Sunnyside (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Hi, I'm Garrett Modi, and I'm running to be your next city councilor.
My parents moved to Sunnyside, Queens, with one dream: to raise their kids in the greatest country on Earth in the greatest city on Earth.
You know, it wasn't easy, but the people of this community supported them.
And as your next city councilor, I promise to work as hard for you and your family as you did for me and mine.
So let's get to work.
[SNORING.]
- - [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Diana, what's up? Uh, it's been a week.
This is my office now.
Diana, I appreciate your passion, and I congratulate you on a hard-fought race to replace me.
You should be very proud of what you've accomplished.
But, you know, the thing is gonna blow over.
The council voted to remove you unanimously.
Unanimously, what does that even mean? Okay, I've asked you several times to pack up, and now somehow, there's even more stuff he - Garrett, are you living here? - Absolutely not.
Is this your shower caddy I found in the bathroom? Yes, thank you.
I was looking for that.
There's not even a shower in there.
With the right attitude, any place with running water is a shower.
Can I tell you something? When you first got elected, I was so excited.
I thought, "Finally, a young person in office who's going to make a difference.
" Then you spent 15 years partying with Wall Street douchebags and D-list celebrities instead of, I don't know, doing your actual job.
I did stuff.
I once brought Elon Musk to Sunnyside, and he almost agreed to dig one of those tunnels no one wants here.
Wow, really? Yes.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Councilman.
Hey, sis.
Little help? Nah.
So the girlfriend kicked you out of the apartment, and then the new councilwoman kicked you out of the office? Double kick out? Yeah, but the girlfriend one was mutual.
Really? Yeah.
We mutually agreed that I'd move out of our place or she'd beat me up.
She'll come around.
I just need to talk to her.
Huh, I can see why you would think that.
What's that supposed to mean? Talking is the only thing you've ever been truly great at.
Dude, when you were eight, you convinced me to give you the top bunk.
I won the coin toss.
Bottom bunk sucks! - You loved it.
- What are you doing here, man? Why don't you just go stay with Mom and Dad? Because a guy my age living with his parents is pathetic, but a guy my age living with his sister, slightly less pathetic.
Besides, it's only temporary.
I have a five-step path to redemption.
Step one: lie low, okay? People will eventually forget about the thing.
Step two: get a job, save some money, make some powerful connections.
Haven't figured out steps three and four yet.
Step five: get reelected.
America loves a good political comeback story.
Counterpoint: Richard Nixon, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner again.
Man, he really did do it again.
- That guy cannot help himself.
- It's bonkers.
Don't send pictures of your wiener to people BOTH: Especially if your name is Weiner! [CHUCKLES.]
Isn't this great? You and me living together this week, why don't we just call it a year, a year and a half? Oh, my God, you don't have any money.
- Completely broke, yes.
- How is that possible? Because all my savings are tied up in my investments.
Jet Skis are not investments.
I can't even tell you how stupid you sound right now.
Get a job, and don't mess up my office.
- Coin toss for your bedroom? - No! [MELLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer? - Can I see some ID? - Bro, you don't know who I am? I know who you are.
You're on the city council.
More like I am the city council, dude.
It's just me and a bunch of duds.
There's a couple of full-on sex creeps in there too, if I'm being perfectly honest.
- Sir - After a few more years with those idiots, I'ma run for Congress, win, then I'm gonna run for governor, win, then I'm gonna be president, baby.
Okay, you're definitely under arrest now.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Officer, officer, officer.
If you let me go, I'll I'll give you $10,000.
- Sir, you don't want to do this.
- $100,000.
- Bribing an officer is a felony.
- You drive a hard bargain, and I respect the hell out of that.
- Million bucks.
- Sir - Ten million.
- Sir Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
One billion dollars.
We got a deal? [SIGHS.]
- - [KEYS CLICKING.]
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
[ALL RETCHING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- States now - Oh, there he is.
- Yo.
- So, listen, it's 50 bucks an hour each up front.
I will not actually puke on you.
There's no nudity of any kind.
Pictures are $20.
T-shirts are $30 No, dude, we don't want any of that.
Uh, we need your help.
We're trying to become citizens.
Citizens? You seem pretty American to me.
Yeah, dude, no crap, because, like, I am American, or, like, I thought I was.
Then I went to get my driver's license, find out that my mom brought me over here when I was two, overstayed her visa, never told me.
Now I gotta take, like, some dumb history test just so I don't get sent back to Moldova.
Where even is Moldova? I don't know, man.
What do I look like, a book? This is our little study group.
That's Griselda.
She's Dominican, and she's, like, old.
That's Hakim.
He's a nerd from Ethiopia.
Mei Lin and Jun Ho, they're rich as hell, but they won't actually say where they're from.
Yeah, technically our dad now lives in international waters.
He means we have no knowledge of his current whereabouts.
For the last few weeks, we were all taking a class that was helping us with the test and the paperwork, but it all shut down when somebody bought the building.
Yeah, it's getting turned into one of those shared work spaces.
It's like, ew.
Yeah, seems like everything's getting turned into one of those.
No, I mean like, "Ew, work and share.
" Point is, it's like impossible to get into a new class.
They're all booked, and the wait lists are super long so - [FRENZIED TECHNO PLAYS.]
- Damn it, damn it, Drazen.
- No, not now.
- Is good, eh? - No, that music sucks.
- Number one in Romania.
Okay, that added nothing.
Ah, is this the man who will help, the man with the vomit? He will save us.
It was a great idea, brother.
- Great idea.
- We're not brothers.
Ow.
We are Moldovans.
We are countrymen.
You and I are the same, Bojan.
My name is Brady now, and we are not the same.
I'm awesome; you use the word disco as a verb.
Ah, you want to disco? Let's go disco right now.
Guys, guys.
I I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm temporarily out of office.
Ah, we know, and it's not temporary.
- You're done, baby.
- It's a matter of opinion.
We need a teacher and we need a place to study and we need you to call someone to make that happen, preferably someone who has not humiliated himself as flagrantly as you have.
Or you could just make us citizens.
Actually, a city councilor can't just make someone a citizen.
Ugh, whatever, just do it.
Please, please.
We're just asking you to make one phone call.
You can convince anyone to do anything.
I once saw you give a speech at the opening of Wahlburgers down on Northern Boulevard.
It almost made me want to eat there.
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey there, I'm calling for Councilman Webber? This is Garrett Modi.
Sorry, go what myself? That's what I thought.
Ah, bad connection.
I'll I'll try somebody else.
- Service - Call somebody else Hi, Garrett Modi for Councilwoman Barea? Garrett Modi.
Hmm, tell him to go get hit by a truck, and then hang up on him.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- Well, she wasn't in.
- Oh, that's okay.
Call somebody else.
Uh, sure.
Uh Yeah.
Councilman! Hey, listen, uh, I've got this fantastic group of people who need some help with their citizenship applications.
What the hell are you talking about, Garrett? I'm at work.
You will? Hey, that's fantastic.
Okay, look forward to hearing from you.
He'll be in touch.
ALL: Oh! - Thank you.
Thank you so much, man.
- That's great.
What is the difference between the Department of Agriculture and the Department of the Interior? Guys, as much fun as it is doing homework as grown adults, I have to say, when I said ask me anything, I kinda meant like who's the coolest celebrity you ever made out with, not how many amendments does the Constitution have.
Too bad.
Until your friends call back, this is what we're paying you for.
It was Rihanna's cousin, if, uh, anybody was wondering.
I, uh, made out with Rihanna's cousin.
Um, we have a proposition for you.
We pay you to take the test for us.
Pretty sure that's illegal, but, also, how would that even work? I look nothing like either of you.
Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.
Our dad, he has this guy.
He can make anybody look like anybody.
He's like Picasso with a scalpel.
Yeah, nobody wants to look like a Picasso, so I'm gonna go ahead and say no to that one.
- Griselda, you're up.
- Yep.
Oh, wow, I thought you worked at FedEx.
I do, in the day.
At night, I work here.
- Wow, two jobs.
- Kind of.
In the morning, - I deliver newspapers - Oh.
Then I go teach a Zumba class at 7:00 before work.
- At FedEx? - No, at my paralegal job.
Then I go over to the Genius Bar and I fix a couple of iPhones for a few hours, then FedEx.
Let me get you a refill.
This is a lot of stuff to learn.
Dude, this is the easy part.
You know how much crap we had to deal with just to get here? You have to maintain residence for five years, assuming you can find a job and a place to live, and the rent in New York makes the rent in Mekelle look like Aleta Wendo.
Where I'm from, that's a very trenchant observation.
It kills.
And you're suppose to keep a clean record, - which is, like, why? - Gonna move? Gotta fill out an AR-11.
Traveling? That's an I-131.
Oh, and who knows? Maybe while you're visiting your sick grandmother, they might just decide that no one from your country - is allowed in anymore and - [FRENZIED TECHNO PLAYS.]
Damn it, Drazen, not now! Actually, let's go with never.
Never play what you consider music.
Oh, my God, guys, I'm sorry, but your hour's almost up and they they haven't called back, so, uh, good luck.
Wait, so you're just gonna leave? We were gonna hire you for the whole week, and now we have to start over? I'm sorry, did you say for the week? That's like 15,000 bucks.
Something about the way you said that makes me feel like you think that's a lot of money.
Oh, my God.
Do you think that's a lot of money? Here, take whatever this is.
It smells weird.
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Yo, guess what, Mal? I'm already at step two of my plan.
I got a job, and this one does not involve humiliating myself.
- What's the job? - Well, this group of people wants me to help them become citizens.
Do you know anything about how to become a citizen? I do not, but I'll be, like, the cool teacher, you know, take some field trips, do that thing where you sit in a chair backwards, maybe get a cool leather jacket.
Plus check this out: I am getting paid.
I can hire a PR team.
Can you imagine how good it's gonna look for my reelection campaign if it gets out that I've been helping these poor people out of the goodness of my heart? Except you're very clearly not helping them out of the goodness of your heart.
You're doing it for your reelection campaign.
That's a really good point.
I should talk to my PR team about that.
And if you have cash now, you can pay me rent.
And I will do that, Mal, just as soon as I take care of some very pressing financial obligations.
I promise you, once I'm solvent again, everything I have is yours.
Are those new Jordans? You're the best, Mal.
Bye.
Ha-ha.
N-336 form finished.
Now you haven't done your N-400 yet.
But 336 is before 400.
Why does 400 go first? I don't know, okay? I shouldn't have to know any of this.
- I'm American.
- Nah.
You're Moldovan, like me.
Stop.
Can you just give a normal hug? It always feels like you're trying to peel me.
Why can't this be like high school? Whenever we had trouble, our dad would just have one little conversation with our teacher, and we'd get all "A"s.
- He bribed them? - Hakim, I wouldn't call getting your family back a bribe, but sure.
Yo, guys, it's becoming clear your dad is a legit supervillain.
Okay, I'm gonna plead the third on that one.
The Third Amendment prohibits the quartering of soldiers in private homes.
Okay, I I don't know which one that I'm pleading to then, all right? I don't understand why everyone expects me to learn things now.
It's not my brand, okay? It's not fair! Hey, guys, guys.
I understand you're getting stressed out, okay.
I think, what it is is, you're a little too focused on what you have to know.
Being American is just as much about how it feels.
Grab your stuff.
We're gonna take a field trip.
[UPBEAT HORN MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Drazen, you can't take that much relish, man.
It's free.
If they don't want me to take it, it should cost money.
Hey, why did you bring us here? What does this place have to do with us? Are you kidding me? Look at those guys out there.
You got immigrants from everywhere: uh, Dominican Republic, South Korea, Cuba, Puerto Rico.
Uh, Puerto Rico is in the U.
S.
Yeah, I know.
That was a test.
Only Hakim passed.
You know, one of the things that makes baseball so cool is that it's always been an immigrant's sport.
Did you know that 30% of all major leaguers were born outside the U.
S.
? I'm talking guys like Ichiro Suzuki, Miguel Cabrera, Albert Pujols.
How much worse would the game be without those guys? How much worse would America be without all the people who came here from all over the world and brought their history and culture with them? You know, they say that this country is a melting pot.
I say nowhere is that more clear than out there.
Sit down, idiot! Right.
Is that actually why you took us here, or did you just want to see a game and then we called you on it and you pulled all that out of your ass just now? Little of A, a little of B, but you have to admit I did make some pretty good points.
Ah, you did.
You did.
And thank you for bringing us.
It's been inspiring just being here.
Well, back to work.
Soda! Soda here! ["CHARGE" PLAYS.]
So this must be quite a change, - Ethiopia to New York City.
- I guess so.
I'm not making as much money as I used to, but that's okay.
Wait, what? What were you doing in Ethiopia? I was a cardiothoracic surgeon.
Yeah, but then I won a green card lottery, and this was my chance to come to America.
I had to take it.
If you're a doctor, how come you're driving a cab? Can't get certified yet.
Citizenship should help, but it will still take a few years.
Can I can I ask uh, uh, I mean, you had a nice life in Ethiopia.
Why not just stay? Because America is the best.
Here, anything is possible.
Eh, so what I have to fill out some papers, drive a cab, leave my Jet Ski back home.
You have a Jet Ski? I have a Jet Ski.
Hey, Jet Ski buddies.
Oh, man, that sucks you had to give that up.
No, it's worth it.
I'm here because I love America and I want to be a part of it.
We all do.
That's really awesome, man.
Thanks for the ride.
Hey, uh, America is great, and anything is possible, et cetera, et cetera, but only if you pay people for their work.
Yeah.
You owe me $27.
50.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Hey, what's up, y'all? Who's ready to learn? Hey, I stayed up late last night, watched a bunch of YouTube videos about American history, somehow ended up watching, like, three hours of people unboxing LEGOs, which is weird 'cause I don't even like LEGOs.
What's wrong? They took Drazen.
- What? Who did? - Immigration.
What are you talking about? He has a green card.
Well, I guess he messed up something on his paperwork or something, and that's enough sometimes.
God, he was so bad at that crap.
This blows.
Can you call one of your city council people and at least figure out where they're holding him? I doubt it.
They're not gonna take my calls.
They haven't spoken to me in months.
Wait, I'm sorry, I I thought you said someone was going to help us.
I, uh, I did say that, um and, uh, and that was a lie and that was a crappy thing to do.
But, look, the the truth is, even if I had gotten through to them, politicians don't spend their days trying to figure out how to help people like you.
But Hakim and I had a wait, wait, wait.
Hakim and I had a great conversation last night.
We had a good talk.
I really want to help you.
Yeah, well, I don't think we need your help anymore.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
One billion dollars.
We got a deal? Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer? If you watch it too much, it gets less funny, but then if you keep watching it, it comes all the way back around the other side and it gets really funny again.
Mal, you know those people I was helping? One of them got taken by ICE last night.
Can you believe that? I mean, that's awful, but, yeah, I can believe it.
Well, Drazen was doing everything right.
The guy had a green card.
It's messed up.
Yeah, it is, and it's been happening for years.
I mean, maybe you could've done something about it while you were in office instead of partying on Alec Baldwin's yacht.
It was Daniel Baldwin's catamaran.
- I wish it was Alec's yacht.
- Gross! You're right.
I'm a screwup, right? I should've just become a doctor like you and Mom and Dad and Falguni Auntie and Harendra Uncle and Bipin Uncle and You know what? I'd rather be a cliché than someone who's pretending to be Mr.
All-American.
"Oh, look at me, I'm a politician.
I played baseball.
" You know why I played baseball? 'Cause I was good at it.
And when kids saw that I was good, they didn't bully me anymore.
They didn't see me as different.
They accepted me.
[SPEAKING HINDI.]
[SPEAKING HINDI.]
Okay, so this guy got taken.
What are you gonna do about it? I mean, nothing.
What can I do about it? Of course.
Things got hard, and so you're bailing again.
So is that step three or step four of your five-step plan? [SIGHS.]
I'm Garrett Modi, and I'm running to be your next city councilor.
My parents moved to Sunnyside, Queens, with one dream: to raise their kids in the greatest country on Earth in the greatest city on Earth.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
New plan.
[UPBEAT HORN MUSIC.]
A-ha! I found you! Wait, before you say anything.
I'm sorry, okay? I really messed up.
I'm sorry for lying to you.
I'm sorry for being a dick.
Although, you know, lying about your credentials and putting your own happiness above other people really is one of the most American things you can do, so I guess that's another lesson you learned from me, and you're welcome.
But my point is, I want to make it up to you.
How many taxi cabs did you jump into before you found me? A lot.
There are a lot of really angry cab drivers out there.
So what do you say, man, help me get everybody back together? Let's go.
So we call this the Electoral College.
It's one college that does not have a football team.
Oh, what are you even talking about? Look, I told you, I'm more of a science guy.
Hey, guys.
Hi, I know you're really pissed at me, okay? But I think I can help you and Drazen.
- Will you come with me? - Oh, thank God.
- Bill Nye sucks.
- He's so boring.
Be less boring.
Hey, am I still gonna get paid? [UPBEAT HORN MUSIC.]
Hey, Brady.
Come with us.
We're getting the gang back together.
What? These aren't my glasses.
- I wear 'em as a joke.
- Come with us.
You guys cool with this? Hmm.
- Sweet.
- Great.
Now we just need to find Griselda.
I'm right here.
I'm almost on my lunch break.
Where are we going? - Hey.
- Oh, come on.
No, I want to apologize.
You know, I got to sit at that desk basically because I was good at talking.
I talked this city into electing me, and then I never did anything.
You're not gonna make that mistake.
You're obviously gonna be a way better city councilor than I ever was.
I mean, that's a pretty low bar.
Harsh but fair.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm sick of talking.
I want to start doing.
Their friend Drazen got taken by ICE last night.
Can you help us find him? I can try, but they don't allow anyone into those facilities.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Oh, also, President Lady, we need to get into a citizenship class.
- They're all booked.
- Actually, guys, that part I think I have covered.
You know, when you're born in America, you never really have to learn how lucky you are.
I don't want to take that for granted anymore.
If you'll have me as your teacher, I'll learn whatever I have to.
I'll help you with the paperwork.
I'll help you study.
I'll know the Constitution better than [EXHALES.]
The guy who wrote the Const - James Madison.
- James Madison.
I said it at the same time as you.
I'll be with you every step of the way, and we'll figure this thing out together.
Also, here's your money back, minus a couple of hundred in teaching expenses.
Shoes count as teaching expenses.
Can we come to you if we ever need any help navigating this process? Fine, but I'm only helping them.
Also, for your information, there were a lot of drugs left in your desk.
Those days are behind me.
You keep them.
I threw them away, you maniac.
C'mon, guys.
Here, this is used.
Do you have recycling? All right, can anybody tell me who Benjamin Franklin was? Ooh.
He's the guy on the hundred.
Those are my favorites.
Why does anyone use the other ones? - Okay, but what did he do? - He flew a kite in a storm, and that was smart, for some reason.
Yes, but that's not exactly what I'm looking for.
Ooh, is he Hamilton from Hamilton? - That's Hamilton.
- Are you sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure Benjamin Franklin isn't Hamilton.
Garrett, I've been in surgery all day.
You can't just let a bunch of strangers into my house.
Okay, rude.
First of all, it would only be illegal if we were soldiers and the government was forcing you to house us here.
That's a little thing I like to call the Third Amendment.
Boom.
Jun Ho, you learned something.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
I did.
I'm amazing.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS.]
Am I the smartest person here? What kind of surgery we talking about, arthroplasty, fasciectomy? - Who are you? - I'm Hakim.
My parents moved to Sunnyside, Queens, with one dream: to raise their kids in the greatest country on Earth in the greatest city on Earth.
You know, it wasn't easy, but the people of this community supported them.
And as your next city councilor, I promise to work as hard for you and your family as you did for me and mine.
So let's get to work.
[SNORING.]
- - [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Diana, what's up? Uh, it's been a week.
This is my office now.
Diana, I appreciate your passion, and I congratulate you on a hard-fought race to replace me.
You should be very proud of what you've accomplished.
But, you know, the thing is gonna blow over.
The council voted to remove you unanimously.
Unanimously, what does that even mean? Okay, I've asked you several times to pack up, and now somehow, there's even more stuff he - Garrett, are you living here? - Absolutely not.
Is this your shower caddy I found in the bathroom? Yes, thank you.
I was looking for that.
There's not even a shower in there.
With the right attitude, any place with running water is a shower.
Can I tell you something? When you first got elected, I was so excited.
I thought, "Finally, a young person in office who's going to make a difference.
" Then you spent 15 years partying with Wall Street douchebags and D-list celebrities instead of, I don't know, doing your actual job.
I did stuff.
I once brought Elon Musk to Sunnyside, and he almost agreed to dig one of those tunnels no one wants here.
Wow, really? Yes.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Councilman.
Hey, sis.
Little help? Nah.
So the girlfriend kicked you out of the apartment, and then the new councilwoman kicked you out of the office? Double kick out? Yeah, but the girlfriend one was mutual.
Really? Yeah.
We mutually agreed that I'd move out of our place or she'd beat me up.
She'll come around.
I just need to talk to her.
Huh, I can see why you would think that.
What's that supposed to mean? Talking is the only thing you've ever been truly great at.
Dude, when you were eight, you convinced me to give you the top bunk.
I won the coin toss.
Bottom bunk sucks! - You loved it.
- What are you doing here, man? Why don't you just go stay with Mom and Dad? Because a guy my age living with his parents is pathetic, but a guy my age living with his sister, slightly less pathetic.
Besides, it's only temporary.
I have a five-step path to redemption.
Step one: lie low, okay? People will eventually forget about the thing.
Step two: get a job, save some money, make some powerful connections.
Haven't figured out steps three and four yet.
Step five: get reelected.
America loves a good political comeback story.
Counterpoint: Richard Nixon, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner again.
Man, he really did do it again.
- That guy cannot help himself.
- It's bonkers.
Don't send pictures of your wiener to people BOTH: Especially if your name is Weiner! [CHUCKLES.]
Isn't this great? You and me living together this week, why don't we just call it a year, a year and a half? Oh, my God, you don't have any money.
- Completely broke, yes.
- How is that possible? Because all my savings are tied up in my investments.
Jet Skis are not investments.
I can't even tell you how stupid you sound right now.
Get a job, and don't mess up my office.
- Coin toss for your bedroom? - No! [MELLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer? - Can I see some ID? - Bro, you don't know who I am? I know who you are.
You're on the city council.
More like I am the city council, dude.
It's just me and a bunch of duds.
There's a couple of full-on sex creeps in there too, if I'm being perfectly honest.
- Sir - After a few more years with those idiots, I'ma run for Congress, win, then I'm gonna run for governor, win, then I'm gonna be president, baby.
Okay, you're definitely under arrest now.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Officer, officer, officer.
If you let me go, I'll I'll give you $10,000.
- Sir, you don't want to do this.
- $100,000.
- Bribing an officer is a felony.
- You drive a hard bargain, and I respect the hell out of that.
- Million bucks.
- Sir - Ten million.
- Sir Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
One billion dollars.
We got a deal? [SIGHS.]
- - [KEYS CLICKING.]
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
[ALL RETCHING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- States now - Oh, there he is.
- Yo.
- So, listen, it's 50 bucks an hour each up front.
I will not actually puke on you.
There's no nudity of any kind.
Pictures are $20.
T-shirts are $30 No, dude, we don't want any of that.
Uh, we need your help.
We're trying to become citizens.
Citizens? You seem pretty American to me.
Yeah, dude, no crap, because, like, I am American, or, like, I thought I was.
Then I went to get my driver's license, find out that my mom brought me over here when I was two, overstayed her visa, never told me.
Now I gotta take, like, some dumb history test just so I don't get sent back to Moldova.
Where even is Moldova? I don't know, man.
What do I look like, a book? This is our little study group.
That's Griselda.
She's Dominican, and she's, like, old.
That's Hakim.
He's a nerd from Ethiopia.
Mei Lin and Jun Ho, they're rich as hell, but they won't actually say where they're from.
Yeah, technically our dad now lives in international waters.
He means we have no knowledge of his current whereabouts.
For the last few weeks, we were all taking a class that was helping us with the test and the paperwork, but it all shut down when somebody bought the building.
Yeah, it's getting turned into one of those shared work spaces.
It's like, ew.
Yeah, seems like everything's getting turned into one of those.
No, I mean like, "Ew, work and share.
" Point is, it's like impossible to get into a new class.
They're all booked, and the wait lists are super long so - [FRENZIED TECHNO PLAYS.]
- Damn it, damn it, Drazen.
- No, not now.
- Is good, eh? - No, that music sucks.
- Number one in Romania.
Okay, that added nothing.
Ah, is this the man who will help, the man with the vomit? He will save us.
It was a great idea, brother.
- Great idea.
- We're not brothers.
Ow.
We are Moldovans.
We are countrymen.
You and I are the same, Bojan.
My name is Brady now, and we are not the same.
I'm awesome; you use the word disco as a verb.
Ah, you want to disco? Let's go disco right now.
Guys, guys.
I I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm temporarily out of office.
Ah, we know, and it's not temporary.
- You're done, baby.
- It's a matter of opinion.
We need a teacher and we need a place to study and we need you to call someone to make that happen, preferably someone who has not humiliated himself as flagrantly as you have.
Or you could just make us citizens.
Actually, a city councilor can't just make someone a citizen.
Ugh, whatever, just do it.
Please, please.
We're just asking you to make one phone call.
You can convince anyone to do anything.
I once saw you give a speech at the opening of Wahlburgers down on Northern Boulevard.
It almost made me want to eat there.
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey there, I'm calling for Councilman Webber? This is Garrett Modi.
Sorry, go what myself? That's what I thought.
Ah, bad connection.
I'll I'll try somebody else.
- Service - Call somebody else Hi, Garrett Modi for Councilwoman Barea? Garrett Modi.
Hmm, tell him to go get hit by a truck, and then hang up on him.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- Well, she wasn't in.
- Oh, that's okay.
Call somebody else.
Uh, sure.
Uh Yeah.
Councilman! Hey, listen, uh, I've got this fantastic group of people who need some help with their citizenship applications.
What the hell are you talking about, Garrett? I'm at work.
You will? Hey, that's fantastic.
Okay, look forward to hearing from you.
He'll be in touch.
ALL: Oh! - Thank you.
Thank you so much, man.
- That's great.
What is the difference between the Department of Agriculture and the Department of the Interior? Guys, as much fun as it is doing homework as grown adults, I have to say, when I said ask me anything, I kinda meant like who's the coolest celebrity you ever made out with, not how many amendments does the Constitution have.
Too bad.
Until your friends call back, this is what we're paying you for.
It was Rihanna's cousin, if, uh, anybody was wondering.
I, uh, made out with Rihanna's cousin.
Um, we have a proposition for you.
We pay you to take the test for us.
Pretty sure that's illegal, but, also, how would that even work? I look nothing like either of you.
Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.
Our dad, he has this guy.
He can make anybody look like anybody.
He's like Picasso with a scalpel.
Yeah, nobody wants to look like a Picasso, so I'm gonna go ahead and say no to that one.
- Griselda, you're up.
- Yep.
Oh, wow, I thought you worked at FedEx.
I do, in the day.
At night, I work here.
- Wow, two jobs.
- Kind of.
In the morning, - I deliver newspapers - Oh.
Then I go teach a Zumba class at 7:00 before work.
- At FedEx? - No, at my paralegal job.
Then I go over to the Genius Bar and I fix a couple of iPhones for a few hours, then FedEx.
Let me get you a refill.
This is a lot of stuff to learn.
Dude, this is the easy part.
You know how much crap we had to deal with just to get here? You have to maintain residence for five years, assuming you can find a job and a place to live, and the rent in New York makes the rent in Mekelle look like Aleta Wendo.
Where I'm from, that's a very trenchant observation.
It kills.
And you're suppose to keep a clean record, - which is, like, why? - Gonna move? Gotta fill out an AR-11.
Traveling? That's an I-131.
Oh, and who knows? Maybe while you're visiting your sick grandmother, they might just decide that no one from your country - is allowed in anymore and - [FRENZIED TECHNO PLAYS.]
Damn it, Drazen, not now! Actually, let's go with never.
Never play what you consider music.
Oh, my God, guys, I'm sorry, but your hour's almost up and they they haven't called back, so, uh, good luck.
Wait, so you're just gonna leave? We were gonna hire you for the whole week, and now we have to start over? I'm sorry, did you say for the week? That's like 15,000 bucks.
Something about the way you said that makes me feel like you think that's a lot of money.
Oh, my God.
Do you think that's a lot of money? Here, take whatever this is.
It smells weird.
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Yo, guess what, Mal? I'm already at step two of my plan.
I got a job, and this one does not involve humiliating myself.
- What's the job? - Well, this group of people wants me to help them become citizens.
Do you know anything about how to become a citizen? I do not, but I'll be, like, the cool teacher, you know, take some field trips, do that thing where you sit in a chair backwards, maybe get a cool leather jacket.
Plus check this out: I am getting paid.
I can hire a PR team.
Can you imagine how good it's gonna look for my reelection campaign if it gets out that I've been helping these poor people out of the goodness of my heart? Except you're very clearly not helping them out of the goodness of your heart.
You're doing it for your reelection campaign.
That's a really good point.
I should talk to my PR team about that.
And if you have cash now, you can pay me rent.
And I will do that, Mal, just as soon as I take care of some very pressing financial obligations.
I promise you, once I'm solvent again, everything I have is yours.
Are those new Jordans? You're the best, Mal.
Bye.
Ha-ha.
N-336 form finished.
Now you haven't done your N-400 yet.
But 336 is before 400.
Why does 400 go first? I don't know, okay? I shouldn't have to know any of this.
- I'm American.
- Nah.
You're Moldovan, like me.
Stop.
Can you just give a normal hug? It always feels like you're trying to peel me.
Why can't this be like high school? Whenever we had trouble, our dad would just have one little conversation with our teacher, and we'd get all "A"s.
- He bribed them? - Hakim, I wouldn't call getting your family back a bribe, but sure.
Yo, guys, it's becoming clear your dad is a legit supervillain.
Okay, I'm gonna plead the third on that one.
The Third Amendment prohibits the quartering of soldiers in private homes.
Okay, I I don't know which one that I'm pleading to then, all right? I don't understand why everyone expects me to learn things now.
It's not my brand, okay? It's not fair! Hey, guys, guys.
I understand you're getting stressed out, okay.
I think, what it is is, you're a little too focused on what you have to know.
Being American is just as much about how it feels.
Grab your stuff.
We're gonna take a field trip.
[UPBEAT HORN MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Drazen, you can't take that much relish, man.
It's free.
If they don't want me to take it, it should cost money.
Hey, why did you bring us here? What does this place have to do with us? Are you kidding me? Look at those guys out there.
You got immigrants from everywhere: uh, Dominican Republic, South Korea, Cuba, Puerto Rico.
Uh, Puerto Rico is in the U.
S.
Yeah, I know.
That was a test.
Only Hakim passed.
You know, one of the things that makes baseball so cool is that it's always been an immigrant's sport.
Did you know that 30% of all major leaguers were born outside the U.
S.
? I'm talking guys like Ichiro Suzuki, Miguel Cabrera, Albert Pujols.
How much worse would the game be without those guys? How much worse would America be without all the people who came here from all over the world and brought their history and culture with them? You know, they say that this country is a melting pot.
I say nowhere is that more clear than out there.
Sit down, idiot! Right.
Is that actually why you took us here, or did you just want to see a game and then we called you on it and you pulled all that out of your ass just now? Little of A, a little of B, but you have to admit I did make some pretty good points.
Ah, you did.
You did.
And thank you for bringing us.
It's been inspiring just being here.
Well, back to work.
Soda! Soda here! ["CHARGE" PLAYS.]
So this must be quite a change, - Ethiopia to New York City.
- I guess so.
I'm not making as much money as I used to, but that's okay.
Wait, what? What were you doing in Ethiopia? I was a cardiothoracic surgeon.
Yeah, but then I won a green card lottery, and this was my chance to come to America.
I had to take it.
If you're a doctor, how come you're driving a cab? Can't get certified yet.
Citizenship should help, but it will still take a few years.
Can I can I ask uh, uh, I mean, you had a nice life in Ethiopia.
Why not just stay? Because America is the best.
Here, anything is possible.
Eh, so what I have to fill out some papers, drive a cab, leave my Jet Ski back home.
You have a Jet Ski? I have a Jet Ski.
Hey, Jet Ski buddies.
Oh, man, that sucks you had to give that up.
No, it's worth it.
I'm here because I love America and I want to be a part of it.
We all do.
That's really awesome, man.
Thanks for the ride.
Hey, uh, America is great, and anything is possible, et cetera, et cetera, but only if you pay people for their work.
Yeah.
You owe me $27.
50.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Hey, what's up, y'all? Who's ready to learn? Hey, I stayed up late last night, watched a bunch of YouTube videos about American history, somehow ended up watching, like, three hours of people unboxing LEGOs, which is weird 'cause I don't even like LEGOs.
What's wrong? They took Drazen.
- What? Who did? - Immigration.
What are you talking about? He has a green card.
Well, I guess he messed up something on his paperwork or something, and that's enough sometimes.
God, he was so bad at that crap.
This blows.
Can you call one of your city council people and at least figure out where they're holding him? I doubt it.
They're not gonna take my calls.
They haven't spoken to me in months.
Wait, I'm sorry, I I thought you said someone was going to help us.
I, uh, I did say that, um and, uh, and that was a lie and that was a crappy thing to do.
But, look, the the truth is, even if I had gotten through to them, politicians don't spend their days trying to figure out how to help people like you.
But Hakim and I had a wait, wait, wait.
Hakim and I had a great conversation last night.
We had a good talk.
I really want to help you.
Yeah, well, I don't think we need your help anymore.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
One billion dollars.
We got a deal? Please step to the shoulder.
What seems to be the problem, officer? If you watch it too much, it gets less funny, but then if you keep watching it, it comes all the way back around the other side and it gets really funny again.
Mal, you know those people I was helping? One of them got taken by ICE last night.
Can you believe that? I mean, that's awful, but, yeah, I can believe it.
Well, Drazen was doing everything right.
The guy had a green card.
It's messed up.
Yeah, it is, and it's been happening for years.
I mean, maybe you could've done something about it while you were in office instead of partying on Alec Baldwin's yacht.
It was Daniel Baldwin's catamaran.
- I wish it was Alec's yacht.
- Gross! You're right.
I'm a screwup, right? I should've just become a doctor like you and Mom and Dad and Falguni Auntie and Harendra Uncle and Bipin Uncle and You know what? I'd rather be a cliché than someone who's pretending to be Mr.
All-American.
"Oh, look at me, I'm a politician.
I played baseball.
" You know why I played baseball? 'Cause I was good at it.
And when kids saw that I was good, they didn't bully me anymore.
They didn't see me as different.
They accepted me.
[SPEAKING HINDI.]
[SPEAKING HINDI.]
Okay, so this guy got taken.
What are you gonna do about it? I mean, nothing.
What can I do about it? Of course.
Things got hard, and so you're bailing again.
So is that step three or step four of your five-step plan? [SIGHS.]
I'm Garrett Modi, and I'm running to be your next city councilor.
My parents moved to Sunnyside, Queens, with one dream: to raise their kids in the greatest country on Earth in the greatest city on Earth.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
New plan.
[UPBEAT HORN MUSIC.]
A-ha! I found you! Wait, before you say anything.
I'm sorry, okay? I really messed up.
I'm sorry for lying to you.
I'm sorry for being a dick.
Although, you know, lying about your credentials and putting your own happiness above other people really is one of the most American things you can do, so I guess that's another lesson you learned from me, and you're welcome.
But my point is, I want to make it up to you.
How many taxi cabs did you jump into before you found me? A lot.
There are a lot of really angry cab drivers out there.
So what do you say, man, help me get everybody back together? Let's go.
So we call this the Electoral College.
It's one college that does not have a football team.
Oh, what are you even talking about? Look, I told you, I'm more of a science guy.
Hey, guys.
Hi, I know you're really pissed at me, okay? But I think I can help you and Drazen.
- Will you come with me? - Oh, thank God.
- Bill Nye sucks.
- He's so boring.
Be less boring.
Hey, am I still gonna get paid? [UPBEAT HORN MUSIC.]
Hey, Brady.
Come with us.
We're getting the gang back together.
What? These aren't my glasses.
- I wear 'em as a joke.
- Come with us.
You guys cool with this? Hmm.
- Sweet.
- Great.
Now we just need to find Griselda.
I'm right here.
I'm almost on my lunch break.
Where are we going? - Hey.
- Oh, come on.
No, I want to apologize.
You know, I got to sit at that desk basically because I was good at talking.
I talked this city into electing me, and then I never did anything.
You're not gonna make that mistake.
You're obviously gonna be a way better city councilor than I ever was.
I mean, that's a pretty low bar.
Harsh but fair.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm sick of talking.
I want to start doing.
Their friend Drazen got taken by ICE last night.
Can you help us find him? I can try, but they don't allow anyone into those facilities.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Oh, also, President Lady, we need to get into a citizenship class.
- They're all booked.
- Actually, guys, that part I think I have covered.
You know, when you're born in America, you never really have to learn how lucky you are.
I don't want to take that for granted anymore.
If you'll have me as your teacher, I'll learn whatever I have to.
I'll help you with the paperwork.
I'll help you study.
I'll know the Constitution better than [EXHALES.]
The guy who wrote the Const - James Madison.
- James Madison.
I said it at the same time as you.
I'll be with you every step of the way, and we'll figure this thing out together.
Also, here's your money back, minus a couple of hundred in teaching expenses.
Shoes count as teaching expenses.
Can we come to you if we ever need any help navigating this process? Fine, but I'm only helping them.
Also, for your information, there were a lot of drugs left in your desk.
Those days are behind me.
You keep them.
I threw them away, you maniac.
C'mon, guys.
Here, this is used.
Do you have recycling? All right, can anybody tell me who Benjamin Franklin was? Ooh.
He's the guy on the hundred.
Those are my favorites.
Why does anyone use the other ones? - Okay, but what did he do? - He flew a kite in a storm, and that was smart, for some reason.
Yes, but that's not exactly what I'm looking for.
Ooh, is he Hamilton from Hamilton? - That's Hamilton.
- Are you sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure Benjamin Franklin isn't Hamilton.
Garrett, I've been in surgery all day.
You can't just let a bunch of strangers into my house.
Okay, rude.
First of all, it would only be illegal if we were soldiers and the government was forcing you to house us here.
That's a little thing I like to call the Third Amendment.
Boom.
Jun Ho, you learned something.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
I did.
I'm amazing.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS.]
Am I the smartest person here? What kind of surgery we talking about, arthroplasty, fasciectomy? - Who are you? - I'm Hakim.