Sunnyside (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

1 What? What is it? I dunno, something's weird.
Here.
Yeah, definitely.
You kiss weird.
Sorry? I don't know, it's like you don't have a human tongue, it's like a snake tongue and that tongue hates my tongue - and wants it to suffer.
- (police siren) What? Is there a problem here, ma'am? No problem here, Officer.
Dude kisses weird.
Weird how? Check it out.
Oh, yeah there is something wrong with that tongue.
It's dry like a desert, but then there's a gross spit oasis there too.
Yeah, totally! Here, let me check.
Ugh! Whoa, dude.
Not cool.
Kinda like kissing a cow, I should know.
God, I miss my wife.
Here, let me try.
Ooh! That is weird.
I'm into it.
Dude's all yours.
I owe you one, sister.
What? Mmmmmm This medicated ointment is really clearing up my eczema.
You've never looked less dry.
I-I just go through it so quickly.
Lucky for me, I guess.
I-I wonder if I'm applying it correctly.
Well, you know, if you ever need any help I could stop by or - Oh, hi, Denise.
- Hi, Teddy.
What do ya got for me? Anything for leprosy? I think I'm coming down with leprosy.
Now is not a great time, I'm kinda busy I'm Theresa.
- Oh! - Aren't we all.
And I bet you got a long list of symptoms, too.
I I-I have eczema.
It's pronounced 'egg-zemo'.
A little lover's token? That's my ointment! How could you, Teddy? I trusted you and this is what you do, you just give it away? I'm a pharmacist? No, Teddy, I'm a pharmacist.
You think you can steal my man? Did he tell you that I'm pregnant? You're pregnant? I don't know.
I'm thirsty all the time and I can't stop swearing.
I'm definitely something for (bleep) sakes.
She's just a customer, that's it.
That's it? Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, that's it.
I'll be just a customer somewhere else then.
I'm sorry, Teddy.
I see another girl with one of your pharmacy bags, and I just wanna give her head a curbside clog dance.
I'm a wittle jealousy-wealousy.
'Cause you love me so much? Yeah, sure.
Now why don't you put that back in five minutes sign up and we'll go out back and I'll give you a Chippewa flapjack.
Okay! You know, I'm seeing all these posters for Hole Day, what is that? It's the worst.
All day hole celebrations, hole pancake breakfasts, hole races for the kitties.
Ugh, kitties are the worst.
I know, can they see themselves? O-Okay, but why do they call it Hole Day? Because of the hole.
The hole? What the hell is Whoa! (screams) (thud) I thought he'd never leave.
So many questions.
Questions are so 'Ugh, I'm asking questions'.
Over it.
Over it.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Newman!? Happy Hole Day! I didn't know you were coming.
Well, Vicky was our daughter.
I remember last Hole Day when we got super loaded at your house and we trashed it while you guys were away in France.
Vicky told us it was a break and enter.
Hilarious.
It is exactly that sense of humor I'm gonna miss most.
(microphone feedback) Listen up, everybody! Vicky was my oldest friend.
She was there when I got my first period.
When I lost my virginity, she was guarding the stall door.
She was at my wedding and I wanted to be at hers, but she died.
When Gordon told me that he was gonna propose to Vicky in a hot air balloon, I thought, "What a romantic surprise.
" Who knew that she would be so surprised that she would fall out of the basket? (crying) (gasps) Oh, my God! Do you think anybody notices? Uh, yeah.
Vicky was a beautiful person on the inside.
Nobody has to mention her skin tags, I'm not gonna mention her skin tags.
A lot of people thought she was a bitch, but I knew that she was sad inside because she chunked out after high school and I ended up with Warren and no offense, Gordy, but she got you.
But at least we know she died happy because despite having over 26% body fat, which she did and that weird ear mole, she finally landed a man.
Congratulations, Vicky.
I, for one, never thought it was gonna happen.
All: Congratulations, Vicky! (cheering) (sobbing) Are you up yet, sleepy head? I did a grocery run and made a Hole Day breakfast while you were conked out.
You deserve it.
You worked up an appetite last night, whew! Sorry, I don't like to eat before church.
Oh, but breakfast is the happiest meal of the day, see? I gotta say mass.
Oh, but, Father, wait Face it, Calliope, no one will ever love you.
What do I do with these feelings? (knocking) Oh, what the hell.
I'm a sucker for a man in uniform.
Nice day for a walk.
With who? (rattling) With you? - (rattling) - You? This is a safe place, please don't feel uncomfortable.
As your life coach, it's important that you share your deepest anxieties about your marriage.
Yeah, that's fine.
I just didn't expect it to be in a bar.
Well, the sense of comfort helps my clients to relax, plus, have you seen the price of office space? Pfft, unreal.
Sally, can I have another Sex on the Beach? Coming up.
Life coach counseling is thirsty work.
Okay, let's start with you, Carla.
Fine, Graham won't stop asking me questions like 'What do you want me to make for dinner' or 'Do you like this gift I got you?', 'Why won't you talk to me?' It's enough already.
Could I say something in my defense? Another question, you're still doing it! Please, speak, Graham, while I will be active listening, which means I'll be making this face Carla and I only have one problem We're back.
Happy Hole Day, everyone.
People up front may be able to see up my skirt.
There's nothing I can do about that, nothing.
Skirt light, please! This one's for you, Mom.
One, two, three, four! You were saying? Just, I feel like Carla isn't as committed to the marriage as I am.
What? She doesn't pay attention to my body.
Pay attention to what? My body.
What part of your body? You know, like my private parts.
She refuses to touch my penis! - (music cuts out) - (glass shatters) We don't take requests.
This next song is dedicated to my grade nine math teacher.
A horrible pervert, seated right over there.
(cheering) Hi, Mr.
Jarvis.
One and a two and a three Alright, don't touch me You know what? This isn't working for me.
Carla, I'll be waiting for you in the car.
Sorry.
I'm sorry my life coach counseling couldn't fix your marriage.
Don't be too hard on yourself, he left, didn't he? (laughing) Yeah, I guess so.
Ahh, finished! A beautiful drawing for a beautiful man.
Good job, lad, well done! It looks just like you! Carrie, it's your turn.
There's no better way to commemorate Hole Day and something to show your friends at the police station.
Okay.
(giggles) Okie doke, a beautiful drawing for a bona fide gremlin.
Sorry, what? Shh, let the artist create.
But-But did he just call me a gremlin? Ah, good fellow, you've out done yourself, yes.
He's used his crafty marker to capture your essence.
- I draws 'em like I sees 'em.
- Mmm.
- - (screams) I don't look like that! I don't I don't have fangs! I don't have weird cat eyes! I don't look like that! Carrie, what's the problem? He's captured your 'je ne sais quoi'.
I am not a gremlin! (bang) The gremlin's on a rampage! Hide the children before she feasts on their bones! Hey, gremlin, stop there! - (tattoo machine buzzing) - (man screaming) One coffee, one tea for the surprisingly good looking gentleman.
Why do I always drink coffee? Is it because my parents drink coffee? It's time I started making my own choices, I'll have the tea.
Well, speaking of choice, I choose you Juniper.
- You're so beautiful - Ugh, Juniper.
My mom chose that.
Well, that name is engraved on my heart, and not just figuratively.
Let me show you something.
So I want a new name.
- Terpsichore.
- Terpsichore - Terpsichore? - Terpsichore, it's Greek.
She's the muse of dance, which is perfect because I love to dance.
Why are you taking your shirt off? I'm not.
Tattoo removal is a fairly simple process, we remove a strip of skin from your legs or your buttocks and we graft it on replacing your tattoo.
That sounds painful.
(laughing) No.
I'm sorry, I'm just remembering a joke Yes, it is very painful.
Yeah.
(man screaming in pain) - (tattoo machine buzzing) - (man screaming in pain) Hi, Terpsichore, I wanted to show you something.
Foona-Poona-Rapandoola.
That is my new name.
- Foona-Poona-Rapandoola - Oh, that's your new name? Uh, where did you come up with that? Right here, it's completely my own choice Poona-Poona-Rapandoola.
Did you say that different the second time? Poona-Poona-Rapandoola.
Okay.
- Poona-Poona-Rapandoola - I gotta go, so (man screaming in pain) Hey, Foona-Poona-Rapandoola, I have something to show you here, so Actually, I've gone back to Juniper.
Juniper Foona-Poona-Rapandoola is stupid.
Yeah It's a drag to change my driver's license.
Oh, yeah, I bet it is.
So we're, um, back to Juniper then.
Mm-hmm.
Cool.
Great! (man screaming in pain) Juniper, I have something to show you? And I've got something to show you.
My new boyfriend, Guy.
Guy Oh, your new Okay, that definitely explains the kissing.
Yeah, he is my new choice.
Choosing choices feels good.
- You should try it.
- Oh, should I? That sounds amazing for you.
Anyone else here named Juniper?! Anybody?! If your name's Juniper, I've already committed to you! Anyone?! This is my butt skin! Well, it's certainly been a lovely day, but I guess this is where we say goodbye.
Bye, shopping cart.
Shopping cart, what do you want? (gasps) Oh, shopping cart.
Don't worry, shopping cart, it happens to every guy now and then.
You'll feel better later.
You know, I know this is kind of soon, but I think that my mother would really like you.
She uses a two-wheel shopping buggy, but still Oh, my God.
What am I doing? Dating a shopping cart? This is some low rock bottom crap, Calliope.
It's not you, it's me! (door slam) (crash) The gremlin's gotta be around here somewhere! Aaaah! Having a bad day, rookie? Partner, it's been like a nightmare.
Everybody says I'm a gremlin, but look at me, I'm not a gremlin! - Shh, shh.
- Aaaaaaaaahhhh! You seen the gremlin? I think maybe she went down that way.
Ah, we'll get that monster now! Aaaaaahhhh! I'm not a monster.
Come here, it'll be fine.
How can it be fine, everybody's chasing me and they say I'm a gremlin.
You had a bad day is all, kid, it'll be different tomorrow.
It will? Sure, yeah, we'll be out there, catching bad guys, rolling up our rims bet you win a free bagel.
You really think so? Sure, kid, sure.
(crack) Aaaaaahhhh! You found the gremlin? Yeah, I found the gremlin.
(cheering) I hate it when a good cop goes gremlin.
Hey, everybody, Hole Day is about to begin! Hey! Better get ready to catch! This doesn't look like High Park.
High Park? You got off the streetcar too soon.
Head west, you'll know you left Sunnyside when no houses use confederate flags as curtains.
What's Hole Day? Hole: I believe I can field that one.
Is that a talking hole? Once a year, every item that was accidentally dropped in the hole over the past 12 months, is returned.
Returned? How exactly does that - (retching) - Out of the way, it's starting! Remember, finders keepers! (whoosh) - Man: It's a wallet! - Wallet! (grunting) Aaaah! I am Lena Fong.
(cheering) (whoosh) My baseball glove! - (laughing) - My baseball glove.
(mocking child) My baseball glove.
You baby! (cheering) (whoosh) Woman: A kitty cat! Oh, my evil minion.
- (cat hissing) - (screams) My beautiful face! - (screech) - (crash) (cheering) (whoosh) - Indentured servant! - Aaaaah! (thud) Girls: I want him, I want him! (flesh tearing) I got an arm, I got an arm! (cheering) How long does this go on for? Hole: I've barely started.
(boom) Hey, what's that? (crash) Dream on, shopping cart, it's not gonna happen.
Hi, I'm Bernadette, assistant to the mayor of Sunnyside, Mayor Fred.
How can Sunnyside have a mayor, it's a neighbourhood.
Yes, it's a completely illegitimate title, but it's one that we at the mayor's office take very seriously.
- What can I do for you? - Hole Day photo op.
We need video to show that the mayor is a man of the people.
Can he work your counter for a little while? And I get to go on break, sure.
What is this place? Got like a Scooby Doo vibe.
It's the alternate reality store: customer pays, they put their hand on the globe (poof) and that's it, if you need me I'll be in the back.
Happy Hole Day.
Was hoping I could sling some grilled cheese sandwiches.
Real good at making grilled cheese's.
I need a new reality ASAP.
Rodney, we rolling? Yep.
Hi, Mayor Fred, man of the people.
How can I help? I just hit a man with a cat on his face in my car.
Oooh, been there.
Bet you want a grilled cheese sandwich.
A what? No, I want a reality where I just didn't kill someone and their pet.
(chuckle) Please, I feel so guilty about this.
You know, when I feel guilty, I make myself a grilled cheese sandwich.
Makes me feel like a kid again.
Who could be mad at a kid eating a grilled cheese? It's the coziest sandwich! You know, it sounds crazy, but sometimes I wish I was a grilled cheese.
(electric buzzing) (pop) (gasps) Thanks for stopping by.
We done here Bernadette? We done? I think we got it.
Mmm, I smell something good.
Oh, it's me! (boom) (screams) Man: What the hell is that?! (door chimes) Ahhh! (cheering)