Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e11 Episode Script

The Christmas Show

Previously on Studio 60: On Monday, I'm gonna start to build a city in China.
There's an American consortium including TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand.
We're investing $20 billion in Macau to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia.
- We're this close.
- Hmm.
I just drove us Take it the last yard.
Put it in the damn house.
- It's strange that you're here.
I don't think so.
Really? - There are lots of men here.
- They're the fathers.
You think all of them? Excuse me.
Are there any men here who are neither the husband nor the father? Get your hand down.
At 12 weeks, a healthy baby would be about two inches long and weigh less than an ounce.
If you're under 35 I'm under 35.
- This is no time for vanity.
- I'm under 35.
All right, say you're under 35.
Then you're not considered a high-risk mother, and as a result, no - What is that word? - "Amniocentesis.
" Good.
No amniocentesis is required.
If you were over 35, then what we gotta do is stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach and get fluid from your prenatal girth.
- Why are you here? - Morale.
I really don't need help.
Not now, but you will soon because this says you'll have to make a journey to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
- Danny.
- Wait, that can't be you.
- No.
- It's an Alaskan king crab that does that.
- Why won't you tell me who the father is? - You don't know him.
- I don't wanna know.
- How do you know? Because if it was someone I wanted to know, he'd be here.
- What makes you think I told him? - Because I do know you.
Jordan? Thank you.
Yes, I told him.
"Well, it's entirely up to you, kiddo.
" - Yeah.
- "But I'll pay for everything.
No worries in that department.
" Step behind the partition and put on this gown.
- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
So who was it? My ex-boyfriend.
- Whoa.
- Yes.
- Wait.
- Ironic.
The guy from Great Western Mutual who ratted me out on the drug test? Yeah.
Was sleeping with him to get that information really worth it? I didn't sleep with him to get the information.
He gave the information so he could sleep with me.
Still, integrity, all over the place.
- This is the time for a lecture? - No, that was about 12 weeks ago.
Did you and the last honest man get loaded on J├Ągermeister and forget that there's like - Jordan.
How are you? - Daniel Tripp.
- Ahh, the husband.
- We're not married.
- The boyfriend, then.
- No, I'm the executive producer.
- Oh, hey, you're Danny Tripp.
- Yes, sir.
- The show's great.
- Thanks a lot.
- I just Heh.
I love Nicolas Cage in all the different jobs you've got him.
- Couples counselor, shop teacher - Thanks, I'll pass that along.
Fellas, I'm a little exposed here.
Let's get started.
You're not planning on staying and watching, are you? No, this stuff makes me a little queasy.
I'm just gonna step over here, but I'm right here for you.
I don't know how I got so lucky.
There is a small chance we can determine the sex on ultrasound.
- Are you interested? - No.
- Yes.
- She'll take yes.
And doc, if you don't detect any maleness on the first pass don't necessarily assume it's a girl.
The biological father is only a fraction of a man to begin with.
- Is that right? - Stop it.
He's an executive at my studio's insurance company.
He gave Jordan information in order to sleep with her.
He's a real standup guy.
He offered to pay for everything.
- Jackass.
Thank you, sir.
- Have you told anyone? - Just my assistant, Kevin, that's it.
And Mr.
- I had to tell him.
- She wanted to.
I was semiconscious.
Had to make sure he wouldn't force a B12 injection on me.
You've described the beginning of every great love story.
No one else knows? You don't tell people until after the 12th week, and this is it.
Well, guess what.
- What? - Start telling people.
- We're having a baby? I'm having a baby.
Relax, you'll be involved.
Good morning.
- Everybody have a good weekend? Yeah.
- Matt? What's that? - Yeah.
- It's a Christmas tree.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What are you, Linus? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I carry the true meaning of Christmas.
- You carry a dead Christmas tree.
Okay, Ebenezer.
First, all Christmas trees are dead.
Been chopped down.
Second, I forgive you for slagging my tree because I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
Andy, what do we got? - We have a year in review theme.
- Okay.
Lucy? Something where the Yugoslavians honor all the famous people who died in 2006.
- It's a series of glamour shots of Milosevic.
- Maybe.
- Killer spinach on trial.
- Okay.
A Day Without a Mexican, Brokeback Mountain.
- Kim Jong-il.
- Okay, but what about Christmas? - What about it? - It's our Christmas show.
- Yeah, I thought we'd ignore that.
- Why? - Because Wes always ignored it.
- I know, but you know why? Because it's L.
, and it's 85 degrees.
- We're doing a Christmas show.
- L.
Doesn't feel like Christmas.
We'll make it feel like Christmas.
We can put your tree on the stage, and it'll be like Dickensian London.
That happens to be a Noble Fir.
Those things grow to 200 feet.
I don't think that one's gonna make it.
How is it I'm Jewish and I'm the only one with Christmas spirit? How is it I'm the only Jew in a comedy writers' room? All good questions, but take advice from your Protestant brothers.
Let's do the year in review and screw Christmas.
Screw Christmas? - Uh-oh.
Not on my watch.
Look, I hate Los Angeles, but I have to work here in any other part of the country, I'm unemployable.
So we are going to deck the halls with boughs of holly.
I wanna hear sketch ideas with Santa and Rudolph and chestnuts and burning logs.
- We can set the tree on - Shut up.
- Hey.
- How are you? Good.
Know anybody who got hit in the earthquake? - There was an earthquake? - 4.
1 about 10 miles northwest of Fontana.
A dozen injuries, some houses came down, but the real damage was to the freeway.
- The 10? What happened to it? - Yeah.
It split in half basically.
There's a 15-foot chasm.
It's a miracle no car flew headfirst into the thing.
- A Christmas miracle.
- That's right.
- Wes never did a Christmas show.
- I know.
- He thought it was cheesy.
- Doesn't have to be.
- It doesn't have to be.
- It doesn't.
This is a TV studio.
We can do any magic we want.
- We can do the magic of Christmas.
- We absolutely can.
I don't have anything written, but we need snow.
- That could be a problem.
- Why? Because our set dressing warehouses are in Fontana.
- Uh-huh.
- They collapsed.
- Really? - Well, not all the way, but enough.
Thanks for showing up to work.
What are you doing? Trying to find out if anyone is injured or dead.
- Everyone's fine.
- Couple warehouses came down.
They're made out of Jiffy Pop.
They'll be back up again.
- In the meantime, we need snow.
- What's he talking about? The three of us are gonna bring holiday romance to this city.
I'm the miracle on the Sunset Strip, you're, you know, two other guys.
Thank you.
- I'm with you.
- Our snow is in those warehouses.
- Can we make our own? - Sure.
- How? Bubbles? Sure, if this were a Don Ho Christmas.
Do we really need snow? Yeah, we need snow.
We need snowbanks, snowmen, snowballs.
- Snowballs.
- What about them? The things.
The pink marshmallows with the coconut on top.
Shaved coconut.
- Beautiful, they're indigenous to L.
They're not.
- They grow on palm trees.
- Not ours.
- What do ours do? - Nothing.
This city needs me.
Yeah, we all do.
Listen, close the door, would you? The reason I was late this morning was I was at the doctor.
- What's wrong? - Nothing, I'm fine.
It was an ob-gyn.
Jordan's pregnant.
- You're kidding.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- Who's the father? The guy from the insurance company who outed me.
He wants to pay for it but that's it.
So, you know, I'm gonna have him shove his wallet up his ass.
- Danny? - Yeah.
- Why were you at the doctor? - Hmm? Why were you at the doctor? I wanted to be.
- How's his mood? Son of a holy bitch.
- Never mind.
Son of a holy godforsaken bitch! I'm gonna get a gun.
I swear to God I am.
- Take your medicine.
- There is no medicine.
- There's no law.
- What happened? We did the news.
Which we're required by the government to do.
That's been the deal.
We get free use of the airwaves to broadcast your entertainment shows in exchange for which we provide the public with informational programming.
We call that the NBS Nightly News.
We're fighting two wars.
The news division thinks we should cover that, I agree.
What happened, Jack? An embedded reporter did a live remote last night about school rebuilding in Charikar, Afghanistan.
Our guy's interviewing a private, when an RPG screams over their head.
- What's an RPG? - A rocket propelled grenade.
It explodes into the rocks, and the private shouts a word.
- What word? - A word I don't use with women.
- He said - Yes.
Same word anyone would.
Same word Mr.
Rogers would use if a rocket propelled grenade missed him by 50 feet.
- Don't tell me - The FCC says it was indecent.
They're going to fine us $325,000 per affiliate that aired the news report.
- That's insane.
- No kidding.
It was a live news report.
You have to understand that pro-family groups support our troops in this time of war, as long as we don't have to see or hear what our troops fighting a war looks and sounds like.
L What do you need? Well, I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant.
I'm due in the middle of May.
- What? - I'm pregnant.
- You're having a baby? - Yes.
- That's fantastic.
- Really? Yeah.
Who's the father? An old boyfriend I got together with for a night.
- It's not very, you know - I'm sorry I yelled.
- Have a seat.
- Fight them, Jack.
Take them to federal court.
First Amendment issue.
First Amendment doesn't apply.
They'll look ridiculous in public, and they'll back down.
- Says you.
- They will.
If they don't, they'll pull our transponder license.
The one we use to beam our programming to the affiliates.
Then they'll take the licenses from the affiliates.
They'll end the network.
It's the news, Jack.
Congratulations on the baby.
Merry Christmas.
- Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
- What are you doing? Throwing my beach stuff in the laundry.
- When were you at the beach? - Yesterday.
- Isn't the sand on the floor now? - Better than a broken washing machine.
Wouldn't shaking the sand out of the towel back at the beach be best? And can we turn off "Hot Fun in the Summertime"? - Sure, what would you like to listen to? - Mr.
Bing Crosby, Mr.
Burl Ives.
- Perry Como? - Mr.
Perry Como.
- Was that a dig at Christmas? - At you.
- Okay.
Am I on for racquetball at lunch? - No, you're not.
- Zane's out sick the whole week.
- Oh, man.
- Want me to find someone else? - It's not the racquetball it's his trumpet.
We won't have it? - Hey.
- What do you know? Write in all the snow you want.
We bought a truckload of coconuts.
Hey, did you hear Zane's out for the week? Yeah, but Willy says he's got a good sub.
- You wanted us? Yeah.
- I'll see you.
- Turn it off.
- What'd you need? Any Christmas ideas you might have.
There's no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Jesus was born in North Africa.
How come in paintings he looks like one of the Bee Gees? Christmas ideas that don't shriek of meanness.
Hey, your people stole Jesus from my people.
Perhaps, but this is about everyone raising a glass of wassail.
- Of what? - Wassail.
"Here We Go A-Wassailing.
" It was a comet.
- What? - The Star of Bethlehem.
They saw a comet, and they went to a manger with a lamb a camel, and a kid with a fife.
A drum.
A boy and a drum, a little drummer.
There's a whole song.
It doesn't matter.
Go help these guys pitch me.
This could be a good chance to let Lucy get to know me.
- He likes Lucy now.
- The eyes, the face and everything.
- Got a great face.
- Step back.
- Why? I like her face.
- Aren't you 100 years old? - Aren't you only marginally talented? - Santa's helpers, out the door.
- It's a great face.
With the mouth? - I will beat you up.
Good one, Tommy.
You're as cute as a button.
Mondays, it's like the dementia grows by I'm not even talking to anybody right now.
- Suzanne.
Okay, I gotta go.
I called K-Earth 101.
I told them Matthew Albie wants to hear some Perry Como.
- You didn't.
- No, Christmas joke.
- Can you get me Harriet? - She's out at lunch with Luke Scott.
All right.
Wait, what? What kind of jerk has their agent set up a lunch? I don't know.
What kind of jerks are there? - What are my choices? - Should've said no.
- But you didn't.
- It's Christmas.
- What are your plans? - We're off until the second week in January.
So Jeannie and Samantha and I rented a place in Idaho and I'm gonna take skiing lessons.
I didn't mean for the holidays, I meant for the future.
- What do you mean? - What are your plans for the future? Really just the show Friday night and then the skiing lessons, and then the next show.
- How about a movie? - I'd love to.
I can't on weeknights, but pretty much every Saturday or Sunday is fine.
Yeah, or we could make a movie.
- Are you offering me a job? - Welcome to the lunch.
You talking about the Rolling Stones movie? Not the Rolling Stones.
It's Brian Jones who formed the Rolling Stones.
His girlfriend, Anita Pallenberg, ran off with Keith Richards.
Heath Ledger's playing the part.
- And you want me to play Tammy Wynette? - No.
I want you to play Anita Pallenberg.
Sometimes, it's hard to tell with you, Luke when you're kidding - You've got ability well beyond comedy.
I boarded you for 20 shooting days, which would be across your hiatus weeks.
And you'll get an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress.
Are you still mad I had the agents set up the lunch? Here's what we have so far.
One of Santa's reindeer, mildly traumatized by an accident last year is reluctant to pull the sleigh.
And so Santa brings in the reindeer whisperer.
That's fantastic.
Lucy, I love that idea.
I wanna do it.
I wanna go with you guys to Matt and Danny.
- It was Darius' pitch.
- Tell you why it's iffy.
- The Horse Whisperer was 10 years ago.
I'll tell you what else.
Rudolph got the names wrong.
It's not Donner, it's Dunder.
And Blixem, not Blitzen.
"We Three Wise Guys" The characters from Goodfellas on camels.
Hang on, it's not Dunder.
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name On, Dasher! On, Dancer! On, Prancer and vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Dunder and Blixem! That was "'Twas the Night Before Christmas.
" White guy writing a song for Montgomery Ward screwed up.
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas" was written by Jesse Jackson? "We Three Wise Guys" Nowhere in the Bible does it say there were three of them.
There was never a camel.
Didn't travel from afar.
It was six miles, and everything in the song is wrong.
- It was Lucy's pitch.
- Beautiful job, babe.
Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school.
You tell her about the time everybody thought you were gay.
- It's a big help having you guys here.
- Check it out.
- We really need to work.
- Gonna make prototype snow.
- Excellent.
- How do you open a coconut? It's actually pretty hard.
They do it with, like, a machete.
Stand back, pieces might fly.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to double his country's population to a hundred and twenty million people.
In a recent speech to Parliament, Ahmadinejad urged - She's got the slightest little overbite.
- We dipped into frame twice.
- Isn't that cute? - Howie may have been off his mark.
You wanna play some racquetball? I'm meeting with product-placement people.
- Hey, when's Jordan due? - Middle of May.
- What's she gonna do about the upfronts? - What is she gonna do about the upfronts? The network's gonna have to make them earlier.
Or later.
They can't do that.
Have someone else make the presentation.
She can't do that.
It's her first schedule.
- Biggest day of the year.
- Danny? - Yeah? - You're caring more about other people.
You said, "What's she gonna do about the upfronts?" Mine was an idle question, I moved on to other things.
- So was mine.
- No, it was genuine interest.
She's doing a good job.
- You defended her.
- What's wrong with that? For starters, no one's attacking her.
- Go write.
- Okay.
- What? - Nothing.
- Say it.
Just say it out loud.
- Nothing.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How was Luke? - Good.
- Lucas.
- Good.
- Lunch with Luke.
- What is your problem? It's Luke.
- I need to see Danny.
- About what? About a private conversation between me and Danny.
I'm an executive producer too.
I need to speak to the one who's important.
About Luke? All right.
Why don't we just get this over with now? I've been offered a part in his Rolling Stones movie.
- Anita Pallenberg? - That's right.
- How did you know? - I didn't, but you're great casting for that.
- Really? - Yeah, it's a great part.
Brian, Keith, Mick Jagger, they all considered her a musical confidante.
"Paint It Black" was all her.
You won't throw cold water on this because Luke's directing? Harry, I don't think you're getting how big a break this is for you.
No, I'm getting it.
I didn't think that you'd be getting it.
Of course I get it.
We'll make the schedule work any way we need to.
He says he can shoot me out in 20 days.
He's boarded them during hiatus weeks.
Whatever, it's Anita Pallenberg.
They would've broken up the band for her.
- I never would've expected this from you.
- Why not? No matter what, I've always been your biggest fan.
Thank you, Matthew.
Do you know what else is great? That Luke is able to spend $60 million of Paramount's money to date you again.
- Ow.
- Abs of granite, baby.
Hard as a rock.
You think he cast me so he can sleep with me? No, he cast you so he could marry you and sleep with other people.
- Ow.
When did this stomach happen? - Leg lifts with Jeannie.
- Oh-ho.
- Don't hurt yourself, Anita.
I'm going into Danny's office because he is a real man.
- Danny? - Yeah? - I'll come back later.
- Okay.
- Why do I even talk to you? - Little thing called macho.
- Say it.
Get out! Hi.
- I'm eating for two.
- At least.
- Hey, are you guys doing a Christmas show? - Yeah.
Yeah, we are.
Matt's got a real head of steam about it.
We're buying all the coconuts we can find.
You need coconuts for a Christmas show? I didn't hear you with the roll in your mouth.
- You need coconuts for a Christmas show? - To make snow.
- I'm glad you're doing it.
I miss home.
- Charlottesville.
That's right.
Most people think I'm from Massachusetts.
- No, you went to school in Massachusetts.
- Yeah.
Have you thought about the upfronts? You could go into labor in the middle of presenting your fall schedule to 3000 advertisers.
- Yeah, it's gonna be my gimmick.
- Seriously.
I'll figure something out.
Meeting someone in the building for lunch? No, I just came over because I realized the upfronts were right around your due date.
- Why didn't you call? - You're across the street.
And I'm a nut about exercise.
I'm in very good shape.
Can we get in a couple of extra bits? Yeah, there you go.
- This is what I'm talking about.
- Hey, Miracle, check it out.
It's a winter wonderland.
Yeah, and then later, you can make pina coladas.
Keep it up.
- Cal? Yeah.
What's going on with this? - What do you mean? - What's he doing? Gonna be reindeer in the balcony.
He's waving.
He's giving the Nazi salute.
- He's waving at the reindeer.
- Why wouldn't the reindeer be with him? When you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt All right, let's set logistics aside.
He's saying, "Heil Hitler.
" - I think you're reading too much into it.
- He's giving the Nazi salute.
- Now you've said it, that's all I see.
- It's all anybody can see.
- He's got the crazy eyes too.
- Yeah.
- Let's get rid of demented Santa Claus! - Thank you.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Thank you for the hat.
It came with a red velvet mini-skirt and garters.
- Would it make you feel better if I wore that? - It wouldn't hurt.
I'm just trying to save quarters for the laundry.
I understand.
Look at this.
This is nice.
Everybody together pitching out Christmas sketches for a Christmas show.
- Let me hear what you got.
- Christmas is a sham, Matt.
It's a ruse.
- It is.
Jesus was born in 5 B.
He wasn't born in December.
- Couldn't have been.
The description in Luke of the shepherd would put it in spring or fall.
And it turns out that the image of Santa Claus as we know it was invented in 1931 by an artist named Haddon Sundblom commissioned to do a portrait of Sinterklaas by the Coca-Cola Company.
The two of you brought them over to the dark side? I said there was no Star of Bethlehem, everybody got on the Internet for two days.
- Jesus was African.
- It was a comet.
Or possibly Ursa Major in the northern sky, but I'm not I don't care.
It doesn't matter.
- What the hell did you do to my tree? - I was drying my socks.
All right.
Context used to matter.
- We're not living in the land of used to.
- I understand.
- I'm explaining it to Jack.
- I understand.
NPR was able to run the wiretaps of John Gotti swearing because it was understood he was a bad guy.
As opposed to a soldier who's a role model.
Hang on.
What do you need? Can I sit in on the meeting? No.
How'd you get past my secretary? By telling her I was invited to the meeting.
This is corporate, and this is news, it's not entertainment.
Let me sit in.
I'll totally behave, I won't say a word.
- Jack? Yeah.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
Jordan McDeere, she's auditing.
You want, at any price, to avoid a war with federal regulators.
- Well Why? - They'll win.
They'll block media-related mergers, that's Macau.
Bounce you out of a spectrum auction, and your competitors will get greater power.
There a chance they'd single us out for? Need a menu? - No.
Apricot Danish.
- Is there a chance they'd single us out for? - Special indecency treatment? - You can count on it.
Yeah, Ian's right.
You've got shows where young people are talking about sex having sex, having homosexual sex, sex with strangers, threesomes.
They'll decide to take a closer look.
Hey, if you know about these shows, send them to me.
It's development season.
- I'm not here.
- They're offering a good option.
- Time-delay the news.
A five-second delay.
Who'll care? - News producers and reporters for one.
They're leaving the networks for cable over credibility issues.
- What's gonna happen when you? - You don't wanna time-delay the news? We fly to Washington, we meet with the FCC chair and see if we can get a reduced fine if we agree to give away time for PSAs.
It's a face-saving gesture.
NBS News should apologize because somebody shot at one of their reporters? - Well, that's it.
- Obviously, that's not it.
Then I go back to what I said.
Take on the FCC, and you need to know the cost of losing.
- What are you doing here? - I came to hear that guy.
He's a sub.
Our regular guy's sick this week.
So is our regular trombone player, and his sub told me to hear this guy play.
He's good.
That's why I was surprised to see him playing in your band.
Get your feet off the chair, talk show.
Nice, guys.
Four-thirty Friday for a 5:30 dress.
Thanks a lot.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
I'm Danny.
I'm the executive producer.
Thanks a lot for sitting in.
- Well, I appreciate the gig.
- You want one full-time? - No, I can't do that.
- Why not? Fella I'm sitting in for did me a favor.
Well, you should know that Kevin Eubanks is sitting down there.
I think you got a job at The Tonight Show if you want it.
No, they've got their horn section.
I'm grateful for this, but I appreciate it.
Whoa, wait up.
Where are you from? Don't wanna get anyone in trouble.
He's doing me a favor.
- No one's in trouble.
- I'm from New Orleans.
How could Jesus' birth have taken place four years before the birth of Christ? How come Europeans decided he looked like Doug Henning? - It doesn't matter.
- Shepherds don't work in December.
Expert theologian heard from.
Gospels say he was born during the reign of Herod the Great.
And according to the historian Flavius Josephson Herod died in 4 B.
- Flavius Josephson.
The Immaculate Conception has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus.
I think it probably does.
In describing Mary, the original Hebrew text of Isaiah uses the word almah which refers to a young woman of marriageable age not bethula, which means virgin.
- Getting this on? - Virginbirthsdebunked.
- Okay.
Dot org.
Excuse me.
See, Lucy, ahem, I'm a bit of an astronomy buff.
Loser, the word is loser.
They calculated the number of homes with children and the average weight of two presents per child.
What'd they come up with? He'd need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tons at 3000 times the speed of sound.
Zane's not out sick this week.
What's going on? Players all over town, here, The Tonight Show session players, pit bands they're trying to do it under the radar, they're calling in sick.
- Why? - They heard there were basically homeless musicians in town from New Orleans.
They're sleeping on people's couches.
If our trumpet player is any indication they can blow the doors off any room they feel like.
The L.
Guys are trying to get them a union card and a paycheck.
They can send some presents home.
We should pay the guys who are calling in sick.
I had a different idea.
Is there a sketch you can cut? Sure, I could cut "Immaculate, My Ass" "HBO's Ho-Ho-Ho's" and "Hookers at the Pole.
" Good, we need four minutes in the middle of the show.
- For what? - I'll let you know by the end of the day.
You spoken to Jordan since Monday? - Me? - Yeah.
No, not really.
Don't know what she's doing about the upfronts? - No.
- What did you mean "not really"? - Driven by her house a couple of times.
- Really? - Yeah.
- That's gotta take you back, Moon Doggy.
- Her house is on the way to work.
- Lf you're driving from Tijuana.
Leave me alone.
Fifteen minutes, everyone.
- Last time I was in this theater was to hear Caruso sing "Vesti la Giubba" from Pagliacci.
- Is that right? - No.
Caruso died 15 years before I was born.
Why do young people have no sense of the past? - Caruso's dead? - Yeah.
Leave this poor girl alone.
- How are you feeling? - I can't stop eating.
- Oh, enjoy that.
- I am.
- Where's Jack? - I don't know.
He should be along.
Down the corridor, down the stairs, Dressing Room D.
I know it well.
- Good evening, I'm Simon Stiles.
- And I'm Harriet Hayes.
the seller, Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn accidentally hit the painting, creating a finger-sized hole in the canvas.
Wynn apologized, and attributed the fault to retinitis pigmentosa an ocular disease that damages peripheral vision.
The buyer then punched Wynn in the face, apologized and attributed the fault to reflexive affluentis McGoo an emotional disease that makes him wanna punch rich blind people in the face.
finds that most men are almost always thinking about sex.
In the soon-to-be-published companion study researchers hope to be able to prove, through a series of experiments that water quenches your thirst.
- The Pentagon announced today that - Hey.
Don't let me stop you.
- How you doing, man? - Stiles.
- You got your tickets? - Front row.
I get to heckle Danny.
- These are for you.
- They're beautiful.
Let me put them in my dressing room.
- The Steve Wynn joke's funny.
- He's a very nice guy.
- Think he's gonna mind? - Only if he's watching.
- I was happy to hear your deal closed.
- Me too.
- It wasn't hard.
You're paying me scale.
- That'll change.
- Everybody here happy for you? - Yeah.
- Matt? - Yeah.
Well, you know, yeah.
He thinks you're trying to date me, but he's just I am.
- Huh? - I am trying to date you again.
- Really? - Yeah.
- That's not why you cast me, right? - No.
I cast you because you'll be good.
I can do both.
Did what I say make you uncomfortable? No.
Five minutes, please.
Five minutes to air.
You should go upstairs.
Eat them up.
In five, four, three Ho-ho-ho.
Hi, fella.
You wanna step over here a second? Well, now, who are you? Heh-heh.
I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline.
Can I ask what the heck you were doing coming to see a 12-year-old girl in the middle of the night? - She wrote me a letter.
- Where's the snow? We accidentally cooked it.
- The lights? - Yeah.
- We gonna have it by the end? They're shaving more coconuts.
- And you just figured I'm gonna go to the house of an underage girl in the middle of the night.
That's what I do.
In a disturbing twist the gentleman explains that he's been visiting young children in their homes for what he describes as years.
News 60 is next.
Stand by, Harriet.
Stand by, Simon.
Thirty seconds back.
Hang on.
I got a note for you from the dress.
Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in "Nancy Grace.
" In five, four, three Hey, Luke, how you doing? From Los Angeles, California, it's News 60 with Harriet Hayes and Simon Stiles.
- Good evening, I'm Simon Stiles.
- And I'm Matt.
I'm Harriet Hayes.
Just after a man purchased a Picasso painting for $ 139 million the seller, Las vegas mogul Steve Wynn accidentally hit the painting creating a hole in the canvas.
Come here.
Wynn apologized, and contributed the fault I'm sorry to disturb you.
I know you're with your grandchildren.
I'd like them to meet you.
You know, this may be the first time I've ever seen you without a necktie.
What's the matter, kid? You don't look well.
Last Sunday night, there was an incident on our news.
During a live feed from Afghanistan a marine, as well as our reporter who was interviewing him had an RPG explode nearby, and the marine said - Well, he said - Mm-hm.
I waited to tell you so I could speak with lawyers and give you good advice.
Yeah, I know about what happened.
- You know about the FCC? - Yeah.
Well I've been playing this out every possible way in my head and I think this: I have to resign.
I know the Macau deal is the one you've been waiting for and the FCC can block mergers.
On the other hand, I just can't be a party to the line that's gonna be crossed if we allow them their way on this.
I won't pay a $ 73 million fine.
I won't pay a 73 cent fine.
I won't time-delay the news, and I won't say I'm sorry.
I no longer recognize the authority of the FCC in this matter.
I'm gonna have to be ordered by a federal judge.
And when they come to get my transmitter they better send a group a hell of a lot more scary than the Foundation for Friendly Families or whatever the hell they are.
Let those guys embed themselves with the Second Marine Division for a while.
They'll re-jigger their sense of what's obscene in a quick hurry.
Jack, this is the one I've been waiting for my whole life.
You are the chairman of the National Broadcasting System.
That's why I wanted my grandchildren to meet you.
Yes, sir.
Stand by, 15 seconds to air.
We're back in five, four, three Ladies and gentlemen, the city of New Orleans.
Can I talk to you a second? I've been married twice before and I'm a recovering cocaine addict and I know that's no woman's dream of a man or of a father.
Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you.
If you wanna run, I understand but you better get a good head start because I'm coming for you, Jordan.
You should go ahead and chew that sandwich.
Where did you go? I went to a place called "say it, say it, say it.
" I said it, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
You were right, you know.
- About what? - We do live here now.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.