Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e13 Episode Script

The Harriet Dinner, Part I

Previously on Studio 60: Would you like to go out on a date? Pardon? I'm leaving Juilliard.
I'm giving up the viola.
I'm gonna study improvisational comedy.
You wanna meet with Tom Jeter, Kim? Have him tell you about life in comedy? - I would be indebted to you.
- You'll have your daughter back.
She's auctioning off a chance to go to an awards dinner? As her date.
It opened at $500.
- Bid $501.
- Are you and Darius having a problem? Not when I'm done with him.
- Don't know what that means.
- Right.
- Simon.
- Trading up.
- Not true.
- Not good enough? - Come on.
- Get your head out of your ass.
You get my recommendation for Danny? Yes, I did, Matt.
Along with 38 others including Martin Scorsese, Lauren Bacall and Lord Dickenson, the Third Earl of Kent.
You have to stop.
This was embarrassing to me, Danny.
Will you please stop? No.
Good evening, Mr.
Rudolph.
- Good evening, George.
- You don't have to sign in.
- Here to see Tom.
Your office called.
He's in a wardrobe fitting.
The end of the hall, downstairs.
Thank you.
You almost done? - Jill? - You want it good or you want it fast? Good's out of the question now.
I want it fast.
- Stop moving.
- Jack's coming to see me.
He thinks I'm an idiot.
I'd rather I wasn't wearing this when he Jeter.
- That was predictable.
- What are you? - I'm one of the Fruit of the Loom.
We're working on a sketch about a militant fruit.
- Genius.
- It's gonna be funny by Friday.
- You wearing anything under there? - Boxers and a T-shirt.
- I guess that's more dignified.
- Jill, can I? Yeah.
A militant Fruit of the Loom? I can take that.
A mongongo, it's an African fruit.
It was Simon's idea.
No kidding.
- Wanna go in my dressing room? - Please.
You're probably wondering what the drama's about, why I wanted to see you.
Yeah.
There's a time in a man's life when he needs a favor from someone like you.
What does someone like me usually say? Well they're usually too scared to say anything but yes.
I hear that.
You remember Zhiang Tao and his daughter Kim.
Yeah.
I need a favor from Zhiang.
You should ask the way you're asking me.
No, because he's a person of considerable importance.
Sure.
Little help? They're here in town.
Zhiang and Kim? Yeah.
The Juilliard Orchestra played a concert tonight at UCLA.
- Family's here till the end of the week.
- Nice that the family came over I'll keep talking, and then if you feel like you have something to say I'll give you a moment.
- I do something wrong? Probably, but that's not what this is about.
Kim is a viola prodigy.
I know.
- It's a huge source of pride for her father.
- I'm sure.
She wants to give up the viola to take up doing what you do.
Comedy.
That would be a huge source of shame for her father.
Mm-hm.
I'm gonna say something now and when I do, I want you to look at me.
When you look, you're gonna know that I'm not employing hyperbole.
The fate of Western civilization rests on you talking her out of it.
Harriet's getting an award at a dinner Thursday.
You're going to take Kim as your date.
By the end of the night she'll be at Juilliard, playing viola, making her father happy.
That's what you'll tell her to do.
During the course of this date you're going to describe for her a life of rejection, humiliation, unemployment and wretchedness.
You will at no time touch her in a sexual manner.
I have a date Thursday night.
A date with destiny, Tom.
- No, a date with Lucy Kenwright.
- Uh.
- Break it? - Yes.
What if I screw up? I'll be there to make sure that doesn't happen.
Excellent.
- Tom? - Yeah.
You have to know I'm someone that doesn't like to rely on other people.
Yeah.
So you have to know I appreciate this.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, Tom, do you think? Oh.
Sorry.
We can't get rights to "All You Need Is Love.
" The Beatles said no? - There was already a show that used it.
Damn it to hell.
It was a great idea anyway.
Better luck next - Shut up.
- All right.
Keep going.
Former gang member Dusty D of the Venice 15 paralyzed a boy named Reggie Dobson in a drive-by shooting.
You've got pictures of them both in your packets.
Dusty D is out of prison and a born-again Christian.
Reggie Dobson's starting medical school at Albert Einstein in the fall.
Dobson's eager to make peace with his assailant but his grandmother hasn't forgiven Dusty and has vowed to kill him if she ever meets him.
How old is the grandmother? - Eighty-seven.
- She and Dusty should do it.
All right, you've got You got the gang member, his shooting victim the football player and we got the girl.
- Meeting adjourned? - Jordan.
- Sales.
- Sales loves it.
What were the odds? The adjacencies went well over the two hours.
We've run it past the O and O's and they like it.
The last three two-hour specials we've had have won the night.
Jack, a trends study shows that adults 18-34 are increasingly concerned with being good and doing good.
- This show's a leap in that direction.
No, I meant that She knows what you meant.
Philip, you think? I'm sorry, is it Philip? - Phil.
Your company can do this one-eight? Production is one-eight plus fees.
Two-six all in.
- Ready by May? It's ready to test the end of April.
I wanna talk to Jordan alone, and don't kid yourself, it's her call.
Thank you.
Bye.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
Thanks.
You bet.
Why, I appreciate that.
- What? Your reminding them that it's my call.
- Yeah, you're doing it.
- I had a hunch.
Got a hole in May because of your spectacular Dracula blunder Hey, I didn't trade Romanian currency.
I didn't cause their market to tank.
I wasn't the one who couldn't pay the crew.
I didn't run off with the sets and cameras.
- You just - Oversaw the whole thing.
Yeah.
It didn't go well in New York, did it? Board came pretty close to removing Wilson.
He had to adjourn the meeting.
The deal in Macau would make them a lot of money instantly.
FCC would have to approve that deal so the board doesn't wanna go round with the FCC.
Know what you should do? Get Zhiang Tao to say he won't make the deal with TMG unless - They back Wilson? - Appeal to his sense of honor.
I'm like 20 hours ahead of you, and I think he'll do it but first I've gotta get his daughter Kim to not drop out of Juilliard.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Jeter's gonna take her to a dinner where Harriet Hayes is getting a good-guy award and if Tom told her to eat a viola, she would do it.
Wait, is this Catholics in Media? The dinner for Harriet? - Yeah.
- I'm going to that.
Harry auctioned off a chance to be her date.
Because it's a strange guy, she asked me Here's what's incredible: She auctioned herself off to raise money for an abstinence program sponsored by Women United Through Faith an organization that disowned her during the whole Pahrump thing This is coming together in a way that doesn't interest you.
Wow, did I think that was gonna go on for a while.
Anyway, I'll be at that dinner.
- I'll be there too.
- To support Harriet? Yeah.
The guy says he can do it for one-eight, sales projects $375,000 minutes You need a calculator? We're gonna do this show, it's event TV.
I love event TV.
I don't watch it, but I'm crazy about it.
When the time is good, you're gonna tell me why you brought Hallie, right? I brought Hallie here I brought her here for exactly the reason to run alternative programming.
Okay.
- No other reason.
- I'll give her a green light.
This is a film segment, a commercial parody.
"Dora's Hammer of the Gods" for PlayStation 3.
Do it for 72,000 if you shoot at the botanical garden? I saw this, we don't need to spend 72,000.
If you shoot exterior We can do it here.
I shoot it on tape and we'll save 18,000.
Last shot's to be creepy.
Snakes, vipers.
It's gonna be creepy.
We run it through a film-look process.
We have the money, we should go out.
We can do it right here for 54.
Really? - Yeah.
You're gonna bring snakes in? - That's your problem.
- That's my problem.
The snakes aren't the little ones.
I read the script, I know what the shot needs to be.
All right, do it.
The last thing is that Harriet's getting an award Thursday night.
Some people are going, so work's gonna start at 11:00.
Anything else? No.
- Thank you.
- Going? - To the Harriet dinner? - Yeah.
- I am but very cleverly.
I told her I can't go but I've been bidding online.
I'm gonna show up as her date.
You know the money is going to Women United Through Faith, right? It's for an abstinence-only program.
I'm offsetting it by sending a check to a group that promotes polyamorous activities.
- Like? Don't know, it bothers the abstinence people.
I screwed up.
What did you do? The recommendations yesterday.
I embarrassed her.
I'm sure you didn't.
No, I did.
She told me I did.
She was pretty mad.
I gotta change what I'm doing.
It can't be like a barbershop quartet or skywriting.
- No.
- Maybe the letters were a soaker.
It'll take a while, but then it'll hit.
- Maybe.
- But you don't think so.
- I do.
- I'm asking for honest advice.
- Look.
- What? - I think she's asking you to stop.
- Yeah, I know.
Any chance you can stop thinking about her? Show me how.
Stop thinking about Harriet.
Yeah, all right.
I'll leave her alone.
I'll tell her I'm sorry, leave her alone.
For what it's worth, I like seeing you the way you've been.
- In pain? - No, you know, I don't know.
- All right.
- All right.
Tom.
What did Jack wanna see you about? Zhiang and his daughter Kim are here.
He needs me to take Kim on Thursday and convince her not to give up the viola.
- Always something like that.
- I asked Lucy out Thursday.
- Yeah? - I'll just tell her what happened.
I know it seems like the truth is always the best way to go, but it hardly ever is.
Well, look, this is, you know, our first date and it's not like - What? - I didn't choose to go with another woman.
The only words that mean anything are "another woman.
" I read the first draft of "Dolphin Girl.
" For construction and wardrobe, I don't have it.
- Close.
- It's not there, it'll get there.
- Suzanne! - Yes, sir.
- He dropped out? - No, everyone else has.
- What was his last bid? - 5300.
You know for 5300, I could buy her dinner in Maui.
Have you explored the possibility that Lukes5858 isn't Luke Scott? 58 was his NYU grad school film.
The only way someone could know that movie is if they were him or obsessed with him.
You know about it.
Bid $5301.
And 5302 to the sex club? It's not a sex club.
It's a polyamorous movement supporting the choice to engage in responsible, multi-partnered relationships.
They wanted me to ask if you'd accept an award at their next meeting.
I should tell them no? No, an award's an award.
You got the letters? Stack you want has the Post-it.
Thanks.
Good morning.
Lucy has a date with Tom Thursday night.
I heard.
Can we settle down? What are you going to wear? I was gonna dress like a girl.
Have anything I can borrow? - What's this? - Viewer mail.
It's been opened.
I pay Suzanne an extra $5 a week to check our mail for anthrax.
Everyone who writes gets a personal note back from the staff.
Take an hour this morning and dive into it.
This one begins, "Matthew, you are a god.
" Yes.
"Enclosed you'll find a recent snapshot " Is it a girl? Yes, but she's a prisoner.
What's yours say, Darius? What's this? I was messing with you.
That's Simon's mail.
This was, uh, sent to Simon? He collects them.
He gets, "You're a god," and, "Here's a picture.
" He also gets that, asked me to let you know.
Can I, uh, go see him a minute? Yeah, I think we're done with viewer mail.
Simon's gonna kick his ass slow.
And action.
Join me, Masi Oka, as I host Studio 60 this Friday night with musical guest John Legend.
Save me, save the world.
Great.
Still rolling.
Let's get another one.
- Ready? - Yes.
And action.
Join me, Masi Oka, as I host Studio 60 this Friday night with musical guest John Legend.
Save me Wait, sorry.
Still rolling.
Am I the one who can time-travel? - No.
- Which one am I? - You're indestructible.
- Who travels through time? - Me.
- Cool.
- Guys? - I heard you're playing Anita Pallenberg.
- It's exciting.
- You need to act.
Just can't do your funny voices.
- Just read the card.
And action.
Join me, Masi Oka, as I host Studio 60 this Friday night with musical guest John Legend.
Harriet Hayes will be here too.
And cut.
Great.
- What was that? - Dolphin Girl, a funny new voice.
- Brilliant.
You're wrapped.
Bevo! Morning, Cal, what do we got? A commercial parody for a video game.
I'm using this bone-yard set.
I need the vipers crawling over the bones and the game box.
- How long's the shot? - Three-eighths of a page.
How many do you want? - How many did you bring? - Two dozen.
Start with all, see what it looks like.
- Sure.
- Hey.
It turns out Danny Tripp's afraid of snakes.
These are harmless, right? No, they're vipers.
Harmless vipers.
No, regular vipers.
Uh-huh.
So if they bite you, you'd what? Go into anaphylactic shock.
- But they'd only bite if provoked.
- They'll strike at any kind of movement.
Okay, you know what, let's get this done.
Okay, sure.
Do we call you Mongo? - No, you do not, you call me Mongongo.
You do not abbreviate my name like the Man abbreviated Black History Month.
Gee, I'm pretty sure February was always 28 days.
Check again, racist mofo.
Where are you from? Your mama's house, white rice.
Hang on a second.
Lucy.
Don't stop.
- No, I just need to talk to you a second.
- Okay.
Is anything wrong? No, we just have to pick another night, I can't go out with you Thursday.
That's all right, what happened? What happened? - You don't have to tell me.
- No, I'll tell you.
I'd already agreed to do an appearance for NBS.
Ooh.
What kind of appearance? A personal appearance.
A celebrity waiter.
A waiter? The TCA is in town and the networks have dinners and at the NBS dinner - They use their actors as waiters.
- That's right.
- That's adorable.
- Yeah, well - You think? - That's sweet.
Um, do you wear the whole outfit? Oh, yeah.
Tie.
Vest, apron.
Okay.
Um, well, how about the weekend? Or are you? You must be tired after No, weekend's great.
Saturday night? You're not too tired after the show? No, no, I'm young.
I'm very young and physically fit.
All right.
Saturday night.
Great.
Relax, did you think I'd be angry? Well, I wasn't You're really very sweet and I'm looking forward to our date.
Thank you.
I mean, me too.
I'm gonna try very hard to make it a good one.
Hey, why's Lucy working on this? - Why not? - It seems like Darius' thing.
- I asked Darius.
- And? Darius asked Lucy.
Any more questions? - No.
- No.
- Looks like I got your mail.
- Ah.
Anything good? I won Publishers Clearing House? If you have something to say to me, how about you say it, sir? - I think you're a moron.
- Yeah? - I can do more than just the black stuff.
- I don't see you writing much of anything.
- I'm new.
- You're off to a good start.
I didn't wanna write your mongongo fruit sketch.
I'd pay more attention to your general tone of voice.
You're right, I apologize.
It's just I'm saying You don't want to work on my sketch, that's fine.
But you don't want to work on it because it's black that makes you pool boy at the house of Uncle Thomas.
Quiet for rehearsal, people.
Try it.
What is it? It's called madjoun.
It's also called honey and hash, though, isn't it, Keith? How many times have you thought about making love to me? I don't know.
Put down your guitar and be in my movie.
What's it called? It's called Madjoun.
But it's also called Honey and Hash, isn't it? All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun.
It's the show you like, isn't it? That was Godard.
All that schooling.
I'm not gonna paint his eyes black now.
We're gonna do it eventually.
We will.
- It's a big Keith Richards moment.
Yeah, that's fine.
Want PO V from Anita's camera? We should have it.
All right, Harriet, we lose you now, you go back to your night job.
Thanks, guys.
Let me talk to you a sec.
- This scene's coming along.
- It is.
Wanna have dinner Thursday night? Thursday night I can't.
I'm actually There's I'm getting an award from Catholics in Media.
- You're not Catholic.
- They feel I'm good enough.
- You are.
- Yeah.
- Where is it? - On a sound stage at Warner Bros.
How about I come by afterwards and we get a drink or something? No? Friends of Matt saw us at that New Year's Eve party.
I didn't know that mattered.
I'm just mentioning it.
- Can I be your priest for a second? - Sure.
You and Matt broke up a long time ago.
Except you see each other every day at work and you do his show every Friday night.
Breaking up hasn't broken you up, it's just become a new condition of your relationship and it's comfortable now.
Mostly it's all you have left.
It's not hard to understand, but you gotta ask yourself - What? - Don't you deserve a lot more? - Well, you know - Don't you want a lot more? Let's keep rolling.
Let's keep rolling.
Smoke.
Tommy, I want you to do the voice-over again for time.
And camera, action.
"Dora's Hammer of the Gods," new for PlayStation 3.
Rated T for "teen.
" You know what, cut.
Clear some of the snakes out.
I want to see the box better.
Bevo? I wanna take out some of the snakes.
Honey, how many vipers did you send me with this morning? - Is that Tessie? - Mm-hm.
Hey, Tessie.
She says all 24.
- What does that mean? - Okay.
Is everything all right? - I'm only counting 23.
- Twenty-three snakes? Tessie sent me with 24.
That was my count this morning but now I'm only getting 23.
Are there any places around here a snake might hide? Yes.
Bevo, it's It's a 90-year-old theater.
I think we got a loose one.
There's a loose, poisonous viper in the building? Whoa, what? Nothing.
It's slang.
Why don't you guys take a 10-minute break? Away from here.
Why don't you look around? They were given sedatives, so we're fine for a while.
The sedative wears off, right? Oh, yeah.
Let's find him.
That's gonna be easy, Cal, they leave a trail.
If the trail leads to my boss's office, have the viper bite me on the face.
- Hey, Cal.
What's going on? - Matt.
- Getting the last shot.
- Don't skimp on the snakes.
Yeah.
- They closed the bidding.
- Weren't supposed to close until tomorrow.
They were moved by the generosity of the highest bidders.
They announced online that Harriet's agreed to have them as her guests.
- It's a tie? - Lukes5858 and BossSexy.
- Are you kidding me? - Congratulations.
- Hey.
- It's a tie? - What's a tie? - Your online auction.
Two people have been bidding each other through the roof.
This is sweet, let them both come, the Church gets twice the money.
- This is fantastic.
- See you.
The sex people wanna know if you have any clips for a tribute reel.
Yeah.
He went down this grate.
There's a grate on your stage underneath the set.
Has this happened before? Happens all the time.
You should mention that up top to the client.
Yeah.
What do you usually do? We use a ferret.
The animal, a ferret? They hunt snakes.
I send the ferret down the grate, he'll get the snake.
Okay.
I should tell you it's gonna be another $6000 to replace the snake.
- Why do you have to replace the snake? - The ferret's gonna eat it.
- You lost the snake.
- Okay.
I'm sure he'll come out eventually.
We can just wait.
All right.
All right.
Let's get the ferret.
Yeah.
He's still down there.
- The snake? - The ferret.
Where's the snake? - Eaten.
- Ferret ate him.
- Try the whistle again.
- Don't try the No, he's not moving.
Yeah, it's been two days.
I don't think he's responding to the whistle.
They usually do.
Two days, Bevo.
I've had a viper and well-fed ferret under the stage who's almost certainly rabid.
Been two days.
I need to tell people what's going on.
It's time for me to tell them the truth.
- Cal, what the hell is going on? - Uh, electrical problem.
Soon it'll be time for me to tell them.
He was just showing me a whistle.
Okay.
I saw the cut, it looks good.
You were right.
- You saved us some money.
- Okay, well, bye now.
Okay.
Danny.
- Yeah.
- You know about this promo? - I took care of it.
- She did the dolphin voice.
- I asked them to stop running it.
- Aired once, and it's on the Internet.
- People like it.
Great, but it doesn't exist yet.
What's going on? - They're painting my office.
- Ah.
Are you staying here? I'm gonna wait for you guys to get back so we can work a little.
And now I'm waiting for Jordan.
- Yeah? - She and Harry are going together.
I'll talk to her before then.
You don't have anything to apologize for.
Yeah, well, who was that guy down there with Cal? - I don't know.
- I recognize that guy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look nice.
Have fun tonight.
Thanks.
You did the dolphin voice.
- When? - In the promo with what's-his-name.
I was kidding around.
Well, they aired it once.
- Jordan.
- You ready to go? Do you mind if I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
I'm gonna head over, why don't we meet there? - Sure.
- Have fun.
Thank you.
- You should be going for her.
- I'm the worst.
I am selfish and unsupportive.
What was that? Don't worry about it.
- In your office? - Uh They're painting in there.
I can say it out here.
Uh I just wanna say that Here's the deal, here's the deal.
We're Uh, I'm sorry.
Uh Sorry.
I wanted to say Come on.
What's up here? The roof.
I wanted to tell you I'm sorry.
I feel terrible I embarrassed you with the letters and it'll all stop now and go back to normal.
Well okay.
Okay.
We should go.
Okay.
Danny? It's locked.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
Are you kidding me? Hey.
Hey.
Sorry.
Hmm.
Hey.
Hello? Here's the good news.
This right here is a crucial scene in any romantic comedy.
Please get us out of here.
Yeah.
- Let me say something.
- What? I'm not sure he was so off-the-charts wrong.
Is that right? - Why can't he write what he wants? - He can.
He didn't want to work on the Fruit of the Loom sketch.
Give me your manhood.
Now.
Because you're not gonna be needing it.
Let's let somebody else use it.
- Oh, my God.
- What? That can't possibly be Kim.
- Where? - There.
- That's Kim? - Oh, my God.
- You're gonna need your manhood.
- I'm not allowed - Kim.
- Hello.
You look very nice.
Thank you.
Nice? That's the adjective you use? Girl, you're on fire.
Guy who designed that dress looked at you and said, "I got an idea.
" - Sim? - Yeah.
- Why don't you go find Huey Newton? - I'll look around.
You look very nice.
I was hoping you'd like it.
So I need to talk to you.
Harriet, over here.
Over here.
Big smile.
Very pretty, ladies.
Beautiful.
Right here, over here.
To your left.
- I don't know where Jordan went.
- She'll be here.
She was there, then she went to talk to Danny.
What's going on with Danny and Jordan? I don't know, we should talk closer to the microphones.
Miss Hayes.
Over here.
Miss Hayes.
Oh, my God.
Surprise.
Can we get you with Harriet? Sure.
Hey, Sam.
Get out.
Get out.
- You decided to come.
- I won you.
- What do you mean? - Well, I didn't win but I tied.
Wait, you're kidding.
I'd been bidding on you since Monday.
I had to cut into my doughnut fund.
Matthew, this is so sweet.
Yeah, where's Luke? - Luke? - Yeah.
- He's not coming.
- Yes, he is.
No, he's not.
He was the other guy bidding.
Harriet? - Luke is the other guy? Yes.
- Wait a second, what's going on? - Harriet, I'd like you to meet Cody Kyle.
Cody was the winner in the online auction.
Whoa, you're Lukes5858? Star Wars, dude.
Luke Skywalker.
Oh, yeah.
And Skywalker Ranch is You believe no one copped that username? You're Luke.
- Yeah, who are you? - He's BossSexy.
- This isn't happening.
- How old are you, Cody? Fifteen going on Doorstep of my sexual prime.
- Hey, me too.
Awesome.
Where does a 15-year-old get this kind of money? - I'm Cody Kyle.
- Cody's a professional snowboarder.
- Bronzed in the half-pipe at the X Games.
- Really? Which one of you will escort me to our table? - I call it.
- Look Sorry, Matthew, he called it.
Kim, you're 20 years old, right? Yep.
Because I'm a little responsible for you tonight I wanted to tell you that the drinking age in California is 21.
What's the age for taking you back to my hotel room and dancing for you? - Eighteen.
- Thank you.
- Let's talk about you and the viola.
- Let's talk about you and your cute ass.
Anything? No service.
No service.
No service.
No service.
And no service.
Maybe wireless companies should take a break from putting movies on my phone and spend a little time seeing to it I can make phone calls with my phone.
You thought Luke S.
Was Luke Scott.
It was Lukes5858, and his NYU graduate film was 58.
How did you know that? Because I know that.
- You've become obsessed with Luke.
- I haven't become obsessed with him.
I was obsessed the last time you broke up with me.
We're not going out now.
- So? - You said the last time I broke up with you.
You're implying I'd be breaking up with you now.
- You know what I meant.
- No, as a matter of fact I don't.
- I meant - This is exactly what he said.
- Who? - Luke.
After rehearsal Tuesday, this is exactly what he said.
We haven't broken up, but we're in a new condition where we act like we have because it's comfortable.
Sounds like Luke really focuses at rehearsal.
This was after rehearsal.
Talk to Danny, he's directed two good movies.
You don't have time to cover for Dr.
Phil.
It's true, though, right? - No.
- It is.
Damn, Harriet, I paid $ 11,000.
Yeah, you paid Why did you pay $ 11,000? I had to.
You were 5500 but I didn't like where the money was going, abstinence so I found a group that opposes - What group? They're called Loving More.
"Loving More"? The forefront of a national polyamorous movement.
- God.
- They're giving me an award.
Of course.
I secretly bid to be your date on a night that's important.
- You don't think that's sweet? Little cute? - It wasn't either, slick.
Didn't start until after you thought Luke had.
Our date's got a sound point, dude.
Do me favor, don't call her "our date" or me "dude," okay? - Excuse me, Harriet? - This is a beautiful event, Shirley.
Ah, thank you.
And we're so happy you're here, Mr.
Albie.
I'm thrilled to be here.
Jordan isn't here yet and she was to present you.
I know, we're looking for her.
- Lf she's late, would you mind? - Not at all.
Thank you.
See, the problem is we're facing the alley.
If we were facing the street we could just shout.
I think the problem is that we're locked on the roof.
Sure.
I was just breaking down the game film.
- Tell me you didn't do this on purpose.
- I didn't.
- Really? - I wanted to talk so I could apologize which I've done.
I fell for you, I told you, I courted you every hour of every day.
What a jackass am I.
You felt sorry for me, you ambushed me embarrassed me every hour, and yes - "Felt sorry"? - You're a jackass.
I felt sorry for you for what? For being pregnant by myself.
How can someone so smart and beautiful be so consistently wrong and dumb? - Is this you courting me? - No, I quit that.
How are we gonna get down? Is there a way to climb down? - If I hadn't left my bat-rope in the office.
- Well, think of something.
- I remember who that guy is.
- What guy? The guy down on the stage with Cal.
That's Bevo, an animal wrangler.
- So what? - We shot a segment Tuesday but he's here Thursday and Cal wasn't shooting.
There's a snake loose in the building.
Oh, my God.
- We're in the best place, we're on the roof.
- Think snakes don't know how to crawl? Kim, becoming a comedian is hard.
I know, getting into Juilliard is hard too.
Yeah, it is, but 10 children per class were accepted into the Central Conservatory of Music in Beijing.
You think it's hard getting into Juilliard, imagine if America was five times bigger and Juilliard was five times smaller.
That's a compelling stat.
Excuse me, can I talk to you a second? - What are you doing here? - Harriet gave us tickets.
Go back to your table, Amos.
Yeah.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What did he mean, "Harriet gave us tickets"? Tom? Lucy A celebrity waiter for the TCA? I hope You'll be wearing the outfit and everything? I hope God, Tom, we hadn't even been out on a date yet.
Aren't you supposed to wait until you've slept with me to act like a creep? Was that your girlfriend? No.
But I lied to her and broke a date so I could be here.
This is easily fixable, Tommy.
Yeah.
Take this.
Sure.
- Hey, Kim.
- Hi, Mr.
Rudolph.
- Hi.
- Tell him I'm a gentleman.
- He's an animal.
I'm not an animal.
Progress report.
I'm doing my best.
Your best isn't gonna do it, Tom, you need to do somebody else's best.
Fine.
What are you doing? I'm gonna jump.
We're three stories up and that's concrete down there.
All right.
You jump.
Help! Hey! Hey! When did it happen? - What? - When did you? Fall in love with you? You're not, so stop saying that.
I'm in charge of who I'm in love with, if that's okay.
- It's not okay.
- Then call the cops.
When did you decide this? It's not a decision, you're not buying a snow blower.
- When? - First time I met you.
First time you met me you hated me.
Didn't trust me, thought I was a network bitch that I was blackmailing you.
- You proved me wrong.
Your recourse was to fall in love.
- Ironic.
- I'm asking when What do you want from me? You've rejected me, I'm stuck on a roof, I have a snake loose in my studio.
- Lf I deserve punishment, I'm getting it.
- I didn't say that.
And I wish you hadn't run the promo with Harriet doing Dolphin Girl.
What's Matt's problem? He doesn't know what it is yet, it's a funny voice.
And Harriet did the funny voice on the promo.
There's talk of it on the Internet and the sketch it's bound to be in, and it's not finished yet.
Not the end of the world.
No.
It's not, but it's a continuation of the one-sheet world.
- "One-sheet world"? - Movie poster, a one-sheet.
We'll do the Green Lantern.
I can see the one-sheet now.
Don't worry we don't have a story.
We'll make money before word-of-mouth kills us.
We elect presidents the same way.
He's got a big name, he'll raise money, he'll get the nomination.
- Teach him how to be president later.
- It was a promo, you tremendous doofus! I understand, I was making an anala I think you got him.
They gotta be wondering where we are, right? Matt and Harriet? Yeah.
Maybe they're having too good a time.
Matt and Harriet? I'm not worried about that.
- Here you go.
- Thank you so much.
You bet.
What was going to happen then? - Should I go? - What was going to happen then? I'll tell you, I didn't think he There was an online auction for this dinner with you.
I gave whatever money it took to win.
What crime? What Harriet crime have I committed? You were bidding because you thought Luke was bidding too.
- That's right.
- That's right.
What happened to your sense of flattery? What was gonna happen after you flattered me? - I was gonna go home, right? Alone? - Look I was gonna go home and think about how much I want you.
- Gee, Harriet, I - Don't play stupid.
It's incredibly rude.
I deserve your best right now and you know it, so knock it off.
- All right, settle down.
Come on.
Hi.
Hi, Matt.
That's what was supposed to happen, right? - Why don't we enjoy the night? - Please answer.
- Question? - That was supposed to happen? - Yes.
- And then what? - Harriet - And then what? We're gonna be finished tonight.
Don't be scared.
Grate's part of the original heating, so it's sealed at the bottom.
The opening's 24 inches in diameter, runs at a 10-degree incline.
I don't see how we can send a man there unless we rip up the floor, which I can't fix before people get back here tonight.
Cal, I can go to my place, get him, be back here in 45 minutes.
This will all be over.
All right.
All right.
Get the coyote to get the ferret that was sent in after the snake.
But, Bevo, here's my question just so I know.
Yeah.
What goes in after the coyote?