SuperMansion (2015) s03e06 Episode Script

The Long Chaun

[groans] Ridan! [lasers zapping] Hah! [grunting] [groans] My precious niece.
Always such a pleasure to see you.
Do you never tire of this nonsense? Waging war on the Gods' Realm only to fail time and time again? [shouts] The Gods' Realm is my birthright.
Denied me because I was born a male.
You certainly cry like a boy.
[grunting] [music] [Ridan yells] [crackling] Ridan, in the name of my mother, I banish you to to [groaning] What's happening? [groans] What did you do to Portia? Don't you realize how vulnerable you leave her when you take her place on Earth? - No! - And now, no one can stop me from tearing both your worlds in half! [title music] 3x06 - The Long Chaun Portia and Zenith are forever linked.
As Portia grew weaker here on Earth, it made Zenith vulnerable in the Gods' Realm.
Ridan has used Zenith to weaken the barrier separating our worlds.
He will conquer the Gods' Realm and then your world as well.
Even if the fate of our worlds didn't hang in the balance, Cooch chased a leprechaun in there! Then there's no time to lose.
Let's go face these gods and monsters and get your cat back! Oh, no, you don't! This is League business.
- Portia's one of ours, Devizo.
- Is she, Rex? She lost everything as a result of rejoining your League, and you never even called to see how she was doing.
Oh, no.
You're not getting into my head.
We'll handle the real threat.
You can stay in the city and clean up any wood sprites or Rumpelstiltskins that sneak through.
How selfless of you, Rex.
Your wish is our command.
Okay, fine.
Can we get a little momentum going here? [rumbling] [grunting] Behold, League of Freedom, the Gods' Realm.
[Pegasus whinnies] [child giggles] It's incredible! Zenith's Mother: The Gods' Realm is where the myths and legends of your world originated.
- Drink it in.
- Sorry, I don't drink in any creature not specifically mentioned in the New King James Bible.
I thought you said this place was in danger.
Everyone looks chill as hell.
Whoa! Holy shit! [fireballs whistling] [screaming] Ridan grows stronger! Quickly, this way! [screaming, grunting] [screaming] Man! Did you see that Pegasus explode? - No.
- Check it out! [neighs] [flesh squelches] Oh, come on! Jesus! League of Freedom, this is the Forgemaster.
He shall outfit you for the mission ahead.
Only the Sword of Jazamuth may end Ridan's dark reign.
- Who is your leader? - Right here.
And you don't need a sword when you can do this.
Aah! The powers you've relied on are rendered useless in the Gods' Realm.
You'll need the Sword of Jazamuth.
But be warned, its powers can only be unlocked by a leader true.
- Is that you, Rex? - Oh.
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yes, of course.
We shall see, won't we? - Oh, and you'll also need to wear this.
- [skeptically] Okay.
This shit with Portia is all my damn fault.
I can't believe I couldn't be there when she switched minds I mean, bodies with Zenith.
Or was it astral projection? - This shit is confusing! - Not really.
Zenith doesn't belong in this realm, so she needs a mortal to switch places with her so she can come to Earth.
She searched the world and Portia was the only mortal with the inner strength to survive Limbo, the dimension in the Gods' Realm where Portia's soul is stored while Zenith is here on Earth.
Her personality is strong enough to fend off the spectral entities that live there, but if Ridan was able to penetrate those defenses, who knows what could happen? Wow.
You're not the complete idiot I and everyone I know takes you for, are you? [rattling] Got-Gotta fix that cupboard.
R-Rattles every time a bus goes by.
[growling] My scanners are going haywire.
These objects appear to exist outside the laws of physics.
[hisses] Oh! Crap on a cracker! Am I finally a real boy? Oh, I'd say you're a man.
Look at that fire hose.
Can I get some of that dick potion? It's not dick potion! It's Pinocchio powder! And it's a hundred God dollars a gram! - Oh! - What? [all exclaiming] There is literally nowhere from head to toe I can comfortably rest my eyes.
You are ready for your quest.
[whimpering] [Cooch snarling] That kitty's got the devil in her! I am too hungover to run this fast.
We've got to get out.
[Cooch snarls] [panting] [screeches] [whimpers] [gasps] Oh, I found it.
The place these little bastards stash their gold.
[heavy footsteps] [hisses] A cat has infiltrated the motherland, - but now you must face - King Leprechaun! Oh my God! Robobot, I am begging you to slap on a fig leaf or something.
So, this is eating? Those provisions were supposed to last us our entire journey.
Your newfound humanity could end up starving us to death.
Everybody shut up! And don't touch anything! No ifs, ands or buts! [laughing] Robobot: Butts are hilarious.
It looks like the butt's calling the kettle butt.
It's not funny! I can't take you seriously when you're [squishes] Ugh! Oh, God! Oh no, I killed it! - I killed it! - Lex! Lex! Look! [excited chattering] I found him like this.
I-It ran at me out of nowhere.
The nutfluffer you trampled was a cruel dictator.
We shall spit upon his memory for eternity! [hawks, spits] - We don't have time for this, Lex! - Nutfluffer: Silence! None may address the nutfluffer lord and savior in common tone.
[hawks, spits] Aah! What the hell? - "Lord and Savior"? - By our sacred code, the one who liberates us becomes our new ruler.
All hail Supreme Nutfluffer Lex! [nutfluffers chanting] Lex! Lex! Lex! Lex! [groans] They're still in the nutfluffer arrondissement? Kind of taking their sweet [bleep] time.
[claps hands] Go show the League of Freedom how "Magnolia" ended.
Fly! [laughs] You underestimate them at your peril, Uncle.
Wishful thinking, my dear.
They unwittingly march on this castle to witness your demise.
Your gemstone won't be able to protect you then.
[zaps] [bleep] [whimpers] Oh, that one made my arm go numb.
[groans] I've never trusted you scheming 'chauns, and I'm not leaving till you tell me what you're up to! You think 'tis your choice to be here? Is fate that brought ya to our land.
- What? - Cats and leprechauns have been mortal enemies for generations.
We used to visit your world on our magical rainbows, gifting gold to mortals wily enough to find us.
But the rise of the domesticated cat nearly wiped out my people.
[screaming] We are natural enemies, you and I.
Now let's see them bare knuckles, and let's finish this once and for all! [chinks] Deliver! Sit down and shut up, Ray-Ann! You're going to rehab or I'm gonna beat your ass in front of all of these nice people.
I'll get help.
I love you, Portia! [audience cheering] You see that, baby? You helped that human junkie scarecrow keep her child.
Her baby never ate meth again.
You did that.
I remember.
[crackles] Courtney: It's working! Are you gonna fix the cupboard? I'm not renting, so I can do my own repairs.
[roaring] [screaming] What the [bleep] is that? When you offered to send a strike team along, I thought you'd, you know, walk with your own legs or, you know, whatever.
This is fine, too.
Oh, an unusual pressure in my midsection.
It's called three pounds of berries knocking on your exit door.
You have to take a shit, dude.
Oh, is that what you humans are always doing in the bathroom? Unless you're a woman, yeah.
- Saturn, women take - La, la, la, la! I'm not listening! [Robobot groans] The fate of two worlds hangs in the balance, but sorry, everyone! My robot needs to take a shit! [stammering] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Something's happening.
All right.
No one needs a play-by-play.
[groans] [plops] Oh, oh! Oh, wow! We have visual confirmation! Damn! Someone should slap this thing's ass to see if it cries! That was an absolute delight.
This corporeal body offers nothing but pleasure [crunches] Robobot: [bleep] [birds squawking] The pain, it's it's too much.
I should probably just kill myself, right? What's our Purell situation? [snarling and hissing] Take cover! - Let's play some co-op, Ranger! - Tonight, we dine on frog legs.
[screaming] Okay, Sword of whatever the hell it was, do your thing! - I I guess it's a timing thing.
- Whatever you need to tell yourself.
Get off of me! I can barely move.
It is our duty to protect you.
[grunts] [squelching] [nutfluffers screaming] Hey, it's working.
Good job, guys.
[laughs] That tickles.
Stop it, stop it! Get away from my flaccid sword with your dexterous tongue! Oh! [shouting] No! The great one! Don't leave us! [crying] Oh, no! [screeches] [grunts] Ooh! I Oh! [grunting] How many times must you break me nose before you consider it broken good and proper? [shouts] Uncle! Uncle! I win, you shamrock-sucking sons of bitches.
[leprechauns muttering] - Not one of ya thought to jump in? - Ye told us not to.
Round the third nose break, you might have reassessed the situation.
Y'all know the rules.
She's entitled to all the gold she can carry.
- Cool! - Or we will grant you one wish! - Leprechaun: My king, no! - She's earned it, has she not? - I want the wish.
- Whatever your heart wants most.
Hmm I want you to bring Brad back to life.
[groans] So glad we could team up.
We lost badly, but now we know never to work together again.
[seductive singing] Shh! Listen.
[singing continues] [giggling] That looks an awful lot like forbidden fruit.
Yeah! Ripe for the picking.
- Saturn, those are sirens! - Yeah, they are! As in murderous water hags who want to drown you in their sweet embrace.
[echoing] Join us, beautiful man.
Great.
Now they want me, too.
"Beautiful man"? That's me! As a man who owns mirrors, I find that very hard to believe! - No, he's right.
- We're not interested in you.
You're just not attractive.
Wow.
Didn't expect that to sting as much as it does.
Look, we have a friend we can call if you're interested.
Is she cute? [screaming] [gremlin growling] Hey! Take it easy! Each one of those represents three months of my life! [gremlin roaring] Agony, here! [screaming] [glass shatters] [bleep] [Robobot groans] Please don't struggle.
Guests of the great Ridan are expected to behave.
- [groans] Zenith, no! - Ridan: Her fate is sealed.
Soon, I will be more powerful than her cursed gemstone, and I will end her.
I can have the frog men whip you up some popcorn.
It will be quite a show.
Ooh! I've never had that.
[croaking excitedly] I wasn't being serious! And they're gone.
They are the least of your worries, Ridan.
[music] I brought the Sword of Jazamuth.
[laughing] You think I didn't know you had the sword? I counted on it.
- What is happening? - If not wielded by a leader true, the Sword of Jazamuth is vulnerable to my magic.
[chinks] And now the final key - to destroying your world is mine! - No.
[laughing maniacally] [whooshing] Courtney: Get it off, get it off, get it off! You wish for us to bring your friend back to life? Yeah.
His name's Brad.
I miss him.
As you wish.
[bright music] Ah.
I'm sorry.
It appears that it's beyond my power.
[sighs] [whimpers] Anything else, my child? Just name it.
I guess then I want a gold-plated, machine-gun-fitted, turbo-charged dragster with 40-inch rims and a dashboard chalupa bar.
Wasn't that specific? Ridan: Zenith, defender of the Gods' Realm, how long I've waited for this.
[grunts] [crackles] [screams] Zenith! [crackles, fizzles] [groaning] Ridan: You don't look well, Zenith.
Oh, I forgot that once you've melded with a mortal, a breaking of that bond can be quite fatal.
Dad, we've got to do something! Quiet, Lex! I'm thinking about Aah! Don't use that common tone with our queen! [chittering] Oh, my loyal little psychos.
The Gods' Realm is my birthright.
[groans, grunts] That was a big mistake.
How long is your friend gonna be? I have to admit, this song is getting on my nerves.
W-Wait a minute! What are we doing? Saturn, we need to get back to the team.
So soon? [laughing] And your friend is an octopus woman.
We're leaving.
Thank you! Not so fast.
You've got a date with Milftopus.
I don't consent to this.
Not verbally, but downstairs, you're giving me - a big green light.
- Being intrigued is not consent! Oh, ho! Biting, huh? Ooh, kinky! [sirens moaning] Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh, Ranger, they're killing us! Abort! [engine revs] What the hell? [gunfire] Aah! Oh! [engine revs] - Yeah! - Holy shit! Cooch! [splashing] [Ranger grunting] Where are you going? Let me go, and when we're done saving the world, I'll come back and do whatever you want.
- Promise? - My word is my bond.
[gremlin growls] [screams] Only one way to kill a gremlin! Give my regards to Orville Redenbacher! [music] [microwave whooshes] [roaring] My bad! [roars] [grunts] Not so fast! [grunting] [metal clanging] [groans] [grunting] [growls] Hey, Lex? Are these supposed to do this? [groaning] [yells] [grunting] [splats] Who threw a chalupa at me? [engine revving] [tires screech] I should've asked for a goddamn backseat.
Kill them.
[frogs croaking menacingly] Dad! What do we do? Rex: Cooch, get everyone out of here! Ridan's too strong! - I'll hold him off.
- Dad, he'll kill you.
Eh, it doesn't matter.
I got us into this mess.
- It's my job to clean it up.
- [whooshes, crackles] No! - Go! Save yourselves! - No! A selfless act from a leader, true of heart.
No! [rousing music] [whooshes] [screams] [pings] [buzzing] [snarling] [whimpering] [buzzing] Portia? Okay, okay! I'm completely blind! Are you happy? You have blinded a god! The Gods' Realm is safe.
Rex! It's Zenith! She's She's dead.
[music] Zenith was the conduit between our two worlds.
The strain of holding Ridan's destruction at bay was too much.
[Robobot crying] No! W-What? What? What is this? My eyes are peeing? Humanity's a horror show.
[whooshing] - I've gotta go.
- Go where? - Zenith needs me.
- What? [music] I can help her.
Just like you both helped me.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
[grunts] - Portia! - Nooo! Child, if you do this, there's no coming back.
- Are you sure? - Are you kidding? What do you think I've been doing all this time except waiting for my chance to be a hero? [crackling] [screaming] [triumphant laughter] [rousing music] Baby, you're beautiful.
[gremlin giggles, screams] Oh! Oh, that that can't be good.
Ridan, you know nothing but hate.
I will show you the power of love.
- You are forgive [blade slices] - Saturn: Holy shit! - Jesus! - This is best.
It's very hard to get a conviction in the Gods' Realm.
[laughs] Your castle's back already? Man, you guys don't [bleep] around.
Ranger, where were you? - Saying goodbye to a new friend.
- Is that ink? Must we analyze every little thing?! I'm sorry, my child.
I must take the gift of humanity back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the antidote.
You're all living in meat prisons, you know that, right? You healed the thousand-year rift between cats and 'chauns, Cooch.
I'm sorry I couldn't grant you your true wish.
That's okay.
I think I know why.
- It's because Brad isn't dead.
- Hmm Why, you might have something there, indeed.
[laughing] Goodbye, Supreme One.
We salute you.
[hawks, spits] Thank you so much.
Uh, I will miss your charming customs.
So, you're both in there? Zenith and Portia? Yes.
And it feels as weird as it sounds.
Are you coming with us? No, Rex.
This is our home now.
But in your worst hour, if you call for us, we will come.
[rousing music] May the Staff of Wandering show you heroes your path home.
[whooshing] The Gods' Realm thanks you, one and all.
[burbling] [shouts indistinctly] You've disrupted the spell! They can be sent anywhere! - What the hell? [distant siren wails] - I-I've been here before.
We're not home.
This is the future where the League of Freedom died!