Suburgatory (2011) s02e21 Episode Script

Apocalypse Meow

After someone dumps you and smashes your heart into a million little pieces, sometimes you blame yourself.
But not in this case.
Tessa, would it be okay if we had a word with you? Sorry, I'm not really in the mood right now.
Um, sometimes we inflect up at the end of our sentences? But that doesn't mean we're asking a question? You know, they do that.
I've noticed.
Wow.
Okay.
So what can I do for you ladies? Ryan shared with us that having your locker so visible from his locker is both distracting and upsetting to him.
Ryan was wondering if you could move your locker into there.
Ryan would really appreciate it.
Really? Ryan said that? Doesn't really sound like Ryan.
It's mean, and it's also kind of complicated.
Are you sure someone else didn't come up with that idea? No.
It was totes Ryan.
This isn't over.
Oh.
Okay.
I know where you don't eat lunch! So, how the big combo with Thessa go? Oh.
Yeah.
It didn't.
But on the other hand Coffee? I just brewed a pot.
George, I will not be distracted by your brewery.
- Although I will take a cup.
- Yeah.
Black, with six equals.
Look, I meant to talk to Tessa this morning.
I really did, but, you know, she's she's just getting over her breakup with Ryan.
Plus she slept in.
Then it looked rainy out.
George McGovern Altman.
That is not my middle name.
Are you afraid of your own daughter? Is that what's going on here? No.
But telling her I unexpectedly sold the house Well, you got a cash offer.
They put a clock on you.
They did.
They put a clock to my head.
It's a lot of pressure.
I hear ya.
I hear ya, too.
Whoa! Sheila, what are you doing here? I'm working.
Unlike you decadent bohemians, I don't have the luxury of sitting around sipping coffee at 8:00 A.
M.
, pantyless.
I am 100% wearing a flesh-colored panty.
She was talking about me.
Hey.
I thought it was your job to sell the house, not occupy it.
If I don't get this dump through inspection, I don't get my commission, and the Shays are living on crackers and tuna.
Now does this look like mold to you or coffee grounds.
Mm.
You're a blonde roast boy.
Should have known.
Okay.
Sheila, this is kind of a private conversation.
So if you don't mind Fine.
I am going to check the discharge on your sump pump.
Look, I don't blame you for being a little wary of springing this on Tessa.
Redheads in particular can be skittish.
But she and I have a rapport.
Maybe I can feel her out on the whole us living together thing.
- Co-parenting.
- Yes.
Right.
Right.
Why not start now? You can talk to her after school.
Okay.
And you can pick up Dalia.
Backseat, huh? Okay.
Could you kill the air back here? Uh, sure.
Good day at school? You might wonder why I'm picking you up today instead of your mom.
No big reason.
Just thought we'd mix it up for once.
And besides, I haven't gotten to connect with you in a while.
I'm not stupid, daddy Altman.
I know what this is.
You and mommy are at the stage in your relationship where you've decided to move in together, only you're worried Tessa won't react well, so you sent mommy to deal with her while you pick me up in your compact, fuel-efficient car.
I'm sorry I had to break that to you.
I know you and Tessa haven't always been the closest.
Tessa and I are great.
We're aces.
Just this morning at school, I was helping her get through her messy public breakup.
If we lived in the same house, I could help her even harder.
That I'm happy to hear that.
You can drop me off just up here on the right.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Keep the change.
What's that? You don't have to Oh, man, I just hope it's not the wrong move, letting Dallas broach this thing with Tessa.
Oh, no.
What? Oh, no.
Carmen and Bob.
Look at him lappin' at her sample like a sailor on shore leave.
He is really getting in there.
That so-called "health care professional" learned the contents of my heart only to tear them asunder! Hey.
Take take it easy.
For a therapist to go after the love interest of a client is wrong in every way, but remember, before she was into him, she wasn't into you.
You need to move on, Noah.
You're right.
I need to move on.
No matter how painful I need to learn to lick my own spoon.
It was hard to concentrate on whatever crap I was supposed to concentrate on when all I could do was think about how to get back at Dalia.
I could tell everyone her biggest secret that she hooked up with Jenna.
It would just be, like, stooping to her level.
Yeah.
And knowing her, the whole thing would backfire and become some cool trend.
It kind of already is.
You wanna make out? Eh, I have gum.
What I really need to do is find Dalia's biggest weakness and ruthlessly exploit it.
There is another path I mean, if you're open enough to explore it.
I said I had gum.
Oh it's not not that.
It's this.
"Meow mix"? It's exactly what you think it is.
A recording of yours truly meowing some of the top hits of the late '80s/early '90s.
Just one listen to my powerful rendition of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and suddenly seeking revenge will seem like, I don't know, "What a Fool Believes" which I also happen to meow on the B-side.
Hey.
Do you mind? Your dad said it was cool for us to come in? It was recently brought to our attention that you still have Ryan's letterman jacket? Gee, I wonder who brought that to your attention.
We'd rather be discreet and not say? Dalia.
I saw her texting with you guys.
So I know it was Dalia.
Would you guys be interested in hearing someone meow Vanessa Williams' "Save the Best for Last"? No? 'Kay.
What happened? I customized it.
You mutilated it.
Ryan gave me that jacket.
And the only reason you're taking it back is because Dalia told you to, 'cause she knew it would hurt me! Which it did.
Okay, here we go.
Uh, I don't wanna sway to it.
- Do we have to sway to it? - Yes.
As Lisa tried to help me find a healthy outlet for my feelings Noah was busy pursuing an angle that was slightly more sinister.
And that's class.
Namaste, my brothers.
Hey! Namaste, Dr.
Bob.
What? Fancy running into you here at the Open Lotus.
I guess our celestial orbits are fated to intersect.
Perhaps.
Or perhaps you're stalking me.
Perhaps.
But look, if I were, it would just be to thank you.
To thank me? Was I angry at first? Naturally.
I wanted to see you dead.
But then I realized I was clinging to a foolish dream, like a like a little child holding on to a balloon.
And thanks to you, I was able to take that beautiful round balloon and let her go.
- I'm happy to hear that.
- Yeah.
But, but, but don't nama-go just yet.
Nama-stay for a second.
I want to thank you.
I want to show you my gratitude.
- That's really not necessary, no.
- Hey.
I got an idea.
Why don't you come into my office for a cleaning? Free.
On the house.
It has been a while since I've been in for a cleaning.
I I shouldn't admit this, but I've always been a bit terrified of the dentist, so Bob, there is nothing to be afraid of.
Nothing.
As Noah's revenge scenario was falling beautifully into place mine was barely taking shape.
Drowning.
Pros Lethal.
Bloated corpse.
Fish-eaten face.
Cons One might say I was avoiding feeling bad about Ryan by focusing all my anger on Dalia, but one should mind their own business.
Hi, hon.
Just wanted to see how you were doing post-breakup.
Oh, I'm doing great.
Someone tell you I wasn't doing great? T-Pain, you don't have to pretend with me.
I know you're hurtin'.
But there is a place where all your troubles will melt away like so much provolone.
So what you do is, you roll your noodles into a big ball, along with all the sauce and cheese and shame and anger and hurt, and then you just stuff it right down.
Mmm.
Speaking of eating things, does Dalia have any life-threatening food allergies I should know about? I don't think so.
Night terrors? What does she fear will come for her when she sleeps? Tessa, is it my imagination, or are you starting to take a sisterly interest in my baby girl? Are you finally starting to consider my little Dalia doodle as part of your family? Because Let me be perfectly clear about one thing there is nothing doodly about Dalia.
And although you two may share superficial similarities, you are a nice person, and she is, in fact, the devil.
Well, that that sounds like it was a disaster.
I don't know what to tell you, George.
I had to abort mission and take my tagliatelle to go.
Did did you bring up the offer on the house? I didn't get the chance to.
That girl of yours has a lot of anger in her heart, and she seems to be directing it all at Dalia.
Maybe we should put this whole move-in plan on hold.
We can't.
They're pushing to close in the next two weeks.
Well, then you need to get up there and talk to her.
Right.
Okay.
I will do that.
It makes sense.
That's what needs to be done, so that's what I'm gonna do right after I take out the trash.
The longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be.
Right.
Or maybe she'll she'll mellow, you know? Like a like a fine wine.
Yeah.
Let's let's let her breathe.
When my direct approach to getting intel on Dalia didn't pan out, I decided to go a little more covert.
All right.
Picture's up.
Although, uh, you really shouldn't be watching this.
It's true.
We don't have a warrant.
No, I meant 'cause the resolution's only 480p.
Hello? 2008 called, they want their component cables back Shut up, Reggie.
She's glossing.
Can we get tighter on this gloss? Okay, I'm not Wes Anderson? Now what is it that you're hoping to gain from this? Information I can use to destroy her.
Okay.
Well, if it's destruction that you're after, I have a far better plan.
If this is at all cat related Step one We undergo training to become certified as two of society's most important professionals.
Notary publics.
Of course.
Then we spend 20, 25 years building a reputation in the Chatswin community.
One day, who's to walk in our door needing a notarized signature on a mortgage document? Is it time-sensitive? You bet it is.
She needs it by the end of the day.
What do we do? We deny her.
Shh.
Something's happening.
Look at that little slut.
She's all over Ryan.
Did you see that? She knows.
Hey, how much does a bed like this go for new? Get out, Reggie.
Yeah, okay.
That makes sense.
I can't believe this.
Outsmarted by Dalia? What has happened to me? It's like I've lost my edge.
Your lesbian boots.
Sorry I let you down, friends.
Sorry I started wearing ballet flats and Chuck Taylors.
I am sorry I forgot about us.
Do you guys need a minute? 'Cause I can come back.
I'm the one who's coming back, Lisa.
I'm the one who's coming back.
Yeah, you is.
Is this procedure going to be at all painful? I have a very low threshold for discomfort.
I bet that's not true.
So you got any travel plans coming up? Funny you should ask.
We were thinking about trying out this new eco-resort in Costa Rica.
C Costa Rica? I am so sorry.
Let me just silence this sext from Carmen.
Open wide.
You just cried down my throat! You stole my true love! I knew this was a mistake.
I never should have come here.
Tell me, doctor.
Tell me wh what magic arrow did you use to pierce her heart? There is no magic, Noah.
There's no big secret.
I just listen to her.
Come again now? In my experience, all women ever want is to feel heard.
And I am a very good listener.
You listen? I don't think I can do that.
I'm not trying to blame-shift.
But you are partly responsible.
I mean, the house wasn't even on the market.
If you are done whining and crumbing up my carpet, I'm ready to drop some science.
Please.
Every teenager loves to scream and shout and text and tweet about how unfair it is that they're not in charge.
And the fact is, being in charge is the last thing that they want.
And despite the fact that many of them dress as old French whores, they are still children, and they're scared.
I've got a stack of parenting books right there that says the same exact thing stop being her friend and start being in charge.
I'm in charge.
Then prove it.
Be the bigger animal.
Tell her, "daddy bear is here, and he is in control.
" Daddy bear.
I like that.
Yeah.
In control.
I can do that.
Wow, all this talk about authority, it reminds me I have to update Fred's chore chart.
Finished hand-washing your underwear, Sheila.
Oh.
Two more stars, you get a pizza party.
Brawr! Pepperoni will be in attendance! Ditto for my best friend fruit punch I love fruit punch.
Once I discovered my old New York boots, it was like I discovered my old New York self.
Because before I softened into Ryan's girlfriend I was kind of a badass.
And I wasn't gonna let some vapid, self-obsessed mall queen bully me.
Oops.
Sorry.
In that green jacket, I thought you were a garbage can.
If you ever want to enter into a legally binding agreement Lisa? I got this.
After endless hours of considering endless ways to get back at Dalia, the answer was finally crystal clear Dalia was a punk, and punks jump up to get beat down.
You know, for a small man, you fight like a girl.
Hi-yah! Jenna says hi.
Ryan says hi.
Your dad says hi.
Your mom says hi.
Where'd he go? Up here, bitch.
Girls! That's it! I want to see both of you in my office! Now! Let go of each other's hair.
Fine.
Keep pulling each other's hair.
But follow me to my office.
Not my eyelash extensions.
Please! I just got them sewn in.
What happened to me? How did I become this violent, blood-thirsty maniac? I'm gonna give you one chance to apologize for being an unrelenting bitch since day one.
Too little too late! And? Didn't hurt a bit.
That's the topical.
It's a good topical.
Always ask for some.
I will.
I wish you and Carmen every happiness.
You'll find your happiness, too, someday.
I just know it.
I feel like I already have.
That's great.
You're gonna be numb for the next couple of hours, but then after that you'll feel everything.
Daddy bear.
Daddy bear.
Just be the bear.
Okay.
Here we go.
Hey, Tess.
Welcome home.
Oh, I sold the house.
What? Yeah.
What happened to your face? Never mind my face.
What did you just say? You look like you've been run over by a truck.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
I fell.
You sold the house? We're moving? Yes! Thank you, God! Okay.
Okay.
There's no no God involved.
We're moving, but not out of Chatswin.
Dallas is gonna put her place on the market, too.
So are you telling me I have to share a house with Dalia? Okay.
Okay.
Now I know you and Dalia have had your ups and downs, but you know, I think living with with her and Dallas is gonna round out our family.
It's gonna be good for us.
"Good for us"? Are you out of your mind? O okay, Tessa Do you wanna know what happened to my face? Yeah.
Dalia.
- Is that true? - Yeah.
And I happened to hers.
And let me tell you something, she looks a lot worse than me.
That is her hair.
And part of her scalp.
P part of her scalp? Yeah, George.
And for that reason, Dalia and I will never live under the same roof.
Never.
Not ever.
So make your decision carefully.
I've made my decision, Tessa.
That's that's not gonna change.
Fine.
Then so have I.
What's that supposed to mean? It means I'm outta here.