Suburgatory (2011) s01e20 Episode Script

Hear No Evil

And unlike a wooden hanger, it will never depreciate.
In Chatswin, there was no end to what people were willing to spend money on.
Noah had invested in the best surrogate that money could buy, but in the process El Scorcho.
Pretty heavy hand with the pepper there.
He had become overly invested.
Pepper is quite healthful, Noah.
It's an antioxidant.
I'm very sensitive to spice.
Chances are, my baby is as well.
If eat anything that upsets the baby, I'll be the first to know.
I'm not so sure about that.
Us Werners tend to suffer in silence.
The men do, anyway.
You know, I just find Alicia keys to be a very beautiful woman.
That's all.
No one is arguing with you, dad.
No one.
Do we really have to talk about this? Your mother is distracted, Lisa, so this is the perfect time to talk about Alicia keys.
There she is.
George! I missed you.
Noah was protective over his investment, and the fact that dad was dating her didn't help.
George! Come pee with me.
What's with all the sexual chemistry out there between you and Eden? I thought we had an agreement.
I didn't agree to not have sexual chemistry with her.
Look at her, man.
She's gorgeous, and I'm crazy about her.
What? What do you want me to do? Picture her insides full of blood and mucus and baby bones.
I am so turned on right now.
Not funny, George! It's not.
Look, every time I close my eyes, all I can see is my beautiful fetus bathing in your germs and your saliva.
It's like every time you grope her, you're groping my baby with your meaty peasant hands! How far have you gone? Te me.
Tell me the truth.
We're dating.
I've kissed her.
You kissed her where? On her face? On her mouth? Inside her mouth? Did you kiss her inside her mouth, George? Damn it! Tell me.
I have a right to know.
Noah, you're losing your mind.
Please relax.
I didn't want it to come to this, but it has.
Things have gotten blurry, too blurry.
It's time that we properly defined them.
Are you serious? A contract? Okay, this This is crazy, man.
No.
You're crazy, man.
Who dates a woman full of blood and mucus and baby bones? Look, it's everything you agreed to when we shook.
This is just reshaking, but with a pen.
Well, I'm a notary.
You know I'm a notary.
I didn't know.
Hello, Sheila.
As a concerned neighbor, I feel it is my duty to warn you about the pitfalls of surrogacy.
That woman is a toxic spill polluting the pristine waters of your familial love.
Trust me, Jill.
I am speaking from experience here.
Once she passes that placenta, her hormones will plummet, and so will her sanity.
Her sole focus will become stealing your husband, your baby, or both.
She's probably fantasizing about pushing you down a flight of stairs right now.
Always a pleasure, Sheila.
Thank you, dear.
It's so cute, and chef Alan is a chef, so it's perfect! Of course it's perfect.
It's as if someone with crystal eyes looked into your heart and crystallized your love for him.
Pricey, though.
Look, if you think I'm gonna pressure you into buying this 35-pound crystal chef's hat, I'm not.
You're not? Of course not.
This crystal was clearly made for chef Alan.
If you don't buy it, I'm sure somebody else will.
It would be a shame for that other person to soak up all that glory I'll take it! Somebody's gonna get lucky tonight.
Girl, you are amazing.
No one pushes crystal rock like you.
I have to admit, it's a rush.
I never thought I'd be good at this sort of thing, and I am loving my new disposable income.
Let me tell you, as a newly independent woman, earning your own money is like icing on the cake of liberation! Dallas, I think it's really awesome, what you did.
Instead of getting depressed about your divorce, you decided to try something new, and now look.
You're a huge success.
We're a huge success.
"Tessa Altman.
Ultimate sales manager grand supreme.
" I made up that title myself.
Thank you, Tessa.
Thank you, Dallas.
Great to see you, hanson.
You're looking well.
And, Tessa Along with your new promotion comes a new crystal-encrusted crystal cup of crystals uniform! - Is that a - A chiffon wristlet! Thanks, Dallas.
It's amazing.
You're amazing.
I can see you following in my footsteps someday.
George must be so proud of how hard you're working.
Honestly, I haven't seen much of my dad lately.
No? In fact, George's romance with Eden Was entering its second trimester, and I still hadn't even met the woman.
You know, if all these people planted vegetables instead of grass, they could put a huge dent in the world's hunger crisis.
You that that that is what I love about you.
I see a dude watering his lawn, and you see an opportunity to heal the world.
I can't wait for Tessa to meet you.
You all right? Man.
That was a good one.
You okay? You want to feel the baby kick? No.
I shouldn't feel anything.
Was that Cool.
Yeah.
I felt it.
You want to feel something else? Baby bones! What? Is everything okay, George? Because I feel like you pull away every time I try - to get intimate with you.
- Well, yes, but that's usually only when I have to go number two.
That is intimate.
Look, until you've bathed in a solid crystal bathtub, you haven't bathed at all.
Hi.
I It is one of those over-the-top indulgences that is worth every penny, like an armored vehicle.
Just think about it.
I have other customers waiting.
You must be - Eden.
Hi.
- Tessa Altman Ultimate sales manager grand supreme.
Eden, did you meet The person who used to be my daughter? Tessa, what happened to you? I got promoted.
See? Okay.
Really? Is that what all these boxes are about? Kind of.
Dallas said I needed to step up my image in order to invite success.
If I showed up to work looking like you, George, people would think I was there to clean the floors, which I'm not Except for when we're closed.
This purse cost more than every article of clothing I have ever owned Combined.
I guess, economically, you and I are in different places, George.
It was great meeting you.
Go for Tessa.
You changed your mind? No, it's still available.
We need a 10% deposit.
I briefly take my eye off the ball, and she turns into Imelda Marcos.
She seemed great.
What? She seemed awful.
The hair and the nails and the shopping That is not Tessa.
I wouldn't be too hard on her.
It sounds like her friend Dallas is the one pushing her into this, and that's how teenagers are.
Dallas is no teenager, though.
No, she's a full-grown woman.
Full-grown! Well, it's very normal for girls to pattern themselves after the women in their lives.
Sounds like Dallas is her primary influence.
Well, that's kinda why I wanted her to meet you.
Dernk! "Dernk"? "I'm speaking from experience" That's what Sheila Shay said when I overheard her talking in the bathroom, and that sentence just kept gnawing at me.
I knew there was something to it.
There had to be, so I went through every box in the garage, until I found this.
"Homeland adoption"? Exactly.
I don't get it.
Why is the woman I call "mother" driven into hysterics because someone's using a surrogate? She's driven into hysterics over people not putting Rosemary in their chicken salad, which is actually really good.
She's fixated on the idea that someone can lay claim to someone else's baby, and why? Because I'm adopted, and after all these years, my real mother has been out there looking for me.
Seems a little far-fetched, if you ask me.
My real mother could be Tori Amos.
No.
Edie Brickell.
Have you seen my fart joke book? I got a big phone call coming up, and I need to make a joke about a fart.
Get out of my room.
You got a sec? Sure.
What's up? Well, I feel like it's been ages since we had a chance to talk one-on-one.
Cut the cuticles or just push back? - Just push back, please.
- Okay.
Costs more for the home visits, but it is worth it.
Ibiza's excellent.
Thank you.
You know you're allowed to save money, right? It doesn't expire.
It's for work.
Dallas says, "our nails are not just nails.
" They are crystal display sticks.
" Are you sure that wasn't Imelda Marcos? I don't know what that means.
It turns out there's a Fellini festival a couple towns over Starts next Tuesday.
I was thinking the three of us could go.
I'm not sure Ibiza likes Fellini.
Too quirky for the sake of being quirky.
I meant you, me, and Eden.
What day were you thinking? Any day Any day is tough for me.
I work after school.
Well, couldn't you take a day off? It's been forever since you and I have seen a Fellini movie together.
That is great, Ibiza.
Fleshy nude? Yeah.
Thanks.
Look, I don't I don't have my calendar with me.
How about you leave me a voice mail with the details? - I should be able to make June work.
- Yeah.
July at the latest.
Tessa is doing such an amazing job.
I just wish some of her work ethic would rub off on Dalia.
Well That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
See, I'm worried Tessa may be working too hard.
My gosh.
Has she fallen behind on her studies? - No.
- Does she seem physically stressed or mentally exhausted? Well, no, not really.
I just think Tessa is getting a little wrapped up in the whole crystal business.
Well, yes, she most certainly is.
She's a little crystal superstar.
Yeah, but I feel like she's missing out on the opportunity to care about things that aren't made of crystal And to get to know Eden.
Eden.
I see.
Well, George, this may be none of my beeswax, but I'm gonna share a little advice that Dalia's shrink gave me "Lovers come and go, so it's best not "to bring 'em around your kinder until you're kinda sure you're kindred.
" Well, that's the thing, Dallas.
I-I think Eden and I may be kindred.
I mean, I hope we are.
I didn't realize you two were so serious.
Well, that's terrific, George.
So you'll help? Well, of course I will.
I wouldn't want my business standing in the way of your blissness.
Right.
Well, thank you, Dallas.
Mommy, your wi-fi sucks.
I know it does, honey.
What are you looking for? Family secrets.
They keep those in the potting shed.
Gotcha.
I feel so much more comfortable having my pregnancy portrait done now that I'm not actually pregnant.
My pregnancy portrait from last time looked so Fat.
Yeah.
No, I see it.
No, th-this pregnancy has been kind to you.
I gotta say that.
You look fabulous.
I feel sensational.
Thanks again, Mrs.
Shay, for insisting on carrying my produce.
Well, you know what they say about lifting things when you're pregnant Don't.
Eden's home! Just in time.
That was an awfully warm welcome.
Do you want my belly in the portrait? No! No.
No, no, no.
I want to work on some early language techniques - with the fetus.
- Hello, fetus! It's Dr.
Noah Werner ohh.
A.
K.
A.
Your dad.
If you've been paying attention in there, you know that China is the largest holder of U.
S.
debt, so I think it's prudent that you learn a little mandarin.
"Ni hao"! Noah, your baby doesn't even have eyelashes yet.
I don't think it's gonna learn Chinese.
If you really wanted to be helpful, you'd give me a foot massage.
Carrying your baby around is killer on the arches.
Really? I'm surprised.
Those lesbian clogs look comfortable, if nothing else.
So, Eden, how are things going with George Altman? Good, I think.
He got to feel the baby kick the other day.
He did? That's - That's great, Noah.
- My.
Seems your husband has nearly brought her to ecstasy.
I don't know if I'd say that, but it is a darn good foot massage.
I gotta scoot, though.
George and I are taking Tessa to a movie.
No.
No, no, no.
Not today you're not.
We have the ultrasound scheduled.
That's not till next week.
We moved it up.
Our numerologist needs to know the sex of the baby so he can get started on names.
I wish you would have told me.
I'm telling you now.
Next time, George, I'd appreciate it if you let me schedule my own days off.
Well, Fellini waits for no man.
Trust me, Tessa.
This is gonna be fun.
Eden.
We're almost there.
I'm sorry.
I can't go.
Jill moved the ultrasound without telling me.
I'm telling you now! Bummer.
Well, I-I guess I guess they can't do that without you, Believe me, I wish they could.
George, they're acting really weird.
Jill's all uptight, and I don't even know what's going on with Noah.
Every time I mention your name, he tweaks out.
Is that George?! Okay, ok You know what? Maybe Tessa and I should come with you for moral support.
Really? You guys would do that? Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
W-we'll see you there.
Now I'm just missing work to go watch your girlfriend get her baby checked? It'll be better than Fellini.
It'll be Felliniesque.
Hello.
We're Fred and Sheila Shay, and we would love to welcome another special life Into our home.
Keep it together, Fred.
We love to travel.
- Yeah, we just went - To Costa Rica.
We love waterskiing, and we have a chr A strong Christian faith.
We've got so much love to give.
Yeah.
So many blessings to share.
Won't you please consider us? Now you've got me going.
Disgusting.
Okay, it's weird.
I'll give you that, but it's inconclusive.
Malik, they tricked some poor acoustic songstress with naturally curly hair into giving me up With lies.
They don't water-ski.
Lisa, even if you are adopted, how is that gonna change anything? You're a Shay now.
That's all that matters.
That is not all that matters.
If I'm not biologically related to my family, then there's still hope.
I can grow up to be anyone.
Aren't we gonna make out? Malik, I'm obviously going through some stuff right now.
Just handle your own business, okay? I've never had an audience this big before.
Well, some of us are having a hard time respecting other people's boundaries.
I couldn't agree more.
That that is hilarious, coming from you.
What is that supposed to mean? You know exactly what it's supposed to mean.
Tessa, if you keep looking at the monitor, you'll see the baby in a minute.
Would someone like to spread the jelly? - I'll do it.
- I'll do it.
He wants to touch her bare tummy.
Noah, don't touch her bare tummy.
Why does he get to do it? It's my baby in there.
It's fine.
I-I'd be happy to do it myself.
That's a great idea.
Sorry.
Is that cold? Can you talk a little bit about the advantage of maintaining a healthy sex life during pregnancy? I think it might put someone's mind at ease.
My mind? Is she talking about my mind? I doubt she's talking about your mind, Noah.
I'm talking about George's mind.
That's what the "dernk" was about, wasn't it? Sweetheart, uh, can we talk about this later? There was a dernk? You dernked her? Anyone want anything from the vending machine? I'll take a gummy anything.
I'm gonna get something really loud and crunchy so I can't hear myself think.
A lot of fathers are concerned about sex during pregnancy No.
I'm not I'm not I'm not concerned.
He's not the father! But, truthfully, it's fantastic for the baby.
It strengthens the pelvic floor, increases blood flow to the uterus, and at the height of the sexual response cycle, it's like a fun little roller coaster ride for the baby.
I wouldn't put my baby on a roller coaster.
- Why are you here? - She's right.
I don't want my baby on a roller coaster.
It's dangerous.
Your baby has not been on a roller coaster, okay? He'd better not have been, because we have a contract - And if there is a breach - The baby's not in breech.
I will take your car! A contract? What's he talking about? I don't like the way you're behaving, Noah.
It's like he's obsessed with Eden.
Why are you here? This contract was not my idea.
So that's why you don't want to be intimate with me, because you have a contract with Noah? Who does that?! Excuse me.
I-I don't mean to interrupt, but I think all the fighting is stressing out the baby.
I'm not sure if you guys can tell, but he's covering his little ears.
This is insane.
A crazy person wrote this.
I know.
I know, but when Noah wants something, he can be very intense.
Yeah.
I've seen that firsthand.
I was just I was trying to preserve our friendship, but after today, I don't care.
All I care about is being with you.
George, I can't live like this.
That ultrasound image will haunt me forever.
My only job is to make sure that this baby has a healthy and happy gestation, and I failed.
You didn't fail.
No, I-I mean, it's not me.
It's them.
I can't stay here, not after what I saw today.
This house is toxic, and for the good of the baby and my own sanity, I've gotta go back to Montana.
Eden, I'm sorry, but I can't let that happen.
But I like working here, and I like spending time with you.
I like spending time with you, too, but it'll be part-time, not full-time.
Tessa, nothing's more important than family, and you have to make time for yours, and from the sound of things, that might include Eden now, too.
Dad can't dictate who my family is.
I'm happy for him and all, but I hardly know Eden.
She's just a Pregnant vagabond? Told myself I wasn't gonna say that.
Well, Dallas officially cut my hours back.
Hope you're happy.
I'm not.
I-I-I went about it the wrong way, and I'm sorry, Tessa, but I didn't like what that money was doing to you, and and I want us to have more family time at home.
Yeah? I really, really hope the motivation behind this isn't forcing me to hang out with your pregnant girlfriend, 'cause That's not gonna happen.
Well, that's the thing, Tessa.
It kinda is.
No, I I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
You got it? Yeah.
Here we go.
Hi.
It's just temporally, we're not "officially" moving in together.
I wanted to discuss it with you, but there just wasn't time.
Come on, Tessa.
Don't be mad.
The parent-child relationship is a strange one.
You grow up thinking they're superheroes who can do no wrong, but then one day the cape comes off and you see them for who they really are, and if you don't like what you see Tough luck.
You're stuck together.
Why? Because you're family.
Unless, of course You're not.