Sunnyside (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Schnorf Town
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Yo, what are you drinking, chief? Grasshopper, Sex on the Beach, or can I convince you to get today's signature cocktail, the Brady? It's a big glass of vodka, a bunch of Skittles in there.
- Where's Griselda? - Wait, Griselda is the older woman.
Curly hair? Are you kidding me? She's sitting right there.
- I'm Hakim.
- Okay, Griselda.
- I doubt that.
- Have you bartended before? No, but I learned everything that I need to know by watching Brian Flanagan.
Seriously? Tom Cruise in "Cocktail.
" - His best movie.
- I don't know about that, man.
What about "Mission: Impossible," "Top Gun," "Far and Away"? Oh, I'm not allowed to like romance? Point is, what Brian Flanagan teaches us is that customers don't care about drinks.
What they want is a show.
Oh, I'm pretty sure people go to bars mainly to drink.
Why don't you just sit back, relax, - and enjoy the fireworks.
- [MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
"Cocktail"! Yeah, yeah! Table toss.
Here we go.
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Double toss! Spin move! It's all part of the show, folks.
Here we go.
[CLATTERING.]
Big toss! - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Something mixed.
Something dirty.
How about that? Here we go.
Oh-ho-ho! I got one! Whoo! Oh! It's all good, gang.
I just seemed to have nicked myself.
- Oh! - Whoa! [RETCHING.]
Oh, God.
- I barfed on my blood.
- [ALL GROANING.]
Ah, don't worry.
Back when I was a doctor, I used to stitch up cuts like this all the time.
- You okay? - Yeah.
No, I love remembering that we're all just bags of blood inside of soft meat.
You did that "Cocktail" thing again, didn't you? For the last time, you are no Brian Flanagan.
And that is the deepest cut of all.
- My God.
- What are you two doing together? Are you taking one of my students? Wasn't it enough that you took my job, my office, and all those stray Cheetos I left in that filing cabinet.
Didn't take the Cheetos, but the rats did.
So now we have a bunch of orange rats running around.
Thanks for that.
That's really cool.
You're welcome.
Actually I'm working on a bill to expand affordable housing in Queens, and Griselda is the perfect poster girl.
Our landlord's raising the rent again.
He's calling it a doorman building now, but he just put a hat on a homeless guy - who sleeps in the lobby.
- Yeah, prices are getting crazy.
I was just having the same conversation with 8 of my 12 roommates.
I've been trying to push the bill through the Council, but I'm not getting any traction.
So, Griselda and I will be appearing on "Queens Today" with Tripp Henson.
Hopefully, we drum up enough support to get the bill a vote.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Have you ever done cable news before? No, but how hard can it be? Cable news is survival of the fittest.
It's like you're walking into a lion's den, and all the lions want to rip your head off while David Attenborough's all, [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"It's just nature.
" Bullcrap, dude! You don't have to show us that stuff! - Cut to a bird! - I'll be fine.
I wrote a great bill.
The facts are on my side.
Facts, wow.
What is this, 2015? Trust me.
Cable news is my thing, okay? You know how many times I did "Queens Today" when I was in office? 302.
You know how many bills I read? Hmm, what? How many? - Zero.
That's right.
- That's not a brag.
I didn't keep getting reelected because I wrote bills good.
It was because I was really good at being on TV.
Let me help you.
That's what I do.
I help people now.
I think I can handle myself.
I did my high school's morning announcements.
Diana, no offense, but you are a smart, capable woman.
Why would I take offense to that? Because it's cable news! You don't want to seem smart! What are you, stupid? Let me help you.
This is my element.
Plus they have this insane deviled-egg platter in the green room.
- Sure, whatever.
- All right! We tape tomorrow morning.
You're not planning on wearing that outfit on TV, are you? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, Mei Lin, it's happening.
BOTH: Makeover! Makeover! Makeover! Makeover! Thank you, but I'm gonna pass.
BOTH: Big mistake.
Big mistake.
All done.
But, uh, I'd feel better if we followed up at the hospital.
Oh, yes.
A hospital? Yeah, 'cause I'm so rich, right? I definitely have insurance.
I also have a frame under my bed, and I have a bath towel that isn't an old t-shirt.
If you don't have insurance, what do you do when you get sick? My mom has a great Moldovan remedy.
It works on pretty much everything.
You dice up a red onion, throw that in a bowl, pinch of paprika, dunk whatever is bothering you inside.
Oh, in Ethiopia we have a similar thing, but we use antibiotics.
Oh, but I think I know someone who can help.
These stitches are really well done.
Although, you probably only needed to do five.
I was having so much fun, I added an extra three.
- You what? - Isn't closing wounds the best? Yeah, but personally, I prefer amputations.
There is nothing like when you've almost sawed all the way through a bone, and then you finally hit BOTH: That last little kachunk! [RETCHING.]
I need to go to the restroom.
It's too bad that you can't practice medicine in America.
You obviously love it.
I hope to one day.
I just started filling out applications for my residency.
Last week, I had a patient whose arm got caught in a wood chipper.
[GASPS.]
Pics or it didn't happen, huh? Ho-ho! No! Can you believe I reformed this mass of pulpy flesh into an arm? That's an arm? I thought that was chili! - [LAUGHS.]
- You're amazing! - Can I see that? - Yeah.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, my God.
You did that! [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Okay, when we see Tripp, let me butter him up.
Okay? We're tight.
He once accused me of being soft on crime, so I slashed his tires, now he respects me.
I'm following a cooking segment with Mr.
Met.
I think I'm gonna be okay.
I'm just here to talk about my bill, and to encourage people to call their reps.
- That's it.
- Your plan is to just be you? - Woof.
- This can't be! Garrett Modi, back in my studio? I'd thump your nuts to greet you, but I've been told repeatedly I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
Tripp the Party Dip, it's been too long, man.
Hey, I don't work here, so thunk! Uh, no! No, no, no, no! Still bad for everybody.
Guys anywhere can't do it.
- Really? - Yeah! Boy, have I missed you.
We sure made some TV magic together.
Remember when we judged that back-to-school fashion show, and you made that one kid cry? Don't dress like a skater if you can't skate.
- That kid was a poser.
- Yeah, that kid sucked.
- Yeah.
- Fun update - I'm dating his mom.
- [CHUCKLES.]
And you must be Councilwoman Barea, pleasure to meet you.
I can't wait to talk about this bill you're working on.
Affordable housing is so important.
Thank you for helping me get the word out.
Of course.
Gotta go lower the old hairline, if you know what I mean.
Catch you under the lights.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh, no, no, no.
- Didn't fall for it though.
- [ALL CHUCKLING.]
I'm really supposed to be scared of that guy? You guys, Griselda is dead.
- What? - Oh, my God! I'm sorry, um, Griselda's old look is dead.
Soon she will be reborn through the power of our Lord and Lady of Gaga.
We're gonna need, like, five minutes to do a glitter pass.
What are you going for? Divorced cop? [NEWS SHOW JINGLE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Welcome back, Tripp Nation, I'm pleased to be joined by Councilwoman Diana Barea, who has written a bill that will address the affordable housing crisis here in Queens.
- Diana, welcome.
- Thanks for having me.
Please tell us about your bill.
Well, Tripp, under the current law, developers only have to make 30% of their units affordable.
While 70% are sold as luxury Oh, no.
She's using math.
He hates math.
I hate math.
Everybody hates math.
Who's Math? Over the course of the next three years, we will work to increase that number Look, I've got a question.
Who's gonna pay for this? Oh, the city will help subsidize Oh, so I'm sorry.
So our tax dollars will pay for it.
Should I give you all my money now or send it straight to Moscow? This bill is going to help people.
People like my friend Griselda over here, who has to work multiple jobs just to afford living in her apartment.
This glowing goddess? It looks like she hasn't worked a day in her life.
That's what we were going for.
Tripp gets it.
No, the Councilwoman is right.
The rent in Queens is out of control.
Also this is not my diamond necklace.
Fight back.
Look, I'm I am trying to explain Trying, trying, trying.
How about you and your fat cat friends in Washington start doing? I'm not in Washington.
Well, maybe you should go back there because this city can't afford another government freebie.
Oh, I think the city can afford it! We could afford it when Wall Street needed another bailout.
We could afford it when a baseball team - needed a new stadium.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Do you have a problem with the Mets? I don't give a crap about the Mets! [ALL GASP.]
Wow.
I'd like to personally apologize to any children watching today for the councilwoman's disgusting, disgusting language.
Let's go to commercial.
[NEWS SHOW JINGLE.]
All right, that was good.
I think we got it.
I didn't mean I'm sorry! I don't hate the Mets! Okay, well, I can't exactly just get cancer.
Fine.
Bye, Grandma.
People are really mad.
They're actually making eye contact with me on the subway.
- It's unnerving.
- This can all be fixed, okay? You just need a little bit of media training.
Or just get your dad to buy the network, fire Tripp, hire a bunch of attractive women and angry talk radio guys, and become the number one cable news source for retired shut-ins.
- Do you both own Fox News? - I don't know.
Maybe.
Look, I know what I'm doing, okay? I'm not just the guy who gave Guy Fieri a working key to the city.
Yeah, people are finding him in places.
- He's using it.
- I like you.
You're a good person, but I need this bill to pass.
You've got to let Garrett transform you into the kind of horrible person that does well on these shows.
Hello.
Trash pickup? Yes, thank you.
Yes, let me help make you awful.
[ALL GASP.]
That's for Mike Piazza! Okay, I need your help.
No, it's a podcast where I teach people sign language.
Bojan, you're looking very strong and fertile today.
Thanks.
What a weird thing to say to someone.
Your mother said you cut your hand, but a doctor friend fixed it for free.
- Uh, yup.
That is me.
- You are Dr.
Taxicab? - Does my mole look weird? - [GROANS.]
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry, I'm not really allowed to practice medicine in America.
So? I don't have a liquor license, but I still drink at work.
I don't think that's what a liquor license is for.
You examine me, and your coffee's free.
Hakim, this poor guy needs your help, and he's willing to give us a bunch of free crap if you just take a look.
I don't think it's that far of a a stretch to really, you know, get in there and help this guy out.
30 free scratch-off tickets, please.
Okay, let me see.
Good news, it's, uh, not cancer.
It seems you just feel asleep on a jellybean.
Ah, that's where it went.
No.
God! Cable news is all about negativity, screaming matches, and fearmongering.
It's the single biggest reason we're all scared to open those email forwards from our parents.
It's true.
My mom tried to convince me that Chuck Schumer is just a skin suit full of bugs.
Now your problem is that you view an interview as a conversation.
- Right.
- No, that's wrong.
You need to view an interview like a fight, okay? You're Solange, he's Jay-Z, and you're running into that elevator.
Uh, who's Solange? - How did you get elected? - [PANTING.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
She can't hurt you now, okay? If you want your bill to get heard, you have to be louder, meaner, and more condescending than anyone else in that studio.
- You wanna try it? - I'll give it a shot.
Good Morning, Queens.
I'm Tripp Henson.
Councilwoman, would you say that you hate the Mets more than you hate America? Or do you hate the Mets because you hate America? I reject that question.
It's silly.
You are a silly man.
No, timeout.
Silly? This is Tripp Henson we're talking about.
You gotta go for the jugular! Get personal.
I did some research.
I found out that his son is the only white kid in an all-Asian dance crew.
- You can use that.
- I'm not gonna use that.
How about, um Tripp, if you were a legitimate journalist Whoa! That's racist! What? No, I Are you just going to interrupt me every time I talk? Yes, that's how Tripp operates.
If he tries to cut you off, you just say, "Can I finish?" Fine.
My bill will expand - affordable housing for - I don't think so, Councilwoman.
- Can I finish? - Well, I'm talking right now.
- So can I finish? - You can finish when I finish.
- Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - When does this end? It just did and you lost! You always have to get the last word in.
You know what? Forget it.
I give up.
Clearly I'm not cut out for whatever this is.
You are the one who's good on TV.
I will stick to what I'm good at writing bills that improve the lives of my constituents, and I'm just going to trust that the public is smart enough to understand that.
Did she just say she's gonna trust the public? You can't trust the public.
They once voted Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive.
He's not even the sexiest Blake alive.
BOTH: It's Blake Lively.
So what can Dr.
Taxicab do for you? I had an accident while ironing.
No, God.
I'm just gonna put down "gross arm.
" This should clear up in a week or so, just pick up some aloe vera in aisle two, huh? Thanks, Doc.
All right, three more patients and then it's lunch.
We got "big scab," "nasty toe," and "wet neck.
" I don't know if we should be seeing this many patients.
How is word spreading this quickly? I may have posted a little somethin'-somethin' about it.
We got, like, 80 likes.
Oh, sick! One of them is from this really sexy woman named Natashaxxx98, and she thinks I'm hot? Ha, yeah! Accept.
Oh, my gosh.
She's calling right now.
Okay.
[SHUSHING.]
Yeah, hello? Yeah, it's Brady.
Uh-huh.
It's my bank.
Massive fraud.
They got everything.
- Yo.
- Garrett Modi? Twice in one week? Aren't you a sight for sore eyes, and these eyes are sore.
Just had them whitened.
Well, listen, man, I've got to say, I think you were a little unfair - to Diana yesterday.
- Oh, really? She's the one who should apologize to Mr.
Met.
He's not eating and refuses to take off the costume.
All right, yeah, sure, she made a mistake, but I need you to do me a favor.
Have her back on the show and go easy on her.
Oh, I see what's going on here.
You're trying to get a little [MIMICS HORN NOISES.]
Honk-honk, ah-whoo-ga.
Schnorf! No, man, and eww.
What was that last one? I don't know.
I've never gotten that far.
Look, man, her bill will help a lot of people in the neighborhood, and I support it.
There might be a spot open tonight.
We were gonna have this cat on that can play the saxophone, but we found some of his old tweets, and he's no longer welcome on the show.
- Thanks, man.
- Also if you're not going to Schnorf Town with Diana, can I have her number? I'm breaking up with the skater kid's mom tonight.
It's her 40th birthday, so you know.
[RIGID LAUGHTER.]
Yeah.
Well, I fixed everything.
Tripp's gonna have you back on, and he's gonna give your bill a fair shot.
Where are you all taking me to celebrate? Back to Councilwoman Barea's affordable housing bill.
You won't believe who crawled out of the gutter to throw his weight behind it.
Garrett Modi, last seen barfing his guts all over the BQE, has voiced his unconditional support of the kooky Councilwoman's bill.
Who will defend her next? Notorious bug-person Chuck Schumer? With supporters like these, it's no surprise this bill's future looks bleaker than my son's dance competitions.
Up next, Mr.
Met on suicide watch.
[TV SHUTS OFF.]
See? Fixed it.
What were you thinking? I thought it would be helpful, and it's the thought that counts, s so you can't be mad at me.
I didn't ask for your help.
Now my bill has your puke all over it.
It's not that bad, okay? People are gonna forget about this in a couple of months when they move onto the next embarrassing thing.
You're not gonna believe what Saxophone Cat tweeted about vaccines.
People like me can't afford to wait a few months.
Unlike you, I can't move in with my sister.
You know those hoarders? My sister is one of them, but with lizards.
I should have never gone on Tripp's show in the first place.
Now my bill is gonna die because of some guy who was very clearly wearing lash extensions.
This is just how the game works.
Well, the game is stupid.
The bill should be all that matters.
How are you this naive? People don't vote for the bill.
They vote for the person.
I know, you big-headed, useless, egg-eating bitch! - Sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
Don't be sorry.
That was really cool.
It was.
We've got to get back on that show.
Why would we do that? You said it yourself, these shows feed off negativity.
He's just going to attack us no matter what.
Not if we give him exactly what he wants.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Okay, you're all set.
But again, I urge you.
Stop using the onion bowl.
It cannot cure diabetes, huh? - Next.
- Hakim? Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing.
I know this looks bad.
That's it.
That's the end of my sentence.
Hakim, this is very irresponsible.
Okay, I know what I'm doing isn't technically legal, but I I'm only treating minor ailments.
Everything is under control.
Uh, guys, a pregnant woman just came in, and then just, like, a bunch of water - just fell out of her body.
- Okay, did you see a mucus plug? - Why would you ask me that? - Okay, things are no longer under control! Okay, we need to take her to an actual hospital.
Hakim, go get your cab.
Brady, go get some towels.
- Yeah, you bet! - Just breathe.
[GRUNTS, CLATTERING.]
Guys, I'm in it! I'm in the body water! Oh, God! Oh, back for more, eh? Like the lady I pay to tie me up every weekend says, "You're addicted to pain.
Now put on this diaper.
" Don't know why you felt the need to include that last part, but I gotta give it up, man.
- You got me good.
- Oh, yeah, sorry about that blindside, but you know how the game works.
I call it my Tripp Trap! I love when guys refer to themselves in the third person, and the finger guns make it extra special.
Aw, thank you.
Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Now excuse me, I gotta go "get ready.
" I'm talking about Botox.
Are you sure you wanna do this? Yes, it's the least I can do, but show no mercy, okay? [SIGHS.]
- [NEWS ROOM JINGLE.]
- You'll recognize our next guests from me publicly humiliating them.
Two of New York City's worst people, Councilwoman Diana Barea and her biggest fan, former Councilman Garrett Modi.
Let me cut you off right there, Tripp.
Do you honestly think I would ask Garrett Modi for his endorsement? The guy's a joke.
His single greatest achievement was getting Joe Pesci to cut the ribbon at a Starbucks opening.
It was a Joe Pesci lookalike.
That is so sad! I think it's pretty safe to say I do not need this big-headed, useless, egg-eating bitch to help me pass my bill.
Now I do like people calling each other bitches, but you said some pretty unforgivable stuff - about the Mets that has - Can I finish? - No, hold on! - Can I finish? - I got something to say - Can I finish? Can I finish? Forgive me for not being overly enthusiastic about a team that's been mismanaged for years.
So maybe take your misguided anger toward me and tell the Wilpons to get Pete Alonso some lineup protection.
Now what we should all be really angry about is the fact that right now our friends and family are being priced out of neighborhoods they grew up in.
- Amen.
- Ah, zip it, puker.
I wrote a bill.
It's going to do a lot of good.
Read it.
And if you like it, call your councilmember and tell them to support it.
Oh, and also, stop getting your news from shows like this.
They are literally making us all dumber.
She's not wrong.
They've done these studies Let's go to commercial.
[NEWS ROOM JINGLE.]
That was a hoot! You sitting there like a big, dumb idiot while she just wails on you.
Now that's what I call journalism, baby! - I truly hate you.
- There's that fire! Diana, you are welcome back anytime.
A star is born.
[BREATHY CHUCKLING.]
- You were awesome! - Ooh! Oh, you were rude, you were abrasive.
You didn't let anyone else get a word in.
You were so much worse than I ever could've imagined.
I guess I just needed the right muse.
I mean, you were a horrible politician.
Lazy, self-absorbed.
The bathroom at Council is covered in graffiti - about how lame you are.
- The cameras are off now, so you know.
Thank you for the help.
You actually are pretty good at this stuff.
Always happy to help.
Right.
Next I have a print interview.
Oof, I always try to avoid those.
You know, print journalism is totally different from TV.
You have to answer the actual questions the reporters ask.
It's wild.
- As opposed to? - "Queens Today.
" [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
I forgot how cool it is to see a live birth in person.
I I was this close to the crowning.
It is just amazing how such a tiny baby can absolutely wreck a vagina.
[CHUCKLES.]
So many fluids.
So many smells.
Whose poop was it? Sorry about the clinic, but it was nice, just for a moment, to be reminded of how many weird rashes there are in the world.
You're gonna be a doctor again one day, and I would be happy to write your recommendation for your residency when it's time.
Thanks.
But to tide you over until then, I am texting you a picture of a hand that got caught in an industrial blender.
- Get out! - [TEXT CHIME.]
Oh! What? Why would you send me this? Take me off this thread! Well, we did it.
They are going to put my bill to the floor for a vote.
I'm sure it'll pass.
It's a great bill.
Especially the part about lowering the income requirement for veterans.
Wow, you actually read the whole thing.
There's hope for you yet.
Wasn't even that hard.
I only feel asleep like twice.
I probably should've read some more bills while I was in office.
- You can still read bills, you know.
- What are you, insane? We're in the golden age of television.
And Griselda, if it passes, maybe you can quit a few of your jobs.
Or I could keep all them all, save up enough money to buy the building, and then jack up the rent on all those poor losers.
And that's the American dream.
Everybody, zip it! Stop! Stop talking! Zip it! Stop talking! Shut up, everybody! Stop, okay? You've got to turn on "Queens Today" now! According to sources inside the White House, the president is considering Someone finally took our fashion advice.
We're calling this Sexy Gollum, and you'll all be dressing like this in two years.
Both sides on the hill Honestly, he's making it work.
Yo, what are you drinking, chief? Grasshopper, Sex on the Beach, or can I convince you to get today's signature cocktail, the Brady? It's a big glass of vodka, a bunch of Skittles in there.
- Where's Griselda? - Wait, Griselda is the older woman.
Curly hair? Are you kidding me? She's sitting right there.
- I'm Hakim.
- Okay, Griselda.
- I doubt that.
- Have you bartended before? No, but I learned everything that I need to know by watching Brian Flanagan.
Seriously? Tom Cruise in "Cocktail.
" - His best movie.
- I don't know about that, man.
What about "Mission: Impossible," "Top Gun," "Far and Away"? Oh, I'm not allowed to like romance? Point is, what Brian Flanagan teaches us is that customers don't care about drinks.
What they want is a show.
Oh, I'm pretty sure people go to bars mainly to drink.
Why don't you just sit back, relax, - and enjoy the fireworks.
- [MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
"Cocktail"! Yeah, yeah! Table toss.
Here we go.
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Double toss! Spin move! It's all part of the show, folks.
Here we go.
[CLATTERING.]
Big toss! - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Something mixed.
Something dirty.
How about that? Here we go.
Oh-ho-ho! I got one! Whoo! Oh! It's all good, gang.
I just seemed to have nicked myself.
- Oh! - Whoa! [RETCHING.]
Oh, God.
- I barfed on my blood.
- [ALL GROANING.]
Ah, don't worry.
Back when I was a doctor, I used to stitch up cuts like this all the time.
- You okay? - Yeah.
No, I love remembering that we're all just bags of blood inside of soft meat.
You did that "Cocktail" thing again, didn't you? For the last time, you are no Brian Flanagan.
And that is the deepest cut of all.
- My God.
- What are you two doing together? Are you taking one of my students? Wasn't it enough that you took my job, my office, and all those stray Cheetos I left in that filing cabinet.
Didn't take the Cheetos, but the rats did.
So now we have a bunch of orange rats running around.
Thanks for that.
That's really cool.
You're welcome.
Actually I'm working on a bill to expand affordable housing in Queens, and Griselda is the perfect poster girl.
Our landlord's raising the rent again.
He's calling it a doorman building now, but he just put a hat on a homeless guy - who sleeps in the lobby.
- Yeah, prices are getting crazy.
I was just having the same conversation with 8 of my 12 roommates.
I've been trying to push the bill through the Council, but I'm not getting any traction.
So, Griselda and I will be appearing on "Queens Today" with Tripp Henson.
Hopefully, we drum up enough support to get the bill a vote.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Have you ever done cable news before? No, but how hard can it be? Cable news is survival of the fittest.
It's like you're walking into a lion's den, and all the lions want to rip your head off while David Attenborough's all, [BRITISH ACCENT.]
"It's just nature.
" Bullcrap, dude! You don't have to show us that stuff! - Cut to a bird! - I'll be fine.
I wrote a great bill.
The facts are on my side.
Facts, wow.
What is this, 2015? Trust me.
Cable news is my thing, okay? You know how many times I did "Queens Today" when I was in office? 302.
You know how many bills I read? Hmm, what? How many? - Zero.
That's right.
- That's not a brag.
I didn't keep getting reelected because I wrote bills good.
It was because I was really good at being on TV.
Let me help you.
That's what I do.
I help people now.
I think I can handle myself.
I did my high school's morning announcements.
Diana, no offense, but you are a smart, capable woman.
Why would I take offense to that? Because it's cable news! You don't want to seem smart! What are you, stupid? Let me help you.
This is my element.
Plus they have this insane deviled-egg platter in the green room.
- Sure, whatever.
- All right! We tape tomorrow morning.
You're not planning on wearing that outfit on TV, are you? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, Mei Lin, it's happening.
BOTH: Makeover! Makeover! Makeover! Makeover! Thank you, but I'm gonna pass.
BOTH: Big mistake.
Big mistake.
All done.
But, uh, I'd feel better if we followed up at the hospital.
Oh, yes.
A hospital? Yeah, 'cause I'm so rich, right? I definitely have insurance.
I also have a frame under my bed, and I have a bath towel that isn't an old t-shirt.
If you don't have insurance, what do you do when you get sick? My mom has a great Moldovan remedy.
It works on pretty much everything.
You dice up a red onion, throw that in a bowl, pinch of paprika, dunk whatever is bothering you inside.
Oh, in Ethiopia we have a similar thing, but we use antibiotics.
Oh, but I think I know someone who can help.
These stitches are really well done.
Although, you probably only needed to do five.
I was having so much fun, I added an extra three.
- You what? - Isn't closing wounds the best? Yeah, but personally, I prefer amputations.
There is nothing like when you've almost sawed all the way through a bone, and then you finally hit BOTH: That last little kachunk! [RETCHING.]
I need to go to the restroom.
It's too bad that you can't practice medicine in America.
You obviously love it.
I hope to one day.
I just started filling out applications for my residency.
Last week, I had a patient whose arm got caught in a wood chipper.
[GASPS.]
Pics or it didn't happen, huh? Ho-ho! No! Can you believe I reformed this mass of pulpy flesh into an arm? That's an arm? I thought that was chili! - [LAUGHS.]
- You're amazing! - Can I see that? - Yeah.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, my God.
You did that! [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Okay, when we see Tripp, let me butter him up.
Okay? We're tight.
He once accused me of being soft on crime, so I slashed his tires, now he respects me.
I'm following a cooking segment with Mr.
Met.
I think I'm gonna be okay.
I'm just here to talk about my bill, and to encourage people to call their reps.
- That's it.
- Your plan is to just be you? - Woof.
- This can't be! Garrett Modi, back in my studio? I'd thump your nuts to greet you, but I've been told repeatedly I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
Tripp the Party Dip, it's been too long, man.
Hey, I don't work here, so thunk! Uh, no! No, no, no, no! Still bad for everybody.
Guys anywhere can't do it.
- Really? - Yeah! Boy, have I missed you.
We sure made some TV magic together.
Remember when we judged that back-to-school fashion show, and you made that one kid cry? Don't dress like a skater if you can't skate.
- That kid was a poser.
- Yeah, that kid sucked.
- Yeah.
- Fun update - I'm dating his mom.
- [CHUCKLES.]
And you must be Councilwoman Barea, pleasure to meet you.
I can't wait to talk about this bill you're working on.
Affordable housing is so important.
Thank you for helping me get the word out.
Of course.
Gotta go lower the old hairline, if you know what I mean.
Catch you under the lights.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh, no, no, no.
- Didn't fall for it though.
- [ALL CHUCKLING.]
I'm really supposed to be scared of that guy? You guys, Griselda is dead.
- What? - Oh, my God! I'm sorry, um, Griselda's old look is dead.
Soon she will be reborn through the power of our Lord and Lady of Gaga.
We're gonna need, like, five minutes to do a glitter pass.
What are you going for? Divorced cop? [NEWS SHOW JINGLE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Welcome back, Tripp Nation, I'm pleased to be joined by Councilwoman Diana Barea, who has written a bill that will address the affordable housing crisis here in Queens.
- Diana, welcome.
- Thanks for having me.
Please tell us about your bill.
Well, Tripp, under the current law, developers only have to make 30% of their units affordable.
While 70% are sold as luxury Oh, no.
She's using math.
He hates math.
I hate math.
Everybody hates math.
Who's Math? Over the course of the next three years, we will work to increase that number Look, I've got a question.
Who's gonna pay for this? Oh, the city will help subsidize Oh, so I'm sorry.
So our tax dollars will pay for it.
Should I give you all my money now or send it straight to Moscow? This bill is going to help people.
People like my friend Griselda over here, who has to work multiple jobs just to afford living in her apartment.
This glowing goddess? It looks like she hasn't worked a day in her life.
That's what we were going for.
Tripp gets it.
No, the Councilwoman is right.
The rent in Queens is out of control.
Also this is not my diamond necklace.
Fight back.
Look, I'm I am trying to explain Trying, trying, trying.
How about you and your fat cat friends in Washington start doing? I'm not in Washington.
Well, maybe you should go back there because this city can't afford another government freebie.
Oh, I think the city can afford it! We could afford it when Wall Street needed another bailout.
We could afford it when a baseball team - needed a new stadium.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Do you have a problem with the Mets? I don't give a crap about the Mets! [ALL GASP.]
Wow.
I'd like to personally apologize to any children watching today for the councilwoman's disgusting, disgusting language.
Let's go to commercial.
[NEWS SHOW JINGLE.]
All right, that was good.
I think we got it.
I didn't mean I'm sorry! I don't hate the Mets! Okay, well, I can't exactly just get cancer.
Fine.
Bye, Grandma.
People are really mad.
They're actually making eye contact with me on the subway.
- It's unnerving.
- This can all be fixed, okay? You just need a little bit of media training.
Or just get your dad to buy the network, fire Tripp, hire a bunch of attractive women and angry talk radio guys, and become the number one cable news source for retired shut-ins.
- Do you both own Fox News? - I don't know.
Maybe.
Look, I know what I'm doing, okay? I'm not just the guy who gave Guy Fieri a working key to the city.
Yeah, people are finding him in places.
- He's using it.
- I like you.
You're a good person, but I need this bill to pass.
You've got to let Garrett transform you into the kind of horrible person that does well on these shows.
Hello.
Trash pickup? Yes, thank you.
Yes, let me help make you awful.
[ALL GASP.]
That's for Mike Piazza! Okay, I need your help.
No, it's a podcast where I teach people sign language.
Bojan, you're looking very strong and fertile today.
Thanks.
What a weird thing to say to someone.
Your mother said you cut your hand, but a doctor friend fixed it for free.
- Uh, yup.
That is me.
- You are Dr.
Taxicab? - Does my mole look weird? - [GROANS.]
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry, I'm not really allowed to practice medicine in America.
So? I don't have a liquor license, but I still drink at work.
I don't think that's what a liquor license is for.
You examine me, and your coffee's free.
Hakim, this poor guy needs your help, and he's willing to give us a bunch of free crap if you just take a look.
I don't think it's that far of a a stretch to really, you know, get in there and help this guy out.
30 free scratch-off tickets, please.
Okay, let me see.
Good news, it's, uh, not cancer.
It seems you just feel asleep on a jellybean.
Ah, that's where it went.
No.
God! Cable news is all about negativity, screaming matches, and fearmongering.
It's the single biggest reason we're all scared to open those email forwards from our parents.
It's true.
My mom tried to convince me that Chuck Schumer is just a skin suit full of bugs.
Now your problem is that you view an interview as a conversation.
- Right.
- No, that's wrong.
You need to view an interview like a fight, okay? You're Solange, he's Jay-Z, and you're running into that elevator.
Uh, who's Solange? - How did you get elected? - [PANTING.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
She can't hurt you now, okay? If you want your bill to get heard, you have to be louder, meaner, and more condescending than anyone else in that studio.
- You wanna try it? - I'll give it a shot.
Good Morning, Queens.
I'm Tripp Henson.
Councilwoman, would you say that you hate the Mets more than you hate America? Or do you hate the Mets because you hate America? I reject that question.
It's silly.
You are a silly man.
No, timeout.
Silly? This is Tripp Henson we're talking about.
You gotta go for the jugular! Get personal.
I did some research.
I found out that his son is the only white kid in an all-Asian dance crew.
- You can use that.
- I'm not gonna use that.
How about, um Tripp, if you were a legitimate journalist Whoa! That's racist! What? No, I Are you just going to interrupt me every time I talk? Yes, that's how Tripp operates.
If he tries to cut you off, you just say, "Can I finish?" Fine.
My bill will expand - affordable housing for - I don't think so, Councilwoman.
- Can I finish? - Well, I'm talking right now.
- So can I finish? - You can finish when I finish.
- Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - Can I finish? - When does this end? It just did and you lost! You always have to get the last word in.
You know what? Forget it.
I give up.
Clearly I'm not cut out for whatever this is.
You are the one who's good on TV.
I will stick to what I'm good at writing bills that improve the lives of my constituents, and I'm just going to trust that the public is smart enough to understand that.
Did she just say she's gonna trust the public? You can't trust the public.
They once voted Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive.
He's not even the sexiest Blake alive.
BOTH: It's Blake Lively.
So what can Dr.
Taxicab do for you? I had an accident while ironing.
No, God.
I'm just gonna put down "gross arm.
" This should clear up in a week or so, just pick up some aloe vera in aisle two, huh? Thanks, Doc.
All right, three more patients and then it's lunch.
We got "big scab," "nasty toe," and "wet neck.
" I don't know if we should be seeing this many patients.
How is word spreading this quickly? I may have posted a little somethin'-somethin' about it.
We got, like, 80 likes.
Oh, sick! One of them is from this really sexy woman named Natashaxxx98, and she thinks I'm hot? Ha, yeah! Accept.
Oh, my gosh.
She's calling right now.
Okay.
[SHUSHING.]
Yeah, hello? Yeah, it's Brady.
Uh-huh.
It's my bank.
Massive fraud.
They got everything.
- Yo.
- Garrett Modi? Twice in one week? Aren't you a sight for sore eyes, and these eyes are sore.
Just had them whitened.
Well, listen, man, I've got to say, I think you were a little unfair - to Diana yesterday.
- Oh, really? She's the one who should apologize to Mr.
Met.
He's not eating and refuses to take off the costume.
All right, yeah, sure, she made a mistake, but I need you to do me a favor.
Have her back on the show and go easy on her.
Oh, I see what's going on here.
You're trying to get a little [MIMICS HORN NOISES.]
Honk-honk, ah-whoo-ga.
Schnorf! No, man, and eww.
What was that last one? I don't know.
I've never gotten that far.
Look, man, her bill will help a lot of people in the neighborhood, and I support it.
There might be a spot open tonight.
We were gonna have this cat on that can play the saxophone, but we found some of his old tweets, and he's no longer welcome on the show.
- Thanks, man.
- Also if you're not going to Schnorf Town with Diana, can I have her number? I'm breaking up with the skater kid's mom tonight.
It's her 40th birthday, so you know.
[RIGID LAUGHTER.]
Yeah.
Well, I fixed everything.
Tripp's gonna have you back on, and he's gonna give your bill a fair shot.
Where are you all taking me to celebrate? Back to Councilwoman Barea's affordable housing bill.
You won't believe who crawled out of the gutter to throw his weight behind it.
Garrett Modi, last seen barfing his guts all over the BQE, has voiced his unconditional support of the kooky Councilwoman's bill.
Who will defend her next? Notorious bug-person Chuck Schumer? With supporters like these, it's no surprise this bill's future looks bleaker than my son's dance competitions.
Up next, Mr.
Met on suicide watch.
[TV SHUTS OFF.]
See? Fixed it.
What were you thinking? I thought it would be helpful, and it's the thought that counts, s so you can't be mad at me.
I didn't ask for your help.
Now my bill has your puke all over it.
It's not that bad, okay? People are gonna forget about this in a couple of months when they move onto the next embarrassing thing.
You're not gonna believe what Saxophone Cat tweeted about vaccines.
People like me can't afford to wait a few months.
Unlike you, I can't move in with my sister.
You know those hoarders? My sister is one of them, but with lizards.
I should have never gone on Tripp's show in the first place.
Now my bill is gonna die because of some guy who was very clearly wearing lash extensions.
This is just how the game works.
Well, the game is stupid.
The bill should be all that matters.
How are you this naive? People don't vote for the bill.
They vote for the person.
I know, you big-headed, useless, egg-eating bitch! - Sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
Don't be sorry.
That was really cool.
It was.
We've got to get back on that show.
Why would we do that? You said it yourself, these shows feed off negativity.
He's just going to attack us no matter what.
Not if we give him exactly what he wants.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Okay, you're all set.
But again, I urge you.
Stop using the onion bowl.
It cannot cure diabetes, huh? - Next.
- Hakim? Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing.
I know this looks bad.
That's it.
That's the end of my sentence.
Hakim, this is very irresponsible.
Okay, I know what I'm doing isn't technically legal, but I I'm only treating minor ailments.
Everything is under control.
Uh, guys, a pregnant woman just came in, and then just, like, a bunch of water - just fell out of her body.
- Okay, did you see a mucus plug? - Why would you ask me that? - Okay, things are no longer under control! Okay, we need to take her to an actual hospital.
Hakim, go get your cab.
Brady, go get some towels.
- Yeah, you bet! - Just breathe.
[GRUNTS, CLATTERING.]
Guys, I'm in it! I'm in the body water! Oh, God! Oh, back for more, eh? Like the lady I pay to tie me up every weekend says, "You're addicted to pain.
Now put on this diaper.
" Don't know why you felt the need to include that last part, but I gotta give it up, man.
- You got me good.
- Oh, yeah, sorry about that blindside, but you know how the game works.
I call it my Tripp Trap! I love when guys refer to themselves in the third person, and the finger guns make it extra special.
Aw, thank you.
Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Now excuse me, I gotta go "get ready.
" I'm talking about Botox.
Are you sure you wanna do this? Yes, it's the least I can do, but show no mercy, okay? [SIGHS.]
- [NEWS ROOM JINGLE.]
- You'll recognize our next guests from me publicly humiliating them.
Two of New York City's worst people, Councilwoman Diana Barea and her biggest fan, former Councilman Garrett Modi.
Let me cut you off right there, Tripp.
Do you honestly think I would ask Garrett Modi for his endorsement? The guy's a joke.
His single greatest achievement was getting Joe Pesci to cut the ribbon at a Starbucks opening.
It was a Joe Pesci lookalike.
That is so sad! I think it's pretty safe to say I do not need this big-headed, useless, egg-eating bitch to help me pass my bill.
Now I do like people calling each other bitches, but you said some pretty unforgivable stuff - about the Mets that has - Can I finish? - No, hold on! - Can I finish? - I got something to say - Can I finish? Can I finish? Forgive me for not being overly enthusiastic about a team that's been mismanaged for years.
So maybe take your misguided anger toward me and tell the Wilpons to get Pete Alonso some lineup protection.
Now what we should all be really angry about is the fact that right now our friends and family are being priced out of neighborhoods they grew up in.
- Amen.
- Ah, zip it, puker.
I wrote a bill.
It's going to do a lot of good.
Read it.
And if you like it, call your councilmember and tell them to support it.
Oh, and also, stop getting your news from shows like this.
They are literally making us all dumber.
She's not wrong.
They've done these studies Let's go to commercial.
[NEWS ROOM JINGLE.]
That was a hoot! You sitting there like a big, dumb idiot while she just wails on you.
Now that's what I call journalism, baby! - I truly hate you.
- There's that fire! Diana, you are welcome back anytime.
A star is born.
[BREATHY CHUCKLING.]
- You were awesome! - Ooh! Oh, you were rude, you were abrasive.
You didn't let anyone else get a word in.
You were so much worse than I ever could've imagined.
I guess I just needed the right muse.
I mean, you were a horrible politician.
Lazy, self-absorbed.
The bathroom at Council is covered in graffiti - about how lame you are.
- The cameras are off now, so you know.
Thank you for the help.
You actually are pretty good at this stuff.
Always happy to help.
Right.
Next I have a print interview.
Oof, I always try to avoid those.
You know, print journalism is totally different from TV.
You have to answer the actual questions the reporters ask.
It's wild.
- As opposed to? - "Queens Today.
" [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
I forgot how cool it is to see a live birth in person.
I I was this close to the crowning.
It is just amazing how such a tiny baby can absolutely wreck a vagina.
[CHUCKLES.]
So many fluids.
So many smells.
Whose poop was it? Sorry about the clinic, but it was nice, just for a moment, to be reminded of how many weird rashes there are in the world.
You're gonna be a doctor again one day, and I would be happy to write your recommendation for your residency when it's time.
Thanks.
But to tide you over until then, I am texting you a picture of a hand that got caught in an industrial blender.
- Get out! - [TEXT CHIME.]
Oh! What? Why would you send me this? Take me off this thread! Well, we did it.
They are going to put my bill to the floor for a vote.
I'm sure it'll pass.
It's a great bill.
Especially the part about lowering the income requirement for veterans.
Wow, you actually read the whole thing.
There's hope for you yet.
Wasn't even that hard.
I only feel asleep like twice.
I probably should've read some more bills while I was in office.
- You can still read bills, you know.
- What are you, insane? We're in the golden age of television.
And Griselda, if it passes, maybe you can quit a few of your jobs.
Or I could keep all them all, save up enough money to buy the building, and then jack up the rent on all those poor losers.
And that's the American dream.
Everybody, zip it! Stop! Stop talking! Zip it! Stop talking! Shut up, everybody! Stop, okay? You've got to turn on "Queens Today" now! According to sources inside the White House, the president is considering Someone finally took our fashion advice.
We're calling this Sexy Gollum, and you'll all be dressing like this in two years.
Both sides on the hill Honestly, he's making it work.