and I'm sticking to it.
Mid-morning coffee? Maybe a biscuit.
Ooh, and a biscuit.
Or something.
Hm.
So, what did you have in mind? Nothing! You know me.
Open mind.
You are transparent, Eric.
You're made of glass! OK.
What do you mean, you think I'm weird? It's just someone wishing you a merry Christmas.
Yeah, and that comes from me and Maximillian Wollstonecraft.
He's dragging me away! Once the flame is lit, you can't reason with them.
Don't forget, Granville, there's always a warm mince pie waiting for you.
You're invited for Christmas dinner.
Gastric will be there.
And his dog.
Unless, of course, you're going to Mrs Flowers' That's naughty.
You do know that I don't go anywhere without me money belt? So bring your money belt.
All right, but I warn you I'll jingle all the way!