Suburgatory (2011) s03e13 Episode Script

Stiiiiiiill Horny

Some say your wedding day is the most romantic day of your life.
But others would argue it's the day after your wedding.
Good morning, Mrs.
Lafrique.
Good morning, Mr.
Mrs.
Lafrique.
Ugh! While it may be perfectly legal for you two to consummate this marriage as often as you like, I doubt it's gonna get you to school on time.
Oh! Sorry, dear! I'm behind on my hoovering! Oh! Are they consummating?! - Yeah.
- Aww.
Does "consummating" mean what I think it means? Are they That's what I thought it meant.
Okay, out! All of you, out! - Okay.
- So sensitive.
This is why people don't have their weddings on a school night.
Okay.
Lisa and Malik's wedding was notable for another reason it was the first school night in my whole, entire life that dad didn't come home.
You didn't actually think that you were gonna sneak in the back door unnoticed, did you? Okay.
So, hello.
Good morning.
And, yes, you may have noticed that I'm wearing last night's clothes, but that's only because I don't really need you to paint the picture for me on this one, George, but thanks.
So, let me just say that the assumption you made is correct, and, yes, although Dallas and I s-spent the night visiting with one another "visiting"? Is that what people your age call it? It doesn't mean anything.
We're not it it was a one-time thing, okay? We're all adults, and it was a totally harmless and unremarkable event.
It was a huge mistake! Our lives are ruined! Poor mommy.
I know how you feel.
My mouth almost hooked up with a piece of wedding cake, but, luckily, I pulled out at the last minute.
Dalia, why would I do such a stupid thing? Because it was a wedding and you were alone and daddy Altman looks good in a suit and the scent of Jasmine was in the air and Jasmine makes you horny and "a different world" was a great show and whatever happened to Jasmine guy? and you and daddy Altman were meant to be.
I will say The sex was amazing.
Whoo-hoo! Shamwow, baby! That's what I'm talking about! Did you, uh, do it animal-style? What does that mean? I think It's with sautéed onions? Okay.
Then, no.
No, we didn't.
But I will say, I needed that.
Dallas kind of rocked my world.
And we both totally know what it's like to get some good, good sex.
It's just like, "whoops! I totally just had awesome sex all over the place.
" You have children, so I know you've been with a woman, but I got to say It sounds like you haven't.
I will take that as a compliment.
Whoa, this says you guys are allowed to cheat off one another.
That that can't be right.
No, it's true.
In addition to a bank account, married classmates can legally share a G.
P.
A.
And we also get to share a marriage locker.
Look, sweetie, it's a double-wide! - Wow, pretty sweet.
- Oh, we also decided to get a new joint e-mail account.
So, from now on, you can reach us both at lisaandmalikunitedinlove17@ computerforyou.
com there were 16 other lisaandmalikunitedinlove accounts at computerforyou.
com? Open your eyes, Tessa.
Love is all around.
Lisa was right.
It seemed like wherever I looked, people had things going on in their lives.
Lisa and Malik had their new marriage to share, George had a crazy wedding hookup, and my ex-boyfriend Ryan had June.
Watching them dance at Lisa's wedding made that painfully obvious.
But me, I was done with love, and, for now, I just needed a way to occupy myself.
It's good to see you back at the club, George.
We've missed you.
Well, it's it's it's good to be here.
Thank you for inviting me.
Uh-oh! Looks like someone ordered the sautéed onions.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, nothing Dear.
It's good to see you, Dallas.
You're looking well.
You too, daddy.
Is this seat taken? - Dallas, what are you doing? - What do you mean? Isn't this a little inappropriate? How so? George, could you pass the sugar, please? Oh, I'll pass it.
Fantasizing about Dallas had become a full-time job.
It's a problem.
I don't know what to do.
It's really interfering with my work.
Is it? Maybe these designs are just ahead of their time.
I, for one, would love a buttocks bonus room.
It's not even that I have feelings for Dallas or I want to get back together, but It's just that night.
I can't get it out of my head.
She's really under my skin, Fred.
You know, when I accidentally feel something, I write a letter.
- A letter? To who? - To no one.
In one glorious letter, you get it all out.
Nothing is too taboo or risque.
And then, when the letter is writ, you tuck it away somewhere safe, and then you never read it or think about it or feel any of those feelings, ever again.
How many of these I see.
Well, it's worth a shot.
Hey, hey, hey, and and may I keep these? I really want to try to sell Sheila on adding a breastfast nook.
With my best friend off nesting and no boyfriend to speak of, I had no other choice but to find a new circle a knitting circle.
I was the first girl in my town to straddle a bicycle seat.
- Wow! Trailblazer.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, George.
- Is that your brother? - He's my dad.
He lets you call him "George"? He tolerates it.
Is he single? Gertrude, knock it off! What? Just because I'm 80 doesn't mean I'm not still horny.
Uh Tessa, could I speak with you for a moment? Um W-What the hell is that? That's my quilting circle.
Aren't they a hoot? Since when do you have a Quilting circle? Ever since I found myself with no friends, activities, or a love life.
They're helping me quilt a wedding present for Lisa and Malik, and providing awesome stories and a super-cool hang.
Uh-huh.
Y-You don't think they're a little old for you? Pshaw! Don't be ageist, George.
We're seniors.
Hi, newlyweds.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Is something wrong? Now that we're married, we decided that Malik should handle our finances and I should handle our social calendar.
Great.
Not great.
He's nickel-and-diming me.
I'm not nickel-and-diming you.
I-I'm just pointing out that your special-order vegan entrées cost three times what a normal person's meal does.
I am not a normal person! I am an above-average person.
Or, I used to be, before your 2.
4 G.
P.
A.
dragged mine through the mud.
Great.
Y-You forgot my grandmother's birthday.
We just merged calendars today! - Which happens to be her birthday! - Fine.
I'll send flowers.
You know who doesn't have any of these problems? Esther, Kay, Gertrude, and Harriet.
All their husbands are dead and buried.
Must be nice for them.
I can't wait to be dead.
Trust me.
For Lisa and Malik, the honeymoon was over, but I was in the best relationship of my life.
Come on, ladies.
Let's hit the road.
But it's still early.
Oh, for you, maybe, but we're pretty tired, and we need to get home to take out our teeth and hair and eyeballs so we can relax.
Okay, that's cool, but you guys are coming back tomorrow, right? Because I have the whole day clear.
We'll be here, Tessa, so climb off our jockstraps.
See ya.
Maybe I was being a little clingy, but my heart was in the right place.
Meanwhile, George struggled to make sense of what he was feeling.
Letter-writing didn't seem like the answer.
But songwriting did.
And by morning, George had a song and I had Oh, dear.
Hi, gals.
Oh! What the hell is this?! I have been up all night.
Isn't it great? Your hand is bleeding.
Oh, yeah.
This happened around 4:00 A.
M.
My eyes aren't as sharp as my needles are.
That's an old person's joke.
A-And that's an eye-glass leash.
Even I don't wear one of those.
Tessa, dear, this afghan is completed! You're too young to be staying inside with a bunch of old biddies.
You should be out there, being groped by a young man in a pork-pie hat.
What?! No! No, that sounds terrible.
We don't need men.
The five of us are stitched together.
We're a sewing sisterhood.
Sister, you must me mad! T-There's not one of us here who wouldn't bag and sell the others just to feel it again.
Feel what again? - Love.
- Moisture.
Anyhow, you've still got your original hips and knees.
You should be out there using them.
Yes.
Why don't you go on a date with Kay's grandson? - Oh! - He's around your age.
I-If it's important to the sisterhood, yeah, I'll do it.
You're 30, right? I'm 17.
Oh, Esther has one your age.
He's got freckles! While the sisterhood tried to force me back onto the dating scene George was still feeling the aftershocks of his one-night stand.
Between whose thighs? Whoa.
What? Whose thighs were you singing about just now? Was I singing? Yes.
It was very sultry.
Oh.
Well, that's weird, because I-I didn't even realize I was singing.
Must have been something I heard on the radio.
Sing it again.
I'll Shazam it.
I'm actually, I'm I got to take care of some things.
No, I-I want to Shazam it, George.
Let me Shazam it.
Well, no, Sheila.
Why do you care? George, I like to stay on top of what's current.
Monopoly time at the Shay's.
I'm always the boot.
I have to be the boot.
And that's how I feel about the iron.
- The iron? - And the newlyweds were finding the games they played before marriage Were no longer fun.
- The iron? - Yeah, it's the best piece on the board! The iron is? Oh, my God.
I feel like I don't know you.
No one suspects the iron.
They discount it.
And, slowly, it irons its way to victory.
You sound like an idiot! Okay, what's going on over there? Nothing! Nothing, just having a little marital dispute over which game piece is the best.
- The iron.
- It is not the iron! So, Malik plays the iron, and Lisa's the boot.
What's the problem? We can do that? Mm-hmm.
I just thought, since we were married We had to share everything.
Goodness, no! Being married, you share less.
When you're dating, it's all sunshine and breastfast rooms.
But when you're married, you finally get to be who you really are, which, in Malik's case Is the worst piece on the whole board.
- Isn't that the thimble? - Shut up, June.
Victor! Sorry.
I thought we were all thinking it.
No, we were not all thinking it.
I was.
Fred and Sheila's advice came just in time.
As for George, the cure for what ailed him came from a less-expected source.
What's this? Sign-up sheet for the open mic.
Open mic? That is why you're here, isn't it? I mean, you've been singing to yourself for the past 20 minutes.
U-Uh Uh, yeah.
Of course.
That's that's why I'm here.
While George prepared to pour his heart out, I tried to find space in mine for Arthur Well Esther's grandson.
That was fun.
- Oh! - Oh.
I'm so sorry, Arthur.
You seem like a really nice boy.
I'm just going through a really heavy crafting period right now, and I don't have romantic feelings For anyone least of all, you.
Well I feel like you could have mentioned that a little earlier, before I wasted my Saturday night and 50 bucks.
I ordered a side salad.
You added chicken.
The truth was, I was more of an old lady than those old ladies were.
But, unlike them, I was fine with it, and I was home in time to organize my yarn.
Before I start, I'd just like to thank the bartender for lending me his guitar.
You guys like country music? Yeah, me neither.
But, uh, that's just how this one came out, so I've never been a traveling man felt the city made me who I am but still, sometimes, I'm inclined to take a leave in the north, I know I'd meet with harm and the west, it never held no charm but there is one place that's got its hooks in me if I could choose myself honey, I'd lose myself in Dallas hmm oh, the weather gets much hotter there comes a feeling that I can't compare and Dallas made a prisoner out of me I couldn't stay, although I'd wanted to but Dallas leaves me black and blue but I'm lost when I'm not in your company if I could choose myself I'm trying to tell you I would lose myself when I'm beside myself I have to remind myself when I can't feel myself the only way to heal myself is in Dallas Thank you.
After a standing ovation and one encore, George decided to visit the actual Dallas, who'd been waiting to hear what, if anything, that one night meant to him.
I didn't know if I should call, or not call.
Well, somehow, you managed to do both.
Right.
So, hey, ever since the other night, I just feel that everything has been flowing for me, creatively.
And I'm not mad at you anymore.
Not for any of it.
I know our hooking up was weird, but I honestly feel it freed me.
Well, great.
You're free.
What did I say something wrong? No, but you didn't say anything right.
Look, for you, it might have been fun and freeing.
But for me It it wasn't.
It's it's messy.
And it shouldn't have happened.
Okay, come on.
Dallas, don't be like this.
Can't we just be friends? No offense, George, but being friends with you is about as much fun as being kicked in the gut by a donkey.
George didn't want a fight, but Dallas did.
She wanted George to fight for her, and I knew how she felt.
Heading back? Yeah.
I got a big geology final this week.
If I don't figure out what that means pretty soon, I'm gonna be in trouble.
Well, it was nice seeing you.
Yeah.
It was good seeing you, too.
I'm glad this is so normal.
What? Us.
I'm glad that we can be friends.
It's nice.
Yeah.
Me too.
Okay, well I guess I'll see you when you're back in town for the holidays.
Actually, it looks like I'm gonna be in Vail this year with June and her family.
Oh.
I've never been away for the holidays before.
But I guess it'd be stupid to pass it up.
I mean, it's Vail.
Yeah, it's Vail! How could you pass that up? Right.
That's what I was thinking.
Okay, well, uh Drive safe.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Be cool.
Be cool.
Tessa, dear.
That cut on your hand has opened up again.
Yeah, I know.
It's a hard place to put a band-aid.
It keeps falling off.
You know what I do when a band-aid won't stick? I take a piece of tape, but, you know, the good kind, and you have to use your own And that's when I realized the cut on my hand wasn't the only injury.
Ryan was my wound that wouldn't heal.
And maybe, just maybe, he wasn't meant to.
There was a reason I'd been hiding behind my crochet needles, and that reason was Ryan Shay.
Even after all this time there was still something between us.
June! Can I get you a ginger ale?