Suburgatory (2011) s01e15 Episode Script

Fire with Fire

Well known fact about the town I'm living, Chatswin is the silly trend capital of the world.
There was the male nanny trend The spotted owl trend The British royal hat trend Your husband's suits, Mrs.
Royce.
It's Ms.
Royce now, Javier.
And the latest trend I'm divorced, y'all.
That was the thing about Chatswin.
You never knew what trend was gonna hit next.
Noah.
Yes, my love.
I asked you to fix the damn shower head.
Fix the shower head, Noah.
Jill, you're bleeding! Fix it.
So did you fix it? I don't know how to fix it! I'm a tooth guy.
If, uh, if the shower had a receding gumline or or an abscess You know, she should have married a plumber.
So call someone.
Let her call somebody, all right? Or or let her use the upstairs shower.
Noah, come on, man.
She asked you to fix it.
Just fix it.
You know what? I asked her to fix dinner last week, but evidently she's a modern woman.
She doesn't cook.
She doesn't clean.
She doesn't climax.
Listen to me, man.
Sometimes they say they're upset about one thing, but they're really upset about something else entirely, so just don't give her any excuses.
Excuses for what? Just fix the shower head.
SUBURGATORY S01 Ep15 - Fire With Fire She's doing a side fishtail braid, you guys.
I don't know if I could pull that off.
This is a town of followers.
I know, right? What? Who is she waving at? It looks like she's waving at Hi, Lisa.
- Is there another Lisa? - Hi, Lisa Shay.
- That's me.
I'm Lisa Shay.
- Hi, Dalia.
- Lisa, sit down.
- How are you today? I'm good.
How are you? Excited about the school dance, and yourself? Did you guys see that? Yeah.
Everybody saw that.
That was amazing.
That was embarrassing.
Yeah.
Lisa, Dalia's just being nice to you to get back at me for "stealing" Scott Strauss.
So? Who cares? I've waited for this my whole childhood.
Lisa look, I didn't choose my way in But this is a way in.
She's joking, right? No.
Jill.
This should be a relatively quick procedure.
Take your time, doctor.
Money's no object.
We're not paid by the hour.
Well, even if you were, I would say, take all the time that you need.
She's worth every penny.
Our main concern is that the break heals cleanly, so we'll rebreak the nose and set it properly.
That said, there could be some residual bruising.
Okay.
Honey, since you're going under, is there anything else you want to have done? Any sprucin' up we could Now's the time, in three two One.
Okay, just the nose.
Jill? Is that you? You're a bloody mess, girl.
Are you pre, post, or mid-op? I had an accident in the shower.
No.
I am sorry to hear that.
I must say, Dallas, that sounded uncharacteristically sincere.
What exactly did you have done? I went up a half a cup size to celebrate the divorce.
You're positively glowing.
Well, I also had a dash of botulism, a few squirts of collagen, a handful of lowlights, and a gelicure, but primarily it's the divorce.
Leaving Steven has done wonders for me.
I haven't felt this good in years.
Bye, Jill! In Chatswin, a trend could start just about anywhere, even in the operating room.
On second thought, I'll have what Dallas Royce had.
Lisa, hi.
Come sit with us.
Well, this is an unexpected delight.
You talk like our grandmother.
She calls things "marvelous.
" Are you seeing this? She wasn't joking.
What a sellout.
I'll talk some sense into her at practice.
We're working on a routine for the school dance.
We rehearse every night.
Well, except for Wednesday nights, because that's when the "medium" fan club meets to reenact scenes from the TV show "medium.
" - Malik, I know.
- Okay.
Stay calm.
The most important thing here is not to give Dalia the satisfaction of knowing she's getting to me.
Smart But she's definitely getting to you.
- Shut up, Malik.
- Just sayin'.
You and me are like twins, Lisa.
We both have long, blonde hair, we both have names that start with the letter "D," and we both hate Tessa Altman, right? Come on! You'd better talk to your girl Dallas.
She's out of control.
What are you talking about? She's filling Jill's head full of these crazy ideas.
I thought those two hated each other.
Not anymore.
Ever since their surgeries, it's like they've bonded.
Now they talk everynight on the phone about Dallas' hot, new boyfriend Yoni.
- Yoni? - Yeah.
Some young Latin dude.
Does reiki.
I met him.
Real trim.
I don't trust him.
How trim? Noticeably trim.
And another thing He says he can heal energy with his hands.
Jill says she wants him to "work on her.
" I wouldn't let him work on her.
Why can't Dallas deal with her divorce the way you did curling up into a little ball and screeching like a wounded an I'm just sayin'.
And it's in! There's the man I was hoping to see.
There is my crystal queen.
Give me sugars.
I have an incandescent lighting fixture.
Thank you, George.
Just go do your thing.
And I go do mine.
That is too much tongue.
Not in my country.
"Yoni.
" Did you call to me? What? No.
I just, uh Wh-where'd you two say you met? Yoni's doing a reiki unit with the junior class.
We met once upon the gymnasium.
And it felt love at first sight.
It felt that to me, too.
So just, uh, a complete disregard for the English language with you two, His energy is cloudy, like the winter in Ro-mah-nia.
"Ro-mah-nia"? You think because I'm from South America, I cannot reference Eastern Europe? George, you're being rude.
I see you didn't waste any time.
Back in the saddle, Ride 'em, Ms.
Royce.
Yoni, would you mind stepping outside for a moment so I can express my irritation with George in private? Please be brief.
For every second we don't be together, my heart screams for you.
And mine, you, yoh-nee.
- Yoni.
- Yoni.
Yakult, let's go.
Yakult, you can stay.
I said, "let's go," Yakult.
Yakult! On your bed, girl.
I did not have a white leash anyways.
Why'd you have to drag Yakult into this? The divorce has been hard enough on her.
Dallas, who is that clown? How old is he? And what is with the all white? You two have to dress in all white, is that it? It is the color of positivity, and you're just jealous because we pop.
- We pop, George, and you don't.
- I pop.
I will thank you to remember that I'm not a child.
I am a full-grown woman, George.
Full-grown! And I don't need you telling me what or whom to do.
No.
You know what? This is my dazzling crystal emporium.
You leave! Hello, Dalia.
Are you looking for the comfort of a stable home? Or for Ryan? Because he's at practice.
Actually, I'm here for Lisa.
Who? Lisa.
The girl one? You leave Lisa alone.
She never did anything to anyone.
Me and Lisa have plans to hang out.
This can't be happening.
This this isn't real.
- Excuse me.
- You ready? Is that a purse? Ready.
Lisa, did you finish all your homework? No.
You can do it later then.
She has no curfew.
You can bring her back whenever you're done with her.
Fred, it's happening! Dalia was so desperate to get back at me She didn't care who she hurt along the way.
It's not my fault.
Your eyeball is so big, it keeps getting in my way.
Sorry.
Almost done.
There.
Now your eyelashes aren't so stumpy.
I-I don't even recognize myself.
That's what I was going for.
Thanks, bitch.
Jill, you're four shades blonder.
Who brought you that buttery? Noah, I'm leaving you.
Was it aliyah? She typically stays within the ash family.
I'm going to stay with Dallas until I figure out what I want to do.
Dallas.
Okay.
See, I knew I knew she would pull something like this.
Dallas isn't to blame, Noah.
You are.
Yoni tried to heal my energy and couldn't.
He said you're toxic.
I'm toxic? "Like winter in Ro-mah-nia.
" He's from South America.
- He also said you're constipating.
- Constipating? According to Yoni, yes.
Yes, you are, and it makes perfect sense to me.
I partake in a diet that is very high in fiber, yet I seldom see results.
You think you're gonna go more without this guy? Well, let me tell you something.
You're not a regular girl, Jill! You never have been.
You never will be.
Good-bye, Noah.
Fine.
I'm fine with that.
Fine.
He's been like this for hours.
The the tears come and go.
Constipating? I mean, how can another person be constipating? Where were you? I had a court reserved and everything.
I'm standing there like a moron, holding my balls in my hand.
A.
J.
, my wife left me, okay?! I don't need it from you today! Do me a favor.
Get me some curly fries and a diet anything.
I'm off the clock, A.
J.
And a Shirley Temple for red.
I-is that supposed to be me? A.
J.
, never love.
Come on.
You think 'cause I'm 9 3/4 I haven't been there? I've been there.
I went through a similar thing with this girl from my Hebrew school, but did I lay on the bottom bunk and cry my fat little eyes out? Absolutely not.
I went on the field trip, as scheduled, and held hands with her best friend.
What happened? Did it work? Did you get her back? Let's just say this visor I'm wearing is from her.
Okay, that that is a pretty sweet visor, but I don't know if you can tell from where you're standing, but the accents are leather.
Leather.
George.
Yeah, I-I'm not sure you should be taking marital advice from A.
J.
Do you have any better ideas? Yeah, do you, George? Maybe A.
J.
was on to something.
Even Shakespeare agreed with his approach.
"Be fire with fire.
"Threaten the threatener and outface the brow of bragging horror.
" What Shakespeare's trying to say - is to fight back.
- Excuse me.
He doesn't want king John to just lie down and take it.
Good.
Turn to act four, scene two.
You want a snack? No, thanks.
I had some string cheese on the way over.
Good.
Then I'm just gonna jump right in.
As you know from the note I passed you, Dalia is using Lisa to get back at me Correct.
And I can imagine Lisa's probably really getting on your nerves by now.
Let's just say I hate her.
Understood.
So now let me ask you two questions.
How far are you willing to go to get rid of her And how do you feel about corduroy? What's up, Chatswin?! Throw them fists in the air.
I can't believe Lisa bailed on dance practice twice.
You have a new dance partner now Kimantha.
Kimantha can't dougie.
You have to teach her, Malik.
I tried.
Look, we're in crisis mode, okay? Hey, guys.
Kimantha's our Lisa until Lisa stops being Dalia.
Fine.
Did you practice the arms? I did, Malik.
I swear.
Ladies, I buy drinks for to make your throats wet.
Thank you, Yoni! My throat hasn't been this wet in years.
Good news, Jill.
There's so much more wetness coming towards your face.
I started a tab at the bar.
Noah, I do not feel good about how much chest hair we are showing.
Why three buttons? Why not three buttons? You look sexy, man.
Thank you.
Sexy as hell, and I'm not the only one that's noticing.
I really don't think you're gonna make Jill come back by hitting on other women in front of her at a club.
Did the tale of A.
J.
and the girl from his Hebrew school mean nothing to you? Those are children.
Jill just glanced over here, and she looked pissed And hot! As it turns out, adolescent behavior doesn't work so well outside the walls of high school.
Lucky for me, I was still a sophomore.
it's working, Evan.
You're falling in love with me? - What? - What? I know you're really uncomfortable.
I'm uncomfortable, too.
I had no idea my ex-boyfriend was gonna be deejaying.
When I get hurt feelings, I bury them by ordering riding boots online.
Wanna try? Lisa may have temporarily forgotten who she was, but she certainly hadn't forgotten who she wanted to be.
Don't let me catch you with that thirsty little swag-jacker again.
Look, I'm not even seeing Scott Strauss anymore, so can this just be over? Because trying to use Lisa against me was low, even for you, Dalia.
My parents are getting a divorce, you know.
I know And that sucks, and I'm sorry.
I'm sure it's really painful.
You know what's gonna be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I'm your new sister and dad likes me best, and then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love, and on visiting day, I come up and steal your new girlfriend.
The following spring, we marry in a civil ceremony, which you are forced to cater, and everyone hates your catering, and you get a bad review on yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture.
Okay.
Well, enjoy the rest of your dance.
This reminds me of the old days Piggin' out after the clubs at 4:00 A.
M.
Yeah.
It's 8:45.
And I have heartburn.
You are welcome to crash here.
You are, but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you You are acting like a grade "A" jackass.
Jill is the love of your life.
You know it, and I know it, and if she doesn't know it, then, man, you are doing something wrong.
You know how stubborn she is.
Don't you be stubborn, Noah.
It's gonna slip away.
If you don't do everything you can to save it, it's gonna slip away, and you're gonna regret it.
Take it from someone who knows.
In life, there are firefighters and there are arsonists, and if you don't want to watch it all burn down, you'd better know how to put out a blaze.
Thanks for letting me stay.
Are you sure that Dalia won't mind? Mind? She won't even know you were here.
There's a school dance tonight, so she won't be home till morning, if at all.
Would you like to wear one of her tiaras to bed? I shouldn't.
Mrs.
Jill Werner, are you in there? Is my wife, Mrs.
Jill Werner, in there? Mrs.
Jill Werner, are you in there? Noah, what the hell are you doing? I fixed the showerhead! And now I'm here to sweep you off your feet.
Where did you get that horse? I, uh, it's never mind.
Now we will go to our castle, and I will take you upstairs and make love to you, and you are going to let me And afterwards, you're going to make me a sandwich! He still thinks he's calling the shots.
Steven would have never ridden a horse for me And we had one.
But No "buts" about it, Jill Werner.
You get your skinny ass up there on that horse, or I'll do it for you.
That man loves you.
Chivalry was alive and well in Chatswin.
As it turns out I'll have a small vanilla with mango to go.
You got it.
It may have become the latest trend.
I'll I'll pay for hers, too.
Thanks.
Hi.
I'll have a small vanilla with mango.
Yours has already been paid for.
It has? By whom? I learned something tonight.
What's that? Don't try to beat a yellow light on horseback.
Right.
Thank you for breaking my fall.
I would break every bone in my body for you.
I hope you know that.
You could have just fixed the shower instead.
One more on my mouth.
Come on, you hard-ass! One more on my mouth.
I love you, woman! I love you, too.
If you want to do any sprucing up while you're under, now's the time to say so! After our trial separation, I had to admit, it was nice to have Lisa back.
Her room smells like newborn babies.
- I've been in there.
lt doesn't.
- It did to me.
Look, I know that you guys are probably still mad at me for going to hang with Dalia, but I just want to say that if I had to do it all over again, I would still go hang with Dalia, because I know you guys are my real friends, and real friends can take each other for granted.
She's joking, right? Of course.
Now go get me something to drink.