Suburgatory (2011) s02e18 Episode Script

Brown Trembler

They say he who is content with the least is the richest of all.
If that's true, then Opus and the newly divorced Noah Werner were completely destitute.
But living large came at a price A price steeper than the $50 oatmeal Hey, you want a duck? Steeper than the bath Butler Yes.
Steeper than the premium tuck-in service.
- A price that, from under the drape - Mm.
Of the custom blackout drapes, he never saw coming.
Whoa.
He hello ladies.
To what do I owe this home invasion? Seriously, I haven't seen the Chatswin mom militia out in force for quite some time.
We're here about Opus.
Opus Werner.
Ah.
Spot of tea, George? I'm good.
Then I'll cut to the chase.
Noah has Opus living like a pagan in a hotel.
So? Are you deliberately being obtuse right now, George? Children should be raised in a respectable 3-bedroom home.
With a picket fence.
And window boxes.
Where Noah is living is none of our business.
And by ours, I mean yours.
So maybe stand down? Stand down? I see.
Did former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton stand down when she penned her 1996 "New York Times" bestseller? I'm gonna guess "no"? It takes a village, George, and we're the village people.
Noah is going through a divorce.
You have to give him time to iron out the details.
Having raised a child as a single dad, I assure you, it can be done.
Well, bravo to all you single parents.
What an idiot I am.
I struggled to keep my marriage intact, gave up any theoretical, exciting career plans, and stayed home to cook meals for my children.
But apparently, I could have been raising them on room service.
You know what? II appreciate your concern, and I'm sure Noah does, too.
But This is more than concern.
If you won't do something, the village people will.
I'll admit living in a tight-knit community could be oppressive at times, but that was what made Chatswin such a safe place to live.
Aah! Now be a good girl and let me in, or so help me, I will break the glass.
Okay.
Mr.
Shay, what is wrong with you? Well, that's what I need you to tell me.
It all started this morning when I was leaving for work.
Have a great day.
No, you have a great day, Fred.
You have a great, great day.
Let go of my lunch.
What's in here? I want it! Oh, yeah? Well, there's something I want.
I don't know if I wanna hear this story.
Oh, are you worried there's gonna be sex? Don't be.
There's never any sex in any of my stories.
There's an opening, Fred, a really juicy opening.
I want you to move on it and slide in there before someone else does.
This is it, Fred.
This is your chance to get back on the sales team where you belong.
Oh, but, Sheila, sales is so cutthroat, competitive.
As a junior secretary, I know where I stand.
My blood pressure's down.
I even have my own catchphrase "Anybody need anything?" That's not a catchphrase.
That's the sound a man makes when he's bringing home half the salary he used to.
Now you take this Waldorf salad sandwich and you go get that job! Go get it! Go get 'em! Go get 'em! Okay.
Seriously, go get it.
- Go.
Go get it.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Right.
Okay.
Well, then what are you doing here? It sounds like you should be out getting that job.
Well, I want to.
But the new sales manager, Todd, thinks anyone over 30 is a dinosaur.
Now I know what you're thinking dinosaurs are awesome.
Agreed.
But apparently, in Todd's world, not so.
Please, Tessa.
He's young and he's from Manhattan.
Teach me your urban ways.
I don't really have any "ways.
" Well, then, at least tell me what I need to feel current.
Uh Oh do do I need one of these? If your phone is dying.
Okay, well, let's just assume that it is.
Uh, Mr.
shay, instead of demonstrating your phone-charging capabilities, have you considered emphasizing your vast sales experience? Sales experience? Judy Walker was the most experienced sales rep we had.
She got fired because she didn't know who Katie Holmes was.
And God save my wretched soul, Tessa, neither do I.
Please.
You have to help me.
Well, I do know who Katie Holmes is.
I knew it! Thank you, lord.
Meanwhile, Dallas was about to take on a new project of her own.
Dalia's appetite for material things was becoming a nightmare.
What in blue blazers is going on in here? What's the problem, mommy? Dalia, this closet is bursting at the seams like a Christina Aguilera dress, which is not a comment on her weight, but rather on the tightness of her attire.
I know.
She really crams it in there.
Just like me with my closet.
I need a bigger one.
We have enlarged the closets in your room four times already, and they were generous to begin with.
Enough is enough.
It's just my stuff, mommy.
Dalia, this closet is an embarrassment.
And you're gonna spend the rest of the day organizing it, do you hear me? Now if you need storage space, you can always put some things under your Dalia Oprah you're a hoarder.
Get out of my room.
What's in the trunk? Don't.
Mommy, no.
Aah! Aah! Look at all these purses! Who in their right mind needs this many purses? I do.
Look here, Dalia! There is a very thin line between you and those cray-cray people who live in homes full of newspaper.
And just 'cause these items are expensive doesn't change the fact that you're hoarding them.
And hoarding is greedy and ungracious.
You hear me? It's time to make some tough decisions.
You need to get rid of all the stuff that you don't need, or I'll do it for you.
Well, I just stopped by to, you know, see how everybody's doing.
Never better, George.
Never better.
This place is not only meeting our needs it is anticipating our wants around-the-clock room service, in-room massage, twice-a-day maid service, and the best part about it, I'm putting it all on my platinum card.
Miles, George.
Great.
Great.
But, uh, what what's the long-term plan? I mean, you can't you can't live in a hotel forever.
Or can I? Howard Hughes did so quite nicely, as did James Woods.
Khloe and Lamar.
Right, but they weren't raising small children.
Right.
Well God's honest, I'm not entirely liquid at the moment.
I'm having some cash flow issues.
Mommy and her divorce lawyer haven't missed a trick.
Where are my nuggets? I'm sorry, Mr.
Werner, but it has come to my attention that you've been conducting yourself in a manner that makes it impossible for you to continue to stay at our facility.
Whoa.
What's he talking about? - I have no idea.
- Don't you? He's been romancing more than one member of our service staff.
You've been having sex with housekeeping? - Absolutely not! - I did not say those words.
I said he was "romancing" them - Which he has been.
- Come on! I'm not allowed to tell Rosa That I love her? No, sir.
No, you are not, particularly if you're going to say the same thing to Marilyn.
But I do love Marilyn.
I love them both.
And I love Dottie for bringing me fresh pineapple by the pool.
And I love Cynthia.
Oh, my God, I love her.
She makes my dinner reservation every night at 7:00.
The service floor is in chaos, sir.
Fighting.
Hair-pulling.
Tears.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to invite you to leave.
Wait a minute.
Okay, you're kicking me out for loving the service here? Precisely right.
I've taken the liberty of preparing your bill.
Whoa! Yeah.
But as I said, I get the miles.
Still, that is really a lot.
George, could you tip the man, please? Listen, I love a good V.
V.
as much as the next juicer.
Don't say "juicer.
" I love a good V.
V Wait.
What's a V.
V.
again? Viral video, right? I thought you taught me that.
No.
I've never heard that phrase.
But it's fine.
Continue.
Okay.
Um, right.
I love a good V.
V.
as much as the next web head, but that jam was fin as soon as it left Gangnam.
Opp? Opp? It's from the song.
I think it's Korean.
Anyway opp? Then I whip out my charger, charge my phone, and I close with, Chatswin is so ghetto.
Uh honestly, I don't think we're quite there.
How much time do we have? None.
I've got 15 minutes to wheely to work.
All right.
Um, maybe just lose the wheelys, and change "ghetto" to "midtown.
" And get a little bacitracin for that earlobe.
All right.
Thanks.
Mommy.
What are you doing with my lambo? Dalia, step off.
I told you point-blank if you didn't fill those boxes I left in your room, I'd fill 'em for you.
Now I'm just getting rid of the kid stuff things you haven't touched in years.
You haven't been touched in years.
Dalia, you're lashing out.
That's my first lambo, mommy.
It only has 10,000 miles on it.
You can't give it away.
And I bet you'd say the same thing about your play mansion - I would.
- And those two toddler-size helicopters - parked on the roof.
- Mm-hmm.
But those items would make very charitable donations.
I don't see you giving any of your stuff away.
Not so.
Look at those boxes by the front door.
I'm gettin' rid of all my adult dress-up clothes.
George isn't into role-playing, so I no longer need my crotchless firefighter outfit.
Now it's your turn to get rid of some things that you haven't played with, like that lambo I'm playing with it, mommy.
I'm playing with it right now.
George! Yeah? Again, buddy, I can't thank you enough for agreeing to put us up.
Yeah.
No no problem, man.
I just wanna see you get back on your feet.
Yes.
I cannot wait to get off my feet.
Oh.
Right.
Okay, well, you know where the kitchen is.
Help yourself.
Just let us know what's on your lunch menu, and any lighter fare you might have for when we're playing outside.
The pull-out couch is all made up for you.
Look at that.
We're gonna be as comfy as a couple of motel 6-ers.
Hmm? Yeah.
Ow.
Something wrong? No.
All right, I'm a little worried that Opus and I might bleed to death from the million little cuts that we're going to get from these rough sheets.
Look, we've already been through so much.
Fine.
I'll see what else we have.
So we're looking for someone who understands young urbanites.
Our product targets twenty-somethings who struggle with lethargy during the day, caused by insomnia at night.
Sleep when we're dead.
Am I right? I hope not.
Uh, their circadian rhythms are being confused by Arcade Fire.
- What? - 'Cause I know what that is.
And that is a band.
Right.
But it's not Arcade Fire.
Uh, our research shows it's Katie Holmes? Katie Bosworth? Katie Middleton? Katie Upton? Cat Daddy? Wanna Cat Daddy? No.
Uh, II do not.
I don't.
Oh? Yeah.
Okay.
Um, anyways, it's light.
Oh.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Light from cell phones and monitors, and various other gadgets, which is exactly how we intend to reach them, through our social media campaign.
- O.
M.
G.
- Yeah.
I can't believe you just said "social media campaign.
" Because I'm antisocial socially, but I'm super social social-medially.
Uh, in fact, I would say social media is my main Hey, hold on.
Do you mind if I just charge my phone real quick? - I just wanna charge it all up - Yeah.
'Cause dead phones are ghetto.
Sure.
Yeah.
Anyway, where were we? You were saying how active you are on social media.
- Mm.
- So you tweet? Like a brown trembler.
Great.
Well, you're obviously very experienced in the pharmaceutical sales field, - Yep.
Mm-hmm.
- And I can see you're extremely passionate.
Oh, yeah.
Todd, I love you, and I will love on you if I get this job, which I would love Okay.
Bro.
Okay.
Well, how about this I will follow you on Twitter, and if I like what I see, uh, you'll hear something by the end of the week.
There.
Now, instead of lookin' at herself bathed in prosperity, Dalia can gaze upon Fatmire an Albanian orphan who has nothin'.
Oh.
Imagine what a girl like Fatmire would do with that toy lambo.
Uh, drag it into the next village and trade it for clean water? Hmm.
Seems like a lot of legwork for poor Fatmire.
You know what, baby? I think it's great that you're trying to educate Dalia about those less fortunate and curb the excess.
Maybe when you're done here, you can talk to Noah.
His lifestyle is insane.
And the worst part of it is, he expects everyone else to cater to him.
This is the second run I've made for new sheets.
Apparently, the ones I bought yesterday they weren't up to his lofty standards.
Careful.
Those are gateway sheets.
That's exactly how it started with Dalia.
At first it was small things designer diapers, toddler tanning bed, then the next thing you know, you're standing in J.
F.
K.
, trying to explain to U.
S.
customs why you're smuggling half a dozen baby leopards into the country none of whom survived the flight.
So heed my warning and draw some boundaries.
I know, but my heart goes out to the guy.
You remember how tough it is when you first start doing it on your own.
I do, but the sooner he can stand on his own two feet, the better.
You taught me that.
- Did I? - Mm-hmm.
You know what? You are right.
II thought I was helping him, but really, I'm I'm just enabling him.
And you need to disable him like I'm about to disable Dalia.
Hey, you want me to send these sheets to Fatmire? Um you know, for a 14-year-old girl, she looks a hell of a lot like Alan Rickman, doesn't she? Psst.
Tessa.
Big news.
Todd is following me.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
I'm one step closer.
Congrats.
I owe it all to you.
I'm trying to study.
Okay, well, study me.
Study this.
Look, Mr.
Shay, I was late to school yesterday trying to help you prepare, and now I'm trying to make up for the work I missed, so How 'bout this? You help me tweet something awesome, and you'll never have to work a day in your life.
If I get this job, all your needs will be met.
I wanna meet my own needs, and so should you.
Okay.
Well, at least let me know what you think of my tweet so far.
"Something, something, #awesome," space, "#youknowi'mright!" I'm still circling what "#awesome" thing I might be right about, now it's either phone chargers, midtown, or colace, which is a fantastic water-based stool softener.
Can I ask you something? What if you get this job? What then? What if you convince Todd that you are a media-savvy hipster with a fully charged phone and the softest B.
Ms in midtown? How you gonna keep it up? I just will.
Noah? There he is! My sheets man! What the hell happened in here? Oh.
I ordered in.
It's just like room service, except no one comes to clear it away.
So I'm calling a trash removal service.
They should be here within the hour.
Anything you wanna get rid of? They have a 45-pound minimum.
How much do you weigh? Is that a fat joke? Because I bought this for everyone.
No.
Look, man, I II feel like I'm doing you a disservice.
Well, I wasn't gonna complain, but I did expect you hours ago with those sheets.
I wanted to give you someplace to crash, but you're crash-and-burning.
You need to get it together.
You need to step up and find some place where Opus can sleep where he's not gonna get banana peppers on him.
I'm not saying it has to have a picket fence and a window box, but something.
Figure it out.
So what are you saying? I'm saying I think you should go.
There it is.
Wow.
Unbelievable.
I'm sorry remind me again, who was there for you when Alex left? My downstairs neighbor, Rob Buchman.
That's right.
Rob Buchman.
That's been driving me crazy.
Maybe I should call him! Maybe you should.
Fine.
Why don't you give me the name of your packing service and pull my car around, and we'll get out of your hair? Letting go of your childhood is a necessary step towards becoming an adult.
All right.
And becoming an adult is a necessary step when you are parenting a child.
This is teamwork.
Good job, buddy.
But when the lines get blurry, and you find yourself parenting your middle-aged next-door neighbor The next step is a little less clear.
- Tessa.
- Mr.
Shay.
I found your wheelys on the curb, and I didn't know what to think.
But it looks like you're back to your old self again.
You followed my advice.
No.
I did no such thing.
I fell down three flights of stairs on those infernal contraptions and broke Todd's collarbone.
One of my earholes developed a keloid, and I didn't get the promotion.
But the good news is, I lost my existing job as well as a portion of my earlobe.
That's the good news? Yes.
Because my loss was Sheila's gain.
She grew like a wild carrot in the fertile dung of my failure.
More failure, Fred? I'm sorry.
Filet.
Of sole crushing failure.
Yes, please.
I'm sorry I didn't get the job.
I'm not like you.
I don't have your fury.
You're a lioness.
And I'm The guys who gets the coffee for the lioness? Exactly.
Say, maybe you should stay home with the kids, and I should join the workforce.
Are you trying to have it all? Because I thought we'd agreed that we'd each have some.
Oh, come on, Fred, you said it yourself I'm a lioness.
Maybe I should be bringing home the gazelle.
And what would I do? Come up with a side dish for gazelle.
You don't really need a side dish for gazelle.
It's a very rich, flavorful meat.
But I'm doing a minted couscous, nonetheless.
Well, that sounds delightful.
Oh, it will be.
I've never been happier.
Sheila's out pounding the pavement, and I'm home pounding the cutlets.
I even let my phone die along with my dreams.
J.
K.
#notreally.
Dalia, I'm impressed.
You scaled way back and got organized.
Yeah.
And I found a lot of things I was missing when I cleaned up.
Like penuche.
Oh, my gosh.
He looks hungry.
He shouldn't be.
He ate 15 pairs of my espadrilles not that I needed 15 pairs of espadrilles.
Exactly.
Thattagirl.
Now can we take down the portrait of Alan Rickman? Hi, neighbor! Noah? What what's going on? Margaritas! That's what's going on! I'm having a housewarming.
O-okay, but you you know, you can't live in a playhouse.
One man's playhouse is another man's real house.
- Okay.
- Peter Dinklage said that.
J.
K Peter Dinklage lives in a normal-sized house.
Anyway, I found a sublet.
We're moving in next week.
It has its own washer and dryer, so apparently Opus and I will be learning how to use a washer and dryer.
Well, if Rob Buchman doesn't return your call, I'd be happy to teach you.
I've kind of become aa laundry expert over the years.
Do you mind if I leave this playhouse here For Opus, until I get my own yard? Of, course, man.
Probably shouldn't let him drink and drive.
I'm teasing.
It's non-alcoholic.
Don't tell him.
He likes to feel like a big man.