Suburgatory (2011) s03e04 Episode Script

The Birds and the Biederman

Ever since her breakup with George, Dallas was taking a new, hands-on approach to life.
Can I help you? Oh, I can damn sure help myself! Except when it comes to Lacey Swiss.
Half a pound, please.
Tasks she used to delegate Carmen, can you change the Never mind.
she was now tackling on her own.
In fact her attitude, in general, was Let me walk this dog.
All right, girl, let's show these bitches who's pranciest.
Would you look at the size of that animal? He has no right being off-leash! That owner must be a real Altman? George Altman.
Abort! Abort! Dallas using her dog to avoid George made it hard to imagine a time when they were actually happy to see each other.
Sheila's home! And the people rejoice! Hiya, Fred.
What a day.
What a day.
Let's see.
Got all my chores done.
Victor taught me how to play "World of Warcraft.
" Now, did you know that he's an adviser to the High Priestess of Elune? Well, he is.
I know, right? Then me and the gals went for coffee Okay, Fred.
Oh, you're not gonna believe who's perimenopausal Fred! I still have my blazer on, okay? That means I'm in work mode.
I need a second to decompress before I can start hearing about who's high priestess and who's nearing the end of their fertility cycle.
So until this jacket comes off, I need you to be a big, old hush puppy.
- That clear? - Crystal.
Hi, mom.
Uh, Victor, your mother's had a long day at work.
Say "hi" to me.
I'll greet you.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, son.
Did I do something wrong? No, no, and neither did I.
But that doesn't mean we should not apologize.
Where women are concerned, you should never be afraid to apologize, even when you didn't do anything wrong.
Got it.
Just say "sorry.
" Sorry.
Not to me to them.
Got it.
Suburgatory 3x04 - The Birds and the Biederman Original air date February 5, 2014 Okay.
Since when did he get a dog? I don't know.
I mean, is he trying to run into me? Because he almost ran into me.
And if that happens, it's just gonna be awks.
Don't you think it'll be awks? Uh-huh.
I think so, too.
That's why, when a couple breaks up, you have to define the territories.
And that dog park is my territory.
I mean, what's next George Altman getting his cuticles pushed back at my nail salon? George Altman opening wide for my OB/GYN? Wait.
What? Dalia, I'm gonna need your help with this.
But I don't like helping with things.
Just hear me out.
I want you to approach Tessa Altman with this here hastily drawn map of Chatswin and tell her to have her daddy avoid here, here, here, and here.
Here, there, here, and These are the parts in Chatswin where George shan't go.
We need to slice and dice this town so there's no risk of us running into each other.
So it's not awks.
"Awksactly"! Okay.
I'm gonna need If you want me to negotiate on your behalf, I get 10%.
Girl stands firm.
I like that! While Dalia prepared to negotiate for her mother, Fred tried to negotiate a little quality time with his wife.
Apparently, the hot flashes aren't the worst part It's the incontinence that you - Fred! - Oh! Sorry, dear.
I didn't realize you were still in your blazer.
Well, I am.
Well, I guess I'll just go talk about my day with a perfect stranger on Chatroulette.
Chatroulette, incidentally, is all weenuses now.
So don't go on there looking for a friend.
You won't find one.
"All weenuses.
" Got it.
Thanks, dad, for giving me all this great advice.
Honestly, I don't know if I should be giving anyone advice.
I can't even get your mother to take her blazer off at night.
Can't you guys just make love with the blazer on? In theory.
But I don't mind telling you, Victor, ever since she started working outside the home, we've been ships in the night.
What does "ships in the night" mean? Well, it means she's sleeping in her blazer, and I'm in here, bunking with you.
Do you represent daddy Altman? What? I'm here representing mommy.
Do you represent daddy Altman? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Daddy Altman was at mommy's dog park yesterday.
And? And she doesn't want him going there or anywhere else she might be.
So George is supposed to stay inside for the rest of his life? Okay.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Yeah, no.
George is never going to agree to this.
Look, Tessa, them running into each other is gonna be awks.
If you ever had a serious relationship I had a serious relationship.
And he moved a million states away to avoid running into you.
Mommy doesn't want to move.
I don't know what to tell you.
We're just trying to avoid any unpleasantness.
And you know a lot about being unpleasant.
Honestly, Dallas' plan seemed crazy to me.
But that was before I stopped for an after school yogurt Peach'mango unchained? - Right here.
- Right here.
Oh, hey.
You're the old girl who used to date Ryan, right? You mean the original.
It's Tessa.
Ah, here.
All yours.
Don't really want it anymore.
You sure? 'Cause it kind of seems like you still want it.
Hey, Junebug, you want to get "Junebug"? It's just a nickname.
Yeah, I have one for you, too Tessa dactyl.
I texted you after school to see if you wanted to get a yogurt, and you said you had plans? And I do, with Junebug.
Did I not mention that? No.
That's good, 'cause judging from your expression, I would have guessed it would seriously tick you off.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not ticked off.
No, I think it's great that you love hanging out with Junebug so much.
In fact, if Ryan doesn't marry her, maybe you should.
I'm seeing someone.
Hey! Tsch! - Me? - Him.
Tsch! He shouldn't be pulling.
He's not the Alpha you're the Alpha.
I wish every woman would acknowledge that.
Tsch! So, are we still on for tomorrow, for the off-leash stuff in the park? Are you kidding me? I am always up for the off-leash stuff in the park.
What park? Oh, hey.
I thought you were having dinner with Lisa.
Yeah, well, plans change, George.
Plans change, sides are chosen, friendships destroyed.
Oh, boy.
Tell me while I feed the dog.
So, Lisa, my best friend, has been hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend behind my back.
What?! Thank you.
However, her ex happens to be Lisa's brother.
- Oh.
Well, that is different.
- Is it? Really? First, she takes her to my yogurt place, and now they're at my favorite thrift store, trying on berets together.
I'm stalking them on Instagram.
Look, I know it's hard not to feel territorial, but there are certain things you can't claim ownership of.
Which reminds me What's this? It's a hastily drawn map of Chatswin and its George-restricted areas.
Apparently, Dallas saw you at the dog park today, and she's claiming that's her territory.
Who's Dallas? Her territory? What? Like That is insane.
I can't believe she felt compelled to resort to cartography just to avoid running into me.
Dallas is his ex.
Yeah, we haven't seen each other since the split.
But if she thinks I'm gonna be weird, I'm not gonna be weird.
I'm gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be completely Kajagoogoo.
Tell her.
Tell her, Tess.
Tell her how Kajagoogoo I can be.
- It's true.
- Right.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get Biederman some more food at the market.
Uh, w which market? But it's not mom's birthday.
No, it is not.
Then why are you giving her a present? Because, Victor, when empty apologies fail, sometimes, we must resort to - Bird feeders? - Romance.
Your mother loves hummingbirds.
In fact, on the day we married, a pair of hummingbirds hovered above as we exchanged our vows.
Hopefully this feeder will remind her of that day and all the glorious days since.
And then she'll let you touch her boobies? In a perfect world, yes.
Are you sure we're not related? Now, I would argue that's not the best kibble.
With a dog like Biederman, you're gonna want to go grain-free.
It's easier on his system.
Yeah, when you say "grain-free," I hear "unreasonably expensive.
" Well, when you say "unreasonably expensive," I hear "kind of a cheap ass.
" What about Oh, hey.
What do you know about coffee? Holy crap.
What what about wet food? Wet food's good for protein, but it's kind of fattening, and so, with a dog his size, you don't What are you doing? What? Oh, I'm just, uh looking at the the calorie content.
I'm I'm a little nearsighted, so this helps me.
Are you hiding? Because that is not a very good hiding place.
It's Dallas.
She's right over there.
I guess Tessa wasn't kidding about that map.
What happened to Kajagoogoo? Oh, you know damn well they've been irrelevant since the '80s.
George had underestimated how seeing Dallas was going to make him feel.
And now that the reality had hit him, he had no other choice but to Uh, what are you doing? I'm climbing into the shopping cart.
- Give me your hand.
Help stabilize me.
- Oh! - Stabilize me! - Aah! Now, grab those two economy-sized bags and lay them over me.
Go ahead.
Just lay them over me! Now what? Use the express lane.
Things had been a little tense with Lisa since the yogurt incident, but it was nothing a little DVR'd "Crocnami" couldn't fix.
It's nice to see Shannen Doherty starting over after losing six small children in the crocnami.
She's very fertile.
She is.
And I like that she's attempting a water birth.
Oh, yeah, that's very courageous.
Did you notice her midwife is wearing crocs? I didn't catch that the first time.
Push, Jessica, push! Push my baby out of you! Your first time? Well, I was at June's house the night it aired And don't look! She's about to give birth to a crocodile! - Aah.
- Thanks.
Thank you for ruining the ending and, also, for taking a giant croc on our friendship.
Tessa! But, Tessa, when they come back from commercial, she's gonna try breast-feeding! "Oh, thank you, Fred!" "I love my bird feeder, and I love you.
" "That was so thoughtful.
" "Why don't you go ahead and touch my boobies?" Yes! From your mouth to Sheila's.
- Sheila! - Mom! What happened to your eye? What didn't? I had no idea that your father turned our backyard into a wildlife preserve when I stepped out there with my morning coffee.
It was like something out of a Hitchcock movie.
They descended upon our haven, thirsty for blood! One of them went rogue and made a beeline right for my cornea.
And now I'm blind in one eye.
Blind in one eye? Oh, come on.
Well, I can't see.
That's because you're wearing an eye patch! And why am I wearing an eye patch, Fred? Why am I wearing an eye patch?! Um, because your loving husband tried to bring the romance of songbirds back into your life.
Does this look like romance? Does this look like romance? No.
That looks infected.
After some soul-searching, George and I came to the same conclusion Maybe drawing some boundaries wasn't a bad idea after all.
Tessa I'm so sorry about the other night.
That kind of thing will never happen again.
You're right.
It won't.
Because I came up with a plan to make sure it doesn't.
June and I will have you on alternate weekends and holidays.
Additionally, we'll each have you to ourselves on our respective birthdays.
I just don't know how to handle yours.
You know what? Don't even stress about that.
I'll celebrate my birthday alone, in a closet, so that neither one of you feels slighted.
That works for me.
What's all this? These are my associates.
Where are your associates? I don't have any associates.
Okay, so, this is what George agreed to.
We can alternate days at the dog park, but he wants Shun Ju.
We eat there a lot.
So do we.
How about this? We'll take Shun Ju mondays, wednesdays, and fridays.
You can have it every other day.
We need mondays.
Objection! Mondays are Moo Shu mondays! She'd have to be an idiot to agree to those terms! Calm down, Schulman.
We can alternate mondays.
However, if you breach this agreement and trespass on a Monday designated to us, we are entitled to damages including, but not limited to, one Szechuan Sunday per month, plus we reserve the right to invoke cloture, terminating your future mondays as designated herewith.
Okay, so, we're agreed, then? No, Tessa.
Nothing is agreed to until everything is agreed to.
We haven't even started with our demands yet.
Sections 3, 5, and 11 are okay, but I need Christmas at the Farmer's Market 'cause that's where I buy my tree, and I want full custody of the hardware store.
And I want next week's pub crawl.
Well, fine.
I won't crawl the pubs if he promises not to attend any pageants, fashion shows, or fashion-show pageants.
And I want Thanksgiving at the Farmer's Market because that's where I intend to buy my bird and all the fixings for my acorn stuffing.
Okay, she cannot purchase every single acorn known to man.
Some of us have dishes that have acorns in them, too.
I want a 36-acorn cap.
Then I want all marathons, walkathons, bikeathons, and anything -thon related that I might be forgetting.
Pictionary at the Shays'! Furthermore, he must cease and desist tweeting about me! I've never tweeted about her! I'm not even on Twitter! Actually, Noah set up a parody account called @therealgeorgealtman.
It's it's blue but pretty entertaining stuff.
Well, that's Noah's hobby, not mine.
No deal.
Tell her no deal! For two people who didn't want to be in contact, they were doing an awful lot of second-party communicating, and the second parties were getting weary.
So, mommy is running errands tomorrow, and she needs to park on Weaver street.
Ohh, George has Weaver street, and you know this.
It took a lifetime to bang out Weaver street.
I don't know what to tell you.
These appointments were scheduled months ago.
Aren't you sick of this? - Totes.
- Who are they kidding? They don't want to be in communication? They're in constant communication via us! - I never wanted to talk to you this much.
- Ditto.
Maybe the two of them running into each other would be for the best get it over with, and then we can all get back to our lives.
Even though you don't have one.
Victor, what are you doing? Packing up.
Is it okay if I keep this squirrel? Well, of course.
Sinclair is yours.
I may have named him, but he belongs to you.
It's been fun being your son.
I'll drop you a line sometime.
Where do you think you're going? Back to the orphanage.
In my experience, once the marriage fails, the first thing to go is the foster kids.
The marriage didn't fail.
But you don't love dad anymore.
What? Why would you say that? It doesn't seem like you love him.
You don't take your blazer off at night, and you don't talk about your day with him, and he never gets to touch your boobies.
Victor! That's private talk.
Fred, is that what you feel? We miss you, Sheila.
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
I have just been under so much pressure at work, and it's lessened my libido.
That happens, Victor.
That's a real thing.
Then my wife is never gonna work.
It is a lot of responsibility being the sole breadwinner.
I know.
I did it for years.
But I learned to leave my work at the office to make time for you.
I don't want our marriage to fail.
I it won't.
We won't let it.
Look, I know work's been hard on you, though, and I just want you to know that our family appreciates it.
And I just want you to know that your pumpkin bread is moister than mine ever was.
Really? - Well, the secret is Greek yogurt.
- Oh.
Relationships take work, whether you're husband and wife or BFFs.
That's what I'm talking about.
You have to know when to hold on tight - Mm! - Oh, God.
- Take off my blazer.
- Will do.
- Take off my blazer.
- Aye, aye.
and when to let go.
She's not supposed to be here.
It's a Tessa day.
June! Over here.
What are you doing? What I should have done from the beginning being a good friend.
I hope you know I never would have let you celebrate your birthday in a closet.
I hope you know I would have for you.
No, no.
It's past that.
Keep going.
If you park on Weaver, - then you just have to walk down - Yakult.
George! I'm sorry.
I think Well, there must have been some confusion.
I think there definitely was some confusion, yeah.
Well, how have you been? I've been okay.
George, I just want to say, I know you felt blind-sided, and I I wish I could have handled done things differently.
Dallas, you don't have to say anything.
I mean, please don't say anything.
George! George! Come here, boy! Wow.
Looks like someone has a new friend.
Listen, I got to go.
Well, maybe we'll mix up our Moo Shu Monday sometime - and accidentally run into - Maybe.
Hey, slacker! Come on! Here I come! Give me that big, old ball! All right, buddy.
Ready? Hey! Go get it! There.
Now you can leave your work at the door at the end of the day.
I love it.
Mwah! Oh.
Ohh! I'm blinded! You double-blinded me! You double-blinded me!