Sunnyside (2015) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Life is like a box of white wine.
(cheering) First, you're laughing at it, then you're laughing with it, and then you're puking it up without knowing where the time or your underwear Karen went.
Yeah.
We're all going to put a memory in this friendship time capsule and in 2 years, we're gonna dig it up and remember how awesome it is being friends.
I'm putting in the charm bracelet you gave me for being your bridesmaid.
What, why? Don't you like it? Like it? I love it! I'm putting my bracelet in too.
I spent a lot of time picking these out, I got them engraved.
Jackie? Melissa? Melissa B.
?! What the hell, you guys, do you just hate the bracelets that I got you? Your wedding was the highlight of our friendship, it was way better than Jackie's lap band surgery or Vicky's funeral.
You are the glue that holds this group together.
- (sigh) - To Stephanie! To Stephanie! - Cheers! - Oh, that's so sweet! I'm gonna put in my wedding ring so I can always remember how you girls helped me when I found out that Warren was cheating on me.
Okay, let's commit these memories to Earth and get our drink on! (cheering) Here, Warren (ominous music) hold these for us.
Uh! (cheering) (cheering) My God, it's a body.
Hole, what happened? Your guess is as good as mine, Officer.
What do you mean? There's a body sticking out of you.
Really? Well, I hope I haven't been like this all day and nobody mentioned it.
How embarrassing would that be? So you didn't see what happened? Sorry, only one question per day.
You've answered two questions already.
Did I? Sorry, I'm under a lot of stress.
There was a guy who was annoying me, but, uh (clears throat) don't worry, he stopped.
I know buttermilk is not great with gin, but it is all we had.
Hey, Grandpa, time for your medicine (gasps) Oh, my God, it's a hobo! Hobo? This is Kimmie, my 'fian-see'.
No, that can't be true.
It took me a while to believe it too.
For so many years, it's been never the bridesmaid, never the bride.
Ain't she something, Eugene? Eugene?! This is the grandson! Come and give your new grandma a big old kiss, come on.
Can't you see that she's a predator? She's just after your money.
You got money? Cool.
We met by kismet.
I was taking out the recycling and there she was.
I was looking for empties and found love.
Look at me, I'm wearing an apron! It's like I'm on TV! (laughs) You're my own Lena Horne.
Ooh, we're in love.
And I take good care of you, don't I, baby? Mmmm.
But I take care of him! Uh, like this? Definitely not like that.
But what would Grandma say? Ah, she wouldn't care, as long as we used a coaster.
And we always do.
We don't wanna leave a ring on the coffee table.
Mm-hmm.
Wait, you don't mean that you guys are having That's right, S-E-X.
I just spelled sex.
That's sick, Grandpa, I mean, look at her teeth.
What's wrong with my teeth? They're nice and soft.
What would your doctor say? He said I got maybe 5 years to live so I'm gonna go for it.
5 years? That's what they told me at the clinic too.
(gasps) Both: Kismet.
I'm calling the cops.
You go ahead.
We're not frightened of your police, are we, Kimmie? Kimmie? Where the hell'd she go? She ran off.
Oh, Grandpa.
She took Grandma's candy dish and all your medicine.
Fair enough.
I may have given her the clap.
Hi.
I have a little problem and it's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing's too embarrassing for the pharmacist, my dear, what is it? Hemorrhoids? Herpes? Yeast infection? Constipation? Oh, is it a fungus? Ooh, nothing fun about fungus.
Is it diarrhea? Jock itch? Ear wax? Worms? Was it worms in your rectum? Eww.
Stop.
Um, I, uh, I called in sick for work yesterday and now I need a doctors note or I'm fired.
Oh, yeah, you better see a doctor.
It's not the kinda sick that you see a doctor for, it was a (glug) Oh, charades! Oh, um Oooh! Uh, okay, um, book or movie, uh, one word, two words? Brain tumor? I was drunk, um, and then I was hung over and I called in sick for work, now I need a note.
Okay, I'm a pharmacist so I can't really write doctor's notes.
But it's my eighth time! There's a really strict 'eight strikes and you're out' rule.
Eight strikes? Wow, that's lenient.
That's the problem, they make it so hard.
It's impossible for me to not take advantage.
Yeah, that's, uh, that's unfair to put you in that position.
That's a lot of pressure.
Now I'm gonna be jobless and homeless.
Just give me one large order of suicide pills.
Oh, no, no, no, don't cry.
No, no, no don't cry, don't cry, don't cry! Okay, I'm gonna make an exception this time, okay? Here you go.
Thanks, pal! I didn't actually think you would do this! Well, don't mention it, please don't mention it.
One more thing can I get the morning after pill? (sigh) Maureen, we need another one of those breakfast specials.
Hey, Shaytan, hate to be a pest, but do you have that 20 you owe me? Patience, BangBang.
I'll have your money for you when my boss rewards me for my bottomless cup of coffee idea, it's diabolically clever.
(evil laughs) How are free refills diabolical exactly? Free refills, they stay longer.
The longer they stay, the hungrier they get and then pow! They buy one of our high markup sandwiches.
Free refill, please.
Wait, where did you get that sandwich? Oh, no, no! Jesus Christ! Huh, Jesus! Sandwich? Jesus I'm so sorry to hear your wedding was cancelled, Kimmie.
How do I tell Georgette? She was looking forward to being a flower girl.
Oh, she'll get over it.
But you, you're left with nothing.
Well, I did get this in the divorce.
Ahh! Isn't that precious.
Georgette, look, a fancy drugs holder! Oh, I feel like a Rockefeller.
More of a Kennedy, really.
Hmm.
Hmmm.
Hmm! Huh, Jesus! Excuse me.
Oh, hey.
Sorry we're late.
Traffic was fine, can't blame the traffc.
It's a good game, we're in the fifth.
Yeah, Sunnyside Eggs are up three to two.
Oh, that's okay, I don't care Ooh! - Foul ball! - Whoa, that's a doozy! You okay, honey? Where did that come from? Never take your eye off the ball, Jacqueline.
- Foul ball! - Jeeze, that's a lot of foul balls! I'm scared, I wanna go home.
- Crowd: Ooh! - Jacqueline! Don't look away, don't look away! How many balls are they playing with?! It's like they're specifically targeting us! Open her eyes, open her eyes.
But don't look away.
Ohh! - Crowd: Ooh! - Foul ball! Come on! Garth, isn't that you? What? Wait a sec.
Turn around, vagabond, this is a closed reception.
Wait, wait, wait.
In the window, is that a picture of me? That hardly seems likely.
Can't I just look at the Whoa! Arugula, call the police.
I mean, wow! Why are there huge pictures of me? That's not a picture of you, that's art, that's Brando.
That's me! Who's Brando? Why does he keep taking pictures without asking? Does the painter ask the bowl of fruit? Does the sculptor ask the clay? You have to be in my house to get these shots.
I know, it's incredible, isn't it? It's part of Brando's 'Garth at Home' series.
Whoa, that's me in the bathroom! The level of grotesque personal shame is wonderful.
It's almost pornographic.
Hold the phone! What!? Certainly brave.
(applause) You, you're Brando? You're the peeping tom who keeps taking these sick, sick pictures of me? Oh, I ought to deck you! (camera snaps) (crowd gasps) (crowd claps) How the hell? Brando.
Hi, baby! Oh.
So mwah breakfast date, huh? That's a first, we usually don't go out until after dark.
Yes, my dear, that's because although it saddens me to say, it's time for us to part ways.
You're breaking up with me? Why can't we stay together? If it was up to me, of course! Sadly, my wife is not so open minded.
You're married? And the children disapprove.
With children? Don't forget about me.
Oh, yes, and my very pregnant Daphne.
You have a Daphne?! Yes.
But you said we would be together forever.
Was that just a lie? Well spotted, that's exactly what it was.
Most of the things I said were lies.
Including his health, you better come in for a check-up later today.
You'd better come too.
You gave me an STI? Don't worry, I anticipated your distress and that's why I called 9-1-1.
You called an ambulance? That's 4-1-8, I called the Sunnyside 9-1-1.
You called? What's the 9-1-1? You are Look at me, look over here! Oh, I'm dancing.
You are Oh, what a comical way to vacuum.
Oh, right up the bum! (laughing) - Oh-ho, oh, I'll pay for that later! - You are hilarious! (laughing) Children, come.
So are you free tonight? Well, I guess I'm free now.
Um, let's wait till after your doctor's appointment.
Oh, my life is garbage.
Psst, missy, wanna buy this bike? Hey, that's my bike! That's why it's perfect for you.
I should call the police.
But I am an anarchist.
(sigh) How much? $150.
I forgot, I have to go into the store and I don't have my lock.
Yeah, I know, I just cut that off.
Tell ya what? I'll watch your bike while you go in the shop.
Great.
Thanks.
Hey, nice bike! How much? Two hundo.
Huh.
Whew, whew! Where'd my bike go? I cannot tell a lie, I have no idea.
(sigh) You sold my bike? Yeah, but you'll be happy about this: I got 50 extra bucks for it.
Why would that make me happy? 'Cause now I can afford to take you to a nice place for dinner.
Please say yes.
Isn't it time you confessed, Hole? The truth will set you free.
No, Sid, my lawyer, will set me free.
Not another word until he gets here.
Sid, wasn't that the name on this guy's ID? Oh, right, man, I'm forgetful.
I'm just not myself since I killed Sid.
Excuse me? I mean, since I didn't kill Sid.
(nervous chuckle) Damn, why isn't my lawyer here? Because you killed him? Oh, right.
Crap, when will I learn to shut up? I've got an extra ticket to the Country Music Screech Fest Sunday night, but my date had a botched surgery.
Interested? Hundred bucks.
Are you kidding? Country is the devil's music.
Moonshine, truck nuts, self satisfied ignorance, I am so, so up for this.
Please, please! Be my guest.
If you got the dough, you gets to go.
First person to show me a hundred bucks, gets the ticket.
A hundred? Okay, b-r-b, which is short for be right back.
That took longer, okay.
Here.
Oh, too late.
I already sold it to the first taker.
Jesus Christ almighty.
Jesus! Oh, it was.
Jesus Gimmie some'n Hey, uh, maybe, uh, this guy should, uh, cut down on the poutine! Am I right? (laughs) At least put on a shirt chubbo! (obnoxious laughter) That's Siddhartha Buddha.
Revered by his followers as the enlightened one.
Hey, Vince, maybe you should, uh, enlighten up! (obnoxious laughter) You're so funny, Jimmy! Why can't you be funny like that, Vince? Hey, look, it's, uh, it's incense.
Or as I like to call it - (fart noise) - fart coverage! Oh! (laughs) You went there! - Oh, ho, ho, ho - You went there.
Everyone thinks Jimmy's funny, I want a reality where everyone thinks I'm funny.
50 bucks and we'll throw in a free candy.
Hand on the globe.
(poof) (whispers) (pop) Hey, Jimmy, you find what you need? Like a new hat or personality? (laughing) (choking) Uh do these have peanuts in them? (laughing) Oh, my God I, I'm deathly allergic to peanuts.
(laughing) He fell down! (laughing) It's funny 'cause he's foamy! (laughing) Hey, I'm a little bit jealous, kinda wish I was that funny.
50 bucks and we'll throw in a free candy.
(poof) Then I said, "Well, Mr.
Prime Minister, woop-woop-woop! Look at my bum!" (laughs) Oh, Jester, you are so funny.
Please, call me Motley.
Well, this is me.
Great, I'm anxious to show you there's a lot more to me than just my mad cap hilarious antics.
Not today.
But I, uh, thought we had something special.
You're really funny, but I'm looking for something more serious.
Bye, Jester.
Call me Motley! Woo-hoo, look at me, aren't I a silly boy? Damnit, I'm immune.
Daisy, I need to talk to you.
I'm really just trying to enjoy these flowers right now.
Oh, nice, but I have something important to say.
I have never seen colours like this.
This is about me and your husband.
- What?! - Don't look away, don't loo! Foul ball! Shaytan, look what I got Oh, you shouldn't have.
For Kayla.
I didn't think anyone remembered that it's my third anniversary at the Dark Roast.
Oh, you said for Kayla, right.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was your anniversary.
Oh, no, no, it's no biggie.
It's not like it's the harrowing of hell or anything.
I'd give you Kayla's gift, but it's a pink phone.
I'm good.
Pink is not my colour.
I figured.
Shaytan, can you stay after work? Oh, you're so predictable, Arthur.
Another surprise staff work anniversary party? No, inventory control.
Oh, that sucks.
Yeah.
Shaytan, I have a card for you.
Ha ha! I knew I could count on my favourite coffee card.
Yes, that's what I was thinking the whole time.
More of a card for you I think, but Me? What?! For me? (organ music) Oh, come on.
Jesus gets to fly? Super not fair! (fart noise) Jesus! You're a worthy adversary, sir.
Jesus A worthy adversary.
Gimme some'n! (sniffling) Hold it right there.
How did you get in here? Your landlord gave me a pass key, but it didn't work so I kicked it in.
Please, stop and think.
An overdose of pills is no way to end your life.
Sure the world is unfair, love is impossible.
But there has to be another way.
Like what? Um, like this.
(screams) (crash) (laughs) (car alarms going off) He dies funny! (laughs) I feel better now.
What the hell? Don't look away! From what? - D'oh! - Foul ball! So, rookie, looks like we're letting him go.
But he basically confessed! He also denied involvement, it's his word against his, we got nothing! Sid?! Are you okay? Sorry, ma'am, he's dead.
Sid, no! But I did it for you, baby, for us.
What? It wasn't just a fling? Oh, Hole, now we can get married.
Uh, baby? Ah? (gunshot) What the hell was that?! Fear of commitment.
Well, we're all witnesse, Hole, so this time you're under arrest! And how does that work exactly? I don't know, we go, we get a jackhammer and we dig up the street and Dangit, he's a hole.
We're gonna let you off, but with a warning.
Don't let this happen again.
But, but it's not right, it's not justice! Forget it, kid, it's Sunnyside.