Supernatural s04e12 Episode Script

Criss Angel is a Douche Bag

Tell me about the months without your brother.
The things you and this demon bitch do in the dark.
Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal, from human? - Why do you trust her so much? - She saved my life.
You don't have the juice to take me on, Sam.
- Your abilities are getting flabby.
- How do I tone up? You know what you gotta do.
- I'm not doing that anymore.
- Sam- I said no.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Charlier cut.
- Wow, you're really good.
Yeah, great.
- Hey, show us another.
- Finish your drink, Vance.
This is a simple riffle shuffle.
Do a card trick for me.
Ooh, here we go.
The Incredible Jay.
All right, young lady, would you please tell me when to stop? Stop.
This is your card.
Commit it to memory.
Hm? - That's incredible, Jay.
- Don't be a jerk.
All right.
Now, do you see your card? Um, no, I don't.
The cards say no.
- Check his pocket.
For God's sake.
Well, just check- Check the damn pocket.
- So if you then would remove- Ahem.
This your card? Why are you so mean? Can't you just leave the old guy alone? - Is he wearing eyeliner? Wait, wait.
Can't tell.
I'm blinded by all the sterling silver.
The light has to find me.
Get it? It has to find me.
- What a douche bag.
- What a douche bag.
Would you give it a rest? You're giving me a headache.
Come on, Jay, his misdirect is shaking his ass like an 8th Avenue hooker.
- Used to be about skill.
- Yeah, used to be.
Listen to the two of you.
It's pathetic.
Bitter old men talking about the glory days.
You know what? This douche bag isn't the joke.
- We are.
- Hey, who you calling a joke? Me, for one.
That used to be us.
Maybe he is a douche bag, but he's playing main stage and we can't even afford an assistant.
- What the hell are we doing? - We're doing all right.
No, we're not.
We're sad, we're old and we're dying.
- Jay- - I'm gonna do the Table of Death tonight.
No, you're not, Jay.
Don't be crazy.
You almost killed yourself last time.
That was 30 years ago.
Who cares if it kills me? At least I'll go out with a headline.
Ladies and gentlemen what you are about to see is not a trick or an illusion.
Simply a display of daring and dexterity.
Now, young lady, if you'll please check the bindings.
You'll see they're very real.
Very tight.
Thank you.
You may take your seat.
Damn straight they're tight.
You sure you can slip them? Show's in an hour, Vance.
Try to be on time.
Pfft! Amazing! This isn't a trick, okay? I don't do tricks.
This is a demonstration about demons and angels, love and lust.
- What a douche bag.
All that stuff mixed up in my head.
That's Jeb Dexter.
I don't even wanna know how you know that.
- He's famous, kind of.
- For what? - Douche-baggery? - No matter how messed up it gets don't touch me, okay? For your own safety.
Go back to hell, demon! Is this your card? You gotta be kidding me.
A fake demon possession? I can't believe people fall for that crap.
It's not all crap.
What part of that was not a steaming pile of BS? Okay, that was crap, but that's not all magicians.
It takes skill.
Oh, right, right.
I forgot.
You were actually into this stuff, weren't you? You had, like, a deck of cards and a wand- Dude, I was 13.
It was a phase.
It just bugs me.
Actually, it offends me.
You know, playing at demons and magic when the real thing will kill you bloody.
Like a guy who drops dead of 10 stab wounds without a tear in his shirt? That's what I'm talking about.
So did your boss have any enemies that you know of? - Vance had plenty of enemies.
How so? He would steal from other magicians.
All the time.
What would he steal? Stage effects, close-up techniques.
- Anything he could get his hands on.
- Is that enough to get him killed? These guys take this stuff pretty seriously.
There you are.
Did you find anything weird in Vance's stuff? Well, weirder? Matter of fact, I did.
I'm guessing this didn't belong to Vance.
He hated card tricks.
Never wanted them around let alone in his precious cape.
You gonna tell me how you did it? Did what? You know what.
The great ones never give away the how.
Yesterday you were sad, old and dying.
Today you're one of the great ones? Come on, this is me you're talking to.
You didn't think I could do it.
No, Jay, I didn't.
You're my friend.
My best friend.
I just didn't wanna see you get hurt, that's all.
Charlie, you wanna see something? Look at this.
- Not bad.
- Not bad? I've been working to pull an ace out of the middle of the deck for years.
Just one.
And now I can pull three.
You're still missing the ace of hearts.
I wanna do the Executioner tonight.
- Are you trying to get yourself killed? - It's just a rope slip.
- Houdini wouldn't try the Executioner.
- Exactly.
Think about it, Charlie.
If I can pull this off I think you're pushing your luck.
It wasn't luck.
It wasn't.
Here, stand over there.
Let's not end up like this.
A couple of old farts doing birthdays and bar mitzvahs.
It beats dying.
Does it? I would do anything for you.
You know that.
But I will not watch you die.
- I'll miss that show.
- No, you'll be there.
You're always there for me.
Check your pocket.
That's good, Jay.
That's pretty damn good.
I can do it, Charlie.
I wanna do it.
It's a lame gig.
I'm in a fleabag hotel doing this man-of-the-people crap and freaking Angel's in Vegas doing Cirque du Soleil.
That should have been mine.
All right, boys.
Get it in gear.
I don't got all day.
- You Vernon Haskell? - Who's asking? Federal Agent Ulrich.
Looking into the death of Patrick Vance.
I'm Jeb Dexter.
This is Devil Twist.
We're chilling at the International Magician's Convention which is a dope chance to tip my hat to the wicked cats who came before me.
Smoking-hot effect last night, Jim.
- Huh? - My name, it's Jay.
Yeah, whatever.
We can loop it later.
What a douche bag.
Couldn't agree more.
Is this familiar to you? I said we can loop it later.
Should it be? Well, I heard that you use tarot cards in your act.
My act? That was a long time ago.
I haven't touched a deck in years.
You know.
Do you know someone that might use them now? Well, there was a guy down on Bleeker Street.
Oh, yeah.
He peddles that kind of specialty stuff.
Did he have a problem with Vance? Matter of fact, Vance crossed him about a year ago.
Probably cost 50 grand in royalties.
- You know the exact address? -426 Bleeker.
- Ask for Chief.
- Chief? Mm-hm.
Thank you.
I'm here to see Chief.
Stay here.
Don't touch anything.
You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy.
There's been a misunderstanding.
I think I've been had.
Oh, you ain't been had till you've been had by the Chief.
Oh, and before we get started what's your safe word? - What are you doing here, Ruby? - I should be asking you the same thing.
I'm working a job.
The world's about to be engulfed in hellfire and you're in Magic Town, U.
? You got something against magic? That would almost be funny if 34 seals hadn't been broken already.
Thirty-four, Sam.
That's over halfway.
The angels are losing this war.
Every day is one day closer and if someone doesn't do something soon- - And that someone is me? - Who else? I don't know where these seals are.
I don't know squat.
So why don't you tell me where to start? You can quit dicking around here for one thing.
Bigger fish, Sam.
And if the seals are being broken you might wanna go after the one doing the breaking.
- Lilith? - Cut the head off the snake.
You're the only one who can stop her, Sam.
So step up and kill the little bitch.
Oh, I'm game, believe me.
It's not the psychic thing I got a problem with.
Yeah, I know what you got a problem with, but tough.
It's the only way.
You know, this would all be so much easier if you'd just admit to yourself that you like it.
That feeling that it gives you.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, I don't, huh? Fine.
It's simple.
Lucifer rises, the apocalypse starts.
You think that you have demons on your hands now? People are gonna die, Sam.
Oceans of people.
So you just let me know when you're ready.
- Find anything interesting? - What? Uh No.
You? Nothing I wanna talk about or think about ever again.
- He's crazy and you know it.
- He says he can do it.
- Did you even try to talk him out of it? - Till I was blue in the face.
But I tell you, Vernon, there was - There was something in his eyes.
- In his eyes? You're both nuts.
- The Chief, huh? - What's the matter? Chief not your type? I could have you both arrested for obstruction.
- How? You're no fed.
- Yeah, we con people for a living, son.
It takes more than a fake badge to get past us.
You got us.
Yeah, we are actually aspiring magicians.
We came to the convention because we thought we could learn something.
- Get some ideas for our new show.
- Ooh, what kind of show? - It's a- - It's a brother act.
Yeah, you know, with the rings and doves and rings.
Ladies and gentlemen I give you The Incredible Jay.
You wanna learn something? Stick around.
Ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to witness is a feat so daring so dangerous, even the great Houdini dared not attempt it.
I give to you the Executioner.
Now, sir, as you can see, this jacket is the real article.
Thank you, sir.
You may take your seat.
Now, I will have one minute- Sixty seconds.
- to escape certain death.
Let's see if I can do it.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
Ha! That was amazing.
That was freaking amazing.
- That was Thank you.
- not humanly possible.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Looks like this guy Jay was a pretty big deal in the '70s.
Which in magician land means what, exactly? Big enough to play Radio City Music Hall.
What got him stuck in where-are-they-now file? He got old.
Okay, so maybe Incredible Jay is using real magic to stage a comeback? It's possible.
Some kind of spell that works a death transference.
- How does the tarot card mix into it? - I don't know.
I hope I die before I get old.
Whole thing seems brutal, don't it? - You think we will? - What? Die before we get old.
- Haven't we both already? - You know what I mean, Dean.
I mean do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60? No, I think we'll be dead.
For good.
What? You wanna end up like Travis, huh? - Or Gordon, maybe? - There's Bobby.
Oh, yeah.
There's a poster child for growing old gracefully.
Maybe we'll be different, Dean.
What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad.
That's just the life.
- What if we could win? - Win? If there was a way we could just put an end to all of it.
- Is there something going on? - No.
- Sammy- - No.
Look, I'm just saying I- I just wish there was a way we could go after the source, that's all.
Cut the head off the snake.
The problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads.
Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen.
Guess you're right.
Why don't you go see if you can track down Jay? I'll see what I can dig up on this tarot card.
Some maid found Jeb hanging from a ceiling fan.
Police think it was a suicide.
I beg to differ.
Pulled a little sleight of hand myself.
On Dexter's body? I'm thinking if the spell is a death transference then these cards work like black-magic targets.
- Any connection between the victims? - Jeb was a douche bag to Jay.
What about the first vict-? Vance? Asked around.
Vance was heckling Jay at the bar the day he was killed.
Okay, so Jay sneaks a card into Vance's pocket, does the Table of Death- And Vance takes 10 swords to the chest.
Then Jay slips a noose and Jeb doesn't.
- Hell of a trick.
- It's time we had a chat with Jay.
Any luck tailing him? He slipped me.
- He's a 60-year-old.
- He's a magician.
- Up against the wall! Now! - What do you want? We know what you've been up to.
Working some bad mojo to jump-start your act.
What? I don't know what you're talking about.
You put a spell on those tarot cards.
- Messing with real magic? - Real magic? - There's no such thing as real magic.
- Is that so? Yeah, believe me.
I've been around this stuff my whole life.
It's illusions.
It's tricks.
It's- It's all fake.
Jeb Dexter strung up.
Was that just an illusion? - What? Something happened to Jeb? - He was found hanged in his room.
Right after you slipped the noose last night.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Just let me go.
Something's not right.
Usually they're whipping some badass hoodoo at us by now.
What do you wanna do? - All right.
So if it's not him, who is it? - Even if Jay's not working the magic he's still getting the reward.
His shows are selling out.
All right.
So then whoever it is, they're obviously in Jay's corner.
All right, so we got Vernon and Charlie on the list.
Anyone else? Uh We could always ask him.
- I guess we should've seen that coming.
- Come on.
He couldn't have gotten far.
- No way he could outrun us.
- Maybe he vanished.
He really is good.
Or he found a back door.
That's them.
Those are the two nutjobs that just broke into my room.
Hands where I can see them.
They said my act is killing people.
They said that I was using real magic, that I was casting spells on tarot cards.
Real magic? Those guys are nuts.
You're lucky to be alive.
You don't think? - What? - The things I can do now.
The cards- You've been working the cards your whole life.
Well, what about the escapes? I haven't been able to slip a pair of cuffs in 30 years.
Then there was the way that Patrick Vance died.
- And that Jeb Dexter.
- No great loss there.
- He didn't deserve to die.
- You had nothing to do with it.
He was hanged the same night that I performed the Executioner.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that you actually believe those guys? That there was some kind of real magic involved? No.
I don't know.
I don't- Maybe.
I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie.
Are you kidding me? You have a sold-out house out there.
Sold out.
When was the last time that happened? The other night when I was doing the Table of Death, I was I was gonna kill myself.
And I have no idea how I got out alive.
But you did.
Somehow, you did.
Jay when you were in your day you were incredible.
The Incredible Jay, you were the best I ever saw.
And now you got it back.
I don't know how, but it doesn't matter.
Just to see you at the top of your game again hell, it makes me feel young.
- But- - No buts, Jay.
This may be manna from heaven.
I don't know.
But whatever it is, you don't throw it away.
- How is he gonna get out? - I don't know.
Oh, my God! Somebody call 911! What? I don't know.
- Thanks for dropping the charges.
- You mind telling us why you did it? We have to talk.
I was just a kid when we first met.
All I knew was how to cheat at cards.
Charlie got me out of more scrapes than I can count.
I would have been dead by the age of 20 if it hadn't been for him.
He was more than my friend.
He was my brother.
I'm sorry, Jay.
I should have listened to you when you told me that my show was killing people.
Well, you weren't the one pulling the trigger.
But someone did.
I wanna find out who did this.
So I'll do whatever you guys say.
Just tell me what to do.
Jay, whoever's doing this they like you.
They're probably close to you.
Did Charlie and Vernon get along? No.
No, it's not Vernon.
He's the only one that makes sense.
- Charlie and Vernon were your family.
- And now Charlie's gone.
Yeah, but They butted heads sometimes but Vernon could never do something like this.
See, the thing about real magic is it's a whole lot like crack.
People do surprising things once they get a taste of it.
You better be damn sure about this.
Vernon is all I got left.
Yeah? Okay.
Yeah, okay.
I'll be there in two shakes.
I got something to tell you anyway.
It's like a magic museum.
You must be in heaven.
This guy didn't travel light.
He's been on the road his whole life.
Everything he owns is in this room.
Let's get started.
Just talked to the head of the convention.
Headliner gig is yours.
What? You don't want it? A day ago, if you told me I'd be standing on this stage - No, I can't do it, Vernon.
- What are you talking about? Charlie's gone.
Charlie would have wanted you to go on.
This is your shot.
It's our shot.
Really? This is what Charlie would have wanted? Charlie's dead.
Hey, he was my friend too, you know.
- A hell of a way to treat a friend.
- Again, what are you talking about? You killed him, didn't you? And for what? So that I-? So that we could be back on top? That's insane.
- No, you're scaring me.
- First it was Vance.
Then it was Jeb Dexter.
Even if you thought you were doing it for me how in God's name could you kill Charlie? Oh, you are crazy.
You used me.
And you used my act to do this to him.
- If you think- I wouldn't be so hard on him, Jay.
He didn't do it.
It's just a bunch of old-timey magic stuff.
None of it magic.
No herbs, no candles and no tarot cards.
- I'll be damned.
- What? Look like anyone we know? Sweet Mary and Joseph.
Charlie? It's really me, Jay.
How the hell-? God, you forget what it feels like to be young.
- It's amazing.
- How old are you? It depends on what you mean by old.
Right now, technically, about 28.
But I've been around a lot longer than that.
How long? Long enough to have shilled for Barnum.
And he gave me something.
- What's that? - The grimoire.
A book of real magic.
I thought it was a scam, but I tried one of the spells.
It worked.
In fact, they all worked.
So when I got to the end and there was one for immortality My God, Charlie.
- And my show, the things I can do- - Different spell.
But it gives you a little taste of what's possible.
I wouldn't touch those, Vernon.
They're still radioactive.
You killed Vance and Jeb Dexter.
What, you think this is a parlor game? You were being humiliated by those punks.
A washed-up old man who couldn't defend himself.
You used me to do these terrible things.
I used them to give you a gift.
And you wanted it, Jay.
I saw it in your eyes.
- No, I never wanted this.
- You were ready to kill yourself.
- I saved your life.
- Is that right, Jay? I was there for you, like I've always been.
Like I'll always be.
Come with me, both of you.
You think the first time was good? Second time's even better.
All the know-how, none of the aches and pain.
I won't do this.
I won't.
I've never made this offer before.
Then again, I've never had friends like the two of you before.
Let me do this for you.
And who else has to die so that we can live forever? What's the price tag on immortality? This isn't right, what you're doing.
You know that.
Somewhere you know that.
I know I don't wanna come back alone to start all over alone.
Jay we can be young again.
The three of us, together, vital and alive.
Not so fast.
I ain't Guttenberg and this ain't Cocoon.
That's neat trick.
It's not a trick.
It's magic.
Hey, bullet catch.
Been working on that.
Get him.
Let him go! Now! - Just leave me and my friends alone.
I said now! All right, I will give it up.
The spells, hexes.
This is the last time.
I promise.
You picked these strangers over me? - You okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm all right.
Hey, Jay.
We wanted to thank you for what you did yesterday.
I killed my best friend yesterday, and you wanna thank me? - Where's Vernon? - Oh, he's gone.
He said he didn't wanna speak to me again after what I did to Charlie.
Listen, Jay.
You know Charlie was never gonna give up what he was doing.
- You did the right thing.
- You sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother.
And now he's dead.
Because I did the right thing.
He offered me a gift, and I just threw it back in his face.
So now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone.
What's so right about that? Jay your cards.
Throw them away.
Well, I don't know about you, but I could go for a beer.
I'm gonna take a walk.
I'm in.
What changed your mind? I don't wanna be doing this when I'm an old man.