Still Open All Hours (2013) s06e03 Episode Script

Series 6, Episode 3

1 If I could get Madge fixed up with Gastric, I might be able to persuade Mavis to move in here.
Excuse me? What happens to me? Oh, there'll always be a place for you, Leroy.
Might be next door, but always a place.
You'd never let me go next door, I might oversleep.
Sleep is for customers, give it up.
A shopkeeper lives like a monk, full of discipline and poverty.
What about chastity? Yeah, I'm trying to give that up as well.
It's time you did, made an honest woman of Mavis.
No, she'll never leave, Madge.
I've got to try and get Gastric moving.
You'd think he'd never heard of misbehaviour.
Can I ask, what are you doing with those two aftershaves? Ah, well, you see, this one didn't sell, right? And this one didn't sell.
So I thought maybe it would work if I blended the two with an addition of our own.
- Like what? - Like this.
Honey.
Smooths out the edges.
Won't it be sticky? Means it stays on longer.
That's our marketing strategy.
"Arkwright's, "for the scent that lasts all day.
" Whether you like it or not.
Now, don't be negative.
Now we've got our own product, you see, we can invent our own label.
Rubbish by Arkwright? No, I was thinking something more unmistakably masculine.
Jockstrap? No.
Why give the Scots all the credit? What about Butch? Oh, heck! Yeah, I suppose you think that's funny.
Go on, get on! What are you wearing those things for? My eyes are still asleep.
I didn't want to wake them.
In my day, we had to get up so early that, if we didn't wake up when it were yesterday, we'd overslept.
Morning.
Morning.
Okay, what you selling me for breakfast? Aftershave.
For breakfast? What? You dab it on your cornflakes? No, you dab it on yourself, and then you'll smell lovely all day.
But don't go near any beehives.
I don't do aftershave.
I like to smell natural.
Old rubber tyres and diesel.
That's why you're not getting close enough to Madge.
I don't like to rush things.
How can you say that when we've seen you eating? I'll get there.
Oh, well, then, you've come to the right place, haven't you? Yeah, special offer.
There you are.
- You buy the aftershave - Yeah.
and you get the bottle free.
There, there, right.
Madagascar? They came in a van from Macclesfield.
I do believe that Macclesfield is twinned with Madagascar.
You keep telling people they bring good luck, but I think they're spooky.
Ah, that's because you can feel their power.
These are made by an ancient tribe in honour of their sacred animal.
- From Macclesfield? - Yes.
One of these furry creatures is helping the Black Widow with her driving lessons.
Ey up! Here she comes now.
Why is Mrs Featherstone learning to drive at her age? You Don't knock it, keeps her away from me.
I could let you have one of these at a very special price.
Hold him for a minute while I work out what it is.
That'll be 40 Madagascan shekels.
That is converted to the euro, and you divide the euro by the pound which, at that going rate, would be And you take away the number you first thought of.
With the Oh, give us £17.
40, go on.
Do I strike you as a cuddly toy person? You are forgetting his special powers.
I'm still trying to forget the price.
You know, 74% of people who own this lovable companion have reported an increase in happiness and confidence.
It's a lump of cloth in a wig! The Black Widow, she bought one.
It's doing magical things for her driving.
That sloth isn't working.
You should've seen it before she got it.
Here she is, Formula 1! How are the driving lessons going? No-one tells you what fun accelerating is! But should you do it backwards? Oh, it's even more fun backwards.
When I get my licence, I'll probably always go backwards.
It looks like something's overtaken your hat.
Can I ask, when you shot past, did I hear your instructor shouting? Into his phone, he was resigning.
I don't think they should be allowed to make personal calls.
How many instructors have you had? Five.
The fifth just dropped me off.
I don't think he gave me the full hour.
I bet it felt like the full hour to him.
Oh, Mrs Featherstone, have you met Mrs Rossi? Oh, what? The Italian woman? Yes, our paths have crossed.
Only Italian by marriage.
I never really lost certain Anglo-Saxon attitudes.
Mrs Rossi has very kindly offered to help with the bring-and-buy.
- Oh, do we need any help? - Well, don't we always? I've always been grateful for help ever since I nearly drowned at Scarborough.
Well, how were we supposed to know that you were drowning? You kept it very quiet.
Well, you don't like to make a fuss.
Careful! You got me comfy cardi in there.
You've been together too long.
It's going to the bring-and-buy.
Hang on! My mother knitted me this.
To keep you prisoner.
Look, it's nearly down to your ankles.
You look like you're in the chain gang.
You got some of my favourite pieces in there! Favourite pieces that you never wear because they don't fit you any more.
Well, the cardigan does.
Almost.
Don't you like me loose and baggy? You know, you're not feeling my pain.
You don't do pain, you run to your mother's.
Yeah, well, I get more sympathy there.
She's not realistic.
She's still got your first dummy.
What if somebody I don't like buys these? How do you think I'm going to feel, watching another bloke strutting his stuff in my threads? Oh, Eric, it's for charity! And they need my woollies? You'll get that warm glow that only comes from generous giving.
Look, all these items are going to be on my stall.
If you really want 'em, you can buy 'em back.
What kind of deal is that? It might lead me into feeling like showing you my gratitude.
Well, can we fill in some detail here? Are we talking like right now? Sorry, what you're being offered is part of my aftersales promotion.
Check with me after the bring-and-buy.
- You were married once? - Don't ask me how.
Seemed to happen without much input from me.
I know the feeling.
You? Yes, me! Just because I can wear clothes doesn't mean I don't go through life wondering, "What next?" Well, that's it, isn't it? Everybody else seems to know.
Or they fake it better.
What was your husband like? He married beneath him.
I know this because he told me.
We were on honeymoon at the time.
I came back early.
Good for you.
I got the wrong bus.
Have you got any Yes, we have.
Do come in, don't leave half of you outside it's untidy.
You haven't even heard what it is I want.
But I know what you want.
Call it shopkeeper's intuition, only the best of us have it.
Go on, then, what is it? There he is.
I promised him a good home.
Say hello to Daddy.
Hello, Daddy! That's not what I came in for, and I don't like the look of the hairy thing.
Don't, please.
You'll hurt its feelings.
It's a toy.
They don't have feelings.
These do, and they arouse feelings.
Take one of these home and give it to your loved one and, oh! You see me with one of those? I'm an outdoor guy, I do dangerous sports.
How's your love life? That's one of the dangerous sports.
Not any more.
Not if you take advantage of this double special offer.
Oh, another one! Well, I'll tell you what I told the rest, keep your hands to yourself.
I don't want any accidental fumbling with my knee.
Right, now, take this, it'll bring you luck.
Well, are you coming or not? I see.
No praise! Playing hardball, are we? Cyril bought one.
But Cyril doesn't have the same hard core of steel inside him as me.
You've been to Spain, France, Italy, obviously, but when were you last in Madagascar? Well, do they even have sloths in Madagascar? Oh, yes.
Deep in the mystical rainforest, where the wise men go to repair their shortage of women.
I know the feeling.
But why are they short of women? Well, the women keep leaving because the men won't wear anything in bed other than their traditional tribal belts.
Well, are the women being fair? I mean, it must be a bit hot for pyjamas.
And they're made out of the sacred thistle.
I can see why that might be counter-productive.
So, you see, the women they have to be lured back, and that's where these little fellas come in.
Conclusion would be, don't have your honeymoon in Madagascar.
It wasn't a riot in Skeggy, but Are you seriously telling me these things can pull the women? They're built around the most powerful love spells in Madagascan magic.
Where do you come up with this stuff? It's not me, no, it's in the leaflet.
When you buy one of these, with the full set of instructions.
What kind of instructions would you need for a cuddly toy? None if you don't want to realise their full potential.
Full potential? By doing what? By handing this cuddly little fellow to the female of your choice and whispering in her ear the sacred word.
The sacred word? What is the sacred word? No, no, no! That comes with your first purchase.
I'll take one.
How much was it? £17 - 20 for cash.
- 20? And the sacred word And the sacred word is Winkey? Means a lot more in Madagascan.
Stop looking at your watch.
- So, where are they? - On their way.
Leroy promised me he'd bring Willis here.
What I want in my life is someone who lights up when they look at me.
You want a smoker? You know what I mean.
Where's Willis? His mother wouldn't let him out.
Well, didn't you tell her he had a date? I don't think Willis would use the word "date" in front of his mother.
They never want to come.
I never get past the first date.
First dates are horrible.
I know, I'm becoming an expert.
Who's been raining on your parade? Can I help it if Willis is a prisoner? His mother could put on a face like that, even from behind.
Shop! There's nobody here! Yes, there is, there's me and there's you.
Now, what's wrong? Beth thinks I'm unreliable.
Only first thing in the morning.
I think she's going off me.
This'll bring her back.
£2.
50.
Where are you going? Anywhere.
Well, what about the car? Keep it.
Keep the car.
And I'll tell you something else.
When he's under pressure, his language is appalling.
I have been barred, Granville! I have been blacklisted by every motoring school in this town.
You can still terrify on foot, though.
I had such plans to whisk Mr Newbold off to other parts.
Well, can't he drive you? No, he won't drive us any distance.
He says I go too fast.
- What? As a passenger? - Yes, I know, it's weird, isn't it? Where am I going to find another instructor, Granville? Oh, look at you.
You qualified driver, you! How would you like to put your L plate on Delphine? Where is Gastric? Gastric! Where is Gastric? Hello, Mavis.
- Gastric! - I'll pay for the petrol! No, this is me saying no.
Think of the effect it will have on Madge.
Think of the effect it'll have on me if Mrs Featherstone wrecks my Mini! I love that Mini.
Yeah, but you love Madge.
It's not the same.
You can't change their oil or tune anything.
All right.
Look at me in the eyes and imagine that I am Madge.
Where's this going? Just look at me in the eyes, right? See the admiration? You've knocked me off my feet.
I'm falling for you.
Can't we just stay friends? Grocer, customer, keep it simple? Not me, you fool! It's Madge that's not going to be able to resist you.
Oh, I'm glad about that.
For a moment, I nearly cancelled me bacon order.
Look, Gastric.
Listen, this could be your moment.
You could be the man who taught the Black Widow the three-point turn! I can't believe Gastric's going to step into a car with Mrs Featherstone driving.
I mean, he's not stupid.
It was only yesterday you were telling him he was stupid.
Well, he is stupid, but he's not this stupid.
You like him, don't you? You get used to him, he's amiable.
It's like having your own black Labrador.
Right, I'll be off, then.
- Don't think you're impressing anybody.
- She's lying.
How far do you think you're going with this woman, then? A couple of hill starts, reversing around corners.
She's too fast for you.
- What do you care? - I don't.
Oh, for goodness' sake, just grab him and take him inside! What's that stuff? It's called Butch, glad you like it.
Well, you'd better come in, anyway.
Where's she going with my qualified driver? Granville? You've only to say the word, and I would give up driving and Mr Newbold.
Oh, no, no, no! I tell you what, Mrs Featherstone, you get in the car, and I'll be your qualified driver.
Oh, Granville! Goodbye, Mavis.
Goodbye, Granville.
- I Leroy! - Yes? You look after the shop.
Be careful! Where'd you get the key? - I borrowed it from Kath.
- Does she know? Do you tell your wife everything? She usually finds out anyway.
What colour's your cardigan? Sort of grey.
Nothing flash, then? You can't always go flash.
What's wrong with comfort? Even if it's sort of grey? I've found it! Hey, you're right! It's really grey.
I knew you would! You stole my key! Hey, borrowed! Kath, I love this cardigan.
You promised to forsake all others.
But not cardigans.
- May I suggest - No! What you can do, if you want this old thing, is buy it! Me own cardigan! Which is now for sale on my stall for charity.
Aftersales promotion included? Terms and conditions apply.
Oh, dear! Oh, please, Mrs Featherstone! I'm sure that's not in the Highway Code.
Oh, get out of it! No! Help! Get off! Help! Help! Granville should be back by now.
I'm worried the Black Widow's whipped him away for a weekend in Whitby.
They do good fish and chips.
That won't be why.
This is like teach yourself boredom.
Oh, well, what's the hurry? Hey, we've still got to wait for Willis anyway.
That's if his mum lets him out.
It's Granville.
Where are you? No, the shop is fine! What do you mean, you're in a ditch? You're waiting for a tow? Are you both all right? You sound out of breath.
Well, finally, Willis.
- Hello, Beth.
- You don't say hello to me? Well, I was about to.
I don't know what's going off there.
Can hear all sorts of weird noises.
How long's he going to be? I've no idea.
- Come on, Willis.
- Where to? - Round here's private as it gets.
- Well, what's round here? Let's find out.
Where's your sense of adventure? That sounds just like the noises on the phone, that.
- Do you think he'll be all right? - He's doing better than you are.
Well, then.
Welcome to my parlour.
What's behind there? A mouse with a bad leg.
Just the one? Well, unless they're all faking a bad leg.
I like it, you're looking after an injured mouse.
Which does remind me, actually.
Shall we check on him No! Winkey.
It's been a longish day.
What have we learned? Never spend time in a ditch with Mrs Featherstone.
She can change gear faster than I can reverse.
That woman has her own version of how to park in a confined space.
People think her trouble is she drives too fast.
They should see how she moves when the vehicle's stationary.
I love it, and it's vegetarian.
When's your next driving lesson? Go on, on your way, and mind that sloth! I don't want you coming home smiling as though you've just come back from Madagascar.