Superior Donuts (2017) s02e15 Episode Script

The Chicago Way

1 Oh, thank God you're relaxing your policy on drinking in the shop.
(stammers) That's a no.
Forget you ever saw this.
No, no, the health inspector is coming today and every year, we do a little gift exchange.
I give him a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch and he gives me a passing grade on my inspection.
Uh, that's an expensive-looking bribe.
How unsanitary is the kitchen? No, no, no, no.
The kitchen's fine, but they just keep putting in these picky regulations that have nothing to do with health.
So, I'm spending 200 and saving 2,000 on repairs.
The Chicago way, baby.
Anyway, I'm gonna leave this bottle here in case I'm out when, uh, Phil comes by.
No, not-not leave me out of that stupid-ass bribe.
Why? How come? 'Cause these things always end bad.
My pops used to make me run a wire through the light pole to get free electricity.
That explains the hair.
So, when the people from the city came to bust him, he made me take the blame for it, and they took me in for questioning and scared the hell out of me.
Bright side is dude in holding gave me my first joint.
Well, look, you know, I don't make the system.
I'm just trying to survive here.
But the regulations are there for a reason.
If you don't follow them, you end up with the drinking water in Flint, Michigan.
Nobody drinks it.
It's just called water now.
FAWZ: Well, I'm with Arthur.
Regulations are killing business, like with dry-cleaning chemicals.
You take the good with the bad.
A crisp, clean shirt, some unexplained blindness.
Well, aside from you two criminals, there are plenty of people who follow the rules.
Like me.
I spent all weekend scrubbing every part of my dirty grill.
Oh, stop it.
That's not a metaphor.
It is now.
Hey, everybody.
Guess what? I passed my exam.
I am officially a detective.
(all cheering) - Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Randy, that's amazing.
Yes, let's celebrate.
Tush, it's 10:00 in the morning.
Forget you ever saw this.
Now I just have to wait and find out what neighborhood I'm assigned to.
There's some pretty plum ones, - like the Gold Coast.
- Mm-hmm.
And then there are the armpits of the city.
You mean there are worse assignments than Uptown? No, I meant Uptown.
But hopefully I don't have to worry about it.
I have this colleague who's gonna help me get an assignment that's not so murder-y.
You want a bottle of bourbon to grease the wheels? 'Cause I guess that's how things work around here now.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's, uh, that's Scotch.
The bourbon's for the building inspector.
I'm looking for an Arthur Prizzy Prizby Arthur? That's me! - Can I help you? - I'm Irene from the Health Department.
I'm here to do the inspection.
Uh, where's Phil? Phil's taking a leave of absence.
It's private.
Well, he's in a facility in Minnesota.
It's Hazelton.
I shouldn't say any more.
It's rehab for booze.
Yes, I know.
I got it.
I got it.
Hear that, Arty? Old Phil's gone.
So, Irene, you want to get to your inspection? The kitchen's this way.
Hold on, hold on, uh, hold on.
You know, when Phil was here, we'd kind of ease into all that and, uh, you know, have a little small talk.
(chuckles) Catch up on his, uh, Scottish friend.
Are you friendly with the, uh, Scottish? So, Irene, the kitchen's this way.
If a sprinkle starts moving, it's not a sprinkle.
ARTHUR: Oh, hey, uh, fine.
You-you don't care about the Scottish people? How do you feel about the 18-year-olds? Is that how old the coffeemaker is? (laughs) That came off as a joke because I struggle with tone.
But if the coffeemaker is any indication, the kitchen is going to be quite an adventure.
Here we go.
Oh, what the hell, kid? I thought you were on my side.
There's a lot of stuff around here that needs fixing.
All right? And this is the only way you're gonna do it.
Yeah, we all need to follow the rules.
Oh, that reminds me.
I have to go hose down my grease trap.
I bet she does.
(laughs) Oh, grow up.
Oh, boy, that inspector lady's writing a lot of stuff on that clipboard.
Well, if you need to burn the place down, I know a guy who can arrange for oily rags near a water heater for a bottle of ouzo and a leg of lamb.
I'll type up my report - and get it to you tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm.
I would fax it, but your fax machine is broken, which isn't really a health inspector thing, but you should get it fixed.
Nah, fixing stuff is overrated.
My left hip's been clicking for 20 years.
Sounds like I got a woodpecker in my pocket.
But it still gets the job done.
I have no depth perception in this eye.
Why am I telling you this? Shut up, Irene.
She's an odd duck.
We're gonna have to fix a lot of stuff if we don't figure out what makes her quack.
Or maybe she's an honest person who isn't bribable and we have to do the work to get up to code.
Everyone has their price and I'll figure out what Irene's is.
Come on, man, there's still stuff around here that needs fixing.
You know, one of your ceiling tiles is a Doobie Brothers album.
Oh, so, you're gonna volunteer to fix whatever she has on that list? - Absolutely.
- What about the hairnet? The health code requires that all employees must wear a hairnet.
Okay, well, hey, if-if that's what it takes, cool.
You buy a box of hairnets, I'll wear the hairnet.
Okay, fine.
How's it look? Like you're wearing my maternity underwear on your head.
This is so weird, man.
I-I feel like it's sucking up all my swag.
I'm totes freaking out.
- What's happening to you? - I don't know, but I-I suddenly need a pumpkin spice latte and some yoga pants.
I'm becoming a basic white lady.
I love basic white ladies.
Sometimes when I go to a wedding, I'll grab a couple glasses of rosé, then ask the DJ to play Maroon 5 and look for the nearest gal screaming, "This is my jam".
I still go home alone.
(laughs) So, what else is new down in the Chicago PD? I heard that Mercer got in an accident and lost his hand.
Yeah, he's got a fake one now.
The captain says we're not supposed to say anything, but we've been asking him to open a lot more pickle jars than ever.
- (laughs) You bastards.
- (chuckles) You know, I would've gone with a ketchup bottle.
It needs more fine motor skills.
(laughs) See? It's this kind of thinking that got you bumped up to detective.
Speaking of, I was at a Bulls game with Rostenko and that Gold Coast assignment is looking good for you.
Really? That's great.
Thanks for putting a word in, Ted.
Hey, us vets got to stick together.
I really appreciate it.
Speaking of which, I need a favor.
There's this rookie, Vanessa King, who logged a complaint about me with HR.
What? We have HR? Right? I was just as shocked as you.
Anyway, look, I probably made some stupid joke.
Can you talk to her? Just tell her I'm an idiot.
Oh, don't worry about it.
She probably knows you're an idiot.
- (chuckles) - But, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
I'll talk to her.
Ah, thanks for having my back, R.
- You're the best.
- No problem.
I'm gonna go make Mercer salute me.
Sometimes his hand just flies right off.
(laughs) (sighs) So, what was that about? Oh, my old supervisor has a problem.
This female rookie reported him to HR.
I'm gonna go help him out.
Oh, reported him? Like a sexual harassment thing? Oh, I don't know.
I'm sure she just misread his lame sense of humor.
You know, that station is like a middle school locker room.
You'd be surprised how many times the conversation turns to nuts and balls.
Well, maybe you should find out what happened before you decide she misread something.
Sofia, it's complicated.
The police station is not like an office job.
Well, I temped a few days at Hewlett-Packard.
Those people are animals.
Well, sure it's complicated.
It's always complicated.
It might be worth hearing her out before you back him.
I'm not backing him.
I'm helping her.
I'm advising her so that she can survive that job.
Ugh, last night I watched a House Hunters International marathon and, oh, that show is like crack.
All right, basic white lady, stop busting my chops.
Take that damn hairnet off.
- Hello, Irene.
- I have your report.
I don't know how you've gotten away with not fixing these things in the past.
Well, if you can answer that, you'll also find out why Phil's in rehab.
Thank you.
Damn, Irene, you're thorough.
Eight pages? Oh, I must've left the rest in my bag.
It's okay, dude.
We'll handle it.
- Don't worry about it.
- (groans) No.
Everyone has their price.
We just got to find hers.
(clears throat) So, Irene, uh, that's an interesting scarf you've got there.
Do you like scarves or travel or counting money? I try not to have too many outside activities.
They interfere with my seasonal depression.
Although I do enjoy the theater.
One could say I am a comedy buff.
Really? She says we got to have three new drains? She's hilarious.
(chuckles) You're hilarious.
Seriously, he's so funny and charming.
Who? Arthur.
He's delightful.
Is he married? I did not see a ring.
What you mean? When you, like, chop down a tree and count how old it is? I happen to have a thing for experienced men.
She says we need new buckets.
You know what this is? A bucket list.
(laughs) Arthur.
You should be on stage.
Are you familiar with The Second City comedy troupe? They're a hoot.
I have an extra ticket for this weekend.
Um, and Arthur loves the theater.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
Arthur, can I see you in the kitchen, please? Arthur, I found her price you! - Really? - Yes.
She just asked you out.
- So go, romance her.
- Oh First of all, you a ho.
And secondly, if you even think about doing this, you a old ho.
Oh, relax.
I'm not gonna go on a date with that woman.
And I'm not a ho.
It'll save you thousands of dollars.
All right, I'm a ho.
Where the hell have you been? I thought you were - Well, I thought you were, uh - (clears throat) Dead.
He thought you were dead.
No, I was out late, so I slept through my alarm.
So, uh, how did your sleazy date with the inspector lady go? Actually, it was fun.
We went to that comedy show.
I don't like those kind of places.
Too much improv.
You have to write things down for it to be really funny.
What matters is not that you had a good time, but that she had a good time.
Oh, no, she had a great time.
We went to dinner, and then went to the show.
Clothes stayed on.
(chuckles) Or did they? (laughs) No, they stayed on.
(grunts) FAWZ: Good for you, Arthur.
I'm glad it went well.
Not me.
I was hoping you felt used and ashamed.
I enjoyed Irene's company, and she definitely enjoyed mine.
(chuckles) So I think we can say good-bye to this repair list.
Hey, y'all.
Hi, Randy.
Did you have your talk with that rookie? Oh, yeah, I did.
I think she really appreciated my advice.
She just needs to learn how to navigate the boys' club.
I was in a boys' club.
They used to make us swim naked because they didn't think we'd wash our trunks.
Well, uh, what happened to you was not okay.
But we'll-we'll talk about that later.
So she was not being sexually harassed? It was just dirty jokes and inappropriate comments.
Ted got drunk one night and asked her out on a date.
I told her it'd be better for her if she just dropped the whole thing.
Wouldn't it be better if you encouraged her to speak up? You know, if she's uncomfortable, then that's a problem.
If I complained every time some jackass crossed the line at work, I wouldn't have lasted a month.
You got to have thick skin.
Thick skin? Why should she have to change? Or you? Why don't men change? Hey, I don't want to, you know, butt in or anything, but it was like I was telling Arthur, just because you grew up in a bad system - doesn't mean you have to keep playing by their rules.
- Yeah.
Well, I just think I've had enough experience to know when not to make waves.
Please, Randy.
You ladies are always making waves.
It's gotten to the point where men can't say anything anymore.
You say horrible things all the time.
Think of the things I keep to myself.
I thought you were a feminist.
No, I don't think it's for me.
Don't talk to me about being a feminist.
I was one of the first women on that force, in the trenches.
And I've been fighting this fight since before you were even born.
As long as you keep playing by the rules of the boys' club, there's always going to be a boys' club.
Not mine.
Feds came in and shut it down.
Not sure why.
I'm sure you've had to put up with a lot, but don't you want to protect other women from going through the same thing? I am protecting her.
And I don't need a lecture on how to do it.
This is what I love about America.
The men do something wrong, and the women end up fighting each other.
Hello, Arthur.
What brings you here? Just checking to see how much progress you've made on your violations.
Progress? Violations? - I'm confused.
- Why? Well, I thought we had a good time last night.
Yes, it was pleasant.
But what does that have to do with addressing your violations? Well, I thought that our friendship persuaded you to, uh, well, you know, uh, look the other way.
So going out with me was a bribe? No, no.
No? I'm gonna have to report this to my supervisor.
What?! No, hey, hey, come on.
It's out of my hands now.
Bribing a city official is against the law.
That's rough.
Breakup and a felony all in the same moment.
Been there, brother.
I promise I will never leave you again.
You're ready to go back, huh? Looks like you're a little rusty.
You only hit it once.
No, that's eight shots through the same hole.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
I know guns get a bad rap, but they're really fun.
Hey, you get a chance to talk to Vanessa? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I think I got through to her.
She seemed to appreciate my perspective.
Ah, thank you so much.
You can't even tell a dirty joke these days without worrying some girl's gonna report you.
Well, it's not easy being a woman on the force.
Yeah, but you got to toughen up.
You know what you're signing up for.
It's a boys' club.
That's never gonna change.
You've always known how to roll with it.
Laugh about it, right? Didn't mean I thought it was funny.
What are you talking about? The only reason I'd laugh is because if I didn't, you guys would ice me out.
Come on, those were good times.
We'd go down to Murphy's, throw back some whiskey, toss some darts.
Of course, if we did it the other way around, O'Connor would still have both eyes.
And then, after a few rounds, you'd decide to teach me how to throw properly.
Which meant you'd put your arms around me.
- We were just having fun.
- No, Ted.
You were having fun.
I didn't love your stories of your gross one-night stands, your backrubs.
Didn't seem to have a problem with it then.
Oh, I did.
But I had a kid, and I couldn't afford to lose that job.
And then when I would say something to you, you guys would call me a bitch behind my back.
Yeah, I don't remember it like that, so That's convenient.
Considering you were doing it constantly.
Well, no more.
I'm going to HR.
I'm backing Vanessa.
- Now, you've got to be kidding me.
- Mm-mm.
No, I'm not.
Well, if I'm such a bad guy, guess you won't be needing my recommendation.
Okay, the repairs are done.
That's 2,000 bucks down the brand-new drain.
Thanks a lot, kid.
I told you, man, you don't play by the rules, it'll bite you in the ass, just like last night's episode of The Bachelor.
There's a reason why Brittany didn't get that rose.
Yeah, she put out.
And sluts get cut.
ARTHUR: Well, it's Detective Deluca.
How's that cush new assignment on the Gold Coast? Yeah, about that.
I, uh, took some advice from a friend of mine and decided to go to HR and back Vanessa.
- Really? - Yeah.
I used to think it was better to not rock the boat, but now I think it's time to blow that ship right out of the water.
Yes! That's awesome.
And look, I I really admire you and all that you fought for.
You had to deal with a lot of crap.
Including my new assignment.
Let me guess.
(blows raspberry) Uptown? Yep.
Turns out Ted really knows how to put the "dic" in "vindictive".
But, they scheduled a hearing for Ted and Vanessa for next week, so he knows where HR is now.
Arthur Priza Prizbazu Arthur? Yeah, it's me.
Yeah, I'm Craig Trevino, City of Chicago Health Department.
Okay, before you say anything, I fixed everything on that list.
Plus, she asked me out.
Hashbrown "me, too.
" You bribed a city official.
Even if you fix the violations, there's still the matter of the fine.
The fine? Well, that's what you get for trying to cheat the system.
- Bet you never do that again.
- (stammers) That's 1,000 bucks.
Look, I don't make the rules, okay? I'm just a guy trying to do his job, make it to the end of the day so I can go home, relax, and have a drink.
A nice drink.
I'm sure you understand.
I think I do.
Yeah, it's great to kick back with a Scotch? As long as it's old enough to vote.
Something like this? It was in the lost and found.
Oh, I've been looking for you.
Seriously? Y'all some hos.
Oh, come on, face it, kid, that's just the way it works.
You can't change the system.
The Chicago way, baby! Unbelievable.
I can't even.
I'm just gonna go home, and run a hot bath and play some Ed Sheeran.
Oh, my God! Get this thing off of me!