Summer Heights High (2007) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
We have a large staff here, and there's lots of comings and goings.
You have to be very careful when it comes to personal property.
I have a " I don't touch yours, you don't touch mine" policy.
The staff, they do tend to borrow your mugs, your Tupperware containers, and suddenly they become theirs and not yours, and you 'll have an awkward moment where you say, "That's my plunger," and, you know, difficulty arises there.
I'm popping up a poster.
I'm also fairly known for my signs.
I use signs around the kitchen just to get my message across.
Uh, nothing drives me crazier than a messy kitchen.
And it's just a little visual reminder, and it seems to work.
One of our staff.
Cancer.
Might as well put it there She's been dead for ages.
I think it's really about finding a balance.
It's " Yes, I wanna work with you guys, "but I don't want you eating my food "and I don't wanna live in your filth.
" Sorry! Don't look at her.
Just pretend we're talking and shit.
Here she comes! Alright, alright.
Miss, stop the car, miss! Miss, stop the car, miss! Fuckin' bitch.
Miss, look what you 've done! Oh, God! Look! Miss, you killed him! Are you alright? Miss, call an ambulance.
Jonah, are you alright? Jonah, get up! Ha, miss! You got punk'd! We punk'd you! Sucked in, miss! You just got punk'd! You boys will all be seeing Ms Murray today.
And this is not funny! Now, get out of the way.
It's a joke, miss! Can't you take a joke? You got your period or what, miss? Get out of the way! It was one of our best ever, boys! Miss, back it up.
Watch out, miss! Um, I'm really nervous this morning, 'cause it's my actual first day.
And so, like, last night, I couldn't sleep, and I woke up this morning and I forgot to feed the guinea pig, and I got here, and Mr Cameron showed me around.
He's so hot, for a teacher.
Thank you.
They set me up with this girl called Ashley, and she's supposed to, like, take me to classes and introduce me to her friends and stuff.
And seriously, like, I don't wanna be a bitch, but she's, like, the fugliest girl I have ever met in my life.
The lockers here are so cute! You reckon? So small.
So, is there much theft around here, 'cause it's a public school? No, not much.
My God! This is it.
Wow! So, it's just like It's so basic.
Oh, my God! The guys are so hot! They're so multicultural.
Hi.
Oh, you got wheelchair people! That's so cute! Oh, my God, I love disabled people.
We don't have them at our school.
We've got, like, one burns victim, but, um, like, we don't have any mentally retarded people.
Yeah.
Just introduce me to everyone.
OK.
I'm freaking out! Well, it's been an incredible morning.
Margaret called me into her office this morning, and the news has been life-changing, to say the least.
Meredith Cotton's mother has suddenly fallen very ill, and she's had to jump on a plane and go straight off to New Zealand.
Now, in the meantime, Greg will be acting head of drama.
The news is out of this world.
As of today, I am head of drama.
And it feels amazing.
And the Zone Aths are on again, so thanks very much for your time.
And just just before you go, can I just mention to everyone that Margaret and I have discussed that, instead of 'head of drama', I will be now known as the 'director of performing arts'.
So, any paperwork or issues, that will be my new title.
So, thank you, Margaret, and thanks, everyone.
Let's go.
Cool.
You made it! I know, I know.
I wanted to tell you as soon as I heard.
I can't Oh! Bloody brilliant! I know, I Yes! Yes! Yes! Absolutely fantastic! Bloody hell, yes! It's just what you need.
Let's go back to the office.
Come on.
My breasts would've been bigger, but I had an eating disorder in Year 8, so they didn't develop properly.
Ooh So I don't wanna be a bitch, but you guys are really boring.
Oh.
the page, the extension questions, OK? In addition to the other ones.
Oh, look it's the Islander boys, late again.
Why is it always you lot? My leg hurts, miss.
Took me ages to get here.
Oh, Jonah, it was the other leg yesterday.
Make up your mind.
Ask him if you don't believe me.
I hurt it kicking the wall.
People always say I'm disruptive.
Miss, I don't wanna sit next to Troy.
He's a homo.
Sit next to Troy! They don't even know that I'm just trying to make things more fun and more interactive.
Kids in the class don't even care, because they're doing their work and they're concentrating and it's boring, and all of a sudden they get a joke, and they just get a little break from their work and they get to laugh.
So that's not If that's being disruptive, then fuck you.
That's not disruptive - that's entertainment.
I'm just getting the worksheet, Miss.
Let me do some work for once.
Do it quietly, thank you.
I'm doing it quietly! There you go, homo.
Don't use Jonah, do not use that word in this class, thank you.
Why not? It's an English word.
This is an English class, isn't it? Well, Jonah now has a contract.
I got Jonah to come up with a list of promises that he thought he could fulfil in areas where he felt that he could make an improvement in himself.
So we've got behavioural promises and academic objectives.
And it works remarkably well.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sit down.
I want to sit next to Leon.
I'll learn more.
Sit over there now.
Fuck you, miss.
Beg your pardon? I said "Puck you"! With a 'P '.
Don't you know how to spell? I know what you meant.
I have to do all the work required in class and respect all teachers.
I like what you 're wearing, miss.
It looks nice on you.
Is that from Sussan's? Jonah What does your contract say about talking in class? It gives him a boundary.
See, he knows when he's stepped outside of the rules, because he made the rules.
Jonah, cap off, balls on the ground now! OK, miss.
What are you doing? You said put my balls on the ground.
My balls are on the ground, miss - look! Get up off the ground! Stop molesting my arm, miss.
It's his own authority that he created, you know? He's not letting anybody else down except himself.
I'm looking for two strong boys.
Sir, please pick me! Pick me! Troy and Cameron.
Fuck you, sir.
Excuse me, Jonah? I said, "Puck you, sir.
" Well, Jonah, you 're gonna have to go and sit outside Ms Murray's office.
Why, sir? And you 've broken your contract.
Well done.
There's no time to be excited.
I've been running round all day trying to organise things, and I rang Mum at recess and told her, and she cracked it with excitement.
Mmm.
I'm director of performing arts.
Spread it.
I'm busily emptying out Meredith's office, getting her crap out of the room.
You 've called the office of Mr G, the director of performing arts.
Please leave a brief message and he'll get right back to you.
Do it again.
You mumbled on "brief message".
New sign.
Rodney made that for me this morning in his free.
Oh, the students are pumped.
They are, yeah.
The applause that I got from my Year 9s this morning.
I just went in, I went, "I'm director of performing arts!" And the applause was just unbelievable.
Junk, crap, useless.
You could use that, couldn't you? The kids are very excited.
They couldn't stand Mrs Cotton.
I used to say to the kids, "How do you deal with it?" And the kids would say, "Oh, we hate her, Mr G.
She sucks.
" Celine, don't wipe your bum on the photo of Meredith.
Don't wipe your bum on it.
Greg, you 're terrible.
Oh, the staff are really excited too.
Everyone's giving me a little Doing the little that when I walk up the corridor.
Eyebrow raise thing, when usually they look away.
Oh, there's Alannah.
Alannah! Have you heard the news? I'm director of performing arts.
Spread it round.
Oh, here we go.
He's doing his Kermit voice.
He always does this when he's excited.
No, I don't do my Kermit voice, Rodney.
I've got nine years of ideas that have been bottled away, and I feel like the you know, the lid's been lifted and I'm gonna explode all over the school.
So, like, sunny here.
It's like there's no shade or anything.
Mmm.
So, who are, like, the really, like, the hot girls in Year 11? Like, the really popular ones? Well, there's Holly and her friends, but they're bitches.
Are they mean to you? Yes.
Can you introduce me to them? Remember? Except I had it flicked more, like I'm all scrunched.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Ja'mie.
I'm doing the exchange program from Hillford.
Oh, my God, yeah! We all liked your assembly speech.
Thanks, yeah.
It was so embarrassing.
You 're the one who does modelling.
Yeah, yeah.
Is this your friend? Um, they set me up with her.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like your hair.
Oh, thanks! Oh, cool, so you 're Holly? Yeah, I'm Holly.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, so cool meeting you.
Like, I was walking round the playground, going, "Are there any decent-Iooking girls here?" We're the hot ones of the school.
So gonna get along, and in my group at school, I'm, like, the hottest girl, so I attract all the guys and that.
Yeah, no, that's gonna be really good.
That'll be good for us.
That's gonna be so good for you.
Girls, have you heard? I'm director of performing arts, as of today.
No, no, I don't have time for it, Toby.
I don't.
Specials are not exempt from detention, OK? I have no hesitation in busting you.
Please let me go.
Go and get that paper over there.
Pick it up.
Paper.
Go and get it.
Excuse me, girls.
Can I just pop that in with yours? Brenda, can I get you to sort and staple those? We don't normally do this for teachers.
Well, I'm a head of department now, so if you want me to take it further, I will.
In my pigeonhole, please.
Just wanted to have a word re the noise coming from the gym.
I'm hearing ball games from my drama room, and just wanted to let you know I'll be taking it up with the principal unless you do something about it, OK? Sorry, Stacey, gonna have to jump queue.
Head of department priority.
Oh, I'll just take one here.
How's that? That looks nice.
Yum.
Um, OK, as of today, you guys come under the umbrella of 'performing arts', so it's music, dance, drama.
Um, I'm director of performing arts, so I will now be your superior.
Um, Jenny, I notice you 've got a free between recess/lunch Thursday.
Can I get you to cover my Year 9s for that? 'Cause I've got a lot on.
Shouldn't you run that by timetabling? No, timetabling do not need to know.
I'm head of department.
I can override that Chris.
And looking for volunteers to cover my playground duty any time.
I need some time off.
Got lots on.
So hands up if you want to volunteer for that.
Anyone? Yes! Seriously, do you know the guys that have the kind of Mohawk thing that goes down at the back? That's hot at the moment.
That's so cool.
Some of the, like, guys that are, like, Eurasian, sort of.
Like, sort of cross.
They are hot.
I try and avoid other cultures at all costs, but at this school I'm Asian.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry, no offence to you, 'cause you 're hot Asian, yeah.
There are so many ugly, annoying Asians at my school.
Are you single? Single? Yeah, at the moment.
I broke up with a guy, like, a month ago.
Holly just broke up with her boyfriend as well.
He gave her that ring.
Pretty full-on, yeah.
He gave her this really nice ring.
Oh, you got the little one.
Do you wanna do a photo, group photo of us? Ashley can take it.
That tastes really nice.
Guys, come in.
I'll go in the middle.
Yeah.
Here, here.
Sit here.
OK.
Do, like, hot.
Just Hot.
Totally.
We want a good one.
Make sure you get all of us in.
Hurry up, please.
Go, "One, two, three.
" One, two, three.
Oh, my God! It's hot as! Text that to me? Have you guys got mobiles? Yeah! Oh, cool.
I wasn't sure if you 'd have them, but cool.
So Oh, my God! We're friends! Yeah.
Introduce me to whoever.
I just wanna meet everyone.
I organise various programs.
This one is directed towards our Islander kids, and I've called it Polynesian Pathways.
OK, hurry in.
Everybody get a seat.
We're offering alternate pathways in life for the Islander kids to help steer them away from the deadly spiral of unemployment, crime and drug abuse.
You got a girl one! Joseph got a girl one! Well, Jonah's responding, you know, very well.
He's sort of relishing the opportunity of displaying his traditional culture.
I'm not wearing this shit in front of anyone, sir.
I fuckin' hate Polynesian Pathways.
It's fucked up.
They make you dance like a homo, and we have to do this performance in assembly.
You two, stop pissing around.
I'm not pissing.
He keeps trying I fuckin' hate it.
We got a special guest speaker today.
Now, Luke is Samoan, and he has been in jail.
If you fuck up in school, you 're gonna fuck up your life.
That's fucked.
Were there girls in your jail? You 're gonna end up being MY girl in a minute.
There's, um, career options, anger issues, development stuff.
Man boobs.
What are they? Where do they come from? And a strand on modern music and hip-hop.
Yo, yo, yo.
# Being Tongan Come from the island # Respect your culture, mmm, yeah # Motherfucker # This is a chance for them to celebrate their culture, and also to show them that we celebrate their culture.
Sir, when is this shit over? Um The principal and I have been onto the department for a couple of years about getting rid of these demountables.
They've been here for years, and there's no fans in them, there's no heating.
They're just they're a terrible teaching environment.
I mean, that's just downright dangerous.
That's That could come off and just go straight into a student.
Well, I've been encouraging Margaret to get onto the department about knocking the whole bunch of buildings down to build the performing arts centre for music, dance and drama.
Look what he's called it - The Gregson Performing Arts Centre.
I don't think we'll be calling it that.
That might be going a bit too far.
10,000-seat theatre, so we can put on professional-level shows.
Got a fly tower, got time capsule.
I'm gonna put a time capsule in out the front.
500-space car park, so we'll be encroaching on the oval a little bit, but it'll be worth it, 'cause when we put on shows, we wanna be able to get the audience in.
My office at the top there.
Room for secretaries and whatnot and that sort of thing that I would need.
I keep joking with Greg that I'm gonna have myself an office built just over alongside his here and call it the dramatic science office.
Well, that won't be happening.
Yeah.
'Cause it's for drama and performing arts only, so you won't be in the building.
So, this is like senior playground? Yeah.
This way.
Come this way.
We'll show you round here.
They're, like, the fully sicks, OK? They are SO daggy.
Don't ever speak to them, OK, or you won't be friends with us.
It's Chinatown over there.
Bec used to be over there, and we, like, totally adopted her.
Over there are the emos.
Some dyke emos as well.
Do you have lesbians at this school? Yeah.
Oh, my God! I don't think you 're allowed to be a lesbian at my school.
Yeah, well, I really thought private school girls would be, like, really bitchy and snobby and really annoying, but, like, they're totally not.
Like, I didn't think they'd be as nice as Ja'mie.
We always get that.
Just because I'm rich doesn't mean I'm a bitch.
There are so many fat chicks at this school.
And I thought, like, public school girls would be all, like, skanky bogans and, like, totally dumb and stuff.
But we're not.
And they're so not.
It's, like, such a stereotype.
Sorry, guys.
They're just young.
Don't worry.
You guys would fit in so well at a private school.
Like, if you got some new clothes and stuff, and, like, your hair was a bit different.
We'd be the popular girls with you and stuff? Probably not - like, if you came to our school, you would be sort of halfway down.
Gumnut Cottage.
It's a little place where you go to learn how to read and crap.
For remedial reading.
People who have no nuts usually go there.
Call it 'Gumnut No Nuts', 'cause if you go there, you got no nuts.
Jonah and Leon go there.
He goes there.
Leon goes there.
I don't go there! You go there.
YOU go there! Bullshit! I don't fuckin' go there.
Your mum goes there.
Shut up.
I saw you last time.
I don't fuckin' go to Gumnut Cottage.
Jonah attends Gumnut Cottage five periods a week for remedial reading.
Jared felt what with Jane? Oh, miss! Miss, miss, miss, miss! OK, Jonah.
Pissed off? No.
One of the goals that Jonah's written into his Polynesian Pathways contract is that he wants to be able to learn to read by the end of the year.
Two points each for us boys.
How many? Two points each, miss.
And at the moment, he's reading at about an 8-year-old level, which that's not unusual, particularly for boys.
Sound it out.
Cuh Sss sssur Surfing.
No, cir-cus.
It starts with a fuckin' 'C '.
Yeah Reading is the main thing I want to do with my contract.
'Cause if I could learn to read, then I could read books all day.
I could just I could read, like, 'Harry Potter' in a day.
What might you find at a circus? The eleph Yeah, come on.
Clowns! What's that word? I dunno.
OK, so sound it out.
I don't wanna sound it out.
I want you to sound it out.
Maybe I don't want to.
Well, that's what we're doing at the moment.
We're reading.
Too slow.
You 're too slow.
Jonah's quite erratic in his approach.
He's all enthusiasm and all guns blazing one minute, and then the next minute, it's kind of snap, and I'm the worst person in the world, and it's "fuck this" and "fuck that".
It's a bullshit children's book! I don't fuckin' wanna read it anyway! That's the intriguing thing about Jonah, and, you know, it's the thing that I love about Jonah too.
You never know what you 're gonna get.
Why don't you fuckin' kill yourself, you bitch?! Miss Palmer's alright.
She's one of the mad maddest teachers in the whole school.
She's better than any other teacher here.
Jared was Wanking! Pardon? Wanking.
Sometimes I give her electric shocks.
Like, you do your feet on the ground like this.
Like that, and then when miss goes past, I go, "Miss!" And touch her, and it gives her electric shock, and she just laughs at me.
'Silently' means "quietly'.
'Silently' means "Stop talking, miss.
" Exactly.
She's got a good sense of humour, and she appreciates me.
I think Jonah really, really does want to learn, and he really wants to be able to learn to read.
Miss, miss, look at this! Look.
It's better on the mat, miss.
I'll show you at lunch.
OK.
See ya, miss.
See ya.
Come find me at the amphitheatre.
How do you spell 'amphitheatre'? I'm out of the room, miss.
I'm not spelling.
Sucked in to you! See ya, miss! What are they doing? They throw apple cores.
They do this all the time.
Those guys are hot! Don't hit us! Totally throw it back.
They love it when you do it.
Yeah, I read an article about all the sluts in public schools.
It's so bad.
Not all the time.
There ARE more sluts in public schools.
Like, no offence.
Sorry, Shane! Don't get me! Don't get me! God! Sorry, sorry.
I think what happens is, like, out in the outer suburbs, like, ugly people breed with other ugly people, right? So you end up with really fugly kids.
That's why you look around a public school, and, on average, like, no offence, but people are more fugly.
Whereas, in a private school area - in a rich school area Shut up and let me explain.
OK.
In a rich area, like, hotter people breed with other hot people and have hotter kids.
Don't aim for me, please! It's getting stupid now.
Seriously.
Over the term that I'm here, I wanna, like, get to know everyone.
Like, all the Year 11 s, all the teachers and stuff.
Hi, Mr Cameron! Hi, 'Jamie'.
And, I guess, do what I can to make some changes around the school.
Like, make a better environment for everyone.
Academically, um, like, the standard's pretty low here, so it's probably gonna be really easy, like, no offence.
I know I'm really gonna miss my Hillford friends and stuff, and, um that's gonna be really bad, and I just don't wanna be in classrooms with, like, no airconditioning and, like, asbestos in the roof and stuff.
It's OK.
And no And just crap desks and, like, skanky bogans everywhere and sluts and You 've got us! It's not that bad.
And I just wish I was with my friends, and I wish I was going back to Hillford.
Ja'mie Ja'mie, you 've got us to be with.
Don't worry.
'Gregson'.
He's called it 'T he Gregson Performing Arts Centre', which is stupid.
It's just him being stupid.
We don't have to call it that.
No.
Call it that if you want.
You don't mind if I have one of these? No, no, no, no.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Help yourself.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm, they're nice.
I've got just some matters to chat with you, seeing you 're here with me, Greg.
The first one is I've had a call from Meredith.
Uh, her mother in New Zealand is in a stable but very serious condition.
So it looks like it's gonna be a pretty long stay for Meredith over there.
Good.
OK.
Is that it? Well, no.
Meredith says she wishes you well with 'A nything Goes'.
Good.
Well, tell her it's all under control.
Yes, good.
Now, the other issue is Jenny has come to me and claims that you 're almost forcing her to take some of your classes.
I never said, "Take my classes.
" I said that if she has a free period, it would be helpful if she took one of my classes.
I wasn't forcing her to do it.
She's lying.
She's a bloody liar.
She's I'm Well She didn't get that impression, actually, Greg.
She got the impression that you were actually trying to get out of one of your classes.
OK, am I not the director of performing arts? Is that not my title? Music is a performing art.
It comes under the umbrella of performing arts.
So therefore she is under my control.
Lunderstand that.
Just keep your cool, OK? I AM keeping my cool.
Sue has also spoken to me, and she says that you 've taken over her pigeonhole in the staffroom.
Yes, I have taken over her pigeonhole, because I have a lot of paperwork, and I need more space, and hers is empty half the time.
Greg, I find that That's just selfish.
I find that rather a feeble sort of comment, I'm afraid.
You 're the head of drama.
Nothing more - head of drama.
You don't need two pigeonholes.
Fine.
OK? Good.
Six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four When I meet girls, they're usually really threatened straightaway, right? So that I meet them, and they're, like, "Oh, my God! She's so hot! I'm never gonna be friends with her.
" Then I go up to them, and I'm like, "Hi! How you going?" And they're really surprised that I'm giving them the time of day.
Your foot, point it down.
Where was I pointing it? You 're pointing it like that.
You need to go there.
Like, look, it's a height thing.
I think I'm a really down-to-earth girl, and, in the end, people realise that.
That's so hot! So hot! Do you guys like Bec? Yeah.
Like, do you reckon she's really annoying sometimes? I totally find her annoying.
I kind of do, actually.
She makes the dumbest calls, and she's just, like, so random.
It's not 'cause she's Asian, it's 'cause she's annoying.
I didn't think I'd find such a cool bunch of girls to be friends with, like, just in one day.
It's been so good.
Do you wanna, like We could run away from her.
It's what we used to do with a friend of mine, who was a totally annoying bitch, and we just ran away from her whenever she came near us.
It's been the best day.
I know I'm gonna love it here.
Oh, my God! Hi.
This school is pathetic.
Tell me everything.
It's so crap.
It's horrible.
Oh, my God.
Don't let her see me.
Ja'mie, see ya! Nice meeting you.
Is she gone? Yes.
Oh, my God! The girls here are skanks! They're such bogans! Oh, my God! Look how short those skirts are! See you tomorrow, Ja'mie.
You guys rock! Thanks for showing me around.
See you on MSN tonight! Yuck! Oh, my God! See what I mean? I feel sorry for you! I can't believe I'm gonna do, like, a term here.
Oh, I know.
Hi, cast.
I'm here.
Could I have everyone on the floor, please.
I have an announcement.
Quiet, please.
Miss Allan, stop sewing, please! Um, now, as you know, we are one week out from 'A nything Goes', and you 've all put in a massive amount of effort on You can pat yourselves on the back for all that effort.
Um, but I have a question for you.
Who likes doing Mr G's shows? You 've all done them.
Who likes doing them? I certainly do.
Inevitably, they are a better-quality production.
Which is why I've had to make a really tough decision.
And I've decided to cancel 'Anything Goes'.
We're cancelling the show.
We're not doing it.
Don't freak out.
The good news is I will be writing a new musical.
There WILL be a production this year, and you 'll all be invited to audition for it.
Settle down, please.
There is nothing you can do about this.
I'm the boss of the department.
You can't go any higher than me.
Please! Settle down.
"Mr G has made the right decision.
" " Mr G has made the right decision.
" "And we will all be in a better show.
" "And we will all be in a better show.
" Finally, I feel as though I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Meredith had me trapped for way too long.
Try out our new spot.
And now I feel as though I've been set free, and I don't have to answer to anyone.
The sky's the limit.
Move, girls.
You should not be blocking the staff car park.
Move, or I'll run you down.
Move! Ja'mie's decided that she actually wants to go out with Sebastian Perrone.
He's hot! Ja'mie's in love with Sebastian! She really wants to be, like, the first Year 11 girl to go out with a Year 7 kid.
So, what, like, attracted you to me? They're just perfect together.
I pashed, like, 135 guys.
I reckon he's the one.
Look at me! I'm fucking hot! You 're not getting it back.
Am I hot? Yes! Tomorrow, we've got junior school dance.
Piss off, Year 7 s! I reckon I'm pretty good at it.
He thinks he can break, but he can't.
He's come to school with semen stains on his pants.
Do you ever have wet dreams? Heel and toe, heel and toe.
This tragic incident will obviously lead to a lot of media attention.
We're all in shock.
She was what the kids would call a slut.
# It's a Bummer Heights High.
# I've come up with a concept for my new musical.
I want it done tastefully.
# She's a party girl with a bad habit.
# I look like a homo in this.
# Playground play Come and play in the playground.
# It's gonna be so cool! I can't wait!
You have to be very careful when it comes to personal property.
I have a " I don't touch yours, you don't touch mine" policy.
The staff, they do tend to borrow your mugs, your Tupperware containers, and suddenly they become theirs and not yours, and you 'll have an awkward moment where you say, "That's my plunger," and, you know, difficulty arises there.
I'm popping up a poster.
I'm also fairly known for my signs.
I use signs around the kitchen just to get my message across.
Uh, nothing drives me crazier than a messy kitchen.
And it's just a little visual reminder, and it seems to work.
One of our staff.
Cancer.
Might as well put it there She's been dead for ages.
I think it's really about finding a balance.
It's " Yes, I wanna work with you guys, "but I don't want you eating my food "and I don't wanna live in your filth.
" Sorry! Don't look at her.
Just pretend we're talking and shit.
Here she comes! Alright, alright.
Miss, stop the car, miss! Miss, stop the car, miss! Fuckin' bitch.
Miss, look what you 've done! Oh, God! Look! Miss, you killed him! Are you alright? Miss, call an ambulance.
Jonah, are you alright? Jonah, get up! Ha, miss! You got punk'd! We punk'd you! Sucked in, miss! You just got punk'd! You boys will all be seeing Ms Murray today.
And this is not funny! Now, get out of the way.
It's a joke, miss! Can't you take a joke? You got your period or what, miss? Get out of the way! It was one of our best ever, boys! Miss, back it up.
Watch out, miss! Um, I'm really nervous this morning, 'cause it's my actual first day.
And so, like, last night, I couldn't sleep, and I woke up this morning and I forgot to feed the guinea pig, and I got here, and Mr Cameron showed me around.
He's so hot, for a teacher.
Thank you.
They set me up with this girl called Ashley, and she's supposed to, like, take me to classes and introduce me to her friends and stuff.
And seriously, like, I don't wanna be a bitch, but she's, like, the fugliest girl I have ever met in my life.
The lockers here are so cute! You reckon? So small.
So, is there much theft around here, 'cause it's a public school? No, not much.
My God! This is it.
Wow! So, it's just like It's so basic.
Oh, my God! The guys are so hot! They're so multicultural.
Hi.
Oh, you got wheelchair people! That's so cute! Oh, my God, I love disabled people.
We don't have them at our school.
We've got, like, one burns victim, but, um, like, we don't have any mentally retarded people.
Yeah.
Just introduce me to everyone.
OK.
I'm freaking out! Well, it's been an incredible morning.
Margaret called me into her office this morning, and the news has been life-changing, to say the least.
Meredith Cotton's mother has suddenly fallen very ill, and she's had to jump on a plane and go straight off to New Zealand.
Now, in the meantime, Greg will be acting head of drama.
The news is out of this world.
As of today, I am head of drama.
And it feels amazing.
And the Zone Aths are on again, so thanks very much for your time.
And just just before you go, can I just mention to everyone that Margaret and I have discussed that, instead of 'head of drama', I will be now known as the 'director of performing arts'.
So, any paperwork or issues, that will be my new title.
So, thank you, Margaret, and thanks, everyone.
Let's go.
Cool.
You made it! I know, I know.
I wanted to tell you as soon as I heard.
I can't Oh! Bloody brilliant! I know, I Yes! Yes! Yes! Absolutely fantastic! Bloody hell, yes! It's just what you need.
Let's go back to the office.
Come on.
My breasts would've been bigger, but I had an eating disorder in Year 8, so they didn't develop properly.
Ooh So I don't wanna be a bitch, but you guys are really boring.
Oh.
the page, the extension questions, OK? In addition to the other ones.
Oh, look it's the Islander boys, late again.
Why is it always you lot? My leg hurts, miss.
Took me ages to get here.
Oh, Jonah, it was the other leg yesterday.
Make up your mind.
Ask him if you don't believe me.
I hurt it kicking the wall.
People always say I'm disruptive.
Miss, I don't wanna sit next to Troy.
He's a homo.
Sit next to Troy! They don't even know that I'm just trying to make things more fun and more interactive.
Kids in the class don't even care, because they're doing their work and they're concentrating and it's boring, and all of a sudden they get a joke, and they just get a little break from their work and they get to laugh.
So that's not If that's being disruptive, then fuck you.
That's not disruptive - that's entertainment.
I'm just getting the worksheet, Miss.
Let me do some work for once.
Do it quietly, thank you.
I'm doing it quietly! There you go, homo.
Don't use Jonah, do not use that word in this class, thank you.
Why not? It's an English word.
This is an English class, isn't it? Well, Jonah now has a contract.
I got Jonah to come up with a list of promises that he thought he could fulfil in areas where he felt that he could make an improvement in himself.
So we've got behavioural promises and academic objectives.
And it works remarkably well.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sit down.
I want to sit next to Leon.
I'll learn more.
Sit over there now.
Fuck you, miss.
Beg your pardon? I said "Puck you"! With a 'P '.
Don't you know how to spell? I know what you meant.
I have to do all the work required in class and respect all teachers.
I like what you 're wearing, miss.
It looks nice on you.
Is that from Sussan's? Jonah What does your contract say about talking in class? It gives him a boundary.
See, he knows when he's stepped outside of the rules, because he made the rules.
Jonah, cap off, balls on the ground now! OK, miss.
What are you doing? You said put my balls on the ground.
My balls are on the ground, miss - look! Get up off the ground! Stop molesting my arm, miss.
It's his own authority that he created, you know? He's not letting anybody else down except himself.
I'm looking for two strong boys.
Sir, please pick me! Pick me! Troy and Cameron.
Fuck you, sir.
Excuse me, Jonah? I said, "Puck you, sir.
" Well, Jonah, you 're gonna have to go and sit outside Ms Murray's office.
Why, sir? And you 've broken your contract.
Well done.
There's no time to be excited.
I've been running round all day trying to organise things, and I rang Mum at recess and told her, and she cracked it with excitement.
Mmm.
I'm director of performing arts.
Spread it.
I'm busily emptying out Meredith's office, getting her crap out of the room.
You 've called the office of Mr G, the director of performing arts.
Please leave a brief message and he'll get right back to you.
Do it again.
You mumbled on "brief message".
New sign.
Rodney made that for me this morning in his free.
Oh, the students are pumped.
They are, yeah.
The applause that I got from my Year 9s this morning.
I just went in, I went, "I'm director of performing arts!" And the applause was just unbelievable.
Junk, crap, useless.
You could use that, couldn't you? The kids are very excited.
They couldn't stand Mrs Cotton.
I used to say to the kids, "How do you deal with it?" And the kids would say, "Oh, we hate her, Mr G.
She sucks.
" Celine, don't wipe your bum on the photo of Meredith.
Don't wipe your bum on it.
Greg, you 're terrible.
Oh, the staff are really excited too.
Everyone's giving me a little Doing the little that when I walk up the corridor.
Eyebrow raise thing, when usually they look away.
Oh, there's Alannah.
Alannah! Have you heard the news? I'm director of performing arts.
Spread it round.
Oh, here we go.
He's doing his Kermit voice.
He always does this when he's excited.
No, I don't do my Kermit voice, Rodney.
I've got nine years of ideas that have been bottled away, and I feel like the you know, the lid's been lifted and I'm gonna explode all over the school.
So, like, sunny here.
It's like there's no shade or anything.
Mmm.
So, who are, like, the really, like, the hot girls in Year 11? Like, the really popular ones? Well, there's Holly and her friends, but they're bitches.
Are they mean to you? Yes.
Can you introduce me to them? Remember? Except I had it flicked more, like I'm all scrunched.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Ja'mie.
I'm doing the exchange program from Hillford.
Oh, my God, yeah! We all liked your assembly speech.
Thanks, yeah.
It was so embarrassing.
You 're the one who does modelling.
Yeah, yeah.
Is this your friend? Um, they set me up with her.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like your hair.
Oh, thanks! Oh, cool, so you 're Holly? Yeah, I'm Holly.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, so cool meeting you.
Like, I was walking round the playground, going, "Are there any decent-Iooking girls here?" We're the hot ones of the school.
So gonna get along, and in my group at school, I'm, like, the hottest girl, so I attract all the guys and that.
Yeah, no, that's gonna be really good.
That'll be good for us.
That's gonna be so good for you.
Girls, have you heard? I'm director of performing arts, as of today.
No, no, I don't have time for it, Toby.
I don't.
Specials are not exempt from detention, OK? I have no hesitation in busting you.
Please let me go.
Go and get that paper over there.
Pick it up.
Paper.
Go and get it.
Excuse me, girls.
Can I just pop that in with yours? Brenda, can I get you to sort and staple those? We don't normally do this for teachers.
Well, I'm a head of department now, so if you want me to take it further, I will.
In my pigeonhole, please.
Just wanted to have a word re the noise coming from the gym.
I'm hearing ball games from my drama room, and just wanted to let you know I'll be taking it up with the principal unless you do something about it, OK? Sorry, Stacey, gonna have to jump queue.
Head of department priority.
Oh, I'll just take one here.
How's that? That looks nice.
Yum.
Um, OK, as of today, you guys come under the umbrella of 'performing arts', so it's music, dance, drama.
Um, I'm director of performing arts, so I will now be your superior.
Um, Jenny, I notice you 've got a free between recess/lunch Thursday.
Can I get you to cover my Year 9s for that? 'Cause I've got a lot on.
Shouldn't you run that by timetabling? No, timetabling do not need to know.
I'm head of department.
I can override that Chris.
And looking for volunteers to cover my playground duty any time.
I need some time off.
Got lots on.
So hands up if you want to volunteer for that.
Anyone? Yes! Seriously, do you know the guys that have the kind of Mohawk thing that goes down at the back? That's hot at the moment.
That's so cool.
Some of the, like, guys that are, like, Eurasian, sort of.
Like, sort of cross.
They are hot.
I try and avoid other cultures at all costs, but at this school I'm Asian.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry, no offence to you, 'cause you 're hot Asian, yeah.
There are so many ugly, annoying Asians at my school.
Are you single? Single? Yeah, at the moment.
I broke up with a guy, like, a month ago.
Holly just broke up with her boyfriend as well.
He gave her that ring.
Pretty full-on, yeah.
He gave her this really nice ring.
Oh, you got the little one.
Do you wanna do a photo, group photo of us? Ashley can take it.
That tastes really nice.
Guys, come in.
I'll go in the middle.
Yeah.
Here, here.
Sit here.
OK.
Do, like, hot.
Just Hot.
Totally.
We want a good one.
Make sure you get all of us in.
Hurry up, please.
Go, "One, two, three.
" One, two, three.
Oh, my God! It's hot as! Text that to me? Have you guys got mobiles? Yeah! Oh, cool.
I wasn't sure if you 'd have them, but cool.
So Oh, my God! We're friends! Yeah.
Introduce me to whoever.
I just wanna meet everyone.
I organise various programs.
This one is directed towards our Islander kids, and I've called it Polynesian Pathways.
OK, hurry in.
Everybody get a seat.
We're offering alternate pathways in life for the Islander kids to help steer them away from the deadly spiral of unemployment, crime and drug abuse.
You got a girl one! Joseph got a girl one! Well, Jonah's responding, you know, very well.
He's sort of relishing the opportunity of displaying his traditional culture.
I'm not wearing this shit in front of anyone, sir.
I fuckin' hate Polynesian Pathways.
It's fucked up.
They make you dance like a homo, and we have to do this performance in assembly.
You two, stop pissing around.
I'm not pissing.
He keeps trying I fuckin' hate it.
We got a special guest speaker today.
Now, Luke is Samoan, and he has been in jail.
If you fuck up in school, you 're gonna fuck up your life.
That's fucked.
Were there girls in your jail? You 're gonna end up being MY girl in a minute.
There's, um, career options, anger issues, development stuff.
Man boobs.
What are they? Where do they come from? And a strand on modern music and hip-hop.
Yo, yo, yo.
# Being Tongan Come from the island # Respect your culture, mmm, yeah # Motherfucker # This is a chance for them to celebrate their culture, and also to show them that we celebrate their culture.
Sir, when is this shit over? Um The principal and I have been onto the department for a couple of years about getting rid of these demountables.
They've been here for years, and there's no fans in them, there's no heating.
They're just they're a terrible teaching environment.
I mean, that's just downright dangerous.
That's That could come off and just go straight into a student.
Well, I've been encouraging Margaret to get onto the department about knocking the whole bunch of buildings down to build the performing arts centre for music, dance and drama.
Look what he's called it - The Gregson Performing Arts Centre.
I don't think we'll be calling it that.
That might be going a bit too far.
10,000-seat theatre, so we can put on professional-level shows.
Got a fly tower, got time capsule.
I'm gonna put a time capsule in out the front.
500-space car park, so we'll be encroaching on the oval a little bit, but it'll be worth it, 'cause when we put on shows, we wanna be able to get the audience in.
My office at the top there.
Room for secretaries and whatnot and that sort of thing that I would need.
I keep joking with Greg that I'm gonna have myself an office built just over alongside his here and call it the dramatic science office.
Well, that won't be happening.
Yeah.
'Cause it's for drama and performing arts only, so you won't be in the building.
So, this is like senior playground? Yeah.
This way.
Come this way.
We'll show you round here.
They're, like, the fully sicks, OK? They are SO daggy.
Don't ever speak to them, OK, or you won't be friends with us.
It's Chinatown over there.
Bec used to be over there, and we, like, totally adopted her.
Over there are the emos.
Some dyke emos as well.
Do you have lesbians at this school? Yeah.
Oh, my God! I don't think you 're allowed to be a lesbian at my school.
Yeah, well, I really thought private school girls would be, like, really bitchy and snobby and really annoying, but, like, they're totally not.
Like, I didn't think they'd be as nice as Ja'mie.
We always get that.
Just because I'm rich doesn't mean I'm a bitch.
There are so many fat chicks at this school.
And I thought, like, public school girls would be all, like, skanky bogans and, like, totally dumb and stuff.
But we're not.
And they're so not.
It's, like, such a stereotype.
Sorry, guys.
They're just young.
Don't worry.
You guys would fit in so well at a private school.
Like, if you got some new clothes and stuff, and, like, your hair was a bit different.
We'd be the popular girls with you and stuff? Probably not - like, if you came to our school, you would be sort of halfway down.
Gumnut Cottage.
It's a little place where you go to learn how to read and crap.
For remedial reading.
People who have no nuts usually go there.
Call it 'Gumnut No Nuts', 'cause if you go there, you got no nuts.
Jonah and Leon go there.
He goes there.
Leon goes there.
I don't go there! You go there.
YOU go there! Bullshit! I don't fuckin' go there.
Your mum goes there.
Shut up.
I saw you last time.
I don't fuckin' go to Gumnut Cottage.
Jonah attends Gumnut Cottage five periods a week for remedial reading.
Jared felt what with Jane? Oh, miss! Miss, miss, miss, miss! OK, Jonah.
Pissed off? No.
One of the goals that Jonah's written into his Polynesian Pathways contract is that he wants to be able to learn to read by the end of the year.
Two points each for us boys.
How many? Two points each, miss.
And at the moment, he's reading at about an 8-year-old level, which that's not unusual, particularly for boys.
Sound it out.
Cuh Sss sssur Surfing.
No, cir-cus.
It starts with a fuckin' 'C '.
Yeah Reading is the main thing I want to do with my contract.
'Cause if I could learn to read, then I could read books all day.
I could just I could read, like, 'Harry Potter' in a day.
What might you find at a circus? The eleph Yeah, come on.
Clowns! What's that word? I dunno.
OK, so sound it out.
I don't wanna sound it out.
I want you to sound it out.
Maybe I don't want to.
Well, that's what we're doing at the moment.
We're reading.
Too slow.
You 're too slow.
Jonah's quite erratic in his approach.
He's all enthusiasm and all guns blazing one minute, and then the next minute, it's kind of snap, and I'm the worst person in the world, and it's "fuck this" and "fuck that".
It's a bullshit children's book! I don't fuckin' wanna read it anyway! That's the intriguing thing about Jonah, and, you know, it's the thing that I love about Jonah too.
You never know what you 're gonna get.
Why don't you fuckin' kill yourself, you bitch?! Miss Palmer's alright.
She's one of the mad maddest teachers in the whole school.
She's better than any other teacher here.
Jared was Wanking! Pardon? Wanking.
Sometimes I give her electric shocks.
Like, you do your feet on the ground like this.
Like that, and then when miss goes past, I go, "Miss!" And touch her, and it gives her electric shock, and she just laughs at me.
'Silently' means "quietly'.
'Silently' means "Stop talking, miss.
" Exactly.
She's got a good sense of humour, and she appreciates me.
I think Jonah really, really does want to learn, and he really wants to be able to learn to read.
Miss, miss, look at this! Look.
It's better on the mat, miss.
I'll show you at lunch.
OK.
See ya, miss.
See ya.
Come find me at the amphitheatre.
How do you spell 'amphitheatre'? I'm out of the room, miss.
I'm not spelling.
Sucked in to you! See ya, miss! What are they doing? They throw apple cores.
They do this all the time.
Those guys are hot! Don't hit us! Totally throw it back.
They love it when you do it.
Yeah, I read an article about all the sluts in public schools.
It's so bad.
Not all the time.
There ARE more sluts in public schools.
Like, no offence.
Sorry, Shane! Don't get me! Don't get me! God! Sorry, sorry.
I think what happens is, like, out in the outer suburbs, like, ugly people breed with other ugly people, right? So you end up with really fugly kids.
That's why you look around a public school, and, on average, like, no offence, but people are more fugly.
Whereas, in a private school area - in a rich school area Shut up and let me explain.
OK.
In a rich area, like, hotter people breed with other hot people and have hotter kids.
Don't aim for me, please! It's getting stupid now.
Seriously.
Over the term that I'm here, I wanna, like, get to know everyone.
Like, all the Year 11 s, all the teachers and stuff.
Hi, Mr Cameron! Hi, 'Jamie'.
And, I guess, do what I can to make some changes around the school.
Like, make a better environment for everyone.
Academically, um, like, the standard's pretty low here, so it's probably gonna be really easy, like, no offence.
I know I'm really gonna miss my Hillford friends and stuff, and, um that's gonna be really bad, and I just don't wanna be in classrooms with, like, no airconditioning and, like, asbestos in the roof and stuff.
It's OK.
And no And just crap desks and, like, skanky bogans everywhere and sluts and You 've got us! It's not that bad.
And I just wish I was with my friends, and I wish I was going back to Hillford.
Ja'mie Ja'mie, you 've got us to be with.
Don't worry.
'Gregson'.
He's called it 'T he Gregson Performing Arts Centre', which is stupid.
It's just him being stupid.
We don't have to call it that.
No.
Call it that if you want.
You don't mind if I have one of these? No, no, no, no.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Help yourself.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm, they're nice.
I've got just some matters to chat with you, seeing you 're here with me, Greg.
The first one is I've had a call from Meredith.
Uh, her mother in New Zealand is in a stable but very serious condition.
So it looks like it's gonna be a pretty long stay for Meredith over there.
Good.
OK.
Is that it? Well, no.
Meredith says she wishes you well with 'A nything Goes'.
Good.
Well, tell her it's all under control.
Yes, good.
Now, the other issue is Jenny has come to me and claims that you 're almost forcing her to take some of your classes.
I never said, "Take my classes.
" I said that if she has a free period, it would be helpful if she took one of my classes.
I wasn't forcing her to do it.
She's lying.
She's a bloody liar.
She's I'm Well She didn't get that impression, actually, Greg.
She got the impression that you were actually trying to get out of one of your classes.
OK, am I not the director of performing arts? Is that not my title? Music is a performing art.
It comes under the umbrella of performing arts.
So therefore she is under my control.
Lunderstand that.
Just keep your cool, OK? I AM keeping my cool.
Sue has also spoken to me, and she says that you 've taken over her pigeonhole in the staffroom.
Yes, I have taken over her pigeonhole, because I have a lot of paperwork, and I need more space, and hers is empty half the time.
Greg, I find that That's just selfish.
I find that rather a feeble sort of comment, I'm afraid.
You 're the head of drama.
Nothing more - head of drama.
You don't need two pigeonholes.
Fine.
OK? Good.
Six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four When I meet girls, they're usually really threatened straightaway, right? So that I meet them, and they're, like, "Oh, my God! She's so hot! I'm never gonna be friends with her.
" Then I go up to them, and I'm like, "Hi! How you going?" And they're really surprised that I'm giving them the time of day.
Your foot, point it down.
Where was I pointing it? You 're pointing it like that.
You need to go there.
Like, look, it's a height thing.
I think I'm a really down-to-earth girl, and, in the end, people realise that.
That's so hot! So hot! Do you guys like Bec? Yeah.
Like, do you reckon she's really annoying sometimes? I totally find her annoying.
I kind of do, actually.
She makes the dumbest calls, and she's just, like, so random.
It's not 'cause she's Asian, it's 'cause she's annoying.
I didn't think I'd find such a cool bunch of girls to be friends with, like, just in one day.
It's been so good.
Do you wanna, like We could run away from her.
It's what we used to do with a friend of mine, who was a totally annoying bitch, and we just ran away from her whenever she came near us.
It's been the best day.
I know I'm gonna love it here.
Oh, my God! Hi.
This school is pathetic.
Tell me everything.
It's so crap.
It's horrible.
Oh, my God.
Don't let her see me.
Ja'mie, see ya! Nice meeting you.
Is she gone? Yes.
Oh, my God! The girls here are skanks! They're such bogans! Oh, my God! Look how short those skirts are! See you tomorrow, Ja'mie.
You guys rock! Thanks for showing me around.
See you on MSN tonight! Yuck! Oh, my God! See what I mean? I feel sorry for you! I can't believe I'm gonna do, like, a term here.
Oh, I know.
Hi, cast.
I'm here.
Could I have everyone on the floor, please.
I have an announcement.
Quiet, please.
Miss Allan, stop sewing, please! Um, now, as you know, we are one week out from 'A nything Goes', and you 've all put in a massive amount of effort on You can pat yourselves on the back for all that effort.
Um, but I have a question for you.
Who likes doing Mr G's shows? You 've all done them.
Who likes doing them? I certainly do.
Inevitably, they are a better-quality production.
Which is why I've had to make a really tough decision.
And I've decided to cancel 'Anything Goes'.
We're cancelling the show.
We're not doing it.
Don't freak out.
The good news is I will be writing a new musical.
There WILL be a production this year, and you 'll all be invited to audition for it.
Settle down, please.
There is nothing you can do about this.
I'm the boss of the department.
You can't go any higher than me.
Please! Settle down.
"Mr G has made the right decision.
" " Mr G has made the right decision.
" "And we will all be in a better show.
" "And we will all be in a better show.
" Finally, I feel as though I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Meredith had me trapped for way too long.
Try out our new spot.
And now I feel as though I've been set free, and I don't have to answer to anyone.
The sky's the limit.
Move, girls.
You should not be blocking the staff car park.
Move, or I'll run you down.
Move! Ja'mie's decided that she actually wants to go out with Sebastian Perrone.
He's hot! Ja'mie's in love with Sebastian! She really wants to be, like, the first Year 11 girl to go out with a Year 7 kid.
So, what, like, attracted you to me? They're just perfect together.
I pashed, like, 135 guys.
I reckon he's the one.
Look at me! I'm fucking hot! You 're not getting it back.
Am I hot? Yes! Tomorrow, we've got junior school dance.
Piss off, Year 7 s! I reckon I'm pretty good at it.
He thinks he can break, but he can't.
He's come to school with semen stains on his pants.
Do you ever have wet dreams? Heel and toe, heel and toe.
This tragic incident will obviously lead to a lot of media attention.
We're all in shock.
She was what the kids would call a slut.
# It's a Bummer Heights High.
# I've come up with a concept for my new musical.
I want it done tastefully.
# She's a party girl with a bad habit.
# I look like a homo in this.
# Playground play Come and play in the playground.
# It's gonna be so cool! I can't wait!