SuperMansion (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

Groaner's Wild

1 Sub-level breach.
Please identify yourself.
Titanium Rex.
Omega-level clearance confirmed.
Thank you, Titanium Rex.
Okay, I realize I just gave you clearance, but this looks like a robbery.
Just being honest.
Don't worry.
When the Blue Menace strikes, you'll never even know I was here.
Come on, I saw that.
I'm not an idiot.
Initiating lockdown in five four So I guess I'll just shoot my way out because no one is capable of having fun anymore! Strange.
I don't remember using my clearance to gain access to a secret government vault.
- I must be getting old.
- Oh, thank God you said something 'cause I was like, "Holy hell, Rex is looking old.
" What? No! I was just bantering.
Well, you're old, dude.
Like, uncomfortably old.
Yeah? Well, you got fat! I may be fat, but you're old and I can diet.
That was a real funny one when I read it on a T-shirt.
Through bifocals, grandpa? I have titan vision and hearing! Where am I? I I can't see! I'm old! You're still fast, Rex, but my suit has been upgraded by Dr.
Jizzmo himself! - It's Dr.
Gizmo, you idiot! - Well, that makes more sense.
- You were a fool to come alone! - Who says I did? The League of Freedom?! Black Saturn, scourge of the night! A-And day, too! "Washington is hallowed ground," so says American Ranger! We're all saying our names? That's what's going on? Cooch! You go, Robobot! Yeah, I'm not going to do that.
Conducting field scan.
Threat identified.
Blue Menace, cybernetically augmented cat burglar.
"Cat burglar?" Aw, hell no! No one's gonna burgle me! That's not what he means when Where is Brad?! Come on, man.
I'm gonna miss the introductions! - Anywhere? - Uh, left cheek.
My righty is startin' to look like the surface of the Moon.
- Ah, no, that's scar tissue.
Keep trying.
- When do I get paid? When you can inject the serum into my butt like an adult, Larry.
American Ranger? You disappeared after World War II! Wrong! I was placed in a time tunnel until America needed me again which was apparently two months ago when a Garbage Man stumbled upon my forgotten body.
- Rise above it, Ranger.
- I had a family, Rex! You know, it's really frustrating when you talk like I'm not even here.
Oh, God! What are you doing? - Sniffing you butt.
- Could you stop? Cooch is an artificially evolved feline.
Her animal senses have been heightened to superhuman levels.
I think you got butt cancer, dude.
Meow! Please stop talking about my butt! Where I come from, violence against women is frowned upon.
You don't come from anywhere.
You're an unfeeling robot man servant! You've given me a lot to think about.
I've got him.
Might want to check your bifocals.
Dammit! Robobot, tag in! He's getting away! What are you doing? Contemplating the nature of being.
Hey, Rex, I might have to sit this one out.
- Sun's killing me.
- Get in there! It's black leather! It doesn't breathe! Where is Brad?! You're telling me there's not one vein down there? That is exactly what I'm telling you.
Well, time for the final solution.
Take off my pants.
Well, now that's gonna cost you a ham sandwich.
- Done.
- Uh, two ham sandwiches.
Too late, man.
Deal's a deal.
Cooch, he's cooked.
Sniff him out.
Okay, I got this.
Aw, shit! He's up there! Move! And if you can get a few slams about his weight, do it! He said some very hurtful things.
Sorry, Rex, American Ranger doesn't take the cheap shot.
Mother of Christ! This water buffalo is tearing my arms out of their sockets! I'm wearing a 2,000 pound exosuit.
Tell it to the judge, lard-ass.
Fat [bleep].
Somebody call Frodo.
There's a new Lord of the Rings! Where are you stashing all the cats? You don't understand what a cat burglar does! Where's my dad? Hop you like the taste of titanium, fatty.
Who's old now? Ooh, time for my pills.
What am I? Just a collection of ones and zeros? Where in the Sam Hill is Brad? You're right.
I'm just a common thief with a weight problem.
Brad, we already won! Clock out, man! Clock out! Oh, dear And I'm Brad! - What the hell? - Did I make it in time? Oh, thank Christ he's not dead.
Roll Violet Beauregarde off to prison.
Uh let's make that a hospital.
How'd be do, Rex? Oh, great.
Really great.
Now we just sit back and let the accolades roll in.
Well, after the events in Washington, the League has been called before Congress A recent poll found this fourth person of the League to be the most reckless yet.
Is it time to dissolve the League? That's what the Senate is debating this afternoon.
Come on, come on.
You can do this! They say you're too old.
[bleep] them! You are Titanium Rex, goddamn it! You brought down Dr.
Gizmo's leprecats and then banged his wife on the Moon! This is your moment.
Take it! Checkmate, mother[bleep]! Jesus, his prostate must be the size of a grapefruit! Yeah, he's too old to get his bladder to follow orders.
No wonder he's lost control of his team.
Why is everyone acting like Death is breathing down my back? Oh, for the love of God! None of us knows how much time we have left, people! Let's move! I may be old, but I'm spry, boys.
Try to keep up! Oh, I can't make heads or tails of this thing! Carry on.
The League of Freedom! You want some Cooch? Don't get mad, get Brad.
The League of Freedom! Keeping America free er! Titanium Rex, that promotional video cost the American tax payers over $60 million! You know, this tested very well with the young people.
I don't want to alarm you, but some people are saying - that I need to retire.
- We are those people! I'm looking at a laundry list of shameless expenditures that suggest you've lost the ability to lead.
Well, who do you think was leading the team when we took out the Blue Menace two weeks ago? You incapacitated a cat burglar by pushing the Washington Monument on top of him! Just let him keep the gems, good God! They're insured.
You're so far in the red, you're like a pilgrim at an Indian brothel! No? Too far? We're sending a military grade accountant to your overpriced mansion.
If you've let your people waste one cent of the public's money, we are putting you out to pasture! Sirs, we deserve a forum to defend ourselves! This is it.
This is the forum.
Mother[bleep]s said they would be here.
'Scuse me, could you point me in the direction of the Senate? I'm running a little late.
Down the hall and to the left.
Thank you, my good boy.
And don't worry, I won't tell anyone I saw you using that drinking fountain.
Okay, you can't talk to the President like that.
President? Of the United States of America? Is this some kind of sick joke? Ugh.
6-9-6-9.
Why isn't it working?! Come on, man.
We're late! You can't lure a Senator into your pocket without a little green Son of a bitch! - It just ate my card! - It's cool.
I got some scratchers.
Apple! Apple! Goddamn banana! This one's [bleep] broken! Mom, did you forget to put money in my account this month? Well, now I look like a total knobjob in front of my friends! And still no sign of the League of Freedom, leaving Titanium Rex scrambling to explain - his lack of leadership.
- Where did I come from? Computer, bring up my schematics.
"Fabricated in Rochester, "New York based on plans designed by Martha Goldstein"? Oh, dear.
Please, if if you just give us a few more minutes.
I'm sure they'll be here.
It's too late, Rex.
If you think we're a tough crowd, wait till you meet Sgt.
Agony.
I apologize for my tardiness.
Seòorita, let's get this cleaned up pronto.
I'm a Supreme Court Justice! You understand what she's saying? I get stuck in a time tunnel for 60 years, and the newspaper becomes a sci-fi nightmare! "Welcome back, soldier.
Our President's a black man.
" The [bleep] is this guy's name? Bara Barams? I just did four hours in Washington tap dancing with my dick in my hand.
I told them you'd be there! They think I have dementia! Sorry I'm late.
I was in the shower.
You know, I'm a cat and this is how I take a shower.
Oh, are you a cat? Does anyone not know she's a [bleep] cat? Any no, everyone? I'll eat your mom, mother[bleep].
- What? - Nothing.
See ya! Oh, and my number two where the hell were you?! Keeping a dark vigil over the citizens of Storm City.
By the way, Cheerios and Honey Nut Cheerios are not the same goddamn product, Margery! - I miss Raul.
- Raul was stealing my medicine.
Sure he was, Rex.
Robobot, where were you? What the [bleep] is that? I could not join you today because I was with my spiritual advisor.
I am no longer Robobot.
You may call me Jewbot.
You are a synthetic being.
How are you Can he call himself Jewbot? We don't love it.
I was designed and built by Dr.
Martha Goldstein.
By the laws of the Torah, I am one of the chosen people.
I used to want to learn how to be human.
Now, I want to learn how to be a Jew.
They are the same thing! I want to be well-heard on that.
Alert! The Groaner is attacking Storm City! Good God, this is the big one.
Just so we're clear, the Groaner is an evil prop comic, right? The goddamn best.
Maybe he'll realize he's a prop comic and kill himself.
Jew humor.
That does not sound like something you can say.
It's not.
Sorry, Groaner, you mess with the Saturn's town, you get the rings! I just sat on my balls.
Give me a second here.
No yep, yep.
I just put all my weight on both of my balls.
You want us to take this one? No, no, no.
I got it.
I got it.
Sgt.
Agony, so good to see you.
Sorry, Rex, I'm allergic to bullshit.
I think you'll find the League of Freedom has nothing to hide.
Right, team? Well, [bleep] me twice, shame on me.
- Oh, God.
- Feast your eyes! I'm a cat, so there ain't nothing wrong with lookin'.
I know that you're a cat.
Damn! Do all black fellas got robot arms? - No, they don't.
- No shit, Sherlock.
Yeah, I'm no stupid.
Well, since you know everything, you wanna tell me how you spend $20,000 at a gas station?! Man, I didn't spend that money.
I invested it.
One of these could've been worth a lot more than 20 grand.
"Win up to $500.
" - Hey, you okay, buddy? - Sorry, stupid makes me sleepy! That's what I call a brush fire.
Did anyone hear that? Dammit, guys.
I only brought one brush.
I know it's me you want, Groaner.
Black Saturn, answer me this.
What has an ear but cannot hear a sound? - Corn! - Well well when it turns red hot, it becomes white.
- It's totally corn.
- All right give give it a sec.
Come on.
I got it.
It's corn.
Will you just wait a goddamn second?! Listen, I need to make a phone call.
Gary, it's me.
"Who"? The guy who ordered a $15,000 balloon shaped like a corn cob.
I'm not enjoying it at all because it looks an awful lot like a bottle of Corona.
Yeah, I absolutely want a refund.
You still need the last four digits of my card? You know what? I've gotta go.
I'm in a lot of trouble.
Well, you certainly didn't help.
Holy mackerel.
That was my wife.
Now, if she asks if she can bunk down here in the mansion with us, you say no.
Now why would you be trying to dodge this woman? That woman died in the 40's.
- I'm sorry.
- Not literally! I wish! Father Time's been working her face and body for the last 80 years but refuses to deliver the kill blow.
That's your wife?! I'm sorry.
Bitches that old make me queasy.
I'd do her.
R Ranger, I've gotta ask you.
Have you been spending, like, a crap-load of money? I recently got my clothes out of public storage after 70 years, but I mean, that only cost $320,000 of your future dollars.
$320,000?! Why didn't you just buy new clothes? Have you seen your future catalogs? I thought we had eradicated the pork pie hat in the 40's.
Yeah, that's one battle we lost as a culture.
So you want to ask me any questions or - Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy! - No more games, Groaner! What is the Injustice Club up to? The Injustice Club kicked me off the team - six months ago! - What? No way! Yeah, we were gonna take down the U.
N.
and then I talked them into a giant balloon shaped like a bowling pin, but of course, the balloon Gary sent out was Hey, you know, Gary's a pretty shit balloon guy.
You were my nemesis on that team! Well Well, I thought I was Brad's nemesis.
What are you talking about? We shared a dark obsession with seeing the other one killed! Killed? I I fight with balloons, man.
Any obsession is by nature dark.
I have to be honest if we're doing the top 10 here, I I think I even hate American Ranger more than you.
No! No way! It says here that I'm looking at some physical therapy sessions to the tune of a few thousand dollars? - What do I see here, Brad? - They were therapeutic massages! Okay, they were just massages.
Okay, they were erotic massages.
By a prostitute.
Actually, prostitute's probably too nice a word.
I'm not even sure it was a chick.
You know, I learned a lot about myself.
Stuff I wish I could unlearn.
Therapeutic massage it is.
Don't get grabby, Rex! Gettin' grabby gives me gas.
Oh, come on.
You just had to fart.
Be that as it may, even these shameless expenditures Yep, I shit my pants a little bit back there.
I thought I did, and I definitely did.
Yep.
Hey, whe when do I get to call my lawyer? When you can admit you hate me! All right, all right.
Playtime's over.
What are you doing? Took a little bathroom reading into the John your expense report.
150 pages of incidentals.
- That's impossible.
- Hand over your card! No problem.
I keep it right here in my fanny p.
I hope you're happy.
They're gonna put me in a home, man.
Wait, where's my VIP Visa? 28 separate charges for Gary's Balloon Emporium? What did you say? I lifted your card while you had me in a half Nelson after I kidnapped that one sports mascot I can't think of right now.
My plan started small at first.
A latte here, a bag of chips there, then I bumped it up a notch.
A subscription to scrot-throat.
com, a renewing order of Extenz None of this was for personal use, I assure you.
And now I've done what the Hall of Evil never could bring down the League of Freedom! I'll kill you! I thought you were gonna hold me back! What the hell? I'm sorry, Rex.
I don't keep track of my card! Look, just don't tell my mom.
Wh Where are you going? I'm gonna burn everyone's expense cards before they can spend another cent.
- What the hell is that? - Sounds like the Pet Shop Boys.
No, wait! Ace of Base.
Nope, that's definitely Right Said Fred.
- Deep cut.
I bought the LP.
- I'm sorry.
What the hell is going on in here?! I am having my bar mitzvah.
I am no longer Jewbot.
You may call me Jewman.
Under no circumstances should anyone do that! Finally a good 'ol American shindig.
I'm done.
Sounds like freaking communise.
How much did this bar mitzvah cost? DJ Janky Ray is only $50 an hour.
Ah, $50.
Thank God.
Yes.
It allowed me to use the savings for our featured performer, celebrated recording artist, Miss Celine Dion.
- What? Oh, God, no.
- Oh, hello to you all.
- You're too kind.
- Celine Dion?! Ma'am, I want you to know that this is in no way a critique of your music, which is magical, but this is an outrage! I can guarantee you that I will be recommending to Congress that they shut your entire operation down right after I borrow a plunger.
I destroyed your bathroom.
Y'all got a plunger? - Storage closet.
- Thank you, son.
At least one of you mother[bleep] ain't useless.
It's over.
They were right.
Nothing to do now but roll over and die.
I am a relic.
In my day, we believed in truth, honor, and justice.
Can't we just falsify out records and call it a day? Brad, I could suck your dick right now.
Do it, Jewbot.
That's an order.
I'm afraid that's against my religion, Rex.
- Unless - I'll allow it.
I'm gettin' a head cold, which means somebody is hatching a plan.
Well, it's too late.
The numbers don't add up.
You're all goin' down! Jew are wrong, sir.
I'll have to check your numbers.
- Be my guest.
- Let's Jew this.
Bring it on.
If anyone's going down, sir, it's Jew.
Okay, I'll stop.
Wow! Yeah! Yeah! Let's go! Hava nagila, hava nagila Oh, hello, capital gains.
Deduction approved.
Well, take a look at these line items.
But here's some more.
I'm going back more than seven years! Hava nagila ve-nismecha Hava neranenah, hava neranenah Hava neranena ve-nismecha Uru ahim Uru ahim Uru ahim be-lev sameah Nah, it's cool, fellas.
Wait a second! You can't claim those as dependents! Oh, damn! He just did! Noooo! These mother[bleep] balanced the books! You take this mountain of paper back to those Senators and tell them that this old dog still has plenty of tricks! Jew-S-A! Jew-S-A! That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
Odd choice of words.
All you did was delay the inevitable, Rex.
I want you to listen to somethin'.
That's the money faucet gettin' turned off.
Now, maybe I can't prove you misspent money, but I'll sure as hell gonna make sure there's less money to spend.
You can't just cut us off! Wake up, Rex! You're slippin'.
Retirement's knockin' at your door.
And when you're gone, how long you think your precious League is gonna last? - # Oi, oi # - # Hava nagila # It's all sinking in now, isn't it, Rex? No, go ahead.
You can fly off.
Tag, mother[bleep]! No, go.
Go ahead.
Go in the air.
I got your nose, bitch! Gotta get up off the ground.
It don't work unless there's dust swirling.
Wrecked your bathroom, too! Have you never seen a movie? What are we going to do? - Wait a minute! Aren't your parents rich? - And I'm out! Never lend money to friends, Rex! Please, I flew all the way from Saskatoon.
- I need my check.
- You didn't even sing a song! Hit the bricks, Frenchy! Our feud almost brought down the entire League.
- That's right.
- So you must be a little obsessed with me, right? - Eh.
- Put 'er there! If there's a buzzer in your hand, I will [bleep] kill you.
Well, call the morgue.
Come here, you old son of a bitch! Titanium Rex, how do you plan on financing this fiscal year now that your budget has been cut in half? We don't foresee any problems at this time.
Rest assured Mike's Harder Lemonade Manor isn't going anywhere.
It just makes sense.
Mike's Harder Lemonade is a bold and refreshing product that the entire League enjoys.
Right, team? They're not behind me, are they?